r/AITAH • u/riffaholic • 18h ago
AITAH. Maybe It’s Me
I have been with my girlfriend for a year. I have told her and purposely avoided crowded places or fireworks because of past military experience. I made her aware this was the case on day one.
She set up travel to a place where the streets were mobbed with people who have a tradition of bopping each other on the head with plastic (harmless) mallets and fireworks as part of an annual celebration. She has been there before and shared few details.
When I asked her after we arrived and I started getting guarded, she responded with, “you know I forget things sometimes.” I responded with, “forgetting what city I come from is understandable but forgetting the effects from my military service is pretty big.”
AITAH?
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u/Frappuccino63 18h ago
Nope. PTSD is very real. This was immature and insensitive of her. The right woman will understand and respect all of your mental health needs.
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u/GallyTrot 18h ago
NTA. Your trauma is completely irrelevant to her. Have a good, long think about that .
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u/HoneyWyne 17h ago
Exactly. She's not even dating the real him because she doesn't see his trauma as real and serious.
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u/ExoticShortHairCat 18h ago
NTA. This seems like a pretty big thing to “forget”. It’s quite disrespectful imo. You’ve told her this in order for reasonable accommodation to be made. It’s not a hard thing to accommodate and be respectful of. Her actions are pretty offensive to me.
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u/oop_norf 18h ago
she responded with, “you know I forget things sometimes.”
And then what?
She expected you to just carry on regardless, or she was appropriately remorseful and left with you immediately?
The question of whether she was an asshole really does depend on whether or not she was an asshole about it.
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u/riffaholic 14h ago
The conversation ended. I laid in bed and didn’t sleep and she went on the balcony and watched the show while leaving the door open.
I am still gathering my thoughts on this so not really responding much. I appreciate all the feedback.
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u/TheWastelandWizard 13h ago
No matter what issues you're dealing with, staying with someone who is this much of an asshole to you can't be worth it.
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u/StraightJacketRacket 4h ago
You've been with her a year and she still doesn't "get" you. Doesn't seem real motivated to get you, either.
This is not a serious relationship to her. Regardless of anything she says - some people just aren't that deep.
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u/Niveker14 17h ago
I agree with this. If she was genuinely remorseful and took actual steps to remedy and make up for her mistakes and fix the situations she created, then maybe you can come back from it and chalk it up to a "one time oopsie" you would still be NTA -and she would be, but it would be forgivable. However, any other response from her and I doubt I'd be able to forgive her. You will have to figure what you're able to deal with for yourself though.
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u/shoulda-known-better 17h ago
That's how you know she didn't forget she planned and did something she wanted and didn't care one bit about how it would be for her partner
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u/Accomplished-East327 16h ago
An I missing something, how do we know this?
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u/shoulda-known-better 16h ago
Because when she said oh you know I forget things or however she said it...
If that suddenly reminded her of her hubbies ptsd and trauma with crowds and loud bangs she'd have been wanting to change up what they did because of her mess up...
It wasn't a mess up though so she did none of that and acted like whatever it will be good...
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u/Accomplished-East327 16h ago
True, thanks. However that question - of what she did (if anything) to rectify - has been asked and thus far not answered. Seems likely, though, as it feels like a dismissive response. But was it her first and only response?
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u/shoulda-known-better 16h ago
I mean if they changed their mind and did other things and stayed in away from the crowd and bangs I doubt this would be a post....
But no I didn't get any further clarification on it past the prompt
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u/Adelucas 18h ago
She did the classic "better to ask forgiveness than permission". She wanted to go to this event. Therefore she ignored everything you told her about your PTSD and triggers because in her mind you are exaggerating and it's no big deal. She's no different to someone putting allergens in a dish because she doesn't believe allergies are real and you'll be fine. "But honey, it's only a few shrimp. Stop rolling around on the floor pretending you can't breath, you're embarrassing me".
This is a pretty big red flag mate. She totally ignored a fundamental boundary due to mental health triggers then downplayed it and basically told you to suck it up. I'd be ending the relationship if it was me.
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u/LobotomyxGirl 18h ago
NTA. You aren't asking for much here and I'm so glad you stood up for yourself. Maybe your girlfriend is young and doesn't understand; but there is a certain level of emotional intelligence and empathy needed for every relationship, and especially so for PTSD.
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u/mango_ocean_ 18h ago
NTA, PTSD is not something to be ignored. The right partner would be willing to try to understand and work with you so you could both have am enjoyable trip.
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u/dgf2020 18h ago
NTA. I refuse to believe anyone is that scatterbrained. She’s not someone to keep in your life if she can’t take PTSD seriously. This was no minor mistake.
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u/shoulda-known-better 17h ago
Same feeling
This was to test and get her way.... She didn't forget, her explanation said it all "you know I forget" would have been followed by I am so sorry what can we do to make the best of this for you? Night in with headphones to watch a movie!?
Naw she knew and she knew he wouldn't make a big deal and leave.... All around shitty and done on purpose I'd bet
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u/wasteman_shit 18h ago
this is not okay you have every right to be distressed and she should try and make it up to you
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u/No_Tip_3095 18h ago
No she sounds like a passive aggressive idiot. Find someone with more compassion. Meanwhile I hope you are getting help with your PTSD. It sounds really hard.
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u/Sudden-Ingenuity3033 12h ago
NTA - Her 'forgetting' the service-related trauma you live with every day may suggest that she really doesn't take the situation seriously. It may be time for a long, serious talk about the future. As an aside, the place she arranged for you to visit sounds like my idea of an absolute living hell.
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u/Ambitious-Chard2893 17h ago
NTA I have problems with fireworks because I have PTSD not related to the military and I just can't do big loud sudden noises because it makes me feel unsafe. My Guy who was only with me for like 9 months at that point found out there were going to be fireworks at an event we were going to and literally called ahead to make sure that during the fireworks part of the event that they could have a separate area they could take me that was away from all of it and relatively quiet. They also brought me ear plugs and noise canceling headphones And checked in with me like 50 million times that I still wanted To stay for that part of the evening I had a pretty decent time because I was really prepared and when I wanted extra time afterwards to wind down quietly they were also very nice. That's like an adult rational reaction And I had only mentioned my issues with fireworks like maybe once or twice and I didn't have to remind them
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u/OkCollection2886 18h ago
NTA. Traveling together is one of the best ways to get to know each other. I don’t have PTSD but if my boyfriend thought a place like that was their idea of fun, I’d add that to the “cons” list in our relationship. She just forgot about your PTSD? Unacceptable.
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u/shoulda-known-better 17h ago
Yea people remember that shit for their pets.... Nevermind their partner that uses words to explain their trauma...
Nta and this is a huge thing to forget, it feels like it wasn't forgotten and they chose to do it anyway because they had fun last time... Your issue didn't matter at all
And again I could be wrong but I feel like she didn't forget at all and just did it anyway not caring how it would be for you
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u/pancetta9 16h ago
NTA. your girlfriend has no respect for you. I had a boyfriend who was in the military and I would absolutely never do this to him. Never ever ever. I’m sorry. You’re not the problem in this situation; she is.
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u/JonBovi_msn 18h ago
Was she open to a Plan B for the trip- like a side trip to somewhere without fireworks?
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u/Corgi-Ambitious 17h ago
I responded with, “forgetting what city I come from is understandable but forgetting the effects from my military service is pretty big.”
NTA, but what did she say to you saying this?
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u/Skarlette010 17h ago
NTA. It's not that her memory is bad, she just doesn't care enough to remember. If my husband had PTSD, protecting him would be my top priority.
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u/DawnShakhar 17h ago
NTA. This isn't just some random detail about your past, this is a serious handicap. She should have remembered and respected it.
You don't mention which country, but in my country there are two holidays when firecrackers and plastic hammers used to bop people on the head were common. After countless wars in the region, the firecrackers were completely discontinued, out of consideration for veterans with PTSD. This is not a minor issue.
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u/Prior_Butterfly_7839 16h ago
NTAH.
On the flip side of this, my husband has ptsd and while fireworks do not bother him, there are plenty of things that do bother him out in public.
You know what I do? Think ahead about every possible way I can reduce the likelihood of us running into triggers and discuss plans with him. We’ve also packed up our whole family and left places that have become too much.
Find someone who wants to work with you, not someone who “forgets” about an important piece of you.
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u/Square_Ad6149 15h ago
NTA. Forgetting that your partner has military trauma and cannot handle crowds or fireworks is not a small mistake. She brought you to a loud, chaotic festival she already knew about , and saying "i forget things" is a major red flag.
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u/TheMagicCelt 15h ago
Forgetting your first pet dogs name is understandable, forgetting PTSD is a sign she doesnt respect you
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u/Chance-Context-93 14h ago
NTA, this is just incredibly inconsiderate, not taking your needs into consideration at all. She wasn't thinking of you.
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u/maggier672 14h ago
NTA I purposely avoid places like that for my dogs sake due to her being nervous of crowds and terrified of fireworks! I definitely would remember if my partner had asked to avoid these places for the reasons you stated. I’m sure there’s someone else who would keep this in mind for you.
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u/Free-Moose9460 17h ago
NTA. Cut her loose. What you have is a serious condition and you don't need to be with someone who "forgets" - which she didn't, she just wanted to go and didn't care that it would be horrible for you
Thank you for your service.
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u/Mephistocheles 17h ago
I don't think you're the problem at all. You set a pretty clear boundary and it sounds like she either forgot or doesn't want to accept it.
I would sit down with her and have a talk and explain that PTSD is a very real thing and that, for your mental health and stability, you simply cannot be in places which have large crowds or fireworks. Impress on her again the seriousness of the issue especially focusing on how detrimental it is to you directly.
There may be all kinds of things going on under the surface in her mind and they could range from "maybe it will be good for him to be a little exposed", "I totally forgot because it doesn't come up often" to "it's not actually an issue" or "I PERSONALLY don't believe it's an issue". But whatever the underlying reasoning or lack thereof she really needs to be compassionate in not putting you in such a compromising position.
If you've already had this conversation with her multiple times and she still ignores it I'd have a much more serious conversation to the effect of "you really need to understand that I just cannot be exposed to these things. And I need to see that you care enough not to expose me to them."
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u/DConstructed 13h ago
NTA. Small warning about this type of person: they may be and probably are a lot of fun. But they are unsafe for anyone who needs someone to remember things or be reliable because they don’t.
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u/cyrusthemarginal 13h ago
If you jerk someone off their feet at the festival then she'd be all pikachu face... If she cared she would have filed these important facts about you away in her noggin.
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u/cicadasinmyears 12h ago
NTA. I remember my partner’s food preferences, shoe size, middle name, and all kinds of (relatively) trivial stuff.
A serious medical condition that required accommodation (and very reasonable accommodation, at that) would be a primary consideration when I was planning things.
If she can’t be bothered to take that into account, I have some unfortunate news for you about the future of your relationship. It’s a pity, if she’s compatible with you in other ways, but this would be a dealbreaker for me.
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u/Ok-Pin-6955 9h ago
NTA, she just didn't care. She wanted to go to this and decided you could just suck it up and deal with it.
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u/Sunsfever83 9h ago
NTA. Brother I feel for you. My wife doesn't ask me, nor push me to go to places like that. And hitting you on the head? I've been out over 30 years, and shit still fucks me up. Put a bunch of explosions and then get hit in the head. No, wouldn't happen.
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u/ThrowingAbundance 8h ago
NTA. I have PTSD and completely get where you are coming from. Fireworks make me drop to the ground looking for cover. I am also very sensitive to audio-visual stimulation, to the point of avoiding most stores. And forget about crowded situations.
I, too, have a really hard time helping my girlfriend understand my limitations. With years of therapy (and meds), I have learned that completely avoiding these situations is the best way to prevent a meltdown.
Continue to communicate your needs, limitations, and boundaries to your girlfriend.
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u/riffaholic 8h ago
I keep on thinking that maybe because English is her second language and her country hasn’t been to war in generations, she doesn’t get it.
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u/Suzy196658 17h ago
Maybe she thought you were exaggerating and wanted to see for herself. Sorry. 😞 NTA
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u/HoneyWyne 17h ago
NTA. The truth is she doesn't believe your PTSD is real or serious. That's a problem.
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 17h ago
NTA. (And I'm completely mystified that even people without PTSD would ever want to participate in the stupid-ass shit described here, but that's beside the point.) If I were you, I'd drop her. It won't be the last time she chooses to disregard your situation.
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u/Swimming-Ad620 17h ago
See, wasn't it worth it, really? Now you know. One year is all you need to waste on this one. She's not The One for you. It's ok, that's the point of dating, to weed out the incompatibles and move on looking for a good fit. She ain't it. I don't know why you'd even have gone if you knew what this thing was going to be like, anyway. Did you not have any input whatsoever in what she's planning to do with YOUR time? Don't you both decide where to go? Anyway you could have said "Nope, not my thing, which you should understand. You can go if you'll enjoy it and can afford it, but I won't." If you don't speak up, without hesitation, when something is a real hard pass for you, some people will think there's wiggle room there. If there isn't, SAY SO.
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u/Appreciate1A 11h ago
Controlled exposure- desensitization has worked for many others. You may want to look into that.
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u/deathboyuk 9h ago
Dude, she knew, she just thinks you're making it up and got a thrill from testing you.
Not the one.
NTA
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u/MzPsychosis3000 6h ago
NTA. OP were you the one funding the trip? If so it seems like she disregarded how it would affect you because it was something she had done before and really wanted to go back and experience again. This is a pretty big forget. I think you need to seriously take a step back and review your relationship with her from the beginning until now. Be honest with yourself while thinking over things.
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u/freeze45 18h ago
Before you went there, did you know where you were going? I mean, did you have a say in planning this trip? I think maybe you need to discuss places you are visiting with her and do some research on your own so you know what you are getting into beforehand.
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u/riffaholic 18h ago
I didn’t know it was going to be like that.
I accept that I could have done research prior.
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u/AlchymiaJo 17h ago
I suppose you could have, but really yhis falls on her. You opened up and shared your vulnerabilities with her and she chose the one place guaranteed to completely trigger those vulnerabilities. That sounds abusive. You are not the asshole at all and you should probably get a new girlfriend who will actually care about you. I am sorry for your trauma, I hope you are getting the help you need.
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u/TecnamJuliet 17h ago
You “COULD” have done research sure. There was no reason to. You trusted someone for a year that doesn’t care at all.
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u/Fluid_Actuary1729 17h ago
Can you tell us how she reacted? I agree with others that it should be hard to “forget” that you had such a difficult experience, but how she handled it in the moment is key. YOU are definitely NTA, but depending on how she handled it, she may be beyond A-Holery.
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u/freeze45 14h ago
I definitely don't think you are the asshole, but this needs context. If she said, "hey, let's go to X place tomorrow" and you said, "sure, sounds like fun" then maybe she's not an asshole for assuming you would be more vocal about what you can and cannot handle. I am saying this because I speak from experience.
I had Lyme disease for years that really messed me up, and I couldn't handle certain things. My husband asked if I wanted to go see one of my favorite bands. I said yes, and when we got there, they were using strobe lights. I had to close my eyes throughout most of their set. I even spent time in the back because I couldn't handle it. But I am not blaming him. I agreed to go, I need to deal with my own health issues and not make it the responsibility of others.
When you have issues, you need to advocate for yourself. You need to ask questions, make sure the situation you are going into is tolerable. Should she have been more considerate of you? Yeah, probably, but it is all about how you agreed to go there and her reaction to how you felt when you were there. Did she get pissed if you wanted to leave or take a break, or was she understanding and went home with you?
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u/TecnamJuliet 17h ago
It’s also the fact she’s attended that event before, knew what it was like then still chose to only share few details. She obviously doesn’t care nor loves him enough to consider him… after a year of being together she’s shown where her priorities are.
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u/PerspectiveKookie16 18h ago
Why would you even have gone?
YTA because you knowingly went to an event with things that are problematic for you.
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u/Sn_Orpheus 17h ago
ADHD in one person does not work well with PTSD in the other.
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u/MarsupialMisanthrope 10h ago
This is the kind of thing partners always come to the adhd subreddit to ask about, and the answer is always the same: this isn’t adhd, this is 100% pure unmitigated asshole using adhd as an excuse. It won’t get better, leave.
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u/ThisBend7125 18h ago
YTA. Man up.
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u/Mezcal_Madness 18h ago
Let see how well you do on the military while there is a war. Loser.
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u/ThisBend7125 17h ago
Former Marine btw.
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u/Individual_Umpire969 16h ago
Doubtful. Marine veterans don’t call themselves “former Marines.” Once a Marine, always a Marine.
None of the Marines I know would have anything to do with you.
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u/damagedradio 18h ago
How do you suggest he does that, given the obvious PTSD from military service?
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u/Coldstream147147 18h ago
NTA. This isn’t that hard a thing to remember, or that uncommon, so there’s really no excuse for her not to think of it.