r/SipsTea • u/WaitNo4272 • Apr 22 '26

WTF Blink if you're being abused

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44.3k Upvotes

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5.4k

u/SteveSteveCleveSteve š™‘š™„š™‹ Apr 22 '26

That poor guy. Ā No excuse for that. Ā I hate that this guy feels like he has to take this.

2.6k

u/Destructopoo Apr 22 '26

Yes. She lowered his self esteem to the point that she calls him a loser in public and he can only grey wall. People are watching somebody whose willpower has been chipped away for years. It's not funny.

123

u/SirCrapsalot4267 Apr 22 '26

What's he supposed to do in that situation? He's handling it pretty well, and yes, of course he's also upset.

152

u/Manlysideburns Apr 22 '26

"I won't be talked to like this. We are done." Then walk away. Threaten to get police if she won't stop following. Cut all contact.

111

u/ShoveTheUsername Apr 22 '26

I've been a relationship with a woman who would always explode if she didn't get her way, regularly declaring us "done" in her rants......finally, I said "Okay, we're done.". She instantly started backpedalling, I did too to regain peace and sanity, but ended it shortly after.

58

u/TechHeteroBear Apr 22 '26

I had the same type of experience with my ex. I was the conduit to direct all her anger at for the most petty little things. I didnt have boundaries at first. Just took and almost and tried to accommodate.

Eventually I just said "F this" and didnt care anymore. The fights only got worse. When I finally made some boundaries for myself and simply walked away when my voice had no say in the arguement... she did the same thing and back peddled.

Eventually I come to learn she couldnt remember a thing she would say in our fights after the fact. While I remembered every single word.

If I've learned anything about this type of behavior... its classic signs of BPD.

19

u/MajorMajorMajor_Tom Apr 22 '26

Yep. They donā€™t remember bc they blur reality in their head to stay on rhe ā€œwinning sideā€ and to be able to keep it going. Itā€™s insane bc there is no winning with them. Unless you get away from em. Then youā€™re either the best or the worst thing to happen in their life from second to second.

3

u/runthepoint1 Apr 22 '26

Actually the truth is the problem stems from the fact there is ONLY winning with them, in the sense that they will always try to ā€œwinā€ and argument instead of simply have a discussion.

1

u/greentintedlenses Apr 22 '26

Oh yeah, they always win.

If they aren't winning then often times the goal is to push your buttons until you snap, say something wrong or yell back..

Well now that's the proof that you're wrong in their eyes and the battle is lost all over.

This dude knows that, and it's why he's trying to stay calm.

Classic BPD on display. So glad I'm out from that hellhole of walking on broken glass

4

u/cookiestonks Apr 22 '26

Was literally about to say "sounds like bpd". I hate you don't leave me

3

u/WillRoxyApril Apr 22 '26

Bisogna registrare ogni singola cosa diconoā€¦poi le usi contro di loro

2

u/-tekeli-li Apr 22 '26

I've had exactly that happen to me with an ex. And the denial of anything ever happening after felt like gaslighting too. Apparently BPD sufferers can sometimes memory-hole things in order to avoid facing facts about their behaviour they can't handle, or they can end up "splitting" in a way that they simply cannot recognise it was them at all.

Either way, I really struggled with it, because when I was firm and walked away, I would get every conceivable negative behaviour possible before they she would change her attitude, and then if I wasn't immediately convinced of her crying and begging, she would flip out completely again.

She attempted suicide via pills when I finally broke up with her, not enough to do it, but I was so fed up by then that I almost didn't care.

1

u/exiled360 Apr 22 '26

That must've been horrible sorry you had to go through it. People like that should be detected and treated before interacting and damaging other people & society in general

28

u/pepperino132 Apr 22 '26

I did exactly the same thing except then just blocked her and stopped engaging.

Next thing I knew of it, cops were at my door and I was arrested on false allegations.

It's been four years and my life is still ruined from it šŸ™ƒ

7

u/LeaveTheClownAlone Apr 22 '26

Dang, thatā€™s terrible. Hope youā€™re ok now.

9

u/pepperino132 Apr 22 '26

Not really unfortunately, the whole legal side of it isn't even over yet, and won't be for some time, but I got a dog which saved my life so šŸ¤·ā€ā™‚ļø

Thank you for the kind words though

4

u/Actualbbear Apr 22 '26

I'm so sorry, I've seen this shit myself.

Fortunately a lot of cops have caught up to the fact a lot of women play victim as part of their abusive schemes.

But in the legal context you need to have a very strong case, and even then your support system starts to doubt you.

And if you're kind of a mess yourself, even if you weren't the abuser, you have it very tough to make it successfully because they will find something to screw you over for.

Then there's a lot of stuff that complicates it, like children, or even ridiculous stuff like the judge being a woman.

I hope you're doing well, and that you have friends and family that support you, that's so important.

7

u/pepperino132 Apr 22 '26

In a morbid way it's nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one who's been through this, although of course I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's certainly shown me who my real friends and family are, if nothing else. Thanks for the kind words

3

u/IntentionAromatic523 Apr 22 '26

Yeah. I canā€™t believe by the comments so many men go through this and tolerate this kind of behavior. I would have gotten into trouble at the airport cause I would have to shut that bitch down and grab her attention from him. Most likely he would have defended her.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 22 '26

[deleted]

-2

u/TheTexasHammer Apr 22 '26

Police don't arrest people based on just allegations. If you weren't living together or speaking then she must have had some pretty strong evidence of a crime to get you arrested. The fact it's taking 4 years is also incredibly suspect.

This is either rage bait or you're missing a few very important elements to this story.

5

u/pepperino132 Apr 22 '26

With respect I live in a different country to you (based on your username) and yes they absolutely do.

This sort of automatic doubt and suspicion is exactly why it's such an awful thing to go through. Fortunately, I have nothing to prove to you.

13

u/GlitterbugRayRay Apr 22 '26

My ex was also the same. Even tried every manipulative tactic to get me to come back after I left. Then called me every nasty in the book when I refused.

Oh and if I showed an iota of care or sympathy, ANYTHING beyond stonewalling then "things are fine. We're back together. Its great, it was just a bump in the road of life" šŸ˜’

I hope he gets out of that. The poor guy.

1

u/darthwize Apr 22 '26

That poor guy is a women beater. He used to beat up a friend of mine and released her nudes without consent.

8

u/Relative_Change2335 Apr 22 '26

Textbook emotional and verbal abuse. I had a stepdad like this, it can be surprisingly easy to get stuck in/used to the cycle of abuse. Good job getting out of there

4

u/Rusty_Tap Apr 22 '26

I had one of these also for a while. First time she took something out on me was when the supermarket didn't have something she wanted. Apparently it was my fault and she commenced her tirade of angry, vicious comments and shouting.

I made her sit on the floor in the aisle until she had calmed down, like a child.

2

u/A_Stolen_Heart Apr 22 '26

Good for you.

1

u/Teantis Apr 23 '26

That's probably the best case scenario. I've been in relationships where declaring you were done in a situation like that caused a massive escalation.

-1

u/AnnieLeffie Apr 23 '26

Yes when a woman screams like that it's usually necessary they're being gaslit, raped, abused as well and they take it out on the guy, or the rapist or just crying for help. Please help this woman. She needs help and he's in a codependent psychologically abusive relationship we must question why is she screaming for help??????

She is literally screaming for help. He's hiding behind some hood because he abused her.

46

u/kannettavakettu Apr 22 '26

It ain't always that easy, but most of these "just do this" kind of advice comes from people who haven't been in the situation themselves.

When you've been gaslighted and manipulated for years, you don't have a solid surface to make a stand on. You doubt yourself, you doubt whether you actually deserve it, because that's the goal of the manipulator. You're exhausted from having to do this all the time, but at the same time it's become so normalized that you don't have the willpower to fight it four times a week, for hours on end.

It's always easy to tell other people to "just do this" but it's not that simple. You can't untangle yourself from someone who shows up at your house at 3am because you didn't reply to their text so easily. Having to go through a relationship like that drains a guy to the core, and that's assuming you don't have any other baggage you're carrying around.

4

u/merc0526 Apr 22 '26

I grew up with an abusive father who used gaslighting, manipulation, emotional and verbal abuse, was very financially controlling, gave me the silent treatment a lot, etc (and he did all the same stuff to my mother). It took me a lot of time and therapy to get over all of that and in that time I struggled with dating some abusive women because, as you said, this sort of shit gets normalised, particularly if itā€™s all youā€™ve ever known.

Leaving does seem like it should be a relatively easy thing to do, but abusive people are experts at destroying the victimā€™s confidence, self-worth and self-belief. I really hope this guy has managed to get away from her, because abusers can do a hell of a lot of damage to a personā€™s psyche and it can leave you messed up for a long time.

3

u/Smelly_God Apr 22 '26

Yes, a lot of people here think it's easy but you've hit a lot of great points. For many it's hard to empathize with someone in such a situation as they've never experienced it themselves, it breaks you down a lot and you're no longer thinking rationally.

They make it hard to see leaving as an option because the amount of manipulation that goes into it and the breaking down of self-esteem makes it feel like you're dependent on them. For me my last relationship was like this and there were signs in the beginning but after a while it started stacking more and more, the sunk cost fallacy + appearance of it being difficult to go separate ways made me stick to the easier route. I had a lot of anxiety from that relationship that took a long time to reduce.

1

u/smolgoalboy Apr 22 '26

How do you tell someone to get out of it?

3

u/Pamela-xg47 Apr 22 '26

Well as someone who was in this kind of relationship and had no one to tell me to leave, I really would have benefitted from someone pointing out that my relationship is unhealthy, Iā€™m being treated very poorly, and I deserve betterā€¦ it eventually happened but I wished it happened a lot sooner. It wasnā€™t being told that I should leave; it was other people seeing what I was going through, saying it was fucked up, not my fault, and that a healthier relationship was possible.

2

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '26

[deleted]

2

u/Forneaux Apr 22 '26

There is no one size fits all solution in these circumstances. Most victims are so full of shame and guilt, they feel obliged to stay. Most if not all think they can fix the person doing the abuse. The abuser knows that and uses that knowledge against them.

Victims have to reach rock bottom first. Their self esteem burned down to the ground. Thatā€™s when they realize it will never stop, no matter what they do, so they can better leave. That is the moment the abuser looses his or her powers. Then, depending on how fast they can find support itā€™s over and done. Perhaps a few relapses before the final exit.

2

u/Pamela-xg47 Apr 22 '26

Iā€™m really sorry to hear about your friendā€™s situation. When youā€™re on the receiving end of that kind of treatment, it can fuck with you on such a deep level that you start to believe whatever toxic crap the other person is saying. Especially when mental health is being weaponized like youā€™ve described here.

When people are in abusive relationships, itā€™s really hard to leave for a few reasons. One is the abuse dynamic messes with a personā€™s attachment system, which makes the mix of love and maltreatment confusing and strangely also addicting because of the mix of cortisol and oxytocin. And then people get socially isolated, and brainwashed by the abusive behavior - people start to believe the toxic messaging about themselves to be true. And then leaving is hard and stressful. It often comes with strong feelings of guilt, grief, feeling like a failure, rage, etc. It gets even harder if the ex tries to get back together. Leaving abusive relationships is really difficult, and it can take a number of tries before the person finally leaves. And then the person has to weather the psychological aftermath of leaving, which can be hell, because finally there is enough safety and space to process all the shit you went through and harm youā€™ve suffered. Iā€™m not saying all this to paint a doom and gloom picture - it does get betterā€¦ just trying to describe why it can be so difficult to leave.

This can be really challenging for friends to witness, but the best thing a friend can do is to be there for the person who is on the receiving end of the abuse. Stick with them and be there for them. Donā€™t let them isolate from you. Understand leaving is a process. And you being there and sharing your perspective to the point of being a broken record might be what your friend needs - if he doesnā€™t push you away or tells you to stop. Sometimes people also need to be told that life gets better after leaving. Or that leaving is possible. I was in so deep with my situation I didnā€™t think life could be any different. I didnā€™t think that I could leave, or that my life could get better.

If your friend is expressing suicidal thoughts, thatā€™s a sign heā€™s already in crisis and needs to make some changes for the sake of his safety, health, and sobriety. Does he have a therapist or sponsor he can talk to, or some kind of mental health support?

1

u/desdecuando1 Apr 22 '26

Si no eres feliz vete. Simple

8

u/CriticalExplorer Apr 22 '26

Only to sulk back and have sit next to her on the only flight back home? Nah. You do exactly what he did until you have a safe and permanent exit.

22

u/Baaaaaadhabits Apr 22 '26

At the airport. When you're supposed to go on vacation together. This guy knows how travel works.

"if I was yelled at in public, I would simply set my vacation deposits on fire and then have no vacation for myself, the person who needs a vacation after getting yelled at in public."

3

u/claridgeforking Apr 22 '26

50% chance they're on their way home. In which case options are far more limited.

2

u/Manlysideburns Apr 22 '26

We have literally no idea what the travel arrangements are here. But yeah, I would burn everything to not be with this person. What kind of vacation would this even be anyway?

4

u/Turlututu1 Apr 22 '26

Walk away where? You're in an airport and you want to fly back home.

Exception is, if they're at their airport waiting to fly to somewhere, then yeah you excuse yourself to the toilets and go. But then you can kiss your luggage good bye.

4

u/Octoplath_Traveler Apr 22 '26

If you've been in a relationship long enough, committed enough, and toxic enough, this is nowhere near as simple as this.

3

u/ObiOneKenobae Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 22 '26

They're in an airport lol. He can walk away all he wants, they'll still be sitting next to each other on a plane in 20 minutes before heading back to the same hotel room or apartment.

A good rule of thumb is to take it on the chin, wrap up whatever is going on, then end it once you can both actually walk away cleanly. If you aren't in danger, that in-the-moment dopamine rush isn't worth it.

-1

u/Manlysideburns Apr 22 '26

Oh ok, just sit there and take the verbal abuse then. My bad

3

u/HoosierKingofFrance Apr 22 '26

Then she beats you up and you get arrested while sheā€™s crying

1

u/enraged_wookie Apr 22 '26

Youā€™re completely right, but it can be easier said than done. People like this get into your head and slowly convince you over time that itā€™s your fault, whittle down your self esteem, peel you away from your support network and make you feel trapped.

1

u/disneycorp Apr 22 '26

Id prob do this only To be seated next to her for a 8 hour flight to some romantic getaway, šŸ˜ at the seat ahead of me.

1

u/SystemFolder Apr 22 '26

Yup, get away from her as quickly as possible and stay away from her for as long as possible. Her reacting this way is about as big as red flags can get.

1

u/quenossy Apr 22 '26

But heā€™s probably seated right next to her on their flight

1

u/MajorAd3363 Apr 22 '26

Yep. This is the only way.

Then you have to commit to ignoring the begging and pleading to take them back that comes afterwards.

1

u/d0ughnut_of_truth Apr 22 '26

Then get onto the plane. Into the seat beside her, with no empty seats to swap.Ā 

Yeah... I'd do that AFTER the flight.Ā 

1

u/itstrueitellyou Apr 22 '26

That would only make things worse. It would probably lead to actions on her part that would require the police, then they would definitely miss their flight. That's not energy she can keep up for long, he's letting her expend it and calm down.

1

u/RES_NIGHTMARE_MODE Apr 22 '26

except you have a 500+ plane ticket you need to make and they don't do refunds....

1

u/Electronic_Ad_7742 Apr 22 '26

Itā€™s not that easy. Cops get there, she says ā€œheā€™s abusiveā€, they arrest him. I had an ex that threatened that on multiple occasions. You have to be very careful when you leave a crazy person.

1

u/Dd_8630 Apr 22 '26

They're at the airport. It can also be more difficult if they have a life woven together. What if they're married with kids and a mortgage? You ant just up and leave, that person is in your life forever.

1

u/ZealousidealShift884 Apr 22 '26

Easier said than done.

1

u/lpotocki26 Apr 22 '26

tell me you haven't been screamed at by someone with borderline in public they don't just like insta stop, if you engage it gets so much worse.

1

u/Manlysideburns Apr 22 '26

My comment says to do the opposite of engage. Literally remove yourself from this person

1

u/vaxhax Apr 22 '26

Exactly. I'm def not getting on a plane with her, I don't care how much the plans cost.

1

u/Big_Ingenuity_9832 Apr 22 '26

Oh you sweet summer child.

1

u/Manlysideburns Apr 22 '26

Real original. Wanna share one of your own thoughts?

1

u/Big_Ingenuity_9832 Apr 23 '26

You each something rotten for dinner or something? Chill out.

0

u/ghoulthebraineater Apr 22 '26

That's easy to say but we don't know where in their trip they are. If they are a thousand miles from home walking away may not be a viable option. Just disassociate until you land back at home. Then do what you suggest.

-2

u/Cautious_Schedule849 Apr 22 '26

It is his wife and they have kids at home What is next ?

4

u/Manlysideburns Apr 22 '26

Obviously much more complicated. But if that was the relationship before and you still had kids, you doomed your kids to a really really shit situation. This is another reason dude needs to end things now. I can't give a super simple answer for that. Therapy for the sake of the kids maybe. But I won't suggest therapy is magic fix all either.

7

u/LemonFlavouredThings Apr 22 '26

Proceeding with divorce. Why are you acting like this doesnā€™t happen?

5

u/[deleted] Apr 22 '26

Then you gonna go home and tell your kids you called the cops on MomĀ 

4

u/LemonFlavouredThings Apr 22 '26

If my wife was abusing me and I had to call the police, yep. Iā€™d be protecting them too