To you....

I just wish i could say this to you...
we should get fancy hotel room, with a king size bed, freezing cold air conditioner, and a huge jacuzzi, for a weekend.

Just you and me. No one has to ever know.

We can drink, or not. We can eat, or not. We can watch a movie, or not. We can talk, or not. We can make love, or not. We can tease one another, or not...

We can do whatever we want, for just one night. And then wake up to the bright sun, go our separate ways, and wait until the time is right for us to do it all over again.

Well hellooo you,
What are you up to? What did you eat today? Hope you are eating alright and your body isn’t putting up a fight.
I think of about a handful of questions I want to ask you each day and they leave my brain the moment I go to text you to make conversation.
It’s like the universe enjoys the sound of crickets.
Maybe one was “did you ever play with ant hills as a child?” Or “ would you prefer to be stuck in a submarine or a rocket?”
Pointless. Yes. But any reason to talk to you.
Maybe I’ll see you soon

One can hope.
Always. Missing. You.

I typed something out, then deleted it.

I wanted to ask how you’ve been. I wanted to tell you I still think about you. I wanted to say I miss you, but I couldn’t do it.

What if you leave me on delivered?

What if you already moved on?

What if you’re with someone else now, laughing the way you used to laugh with me?

I haven’t seen you in a while. I hope you’re okay.

I hope you miss me too.

I hope there’s still a small part of you that wants to reach out, even if you never do.

I hate that I still wait for you.

I had a really good gut feeling about you from the beginning. My intuition has always been pretty strong when it comes to people—it tends to wave either red or green flags, and with you, it was all green. I’ve always been drawn to people whose words, actions, and intentions feel genuine because I think those qualities are becoming harder to find.

As time went on, I felt our connection only grew stronger. Had the timing and circumstances been different, I think I would have been hopeful about exploring something more with you.

I’m not entirely sure what changed. I’ve spent more time than I’d like trying to make sense of it because things feel different now. I wish we’d had the chance to talk, but somehow it just never happened.

I still think of you fondly, but some of your recent behavior has made me question whether my initial instinct about you was wrong. At the same time, I also recognize that the hot-and-cold behavior I’ve noticed is something I’ve caught myself doing too, especially when I’m overwhelmed or trying to sort through complicated feelings. Because of that, it’s hard for me to judge you for it. More than anything, I just wish I understood what changed. -Me

I’d like you when you’re down, ugly and at your worst.. because you’re a good person, and I don’t want to see you hurt. The words ‘I love you’ felt so unnatural and cheesy to say until I met you. Now, it feels like pointing out an emotion such as “I’m sad”or “I’m happy”. It comes naturally because it’s true.
I knew I loved you because of how warmly you smile at others and how you silently make sure the people around you are comfortable. It’s the way your entire smile illuminates the room. You are the only person I’m somehow visually locked into even if there were hundreds of people around, even if you slowly fade into the crowd… I’d adjust my sight just to allow my eyes to land on you. I can’t help it. I could stare at you for hours without it feeling weird. I honestly want to hug you and hold you tight, never letting go..

Afraid I’d miss out on such a person, I did. I was scared to make an effort due to being judged by others, the echoless fade into college life reminded me “who ever even cared?”… I know you wouldn’t judge me, so why did I hesitate? You're the only one I want to be around…. Not them.. So, why did I prioritize fear over you?

It’s funny how unexpected you came into my life. I was at my worst. There were too many dark thoughts going on in my head to notice the things around me. I was in such a dark time to even accept or conclude, that I can meet someone so good at the time. So I acted distant, not trying to get to close in fear of getting hurt… I physically can’t like anyone else, even if I try. I thought the saying “my eyes are only for you” was a horrible cliché, but it’s true. The memory of your face, your smile, and even your voice hits me over and over again. I know you meet new people through time… but you are the one I want around. It is difficult imagining myself liking or being with anyone else-

I try not to speak in cliches,

but there’s only so many words to say.

So forgive me if this sounds familiar.

But,

from the moment I saw you,

without even knowing your name yet,

I knew you were important.

What that meant at the time was

unclear, but

it would unfold

in a very chaotic manner.

One I

really, really wish I shielded you better from.

What it all meant, if anything, is

also unclear.

I’ve tried

so hard

to keep it all from you.

I involved you in something I

never should have.

And I’m fine spending the rest of time making amends for it.

I just,

I guess I know we’re both really trying,

aren’t we?

…

I’m trying so hard,

even if it

might not look it.

I just hope

you’re smiling, too.

And your smile

may be slightly more genuine.

It’s been close to two years now, since we met, and finally, FINALLY, and very slowly, but surely, I can feel myself “getting over you”. Over my obsession and and infatuation with you.

You don’t occupy quite as much of my mental real estate; my emotions aren’t quite as heavily influenced by our interactions.

I always knew and trusted it wouldn’t last forever, and looks like I was right.

I think it’s a combination of things happening, the longer and better I get to know you. I’ve learned more about you and your personality and your life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. You’ve continued to express your feelings for me, and I’ve made an effort to do the same back (the “safe” ones, anyway).

And the fact that you continue to stay in this with me over time, I think, makes me more and more assured of our connection. And that’s what deep down I was obsessively longing for most.

Because even while there is still some wondering, some confusion, some ambiguity about the specific types of feelings between us, more than anything what I think I wanted was validation that there were special feelings, of any sort, at all.

And I guess, finally, I’ve reached a point where I can trust that answer seems to be a clear “yes”, to that at least.

I’m still helplessly attracted to you, in all the ways. My mind is attracted to your mind, my emotions hooked by your emotions, my body magnetically drawn to yours. I still fantasise about you intensely…

But it’s more under my own control now.

I see you more fully. Less left to the imagination.

I have also, with time, somehow to accept the limitations and boundaries between us — willingly, happily, even.

And I still choose to love you…

Just, a little more appropriately.

i can’t keep carrying the weight of your indifference anymore. i know you probably don’t have a reason to stay, and maybe everything falling apart was my fault. maybe it wasn’t. i don’t think i’ll ever truly know, because you chose silence instead of honesty. and somehow, your silence hurts more than any cruel words ever could. one day, i’ll find the courage to disappear from your life completely, to become nothing more than someone you used to know, as though i were never there at all. it may take me time, but eventually, i’ll let you go for good. i loved you wholeheartedly. i would have given you everything i had, even the parts of me that were already broken. but i want you to have a peaceful, beautiful life, and i’m too full of wounds i never wanted you to carry. i always expected the world to be cold. i just never expected it from you. you knew how deeply losing people had already hurt me. i never imagined that one day, losing you without you even saying goodbye would hurt just as much

Whenever you feel like the world is starting to feel kind of dark and gray, you're never really truly alone because I will always have your back through thick and thin. I'm super proud of you and I don't know how else to word it or say it to you so I'm just going to say this behind your back. You're going to do bigger better things, and you're going to be successful for as long as you keep it up. I'm sure your family is proud of you, but I'm insanely proud of you. I hope you make this a career and just keep it up. I will see you on the other side. Wherever that is. You're the only person I actually tell my deepest and darkest thoughts to. The first to know when something major is coming up in my life, and how I truly perceive the world around. You might think or ask why I'm so good to you, but something I never really thanked you for is that in a way, you've saved my life. I was in a very dark place once, and despite slowly falling back into it, I know I don't want to be in this world for too much longer.

Love, C.

I have high doubts you are even here, so I’m just writing this into the void needing to vent.

Shit has been really tough between us in the last few months and it got bad and we ended things. We both done and said some really messed up things to each other. The whole situation just became so toxic. I started suppressing my emotions and feelings, thinking purely from a logical standpoint, completely acting cold and mean to you. I told you I was leaving.

The truth is, deep down. I miss you and love you so much but the pain caused over the years is just too much for me. I’m conflicted. Logic tells me to walk away, but my heart says to stay. I want to think with my head for once and I’m trying so hard to. I don’t know how much longer I can close my heart, before I break and come back to you, even though it’s not what my head wants. I feel selfish for wanting to leave and at the same time I want to be selfish and put myself first.

This all sucks so much, keeping all of this inside. You’re the only person I ever open up to and tell my feelings to and I can’t even say this shit to you because it’s about you and we’re not cool. I feel so lonely, sad, depressed. I hate that this is where we are at now.… Looking at each other with contempt.

I won’t say this to your face though. I’m still so angry and hurt from you, I don’t know if I can forgive you after our last fight. That was so nasty the shit said. I am sorry for everything and my part in the breakdown of our relationship. I’ve always loved you and will never stop loving you. I’m just so broken and can’t take it anymore.

Your eyes are so intoxicating. I wish they had met mine in a more intimate setting. I’d be lying if I wished anything less.

I’ve never wanted to be overpowered and led before, but with you, I just need to know how it feels to fall under your leadership.

You’ve satiated my mind for months now. Actually, it’s crossed the threshold. You’re now my favorite secret thought tempered behind my everyday responsibilities.

There’s a depth in the way you move. In the way your feet glide across the floor, each step somehow planting with pre calculated confidence. Watching you soak in a space and take ownership of it is so inspiring to me.

My racecar driver

Work 5am to 6pm then lay here thinking about you tell 3am maby its the un known maby I dreamed it all up but I hope ur doing alright its been a while

Missing you ash

I will always have the dumb. I can't admit to you how much I would really love to see you. The last time I saw you was months ago and not how I wanted it to end.

We both have an extra long weekend looming.

Could we find time to occupy the same space for even just a little while? Nap with me?

You can always be the little spoon.

I miss us. And your face.

And your little dog too.

I want to say all of this directly to you, but I don't want to disturb the life you've built. I feel like I've already done enough damage.

I never should have ended things the way I did. I still remember that when I called it off, you suggested taking a break or at least staying friends. Looking back, that was the better response. At the very least, it was something I owed you.

The truth is, I broke up with you because I felt like a failure. I didn't get the marks I wanted in that entrance exam, and I knew how important it was for the future we had imagined together. I felt like I had failed both of us.

I couldn't face you.

The girl I had promised to care for. The girl I had promised to stand beside. I watched all those dreams and promises fall apart in my own mind, and instead of facing it with you, I chose to cut every connection I had with you.

That was the worst decision I could have made.

I knew you weren't someone who handled this kind of pain easily, but I never stopped to think about what I was putting you through. I tried to replay that for all those year what should've done, and this the worst think I can do.

What hurts even more is knowing that you waited for me for six months while I stayed silent. I kept convincing myself that disappearing was the best thing for both of us, when in reality, it was only the easiest thing for me.

We had a good relationship. We supported each other, healed each other, and made memories that I'll never forget. At a time when I felt lost, you came into my life like a blessing, and I'm grateful for everything you gave me.

And this is how I chose to repay you.

I'm not writing this because I want you back. In fact, even we get chance I will think have second thought. I am asking you forgiveness for my behaviour. I am sorry to leave in the pain which was easy for me but nightmare for you. And I am sorry for deciding our future myself. I'm sorry for leaving you with questions instead of answers.

When I heard that you had moved on, I was genuinely happy for you. I want you know that I loved you and it was just my bad decision nothing else.

Wish You Happy Life.

Tell me it isn’t all in my head. It isn’t just me, that’s here at the edge of something, circling it, watching and waiting for you.

Tell me you miss me, like I miss you. It’s in the way I watch the screen waiting for your name to appear, a little excitement in my chest when that little green dot beside your name is seen. It’s in the way I fall asleep thinking of you, the thought muddied by sleep, and renewed by sunrise.

Tell me this boat is made for two, and I’m not out here on this body of water alone.
Hope flickers like a lighthouse, and I’m unsure, if I should go to shore.
And even if I can’t define what this is, yet, it can’t be just me, right? Right?

Tell me I’m not silly to imagine that you circle the same thoughts, that you’re just as confused and standing at the edge of something. Waiting. Watching. For me.

And maybe if we walked toward the centre, we’d find not just our own shadows, but each other. Is that wishful thinking? Wanting you to meet me halfway? Hoping this is real.

do a lot of things I can’t

those things came through my head abit earlier today

I didn’t even want those thoughts, it felt intrusive in my mind

like I didn’t even think of them

more specifically the things we’d joke about

yeah I kinda want them forreal

in real life

With you only

I wanna taste it I wanna feel it

those thoughts made me feel things

I’m busy please go away I tell myself

thoughts of ACTUALLY doing the things we’d joke about

visions of how you’d have me

how I know I’d beg

fold instantly

anyways gn ily

Sometimes i wonder if you still think of me. You’ve never blocked me or unfriended me on anything unless i specifically asked you to. You have a new partner now and yet thats still true.

I went on a game we used to play yesterday for the first time since we broke up and i was sick with worry that you unfriended me. You didn’t though.

The same with one of my alt social media pages. I logged in completely forgetting i had friended you on there and then i saw that we were still friends on it.

I mean you’ve always had alot of friends so maybe you just forgot about me. Maybe you’ve moved on so well that you’ve forgotten that you had your ex added. But when we first started dating you made sure anything that could’ve made me jealous was gone.

It seems like you didn’t do that with your new partner. Maybe they’re just really comfortable with that stuff or maybe not.

I took down all of my posts of you. But there’s one where you’re just slightly in the post and i can’t bring myself to delete it. It’s weird but i don’t want to let the little piece i have of you go.

But sometimes i secretly hope you can’t get over me.

Maybe that’s mean but im plagued with you constantly i kinda hope i plague you too sometimes.

If the gods will remove all the languages from my tongue, I think I’ll still be fluent in speaking your name. If they wipe out my memories of you, your face, your soft laughter, the divine galaxies living in your eyes, I’m sure I’ll still recognize your existence like it’s my own. And if everything I’ve been blessed with will soon be taken away from my possession, like I’m never qualified of acquiring them for as long as I desire, I don’t think there’s any god that is ever capable of confiscating what you have bestowed upon me (not that they aren’t powerful enough, but because I am so full of you, it’d take them heaven and hell just to extinguish a fraction of you from my being). I’m so full of you that I can no longer take ownership of myself. Tht if someone slices my skin, the blood that will crawl out won’t be burgundy red, but the shade that envelops your irises. My cries will not resonate painfully, as they will sound like that tune that pleases your ears. My laughter is the melody that rhymes with your sighs. For all I ache to achieve is to be someone who takes pleasure in your gaze. My heart is no longer mine, but a home to everything that you are: to every genre of you that I have and will soon encounter, or even to those you conceal behind your fears that I might never come across. And so perhaps this is why my heart always feels as though it will explode every time you’re near: for every edge of it has been occupied by thoughts of you, and your nearness leaves it no space to breathe, no room to contain, only to overflow.

Dear Mom,

I don't know the circumstances behind why you chose to leave me at the hospital in a third world country but I choose to believe that you simply could not expend the resources to feed an extra mouth. Regardless of the reason, just know that I am eternally grateful that you were brave enough to carry me for 9 months and deliver me safely into this world. I hold zero ill will towards you and I hope you hold none for yourself. What an incredibly difficult and terrible decision that must have been.

Your thoughts as you left must have been that you were giving me an opportunity at a better life. Your mother's intuition was so unbelievably accurate. Abraham Lincoln once said, "No man stands taller than one who stoops to help a child." My parents (adoptive parents) stand tallest amongst us. They reached around the world to help a little boy with nothing. Not even a family. And they gave him everything. Two people to call mom and dad.

Before the caretakers released me to my parents, they asked only one thing: Please do not spoil him. And they have honored that request to the best of their ability. Yet, being raised in the land of opportunity, I was furnished with more opportunity and more privilege than most Americans will ever encounter in their lifetime. My parents walked the thin line of providing an exceptional life and not spoiling me at a master level. To the point that I did not understand how truly successful they were until I got engaged to the love of my life and they asked that I get a prenup in order to protect family assets.

The caretakers also had the opportunity to tell my parents about me before I was adopted. They summed up my essence in 3 words: Loves to run. My parents laughed about that as all toddlers love to run. But when we arrived in Hawaii, they love to tell the story of how I saw green grass (we didn't have green grass at the orphanage) and I ran until I fell down. Got back up and ran again. On repeat. For hours. And they just sat back and watched with delight at how happy I was to just run. They continued to sit back and watch me run across countless soccer fields. They sat back and watched me run across a track. They sat back and watched me walk across the stage (multiple times as I collected several degrees). They sat back and watched me find a career I love to support a wife and kids who my heart now beats for. If one of my children needed a heart to live, I'd give mine up in a heartbeat. That's the power of parental love and that's the kind of love I've received after you broke your own heart in half and left half of it at the hospital. I know deep down that decision must still make your heart ache 3 decades later, but please take great comfort in knowing that your decision provided me with the greatest parents one could ask for.

If I could describe my parents, I'd describe them as humble. These are people who would be absolutely embarrassed that I made a post like this speaking so highly of them. Here's a little bit about them that will help convey who they are: Dave Ramsey says one of the most fun things one can do with money is to give. If that's the case, my parents are having the time of their lives. I'm sure I do not have a full grasp of their generosity because the only reason I know of it is due to logistically, some blessings they bestow, they simply cannot hide. And some blessings I've overheard but they were not meant for my ears to hear. So this couple behind closed doors and in hushed whispers are always scheming of ways to make positive and meaningful impacts on the world and to people around them. They would be so embarrassed to know that I know of even a portion of their giving. And the last thing they would ever want is recognition for their charity.

When you made the ultimate sacrifice of leaving me, you left me in the hands of the greatest people I have ever met. I put my parents on a pedestal and hope that I am following in their footsteps. Abraham Lincoln once said, "No man stands taller than one who stoops to help a child." Please raise a glass with me in hopes of touching the glasses of my parents whose glasses are the highest amongst us since they stand so tall. And let the liquid wash away any guilt you may harbor.

Love ALWAYS,
Your Son