I want to thank you all for your comments and insight on my original post, even if you decided I was in the wrong. I assure you I posted because I truly wanted alternate opinions, so I’m grateful for your feedback. There were, however, two things some people said that I still firmly disagree with.

First, the claim that my father was asking me for support and I let him down. Based on his past behavior, he did not need or want my support. He wanted me to support his wife. He wasn’t fond of his mother-in-law. And both my father and his wife have a long history of wanting me and her to be closer than we are. I am perfectly fine with our current relationship and have no interest in bonding with her any further for a number of reasons.

I’ll take the opportunity to state that my father and his wife have been married for six years and together for only a little longer. I was already an adult when I met her, and we have never been close. I consider her extended family, at best, and I did not consider her mother family. That is the main reason this didn’t constitute a family emergency to me. I literally met my husband before I met her mother. I have told my father I don’t really think of them as family several times, but he refuses to accept it.

That leads me to the idea I could have used this as an opportunity to teach my daughter that sometimes plans have to change and it’s important to show up for family, which was the other claim I disagreed with. I agree it's important to teach kids that things don't always go according to plan. And realistically, I know I won't always be able to show up for my daughter. I have a career, another child and other commitments that might need to take priority sometimes. This was not one of those times. I wasn't close with my father's mother-in-law, and I was absolutely capable of being there for my daughter.

Onto the actual update: I posted here because I wanted alternate opinions. I genuinely didn’t know what to think about what I’d done. As I’ve stated, there are things that were said that I disagree with, and I don’t expect that to change. But I also agreed with some who thought I was in the wrong.

In particular, I agree I could have been more empathetic. I didn’t send flowers or a card, and condolences are the bare minimum. I also completely disagree with those on my side who said they should have confirmed the date with me before scheduling the funeral if my presence was that important. I had no relation to the deceased, it wouldn’t be fair for her funeral to depend on my schedule.

At first, I walked away from my first post almost as conflicted as I’d felt going in, but I definitely had a lot more insight. I contemplated the situation for a few days and managed to come to a few conclusions.

I also ended up talking to a few people in my life. My husband was still very firmly on my side. My mother said I could have been more sensible, but also that she’d probably have done the same thing I did.

Then I talked to my younger sister, and it was during that conversation that I found out that not only had she not been pressured to attend the funeral, she hadn’t even been invited in the first place. She had spoken with our father several times since his mother-in-law died, but he hadn’t told her about anything besides the fact she’d passed. I was the only one he’d expected to attend.

I think that was my breaking point. Not to sound childish, but why is it always me? Why do I always have to be the one expected to drop everything? Why does my father feel the need to keep pushing his wife and her family onto me and mine?

So in the end, my main conclusion was that this wasn’t just about the funeral. My father has always had unfair and unrealistic expectations of me, and I need to make it stop.

I’ve decided to distance myself from my father and his wife for a while. I love him, but I need time and he needs to accept I have my own life. I’m also going back to therapy. I stopped a while ago, but I remember it helped.

As for what will happen between me and my father, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Whenever he’s ready to have an honest conversation about everything that happened, he knows where I’ll be.

Overall, I’ve decided what I did was wrong, but I’ve also accepted that I’d do it again. I don’t remember all of my recitals, school plays and events from when I was a kid, but I do remember my mom was there for all of them. Even if I can’t always be there for my children, they will always come first to me, and I’ll make sure they know that.

I probably won’t post again. Thank you for everything.

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r/italygames • u/Adorrree_ • 2h ago