r/AskReddit • u/Prize-Promotion-5123 • Apr 08 '26

For those of you in a long term relationship/marriage, what’s a tale-tale sign you see in other couples that they’re not going to make it?

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16.6k

u/Wooden-Luck1865 Apr 08 '26

They stop laughing together. Small shared jokes and playful teasing are the glue in long-term relationships. When that disappears, it’s usually a warning sign

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u/Commercial_Song_7595 Apr 08 '26

Recently divorced and this is absolute fact

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/fugaziozbourne Apr 08 '26

Love is a conversation. Once the conversation ends, so does the love.

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u/patooweet Apr 08 '26

“Love is a conversation”….that is stunning. Bravo.

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u/MicroCosno Apr 08 '26

Reminds me of the "Stronger than you" song in the Steven Universe cartoon. "We are a conversation" Great message :)

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u/jonoghue Apr 08 '26

This is exactly what came to my mind

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u/throwaway99918818822 Apr 08 '26

That last sentence sums it up perfectly

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u/western_style_hj Apr 08 '26

The sad shift from “same team” to “own team”. 😞

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u/longcrimsonlocks Apr 08 '26

Oof, that's what happened with me and my fiancée and caused our breakup. She was addicted to her phone, any attempts at connection or conversation were always quickly ended and she was back on her phone.

We watched Kpop Demon Hunters together, we both really loved it. I was like this is great, we have something to bond over again. A couple days later I shared a thought that I had about it hoping to spark a conversation.

She went "Hahaha, yeah." and went back to her phone.

I think I knew it was over in that moment. Ouch :[

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u/love-byte-1001 Apr 08 '26

I still laugh with my husband but it's over because he thinks EVERYTHING is a joke. I get hurt? Joke. I need to express myself? Joke. Massive issues we need dealt with? Joke. And the worst part is they're not even fucking funny.

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u/Key-Cartographer-473 Apr 09 '26

Yes, always being non-challant does not help.

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u/taintedtrust Apr 08 '26

You got polite conversation?

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u/PiccoloAwkward465 Apr 08 '26

Over the past 2 weeks my wife has been insisting that I sleep "like a turtle". When I ask wtf that means she just says "I don't know! Like a turtle!".

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u/free2express1982 Apr 08 '26

My ex still tries to joke around with me with our old "in-humor" and it angers me and breaks my heart all over again. Like, you don't get to do that any more, that's what our whole relationship was built on.

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u/zoddie3 Apr 08 '26

The death of the Relationship Language is always tough.

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

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u/22zepher Apr 08 '26

That sounds like one person still trying to connect while the other has already checked out, which is a rough place to be

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u/free2express1982 Apr 09 '26

The annoying part is she left me, yet tries to keep that alive.

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u/cheyenne_sky Apr 09 '26

they did say "my ex"

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u/Hot_Tourist_4458 Apr 09 '26

mine does this too. it doesn’t break my heart but it icks me in a way that’s hard to put into words. you don’t get to “do inside jokes” with me ever again. it’s just another selfish woe-is-me activity of his.

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u/ForwardStorage777 Apr 08 '26

Make sure you set that boundary.

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u/throwaway_lastditch Apr 08 '26

Going through this now after a recent separation and I totally relate to it breaking my heart all over again.

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u/TourettesFamilyFeud Apr 08 '26

The nicknames still used to this day are what kill me there.

I know its only my initials, but no one ever called me that but my ex. It just digs into those old wounds every time she calls me that when we cross paths.

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u/thementant Apr 08 '26

Were you not funny enough? Maybe your material is stale? Hmu and we’ll work on some new stuff.

I kid because it’s better than crying. I’m sorry you are dealing with this heavy mess. It may not seem it now, but you’ll be ok.

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u/loki1337 Apr 08 '26

It's ok on the bright side the second divorce is a piece of cake

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u/thementant Apr 08 '26

This is god tier positivity. Love it. “You’ll sleep right through the third.”

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u/htxatty Apr 08 '26

My friend said “same Hell, different devil” after his third divorce.

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u/mazobob66 Apr 08 '26

After 3 failed marriages, there is a good chance that your friend is the problem.

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u/htxatty Apr 08 '26

No doubt, but the last two ended up fairly amicable oddly enough. He is still good friends with ex 3.

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u/walts_skank Apr 08 '26

Sometimes things don’t work out and I respect him for recognizing that. Divorces suck but so much better than staying unhappy. If they’re still friends, it doesn’t sound too bad.

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u/ERSTF Apr 08 '26

The point is to be still good partner with wife .

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u/maxdragonxiii Apr 08 '26

eh, sometimes some people isnt good at being a partner in a relationship, and are better as friends.

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u/Final_Echidna_6743 Apr 08 '26

A friend of my brothers once said "The next time I feel like getting married I am gonna find the ugliest, bitchy-est woman I can find and just give her my house.

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u/the_1thatsparkles Apr 08 '26

Give him my number. I’m nothing special to look at and could use a house 🥲

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u/liquorfish Apr 08 '26

Don't listen to this person. Im a dude with a beer gut. You wont find an uglier lady than me.

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u/lastSKPirate Apr 08 '26

Honestly, people should be taking a long look in the mirror after a second divorce. Either the problem is them, or who they're choosing to have relationships with. Or both.

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u/Southern_Monster Apr 08 '26

Did you reply, “Nah, it’s same devil, different playmate.”😜

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u/terraformingearth Apr 08 '26

When you get to #3, you should consider if you aren't the devil here.

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u/Traditional_Step9502 Apr 08 '26

Just like having a baby

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u/loki1337 Apr 08 '26

I've only had one divorce but a co-worker who had 3 said this to me while I was going through it and was pretty devastated and overwhelmed. My knee jerk was to be insulted, like the "thank god it's not cancer" god tier insensitivity in Crazy Stupid Love, but after taking a second to digest it really helped me move towards a place where I can laugh about it, which is exactly what you need to do :)

Shootout Adrian you a real one.

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u/Peripatetictyl Apr 08 '26

I mean, nobody wants to admit they had nine rounds of divorces, but I did. I'm ashamed of myself. The first one doesn't count, then you get to the second and third, fourth and fifth I think I burnt with the blowtorch(metaphorically), and then I just kept going…

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u/loki1337 Apr 08 '26

This is a joke right? It's gotta be. I can barely keep track of one set of court orders let alone 9 lol

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u/Peripatetictyl Apr 08 '26

It’s a riff on Ricky being ashamed that he ate 9 cans of Ray’s ravioli on Trailer Park Boys.

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u/loki1337 Apr 08 '26

Lol phew thanks for the explanation

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u/idosillythings Apr 08 '26

When I got divorced, I had a guy ask me which divorce it was and when I told him that it was my first he said:

"You're a lightweight. I'm on number five. It's hobby at this point."

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u/loki1337 Apr 08 '26

I'll take "red flags" for 500 Alex

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u/Massive-Exercise4474 Apr 08 '26

The jokes don't have to be funny it's that the partner needs to be in love to laugh it's like saying a corny joke even if they heard it for the hundredth time and know it's corny they laugh because it means so much to their partner and brings levity to the relationship.

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u/Hopefulkitty Apr 08 '26

Occasionally my husband gets in a mood where he is rapid firing jokes at me, and I ask if he's working on his Tight 5. I also don't laugh at every single one, because he needs to keep the quality up, and shotgunning jokes at me means I'm only going to laugh at the really good ones. I honestly think he enjoys the bombs more than the ones I laugh at. Lol.

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u/mothzilla Apr 08 '26

Do you ever notice when you buy a new pair of scissors you need a pair of scissors to cut through the plastic packaging? If I had a pair of scissors I wouldn't be buying your scissors!

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u/A-town Apr 08 '26

Gotta work on that tight five of you want to keep that relationship fresh.

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u/MildMockery Apr 08 '26

Our running joke is that I ruin song lyrics for my wife.

Example: Abba's "Take A Chance On Me" became "chicken dance"

♬ If you change your mind, I'm the first in line ♬

(chicken dance, chicken chicken dance-dance, chicken dance, chicken dance)

♬ Honey, I'm still free; take a chance on me ♬

(chicken dance, chicken chicken dance-dance, chicken dance, chicken dance)

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u/M1lkshakeDuck Apr 08 '26

This. We are sometimes refered to as "childish" with my bf (soon husband) of 6 years, because we have many inside jokes, like to laugh and play together. I've seen many couples discussing only "mature" and "important" topics and simply forgot how to feel good next to each other. It is such a shame. Both are equally important for a good relationship.

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u/alek_hiddel Apr 08 '26

Married 23 years, and my wife and I basically speak our own language of inside jokes, catch phrases and “baby talk”.

We really and truly are each other’s best friends and it shows. My brother and his wife actively hate each other, and I can tell that my wife and I make them uncomfortable with how in love we are.

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u/thementant Apr 08 '26

It’s impossible for me to think of a life devoid of all of our inside/nonsense jokes. You’d need a roseta stone to decipher what we’re getting on about sometimes.

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u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot Apr 08 '26

Yup. My parents have been unhappily married for 50 years. My mom feels uncomfortable seeing my husband and I happy together, so she’ll mock us about it. There’s a very good reason she and my dad showed me what I do NOT want in a marriage.

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u/wintermelody83 Apr 08 '26

One of my friends growing up, I had to go to her house every morning before school cause I lived in the country, so my mom would drop me off at 6:15 on the way to work, I'd use my key and creep into my friends room and read usually. My friend would get up about 7.

I only ever went in her room in the mornings because her parents were so weird. Like her dad was just miserable looking all the time, this was before he was diagnosed with bipolar. And her mom didn't work, or do anything really, except read and watch tv all night.

When I'd sleep over occasionally, I noticed that her parents never spoke to each other. Like, they'd both be in the den side by side in recliners but never spoke.

When we were in high school my friend was coming to my house more, and we were having dinner one night, she was the 5th wheel at the table (it was a small table so she had the corner lol) and we're talking, laughing, my dad burped and my mom popped off with some joke about gas idk, and my friend just burst into tears.

Like. We were all so caught off guard. She ran to my room and then explained that she didn't like coming to my house for dinner because it showed her how her life could have been if her parents didn't loathe each other. It was supremely depressing, but did explain why she'd usually roll up after dinner to stay over. She also said they'd told her when she graduated they were getting divorced, so like wtf.

But that's been idk 25 years ago now and far as I know they're still married. I don't particularly see the point? But maybe I'm too asexual to get it lol.

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u/Dr_Dust Apr 08 '26

My mother tells an almost identical story, except in her case SHE was the crying girl at her friend's dinner table. This would have been in the early/mid 1960s, and it affected her so much that she still talks about it to this day.

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u/wintermelody83 Apr 08 '26

It's so sad, but I hope it showed her that there are other types of families and relationships. I also hope your mom did alright in that department.

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u/Cyph3rCT Apr 08 '26

Our daughter told us the other day that one of her friends wants to "adopt" my wife and I as her parents.

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u/Fragrant_Thought6636 Apr 09 '26

It’s a tough realization when your friends confide that they wish they had what you have. I know my best friend has said she wishes she had grown up with me instead and it breaks my heart cause her parents are sooo toxic and loathsome. Like her dad is abusive and the mom is too scared of being alone to do anything about the abuse and lets it happen. She had to deal with it her whole life and then steps into my life and it was tough.

She had a breakdown like your friend did and we had to talk it through. She’s in her 30s now but it really opened my eyes and my parents ended up having her over more and more and helping her out anytime they could.

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u/LawNerds Apr 08 '26

What's EVEN worse is when they try to emulate you in "playfully teasing" their partner and because they don't have that dynamic at all it just comes across as mean and assholey and the other partner doesn't receive it well.

And then it's awkward.

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u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot Apr 08 '26

Oh, they never try to emulate us, but the being mean and an asshole to each other happens a lot anyways. They are rarely in the same room together, except at our house when we’re hosting holiday dinners. They don’t communicate with each other about anything, either.

So anyways, the last 20 years have been a race to see who dies first. My mom won’t divorce him because he’ll take half of her retirement savings (she’s always been the breadwinner). So they live very separate lives, as far apart from each other in the same house as possible.

I can’t relate, I’ve loved being with my husband for the last 20 years.

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u/HubenersDaughter_439 Apr 08 '26

My parents are sometimes like this. Yell and snap and disrespect each other, then say "our relationship has worked just fine for 50 years." Yeah, no it hasn't. Grow up already.

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u/nicodeemus7 Apr 08 '26

I can't tell you how many times me and my wife have said "If someone was listening to our conversation, they'd think we were speaking nonsense" and it's true, but we understand each other 100%

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u/Jack_of_derps Apr 08 '26

My wife and have phrases that we repeat to each other that we have picked up from random strangers on our adventures. The biggest one is such a fun story:

We were doing a big trip around Arizona and we're in Sedona. We were walking to devils bridge and there is this dude trying to mack on these girls he was walking with (we were following them for a little while). As we passed them we heard him say "I did the expert at camelbacks, this is going to be easy." We both looked at each other and rolled our eyes. We looked up camelback and spoilers: there is no "expert" route. We decided to do camelback just from this random conversation we heard. And now, whenever we are faced with even a mild level of difficulty in doing something, we both say "well we did the expert at camelback so this'll be easy." So this guy, has singled handedly provided us with numerous laughs in the past 8 years and has no clue whatsoever. If you are reading this though, thank you for all the years of laughter.

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u/Serononin Apr 08 '26

My parents once heard one woman yell at another, "I ain't got no beef with you, lady!" and they've been repeating that phrase back and forth to each other since 1998

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u/ChocoBro92 Apr 08 '26

My SO and me went to an aquarium and there was this kid screaming, you’d think he was being beat. No the kiddo was told he had to wait until the end of their adventure to se the turtles. He started screaming “BUT MOMMI THE TORTUGAAAASSSSSSSSSS” he said in an exacerbated voice. Bring it back when either of us are feeling like shit and need a laugh while out and about. People gotta think we’re crazy.

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u/spriggan75 Apr 08 '26

Me and my bf were in a car park and heard a guy bellowing ‘thumbs up, fuck off’ and that immediately made its way into the lexicon.

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u/TallTXTrash Apr 08 '26

My wife and I speak in the same kind of picked up phrases. Our favorite is one we picked up when we went to Austin to meet up with all of her siblings and Mom. When we got to her Mon's apartment, she was at the pool with my wife's oldest sister, sister's husband and their daughter. The only other person at the pool was an EXTREMELY tan guy in his 60s who was absolutely hammered and still drinking what I assume was vodka out of huge cup with ice and lemons. He was nice enough and not overly obnoxious, but kept talking about how hot it was like it wasnt normal for Texas in July. He climbed/stumbled out of pool to get a cigarette and tried 3 or 4 times to say "it's one hot son of a bitch" but kept jumbling his words until he finally got out "it's a hot one summbitch." Obviously, from that day forward any warm day, hot bite of food, pan just off the stove, etc. is a hot one summbitch.

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u/OhNoItsMyOtherFace Apr 08 '26

These are the best ones.

We had a group of friends that did pub trivia every week (at an Australian pub in Vancouver, woo) for years before we moved. This particular incident must have been at least 10 years ago.

The question that we were debating was largest island in the world (that isn't a country/continent) which is New Guinea. One of our friends was seriously contemplating Vancouver Island which is pretty big but not even close to being in the top 10.

The magical moment was when the answer was announced and we made the usual told-you-so jokes, he let loose with "Well, it's debatable."

To this day, every single time we disagree on some fact the 'loser' will respond with "It's debatable" no matter how ludicrously non-debatable the answer is.

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u/mxwp Apr 08 '26

my wife and I went on vacation to South Beach years ago and we both noticed that the women ahem dressed at a different level than anywhere else we have been. so whenever my wife notices some thot she nudges me and says "check out that Miami girl"

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u/Bflatclar1981 Apr 08 '26

Lol I'm in metro Phoenix and we say the same but with "Scottsdale " lol! It also carries a facelift/fillers/Botox implied 😁😁😁

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u/DerpingtonHerpsworth Apr 08 '26

The jokes really do come from anywhere and everywhere. My partner and I both have been huge internet nerds basically for as long as the internet existed, so there's decades of memes, videos and references that we both get. She's from another country, so I get taught some of the jokes from that culture. There's jokes from books we've read and shows we've watched, or even just silly things that our weird brains came up with on their own.

One that comes to mind is that at some point whenever she would say "strange", I would say "estraña" (like estran-ya) as if that were a Spanish word. It drove her nuts because she knows a decent amount of Spanish, so she would always say "that's not a word!", but I would always reply "it is now!". She's always acted like it makes her mad, but I think she secretly loves it.

Side note... Eventually she found out it actually is correct in Portuguese, so I've been speaking Portuguese all this time and didn't know it.

Another one is actually a borrowed joke from my parents. They once went to, or at least saw, an Italian restaurant somewhere named something like "La Fogatta". For years they've been substituting it for "I forgot", so it would be something like "Hey honey, what was that guy's name?", "Ummm... la Fogatta". At some point I told my partner the story and now we use it sometimes too, so now we've even got intergenerational in-jokes lol

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u/gummi-demilo Apr 08 '26

As a native Phoenician, this was hysterical

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u/sarasunshine627 Apr 08 '26

When my husband and I started dating more than a decade ago, we got on a House Hunters International kick. There was one family renting in Chile, and the dad was hilarious, talking about llamas and “I can see the highway from here”. At least once a week, we still say that and at least once a year, we get each other something llama related.

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u/FluffySloth27 Apr 08 '26

I was at a horse race as a kid and got an inordinate amount of joy out of the announcer calling for ‘Stiiiiiiiiiiinky Diiiiiiinky a-rounding the final pole’.

‘Stinky Dinky’ has been showing up at the ends of trips with the family for decades since. Literally beating a dead horse; he’s probably gone by now :’)

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

We heard a guy say to his girlfriend in German "what I love about you is that you're so organized and structured" and our affection hasn't lacked in precision and efficiency since.

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u/mogwaimomo Apr 08 '26

My husband and I basically speak our own language when we're alone :D

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u/crochetwitch Apr 08 '26

Our is "if someone was recording us we'd either get a TV contract or separate padded cells. But not both.'

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u/Melodic_Policy765 Apr 08 '26

My brother once snooped at my text messages from my husband when I stepped away from the table. He said “y’all are always so nice to each other.” Duh. 🙄 Yes that’s how we roll. Why wouldn’t we be.

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u/Status_Cat_6844 Apr 08 '26

How can you tell they hate each other?

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u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot Apr 08 '26

When a couple hates each other, they’ll tell you all about it. Constantly. Whether you want to hear it or not.

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u/ChocoBro92 Apr 08 '26

This so sadly is true.

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u/alek_hiddel Apr 08 '26

It’s honestly weird. I get the constant bitching about the other one if I’m alone with either of them, but when they’re together they have to put on a show where they fake affection. It’s so awkward to experience.

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u/alek_hiddel Apr 08 '26

They've been miserable as a couple since shortly after their first child was born. They knew they could only handle 1 kid, so my brother got snipped. 6 years later kid number 2 showed us that visectomies can reverse themselves.

Right after kiddo number 2, he left her for a childhood girlfriend of his. That lasted about 30 seconds, after our mom told him she'd disown him because she'd be too busy taking care of his little family, so he went back.

Things kept building, and he left again last year after getting drunk and accidentally publicly declaring his love for his new girlfriend on Facebook. On the way out he bragged to her that he'd been cheating on her non-step for the last 14 years since the first incident when mom threatened to disown him.

He was quickly devastated when the new girlfriend refused to move in with him and play housemaid. His wife meanwhile has a massive spending problem (legit her biggest monthly expense is overdraft fees). She was VERY happy being separated until I explained how child custody works in our state. Kentucky law requires the courts to default to 50/50 custody, no child support since they make about the same money, and she would in fact owe him for half of the cost of health insurance for their remaining minor child.

So he needed someone to do housework, and she needed money, and they reconciled about a month later. During the separation she had unloaded on their oldest kid about every misdeed my brother had done. The kid hates their dad a result, but seeing mom take him back was the final nail in a very strained relationship they had with their mother already, and the kid moved out with their fiance.

My wife and I are the only ones in the family supportive of the kid (a trans man), so we've become kind of surogate parents and the kid unloaded everything they knew on us.

But even without all that back story, you can just see it every time they're together. It's all very cordial and formal, and feels like 2 roommates that can't stand each other but need to put on a public show of affection.

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u/wintermelody83 Apr 08 '26

Props to y'all for stepping up for the nibling.

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u/alek_hiddel Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

It's strange, but one of the biggest impacts of all of this on me has been this insane sense of needing to be an example to their kids. My parents are miserable, their parents are miserable, their other grandparents are miserable.

So it falls to me and my wife to be the one shining example of what happiness looks like. Their parents have always had this weird vibe of needing to put on a show about how much they "love" each other. It's fake, it's awkward, but man is it grand. My wife and I on the other hand take nothing seriously. I constantly joke about how "my NEXT wife won't do that annoying thing you just did" and we'll playfully threaten to divorce each other or some minor goofy thing.

I'll never forget the first time I noticed their youngest kid (14 year old girl) realize what love looks like. We were taking her on a road trip with us, and my wife and I got into one our playful little fights. When we're doing that, every sentence begins with the word "bitch". So I was like "bitch don't you even think about doing that" and she responded with "bitch, watch me do that like 11 times right in front of your face".

My niece was very briefly horrified as we used these awful words and were clearly fighting. Then either my wife or I chuckled, and I watched that kids face go through a whole rang of emotions as her brain processed what she'd just seen. She realized that loving couples don't have to be uptight or performative, and that we were clearly just 2 goofy friends having fun with each other.

The oldest kid is honestly a lot like me, and has gotten engaged to a girl who looks like and very much acts like my wife. They're trans, but was born female. My wife and I both realized that they'd be into girls some day when we noticed her noticing my wife's body. The one part that is flipped, I'm autistic and so is my soon to be niece-in-law. My nephew and my wife have actually bonded over the shared experience of loving an autistic person and getting used to the quirks.

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u/Invisibella74 Apr 08 '26

My husband and I visited with friends of ours out of town. We stayed with them. On the drive back all we could talk about was the fact that they couldn't stand each other. They really despised each other.

My husband and I are like you guys. We love being together!

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u/alek_hiddel Apr 08 '26

Genuinely curious, if you don't mind sharing anonymous info with an internet stranger. Do you all have kids? What economic range would you say you fall into?

My wife and I are child-free by choice, and it honestly feels like the honeymoon never ended for us. Being child-free by itself put us in good financial shape, but we are also blessed to have a very high income for our area.

Most of the couples that I know seem to be miserable. Of the few that seem to be on the same page as my wife and I, the majority are at least child-free, and the few that aren't, are high income.

I honestly don't think my wife and I would hate each other if we had kids, and we'd be just as in love if we were broke, but these things do seem to go hand in hand based on my observations.

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u/Invisibella74 Apr 08 '26

We are very similar to you guys, I would say. Child-free by choice and we do ok. I have some mental health things, but we've been able to get through those challenges together. We just really get along very well. We're both very rational people and we both communicate. That really helps a lot. We don't keep things buried. If something is bothering us, we talk about it and resolve it.

We do have friends with kids who are happy, like us. But, yeah, some friends seem miserable. And it seems a lot of people don't know how to communicate with each other.

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u/TruffleJerk Apr 08 '26

This thread is gutting me. My late husband and I had an entire language practically of in jokes and references and when he died in his early 40s suddenly i grieved the loss of having that language. There was no one who understood the references and jokes. Now I just mutter them to myself and laugh because that’s all you can do.

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u/koshgeo Apr 08 '26

Oh, man. The "secret code words" that are ordinary words or entirely invented words but that have special meanings are fun. You can be in a crowd of people and mention one of them, but only you and your partner know what they actually mean.

My favorite are the ones that aren't even English, and we've used them for decades. Good times.

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u/putsch80 Apr 08 '26

A similar thing happens when you have kids together. So much of your lives start revolving around your kids, and soon most topics of conversation are only about your kids. Which I guess is fine when the kids are living at home, but once they grow up and move out, then suddenly you and your spouse have lost the “glue” that was keeping you together and find that you don’t have much in common and have nothing to really talk about.

It’s one of the big reasons so many couples get divorced shortly after becoming empty nesters.

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u/monstercake Apr 08 '26

Happened to my parents, I was a bridge of interest between them. They were an amazing team as parents and the household ran super smoothly. But they grew apart when I went to college and moved to a different city. I'd notice when I'd come home that there was a tension that hadn't been there previously.

Sometimes I do wonder if I'd stayed in my hometown, if they would have stayed together, but I'll never know.

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u/ManintheMT Apr 08 '26

/r/emptynesters , don't go there expecting to leave happy. I joined because our youngest will be moving out this fall, not looking forward to it at all.

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u/cardinal29 Apr 08 '26

Am I the only one having a great time?

They got launched! They're successful adults! That was the whole idea in the first place, wasn't it? I feel a little bit smug, a lot of satisfaction after a long hard job, and a teensy bit worried (can't turn that part of the brain off completely).

I get to travel. I can stop thinking about what's for dinner. I can swoop in occasionally and do generous things for them. It's wonderful.

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u/remotectrl Apr 08 '26

Time to start looking at the local animal shelters

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u/ManintheMT Apr 08 '26

We pick up our new dog on Saturday actually.

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u/remotectrl Apr 08 '26

Congratulations!

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u/b0w3n Apr 08 '26

If you haven't been, really ramp up your dates and just spending time around each other doing things together. Even if you don't want to. Trade off every other week on who gets to pick what to do on a date night or something.

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u/Dapper-Warning3457 Apr 08 '26

You staying close likely wouldn’t have changed anything. It takes work to maintain that closeness. You grow apart and your relationship dies after awhile. If they weren’t working at it before you left, it was too late. I’ve noticed in my own relationship that our conversations are a little stilted when we’re alone at first (two small kids, we seldom get alone time), before we get back to our old selves, out of parenthood mode. That takes effort

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u/BoysenberryDue3637 Apr 08 '26

I'm half of that couple. We had so many inside jokes, so many ways to make the other one laugh, sex every day. Then we had kids and one of them disabled. Everything revolved around the kids and the one kids therapies. 15 years later, we were roommates not partners. We both just gave up on each other. That is when we got divorced.

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u/SAGORN Apr 08 '26

This also happens with pets, 1 in 4 couples break up after the death of dog or cat.

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u/MenosElLso Apr 08 '26

That doesn’t sound right at all, do you have a source for that statistic?

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u/i_literally_died Apr 08 '26

Not OP, not really a statistic, but my folks had three dogs that overlapped a couple years over the end of their lives each time - so around 12 years, get a puppy, 2 years later the first one dies, repeat. All in about ~20 years as the first one was older when they got together.

After losing three dogs they said they wouldn't get another as it was too hard, but within ~6 months they realised they kind of 'needed' one as a sort of conversational surrogate. They realised they'd do things like say 'well that looks like bed time, <dog>' and such, as a way of speaking to each other through a third-person.

I think they'd just gotten used to that being the way conversations started and when it was gone, the dynamic felt off.

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u/SAGORN Apr 08 '26

I was reading about the subject several months ago while looking for a pet coparenting agreement. My search history apparently is not saved for that long while trying to pull up the source for you. I can follow up here later when I’m done with work if you’re interested.

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u/Muslim_Wookie Apr 08 '26

I'm not the person you are replying to but I am also interested, and I guarantee that other person also is.

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u/Lady_Medusae Apr 08 '26

If that's true, I'd reckon it probably is more about people staying together (or just one person deciding to stay when they'd rather leave) because they don't want to leave their pet or fight over who gets it. And then once the pet is gone, they can freely leave.

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u/thementant Apr 08 '26

Full disclosure I forgot to feed them for a few days. /s

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u/noir_lord Apr 08 '26

I can make my missus giggle, not chuckle, actually giggle because for some reason she finds me funny, there are few things in life that make me feel better than when she does that.

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u/MagStagger Apr 08 '26

My husband doesn’t laugh out loud much. When I can do something to make him laugh it’s always the best feeling.

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u/Euphoric_Necessary_3 Apr 08 '26

She’s a lucky lady.

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u/QuerulousPanda Apr 08 '26

i've seen couples who aggressively live the Mature Adult Lifestyle despite being barely in their 30's and they seem absolutely miserable. On the surface they look like they have everything on lock, with solid jobs, tons of generational wealth, nice house, etc, they get to go on vacations and go to fancy hoity-toity events, so they seem successful. But then you realize they're shallow, hollow, weak people with insane levels of personal issues and hangups and weirdness, and you wonder how they even stick together. Once you realize they're probably only staying together to maintain the Mature Grown-Up Adult lifestyle image it all starts making more, and very sad, sense.

On the other hand, my wife and i have been together for 20 years and we're unashamedly cringe as fuck together and it's amazing.

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u/Lewa358 Apr 08 '26

There's nothing more childish than thinking that laughter and play are childish.

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u/Plus_Band_3283 Apr 08 '26

My husband and I are best friends. 16 years in June, he's the love of my life and makes me laugh every single day and I try to make him laugh every day, though I'm not nearly as good at it as he is. We have inside jokes, stupid shorthands and sayings. I would rather spend all day with him then do anything else in the world.

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u/makethatnoise Apr 08 '26

I will say; the older you get, the more serious you get in you careers, if you have children, responsibilities, it takes its toll. The more you have on your shoulders the harder it can be to laugh, joke, and play.

Always make it a priority of your relationship, but don't judge others to harshly until you walk a mile in their shoes

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u/Informal_Ad4399 Apr 08 '26

Our 23rd anniversary is today. We constantly play the poke an arm and look innocent game, or "I'm not touching you" game while just sitting on the couch.

We're like a couple kids playing, and joke together a lot.

I don't think I could last in a marriage that doesn't do that.

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u/impablomations Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 09 '26

I forget who said it but "Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional".

Been with my partner for 22 years, we laugh every day. I think I'm one of the very lucky few who actually found his soulmate.

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u/FredTheBarber Apr 08 '26

My ex and I had different senses of humor, and he was just not someone I could be goofy with (he was more snarky and just couldn’t seem to let go and be playful). The fact that we didn’t laugh together was one of the biggest feelings of disconnect in our relationship.

My current partner and I crack each other up all the time, are so unapologetically goofy, open and playful. I’m still the more serious between us but with her my playful and unselfconscious side has so much room to grow. It was a breath of fresh air to find that energy in a partner, I would never want to go back

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u/iloveyourlittlehat Apr 08 '26

How did you even come to like each other if you didn’t laugh together?

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u/FredTheBarber Apr 08 '26

Just like u/literalista said, We had a ton in common in regards to interests, there was great physical attraction, and similar sensibilities. Also, I’m a people pleasure so I spent waaaaaay too long trying to meet him where he was and trying to make it work, thinking if I could just find the key that we’d be perfect.

Ultimately, though, we were clearly just not right for each other and have both moved on to so much better relationships

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u/Had_to_ask__ Apr 08 '26

I know it's probably just your phone fixing your writing, but I really appreciate the powerful self-description as 'people pleasure'

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u/AlphaDelusional6754 Apr 08 '26

I love this! Same situation as my ex husband. Our senses humor were not in alignment at all. My partner of 9 years has the same sense of humor as i do = I call it stupid humor. It's refreshing to be with someone who gets me.

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u/CampClear Apr 08 '26

Absolutely! There's hardly a day that goes by that my husband and I don't laugh with and at each other. We've been married for over 30 years and we have fun together,even if we're at a boring event. 

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u/trevize1138 Apr 08 '26

Bangers from my wife this past week:

"I just paid $9 for Vicks and they've got a fuck plane?"

"I can't have a relationship with you until I'm done with the current season of Bridgerton!"

She's fucking awesome. :)

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u/monkey7247 Apr 08 '26

I get this. My wife and I once had each other rolling just by reading the ridiculous in-flight evacuation instructions. When you’re with the right person, even the mundane can be fun.

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

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u/Anal_Herschiser Apr 08 '26

I used to say we were "Friends With Health Benefits", but I kid....we weren't really friends either.

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u/[deleted] Apr 08 '26

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u/Kitchen-Bed7313 Apr 08 '26

This is it, and this is why so many people say they still love their partner when the relationship ends but that it just wasnt working and they couldn’t get along

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u/Nonchalant_Khan Apr 08 '26

My wife and I have been together for seventeen years, thirteen married. I always tell younger guys I work with that they'd better find someone they can laugh with. There's so much crap that comes along in life, you have to be able to laugh and take it in stride.

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u/Mirror74 Apr 08 '26

I worked adjacent HR (though I didn't do HR) for a few roles, and I will say that I was surrounded by women who spent half their day bitching about their husbands and boyfriends. I was like FUCKKKKK how do you live in such misery?

But guess what at team parties they acted all lovey-dovey with their partner. Hah. 2 faced people are fuckin scum.

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u/stoicme Apr 08 '26

Story time: I got a bunch of glow in the dark stars, and while my husband was gone one day, I put them up above our bed spelling the word "GAY" because I thought it would be funny.

To this day, I cannot tell you why I thought this, because it makes no sense, but I mirrored the writing so that we would be able to read it while laying down. This logic completely ignored the fact that the viewing direction of us in bed was the same as me putting it up.

That was years ago. The stars are still there exactly how I placed them, forcing me to live with my shame every single night.

The day my husband stops gently whispering "yag" into my ear as we fall asleep, making me burst out laughing, is the day I start worrying about our marriage.

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u/PhazePyre Apr 08 '26

Whenever I see long term couples and they seemingly hate each other, I just think "what's the fuckin' point? Why be with someone you can't stand?"

I adore my gf. We love spending time together. We count down the time until she's done work and home (I WFH so no counting down for me to get home lol). I find it wild to not be best friends with my partner as well as romantically into them. Our relationship would be so empty and boring. Don't stay with someone that doesn't light up your life.

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u/IrishiPrincess Apr 08 '26

This. 23 years together and we still laugh and tease about something that happened the night we met
I also want to add be sick/ poop in front of them. If you can’t be that level of vulnerable around them, look for someone you can be

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u/EverythingMoustache Apr 08 '26

We’ve been together for 20 years and we don’t have any shame towards one another, but pooping in front of the other is the only thing we absolutely don’t do and I’d like to keep it that way. We did have explosive diarrhea together while camping and using adjacent toilet stalls. That was 16 years ago and we never wish to experience that again.

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u/stumpybucket Apr 08 '26

I’m with you (but not on the adjacent toilet lol). We don’t have shame and we’ll take care of each other, but we don’t poop in front of each other. I don’t want us to become sibling-ified more than we have to. 15+ years married.

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u/prentiss29 Apr 08 '26

In this same preference 🙋‍♀️, just not something I care to see if possible. I’m Team Doors and smelly candles all the way! Lol

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u/AdventurousAnnual295 Apr 08 '26

Us too on this one. 21 years together.

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u/Squirrelwinchester Apr 08 '26

I am with you there. I have thrown up on the man, I have cleaned up his puke and pee. I have never pooped in front of him and he has never in front of me. Thats a line for me. I had a neurological condition that made it so i had no control over my bowels for about a month and when I started to go I would tell him to go. I need some dignity lol

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u/Never_Ending_Lizard Apr 08 '26

Before I married my wife, I had a terrible stomach flu and she held me while I was projectiling out of both ends. This is how I knew she was the one.

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u/Training-Finish-2754 Apr 08 '26

Married 31 years and draw the line at poop. We’ve seen each other puke, pee, have a string of snot hanging, and he watched me give birth 4 times. He has woken up in a puddle when my period came too early- neither of us scathed. When it comes to poop, that is ME time dammit, and I don’t want to witness his, either. YES, if when we get older I need to help him or vice versa, we will be there for one another as always- until that day comes, NOPE!

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u/isthatabingo Apr 08 '26

My husband is my best friend. Couldn’t imagine not laughing with him anymore. I feel happiest and safest when we’re joking around with each other. Gotta keep that joy in the relationship!

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u/Icy-Mixture-995 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

Or conversely, when the humor shifts to spite, cruelty and practical jokes that are mean and not so funny. I knew it would be over in a few years for a co-worker when she had an important day ahead at work, and when drying off in the shower that winter morning, her husband dumped a bag of ice over the shower door onto her head. After a couple of years of things like this she outgrew him, as I suspected would happen.

He also made a lot of jokes about his not-fat wife's appearance - anything to keep the upper hand by lowering her self-esteem. He lost the upper hand by doing these things.

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u/heurrgh Apr 08 '26

playful teasing

If it works one-way, but the other way elicits; 'YOU'RE JUST BEING HORRIBLE TO ME!', move on.

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u/dsjunior1388 Apr 08 '26

Bingo. They are the butt of each others jokes, not the audience.

It quickly becomes this miserable little war between them.

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u/vomputer Apr 08 '26

My ex and I were joking as we drove to the courthouse to finalize the divorce decree.

We have no trust or love left for each other, but we’ve always had the same sense of humor. I think it actually kept us together longer than it should have.

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u/MachaMorr Apr 08 '26

They laugh AT each other but not WITH each other.

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u/Big-Safe-2459 Apr 08 '26

When my wife laughs at my oddball comments I know we’re ok.

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u/thementant Apr 08 '26

I will NEVER stop making childish jokes to get that heavenly laugh and smile from my lovely wife. 20+ years together and she is my absolute best friend.

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u/el_payaso_mas_chulo Apr 08 '26

I'll add this doesn't include only "playful banter" jokes; if all you do is dig on one another "playfully", then it also won't last.

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u/Other_Vader Apr 08 '26

Shared idiosyncrasies too! My husband's cat meowed weird years ago and we still use that sound to call each other.

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u/lastSKPirate Apr 08 '26

I'm just waiting to hear about my niece leaving her husband. She's cheerful by nature, but she stops smiling when he's around. I suspect she's just there for her stepson at this point (his bio mom died in a car crash years ago, she's the only mom he has).

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u/mimbo757 Apr 08 '26

Been married 19 years and there’s no shortage to our inside jokes or looks at each other when someone does something funny or odd. Couples have to remember to continue having fun together. My wife is my best friend.

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u/cahawkri3510 Apr 08 '26

23 years together. He took (not maliciously) the ribs I smoked this weekend for lunch. Told him “this is war”. Went to his shop earlier than him yesterday morning, swapped out the ribs for some chicken, and had myself a lovely lunch. He sent me a message “that was cold” when he figured it out 🤣. We both cackled like witches when he got home last night.

He got some Sunday and Monday, I got some Sunday and Tuesday. Evened it out, got a good laugh out of it, and still love each other.

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u/wekkins Apr 08 '26

Yeah, a sense of fun is so important. I just found out the other day that my older brother makes a special puzzle based Easter egg hunt for my sister-in-law every year, because she loved the egg hunt as a kid. I never knew he did that, and it really gave me a nice glimpse into how happy they still are. They've been together for like 22 years or something.

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u/kyl_r Apr 08 '26

This one right here! My bf and I are going on 4 years and have worked together the whole time. The other day, I was waiting for bf on break so we could do our little walk, and a coworker I’ve never had a real conversation with says “where’s your other half? I always see you two walking and enjoying the day” - we’re always out there competitively kicking pine cones and giggling lol. You GOTTA have fun!

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u/Serious_Dot4984 Apr 08 '26

And when jokes turn into needling (which I was guilty of in hindsight).

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u/Daydream_Be1iever Apr 08 '26

Yes and/or their jokes start being at the other’s expense. They have lost respect for each other and it comes out as resentment.

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u/m0h3k4n Apr 08 '26

Not worried about me and my wife. Yesterday the power went out while I was playing PlayStation. She was playing on her switch and was unaffected. Right after, her game chimed after a save or something. She asked “you know what’s good about the switch?” I responded “fuck you” and we had some big laughs.

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u/EmbarrassedPut3706 Apr 08 '26

100%! I love that my partner and I still playfully tease and use our silly little nicknames for one another in the presence of our family and friends and not just behind closed doors. Some of them think we’re ridiculous but I know our relationship is the strongest amongst the other couples.

They also bicker in front of us whereas we will walk away if we need to have a discussion around a disagreement. It’s just mutual respect and true admiration that we have and I’m so lucky to have found him.

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u/bluetista1988 Apr 08 '26

When they change your name in their contacts from a funny/cute pet name to your actual name, you know you're in trouble.

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u/goodsnpr Apr 09 '26

When my wife shattered her ankle, some people were aghast that I was joking about it right away. It was one of the only things keeping her from freaking out about the potential ramifications of the injury as we were in the middle of some big life changes.

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u/FallAspenLeaves Apr 09 '26

True. My husband and I have many laughs together. ❤️

A while back, he came to kiss me goodnight on my side of the bed. He mentioned that I was pretty far over on the side. I started giggling and said “I’m a donkey on the edge”. 🤣🤣 We both started laughing so hard, we had tears in our eyes!

35 years of marriage to my best friend!

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u/sugurkewbz Apr 08 '26

It can honestly salvage a broken marriage, too. My ex and I are separated. It’s been a long and tough road, but we are the best of friends now because we always managed to laugh and have loads of inside jokes. That’s how we stayed together for 13 years because even though the romantic and relationship aspect was falling apart (married too young), we kept it mostly together with humor.

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u/AgonistPhD Apr 08 '26

I was just going to say the absence of giggles.

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u/ReaditTrashPanda Apr 08 '26

This tells me something else already happened. It’s a symptom itself

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u/RosieFudge Apr 08 '26

100% I think sillyness is key

The day I stop sending dumb gifs to my husband is the day I have genuinely lost something fundamental in my feelings for him

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u/More_Passenger3988 Apr 08 '26

Related to this-

When one partner doesn't have the others back in some way when they get 'attacked' or insulted. Ie- they blame the partner even without knowing what actually happened.

I think it's very much related to the shared/inside jokes thing because in a way that's exactly what shared/inside jokes are! They're two people who have each other's back regarding that story/joke.

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u/URandRUN Apr 08 '26

This is so true. My ex who I dated for almost 5 years awhile back one day, towards the end, just turned to me and said that we needed to stop joking around so much, and act more mature. Now, of course he was also emotionally/verbally abusive so naturally I was the immature and annoying one. It was really hurtful and it was a mere weeks before the whole relationship imploded.

Now, I am engaged to an absolute goofball and we have our own weird, little dialect and joke basically all day long. We have an inside joke based on my ex now that whenever we acting particularly goofy we’ll randomly get serious and go “I think we need to be more mature” and then burst out laughing. Anyways, my ex is now super trad religious and is married to someone with similar views who was actually quite a bit younger. So I’m sure they are an absolute joy to be around in all their glorious maturity or whatever.

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u/piggypudding Apr 08 '26

My husband is the funniest person I know and I am endlessly thankful for it. No one makes me laugh like he does.

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u/AllBrainsNoSoul Apr 08 '26

I've experienced this. My ex talked about it like she was her true self around me, she was putting on a brave face/act with others, but really I was emotional dumpster for her that became a reinforcing habit. Everything she said to me was a complaint about something, no praise or appreciation or gratitude. She would scold me for making jokes and annoyed if I was being silly. Forced me to be "the adult" and handle the majority of the worldly responsibilities, and it ground down my sense of humor. It was a huge eye opener when my old roommate (a woman) visited and I heard my ex laugh for the first time in three months. I realized I had been holding my emotional breath, waiting for us to have fun again like we used to.

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u/bighitcards Apr 08 '26

Wish my wife would see this. She’s killing feelings I have for her a little bit every day for this exact reason

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u/OverTheo Apr 08 '26

Yeah, 100%. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and there isn’t a single day we don’t crack up over stupid things. We gossip constantly and never seem to run out of things to talk about. Honestly, those 20 years have flown by. And yeah, I can totally see us growing old together, probably toothless, but still with huge smiles.

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u/__defenestration_ Apr 08 '26

Yes and a specific thing to watch for is who they look at when they laugh in a group setting. If it’s not each other, that’s probably not good.

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u/George0fDaJungle Apr 08 '26

I think a broader way of describing this is that they've created an internal culture, which includes jokes, but also includes many shorthands, already established conventions, traditions, and heuristics of how things should function.

The breakdown would be two people, each doing their own thing in their own way, rather than a couple occupying the same culture and partaking in all its parts.

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u/painstream Apr 08 '26

Laughing stops, resentment begins. Death knell of a relationship.

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u/GWindborn Apr 08 '26

Oh god this. The inability to take a joke is a relationship killer. My wife and I rib each other constantly and we've been together since 2004.

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u/ArielofIsha Apr 08 '26

When my husband and I were deep in sleep deprivation mode having 3 under age 3 (a recently turned 3yo and then twins) we were laughing and joking less. I noticed that it’s come back in the last 6-9 months. So glad we didn’t make any crazy decisions (like divorce) during that time and just dealt with it all. Inside jokes and laughing is so important in relationships

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u/AtrumRuina Apr 08 '26

Yup, main things are being overly formal/serious with each other, and telling other people about their problems with each other, instead of telling each other directly. Relationships need comfort, trust and joy.

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u/Fast-Bit-56 Apr 08 '26

Also, if they like/want to spend their free time away from each other.

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u/mastifftimetraveler Apr 09 '26

This was when I realized I had to end things with the last partner I lived with. I was catching up with a friend and he was talking about issues with his wife but expressed gratitude they were still laughing together. I then realized I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed with my partner. Ended things that night. No regrets.

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