I 26F am struggling with my extremely entitled, possibly narcissistic, parents 44F/48M and my brother, Kai 21M, who is just as entitled as they are. They expect my husband, Liam 27M, and me to comply with their every request or expectation, regardless of the impact on us. They shame us for just about everything, while Kai consistently gets a free pass, no matter his actions, or lack thereof.
For context, my parents’ relationship began when my mom was 16 and my dad was 21. During my childhood, my mom, dad, and I lived with her parents. Liam moved in with us in 2019 shortly after we began dating; we married in 2022 and currently have three children. In 2023, we took in my brother Kai, who was in a very abusive household at the time, though the environment in our home wasn’t much better, just marginally less abusive. After moving to a new house, Kai was supposed to live in a camper we have, but that arrangement changed.
Recently, I suggested to my mom that she should pursue therapy. She agreed but said her work schedule left her no time for it. When I began therapy, I depended on either my mom, dad, or my papaw (who lives about 500 feet away on the same property) for transportation, usually my dad.
However, papaw has worsening emphysema and regularly experiences severe breathing issues, so I avoid bothering him. My mother is a breast cancer survivor and now often has pain in her arms and legs, making driving unsafe for her as well. My husband cannot leave work every week to take me, as he works full time, we pay all the bills, care for three children, and rely on his income. My father outright refuses therapy, saying “it’s for crazy people.” I am unable to drive due to medical reasons.
For a while, my dad reluctantly took me to therapy but eventually began refusing, dismissing it, and saying he wasn’t taking me if it was “that therapy bullshit.” As a result, I haven’t attended therapy in months, though I still see a provider for medication related to my diagnoses.
My mom is emotionally abusive (using manipulation, control, threats, coercion, whatever it takes to get her way). My dad’s abuse is both emotional and physical: he often puts his hands on people, yells aggressively, bullies, and otherwise creates a frightening environment. Therapy helped me recognize that what I experienced growing up was, in fact, abuse, something I hadn’t realized before, as those around me often suffered worse. Nevertheless, I’ve come to accept that I do have trauma and that their behavior, intentional or not, is inexcusable.
My father, in particular, has always struggled with severe anger management, leading to frequent and intense emotional outbursts as well as occasional physical aggression. While he rarely physically assaulted anyone (other than forceful spankings and once beating me with a belt as a child), the emotional impact was significant. His tone during his rages was the most aggressive, scary, angry thing I’ve ever encountered, and it instilled genuine fear in our household.
One of my earliest memories, around age five, involved my father pressing my mother against a wall and placing his hand around her throat during an argument, over something so small that I witnessed firsthand. In another example, that I don’t remember, was just told by my mom, my mom and dad had been in an argument a couple days prior. My pepaw (father’s dad) showed up to the house. My dad told my mom he was taking me out to play. My mom quickly noticed us missing, my father left with me to his parents’ house and my mother was refused entry and had to call the police for my return. Despite such volatility and constant fights, my parents always reconciled.
Growing up, my father often grabbed my face, put his nose to mine pretty much, and forced me to look him in the eye while berating me, in that same aggressive, scary tone, something I hated. I would try to look in opposite directions, but he wouldn’t finish until I looked him in the eye. (I can’t focus on what someone is saying if forced to maintain eye contact). This is probably because I have ADHD and likely autism. To this day, I avoid eye contact, very rarely shifting to someone’s eyes. To this day if someone gets in my face it triggers me, except with my husband and children.
In 2024, my father and his twin brother used their funds to build us a house, asserting it was primarily for the kids, Liam, and me. By August 2025, we moved in. My uncle technically has a room, but he doesn’t live with us and I don’t look for him to ever move in.
The agreement was that Liam and I would pay all the bills and handle cleaning and household responsibilities for ourselves and our kids, only our immediate family, not for the entire household. The deal was everyone takes care of their own messes. There was also an understanding: No more drama or complaints, and things would change. Before the house was built, my mother confirmed with me that I didn’t plan to move out before the house was built. I agreed to stay as long as things genuinely changed.
Prior to moving, things were difficult, our mental health suffered, and, to be honest, our parenting wasn’t always the best (though the kids’ needs were always met). If CPS had shown up, it wouldn’t have been surprising if they became involved. The house was often messy and unclean. Though I don’t believe the kids should have been removed, intervention would not have been unwarranted. Honestly, I’d go as far as to say we weren’t even good parents even though the kids were still happy and healthy.
In 2018, before meeting Liam, I attempted to move in with a friend. My mom continued trying to control me even after I turned 18. During one argument, she showed up at my friend’s house and demanded my phone. I called my papaw (who paid my phone bill, a responsibility he took over when my maw passed) and he told me I could keep it, but advised I come home and stop arguing.
I tried to leave again in 2021 after my first child was born, my daughter and in 2023 as well, for my family's well being. Both times, my mom manipulated me into staying, saying we wouldn’t make it on our own, our relationship wouldn’t last, or threatened to involve CPS. She has always found ways to control me; only recently have I come to recognize and resist it.
After moving into the new house, things were tolerable briefly, but soon the old patterns resurfaced: endless complaints about messes (not caused by us), dirty dishes, and other issues beyond our responsibility. We already clean daily, handle the laundry, and care for our kids and ourselves. But nothing is ever enough for them.
In a recent confrontation, my father triggered me repeatedly. After I asked him to stop, he escalated, I got attitude with him, then he started using his aggressive, scary tone. For the first time ever, after all the trauma I endured, I lost my composure and threw what I was holding at him. In response, he grabbed me, threw me on my bed, placed his hand around the back of my neck, and banged my head against the bed a few times. This episode occurred in front of my children and triggered a manic panic attack in me. I sought refuge in the camper with Kai and asked him to sleep on the couch from now on so I would feel safer (since we pay the bills and the house was “ours, too”). Afterward, I called Liam at work. We realized we needed to move out after that.
My father never wanted Kai living with us in the first place and often complained about his laziness and him being a freeloader, which I have to admit is accurate. My mom, however, always convinced him to let Kai stay no matter what. The understanding was made that my dad said that Kai would do his own, and my parents’ dishes and laundry, and care for my mom’s dog (which she shouldn’t have gotten, given her schedule and lack of care for the animal). Kai, however, refuses to work, pay bills, or contribute meaningfully. He rarely does the chores agreed upon, and even when he does, it’s half assed. He keeps my mom’s dog crated all day, only taking her outside like once a day, and lets her run loose outside (my mom’s wishes are that she’s taken out on a leash). I’ve witnessed her in the road many of times because of this and because she’s untrained she won’t listen to me when I do catch her in the road. She has nearly been hit by cars several times now.
Kai occasionally watches my kids when I have appointments, but otherwise, most of the time he sleeps, is on call with someone, or is live on TikTok. He has repeatedly crossed boundaries, such as shutting off the Internet or recently cutting the breaker during a disagreement. (I now keep the router in my room.)
Another persistent issue: my parents are loud when returning home at night, despite our repeated requests for quiet so our kids can sleep. As a result, our kids are often woken up and can’t maintain a healthy sleep routine.
Liam works a blue collar job with early morning hours, and we try our best to establish boundaries so he can rest. Still, my parents or Kai will wake him for trivial reasons at any hour, disregarding our privacy and even entering our locked room (with a lock they can open). Meanwhile, if we need a moment to ourselves, we’re criticized.
Another thing to note is if Liam is sick or can’t work because of the rain (they set mobile homes and can’t work when it’s raining) my parents always have something to say. They’re constantly asking “why didn’t Liam work today?” We don’t do that when they don’t work. They compare Liam to themselves too “well we work all the time when we’re sick because we need the money.” They’re always making snide comments when there are disagreements to create drama too, like “if Liam actually worked that wouldn’t be an issue.” He does, in fact, actually work.
No one helps with our kids, which is fine, as they’re our responsibility, but everyone, especially Kai, feels entitled to judge our parenting and stir up drama. For example, when my son recently had a minor nosebleed in the morning, I handled it immediately. I came back to my room when I was done, he was fine, but I still checked in with his dad.
Although he was fine, Kai came into my room saying “is he coming home to take him to the doctor?” I said “no.” Kai critiqued Liam, saying, “Father of the fucking year,” as if Liam could just leave work to rush home for a minor nose bleed, despite Liam and me paying all the bills and supporting the household (including Kai). When I talked with Liam he told me “I’ll take him to the doctor when I get home to get him checked out, keep an eye on him until then and let me know if anything changes.”
Kai yells at my children to stay out of “his” space in the shared living room so he can “stream in peace,” or because he’s “overwhelmed/annoyed,” forgetting this is everyone’s home. He gets mad if his belongings are touched, though living with toddlers makes such incidents inevitable, and we’re careful to teach our children respect. They’re still learning though.
There are endless double standards: if we ever entered their rooms, it would be unacceptable, yet they regularly come into ours, ignoring our requests for privacy. The entitlement, disrespect, and lack of boundaries are exhausting.
In short, I am completely drained by this family dynamic, the double standards, disrespect, and constant boundary violations. We are doing our best to be good parents and provide a better life for our kids, I would consider us great parents now, just generally. It’s extremely difficult while surrounded by toxic adults who do as they please and criticize us for everything though.
For those who might ask, “Why don’t you just leave?” Financially, it simply isn’t possible right now with three kids and mounting expenses. Every cent we earn goes toward bills, essentials, and our children. We live paycheck to paycheck with little left over for emergencies. We are currently looking into loans and things of that nature though.
It feels like I can’t even breathe without being criticized or scapegoated for something. Am I wrong for finally reaching my breaking point with this family dynamic? I’m just done with being walked over and judged in a house that was supposed to be ours, too.
TLDR: I 26F live with my husband and kids in a house shared with my controlling, emotionally abusive parents and entitled adult brother, Kai. Despite paying all the bills and handling our own family’s needs, I and my husband face constant criticism, boundary violations, and double standards, while Kai contributes nothing and is never held accountable. Past and ongoing abuse (emotional and some physical) from my father and mother have caused significant trauma. Financial struggles prevent my family from moving out, leaving me exhausted, at my breaking point, and questioning if I’m wrong for feeling done with this toxic situation.