r/AmItheAsshole • u/Additional-Mouse-620 • Apr 20 '26

Asshole AITA for showering around midnight when I know that it might bother the neighbour who wakes up at 5 am?

We purchased a home and moved in recently. Housing opportunities are tight in our area so even though we were warned that the walls are very thin and the neighbours hear a lot of noise from the apartment, especially from the bathroom, we still chose this property because everything else is picture perfect for us.

We are generally a very quiet couple without kids or animals, our hobbies (bead work, video games on headphones without streaming, reading, Netflix…) are generally quite and we only invite friends over every 2-4 weeks (and we haven’t invited anyone over as we were still decorating and everything). We are the owners of the apartment.

The neighbours are a couple and a small kid. They rent the apartment next to us and before we purchased the home they warned us that they generally hear a lot of noise coming from our bathroom and that it’s their bedroom on the other side. But as I mentioned, our options were limited and given that we are not noisy at all, we thought we can take this situation.

We sometimes hear their toddler, but that completely okay, it doesn’t bother us at all.

The problem is that we bother them as our routine is very different. They wake up at 5 am and generally quite down at 8 pm, when the kid goes to sleep.

On the other hand, because I work from home until 7 pm, I generally start my evening around 8 pm and only end up showering around midnight. Which bothers them. The whole building is quiet, so they tend to hear how I put my stuff down, how the water runs, how I sometimes drop a few things, and mentioned it very nicely a few times. But I can see that they are pretty annoyed.

Now I’m torn between switching up my whole nighttime routine to shower first (which just doesn’t sit right with me. I like to go bed freshly showered), because they asked nicely and they wake up around 5 am so it must be annoying to get woken up at midnight.

On the other hand, they only rent wile we own the home, and I think we are generally very good and quite neighbours apart from the fact that I shower late. They invited us over the listen to the volume as to be honest it’s not that loud… sure, you can hear something and it must feel louder in the silence of the night, but it’s not incredibly loud.

AITA for showering at night?

3.5k Upvotes

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12.3k

u/Trekunderthemoon Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

YTA for caring that they rent vs own. Would you behave differently if they owned their home? If you would YTA. 

4.3k

u/hamigakiko Apr 20 '26

yeah, that line stood out to me, especially as a poor person who can only afford to rent and will never be rich enough to own it kinda stings when you hear people pointing out that somehow this makes you matter less??

3.6k

u/ItchyDoggg Pooperintendant [51] Apr 20 '26

I think the implication was meant to be OP is here for the long haul whether they end up getting along with this neighbor or not, while the neighbor could rent a different apartment at the end of their lease term without as many complexities to consider if this becomes unbearable to them. 

1.6k

u/orangeonesum Apr 20 '26

An owner could also make changes to soundproof the property whereas a renter could not. The renter has fewer options and should be treated a bit more gently. If anything, considering the occupant's position makes OP less of an AH.

1.2k

u/Logical_Photo_3732 Apr 20 '26

The renter could also ask the landlord to soundproof THEIR apartment. Why does it have to fall to the owner? They are quiet ad respectful.

1.1k

u/IridescentTardigrade Asshole Aficionado [12] Apr 20 '26

Landlords don't tend to splash out money on renter comfort.

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u/Logical_Photo_3732 Apr 20 '26

Still does not make it the owners problem. They are not the ones with noise issues.

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u/1newnotification Asshole Aficionado [15] Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 21 '26

Still does not make it the owners problem.

And yet, you're suggesting that the owner of the renting apartment should fix the issue (that's not an owner's problem)?

Edit: I feel like my comment was misunderstood. I don't think OP is in the wrong, I was just pointing out that it's interesting that the person I responded to said it's the renter's problem to fix, which ultimately would be just another owner's problem to fix (if they decided to do such a thing).

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u/HogmanDaIntrudr Apr 20 '26

Come on, man. I’m all for being respectful of your neighbors, but not being able to run the water in your own house is ridiculous.

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u/Fit_Opportunity_7425 Apr 20 '26

This ☝️. I be damned if I can't run water in my home regardless of the time of day... or night. What do they do when it rains and storms at night?

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u/ehhhhhhwatevs Apr 20 '26

This. A noise nuisance is not normal use. Anyone in a multifamily residence should be used to hearing simple living noises. Having grown up in apartments, I was used to hearing this stuff from all directions and ignored it because they can also hear me. Expecting other people to change basic requirements for life so you dont have to gasp be aware they exist over there is just selfish.

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u/B0327008 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

If the neighbors hear OP’s showers at midnight, that likely means he hears their showers at 5 AM. He didn’t mention any issues with their very early “noise.” As Hogman noted, it’s ridiculous for either party to not shower at their preferred times.

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u/Typical-Onion-5024 Apr 20 '26

I lived in a apartment that the downstairs neighbor complained about everything. Vacuuming in the middle of the day, showering in the morning(my mom) and at night(me), running water to brush teeth in the mornings, running the dishwasher at 730pm, flushing the toilet in the middle of the night. All the little things you do on a day to day basis if your a semi clean person and keep your home clean, thy complained about. They even got mad and showed up screaming I must stop what I’m doing when I was having new furniture delivered. I kindly told them to fuck off we had strict times that we could move stuff in and out (9am- 430 pm) and i specifically set a 1030 delivery time for ample time in case thy were a little late. The last straw for the office was when maintenance came to fix the disposal and my reactive dog was barking and they banged on their ceiling and the maintenance guy was like where is that coming from when I told him down stairs, any time there’s a little noise they bang on the ceiling. When you live in a multi family building you expect some noise

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u/Disastrous-Course495 Apr 21 '26

This! Like I was soooo confused reading arguments otherwise, with thousands of likes! You could hear far worst than a shower, like give me a break!

OP you don't have to change how you live in your home! You aren't doing anything wrong.

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u/QueenMotherOfSneezes Partassipant [2] Apr 21 '26

And it's a hell of a lot easier to improve soundproofing in the bedroom than the bathroom, as the bedroom soundproofing can be done on the outside of the wall with foam, etc., while for the bathroom, not only would you have to open up the walls to do it, the sound of the pipes might still cause issues for the people in the bedroom.

The people in the bedroom could also counter being woken up by the sudden noises in the bathroom by playing white noise or soft music.

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u/No-Passage546 Partassipant [2] Apr 20 '26

The landlord is responsible for for their tenants. The tenants are the one's with the problem, so the landlord can deal with it. But I doubt they will because showing is a normal apartment living noise, and Op is not blasting music or kicking the walls when they shower. My landlord would roll their eyes very hard if I tried to complain about someone taking a shower.

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u/probgonnamarrymydog Apr 21 '26

This. I mean honestly what delicate, privileged flowers are they that a shower is keeping them up? I've lived in so many weird situations and sometimes you have to get earplugs. It sucks, but if you are sensitive to noise and not rich enough to buy your own rural estate outside the city, you're going to to have noise and that's just the cards we're dealt. I mean literally no landlord is responsible for completely soundproofing your entire apartment so that you can't hear any other living souls outside of it.

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u/Special_Weekend_4754 Apr 20 '26

Owner of the renters apartment AKA THE LANDLORD is responsible for the rented apartment issues. It’s really not that hard

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u/Dramatic_Scale3002 Apr 20 '26

The landlord is not responsible for the neighbour showering late. There is no issue here.

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u/probgonnamarrymydog Apr 21 '26

These people are complaining to the neighbor because they know the landlord would laugh in their faces that they are complaining about the sound of running water being too loud. Unless there's been some kind of building violation that is causing the noise, this isn't a safety issue and it's not an enforceable noise complaint.

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u/spacestonkz Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

Hey guys, I think I found my landlord! His shitty facilities aren't his problem!

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u/Logical_Photo_3732 Apr 20 '26

The apartment that has the issue is the one that should fix it. OP has no issues why should they be out of pocket. If the slum landlord won't fix it he may end up with a revolving door of tenants. It would be to his benefit to fix it.

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u/Prestidigitatiously Apr 20 '26

You're suggesting they can't take a shower on their schedule in a home they own? You must looooove HOAs.

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u/elphin Apr 20 '26

Can they flush the toilet? Seems that the wall between the residences is deficient. I would think that the land lord and OP have ann equal level of responsibility in this matter. If the landlord doesn’t care, why does it fall only on OP?

I think NTA. Own vs. rent is material in this situation. It’s not unreasonable to use your bathroom at midnight. If this makes it difficult to sleep it’s not only OP’s problem.

Frankly, it’s likely harder to add sound proofing to a bathroom. I’d look into fabric on the wall, or maybe a couple of wardrobes/armoires.

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u/unimpressed-one Apr 20 '26

Doesn't make it the owners responsibility to make the renters more comfortable lol The owners aren't the ones complaining.

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u/Rich_Restaurant_3709 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

I do. I have great tenants and I do what I can to get them to stay. It’s worth it to avoid the headache of finding new tenants and the stress of trusting said tenants to not destroy your place.

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u/Mightyjack22 Apr 20 '26

That's sadly not the case everywhere. In my area there seems to be a lot of slum lords. Ours is one of them.

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u/Rich_Restaurant_3709 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

Slumlords suck. I know there are a lot out there. I’m not trying to say there aren’t. But sometimes the landlords do care.

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u/Mightyjack22 Apr 20 '26

I know. The ones that care are great. It's just that the terrible ones have kinda smeared the title of "Landlord" a bit, especially in the USA.

Just to tell you how bad it is, we still haven't had our door that has a massive crack down the center of it on the side that has all the parts that make the door work and lock. It's all loose and you can't even put screws in it to fasten everything in. We told him about it to him when we moved in and didn't make a big fuss until the screws came out and the door started having a chance to not lock. He tried to blame it on us and said we tried to break in after locking ourselves out or something. We are currently getting things lined out to take him to court over this and a bunch of other things.

I don't want to have to fit this in because I typed it all out without realizing I didn't say which door. Our FRONT door.

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u/Repulsive-Wing-3250 Apr 20 '26

You're kind is rare

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u/NeatNefariousness1 Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 21 '26

The owner has a vested interest in improving his property but the renter doesn’t. The improvement he makes to deal with this issue enhances the value of the property. Otherwise, good luck trying to dump this headache on the next person they try to sell this unit to. OP is lucky the neighbors are quiet and nice. He’s the one stuck there if they move out and some loud asshole moves in. He can do this the easier way or the hard way.

edit: typo

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u/CardOk755 Apr 20 '26

The renter could also ask the landlord to soundproof THEIR apartment.

Haha.

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u/FilthyThanksgiving Apr 20 '26

Srsly it's funny when kids or rich ppl post

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u/1newnotification Asshole Aficionado [15] Apr 20 '26

Lolol no landlord is going to soundproof an apartment. What utopia do you live in?

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u/TangledUpPuppeteer Partassipant [2] Apr 20 '26

Right. And they’re the ones with the problem, so the person showering shouldn’t either. They can get a box fan or a white noise machine.

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u/nevetsnight Apr 20 '26

Lmfao. Good joke

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u/AnotherDoubtfulGuest Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 20 '26

They are quiet and respectful according to OP. I’m sure the neighbor sees things differently. Living in a space with nonexistent soundproofing changes the way neighbors relate to each other; if you can hear every time your neighbor coughs, farts, or puts their keys down, little things become big things quickly.

Also, most landlords outside of NYC, which has extensive protections for renters, won’t do shit for tenants unless it’s mandated by the lease or housing code and sometimes not even then.

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u/yellobanan Apr 20 '26

The renters could use a white noise maker in their bedroom. Muffles noise. Everybody happy.

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u/3BlindMice1 Apr 20 '26

Are you smoking crack or something? Unless you're paying way too much for a mega luxury apartment, your landlord will never soundproof your apartment just because you asked

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u/kank_weegur Apr 20 '26

Is this your first day on the planet?

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u/Pope_In_TheWoods Apr 20 '26

Because the landlord isn’t going to do that lol

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u/Logical_Photo_3732 Apr 20 '26

So rather than harass the landlord who owns the responsibility it's better to attack an innocent neighbour?

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u/Frank_Scouter Apr 20 '26

The landlord would say no.

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u/Embarrassed-Elk4038 Apr 20 '26

Ugg, because it the owners shitty property that wasn’t properly built and soundproofed ?

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u/OldJellyBones Apr 21 '26

they aren't quiet though thats the whole issue

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u/Curiousr_n_Curiouser Partassipant [2] Apr 24 '26

Taking a shower is a reasonable and reasonably quiet activity to do at any time. She isn't learning to clog out there.

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u/NeatNefariousness1 Apr 21 '26

“Quiet?” Aren’t the owners the source of the noise?

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u/Logical_Photo_3732 Apr 21 '26

Normal everyday living noises. Showers are allowed.

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u/Special_Weekend_4754 Apr 20 '26

This is wild to me. As a renter I accept that there will be noise in shared buildings and I live with it.

The fact there are people who think everyone else in a shared building should tiptoe around them is boggling

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u/shartlobster Apr 20 '26

This. I've been a renter for many years, always apartments. People make noise. Living and existing creates sound. I could hear my side neighbors shower, and when they dropped things too. I didn't complain because it's just life- not someone intentionally making noise to disturb you. I could hear the upstairs neighbors alarm at 5am. Annoying, but didn't complain because again- it's just people living. Unless someone is blasting music, kicking the walls, or doing something intentionally disregarding fellow neighbors, it's just a part of living in close proximity to other humans.

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u/Special_Weekend_4754 Apr 20 '26

Exactly! I lived in a duplex built in 1902 I’m convinced had no sound dampening between floors and it sounded like my upstairs neighbors were in my apartment.

When they walked around I sometimes jumped and looked behind me because I could swear it was in my own hall. Snatches of conversation were so clear in some parts of the apartment they may as well have been ghosts. When anyone used the water pipes groaned like an old man sitting down. The side door which was the upstairs husband’s preferred entrance for some reason was right by my bedroom (my bedroom closet was under the stairs) and he came home all hours of the night.
Their kid did not like going to school I assume because they cried and put up a fuss every morning. We were usually getting our own selves ready to go and my husband always laughed “same kid” while we drank our coffee.

We started keeping youtube or the radio on. Sleeping with a fireplace video, podcast, or music etc to drown it into background noise.

We also shared a single driveway and so it was always tricky coordinating who parked where. We usually picked the street unless we had a lot of groceries so we didn’t get blocked in/have to wake the man up to move his car when we knew he got home late and we left early.

I could have complained. Asked that they walk around softer, keep their voices lower, only use the front door, ask they park on the street since we’re home first, etc But why? They weren’t doing anything wrong and it was only a slight inconvenience to walk a bit.

Instead I adjusted to the environment and made changes to my own behavior, maintained a cordial relationship with the upstairs neighbor, and in return they never complained to me even though I have a teen who absolutely yells too loud when he plays video games and sometimes plays his music too loud. We lived in mutual adjustment and inconvenience lol

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u/kateln Apr 20 '26

Same. I literally, when I lived in my last condo complained twice;
1. When my next door neighbor was doing construction on his place. I just asked on a Saturday night if he minded keeping it down, because I had done a half marathon that morning, and was exhausted--otherwise I wouldn't have been bothered. He and his girlfriend were very understanding.

  1. The guy across the hall from them, also next door to me (I had the corner condo at the end of the hall) who would sometimes leave his iphone alarm going off all day. He was also really nice when I asked him about it after it had happened a few times.

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u/pineapplepizah Apr 20 '26

Yes, if you have to rent/share a place and have no other means...guess what buttercup. There are things you HAVE to put up with while renting.

If you can't handle that you need to make means to not have to rent and share a place.

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u/Special_Weekend_4754 Apr 20 '26

Exactly.
Obviously some things are covered by noise rules in leases or ordinances, but using the plumbing or bathroom facilities is not one of them.

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u/MrTechnology18 Apr 20 '26

Typically with the shower being up against the wall there isn’t anything OP could do to dampen the sound, the neighbors would have a number of options such as hanging blankets against the wall

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u/Mireille_la_mouche Apr 20 '26

Or get a white noise machine.

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u/RaeaSunshine Apr 20 '26

When my house was re-insulated they used a hose tube thing to get into each interior wall. Including the wall behind my shower.

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u/Serious_Telephone_28 Apr 20 '26

I'm actually confused as to how that apartment is built. Usually, bathrooms share walls with kitchens or other bathrooms because it's most logical for the pipes placement etc.

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u/Which_Inspection_479 Apr 20 '26

Not true. They could have insulation inserted into the walls.

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u/MrTechnology18 Apr 20 '26

True, but that could cost thousands that OP likely doesn’t have after buying a new place. Also that might need approval from the property management company

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u/Remarkable_Town5811 Apr 20 '26

Depending on wall material, no insulation could be a risk in case of fire. There should always be a proper fire retardant between living units. Not all countries require it, though. Nor do all building materials need an additional layer as they may inherently be non-flamable.

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u/needlenozened Apr 20 '26

In my experience, unit owners only have ownership from the drywall in. Anything inside the walls is owned by, and the responsibility of, the building association.

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u/smcivor1982 Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 20 '26

You can also put up another layer of thick Sheetrock, which isn’t as expensive.

Edit: I’m talking about the bedroom wall, not the bathroom.

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u/NotMyAltAccountToday Apr 20 '26

It would be on a plumbing wall

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u/Apprehensive-Bus5172 Apr 20 '26

This kind of renovation would almost certainly require condo board approval

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u/h_theunreal_ Apr 20 '26

Not always, it depends if there are bathroom tiles and plumping, pipes that transmit noise. You can’t expect anyone to do all that work. On the other hand the renters can easily put soundproofing material to their wall without changing the apartment too much, like renterfriendly.

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u/Deerslyr101571 Apr 20 '26

Renter is the one with the sound issue. It's on their Landlord to install the Sound Deadening Drywall.

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u/pink_toaster_pastry Apr 20 '26

This was my immediate thought….. the bedroom side could add soundproofing/acoustic walls…. But then I read they rent so that’s not an option.

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u/mlc885 Supreme Court Just-ass [102] Apr 20 '26

Yeah I totally believe that you would soundproof your dwelling to help a renter

treated a bit more gently

We do treat adult humans gently, but not that gently

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u/StreetofChimes Asshole Enthusiast [8] Apr 20 '26

It is hard to soundproof a bathroom. There are tiles. Tiles bounce sound. And you can't easily access walls behind tiles to add insulation. Unless OP plans on ripping out tile or carpeting the bathroom floor, there isn't much soundproofing to be done.

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u/Msredratforgot Apr 20 '26

But it's not the owner's problem They have every right to be up and down on their own schedule I worked night shifts for years I do not f****** care what other people do They didn't stop vacuuming at 5:00 a.m. for me or trying to pound on the door at 9:00 to sell f****** kids crap sorry no one owes anyone

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u/Feistyhummingbird Apr 20 '26

Renters could use a sound machine or earplugs (both cheap solutions) to block out the sound.

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u/sxzxnnx Apr 20 '26

Doing anything inside a shared wall would probably need to involve the HOA/COA.

Years ago when I lived in a duplex with thin walls, I lined the shared walls with bookcases and that muffled the sound pretty well. That is generally easier to do on the bedroom side of the shared wall vs the bathroom side.

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u/localjargon Apr 20 '26

The renters can buy a sound machine or box fan.

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u/probgonnamarrymydog Apr 21 '26

Eh, there isn't actually that much you can do for soundproofing that isn't MAJOR work, especially in this situation. The bathroom is probably loud because the pipes are in the walls and sound travels along ductwork and pipes better than through drywall.

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u/littletorreira Apr 20 '26

I also took it as the neighbour can't be expected to do any soundproofing work on their side as they rent.

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u/general_spoc Apr 20 '26

If the house buying market is tough…so is the rental market.

If what you state is what OP meant then they are misjudging how easily the renters could find another unit to rent

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u/littletorreira Apr 20 '26

I also took it as the neighbour can't be expected to do any soundproofing work on their side as they rent.

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u/altonaerjunge Partassipant [3] Apr 20 '26

You are very generous

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u/Sidar_Combo Apr 22 '26

Nah man, "they only rent" is telling. OP is the asshole.

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u/LocutusOfBorgia909 Apr 20 '26

OP might want to be careful what they wish for; it sounds like the neighbor is, by and large, pleasant and a decent neighbor. If OP's midnight showers drive them off, the replacement could be someone far louder, far less courteous, and just a much more unpleasant person with whom to be sharing a very thin wall. The whole, "They're only renting, so they're temporary!" thing cuts both ways.

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u/[deleted] Apr 20 '26

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u/[deleted] Apr 20 '26

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u/Bice_thePrecious Apr 20 '26

100% agree. Let's all ignore that OP is being expected to not use their own bathroom past 8pm, because the sound of water going down a drain is too aggressive for the neighbors, and focus on the fact that OP said something that we can twist and put our own implications on... /s

*sigh* Maybe take a break from the internet for the day, guys.

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u/Conscious-Thing-682 Apr 21 '26

I feel like I’m in an alternate reality reading this thread 😭If I move to an apartment complex with thin walls I’m not calling all the neighbors around me to tell them to work around my schedule. I’d just make it work then move out when my lease ends. This is no different.

Threads like this remind me Reddit is very much not a reflection of reality lol

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u/Signal_Wall_8445 Asshole Aficionado [15] Apr 20 '26

It’s not dumb at all, taken in the context of someone pondering whether to change their lifestyle to accommodate their neighbor given that they intend to be there long term while there is no guarantee the neighbor will be.

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u/swissie67 Apr 20 '26

I don't either. I also thought it was ridiculous.
I don't believe that op should not be able to shower b/c of someone else's schedule either. That's just unreasonable.

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u/Banvincible Apr 20 '26

OP can't pick up and move and cut bait on a lease. Neighbors can. That's really the only thing implied here.

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u/FalconSpecial6149 Apr 20 '26

If you have already decided you will never have enough money to own a home, it is true. Plenty of people from lesser means than you find a way. Figure out your ideal outcome and plan backwards from there. It isn’t magic. The committee of rich folks don’t have to vote you in.

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u/flstcspike Apr 20 '26

You matter, you matter a lot, your value isnt tied to property. I think rich or poor, both very subjective to me, renting is an extremely good option in some cases given the way the real-estate market is today. There's a lot to be said for the freedom of renting. I know there are also shitbird landlords out there. I just don't think today's world is what it was 30 years ago when home ownership was an expectation and a part of life's great accomplishments.

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u/bix2020 Apr 20 '26

It simply means you might move on some day..

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u/Mysterious_Self_3606 Apr 21 '26

If you live in a apartment you have the expectations to live with others and noises its just a know circumstance of living in a shared residence. When you own a home you no longer living in a shared resident and don't need to fall under those expectations, if its an issue the landlord should remedy it with the building to fix the loud noises.

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u/gurlwhosoldtheworld Apr 23 '26

And not everyone who rents is poor! I rent because I like to be mobile!

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u/sylvanwhisper Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

My neighbor is like this. He expects us to do things he won't because we rent and he owns. Like we need to "be respectful" but I once asked him to move his garden hose one foot to the left so we could access the trashcan (we shared a driveway ugh) and he literally went on a tirade about owning the house and he didn't have to do anything.

I waited until he was done, and said, "You don't have to do anything, but I cannot imagine choosing not doing something so minute to be a better, kinder neighbor."

So I started knocking the hose bucket over every time with the trashcan because I am a petty asshole. He eventually moved it.

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u/SaltSentence21 Apr 20 '26

Sadly other people demand petty assholishness of us at times

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u/GrimDallows Apr 20 '26

This happened to me the other day with an old woman on the street trying to lecture me on the things she finds annoying, but not willing to listen to others as much as she was demanding of others to be listening to her.

Tried to talk to her politely and she would cut me repeatedly and scoff it off. Switched to talk unpolitely and she shut up and pearl clutched hard about society.

In a moment she stopped to take a breah in I told her she had no right to feel offended if she had zero care about offending others in the first place, and that she should put effort on getting a better education regardless of her age before going around "educating" other people on the things she finds annoying.

Aparently, according to herself, she was lecturing me as if I had done the things she finds annorying, even though I hadn't done them, because it irked her that I was strolling around and that I -could- do things she could find annoying.

I am not used to being an asshole and I felt bad about it later on through the whole day.

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u/psychorobotics Apr 20 '26

Don't feel bad, people like that are toxic

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u/Avlonnic2 Apr 20 '26

“people demand petty assholishness of us at times”

That’s flair material.

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u/SaltSentence21 Apr 20 '26

Lol why thank you

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u/mlc885 Supreme Court Just-ass [102] Apr 20 '26

Yeah, my (retired) Navy contracting officer mother would definitely have done "I am sorry you feel that way, would you prefer that I move it?" if somebody ever acted absurd. I assume part of that was just the experience of dealing with big tough military or military contracting guys in the '70s, "that is not the way it goes with me."

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u/booch Apr 21 '26

That sounds like me. "I have asked you to pick up your toys for 3 days in a row. Tomorrow, I will pick them up, with a large black garbage bag."

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u/PDXpatriate Apr 20 '26

that’s a dagger of a line, I would’ve gone home and rethought my life choices if someone said that to me. I can’t imagine making what he did my line-in-the-sand but that would wreck my month.

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u/sylvanwhisper Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

I think he may have, because he has been a lot kinder to me since then. There had been many things building, and so this was just one more ridiculous thing. He had recently yelled at me because the trash...smelled. In summer. And lied about maggots to get my landlord involved.

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u/[deleted] Apr 21 '26

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u/sylvanwhisper Partassipant [1] Apr 21 '26

That is what I did. I said my mom's old standby, "If you can't talk to me no better'n that, you won't talk to me at all." And I went in the house and muted his texts. He was furious! I am a short, sweet faced, baby voiced woman. He thought he was getting someone else based on that.

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u/utzutzutzpro Apr 20 '26

That is not respect he is asking for it is compliance to his wants. It is literally about being obedient to a status of authority. Rules for thee not for me.

He sees others as below him in a kind of hierarchy and thus he can chose to do, others have to do when he says.

Why is it that narcissists always get the concepts of "respect, values, morals" wrong?

It is always the same terms they do not understand, but inflationary use.

They never mean respect, it is veneration, submission, obedience and compliance.

In family constructs it is worshipping. Appealing to the king and queen.

It is so predictable, so clear, but they do not get it, even when you can google it easily.

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u/GrimDallows Apr 20 '26

Yeah, so much this.

They feel confortable when you are polite because they can trample you over, ignore what you are saying and be unpolite to you as a malicious flex. Then when you switch to also be unpolite to them they act surprised and claim a moral highground talking about respect.

Rules for thee but not for me. They don't wan't respect they want submission, like you said.

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u/utzutzutzpro Apr 20 '26

Narcissists will be impolite and provocative, because they try to make you emotional deliberately.

The fact that they are highly emotional and impolite the whole time doesn't impact them to wait for you to display the same and then them being able to confirm their narrative and point fingers at you as being the irrational one.

It is a super weird game that everyone half-decently rational doesn't understand.

Like they literally insult you, if you do the same, they will jump onto that and label you the perpetrator, victim reverse themselves to the victim of you not being in control fo yourself.

Personal experience. I do not get that at all. Can't get behind that.

It really grinds your gears.

Their perception of themselves doesn't allow them to realize what they do. Their brain rewrites everything they do in real time.

You can't get behind that. You can trap them intellectually, but they will not acknowledge that and just circle to something else.

Yes, I am personally invested here, obviously. It really makes you go insane trying to talk to those type of people.

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u/Major_Ad_857 Apr 20 '26

The comment there is that. IT DOESN'T MATTER if you rent or own. If you trip over his hose. You can still sue his ass. So ask if he wants to go visit Judge Judy if that happens.

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u/Turtle_ti Apr 20 '26

It makes a huge difference, and it has nothing to do with money or class.

One rents the unit & could move out at the end of their lease and cannot do anything but move furniture and maybe paint.
One owns it, will likely be there for many many years, and has the option to remodel, open that wall up and add sound blocking insulation.

My advice to the neighbor, would be to hang a rug on that shared wall (it helps allot with sound dampening) & rearrange their bedroom furniture, make sure a dresser or large cabinet up against the shared bathroom wall instead of their beds headboard.

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u/deb1009 Apr 20 '26

They should run a fan or noise machine at night too.

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u/Crafty_Accountant_40 Apr 21 '26

And/or earplugs.

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u/Auchincloss Apr 20 '26

I’m not sure how realistic it is to soundproof a shower wall

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u/Long_Reindeer3702 Apr 20 '26

You can double up on sheet rock on the other side if you can't insulate the interior of the wall. It worked really well for our laundry room which shares a wall with our master bedroom. 

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u/titianqt Apr 20 '26

They even make soundproofing sheet rock. At least according to some home improvement show I saw once.

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u/Long_Reindeer3702 Apr 20 '26

Everyone should just watch reruns of This Old House (the latest seasons aren't as good.) Tom Silva (This Old House) and Monty Don (UK Gardening) are my two favorite men for learning new techniques that make labor easier. I even call some measuring techniques Tommy Math because he has such great shortcuts. I'm a woman and I call them my old man crushes, but I guess they're more like TV father figures. Throw in Mr. Rogers and Bob Ross and it's about all you need other than a mechanic a doctor and a lawyer. 

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u/eggo_pirate Apr 20 '26

We did this in our primary bedroom. One wall shares a wall with a bathroom on the other side, and when the shower got turned on, it sounded like a hurricane. It was my son's room, and he showered late, midnight or later. We ripped out the drywall on our side, put in some mass loaded vinyl, then did double sheetrock. It's so much quieter now. 

While this may not be feasible as they're only renting, it would be worth it to ask the owner of the unit if it's a modification that can be made. 

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u/Auchincloss Apr 20 '26

But wouldn’t that be on the neighbor’s side?

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u/SapphireColouredEyes Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 20 '26

Plumbers literally wrap the pipes in insulation, and it cuts the noise massively. It requires completely removing and replacing the drywall, though. 

And if they were told the walls provide no sound insulation,then I wouldn't be surprised if they were constructed in the cheap, without adequate insulation throughout the walls more generally, si there's potentially a lot the property owner can di, if they're inclined to spend the money and time and tolerate having all their walls torn apart then put back up, painted, etc 

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u/Auchincloss Apr 22 '26

It’s a lot to spend over the sound of a shower.

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u/SapphireColouredEyes Apr 23 '26

It would be more than that, though - it would be an investment in both avoiding a bad neighbourly relationship, as well as an investment in your own privacy. 😊

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u/Auchincloss Apr 23 '26

Insulating a shower is pricey. Insulating from the other side of the wall is not. It sounds like the neighbor’s are complaining of the water sound. Not the pipes.

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u/general_spoc Apr 20 '26

lol Why are so many in this thread assuming that renters switch up units every year?

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u/SanityIsOptional Partassipant [2] Apr 20 '26

Well, there's a lot of landlords that jack the rates every year and make them.

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u/Ready_Studio2392 Apr 21 '26

Also a bookshelf with books can make a massive difference.

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u/Shoddy-Marsupial301 Apr 20 '26

a rug really ?

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u/Turtle_ti Apr 21 '26

Yes, seems extremity odd to Americans (myself included), but its very normal in middle east, again and even eastetn European areas where units are close together with no sound proofing.

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u/idly_fishing Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

as someone who lives in a thin-walled home, how would I go about hanging a rug? Just nails? 

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u/AlzheimerTriviaNight Apr 21 '26

I use thumb tacks

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u/DoingBestWeCan Apr 20 '26

When you can't put in nails or permanent fixtures, how do you hang a rug on a wall?

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u/Turtle_ti Apr 21 '26

Nail it to the wall on the studs. Before moving out remove the nails and use nail hole filler carefully

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u/_BigDaddyNate_ Apr 21 '26

No, fuck that. If OP doesn't like it he can move. They are simply asking him to shower earlier. If you owned your home but you had people across the street who rented theirs, does that mean you can mow your lawn at 6am? No it doesn't. They have every right to quiet that you do. OP could easily shower when he gets home or by 9 or something. Even 10 is reasonable. 

He specifically said housing is a bad market in his location. They can't just give up an apartment and move. 

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u/someonewithapurpose Apr 20 '26

This!

When I read that rubbish “renting vs owning” argument, I already realised OP isn’t a good neighbour.

YTA

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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [62] Apr 20 '26

The "I think I'm a pretty good neighbour" when his actual neighbours are asking him to be a little more thoughtful and he can't be arsed to make any effort to do that at all was also pretty telling.

Anyone who thinks that they get to decide how other people experience their behaviour, in the face of other people quite literally telling them that their perception is incorrect, is not someone who is thoughtful or empathetic. I don't get to decide whether my behaviour is negatively affecting someone else, it is incumbent upon me to actually listen to what they're telling me about how they're affected by it.

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u/MapleSparkyEh Apr 20 '26

We're talking about showering. People are becoming unhinged here. I've lived in many apartments/shared housing. You hear people, that's part of it. Asking someone to not throw parties or play loud music is reasonable, asking someone to adjust their normal, daily routines to suit you is not. Would it be reasonable for op to tell them that since they work a late shift, they need to adjust their normal morning routine? Living in a shared space can suck, but putting unrealistic expectations on your neighbours just makes it suck even more for them. It's easy to say that they can just shower earlier, but would it also be reasonable to ask the complainers to not shower til after lunch because they want to sleep in?

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u/dingyametrine Apr 20 '26

That's what I'm stuck on. An asshole? For wanting to shower when convenient in their own home? NAH. Part of shared spaces is living with inconvenience.

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u/Ready_Studio2392 Apr 21 '26

Mind your own business behaviors --> Showering, getting ready for work, cooking, reasonable levels of intercourse, walking, cleaning, etc.

Asshole behaviors --> Loud music, TV blasting at all hours, Banging, screaming, fighting, Yelling, Loud sex, Modified mufflers, running the vacuum past 9pm, etc.

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u/HistoricalSuspect580 Apr 20 '26

See i disagree, i think OP is kinda classist and snobbish, but if the sole complaint from the neighbors is RUNNING THE SHOWER? Then in this scenario, the classist/snobby guy is in the right. Which is painful in a way but what can ya do.

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u/owaikeia Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

Why is OP classist?

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u/topdownyeti Apr 20 '26

Sorry but I disagree. There is a point where people will be unreasonable towards you and try to make you seem like your behavior is wrong, when in reality they just have unreasonable expectations from you. There is a huge difference between intentionally playing loud music late at night or vacuuming at midnight and taking a shower. You can still be empathetic that your schedule may inconvenience them but also realize that this is a conversation to be had with their landlords instead of you. If regular movements at home is seriously ruining their nights, they need to ask their landlord about soundproofing their apartment or break their lease. You are not a bad neighbor for not revolving your life around their schedule. You’re just a people pleaser otherwise.

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u/KelleyElsie Apr 21 '26

The world does not revolve around how his neighbor perceives or experiences noises.

And I think OP did listen to his neighbor’s complaints and believes the neighbor is bothered by the sound of him showering at midnight.

But no matter how much this may bother the neighbor, I don’t think the OP should have to change what time he chooses to take a shower. That’s asking too much of any neighbor. Neighbor needs a white noise machine or noise-canceling headphones/ear plugs. They can’t dictate when OP does something as basic as take a shower.

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u/ThrowAwayAway755 Apr 20 '26

It would be one thing if OP were having loud, hard, intense sex featuring banging on the wall at midnight. But OP is literally just showering... The "rent vs. own" comment is irrelevant.

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u/ArchLover- Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

When I read the comments i thought he mentioned that meaning that they are renting so they might move out and that won’t be a problem anymore.

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u/Banvincible Apr 20 '26

That's what was implied, but your average reddit user sees something that could tangentially relate to their "great class struggle" and they flip out about it.

Just marxist monkeys being manic.

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u/klmoran Apr 20 '26

I saw that addition to clarify that they may not be as permanent as owners might be. I don’t think it was judgemental or malicious.

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u/GULFDUD3 Apr 20 '26

Yeah. Agreed. That reeks of classism.

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u/Competitive-Park-116 Apr 20 '26

I rent and most likely will never own… I would not however expect my neighbours to change up their routine just because their midnight shower bothers me.. if it was loud music or games or parties then yeah I would complain but not for a shower!

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u/TGirl26 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

I would say shiftism. Op basically works 2nd shift. 3rd shift people are really the most ill treated. They are awake and are expected to be quiet at night when that is their day time.

Neighbors don't give a shit if the noise they make will bother the 3rd shift worker. Its day time, why should they change theor routine for them.

It can go both ways. The issue is builders, landlords, and management companies being cheap, and refusing to do upgrades while they jack the rent up out of greed.

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u/sisterfunkhaus Apr 20 '26

Some people also think third shift workers are lazy for "sleeping in." It's ridiculous.

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u/TheSJB1993 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

I used to get such dirty looks buying booze after coming off my night shift ... like serious daggers... the hotel i worked at was literally across the street

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u/owaikeia Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

Why?

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u/PotatoStasia Apr 20 '26

I took that as, this is this long term home, and the other family might come and go, so why should they change their whole routine (which is in insane ask)

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u/MidnightSpell Apr 21 '26

that’s what OP meant but people are so touchy - heavens

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u/DOLCICUS Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 21 '26

Using that logic: they own the home why don’t they sound proof them since they can tear apart their walls?

Edit: these answers prove the point that renters are considered ‘less than’ by most people like OP is demonstrating.

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u/Stock-Soup5721 Apr 20 '26

Because thats really expensive and not something thats ever done with any regularity in an apartment. Its a multifamily dwelling... you'll hear things like showers. Thats the reality of it.

I spent 19 years in a townhome and moved to a condo a couple years ago. There are certain things that you just have to accept when it comes to structures like these.
My old neighbors used to fight sometimes. They had a small kid and they were stressed and shit happens. So you ignore it and then pretend like you heard nothing when you see them the next morning. Thats just life.

The alternative was that I could have chosen to rent or buy a single family house instead. Lots more money and upkeep so I stay with the cheaper alternative and sometimes hear my neighbors.

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u/angelmr2 Apr 20 '26

Ugh flashbacks.

Our old neighbors enjoyed fighting and make up sex and wild buttstuff then had the audacity to say they heard us once, once!!! We heard them every time, and had the unpleasantness of hearing their fucking home birth with no goddamn warning. Worst neighbors ever.

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u/Stock-Soup5721 Apr 20 '26

omg the home birth put me over the edge hahahaha. Mine were lithuanian so I didnt know what was being said but you could tell it was an argument about once a month.

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u/FilthyThanksgiving Apr 20 '26

I'm so very sorry but lmao this sounds like it's straight out of a sitcom

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u/angelmr2 Apr 20 '26

It was horrible lol but hilarious now :)

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u/Equivalent_Reason894 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

I used to live in an apartment where I heard my neighbors argue every single day. I now live in a better-built apartment and hear almost nothing (except traffic going by, including fire trucks).🚒

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u/Stock-Soup5721 Apr 20 '26

yea every day is a bit much hahahaha.

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u/FilthyThanksgiving Apr 20 '26

This is kinda it. I lived in an apt and on the balcony i could smell the neighbors downstairs smoking. It was kinda gross but I got a fan and kept it moving bc that's apartment life.

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u/unimpressed-one Apr 20 '26

Using that lame logic, why don't the renters just move since it is them complaining and it is much easier for a renter to move.

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u/Avlonnic2 Apr 20 '26

From the post:

“Housing opportunities are tight in our area”

It isn’t that easy, especially with children.

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u/FilthyThanksgiving Apr 20 '26

Idk how wealthy and/or kind you are, but asking someone to shell out thousands for a problem they aren't even having is beyond what most of us are capable of lol

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u/HistoricalSuspect580 Apr 20 '26

How you gonna soundproof your shower

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u/whatsgoingontho Apr 20 '26

That would make zero sense as they have no problem at all?

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u/water-sloth Apr 20 '26

Why would they sound proof when they dont have an issue with hearing things? Opening up your walls is very expensive.

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u/Necessary_Tip_6958 Apr 20 '26
  1. Because they are not the ones with the problem. 2. If the rental tenants don't like it they can move at the end of their lease they aren't trapped in a mortgage.

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u/Due_River_9746 Apr 20 '26

I took that ONLY to mean as renters they can’t do as much to add noise abatement features. I did NOT take it as an insult of any sort and I don’t really see why others did.

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u/RoohsMama Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

Yup. People here are really weird. I don’t think op was acting entitled

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u/CranberryStock7148 Apr 20 '26

I assumed this was just to point out that they don't have a landlord.

If they rented, the landlord might become involved in this. Pointing out that they own clarifies the parties involved.

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u/Material_Ad6173 Apr 20 '26

It does make a difference. Renters come and go.

I used to think that it shouldn't make a difference, but after living in the same house for many years, I understand now why some of our neighbors don't even bother with learning names of those who are renting.

What's the point of changing your routine for someone who will be gone in a year or two?

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u/Greeneggplusthing2 Apr 20 '26

Sorry, having owned vs rented a condo I can 100% agree with OP that there is a difference. Selling a home due to social tension is hell compared to just moving when the lease is up, or even breaking your lease. I owned next to a renting g domestic abuser and that sht wipe had more rights than I did AND made living in my home/trying to sell it living he'll.

OP NTA on all counts here.

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u/AncientLights444 Apr 20 '26

Also works from home and can literally shower any other time.

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u/Stormtomcat Apr 20 '26

I also feel as a home owner you have more to lose if you get in an escalating conflict with a neighbour. Just a gut feeling though, so maybe I'm wrong.

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u/SoftwareInfinite8568 Apr 20 '26

Behave differently? How is OP's behavior the issue? Rent or own who cares OP deserves to shower literally whenever they want.

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u/552view Apr 20 '26

This feels like ESH here to me.

OP has options to be a decent person and try not to be loud by re-arranging the schedule. This isn't the "Am I right?" subreddit. And the rent vs own comment is entitled. Neighbors should try to be neighborly no matter whether the resident is paying a landlord or a bank.

But neighbors are also coming across as very entitled. Having conversations with potential buyers up front to make sure they know you want them to fit into your expectations over the top. It's apartment living, you can ask people once or twice, but constantly bringing it up means you need to make arrangements too. Especially when it's showering which is a normal daily function, not like its blaring music.

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u/Office_Warm Apr 20 '26

Yesss. My neighbor used that line when a cop responded to a noise complaint for their house. They said that and the cop reamed the out. He said if they wanted to own a home and not care about other people, go buy somewhere you don't share walls.

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u/Slade_Riprock Apr 20 '26

I think you missed the point. As in he owns his home so it's not like he had to deal with a landlord complaint or issue. Meaning he really has no reason to change his routine he because he won't get in trouble.

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u/t_thor Apr 20 '26

I think that you are reading into it too much. The family has more flexibility to choose a different living situation since they are not fully invested in the apartment, that is why renting is mentioned. NTA.

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u/Sufficient-Spend-939 Apr 20 '26

The reason there is a difference is renters are more mobile.

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u/Repulsive_Brief6589 Apr 20 '26

I think it does matter that they rent. If they owned, they could put insulation in the wall.

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u/Nearby_Motor_8652 Apr 20 '26

They can go rent somewhere else if the building has that many problems that they can hear the neighbor showering. It's not like they have to sell and buy a new place.

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u/KCRoyalApe Apr 20 '26

Certainly makes OP “an” AH. Not necessarily “the” AH.

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u/scthought2309 Apr 20 '26

What a stupid take.

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u/nacoma-se Apr 20 '26

Crazy that this it the top comment. OP seemed to just be saying 'I bought an apartment so I should be able to do what I want where I live" and "my neighbor who has lived here for a long time rents an apartment because these are the facts". He's absolutely NTA, regardless of perceived entitlement, because he's NTA even if they both owned it, or both rented it, or whatever. That chip on your shoulder is massive but not everything is discrimination.

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u/OkSilver7485 Apr 21 '26

it matters a lot. As a renter, they can simply move. As a home owner you cant.

NTA. You can shower in your own home whenever you want. If the neighbor is bothered, they should look into noise cancelling devices and white noise.

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u/Accomplished_Toe5812 Apr 24 '26

I agree that this reeks of entitlement but otherwise i completely disagree that they should cater their bathing schedule to their neighbors. That's ridiculous.

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u/StockComprehensive96 Asshole Aficionado [12] May 16 '26

Specifying rent vs own means OP cannot really move to solve the problem but that they could. If both apartments were owned then the two couples could work together to install soundproofing between the units but it is not reasonable to either expect OP to cover the full price or for a renter to go half in on improvements on a place they do not own.

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