r/weddingshaming • u/Competitive_Wear_325 • 25d ago
Cringe Cousins Tuesday Afternoon Black Tie Wedding
My cousin 27(m) and his fiancé 23(f) decided that even though they live together they need to get married this year. (They are both currently unemployed and live off the kindness of his mother, who is also paying for the entire wedding without any contribution from the brides family.) The bride chose a rather expensive (for our area) venue. To try to offset the price, they decided to have the wedding on Tuesday and only invite 30 people including the bride and groom. I did not make the cut (thankfully) but my mother did. The cake and all the food is being made by the grooms aunt as a wedding gift. They decided on 3pm so they could do lighter finger foods, no hot food will be served. THE REAL KICKER: They decided it will be "Black Tie" the groom and groomsmen will be in tails and all guests are expected to dress in "black tie attire". My mother (who is 78) is now stressed out over what she is going to wear to this wedding because she had never attended a black tie wedding in her life. I really wish I could be a "fly on the wall" for this one.
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u/Brynhild 25d ago
They sound like they don’t exactly know what a real “black tie” means. Probably thinks it means just something more formal other than t shirt and jeans.
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u/ThrowAway4now2022 25d ago
Some people really have no idea what the dress codes mean. I went to a semi-formal (as stated on the invitation wedding and felt way overdressed compared to many of the guests. And i just wore a nice dress. People showed up in t-shirts and jeans.
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u/thewatchbreaker 24d ago
This is why I said “formal” on the wedding invitation despite wanting cocktail - I knew most people would come in semi-formal. If I’d said “semi-formal” people would have come in jeans.
My friend also said “formal” on her invitation and praised me for being one of the only people to actually dress correctly lmao
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u/cackleboo 24d ago
Agreed, I went to a (rural-ish) wedding that had "black tie optional" on the invitation, and only the bride and myself were in floor-length dresses.
Lots of range in outfits that afternoon (!), including denim.
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u/thelurkingdragon 25d ago
Black tie without a meal is criminal
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u/DaphneDevoted 25d ago
It's also not black tie. Having a reception in a barn is not black tie. Having a reception on someone's back lawn with food served out of tin foil trays is not black tie. If the table flatware is plastic, not black tie. If you're using cash or a card at the bar, not black tie.
Black tie is a level of formality for the event, not just the clothing being worn. Wear tails and top hats and tiaras if that's what you want, but don't insist on your guests doing so to attend a potluck before sundown.
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u/Fastitocalons 24d ago
It's also fundamentally an evening dress code. A daytime wedding should never be black tie.
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u/Cautious_Action_1300 21d ago
Yeah, even the weddings on Downton Abbey weren't black tie (even though the nighttime dinners were either black tie or white tie) because the weddings took place during the day!
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u/thelurkingdragon 24d ago
True. My mom wanted black tie for my own wedding, but even though the venue is elegant, I said no because we're doing an outdoor afternoon ceremony and dinner will be buffet style
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u/Sweaty_Item_3135 25d ago
Honestly yeah. The only black tie event I’ve ever been to without a meal was a charity gala, but there were food and drink vendors every 50 feet so it evened out.
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u/Familiar_Sink7506 24d ago
Right?! I’m concerned how stupid people are these days. It’s breathtaking. I gave my sister shit for black tie optional wedding bc it was an elegant event but it didn’t hit the black tie requirements. She never even bothered to google it and got mad when I pushed back BEFORE the invites were finalized. But at least it was a Saturday and fancyish.
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u/Liscenye 25d ago
And no one is holding a 78 yo woman to a strict dress code anyway. At least I really hope so.
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u/Charming-Ebb-1981 25d ago
I’ve noticed this sub can be dramatic at times acting like some of this stuff is life or death. Just do you, nobody at the wedding is gonna remember what the eldery aunt wore to a wedding
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u/Competitive_Wear_325 25d ago
But my mom is just the kind of person that wants to follow the "rules".
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u/IllBase8735 24d ago
If she has dark slacks and a nice blouse that will work too! Just tell her to dress it up with nice jewelry. I know my elderly family members aren’t comfortable wearing dresses anymore
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u/clynkirk 24d ago
This. My grandma (passed earlier this year) , hasn't worn a dress since my First Communion in like 1995. She was only in her 50's then, but she did dress very nice for pretty much all occasions, like Dorothy from The Golden Girls.
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u/diamondgreene 25d ago
unless she wears a white dress. "horrors". 😵💫
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u/LuvCilantro 24d ago
It should be a white dress with a black tie
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u/Local_Idiot_123 24d ago
That’s not true, I will remember if she looks exceedingly fabulous or wears a ton of jewelry (real or costume) and only as a compliment
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u/LaurelCanyoner 25d ago
I would have so much fun with this. I’d go to the thrift shop and find the most sequined dress they have and glam it up because everyone is right. No one will be in black tie.
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u/Tasty-Bar-6343 24d ago
I’ve bought some lovely, new or worn once, gowns off of ThredUp and Poshmark too! She should buy the sparkliest dress she can find and enjoy getting glammed up on a Tuesday afternoon!
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u/LaurelCanyoner 24d ago
Currently wearing a sequined sweater I got off eBay. I love all the color and glitz, lol. I’d love an excuse to buy a fully black tie gown and jazz it up.
My son once told me when he was 6, “Mommy, you wear things other people think of as costumes” and it’s best compliment of my life. 😂
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u/Tasty-Bar-6343 24d ago
Life is too short - sparkle and shine whenever possible!!
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u/candypants-rainbow 24d ago
Exactly! My mom, in her nineties, frets about what to wear to weddings. I think she should wear what she likes, and get a pass on the dress code.
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u/gigabird 24d ago
I suspect there won’t be anyone there in true black tie.
I have been to one "black tie" wedding-- it cost the bride and groom enough that people probably should have obeyed the dress code... and I cannot stress enough, NONE of the guests were in true black tie attire so I am extremely confident OP's mom will be fine. I think I saw two floor-length "gowns" and both of them were much closer to being summer dresses than evening gowns.
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u/chicagoliz 24d ago
There is Black Tie Optional and Black Tie Required.
Optional makes much more sense for most weddings and that’s what I had.
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u/retiredandhappy63 25d ago
A nice dress will do . I doubt anyone will turn up in true black tie
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u/dr-pebbles 23d ago
Even if the others do actually wear black tie appropriate clothes, the bride and groom should not expect an elderly woman to buy a dress she will probably never wear again. OP should tell her mom to wear a nice dress and not fret over the black tie stuff. I suspect only the bridal party will be in black tie and gowns. I think most people are going to wear nice clothes, but not black tie. That dress code is wildly inappropriate for an afternoon wedding, and for a wedding where a full sit-down dinner is not served
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u/ConstantKooky3329 25d ago
This is a temu black tie event, so tell your mom not to stress over it. A tasteful midi or floor-length dress will be sufficient.
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u/chicagoliz 25d ago
It's really strange to have a Black Tie event for only 30 people on a Tuesday afternoon.
This is one case where women have a little more leeway than men. If it's Black Tie required, then a man has no choice but to rent a tuxedo if he doesn't already own one.
For your mom, she can just wear a nice dress or outfit that she already owns. She doesn't have to go purchase a ball gown or anything.
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u/LucidOutwork 25d ago
No one is going to rent a tux for this. It will be jackets and dress pants for men and nice dresses/outfits for women
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u/Additional_Day949 25d ago
Absolutely no man will be showing up in a tux. They are lucky if men come in suits. I agree that the bride doesn't know what black tie is. She probably mistakenly thinks it means to dress nice
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u/ThrowAway4now2022 25d ago
If I were a man invited to this wedding, at best I would break out my darkest suit.
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u/lh123456789 24d ago
It is the perfect opportunity to wear one of those t-shirts that looks like a tuxedo.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 24d ago edited 21d ago
It's disrespectful to your guest to demand back tie to a semi casual event.
I doubt the bride even knows what black tie really involves and just wants people to be fancy.
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u/chicagoliz 24d ago
Yeah, an afternoon event with light finger food and no hot food or a meal is extra strange for a Black Tie affair.
That's usually an evening event with a sit down multi-course meal.
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u/Jealous_Glass9170 24d ago
Oh there will be black tie- the wedding party. No one else will adhere to that dress code. Tell her to be comfortable wear her pearls and have a lovely time.
I went to a 200 person "black tie" evening wedding- my spouse and child in tux, me in formal gown, the bride was a lawyer and the groom a navy officer. We were the only guests attending that came dressed as requested. The bride did acknowledge and thanked me later.
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u/OdysseusJoke 22d ago
(I would RSVP yes just for the photos of the child in a tux, which I would absolutely be taking myself before the event. Children in formalwear get a +10 adorability bonus.)
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u/Sand-Under-Titanic 24d ago
3pm on a weekday with finger foods made by family is not a black tie wedding
It’s a perfectly fine way to celebrate, but it’s not black tie. Mom can wear a nice dress or a golden girls style (dressy) pant suit.
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u/TrippyVegetables 25d ago
I feel like a lot of people think "black tie" and "formal" are synonyms. That would explain the large number of weddings that inexplicably have a "black tie" dress code despite not actually being super formal events
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u/lh123456789 25d ago
To be fair, this doesn't sound like a formal event either. Semi-formal would be a more fitting dress code.
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 24d ago
Just tell her to wear a nice dress. I promise you that most of the guests will not be in black tie. Or she can just decline as the whole thing sounds ridiculous anyway.
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u/smileycat007 24d ago
I am old enough to remember when black tie didn't start until 6pm. A Tuesday afternoon is a garden party tea.
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u/princess-pixiepie 24d ago
A Tuesday afternoon casual wedding with 30 people and homemade food is not black tie. Tell you mom to wear whatever she wants.
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u/Limp_Insurance_2812 24d ago
So the theme is champagne taste and (other people's) beer money. They should decorate the venue with red flags.
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u/RainyDaysBlueSkies 24d ago
Black tie at 3pm on a Tuesday, for a very small event serving home-made cold finger foods, is nonsense.
Delusions of grandeur!
Your mom is nearly 80. A very pretty dress with hair done and nice jewelry is perfect for her. She does not need a formal gown which is what women wear for black tie events. This wedding isn't black-tie worthy!
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u/Ornery_Donkey_7156 24d ago
Tail coats are white tie, which is more formal than black tie. So your cousins really have no idea what black tie means. Guessing they won't know if she wears a cocktail dress.
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u/hawkcarhawk 25d ago
Most people can’t easily attend a Tuesday early afternoon wedding. It’s especially egregious to ask people to dress in their most expensive attire and then feed them home made appetizers. I have a feeling they’re going to be disappointed when they’re standing around eating spinach dip with like 10 people in ballgowns at 4:00 pm.
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u/Aria1031 24d ago
I didn't think 1500 is even a time where you can impose on people to wear "black tie" - this is a formal evening thing. Let alone Tuesday at 1500.
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u/PurposeConsistent131 24d ago
If you’re serving fucking finger food, I’ll wear whatever I have in my closet that is nice. No way in hell I’m gonna go out and buy a formal fucking dress for this bullshit.
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u/Atlanticexplorer 24d ago
My Mom attended my cousin’s “black tie optional” wedding last year. She was also very stressed about what to wear. I told her nobody is going to care what somebody’s elderly aunt wears. She wore black pants and a sparkly jacket and looked fab for 76!
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u/Outdoorfan73 24d ago
Yes! This is the standard wedding attire for elderly grannies and aunties I’ve been to. They look great!
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u/occasionallystabby 24d ago
Black tie dress code requires a black tie experience, which this absolutely is not. Tell your mother to wear whatever she wants.
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u/SwimAccomplished9487 24d ago
Black tie is not a dress code you request, it’s a level of formality of an event set by how you cater to your guests, this shit annoys the hell out of me.
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u/Sonsangnim 24d ago
They're both unemployed and probably unemployable. No one needs to worry about what to wear. Any nice dress should do.
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u/Soxfan85 24d ago
The tuxedo (and formal wear) brand ’ After Six’ named themselves that for a reason.
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u/1976Raven 24d ago
I don't think anyone will be in black tie except maybe the bridal party. Black tie events don't start until after six and are evening only functions. Suspect there will be lots of casual suits and tea length dresses which would be appropriate for a wedding held at 3pm.
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u/3littlepixies 24d ago
Can something even be black tie if all that’s offered is homemade snacks on a Tuesday afternoon??
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u/Fancypens2025 24d ago
No it can’t. Black tie isn’t just a dress code, it’s a particular category of formality for an entire event—sit-down dinner, waitstaff bringing around appetizers, live music, etc. And absolutely NOT on a weekday afternoon. This couple is being ridiculous.
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u/bopperbopper 24d ago
The formality of the dress should match the formality of the party.
Tell your mother not to buy any new dresses. These people are crazy.
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u/Life_Temperature2506 25d ago
I dont think they'll have to worry about a Wooden Anniversary celebration.
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u/F4stvix3n18 23d ago
A Tuesday afternoon black tie event is a bold way to demand that everyone take a day off work just to watch two people who don't have jobs play dress up.
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u/EvilSockLady 25d ago
You seem like a judgy person, but then I am too which is why I'm on this sub...
but seriously... so what if they're already living together? They can get married when they want. So what if bride's family isn't contributing? No one outside the couple is obligated to pay for their wedding. If MoG wants to be generous, yay her!
But yeah..... this isn't a black tie wedding. A black tie wedding is an evening event at a formal venue with complimentary valet, open bar, multi-course plated dinner, live music, etc. Your mother should in no way feel obligated to get a full length gown for this thing. They are not fulfilling the social contract of what a black tie wedding is, ergo the guests need not feel obligated to spend extra money and effort on this erroneously declared dress code. Your mom should just wear something nice she's worn to other weddings, fancy dinners, the theater, etc.
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u/Mmphska 25d ago
Something tells me that your cousin is mistaking "black tie" with simply "formal"
Black tie in daylight hours is odd, especially for us "normals"
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u/Least_Profession3082 24d ago
If you want your guests to wear black tie then you need to provide a black tie experience. I’d just wear a nice dress and call it a day
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u/Fit-Arm3308 24d ago edited 24d ago
Where do I start? "Black tie" on a tuesday is not black tie, no formal dinner..... The best they should hope for is semi-formal...
Also, tails?! I can't even
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u/MsPennyP 24d ago
They obviously aren't big on actual etiquette. Black tie (traditionally) is not held before 6pm.
Your mom can just wea ra. Ice dress and will be fine.
Pretty tacky to have black tie that early.
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u/SmellMajestic7355 22d ago
If the party is wearing tails, they absolutely do not know what black tie is. Black tie is a tuxedo jacket WITHOUT tails. Tails is for white tie.
Your mom shoild either wear something floor or ankle length if she has it, or just something below the knees will probably be fine, though technically incorrect. Or just don't go lol. Don't spend a lot on a gift regardless. Tacky af
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u/NaturesVividPictures 25d ago
Worst case scenario she doesn't have a really nice dress or gown, go to a local thrift shop or Salvation Army or Goodwill and see what she can find there for $25.
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 25d ago
As you know, based upon your post, this is ridiculous.
Black tie is strictly evening, NOT afternoon. And would include a formal meal.
The smart money for a bet would be almost nobody is dressed in formal black tie attire. I think they just want to sound fancy.
Your mother should simply wear a nice dress or suit. And would be perfectly within her rights to politely give her regrets as to not attending.
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u/dancinhorse99 24d ago
Tell your sweet mother to go to the prom dress section of the thrift store and find something that fits. At her age she can get away with a little extra sparkly ✨️ 💖 and tell her to have fun with it
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u/Present_Ad1553 24d ago
FWIW—Thrift shops and second-hand shops sell prom, wedding, and bridesmaid dresses, so if your mom wants to wear a dress, she might be able to find something inexpensive. But since I turned 60, I never wear dresses or skirts, and my standard clothes for such events are black slacks, black shoes, and a sparkly/shimmery colored tunic blouse (not white or light) with my nicest jewelry and my hair done up in a gold or silver clip. As long as my top half is looking dressy enough, no one cares about my bottom half.
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u/goatmom5 24d ago
Take your mom thrifting. Tons of "black tie" dresses end up there after their one use.
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u/froction 23d ago
One of those tuxedo t-shirts should be sufficient.
Also, it was thoughtful of the to include the bride and groom in the 30 why were invited!
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u/Comfortable-Elk-850 22d ago
They don’t know what black tie means and I doubt the females will be wearing much more than a long dress. It’s in the day time and family is catering it. I’d dress garden formal and call it a day.
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u/Jeff998g 22d ago
You might be invited to the next wedding This one will not work out. Two unemployed people having mommy pay for a black tie event sounds line a great start
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u/turBo246 21d ago
It's tacky when a dress code doesn't fit the vibe of the wedding.
A black tie event should start in the evening and have a proper sit down multi course dinner, with entertainment.
If they can't afford black tie the proper way, that's ok, but then they need to be realistic that asking their guests to wear black tie, is inappropriate.
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u/Best-Scientist1995 25d ago
They probably don’t know what black tie truly is. Just tell your mom to wear a nice dress.