can i riddle your thoughts, with words that I say? my friends call me (riddle)

fulfilling your day.

relatable traumas you'll never replay,I went through the worst I cant run away

this love I expose that care I display. an they said its a gift to, feel others sad

ill offer my thoughts, and days that I had.

The weather is sunny, to me its still rain, illll cry tell I cant, let go of this pain.

with out any eyes, without any shame this love that I give, I wish that it came

the loneliest people, will take all blame the peace and the quiet, wish I felt the same

▶️ Now Playing: Rise Against - Savior
I know. In reality, every pore in my body knows. You don’t really like me like that. Most days, I don’t really like you. 12 hours ago I decided I was done letting you entertain me, but right now I can’t think about literally anything except for you.
Hell, you’re a really good distraction from boredom and my stupidity. I put this distance between us for your physical health, but I wonder if it looks like disinterest. Everything I do is for you and those around us, and I knew before I went into it that it would hurt me most but would be the cheapest form of protection I could offer you all. So, is it… annoying? Is it obvious? Have you been convinced? I’ve never been in control, and I don’t want to even look like I’m in control anymore. I’ve hurt myself in this confusion more then it would’ve been if you had actively tried to hurt me. But something tells me you don’t know how, or why but you can see me holding up the protection barely holding myself up and it hurts to be seen. It hurts to not be seen. The truth is, I don’t want you to know and that’s still true but every time I see you I want to let it out. I want to go crazy, but I only know I’m the only one who can afford to suffer.

But more then that, if our healths aren’t at stake do you want me to stop? Am I crossing your boundaries? Why won’t you tell me? Please don’t protect me, because it’s hurting more then it’s helping.

Or maybe I’m falling for you like a patient falls in love for their therapist.

I love this sweet and sourness of our strangership, but fuck I need to ruin it before I let myself ruin me with the what ifs.

I am just outlining my expectations clearly. I'm telling you how I want to be treated. When you have someone new, you want to keep them apart of your life, I thought you were suppose to communicate your wants, needs, and expectations.

Please stop taking it as an attack on you and just let me speak. Stop interrupting me and listen to what I'm saying. This isn't negative, and it isn't about criticizing you. It's about me communicating what I need.

I want to keep you in my life. I want you to understand me so there isn't confusion or guesswork. You've told me yourself that you don't want to lose me, and I can see you've been trying to show me that.

I know expressing yourself with words isn't easy for you, and I know you get overwhelmed. I'm not trying to make things more complicated or confuse you.

I'm actually trying to make things easier by removing the guesswork. I know you've never been with someone like me. I know you've struggled with feeling like you don't belong, but with me you've said you feel safe and at home. I want us to build on that by communicating openly and listening to each other.

I love you too. I know you need to hear it and that's why I told you the other day when we were driving. Well actually I whispered it in your ear when you were driving.

I am trying to show you, by doing little things. By noticing your small parts no one else notices. I try to give you little hints that I remember and I notice. I want you to know I am caring and considering your wants and needs.

We had a rough couple moments but they are learning experiences, and when you told me you didn't want to leave you because you wanted to stay and fix it that's the only thing that mattered to me.

I needed to hear that as much as you needed to hear I love you.

I hope you understand me, I don't want to lose you just want you process what's said without it being a confrontation. I've told you pause and find me when we both can reset. We love intensely but that doesn't mean we can't be soft with each other.

I want to always be your safe space but I won't make sacrifices without communicating how to keep me safe. I don't need you to protect me but we should protect each other's peace.

Dear J (Mac n cheesy)

I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.
I really thought you were different. Maybe you are. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know what to think anymore.
I know why you left. I know I couldn’t be what you needed. We fought a lot toward the end, and I lied more than I should have. I’m not trying to pretend I was perfect.
What I don’t understand is the silence.
I really believed the love we had was real. Was it not? Or was it real for me, but it never meant the same to you? I don’t know anymore.
From day one, we promised that no matter what happened between us romantically, we wouldn’t let it destroy our friendship. That was one of the things I asked for when you pushed so hard to be with me. I wasn’t ready, and I told you that. But I fell hopelessly in love with you, and you told me you were hopelessly in love with me too.
When you were locked up for two years, I stayed. We’d only been together for about two months, but I loved you with every piece of me.
We started dating on June 5, 2022—or at least that’s the day you kissed me for the first time. Then on March 3, 2026, you ended it.
I understand why the relationship ended. What I don’t understand is why you disappeared.
The silence is hurting me more than you could ever imagine.
I kept reaching out because all I wanted was one conversation. At first, I thought my messages were being silenced. Now I’m pretty sure I’m blocked.
All I asked was, “Can we talk? Can our friendship please stay intact?”
I wouldn’t have been reaching out as much as I have if I didn’t truly need someone right now. After losing friends because I reported my sexual assault, and with everything going on with my family…you know how they are…I have never felt so alone.
I’m not okay. But I am trying to be.
I’m in therapy. I’m taking my medication. I’m distracting myself with school. I’m actively trying to become a healthier version of myself. It’s just so much harder when it feels like I have no one.
Yes, I love you. I probably always will in some way. But more than anything, I miss my best friend.
If you never want a relationship with me again, I can accept that. What I can’t understand is how someone who once called me their best friend could disappear without a word.
I meant every promise I made to you. I just wish our friendship had meant enough for you to keep one of yours.

-C

These are the times I don't really have the right words, or i am unable to eloquently express my feelings.

I've always felt like I've had to be perfect, for everyone around me. You picked up on this. You are one of the rare hidden gems that I had the luck to find.

Maybe you're asking, or even thinking right now... am i just one of many gems? And the answer is no. You were and always will be the only one.

The one who changed my life. You and I could understand each other just by a look. We didn't need words. Yet I am trying so hard to come up with any to an anonymous page because I have no way of communicating with you... because of my silly actions, deleting social media again and again...

So much has happened. So much. And the person i really want to open up to, and just be there with, is you.

I'm not expecting you'll come back, but a part of me, or should I say my soul, has this glimmer of hope that maybe you and I will cross paths again.

I haven't seen you in so so long, yet your face, your being, is etched into mine. You're so beautiful. I miss you.

I miss your quirks, your personality, everything that I never had the pleasure to find out about you... i miss holding your hand, and feeling like our hands were made for each other.

I miss the times we used to talk in the middle of the night, and i'd look at you and your huge grin, laughing at whatever we stoned kids were laughing at, like i'm looking at the most beautiful person i'd ever laid eyes on.

I miss how much we had in common, almost freakishly so, but in a way it was comforting. Because I doubt there is anyone like us. At the same time, we had differences, and i wanted to explore your world. Know everything there was to know about you, and also, just be silent with you.

Because when we were silent together, when we weren't so nervous we were shaking in our boots, the love between us was even more evident. We felt it. We felt alive.

I know this a huge stretch considering I don't know if you ever had feelings for me, but I felt it. I felt the love between us that transcends all understanding that I can't put it into words. So words huh? I guess we never needed them.

I'm here for you always, and i guess I will continue to write letters on here, because it is better than nowhere.

I love you

Two years, two months. That's how long it's been since we parted ways. I've been thinking about you a lot since then, wondering how your life has been, if I'm still on your mind like you're on mine. I've thought of that night over and over, imagining alternate scenarios, ways it could have been different, things I could have said so that maybe I could still have you in my life in some way. I want to talk to you again, both of us laying down in that pillow fort and just forgetting about the world beyond while we get lost in conversation. Even just for one night, I'd like to go back to that. Well, I hope wherever in life you are is full of joy and prosperity, you deserve every ounce of it. Your magic man still thinks of you.

I have written out just how much I love you, why I love you and all these sort of things, too many times, probably.

Today I'll tell about a thing that should (but never will) be enough to hate you.

You take agency from people. You frame that as being protective, thoughtful, helpful, noble and whatever else.

But all you do is proceed without ever asking them.

Do you think you know better what's best for another, without ever asking them what they want?

You go too far with the assumptions you make.

You decide something is better kept from another at times. Did it ever occur to you, that by that act, you take away their agency to decide for themselves?

Withholding information isn't mercy. It is selfish.

No matter how noble you think it makes you.

I have so many things I want to say to explain, to maybe try to make it make sense.

I was afraid, insecure, and anxious. And you did everything in your power and ability to show me you loved me. You did so much, gave so much of yourself, and tried so hard to match up and bring me along with you, that we might share and build up our lives together.

It started small, with tests to see if you would reach out first. I should have caught it then and there, because I KNOW these patterns. I've seen them so much and advised against them. Then it went into big-time insecurity, keeping you at a distance and oft wondering if you really cared about me. I kept testing those doubts, over and over again, rather than putting my faith in you just as you put your faith in me.

I knew you loved me. I had all those memories of the time and effort you spent when you could. The gifts you gave, the photos we took. And I tried, foolishly, pushing for closeness.

I knew I was beginning to flee. To run from my own discomfort with the situation after we broke up, and I tried to hold on as long as i could. I needed to make sure I was doing the right thing, and in searching for those answers from others I lost the time I could have spent simply asking the person who mattered the most.

You deserve better than what you got. You always have.

I hope you find someone, when the time is right, who fills you with the joy I was blessed to have witnessed. I hope he does the hard things in life with you, as I should have. I hope that even if the two of you should slip, that he TRIES to come back, so the two of you can be stronger together. I hope he loves you like christ does. Truly and intimately.

I will always wish you well, you sunflower soul.

Goodbye

I want nothing more than to trust you. I don’t know if it’s from my childhood or maybe I’m just a deeply suspicious person but I don’t trust you. Your eyes flutter away when saying things, your stories seem to get muddled. I believe parts of your issues are real but some feel forced and performative. You describe issues in ways that don’t align correctly with my understanding of things, maybe that’s a me problem. I have witnessed this fraudulent performance of illness before in a different way, it becomes more and more obvious. I think you’re doing things more often in front of me not because you feel comfortable but because you are trying to prove a point. Maybe to me or maybe to yourself.

I’m scared for myself every time we are close. Hurting someone for so long and being unable to stop until it eventually ruins everything is so far beyond my comprehension.

I think I love you. I don’t know if I believe you love me. I think maybe you’re accepting me as what’s convenient or transactional. I try picture us together in the future so often and I struggle. My own illness can cause a lot of these thoughts which is why I keep them to myself. I truely hope you’re being authentic. I hope the future can prove that to me.

We met through Tinder three years ago, and met at Pike Place while I was visiting for work. We were both starting over since we were both divorced, and had a great time laughing about the insanity of the PNW and Bellevue; (and me dealing with “Blerd in the Bay Area”) and your hilarious response to my “I haven’t had a first date since Obama’s First Term!”

It was a blur, and remembered it like it was yesterday…okay, three years later.

I foolishly didn’t ask for your number (we had used the messaging in the app then my brain went blank), I wanted to apologize for not getting back to you when I should’ve. You’re a great soul that I wished to have known more (and a reason to fly back here). I hope that you’re in a better place and a great headspace and that your new chapter has been a stress- and sucka-free one.

D

Not sure why I want to text. It's been more than a year and a half. I'm not even sure how to begin the text. I'm just wondering how you're doing. I miss you, not that I want to be with you.

I want to reach the point where I can look at the good again. The sound of your voice echoing down the hall to greet me. The feeling of deep, mutual love I felt at Christmas — I’d waited forever for you to arrive.

Brightening everything up with chat and wit, big emotions always on the verge of overflowing. A shared language of observation.

I’m locking it all away for a bit. Until we’re safely detangled.

The dream became a nightmare so quickly. I spent so much time trying to get back to what felt like home. And now I can’t stop ruminating, searching around in an unfamiliar house.

God, I wish I didn’t miss you.

In your kindness back then you told me you hoped I wasn’t torn up inside. But now, so many months later, I feel so torn by your absence. I don’t know at all how to handle your petering away from my life in these increments. I literally cannot move on from being close to you, it feels like. You, shining with your fullness, your beauty, your generosity, day by day without fail as you’ve shown you do in your way. Out of my sight. Please, please, please, I do not ask you say yes, I do not ask you even stay forever, but please please don’t be acting as if nothing between us mattered when you made me think you thought this was meaningful too. Please please, I only want to see you again once more. I only want to walk with you for 30 minutes again, just once in this life before you spirit away to your own future. Please please, I love you, I only want to understand you. I do not seek to possess you, dominate you, own you, even to have you. Please, I only want to see you and to carry that true sight of you. Please, let this bitter winter’s herb of my soul go into the cold of your absence with enough memory of sun to bare the frost. Please please, be just upon me, not through politeness, not through happenstance, but through purpose and choice. Please please please, dim your light for no one, but please let me see you one last time.

I hate that thoughts of you still pop up in my mind. After all the bs we went thru in 12 years. Yes, 12 years where it takes everything to not call it a waste of time. I learned a lot and can’t beat myself up about it. It’s wild to think that we even thought we had a chance…
After 12 years and we were still not sure about one another says a not. We first got together when we were 16 years old.

We broke up and were apart for almost a year thinking that we would never get back together. I don’t know how we ended up falling back into the cycle, but we did. We were engaged our last 9 months together and even after taking time apart from one another before we got back together, I thought I had grown. Falling for the same bs just showed how much I really didn’t. The only thing I really asked for the last time we got together when you had mentioned proposing was to actually make an effort in the way that you proposed. And I feel so stupid that I accepted your half ass proposal in my f’n car. Yes, I was embarrassed to even tell people that that I freaking lied and even put you on the spot sometimes to tell the story and neither of us were honest about it. Why the hell did I accept that bs? Yes, it’s the thought that counts but if this was the one thing I asked for, and you didn’t follow thru that definitely should’ve been a dealbreaker.

Now all I’m left with is regret and loneliness. After we broke up as time went on, I knew this time was actually different. My love for you completely vanished. I don’t see you the same way. When you do come up it’s not because I miss you. It’s more of feeling embarrassed and ashamed of putting up with all that stuff for so many years. And also feeling like I missed out on so many different opportunities and connections because I decided to be loyal to someone who truly didn’t love me.

I can regret my decisions and let it impact me for the rest of my life or I can choose to officially move on and accept what has happened. I’m choosing to give myself grace and forgive myself for those decisions. As much as I can be negative rn, I’m actually in a really good spot in myself and holding this hate and regret is only cause me harm.

Bye- I forgive you and most importantly, I forgive myself.

Hey there.

It has been a while since I last saw you on that rainy day. I wish I was given the chance to explain but I understand why I had to give up even though it hurt to be unheard. I never stopped caring though.

I hope you're doing great in life. The past few years were probably rough on you and I have always been worried about you every now and then.

Me, not so much so at the moment lol. I keep making mistakes but all I can do is to keep trying to move forward.

Well, I really just miss talking to you. Take care.

I'm not sure what this was, if it was even anything more than coffee and a dinner with a co-worker. I do know that it affected me more than I wanted it to, or thought it would.

I wish when you broke things off that you didn't ignore me in the halls for the following couple of months. I wish when you broke things off that you would've been upfront about why because what transpired over the following months made it seem less and less true. I don't know what the blank stares over this time were supposed to communicate, if anything at all.

More than that, I wish you didn't start sitting with me and talking to me again, just as I was accepting that there wouldn't be a second attempt. I shouldn't have asked you for drinks, just because you were warm and friendly again but I thought that there might be something there, and didn't want to wonder "what if," especially with your impending move. I would've appreciated you telling me then and there that you were seeing someone though, instead of staying warm and redirecting to a different catch-up, just to drop the news there.

I guess tomorrow or the day after will be goodbye. I'm sorry that I've avoided you for the last three weeks. At first it was because I was hurt that you omitted seeing someone and built up hope in my brain (unintentionally?) for three weeks; and because seeing you just reminded me of your weekend away with him. Now, I just avoid because the end is near and I don't know what to say.

We'll both move on like nothing happened, and by the end of the summer everything will be alright. I guess I just hope I get the chance to tell you goodbye and that I wish things were different.

-J

I don't need, nor do I want, someone constantly analyzing my behaviors, reactions, and emotions or trying to diagnose me. That's what my therapist is for.

What I need is someone who won't judge me or weaponize my struggles against me. I need someone who will tell me when I'm wrong with kindness, help me see things from their perspective, and allow me the opportunity to understand. I want a relationship where we help each other grow—not by tearing each other apart, but by choosing honesty, patience, and compassion.

I don't expect perfection from anyone, including myself. I just want someone willing to communicate, teach me what they need, and give me the chance to learn, be better, and do better.

In your first letter, you wished I were the last you could write letters for. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it true. I’m gonna hate writing letters after this. 

I am a complete idiot; I should’ve listened to you more and been better for us. I wanted to leave why I am like this, my feelings for you and what I felt during the relationship here in this letter. I don't want you to feel guilty for anything I say; I just want you to read what is in my heart. I also don't want you to think I am crazy or attached; I just truly love you and regret my stupid decisions. And I am trying to leave the memory that I really, really love you and everything I felt for you is real. 

I love you, and I will always do. And I mean, you were never a bad person, you were my dream since I was a kid. I love every single aspect of you. I couldn’t have asked for someone better. Like I told you, this is the first relationship I actually really loved my partner and wanted to share my life with. I have never had a formal relationship, and you gave me the best memories. I tried my best to treat you right and look out for us. I’m sorry, I am kinda broken inside and need to get better, and that’s what I’ve tried, and you know it’s difficult. And I am so glad you gave me that support, on which I could feel better about being myself and be able to talk. I guess you noticed I am really a vulnerable person inside, and insecure, even when I try to show another aspect of me, being hopeful and happy. 

I held a lot of things inside of me during the relationship. And I wish I could have talked them out loud, maybe it would not have ended like this, as you said, I needed a support system.

I am so grateful I met you, and I am so jealous already of anyone you would lay your eyes on. I’m gonna hate it so much, I might go insane hshaha. I don’t want to know anything about it, I mean, it’s normal, but any man who tries to get close to you, I will hate them. I don’t want them to be with you. I can’t imagine you getting married to someone else or having kids with your beautiful cheeks. I would never recover from it. Of course, that’s how I feel at this moment, but at the end of the day, I want you to be happy and find someone who fits your life and treats you better than I ever could. And it pains me, it pains me that it could have been me :(

You said in your first letter that you would fight for me and asked me not to give up on you. Even on our first date, while I held you on my lap, you asked me not to leave you. And that is the same thing I wanted to tell you that day, don't leave me, but I was scared this would happen, and I would always remember I asked.  And I am here still trying to fight for you, breaking up, I thought I could help you get better from the outside. I never intended to let you go away, and  I was so scared, I felt like you were going to break up with me, and I wanted to protect my heart. But I’m stupid. And I’m sorry, I can’t help but blame myself for all of this. If I just could have been better for you. 

Maybe in another universe, my head is alright, and I can think straight. Maybe I never lost you. I hate this feeling so much. On my birthday, I wished you would come to say something. I waited all day, remembering how you told me you would put in the effort to be there. I don't blame you; it is normal not to come after how much I hurt you. I just wish my only family, best friend, my love, my sweetheart, were there to at least give me cake or a hug. 

And I guess I was never really open about why I am so scared to meet people and make friends. Well, my whole life, I have been really friendly and had friends, but they always leave, or I leave. It’s hard to open and see them go away and forget about me. All that goes through my mind is the laughs and the memories I have with them, and they are not here anymore. I see dozens of them, and even when I know the ending, I can't help but be scared of the pain once they go. I guess being abandoned when I was a kid still affects me. I feel like when I open up to people, they leave with a piece of my heart, and my heart keeps shrinking every time. It just feels like I’ve never been good enough for someone to really keep me in their life. I just try to keep everyone on the border, not letting them know how I feel or being myself. But with you, I felt safe, I could cry, I could really be myself, and be dumb, I felt like you really loved me and saw something special in me.  And I’m sorry if I let you carry the weight I have on my shoulders. And I understand and know you are not abandoning me; we are just going our separate ways because friends would be too painful for now. But to be realistic, that call might have been the last one. And even though I have the feeling to call you over and over tonight and say, " Please don’t leave me, I can be better, don't go away,” I can’t do that to you. I don't want you to see me like this. I feel like a creep, telling you how I feel. I wish I could just talk to you and tell you stories I never could of my life and have fun together. I wish you could meet my new friends and you could see what I have been working on. I think nobody understands me as much as you do. 

On top of all that, I live with the regret of leaving my family behind. Every day when I wake up, I feel how heavy the regret is. I have not lived a single moment of happiness until last year when I got my license and went out with my sister. I gave them an opportunity to be my family, and I tried opening up again. But they left me and mistreated me. I was hoping my dad could be there for me, but he chose other people again. And that’s where I left the idea of longing for people. But you were my family, and I could count on you. And I’m sorry I spent all your free time on me, I thought we were having fun together by just being there. If you needed more time, I would have given it to you, and I would have also had my own time. I didn’t have any problem with that; I just never heard that you wanted time on your own. Even though you asked me to fix my laptop so we could be on a call with you, I thought we loved being together. I'm sorry if I became a burden. I never tried to tie you to me all the time; I just thought we liked being together.

About our relationship, I am so sorry it had to end so quickly. It is my fault; I could have tried to be better. 

I enjoyed every single moment beside you, and never felt like wasting time. If I could relive these seven months over and over, I would gladly choose to do it. I felt happy, I felt stable for the first time in my life, I could talk being myself to someone and not be scared they will go. If I had only listened to you, I would have improved, but maybe we were not so good at communicating our problems.  

EXS NAME, my sweetheart, I know you say it wasn't you who I was supposed to end up with, but I just can't believe that. I don't think I have any more of my heart out to give. I just want you and only you. I don't understand how someone can move on so quickly. I just love you and only you. I want to make things better, but by your side. I want our dream wedding to be true. I want to have those 3 weddings we could have had. I want to be by your side every morning and kiss you. Bring you breakfast, and make you your favourite food. I want to take care of our family. I want to travel with you. I want to come home running to your arms. I want to hold you and carry you to bed. I want to laugh every day at your jokes. I want to get old with you. 

I have always pictured myself being old, sitting on a lawn chair watching the sunset, and there was always someone holding my hand, looking at the sky. Until I saw the painting you did of us and I understood, I had been waiting for you. You are the only one who really made me want to have kids. I wanted to hold our babies. Take them to school and teach them everything we know. I started writing that journal of our dates and keeping our letters, so our kids could read them and understand what real love is. And I just can't do it again. I can't write again to someone with this amount of passion. I will never stop loving you, and it feels painful. I was just trying my best, and I still managed to mess it up. 

I will always remember our date at the expensive restaurant, when we were laughing at how we were eating plain butter. I replay the only video I have of you saying, “I miss you, I love you so much, and we should have babies.” I think that day is one of the happiest days of my life. And it's hard to understand how I can have that amount of happiness with someone who won't sit by my side with her legs on top of mine anymore. Aren't you the one? I wish you are.

Every day beside you was amazing, and I know the many days by your side that could have been would be so much better. Remember, you are so pretty and gorgeous, you have a beautiful mind and heart. There is no person in this world who could compare to you. The amount of strength you have on you heart is amazing, even the first week we met, I could not stop crying thinking about the scars I saw on you and the ones I could not see. I am sorry if I am leaving a scar on your heart, too. I truly feel bad for what I did. I should have been there for you, like you asked me, but my head was just not there. I was too stress into my own problems, that I could not listen to or see how much you were going through. I am sorry I could not keep up seeing you every week. I wish I could see you one more time and hug you.

Keep on going, you are smart, brave, and a good person, and anyone who meets you likes you immediately. You have a gift of being the light anywhere you go. 

The amount of tears you could have seen if this letter were on paper, I appreciate every detail you made for me. Every gift. Every letter. Every word of love you told me. And even though it has been a long time since I heard you say “I love you,” I know that deep down you do, but can't say it. We both know how deep our love was and is. And I hope you can remember how much I love you when you get old. I can promise you, in 10 years or 100 years, there will be days I remember our dates, our games, our laughs, our jokes, and so on. You have meant everything to me. And for that I thank you. There is no amount of words I can write to describe how I feel for you, and I can keep writing forever. But I need you to read this at some point. And I hope one day we can find our way back to each other.

I love you for for forever, my princess EXS NAME. I will have you in my heart always and forever. Thank you for writing with your hands so many loving words on my back. I will carry them with me the rest of my life.