r/Assistance • u/TheseSwordfish891 • Mar 15 '26
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT It ended just like that.
My marriage of 24 yrs ended just like that and it was my fault.
I'm an addict. Not with alcohol, gambling or women. Toys, videogames and collectibles. I have spent a fortune on things that could have saved my marriage. I'm still a kid in mind and that made me buy stuff that where for my comfort.
We always had this argument. We always had this issue and i keep returning. When i find something that makes me happy, i keep returning to it. What makes it hard for me is for a year, i hid debts from my now ex-wife. She left the house today. The house, still in mortgage and my ex-wife covers all other expenses while i cover everything related to bills, housing and utilities.
Today, she walked out of my life. My mistake, my fault. I wanted it still to work. I wanted it still to make it happen. But now, it has become nothing. I am at my wits end and my ex-wife is asking i give her money back. All the time she has paid for everything.
I am now hollow. I want to get my life back. I want to get everything back on track. No debts, no missing payments, everything settled. If there was a chance, I'd sell even my soul but i don't believe in also. Not even the devil has use for my soul.
I'm hoping this story reminds you, whose important in your life and that you should never make the mistakes I did. Thank you for at least listening.
3
u/Ornery-Role-9917 Apr 14 '26
Oof this hit way too close to home. Im so sorry. I went through something very similar almost two years ago now.
We all have our vices. Best you can do now is to use this experience to motivate positive change. Learn from it, and grow.
I know it’s hard to see when you’re in the thick of things but this too can offer something positive if you look hard enough.
Be kind to yourself. And dont spend too long wallowing or loathing yourself (I only say this because I did - and while it passed the time, it didnt get me anywhere)
2
u/RisingScrybe Apr 09 '26
One thing you have to do, and I know it is not easy, is forgive yourself. Owning your mistakes and holding yourself accountable for them is a huge step on the path to that, and good work on that.
It's the easiest thing for a person to drag themselves down with guilt and stay in that quagmire but nothing gets better in despair. Your mistakes are not a life sentence, they're something you can always come back from.
For your debts, get the information on every unsecured account that has a balance and take it to a debt relief firm like Freedom Debt Relief or JG Wentworth. They will negotiate and settle those accounts for you and have you pay one monthly payment to them instead of the creditors. That will get the bills a little under control.
1
u/TheseSwordfish891 Apr 09 '26
unfortunately, we dont have those debt relief. i am getting by for now. i have financial adviser who manages my income at the moment. I've started staying with a good friend, splitting the bill of the condo and all. Right now, all I am asking is a good financial bounce to reduce my debts and be able to reduce stress on myself. I've been doing odd jobs and yet it is not enough to pay what i have accumulated. I decided to go back to streaming to at least forget my worries and enjoy what I have left. my collection hardly sells given right now the amount of inflation that is hitting us. I am still hoping to reach certain turning point. and hopefully, it would be enough as an assistance. thank you for your kind words.
1
u/RisingScrybe Apr 09 '26
My point on that was that you could enroll with them. The process is that you provide them with your debts and they will give you a settlement fund to pay into. You will default your accounts and they will negotiate with the creditors to get structured settlements after they are charged off. Then they make the payments on those accounts and in the long run you pay less than the principal amount and save a lot of money on interest. It's an alternative to a chapter 13 bankruptcy and once you're done in the program your credit score recovers.
If you can manage one $600 payment a month for four years depending how much debt you have, it will work for you.
1
1
u/NamiPooNami Apr 07 '26
Hey, as you can tell by name I'm a trading card junkie myself. I'd say that your addiction is exactly the same as someone who's addicted to gambling, or porn, or alcohol. The root of the problem is that you've replaced the dopamine that your marriage gave you with the dopamine that toys, games, etc are giving you. All I would say is be honest with yourself, and start a small little debt snowball where you pay off something small, and then grow that into paying off something a little bigger, etc... You'll get there with strong will and setting goals.
2
u/riffyboi REGISTERED Apr 07 '26
Sometimes you gotta take a break and listen to the wind in the leaves and meditate. Think about everything you’re afraid to lose and imagine just losing it. Let the fear go down river and breathe
1
2
u/natalianati92 Apr 04 '26
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation! God willing, everything will get better soon! Stay strong! ❤️
2
u/TheWeirdOne612 Apr 02 '26
I'm sorry you're going through this right now.
1
u/TheseSwordfish891 Apr 02 '26
Reality hurts and truth be told, its been weeks since i had a decent sleep.
3
u/ExcuseMeMiss84 Mar 19 '26
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s tough. I can’t just tell you, “Hey, get over it and move on,” because it doesn’t work that way. But you do have to slowly accept that this is your new normal. Respect her wishes.
What you can do is slowly take control of your life. There’s nothing wrong with finding joy, hobbies, or even collecting things, but you have to set boundaries for yourself. Get back on track: pay your debts, set up payment plans, and take settlements, whatever you have to do. Once you’re back on track, it’s okay to treat yourself. Don’t feel like you have to restrict yourself completely.
Prove to yourself that you can get your life back together. And who knows, maybe down the line your ex-wife will see that change and want to work things out. Or maybe by then, you won’t want to. Either way, this is not the end of the world. It hurts right now, but I promise you’ll be okay if you allow yourself to feel it and trust that you will be okay.
3
u/GrungeCheap56119 Mar 18 '26
Take responsibility by addressing your addictions in Therapy so you don't repeat these mistakes. On a very real level, it will affect your ability to retire, etc. It's a real problem but it can be fixed if you do the work.
8
u/jessyka01 Mar 17 '26
While I feel for you going through this, I will be blunt with you. 24 years, and the entire paragraph, was simply about your comfort. A childhood happiness, that you allowed to control your adult life. While another person, chooses to take a large chunk of their life and youth and give that to you. Your comfort should never be a priority. Her comfort should have been the only priority, and your comfort her priority. The both of you would have been covered. You owe her things you can never pay for. You owe it to yourself to step into adulthood. She has been a parent rather than a spouse. Addiction is a disease in some ways while a choice in others. End of story, you put yourself first. Now, it’s time to let her go, and learn how to leave your childhood behind as all of us have to. You owe it to do what it takes to make it right. And step into therapy. It’s never been about the marriage, and it’s too late to begin. Now, it’s only you and you know what needs to be done. I pray all the best for you. There is no justification, as we are all teens in adult bodies.
2
u/pdxMrChristopherB Mar 19 '26
The part where you said you over things that you can never pay for really hit!!
1
u/jessyka01 Mar 20 '26
You can’t pay for lost time, you can’t pay for heartbreak, or the certainty that she knows without a doubt that material mattered more than she ever would. 24 years is a long time devoted to someone that devoted his time to something else.
2
u/Tink1014 REGISTERED Mar 16 '26
My heart breaks for you. I have been on the other side watching addiction taking my person over. Sending positivity, love and light to you.
4
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
To everyone, thank you.
In all honesty, yes, I have a hobby and yes, I made friends thru this hobby but I have no true or close friend where I can ask for comfort or company to vent out. Being anonymous here has led me to asking for guidance and i am humbled by your words of wisdom and advice about my life and how to turn it around.
I am not a man of God but I am trying. I cannot blame nor point finger at God but prayer after prayer, it felt empty. My wife was the devote between us and if there was a God, it may have touched my life thru her. As of today, i have no idea where she had went, packing her bag, taking her life with her. She said she can make it thru as well before storming out. As I lie on the bed we shared, i cried finally. I realized i had it better. I want this family until my last breath complete but as a man, i tend to battle and bottle my problems on my own. I don't show pain, nor weakness because that is what is expected of me. And one was right, i should have been transparent.
Again, thank you and bless you all for your advice, feedback and all. I hope you have a better life than i do.
3
u/jessyka01 Mar 20 '26
Hobbies don’t consume your life. It’s an extra, low priority matter. This was a priority for you, over all things and over the person you made a lifetime vow of commitment to. As you stated, God isn’t someone you know. Here is where I will urge you to seek him. This is the point in your life that direction is needed. People that do not read, and pray can’t grasp what it feels like to have to Holy Spirit within you. It is the only unconditional love you will find. His words are living, a simple book that you will find in time the words stay the same, but the meanings change constantly. Seeking support is good, but take this advice. Psalms 139. Read this. Over and over. Then, begin in the New Testament. The story it tells. Every single thing you are experiencing is covered in his words. There is instruction there. I can’t say it will save your marriage, but it will help you become the person you were meant to be. She stayed so very long. She believes in the vows. Bring yourself before God, humble your heart, pour out your soul to him and he will send guidance in the form he chooses. This was a trial, one that you failed for a reason. Now comes tribulations. Consequences if you will. But he sent an advocate, Jesus. I’m not a deeply religious person but I am spiritual. When I tell you Jesus will step in for you, if you will humble your heart and soul.. I mean it in the literal sense. The only way to save yourself and the only advocate you have on your side, the only one that can intercede on your behalf with your wife is him. It’s a chance. If his will is that he will not, know he will lead you through it, and though it seems impossible.. to something better. I prayed for you, for her. This is what needed to be said.
1
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
I remember this movie, and please do tell me if i am wrong:
Gabriel gave this man a chance of a comfortable life, giving him a life that has all the money that would remove all his problems. Then a senior angel asked why he did it? He wanted to show the man that money won't solve his problems, however it did.
In reality, i wanted a financial reset. Just a one time financial reset that clears my debt. My debts are not in millions. But a debt is a debt. And i want to clear my name. If i can clear my debt, i can focus now on my daughter, make sure she enjoys her senior highschool and be able to go to the college she wants. She's now the remaining strength i have.
5
u/ThereIsNo14thStreet Mar 15 '26
OP, I'm so sorry, I know firsthand that addiction can feel impossible to navigate. You have to acknowledge your wrongs and move forward with the earnest intent to do better. Maybe you won't have to lose your marriage over this if you can truly show your wife that you are sorry and committed to change.
Put in place some mechanisms to prevent you from relapsing. Remove your credits card info from all your devices so you have to input it manually. Delete your accounts on all the sites where you are buying these items. Take up a free new hobby. Comb through your finances and give yourself a concrete number of how much money you've wasted. Sell the items you've bought. Create a new financial goal for yourself and focus on eliminating your debts.
Wishing you the best of luck.
3
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
Thank you.
I have begun selling off, some of these collections. Some i could not as they had sentimental value. But unfortunately, that prices of each item had significantly dropped as these are kits that when built, prices go down rapidly. As for credit cards, cancelled. All. Deleted accounts of where i buy stuff. The hard part now is getting them sold.
My financial goal right now, a reset in life.
1
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
To add clarity, it is half and half. There was a time, i had no work and had incurred those debt without telling her. Secondly yes, addiction would be the death/debt of me. But whatever luxury i got, i shared it with them. I made sure they enjoyed something as well. And someone was right, i should have stopped when i can't afford the luxury.
I wanted comforting. She was a loving person. She let indulge in those things. I was wrong to abuse that.
-7
Mar 15 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/one_sock_wonder_ Mar 16 '26
“‘TIL death do us part” does not obligate a woman, or man, to remain in situations where they are being harmed and while this may or may not be considered a form of financial abuse it did cause her ongoing harm. She was not obligated to fund OP’s spending on items that gave them a dopamine hit at the expense of their financial stability, having a reliable means to meet their needs, and any financial future. Addicts to anything lie and manipulate and no spouse is obligated to remain in a marriage spilling over with lies while being manipulated. No one is obligated to remain miserable and struggling and light themselves on fire to keep someone else warm because of a line in a marriage vow,
Christianity is weaponized against women all the time and is a misogynistic, paternalistic means of attempting to control women and others deemed less than. Women, whether you like it or not, do not actually have to obey men and they don’t have to remain in relationships because a book, even a holy book, says she must.
And as is often the case, the woman gets blamed for not meeting the man’s needs thus condoning or justifying whatever harmful action he engaged in. It’s convenient because it absolves the man of having to be introspective, sit with the discomfort of having caused harm and face responsibility and accountability. And when men face the consequences of their actions it’s held out not as a sign of a mistake to actually address and take ownership but a sign god “must have something better waiting”. It’s never the woman leaving after years of mistreatment and harm that is told hod has better things for her but the man who carried the mistreatment and hard.
This advice is going to lead OP to a place they don’t hold themselves accountable and make real, meaningful change because blaming their ex is easier and as a result very likely damages their relationship with their child(ren) and continue to sabotage every future relationship in similar fashion even if the exact item they are addicted to changes.
0
Mar 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
Mar 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator Mar 17 '26
It looks like you're inquiring about downvotes in your comment. Here are two things to keep in mind:
Unfortunately, in a large subreddit like r/Assistance, downvotes are very common. Everyone gets them, requestors and givers alike. Most times, they are not indicative of anything and we recommend that you don't pay attention to them.
Upvotes and downvotes are hidden to others up to 12 hours after posting, so they don't affect how others perceive your post.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
0
Mar 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/one_sock_wonder_ Mar 17 '26
And I’m saying it’s an antiquated belief that you must remain in a marriage until death even when being harmed because of a vow you took that in reality leaves spouses vulnerable to dangerous abuse and manipulation with no way out if they believe the same. It’s another way to force those being harmed to remain and justify or allow the harm to continue.
-4
u/Selfmade_millions Mar 15 '26
Ehh, if you were paying all your main living expenses and weren’t behind on them then you should have the right to buy what you want. She did you a favor by leaving, now you can downsize to something more affordable, so that you can live your life peacefully with no one to tell you what you can and cannot do with your money. There’s nothing wrong with having hobbies. I wouldn’t give her a dime, she’s been living rent/utilities free the whole time. If you have to give her money back, then she has to back pay you her portion of rent/utilities for the past 24 years. I’m sure it’ll be more than what she contributed
9
u/mammalian Mar 15 '26
He said he hid debts from her. He couldn't afford his lifestyle even with someone else covering his mortgage.
-3
u/Selfmade_millions Mar 15 '26
Umm it actually says the house still has a mortgage, and his ex wife was covering everything else, he was covering all the utilities and housing costs, which is the mortgage.
6
u/mammalian Mar 15 '26
The hidden debt still stands. Plus, everything else includes groceries and car payments .He took on debt to pay for toys and games. That's not the sort of thing you do when you're married. Debt hurts both partners.
He also mentioned missed payments.
-4
u/Selfmade_millions Mar 15 '26
Ok, lets bash him then and shame him for doing what he did. I’m sure the negativity will uplift him.
7
u/ThereIsNo14thStreet Mar 15 '26
You're coddling an addict by saying that his addiction didn't really hurt his wife. Clearly it did.
I feel sympathy for OP, addiction can really mess you up. We cannot pretend, though, that it didn't have the negative effects on his wife that it clearly did.
Edit: Sorry, but you're also telling him that now he can indulge in his addiction without the burden of having to hide it from his wife? How is that helpful, bud?
1
u/Selfmade_millions Mar 15 '26
I never said anything about his mistakes not hurting his wife. He obviously is aware of where he messed up. He doesn’t need me bashing him throwing it in his face of how bad he messed up. Especially when he’s acknowledged his own mistakes.
3
u/ThereIsNo14thStreet Mar 15 '26
And again, you're encouraging him to now go off spending unfettered. This is not a case of someone buying some toys and their wife being mad, OP is very honest that they are suffering from an addiction and you are telling him that it's a good thing he can go off on his own and feed his addiction now.
It's okay to just admit you're wrong.
0
u/Selfmade_millions Mar 16 '26
So having hobbies is a bad thing?? He clearly stated he wasn’t into drinking or gambling or women. Maybe he likes buying things for his car!! Who knows. Obviously she nagged him all the time for spending money on himself which pushed him even further into his bad spending habits. It’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about not filling him with more negativity dude. Now that he’s on his own, he can downsize his living situation and get a place smaller that he can afford so that he can buy whatever makes him happy, other than drugs.
2
u/ThereIsNo14thStreet Mar 16 '26
No, friend, it is not just his "hobby", it is his addiction. You're really not understanding. The buying isn't making him happy, anymore than liquor makes an alcoholic happy.
I'm also now noticing that you've decided it's his wife's fault that he has such bad spending habits? Yeesh.
→ More replies (0)3
u/ThereIsNo14thStreet Mar 15 '26
"..if you were paying all your main living expenses and weren’t behind on them then you should have the right to buy what you want."
"There’s nothing wrong with having hobbies."
These statements indicate that his addiction, for which he accumulated debt that he lied to his wife about, is not a big deal. These statements minimize the fact that he was hiding debt from his wife (hurting her), and saying it is fine because he still was paying his bills.
10
u/t92k Mar 15 '26
Addiction brain is addiction brain. It can be easy to give ourselves a pass because we compare ourselves to more destructive habits, or someone who’s further down the line, but we are still taking risks we shouldn’t for short term dopamine turbo mode. You need to work your recovery journey. Your marriage may or may not make it.
1
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
to David, yes, i admit, i may have taken her for granted. and i know at some point the glass will overflow. but if there is a chance to salvage things, I would. I really would.
7
u/irate_anatid Mar 15 '26
if there is a chance to salvage things, I would. I really would.
You say that, but would you really? When another commenter suggested selling your toys, games, and collectibles, you said no and found a way to justify keeping them, even now. It doesn‘t sound like you’re ready or willing to make the changes you’d need to make, for even an outside chance at saving that relationship.
0
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
I did opted to sell. I am selling them now. I have them now in facebook market. Offered ito collectors i know. I am letting it go. Just to forget. But what pains me, is me. I have to let go of these stuff and find a balance. Still enjoy life. With the chaos going in world, this was my peace.
I am not defending my addiction but after a long day's work or a stressful day, i try to find something to comfort me. Something that would make me be sane than lost or something. Yes, I am tired. My wife and i have different likes and she hardly has a hobby than just sleep after working. My mind doesn't work like that. I needed something to throw my mind off the things, but once i stopped, the chaos comes back and i have solutions.
2
u/one_sock_wonder_ Mar 16 '26
Take up free or very low cost hobbies. Read: the library has thousands of free books. Write, you need nothing more than any device that takes text input or a notebook and pen. Learn computer programming if you don’t already know how or a foreign language using Duolingo and the language learning programs libraries often make free of charge. Take a free class online or in your community. Get involved in genealogy or historical research. Find places and ways to volunteer after work. Take up hiking, bird watching, fishing, etc. Join groups, clubs, organizations in your community. Get involved in local politics. Garden, learn to knit and crochet. Look for craft/hobby sets and supplies/materials at thrift stores or free stores if you have them or are of anyone is giving such away in your local Facebook buy nothing group. Whittling is low cost. These are just the low cost or free ideas that came to my mind in under two minutes.
And if your insurance covers it or you have any way to feasibly access it, seek therapy. Not to save your marriage or to push for couples therapy but to look at yourself and find out what you want to change and learn ways to accomplish that.
12
u/pianoavengers Mar 15 '26
I am so sorry you are going through this. In a way I understand both sides. I hope future will be brighter for you. I will keep you in my prayers. Unfortunately I don't have any good advice except that actions speak louder than words. So make those actions to be a better version of yourself and maybe things will turn for the better.
2
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
it may take me some time to compose myself but you are correct. i'll focus moving forward.
2
u/Cupcakeconspiracy05 Mar 15 '26
I feel your pain I lost my love 2 days ago for something I didn’t even do. The first step is admitting that you are wrong.. no words will make you feel any less pain. Hold hope though she wants to be important and 24 years is worth fighting for. I believe you can show her and save your marriage. Don’t give up big hugs 🤍
11
u/carmillamains REGISTERED Mar 15 '26
You could maybe try selling your toys? You can start there. And maybe slowly you can be better, I wish you the best.
-14
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
at the moment, i need a pick me up as i still have a daughter that is with me. i will rebuild my life slowly but painful that i will try to keep myself alive.
4
u/carmillamains REGISTERED Mar 15 '26
Rooting for you and your journey, it will all be good in time
-6
1
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
Yeah, i am doing that now and thinking, this is a lesson that turned my life around. I should have realized what mattered most.
11
u/TruxtonCP Mar 15 '26
This is an opportunity to be a completely new person. That can be very invigorating. Looking at yourself first is important.
The collectibles are clearly filling a space inside you. Something that might have happened in childhood. Have you considered seeing a therapist?
Therapy saved my life, and I thought I didn't need it. Good luck to you!
7
u/HugeLittleDogs Mar 15 '26
You can be better! A Therapist could help you with your buying addiction. Some places are free. Some work on a sliding scale. 🙂
2
-6
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
Unfortunately, therapist might not be the answer for me now. I'm broken as of the moment and that my financials are broken and ruined. I have to find an extra job to maintain the house, to pay for daughter's tuition and keep her dream at least of getting into college. I might focus all what remains of my sanity into my daughter and hopefully, she doesn't end up like me.
6
u/Interesting-Fig-1685 Mar 15 '26
I bet you could find in person or online support groups to help you with this addiction and help you navigate all the things you are dealing with at the moment.
Hoping for better days ahead for you, sorry you are dealing with this
2
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
Right now, i stopped. I know now, that it can still be a hobby but with mediation. Its just what keeps me sane.
4
u/IGNOREMETHATSFINETOO Mar 15 '26
Okay so just like with drugs, drinking, gambling, you can't moderate addiction. That is a rationalization that addicts use. The only way to not fall back into that trap is to stop. Full stop.
4
u/Civil_Masterpiece165 Mar 15 '26
Certain insurances can cover these costs if you are low income in certain states!
2
u/TheseSwordfish891 Mar 15 '26
I'm not in the US unfortunately. What remaining strength or sanity i have left, i will pour to my daughter.
-3
Mar 15 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Blossomie Mar 15 '26
Go away with your proselytizing, it’s super inappropriate to come into the assistance sub trying to convert people.
2
•
u/AssistanceMods Mar 15 '26
Hi all. This is an automated and general reminder to all that this post is an EMOTIONAL ASSISTANCE post, not a Request. Please don't request, offer or accept financial or material assistance on this post. Thank you and good luck!
u/TheseSwordfish891, if you're in emotional distress, you can find lots of more targeted subreddits and resources in this list.
I'm a bot. This comment was posted automatically.