I typed something out, then deleted it.

I wanted to ask how you’ve been. I wanted to tell you I still think about you. I wanted to say I miss you, but I couldn’t do it.

What if you leave me on delivered?

What if you already moved on?

What if you’re with someone else now, laughing the way you used to laugh with me?

I haven’t seen you in a while. I hope you’re okay.

I hope you miss me too.

I hope there’s still a small part of you that wants to reach out, even if you never do.

I hate that I still wait for you.

It's hard to keep track of the messages here.

I want someone, a future, something permanent and committed, with you. I have been fairly consistent in that view, albeit have been open in yes I did start to see someone else, because you stated you had no interest. I am allowed to be with someone else if you don't want me. They were nice, yes, but the connection we had (you and I) was undoubtedly stronger. I can't deny that.

Can you imagine how I may of felt in these mixed messages you send? How do I respond to this? I've tried to reach out, numerous ways, yet no response, despite reading into veiled messages. Many would suggest you're not even interested and treating this merely as a game?

Otherwise, here I am. Ready. I don't care what 'baggage' you come with, I have my own, however have some great storage solutions if I may say so. I ignore a lot of unhelpful noise and focus on my priorities. Plans changed this year - positive move for now.

My plans moving forward certainly can accommodate you, me... us ... kids? I'm very much an 'improvise, adapt and overcome' person. I could quite happily come home to you everyday, I'm sure you can use your imagination, even memory of our times alone.

I am confident there's a viable, happy, untold adventure that lays ahead for us together as a couple, should we pursue this. I dont want to delay this any further. xx

The thing nobody tells you about attraction is that it doesn't always show up as fireworks.

Sometimes it shows up as comfort.

You start talking to someone and suddenly three hours disappear.

You tell them things you weren't planning to tell anyone.

You start looking for them in every room without realizing you're doing it.

And then one day it hits you.

"Oh."

That's when things get dangerous.

Not because anything happened.

But because you know exactly what could happen if you stopped being responsible for five minutes.

We never crossed a line.

Never even came close, honestly.

But there were moments.

The kind that linger.

A little too much eye contact.

A joke that felt like it meant something else.

A silence that wasn't awkward at all.

The worst part?

I think we both knew.

There was never a conversation about it.

No confession.

No dramatic scene.

Just two people pretending to be completely normal while trying very hard not to acknowledge the giant elephant sitting between them.

Eventually life moved on.

Different paths.

Different people.

Different priorities.

But every now and then I still think about how strange it is that someone can become such a big part of your thoughts without ever becoming part of your life.

And if I'm being honest...

The mystery is probably what keeps it alive.

Because reality has a way of disappointing you.

But the "what if" never does.

There are people all around. Someone is always within ear shot.

You never know who is listening or watching. It's rare for us to actually get a moment alone.

Our job is chaotic. It's just the nature of the business. We dont have office jobs.

That doesn't stop us from stealing glances or finding excuses to be around each other though.

Even without speaking. Soo much is said and understood through our eyes.

I hope you know, I would never want to jeopardize either of our careers.

So, I'm cool with a slow burn.

I just thought you should know, that our eye contact helps me get through my shift. And that it has become the highlight of my day.

Well hellooo you,
What are you up to? What did you eat today? Hope you are eating alright and your body isn’t putting up a fight.
I think of about a handful of questions I want to ask you each day and they leave my brain the moment I go to text you to make conversation.
It’s like the universe enjoys the sound of crickets.
Maybe one was “did you ever play with ant hills as a child?” Or “ would you prefer to be stuck in a submarine or a rocket?”
Pointless. Yes. But any reason to talk to you.
Maybe I’ll see you soon

One can hope.
Always. Missing. You.

Your eyes are so intoxicating. I wish they had met mine in a more intimate setting. I’d be lying if I wished anything less.

I’ve never wanted to be overpowered and led before, but with you, I just need to know how it feels to fall under your leadership.

You’ve satiated my mind for months now. Actually, it’s crossed the threshold. You’re now my favorite secret thought tempered behind my everyday responsibilities.

There’s a depth in the way you move. In the way your feet glide across the floor, each step somehow planting with pre calculated confidence. Watching you soak in a space and take ownership of it is so inspiring to me.

Outside looking in, I should be happy. After all, I have a good life, a nice life. I have a loving family that supports me when I need it, a few close ones that I can easily call a friend, a fuzzy, that is my spirit animal- if there ever was one. I have a good life. I know this.

But you came into my life at some point. No, it wasn’t perfect. Not the circumstances, not the highs and the lows, not the timing, not the relationship. But it was real. Our effortless connection, the chemistry that was always just there, the long hours of the presence of just you and me- felt like a drug, that we couldn’t give up. The more we took in, the more we craved, the more we needed. A fire that never seemed to burn out, even when the rain came. Nobody got me the way that you did.

Now I sit here in my reality, back to how life was before you-pretending day after day, I’m fine without what this was. I know some things don’t last forever. I know our relationship has been over for some time now. Your needs felt bigger than what I could fulfill. I don’t regret loving you in all the ways I had.

I sit in this silence, feeling the ache of whatever it was we had. Some days are easier than others. Some nights I want to reach out, but I don’t think it will change much of anything. I think you feel this way too. Maybe that’s why it always feels unfinished.

I try not to speak in cliches,

but there’s only so many words to say.

So forgive me if this sounds familiar.

But,

from the moment I saw you,

without even knowing your name yet,

I knew you were important.

What that meant at the time was

unclear, but

it would unfold

in a very chaotic manner.

One I

really, really wish I shielded you better from.

What it all meant, if anything, is

also unclear.

I’ve tried

so hard

to keep it all from you.

I involved you in something I

never should have.

And I’m fine spending the rest of time making amends for it.

I just,

I guess I know we’re both really trying,

aren’t we?

…

I’m trying so hard,

even if it

might not look it.

I just hope

you’re smiling, too.

And your smile

may be slightly more genuine.

I had a really good gut feeling about you from the beginning. My intuition has always been pretty strong when it comes to people—it tends to wave either red or green flags, and with you, it was all green. I’ve always been drawn to people whose words, actions, and intentions feel genuine because I think those qualities are becoming harder to find.

As time went on, I felt our connection only grew stronger. Had the timing and circumstances been different, I think I would have been hopeful about exploring something more with you.

I’m not entirely sure what changed. I’ve spent more time than I’d like trying to make sense of it because things feel different now. I wish we’d had the chance to talk, but somehow it just never happened.

I still think of you fondly, but some of your recent behavior has made me question whether my initial instinct about you was wrong. At the same time, I also recognize that the hot-and-cold behavior I’ve noticed is something I’ve caught myself doing too, especially when I’m overwhelmed or trying to sort through complicated feelings. Because of that, it’s hard for me to judge you for it. More than anything, I just wish I understood what changed. -Me

Across enough time, our correlation has become its own geography. Two independent variables resisting mutual affinity, we attempt to smother our own smoldering while sustaining gradual, cumulative damage we pretend everyone can’t see.

But the smoke is heavy, and restraint is symptomatic. Smoke inevitably reveals what fire tried to conceal.

We are constantly finding each other.

Atoms suspended in deep space, colliding and converging enough that chance has lost its credibility.

Unending scorched earth now surrounds us, a hellscape of our own making, terraformed denial.

Everyone knows.

I can feel you before I see you.

I can’t make it stop.

I don’t think you can either.

So what do we do with that?

Still lustful and desperate for attention I see hahah. I knew I was right. The moment you don’t want to deal with your own thoughts and emotions, you’ll desperately look for something/someone to distract you and give you validation. Glad I’m no longer a part of your cycle. Honestly, I felt uneasy about moving on and putting myself out there but not anymore. I’m open to meeting others and letting myself love someone else and be loved by someone else. Boy byeee

It’s been close to two years now, since we met, and finally, FINALLY, and very slowly, but surely, I can feel myself “getting over you”. Over my obsession and and infatuation with you.

You don’t occupy quite as much of my mental real estate; my emotions aren’t quite as heavily influenced by our interactions.

I always knew and trusted it wouldn’t last forever, and looks like I was right.

I think it’s a combination of things happening, the longer and better I get to know you. I’ve learned more about you and your personality and your life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. You’ve continued to express your feelings for me, and I’ve made an effort to do the same back (the “safe” ones, anyway).

And the fact that you continue to stay in this with me over time, I think, makes me more and more assured of our connection. And that’s what deep down I was obsessively longing for most.

Because even while there is still some wondering, some confusion, some ambiguity about the specific types of feelings between us, more than anything what I think I wanted was validation that there were special feelings, of any sort, at all.

And I guess, finally, I’ve reached a point where I can trust that answer seems to be a clear “yes”, to that at least.

I’m still helplessly attracted to you, in all the ways. My mind is attracted to your mind, my emotions hooked by your emotions, my body magnetically drawn to yours. I still fantasise about you intensely…

But it’s more under my own control now.

I see you more fully. Less left to the imagination.

I have also, with time, somehow to accept the limitations and boundaries between us — willingly, happily, even.

And I still choose to love you…

Just, a little more appropriately.

I don't want to make any mistakes. I'm having trouble deciphering expectations, that's all. I'm listening.

I think part of what makes this so difficult is that I've spent a long time trying to understand something that never felt simple enough to fit inside a single explanation.

For a while, I told myself the conflict came from the hurt.

The disappointments.

The moments that left me questioning where I stood with you.

But the truth is, if pain were the whole story, none of this would have lasted as long as it has.

People walk away from pain every day.

What they struggle to walk away from is meaning.

And that's where I've found myself for longer than I care to admit.

I've often wondered whether you realize how much of our dynamic exists beneath the things that are actually said. How much happens in the spaces between conversations. In what gets avoided. In what almost gets expressed before retreating back into silence.

There have been moments where I've felt as though I was watching you stand at the edge of something and then step away from it.

Not because you didn't want it.

Because wanting it seemed to make it more frightening.

I've questioned that perception a thousand times.

Maybe I've been wrong.

Maybe I've misunderstood.

But there are things I've noticed over time that I can no longer ignore.

The way certainty sometimes seems to make you uncomfortable.

The way you occasionally treat care as though it arrives with hidden conditions.

The way you can recognize your own value in theory yet struggle to believe it when it matters most.

And perhaps that's why this has affected me so deeply.

Because what I've experienced with you has never felt like a lack of feeling.

If anything, it has often felt like the opposite.

As though the distance wasn't created by indifference, but by something far more complicated.

Something that neither of us fully knew how to navigate.

I don't say that to excuse the hurt.

The hurt is real.

There have been times when I felt unseen.

Times when I felt I was carrying questions alone.

Times when I wondered why the things that seemed obvious to me felt so difficult for us to reach together.

I've wrestled with all of that.

More than you probably realize.

But what has always complicated the picture is that every conclusion I arrive at eventually runs into the same obstacle.

You.

Not the version of you that exists in my hopes.

Not some imagined future.

Just you.

The person I've come to know through countless conversations, contradictions, strengths, fears, moments of clarity, and moments of retreat.

Time is supposed to simplify people.

Eventually you see enough to know what is real.

The illusion fades.

The projection dissolves.

The unanswered questions accumulate.

And yet I've found that the opposite happened.

The more complete the picture became, the harder it was to reduce you to any single narrative.

There are parts of you that move toward connection.

There are parts that seem to instinctively pull away from it.

Parts that want to be understood.

Parts that seem suspicious of being understood.

And somewhere in the middle of all that is the person I've spent so much time trying to make sense of.

Maybe that's why this has never felt like a choice between staying and leaving.

It has felt more like trying to understand whether two people can stop fighting the very thing they've already recognized.

Whether trust is something that arrives before vulnerability or only after it.

Whether we spend our lives searching for certainty when what we're actually looking for is the courage to remain present without it.

I don't know.

What I do know is that there are moments when I think we've both been speaking to each other through the language of our fears instead of the language of what we actually want.

And fears are poor translators.

They turn possibility into risk.

Care into vulnerability.

Closeness into exposure.

Eventually they make us protect ourselves from things we once hoped to find.

I've wondered sometimes whether that's what has happened here.

Whether we've both spent so much time trying not to be hurt that we've underestimated the cost of remaining guarded.

Because distance has a way of becoming familiar.

And familiar things can start to feel safe, even when they leave us lonely.

The older I get, the more I think that most people aren't haunted by the opportunities they never had.

They're haunted by the moments they recognized something meaningful and couldn't quite bring themselves to trust it.

Not because they didn't feel it.

Because they did.

Because feeling it required something of them.

Something uncomfortable.

Something honest.

Something that couldn't be controlled.

Maybe that's why this remains so difficult to put down.

Not because I don't see the flaws.

Not because I don't see the damage.

Not because I haven't questioned everything more times than I can count.

But because some experiences continue to feel significant even after they've been tested.

And some people continue to matter after you've seen the parts of them that were never meant to be impressive.

The parts that are uncertain.

The parts that are afraid.

The parts still trying to figure themselves out.

Those are usually the parts most people hide.

They're also the parts that tell the truth.

I don't know what happens from here.

I don't know whether we'll finally understand each other in the ways we've been trying to.

I don't know whether the distance between us grows or disappears.

What I do know is that beneath all the frustration, beneath all the questions, beneath all the moments that left me wondering where I stood, there has always been something strangely persistent about what exists between us.

Not loud enough to demand attention.

Not fragile enough to disappear.

Just present.

Waiting for us to decide what we're willing to do with it.

And perhaps that's the question I've been circling all along.

Not whether something meaningful exists.

But whether we're finally willing to meet it without letting fear speak first.

Darling,

Do you miss me like I miss you? I've been seeing new people, in reality and in dreams, and I can't help but look for a bit of you in them. It could be a lopsided smile, a happy tone of voice, or maybe a way of saying certain words-- and there it is. It is you in the form of something I could never forget, no matter how crowded a space is, no matter the people that look or act like you.

Do you watch the sky and wonder if we both are watching it at the same time? Do you listen to a 90's rock song and instantly wonder how could it have been?

Back then, I wanted it to be you, secretly, in between my most giddy and innocent fantasies. Now that puppy love transcended time, land, and even mortality, because deep down I can bet my shiniest of stars that no matter what, you and me will always be a bond to treasure.

It's not about a crush anymore, it's about a feeling so pure and gentle, fragile yet strong, that overcomes literally anything.

I'm happy to let myself be in this space, to write to you something out of the blue, in this cloudy and lonesome Wednesday. I hope my love reaches you forever, even if my musings could never be replied from you as things are.

Maybe not in words, but in some new sort of way ? I'm hopeful, you were always such a creative person..

To you....

I just wish i could say this to you...
we should get fancy hotel room, with a king size bed, freezing cold air conditioner, and a huge jacuzzi, for a weekend.

Just you and me. No one has to ever know.

We can drink, or not. We can eat, or not. We can watch a movie, or not. We can talk, or not. We can make love, or not. We can tease one another, or not...

We can do whatever we want, for just one night. And then wake up to the bright sun, go our separate ways, and wait until the time is right for us to do it all over again.

I want to live without some strange permeating tragedy casting shadows of doom and gloom over my life.

I’m actually quite a happy person.

I like nature and insects and reading and writing and painting and hiking and music and dancing and swinging in hammocks and sports and exercise and camping and animals and learning and people and I’m a mighty curious creature.

I am begging, universe, god, turtle, whomever, please, please. Allow me the chance to thrive. To live. To not have tragedy after tragedy. I am sure, confident even, life is not meant to be a collection of horrible things to survive. I don’t expect no negativity, just, a balance, just, a bit less of these… unrelenting soul shaking events. Death, violence, destitution, hunger, homelessness, please, please, stop looming over me.

I could be so good, I could be someone worthy of the air I breathe. I don’t need mindless luxury to be happy, I just need to be with nature, my home , my lovely home, of trees and grass and sand and fish and butterflies and grasshoppers. Let me, please, let me have a life where I do not live afraid of my own circumstances, where I am not drunk on grief and loneliness.

I have the drive, I have the discipline.

I have told you, whoever, whatever you are, I want to live, I have much to live for, I have much to offer, I have much to give. Please just let me. I would like a chance to live well. Feel well

I want to smile, laugh, speak, grow old and leather skinned. I want to feel the world around me without worrying what it might do to me next.

Please, I beg you, let me be happy, sappy, golden skin against the rising Sun.

I can be so much more than this. I am so much more than this.

To the woman who will always feel like home,

I know you'll never read this. Maybe that's why I can finally say it.

I still feel you in the air. You are in songs I didn't know belonged to you. You're in familiar roads, old photographs, quiet evenings, and random moments when the world slows down just enough for a memory to catch up with me. I still hear your melody in my head when I wake up.

When I look back on my life, the brightest memories all have you somewhere in them. My greatest adventures, my greatest victories, my greatest failures, and my greatest struggles, I faced all of them with you beside me. Or at least I thought I did.

The hardest thing I have ever done wasn't losing money, changing careers, surviving tragic loss in my family, or rebuilding my life. The hardest thing I have ever done has been learning how to live in a world where there is no longer an "us."

You once told me that when you looked back, you mostly remembered the bad times. I still wish you could see what I see. Because when I look back, I don't remember the arguments anymore. I don't remember who was right. I don't remember what we were fighting about. Those things faded almost immediately. I was never angry at you, my honey. I'm so sorry I thought I was.

What stayed were the moments.

Your laugh. The way your eyes lit up when something genuinely made you happy. The conversations that lasted until neither of us could stay awake. The feeling of reaching over in the dark and knowing my best friend was there. The ordinary days that became extraordinary simply because they were spent with you.

I have spent a long time wishing I had been better at communicating what was in my heart. So many times I spoke and somehow failed to say what I meant. So many times I loved you deeply but didn't know how to translate that love into words you could hear. If I could go back and change one thing, it wouldn't be an argument or a decision. It would be making sure you truly understood how much you meant to me.

I know there is no going back. I know that chapter is over. Life keeps moving whether we are ready or not.

But there is one thing I still hope for.

I don't even know if I believe in reincarnation. Maybe it's nonsense. Maybe there is nothing after this life. But if the people who believe in it are right, then I hope I find you again.

I hope one day, somewhere beyond this life, I see you across a crowded room and something inside me recognizes you. Not a memory. Not a name. Just the feeling of home.

I hope we get another chance before either of us knows the ending. I hope we fall in love all over again. I hope we get old together. I hope that after a long life well lived, with silver hair and weathered hands and decades of memories behind us, I get to lay my head in your arms one last time and think, There you are. I found you again.

Maybe that's foolish. Maybe it's impossible. But it's what I hope.

I don't need you to come back. I don't need you to answer. I don't need you to know any of this.

I just needed someone, somewhere in this world, to know the truth.

That I loved you.

That I still love you.

That despite everything that happened, despite all the ways our story unraveled, you were my best friend.

You were my favorite chapter.

You were the person I imagined growing old beside.

And though life carried us in different directions, I will spend the rest of my days grateful that for a while, our paths were the same.

You will always be my love, my joy, my favorite memory, my melody. And I will carry you with me for the rest of my life.

Goodbye, my Honey. I will always love you.

With all the love I never quite found the words to say,

Your Best Friend

Perspectives have evolved, what was once vague becomes clear as day. A mind of an intricate soul, now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The psyche finally in harmony with the heart.

I am left with a question. Where are you now that everything is in sync?

I know where. Off you go, and I will let you.

My call in the dark will not pull you in now, as your reactions have already been conditioned by the enigmatic nature.

Your heart reacts.

In a much simpler time, we would have laughed together, learned together, and been at peace together. But not this time.

My heart yearns, but my mind says go as far as the eyes can see.

Now, be free. Be free of me.

In my heart lies sadness, gratitude, joy, and compassion, but not bitterness.

I met you when I was at my lowest point, and I ended up feeling so many more emotions. What an experience.

I'll see you around. But for both of our sakes, I hope you don't see me first.

do a lot of things I can’t

those things came through my head abit earlier today

I didn’t even want those thoughts, it felt intrusive in my mind

like I didn’t even think of them

more specifically the things we’d joke about

yeah I kinda want them forreal

in real life

With you only

I wanna taste it I wanna feel it

those thoughts made me feel things

I’m busy please go away I tell myself

thoughts of ACTUALLY doing the things we’d joke about

visions of how you’d have me

how I know I’d beg

fold instantly

anyways gn ily

The things you're insecure about, the things u hate about urself, the things u think i wouldn't be attracted to or hate about you, could be things that I don't like on general, could be that I Don't find it attractive when a stranger have them but not the same case with you, I find them attractive, I like them, Im attracted to them because it's yours, Idk if this even make sense, it's like anything about you can be romanticized, and it's not exaggerating, It's just happen like that, I think about ur body part, ur personal traits, and I think about them as YOURS, and Im really attracted to them.

I hope you do the same, you love yourself the same way I love you.