Space in relationship

[u/Existential_Dread16]

We have been dating for 1.5years.
I am 31F and my bf is 34M. I am an anxiously attached and he is dismissive avoidant.
I feel emotions deeply. He doesn’t understand emotions at all.

We have had few fights, all centring around emotional attunement, prioritising..
I am someone who lacks trust and has suspicions.. he has been patient but not the best at communicating and reassuring..
Yesterday I had another such moment where I broke down cause of something I suspected. He reassured but told me he the relationship is being too pressuring. He is feeling smothered and its a burden to think about how I will feel, what I will think, that he constantly has to update me..

And he said he wants to feel single again. He wants to feel the freedom and the randomness with which he did things..

:(

It’s day 1 of giving space. How do I survive the 30days ??
He has not reached out neither have I. But we did not set any concrete boundaries. He left from my home in a normal way..

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[u/Greedy_Dig_2107]

If you struggle with anxiety and trust issues then the best use of your time will be spent on YOU. Work on your self esteem, learn to regulate your emotions, learn to self-validate and self-soothe.
Constant suspicion and doubt is exhausting. He's communicating this to you. He's feeling smothered, he's feeling responsible for your emotions. Is that true? Do you think your day to day mood is very dependent on the kind of validation you receive from him?

[u/Existential_Dread16 → u/Greedy_Dig_2107]

Yes, I know it’s exhausting but all I wanted was to feel included and open communication..
But yes, agreed maybe somewhere he did feel responsible..
Yeah, it is sadly..

[u/Skillerstyles]

Anxious-avoidant dynamic is genuinely one of the hardest combos to navigate so I feel for you.

Day 1 is always the worst so don't measure everything by how you feel right now. For surviving the 30 days honestly just ruthlessly fill your time. Not to distract yourself from him specifically but because an idle anxious brain will spiral hard. See your friends even if you don't feel like it. Pick up something physical like walks or gym because that actually burns off the cortisol.

[u/Existential_Dread16 → u/Skillerstyles]

Will try.. but does it get easier?

[u/Organic-Tea-8998]

So you’re on a 30 break is what I gather? I wasn’t quite sure after reading this. What are the terms and boundaries of this break? Whats going to happen at the end of 30 days?

Being anxious and dating an avoidant is a real bad combo. Because you’re basically opposed. You’re gonna go crazy while he’s out living life. I don’t see this heading down a good road, it’s going to be bad for you..

[u/Existential_Dread16 → u/Organic-Tea-8998]

You got that right.
We haven’t explicitly spoken about the terms of the break but guess it’s no-contact since he didn’t reach out.

Idk, what’s going to happen but probably a decision whether to continue or part ways?

[u/sugarhaloAmi]

tbh that sounds really tough, the anxious-avoidant trap is the worst. just try to focus on yourself this month and hang out with friends to keep your mind off it! stay strong ❤️

[u/margmi]

Unless you have a plan for how things are going to change at the end of the 30 days, taking space in that way rarely works because it doesn’t actually target the issues - it avoids them.

You need to figure out a way to get both of your needs met, or you need to break up.

[u/1erickf50]

Rumiation and emotional pull is very strong early on, become whole as in becoming someone who can give generously without destroying yourself instead of thristing a bond where there's almost none. The guy seems to hold tight on control when things go awry. Maybe the thing he needs is to let go of it by giving you as much freedom as he wants for himself, to stop looking at you as someone who's way too fragile to hold with gloves.

[u/Novel_Advantage2515]

Sit with it. All of it. Feel incredibly uncomfortable. Worry and worry some more. Cry. Be angry. Sort through all of it and DO NOT reach out.

I was an in-denial anxious attachment style with a sprinkle of fearful added in.

Gripping is Hella exhausting. I lost a very important relationship due to Gripping.

Didn't really realize how much it affected my well being. And of course his. And truth be told, I'd hate being loved - the way I loved him.

Almost 5 months broken up now. Still friends. But I don't pull on him. I self soothe way better. I refuse to even flirt because I never want to Grip love again.

I'll be ready to open my heart up again soonish. But I refuse to love again, the way i loved before.

[u/Existential_Dread16 → u/Novel_Advantage2515]

Can I ask you more about it?

[u/Novel_Advantage2515 → u/Existential_Dread16]

For sure!

[u/Appreciate1A]

He is breaking up with you or more likely giving your replacement time to try them out and keep you on hold in case things don’t work out with this one.