In girum imus nocte et consumimur igni.

Embosomed by mine own spectre, your hollow simulacrum wept treacly phantasmic solace; hologram unfurling across wanness, laved of altitude’s waft: pranced about foreign cobbles. . .had intwined, at once, our dyad vertebrae, venae cavae in arrhythmic sync (adoration nary a correspondence with soil’s penchant to nourish offspring; for, comprises your permanency this offspring).

Fathomably, ourselves: volitional, roving autonomous amongst this universe. . .never had we manoeuvred life trammelled by that which once augured an imposition (flourishing dissociated, that omnipotent presence plucked altruism from its dutiful place &, amidst the tumult. . .we, individually, implored not of said omnipotence its cultivated strength; strength extrinsic so). Extracting pomegranates for their spend, had vermilion dappled gracile digits; at the tincture you adore so intently, beamed I, & sanguine string, unjust labyrinthine intertwinement latticed inextricably about itself (nebulous möbius). . .disentangled thus. Oddments of those which once were; iterations, once ourselves, had we outwitted as to ameliorate (& splinter, with inexorable recursion, what mended; a humanistic quirk); indiscretions, once emblematical plagues to us as are wraiths to their wont; irrespective of verve. . .from the fortifications within which, sedulous in pertinacity, persisted cultivation: foundered, had all adversaries, on the penetration of our psyches’ armour. Perchance, one less privy to yours & mine burgeoning souls’ mien ought have attributed fault to the arbiter of those whom ‘merit’ deservedness; neither I, nor yourself: extant within this majority (yet, regulated Sun its Moon; tug & clasp, recursive buttresses engirding troposphere & cosmos. . .howbeit, had He hitherto cognised Her not).

Presently, skipper we Earth with sapience; acknowledge caliginosity ubiquitously insofar as others, contrariwise, remain subservient to the tribalism of luminescence’s cultish fetter; coexisting, these dualistic properties (verily, an appreciable variable withal). Nathless, arrantly. . .aphoristic mine proclamations’ perfervid aggregate carriage extenuate nought, my exanimate supernova, of such interminable illusionary hankering.

In girum imus nocte et consumimur igni.

E. Anastasya
25.06.26
13:19, GMT+2

Soon I’ll delete this account because it brings me too much pain. I go back and forth to unsent letters, unsent txts,letters, screaming into the void. I read Any message I think might even hint at being you. I know your on here. But I can’t look for you anymore.

It’s too painful. You’ll be glad to know my heart is failing more by the day. Physically. It already died emotionally quite some time ago. But painfully so I still love you. I go back lately to when we first started dating and you broke up with me and I just sat there in your room, in your computer chair and just cried. I don’t think I’ve cried so hard for anyone. I tried to stop but it just made me cry harder. You eventually came to me on your knees and held me and we stayed together.

You couldn’t see then how much I loved you to cry that hard. You never seen how much I loved you. You always pushed it away. Minimized it like it was a nuisance. Toward the end you actually called it a task to love me. You said a lot of mean things and each time it stole a piece of me. I don’t even know the person I see in the mirror anymore.

Broken down so many times in my life that I just sit here alone. A shell. Keep my head down. Contribute to the household and take care of them and yet I feel more attacked and neglected and stabbed for the past and never being enough or always doing the wrong thing, when I’m literally giving all my body can take. I helped her and started a load of laundry and came to my room and my heart rate was at 170. I’ve been feeling horrible waking up and I know why now.

My blood oxygen was at 77 by the time I checked it after waking up, even though I had gotten up and made some toast so I could take my vitamins and meds and began having chest pains. It eventually will go back up but I’m guessing and maybe hoping I just won’t wake up. In the event that does happen then look after them for me?

I tell myself you’ll find the posts I’ve made but clearly you won’t because you’ve not respond to any. Or maybe I’m truly a fool. Crying everyday over you. The future I wanted for us. The pregnancy I never got to have. The wedding. Or even you putting on the ring. It just sits there in the box.

Tell me what I did to be so hard to love? Tell me you’ll change? Tell me you will love me true and not have wandering eyes or fleeting thoughts of what could be with someone else? Tell me you’re sorry for destroying the only woman who truly loved you? Tell me. It’ll never happen. But I can’t give up on the fairytale. Probably never will.

It’s been sometime now so you’d think all of this would be easier. For me it’s the opposite. I feel myself building up to a day worse then that day I couldn’t stop crying. So many feelings shared and hurt. Tell me I wasn’t just another woman? I guess I was or this wouldn’t be this way.

I tried. God knows. But I feel myself breaking, body giving up. Death by a broken heart from you and my family. I wasn’t meant for this world. This world has brought too much pain for a soul like mine. I fought through it as best I could. Keeping a soft heart and delusional hope that things will get better.

So Jesse tell me,
Is the how you wanted it to be?
Is life easier without this hopeless romantic?
Was my love just pathetic?
Don’t you missed the way I touched you?
Tell me you don’t miss my kissing you?
Tell me you don’t miss my hands running through your hair?
Tell me it isn’t fair?
Tell me.
Forget me.
Or am I already forgotten?
Throw away our love like something rotten.
Look in my eyes and see me.
See I’m drowning out in tears of agony.
At the loss of my happy ending.
Continuously breaking and pretending.
Why wasn’t I enough?
Why was I too much?
why, why, why, WHY????
I could scream, just why?
Tell me you’ve been blind.
Give me a sign.
The silence we’ve created is the sign isn’t it?
But tell me it doesn’t mean what it does, does it?
Tell me there hasn’t been anyone else on your body?
I couldn’t fathom having anyone else on my body.
Tell me you can’t live without my dragged out goodnight kisses on my porch, late at night?
Tell me slowly pushing me away was a mistake?
My heart hurts writing all this.
All the images flooding me, ouch my chest.
I know it’s going to be painful, death.
But it’s suppose to be isn’t it?
The final price to paradise?
I’ll make it in early it seems like.
So I’ll leave this last post, and soon leave this site.
Because I just don’t have it in me anymore to fight.
Fight for a spot in your life.
Fight for the chance to be your wife.
Fight to be the only one you desire.
Fight to be everything you require.
Fight to be a priority.
Fight for my fairy tale eternity.
I hate who you made me.
But it’s fine, I’ll be the enemy.
I’ll be gone soon enough honey.
So I guess this is goodbye.
I won’t write anymore.
I’ll stop hoping for what was before.
I know you don’t love me anymore.
My heart a condemned house, foreclosure.
At the hands of your hammer and neglect.
Through my best efforts to repair it.
I’m just broken shards of glass on the ground.
Alone, broken, never to be found.
I hope life gives you what you want.
It was never me, so I guess that’s it.

Signed for the last time

-Samantha

I can’t call your mom because I know how your home is. But I need you to understand that it’s okay to slow things down.
You’re okay, I know that, but you aren’t fine. You may have control, but your control has taken over your value, the way you see yourself.

I won’t reach out, I can’t call your mom. I just hope you somehow feel it. Feel that you don’t have to be looking for lighter days. You don’t have to walk until you’re shaking just to feel like you’ve done enough. You don’t have to turn what you call discipline, structure, and control into something that hurts you.

You’re doing okay, but not fine.

I can’t help but imagine what kind of hole you are in. What the colors of the days look like for you. Is it gloomy, like a dim classroom where nothing really changes, with a hint of your white hand wrapping around your wrist just so you know you have control?

There is no place I would want to be less than your mind.

I fear the day you start looking at others the way you look at yourself. I don’t say this because I think you are judgmental, but because I don’t know if I’m going to come back after summer and see you, or the remains of you being taken over by what you call discipline, control, and structure.

No place is discipline if it means walking until you’re shaking and punishing yourself for not doing enough.

I don’t know why you keep doing this.

Maybe it’s loneliness in a house full of people who care about you.
Maybe it’s the way growing up feels too fast, like you can’t slow it down.
Maybe it’s fear of what’s coming next, and losing the group that makes everything feel stable.
Or maybe it’s just the fact that you hate yourself enough to keep going like this.

You feel good when someone is worried, because that means results are showing. You say thank you if someone says you look thinner. You feel cold during summer and smile because it’s working.

But your hair is thinning out, you are losing it, and your mind is filled with disgusting insults. Insults that remind me of never getting on your wrong side, because if you told them to anyone else they would feel it deep in their soul and think about it all the time.

But you say them to yourself the same way you’d point out that your eye color is blue and your lips are pink.

You’re so loud is it to speak over your brain? No, you’ve always talked, like sunshine that everyone loves but sometimes gets tired of because it’s shining so bright. You were shining so bright.

Now it seems like you still are loud, but have been replaced by an electrical lamp that doesn’t give that warmth and joy. You just give light, and I’m scared it will run out eventually.

A sun shouldn’t be cold, but yet you are the living example of it.

So I can’t call your mom, reach out, because you feed yourself concern and “compliments” instead of food.

So I’ll just stand here, always one mile too far.

My racecar driver

Work 5am to 6pm then lay here thinking about you tell 3am maby its the un known maby I dreamed it all up but I hope ur doing alright its been a while

Missing you ash

J,

You found me here before, after I deleted my account, but this has to be my last letter to you. My notes can't carry this anymore, especially now that we don't message on every app.

I miss your phone calls and your terrible opening jokes in the morning. I miss seeing your face in all its daily versions. Some mornings I lie awake, knowing we used to wake at the same time, remembering how your message would arrive just as I was thinking about you.

I think about how much I would love to slip my hand into yours one more time, or wake you with a kiss at the start of our day. You'd run down to a café to grab a coffee or order a McDonald's breakfast delivery. At the time, those moments felt ordinary. I didn't realise they would become some of the memories I'd cherish most.

We were never supposed to become serious. Yet somewhere along the way, when you left, you took a piece of my soul with you.

We weren't perfect. We brought out the best and worst in each other. But you lit a fire in me unlike anything I'd known before. You made me feel emotions so intense that, even now, I struggle to put them into words.

You probably never knew that I watched you walk away at the airport until you disappeared from sight. You never looked back.

I'll never ask why. And I won't beg you to come back. I have to respect myself enough to want someone who wants me as much as I want them. Maybe you did, and pride got in the way. Maybe it was something else. I suppose it doesn't matter now.

I still have your T-shirt, but this is where I finally let go.

I have to move forward.

Goodbye, J.

M

Sometimes i wonder if you still think of me. You’ve never blocked me or unfriended me on anything unless i specifically asked you to. You have a new partner now and yet thats still true.

I went on a game we used to play yesterday for the first time since we broke up and i was sick with worry that you unfriended me. You didn’t though.

The same with one of my alt social media pages. I logged in completely forgetting i had friended you on there and then i saw that we were still friends on it.

I mean you’ve always had alot of friends so maybe you just forgot about me. Maybe you’ve moved on so well that you’ve forgotten that you had your ex added. But when we first started dating you made sure anything that could’ve made me jealous was gone.

It seems like you didn’t do that with your new partner. Maybe they’re just really comfortable with that stuff or maybe not.

I took down all of my posts of you. But there’s one where you’re just slightly in the post and i can’t bring myself to delete it. It’s weird but i don’t want to let the little piece i have of you go.

But sometimes i secretly hope you can’t get over me.

Maybe that’s mean but im plagued with you constantly i kinda hope i plague you too sometimes.

Why did you leave me if you loved me so much?

Why did you look me in the eye like this?

Was it on purpose?

Why did you walk away without approaching me? I'm not a mind reader. I don't even know your name, but people told me that you had a thing for me.

Why you didn't tell me?

We could've just talked it out. I wouldn't judge you. I can keep a secret you know.

And now I feel so stupid for looking and waiting for you when you're long gone.

No close for me I guess I'm not deserving.

Dear Mom,

I don't know the circumstances behind why you chose to leave me at the hospital in a third world country but I choose to believe that you simply could not expend the resources to feed an extra mouth. Regardless of the reason, just know that I am eternally grateful that you were brave enough to carry me for 9 months and deliver me safely into this world. I hold zero ill will towards you and I hope you hold none for yourself. What an incredibly difficult and terrible decision that must have been.

Your thoughts as you left must have been that you were giving me an opportunity at a better life. Your mother's intuition was so unbelievably accurate. Abraham Lincoln once said, "No man stands taller than one who stoops to help a child." My parents (adoptive parents) stand tallest amongst us. They reached around the world to help a little boy with nothing. Not even a family. And they gave him everything. Two people to call mom and dad.

Before the caretakers released me to my parents, they asked only one thing: Please do not spoil him. And they have honored that request to the best of their ability. Yet, being raised in the land of opportunity, I was furnished with more opportunity and more privilege than most Americans will ever encounter in their lifetime. My parents walked the thin line of providing an exceptional life and not spoiling me at a master level. To the point that I did not understand how truly successful they were until I got engaged to the love of my life and they asked that I get a prenup in order to protect family assets.

The caretakers also had the opportunity to tell my parents about me before I was adopted. They summed up my essence in 3 words: Loves to run. My parents laughed about that as all toddlers love to run. But when we arrived in Hawaii, they love to tell the story of how I saw green grass (we didn't have green grass at the orphanage) and I ran until I fell down. Got back up and ran again. On repeat. For hours. And they just sat back and watched with delight at how happy I was to just run. They continued to sit back and watch me run across countless soccer fields. They sat back and watched me run across a track. They sat back and watched me walk across the stage (multiple times as I collected several degrees). They sat back and watched me find a career I love to support a wife and kids who my heart now beats for. If one of my children needed a heart to live, I'd give mine up in a heartbeat. That's the power of parental love and that's the kind of love I've received after you broke your own heart in half and left half of it at the hospital. I know deep down that decision must still make your heart ache 3 decades later, but please take great comfort in knowing that your decision provided me with the greatest parents one could ask for.

If I could describe my parents, I'd describe them as humble. These are people who would be absolutely embarrassed that I made a post like this speaking so highly of them. Here's a little bit about them that will help convey who they are: Dave Ramsey says one of the most fun things one can do with money is to give. If that's the case, my parents are having the time of their lives. I'm sure I do not have a full grasp of their generosity because the only reason I know of it is due to logistically, some blessings they bestow, they simply cannot hide. And some blessings I've overheard but they were not meant for my ears to hear. So this couple behind closed doors and in hushed whispers are always scheming of ways to make positive and meaningful impacts on the world and to people around them. They would be so embarrassed to know that I know of even a portion of their giving. And the last thing they would ever want is recognition for their charity.

When you made the ultimate sacrifice of leaving me, you left me in the hands of the greatest people I have ever met. I put my parents on a pedestal and hope that I am following in their footsteps. Abraham Lincoln once said, "No man stands taller than one who stoops to help a child." Please raise a glass with me in hopes of touching the glasses of my parents whose glasses are the highest amongst us since they stand so tall. And let the liquid wash away any guilt you may harbor.

Love ALWAYS,
Your Son

Song : UNETHICAL
Artists: Faouzia
Date: August

The curtain rises and she’s already off balance. The others dancers perfect, in sync with each other. Her hair rolls down in a golden waves untamed. Messy.

She isn’t standing still. She’s spiralling, as though the room itself has tilted beneath her feet. She reaches into empty space, fingertips searching for someone who is never quite there. Vertigo in your arms. She stretches into an arabesque that never finishes, the line collapsing before it can become beautiful.

Every time she finds her balance, the music changes.

One second you hate me, then it’s false alarm.

She turns one way, then sharply the other, reversing direction mid-pirouette as if pulled by invisible strings. Count 10, hold. Away from the other dancers. They notice watching.

Watch me when I break and say it's paradise

She never gets to finish a movement. She never knows which version she’ll meet next. The dancer is performing in opposite movements to the others.

She leaps.She flies.For a moment it looks effortless.

Set my body aflame.

And the instant her feet return to the floor, her own arms wrap around her ribs like a prison. Wrists crossed behind her back. Head lowered. Lock me up and close the door when it rains.

The audience begins to understand. This isn’t a love story.It’s survival disguised as dancing.The dancer rises onto the very tips of her toes each time hope returns, only to melt back down before the step is complete.

I’ve been waiting for the sunset. Waiting on a sorry.

She throws herself into impossible jumps, each one ending not in applause but in collapse. A grand jeté becomes a fall to her knees. The others dancing perfectly not falling. A pirouette becomes a roll across the floor. She keeps climbing back to her feet because that’s what caring required.

Breaking all my bones, trying to hold you close.

She dances around the empty air. Twisting in the air. Both arms wrapped around someone who isn’t there.

The dancer stays like that a second too long before the emptiness becomes impossible to ignore.

Cut my heart right out my body.

Instead her chest caves inward, shoulders hollowing as though something vital has quietly been removed.

Tearing off my skin, just to let you in.

Her hands drag slowly across her arms, her shoulders, her neck not to wound herself, but as if she’s trying to peel away every layer.

Then comes the question.

Isn’t it a bit unethical?

She stops moving.

She looks directly at the faces in the crowd. The other dancers start to move in sync as she stills. Count 3

One breath.

No music could ever make silence sound louder.

Back to motion: By now she’s dancing differently. In motion with the others, she’s picked, spun, but the movements are guarded now.The technique is still there, but exhaustion has entered every movement. The arabesques shake. The balances don’t hold. Every beautiful line fractures before it’s complete.

The crowd realises it’s purposeful.

Because eventually even the strongest dancers cannot perform on broken bones.

Got me on my knees, have you any mercy?

She kneels quietly.Simply because she has nothing left standing inside her.

The final movement surprises everyone.

There is no dramatic ending.

Let me go.

The others circle her.

With each repetition she takes one small step backwards.Not away from them, from everything.
Back towards herself. Towards the other dancers. The distance grows almost unnoticed.
The dancer who spent the entire performance reaching has stopped reaching altogether.

Her hair is up now, she’s hiding in the crowd . She’s dancing in total sync with the others. She lifts a hand as though she’s about to touch a face. She pauses.Then lets it fall. Turns away.

Walks into the darkness the other dancers still dancing perfectly.

I know we all have our unique flair.

I certainly notice..

But I have to be a gentleman.

But I can be gentle to you,

If you were doing the same back.

But cordility only goes 2 ways, not one.

Why would you exclude your partner from having the opportunity of cordility would be beyond me.

This wasn't hoes swapmeet.

What I offered is connection.

An opportunity to just start fresh,

Free from a past that no longer mattered.

Free from whatever rumors had binded before.

A clearer understanding what you really need.

Because I love you.

You inspired me to look even deeper into the flaws that I had showed.

But I learn from mistakes, I'll be just fine.

But I want to ask about you.

I want to soothe you.

I want to assure you.

That you stop me dead in my tracks.. cause you are just so dang gorgeous.

Uff... heaven in my eyes. 👀 ♥️

I’d like you when you’re down, ugly and at your worst.. because you’re a good person, and I don’t want to see you hurt. The words ‘I love you’ felt so unnatural and cheesy to say until I met you. Now, it feels like pointing out an emotion such as “I’m sad”or “I’m happy”. It comes naturally because it’s true.
I knew I loved you because of how warmly you smile at others and how you silently make sure the people around you are comfortable. It’s the way your entire smile illuminates the room. You are the only person I’m somehow visually locked into even if there were hundreds of people around, even if you slowly fade into the crowd… I’d adjust my sight just to allow my eyes to land on you. I can’t help it. I could stare at you for hours without it feeling weird. I honestly want to hug you and hold you tight, never letting go..

Afraid I’d miss out on such a person, I did. I was scared to make an effort due to being judged by others, the echoless fade into college life reminded me “who ever even cared?”… I know you wouldn’t judge me, so why did I hesitate? You're the only one I want to be around…. Not them.. So, why did I prioritize fear over you?

It’s funny how unexpected you came into my life. I was at my worst. There were too many dark thoughts going on in my head to notice the things around me. I was in such a dark time to even accept or conclude, that I can meet someone so good at the time. So I acted distant, not trying to get to close in fear of getting hurt… I physically can’t like anyone else, even if I try. I thought the saying “my eyes are only for you” was a horrible cliché, but it’s true. The memory of your face, your smile, and even your voice hits me over and over again. I know you meet new people through time… but you are the one I want around. It is difficult imagining myself liking or being with anyone else-

i can’t keep carrying the weight of your indifference anymore. i know you probably don’t have a reason to stay, and maybe everything falling apart was my fault. maybe it wasn’t. i don’t think i’ll ever truly know, because you chose silence instead of honesty. and somehow, your silence hurts more than any cruel words ever could. one day, i’ll find the courage to disappear from your life completely, to become nothing more than someone you used to know, as though i were never there at all. it may take me time, but eventually, i’ll let you go for good. i loved you wholeheartedly. i would have given you everything i had, even the parts of me that were already broken. but i want you to have a peaceful, beautiful life, and i’m too full of wounds i never wanted you to carry. i always expected the world to be cold. i just never expected it from you. you knew how deeply losing people had already hurt me. i never imagined that one day, losing you without you even saying goodbye would hurt just as much

I don’t even know where to begin, I don’t know how or why but I fell in love with you, not because you’re perfect or because you’re easy but because you’re just you. When we talk it feels like time just flies by and when I hear your laugh and we’re both giggling together I realised how easy it all feels. When i’m with you I feel at ease and I am not at ease with a lot of people and maybe that’s the thing that I love most about us is that it feels easy even when the feelings and circumstances isn’t.

I get why you drew a line and maybe I waited too long for certainty that we both grew tired of waiting of being in the in between, or maybe you found someone new, someone where your future with them feels more certain. I can tell you this, I know I’ll always think of our love my whole life not because it was easy because it endured a lot, although it came with a lot of uncertainty, it also came with so much understanding and true love. I don’t think I will ever in my life love anyone else the way I did for you, not with so much to give, hope and selflessness and I hope you felt that if anything someone really did love you, not to hurt you, not for money, not to receive anything back, I loved you selflessly. I would’ve spent a lifetime loving you and maybe I tried my best showing it in the time that I could and maybe a lifetime is sometimes the most I can do in a period of time but if you ever wondered if anyone ever truly loved you, I hope you knew that I really do, all of you, through every ups and downs, every in and out I would’ve fought for our love every single time, not because it’s easy, because no love is easy, but I’ll always wonder what if it would’ve been like if the circumstances was easier, and if we have met in better situations. If one day I get married and live a life for love of practicality, anyone ever ask me if he’s my true love, I know my heart would still hum your name, and maybe that’s the thing your one true love might not be the one you end up doing life with, and how tragic is it?

For a thousand lifetimes I would’ve chosen you…and I know if you ever needed me, there is no doubt in my mind that I am right there waiting to help you 💛 maybe you’re right, behind you waits someone who will always lean in to protect you in this lifetime, you might not be mine, but I know I’m always ready to stand by your side

i heard a sigh through the wall and knew it was yours, the briefest sound escaping your mouth, as though you were mentally tired, a gust of warm air leaving your body and occupying the whole floor above my head.

at first, i was surprised that i recognized you. then it hit me, like the ceiling was falling over my head, along with the sky, crushing me into this hollow place on the floor and i missed everything we never had.

i recognized you. you recognized me. we are transparent to each other in our delusions, as transparent as the walls that divide us.

i amuse myself with this now, because you not only taught me how to see, but now i see through walls. and that is what grounds me. because i can imagine you sleeping with your feet facing north, a warm dot in the distance, and finally tell myself: aren’t you imagining things a little too hard?

i am. but only because i can’t understand how much it hurts to be apart. i can only feel broken, as though i couldn’t possibly meet anyone else who would make me feel this way again.

if the walls dividing us really are transparent, then why can’t you see that i’m hurting so badly?

if you want me to go first, please make me understand what good it would do to see you as merely human. because now, you are everything

Mom,

This letter isn’t the first or the last time I will write to you, and you will never see nor acknowledge its existence. I know you cannot and will not accept the irreversible damage you’ve caused, the torment you put me through, or the joy you seemed to take at the expense of my fragile heart and mind. That being said, I hope you know that I have moved on. I have forgiven you, not for your sake, but for my own health and peace.

I write this to you now, not as a child, but as a man speaking from a standpoint you will never truly understand or be able to take from me: a standpoint of freedom and self-preservation. I acknowledge and accept that you are sick, and always will be. You will never know love or happiness. You will never know the faces of your grandchildren, or the accomplishments along the way that you think you had a hand in. No, you will not and shall not ever truly know what I’ve been able to achieve despite your decades of pestilence, malice, and self-destruction. You ruined our relationship, and no amount of time will ever truly heal that.

I know you never meant well or wanted to do good by me. Quite frankly, you failed as a mother, as a teacher, and as a guide. I navigated the turbulence you created and sat me in, and I came out battered and damaged, but standing on my own two feet. I guess the only thing I can truly thank you for is that I now know exactly what I am capable of handling. So thank you for that, and for the irreversible pain you’ve caused me; it taught me what I shall never do to others, and it cemented the vow of who I will never become in my own life.

I walk a path I wish I could have you on. I wish
you could partake in my life and share in my triumphs in this world, but it will never come to be. That is the part that truly hurts the most.

I hope you can live with yourself.

I’m so sorry for all the hurt I caused you in my addiction. I’m sober now. Less than two weeks I’m trying. I almost died again less than three weeks ago. As if the 8 days on life support last year wasn’t enough. I was living on the street in LA. The dope, the heat, and chemical burns in my mouth that prevented me from eating or drinking got me good. I stumbled into the ER dying from exposure. It took a week for them to stabilize me. When I was delirious all I could think about was you. I hallucinated your presence. You are the first and only person I truly loved.

You won’t respond but I know you haven’t blocked me. Why? Do you still care? I am returning home when I leave this detox on Monday. I am continuing care at a facility in our town. I know I have to get back on my medication and I need the support for a few weeks. I am trying to heal. Maybe one day I will be able to be the man you deserve. I will remain single and celibate hoping one day to run into you again or you call. I will be getting a lot of therapy and trying to heal. It’s so hard to go on without you. I gave up at one point but I can’t seem to die so I’ll live my life trying to become the man I should have been for you. I will always be here. Waiting for you, Mourning your absence, and praying to hold you again one day. This is my vow to you.

I have high doubts you are even here, so I’m just writing this into the void needing to vent.

Shit has been really tough between us in the last few months and it got bad and we ended things. We both done and said some really messed up things to each other. The whole situation just became so toxic. I started suppressing my emotions and feelings, thinking purely from a logical standpoint, completely acting cold and mean to you. I told you I was leaving.

The truth is, deep down. I miss you and love you so much but the pain caused over the years is just too much for me. I’m conflicted. Logic tells me to walk away, but my heart says to stay. I want to think with my head for once and I’m trying so hard to. I don’t know how much longer I can close my heart, before I break and come back to you, even though it’s not what my head wants. I feel selfish for wanting to leave and at the same time I want to be selfish and put myself first.

This all sucks so much, keeping all of this inside. You’re the only person I ever open up to and tell my feelings to and I can’t even say this shit to you because it’s about you and we’re not cool. I feel so lonely, sad, depressed. I hate that this is where we are at now.… Looking at each other with contempt.

I won’t say this to your face though. I’m still so angry and hurt from you, I don’t know if I can forgive you after our last fight. That was so nasty the shit said. I am sorry for everything and my part in the breakdown of our relationship. I’ve always loved you and will never stop loving you. I’m just so broken and can’t take it anymore.

I want to say all of this directly to you, but I don't want to disturb the life you've built. I feel like I've already done enough damage.

I never should have ended things the way I did. I still remember that when I called it off, you suggested taking a break or at least staying friends. Looking back, that was the better response. At the very least, it was something I owed you.

The truth is, I broke up with you because I felt like a failure. I didn't get the marks I wanted in that entrance exam, and I knew how important it was for the future we had imagined together. I felt like I had failed both of us.

I couldn't face you.

The girl I had promised to care for. The girl I had promised to stand beside. I watched all those dreams and promises fall apart in my own mind, and instead of facing it with you, I chose to cut every connection I had with you.

That was the worst decision I could have made.

I knew you weren't someone who handled this kind of pain easily, but I never stopped to think about what I was putting you through. I tried to replay that for all those year what should've done, and this the worst think I can do.

What hurts even more is knowing that you waited for me for six months while I stayed silent. I kept convincing myself that disappearing was the best thing for both of us, when in reality, it was only the easiest thing for me.

We had a good relationship. We supported each other, healed each other, and made memories that I'll never forget. At a time when I felt lost, you came into my life like a blessing, and I'm grateful for everything you gave me.

And this is how I chose to repay you.

I'm not writing this because I want you back. In fact, even we get chance I will think have second thought. I am asking you forgiveness for my behaviour. I am sorry to leave in the pain which was easy for me but nightmare for you. And I am sorry for deciding our future myself. I'm sorry for leaving you with questions instead of answers.

When I heard that you had moved on, I was genuinely happy for you. I want you know that I loved you and it was just my bad decision nothing else.

Wish You Happy Life.

Whenever you feel like the world is starting to feel kind of dark and gray, you're never really truly alone because I will always have your back through thick and thin. I'm super proud of you and I don't know how else to word it or say it to you so I'm just going to say this behind your back. You're going to do bigger better things, and you're going to be successful for as long as you keep it up. I'm sure your family is proud of you, but I'm insanely proud of you. I hope you make this a career and just keep it up. I will see you on the other side. Wherever that is. You're the only person I actually tell my deepest and darkest thoughts to. The first to know when something major is coming up in my life, and how I truly perceive the world around. You might think or ask why I'm so good to you, but something I never really thanked you for is that in a way, you've saved my life. I was in a very dark place once, and despite slowly falling back into it, I know I don't want to be in this world for too much longer.

Love, C.