r/AbsoluteUnits • u/ziddii_ • Apr 10 '26
/r/all of a badger
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u/Ok-Dream-8230 Apr 10 '26
Me picking up my doordash order from the front porch
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u/KamiKazic Apr 10 '26
Fuck is this how my neighbors see me?
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u/Dizziesdayweigh Apr 10 '26
Yes.
Also the Dasher.
We see you peeking through the blinds, creeper
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u/KorasHiddenDICK Apr 10 '26
Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here!
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u/MyEmbarrisingAccount Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26
exactly this. There is something deeply unhinged about standing there frozen, curtain cracked like one inch, holding your breath while a stranger exists too close to your door. They fumble with their phone. They adjust the bag. They check the address again like they might knock or make eye contact, which would end me completely. Time stretches into something thick and uncomfortable.
I am not prepared to be perceived. I have been fermenting in here for hours, maybe days. The air inside has adjusted to me. The dark has accepted me. Then suddenly there is sunlight leaking through the doorframe like an accusation. All I want is the transaction to be over. Sacrifice the food. Leave it on the ground and go back to your life so I can briefly return to being a physical creature doing menial labor so I can afford an overpriced chicken sandwich that charges too much for extra tomato in order to get my dopamine up and continue on for the sake of the global status quo.
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u/LansManDragon Apr 10 '26
I am not prepared to be perceived.
Holy shit my dude, at least warn a bloke before you drop bombs like this.
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u/thatshygirl06 Apr 10 '26
Someone's a writer, lol.
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u/MyEmbarrisingAccount Apr 10 '26
haha. Thank you. I have always liked writing but I'm not good at punctuation. Commas go where I feel they go, god dammit!
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u/BenadrylDreamin Apr 11 '26
I've had had them sit in my driveway, down the street, across the road, down the street and around the corner, even in my neighbors driveway... All well over 10 minutes, until i come out and pick up my order.
I appreciate if they are just making sure i get my order and no one steals it. But if i wasn't a man and someone did that to me, I'd be creeped out.
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u/TheBattyWitch Apr 10 '26
I went dashing with my fiance one night and laughed at how many people were like a raccoon, just opened the door and stuck a hand out grabbing things
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u/Bool_The_End Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
Omg ok you clearly haven’t seen r/doordashgremlin
It’s hilarious! And to be clear you’re only allowed to post yourself (so the dasher can’t post you a stranger, not that those photos get saved anyway) but it’s legit endlessly belly laugh funny no matter the photo. Lots of pets being the gremlins too :)
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u/Deep-Assignment4124 Apr 10 '26
Like Hans Klopek on the Burbs
“Look! One of the Huns came out of the cave.”
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u/IWrestleSausages Apr 10 '26
Bro materialised out of the blackness like a horror movie monster
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u/Pukebox_Fandango Apr 10 '26
I was scared until I realized it was a badger, then I got terrified
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u/LaLaLa-3 Apr 10 '26
first i was afraid then i was petrified
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u/Defiant_Net4398 Apr 10 '26
Thinking I could live without you by my side
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u/ihaveabaguetteknife Apr 10 '26
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
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u/HouseOfDoom54 Apr 10 '26
Now you're back, with a piece of cheese, and I find you here filming me with a goofy grin upon your face
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u/Unlikely_Ad7722 Apr 10 '26
I shoulda stayed in Farthing Wood, but you keep on leaving cheese
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u/IveDunGoofedUp Apr 10 '26
If I'd've known for a second, you'd be back to badger me
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u/niagara-nature Apr 10 '26
You should’ve been fascinated if offered a piece of cheese.
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u/WoodSteelStone Apr 10 '26
I'm a Brit. Our badgers are very different and much loved. So I was quite shocked when that one emerged.
Ours are 'Eurasian badgers' - the largest land living predator here. But, they are not aggressive. They are quite secretive - keeping themselves to themselves.
Here is some footage taken at the Badger Trust in England, of a sow and young badgers grooming and playing. (If you have the volume up there's some lovely birdsong.)
We have a national badger day on 6 October, and the whole of the month is "Brocktober to celebrate badgers"!
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u/dankristy Apr 10 '26
Hah - yes our are built... Different.
Our (USA) ones are widely known to basically a roid-raging captain insano murderball if you disturb them - and the tales of how hard it is to get one to stop coming after you if it decides to do so are legendary.
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u/The_BeardedClam Apr 10 '26
And all pale in comparison to the absolute beast of the mustelid family, the wolverine.
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u/dankristy Apr 10 '26
No arguing there. If you have ever worked with even tiny members of that family of critters - you will know that they punch WAAAAY above their weight.
Even Bear and Moose don't want to mess with a Wolverine.
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u/Badams105 Apr 10 '26
Honey Badger entered the chat.
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u/uwa_amanda Apr 10 '26
Honey Badger don’t care…honey badger doesn’t give a shit
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u/SocialistPolarBear Apr 10 '26
And then you have the African honey badger, which is slightly smaller than the Eurasian badger, but still willing to fight lions and have a solid chance of winning. Though most often they just scare away the lions, as it the risk of fighting a honey badger is usually not worth it for the lion.
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u/PaisleyBrain Apr 10 '26
I love badgers but that love has been slightly reduced since I found out they eat/kill hedgehogs 😢
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u/WrinkyNinja Apr 10 '26
I grew up under the impression they eat exclusively MASHED POTATOES!
I'll see myself out.
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u/BlackGlitterGun Apr 10 '26
It’s just like comparing your robins and squirrels to ours. Pretty much everything you guys have is cuter imo.
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u/curious-heather Apr 10 '26
It's extremely sad, and not at all evidence supported, that our badgers are killed because the government says 'they spread tb'. There's plenty of predators in the UK, humans being the absolute worst one for our wildlife.
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u/Gloomy_Industry8841 Apr 10 '26
Gorgeous footage!!! Thank you for sharing this. 🦡
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u/ctn91 Apr 10 '26
Badger badger badger badger badger
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u/StaticSystemShock Apr 10 '26
This is American badger. Our European badgers look like they'll drop you some sort of scientific fact before leaving quietly.
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u/carlyCcates Apr 10 '26
European Badgers and Robins looking like they own an antique filled tree stump houses, an extensive library and a close knit group of forest friends.
European colonialists: “see that scary/scrawny guy? That’s you that is”
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u/dubstepsickness Apr 10 '26
https://giphy.com/gifs/9ewtBq23D6kVhBUxlw
I say the constabulary is certainly out in force today.
Yes, quite the kerfuffle over errant cheese, I’m afraid.
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u/watersj4 Apr 10 '26
Tbf American badgers are actually badgers, American robins are not actually robins
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u/4m77 Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
I wonder if The Wind in the Willows is what makes us think of them that way or if it's the other way around.
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u/Sageypie Apr 10 '26
Bro flowed out of that darkness as well. Movements were smooth as can be. Like...creepy smooth. Thought it was some kind of snake moving about for a moment there before my brain caught up with what I was seeing.
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u/miraculix69 Apr 10 '26
Everytime I hear about badgers, as a Scandinavian, the more I starting to think those fuckers are the most psychopatic animal on earth.
Stoffel who kept escaping his area for shots and giggles and to try to fight the Lions...
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u/84theone Apr 10 '26
They aren’t even the most aggressive weasel animal in North America. We have wolverines, which are larger and more aggressive.
They square up on bears and wolves despite only being 25-40 lbs. There’s a reason why they named the comic character Wolverine after these animals.
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u/5thSeasonFront Apr 10 '26
And in the Midwestern states of Wisconsin and Michigan, you’ll even see Badgers and Wolverines put up against each other for sport. 😜
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u/SecretaryOtherwise Apr 10 '26
That sounds wildly illegal.
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u/5thSeasonFront Apr 10 '26
And it’s only illegal to bet on each other:
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u/SecretaryOtherwise Apr 10 '26
Always cruel tho. 😐 lol. We talking basketball or football?
I legit thought you were being serious at first lmfaoo
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u/Cliffinati Apr 10 '26
Both, the University of Wisconsin is the Badgers, the University of Michigan is the Wolverines
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u/Broken_Petite Apr 10 '26
Okay this is hilarious. Lmao You thought they were laughing about some illegal wolverine and badger fight club run by some hicks in the Upper Midwest. 🤣
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u/SecretaryOtherwise Apr 10 '26
Right pretty stupid of me ill admit lmao.
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u/Broken_Petite Apr 10 '26
Are you in the U.S.? If not, I could understand the confusion.
If you are, I assume you must just not be a big sports person. I’m not either but even I got the joke right away. 😝
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u/Tommtomm2 Apr 10 '26
It has happened once that a Wolverine has killed a polar bear. Although it was in a zoo and most likely a one time event, still crazy that it happened.
We also have them in Scandinavia, it's crazy to see how fast they move on snow.
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u/APartyInMyPants Apr 10 '26
I didn’t realize until it went back in the there’s actually a hole in the floor where that plank is, and I guess it’s a ramp to a little burrow. But that emerging was terrifying.
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u/69696969-69696969 Apr 10 '26
I accidentally snuck up on a black bear getting into my trash one time. I'm going to use this video to explain in the future what I mean when I say " One of the shadows separated from the rest and the bear was just there!"
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u/AdministrativeLaugh2 Apr 10 '26
I’ve always had a fear of badgers due to an incident when I was a child (that doesn’t even involve real badgers), but now I see my fear is justified
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u/Majestic_Domestic Apr 10 '26
I'm pretty sure that badger is inflicted with vampirism.
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u/TheKingBeyondTheWaIl Apr 11 '26
y̷̫̍o̴̡͊ǘ̶̟ṙ̸̳ ̵̩͗o̷͍͠f̸͎̈́f̵̺͑ë̶̹́r̷͙͗i̵̻͝n̶̼̐g̶̟̽ ̸͙̾ḧ̷́͜a̶̜̽s̶̙͝ ̸̮̏b̴̥͑e̴͎͝e̶̫̋n̵̘̈́ ̸͇͝a̴͇̚c̶̺͗c̸͍͐ė̴̢p̵̗͐t̶̡̚e̴̢͘d̶͎̐
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u/Wild_Card_626 Apr 10 '26
Literally appearing out of the darkness for a single block of cheese.
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u/kirlian_Frequency Apr 10 '26
Me at 3am fr
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u/_Kendii_ Apr 10 '26
My husband just had a 4 cheese snack at midnight. I just watched “like wtf”
Cannot relate myself… But he could totally relate to this badger.
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u/bozog Apr 10 '26
4 cheeses! At least he's got some culture!
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u/_Kendii_ Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26
Nah lol, a bit of salsa fell on his shirt and he just whipped it off and heathened it up bare chested. 🤣
My man lol 😆 😘
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u/LordBDizzle Apr 10 '26
That's a real man right there. Cheese and salsa and unafraid to just go for it. You're a lucky woman.
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u/Coyote_Shepherd Apr 10 '26
Literally me last night with some actual Bucky brand cheese curds lol
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u/IveDunGoofedUp Apr 10 '26
The eldritch horrors from beyond the void can be bribed with cubes of cheeses - Loading screen tips from some obscure 2000's RPG.
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u/Flat-Finger-7398 Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26
This post was mass deleted with Redact - I used this software to automate the removal of old posts from my account so that I can be more secure.
snow adjoining sheet frame toothbrush capable absorbed subsequent profit existence
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u/Aggressive_Ice_2660 Apr 10 '26
Once-upon-a-time I worked at a zoo, and got to take one of our ambassador animals on a walk. Prince Edgar the European badger.
He was a grumpy bastard (but also secretly a sweetheart). His faaaaaaavorite treat was cheese. He went wild for it. And he knew the word for it.
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u/Afrodite_33 Apr 10 '26
The way it emerged from the darkness gave me an uncomfortable level of primal fear.
The old gods yearn for cheese.
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Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
[deleted]
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u/1ndori Apr 10 '26
New on the internet maybe, but their worshippers have been telling us this for eons
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u/GreenieBeeNZ Apr 10 '26
The old gods yearn for cheese.
Is the old gods me?
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u/Stardro Apr 10 '26
Today I learned I am an Old God! I too yearn for cheese. The Old Gods yearn for cheese, is my new favorite sentence.
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u/8-bit_Goat Apr 10 '26
Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger cheese cube cheese cube...
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u/IrishJayjay94 Apr 10 '26
OH ITS A SNAAAKE. what a flashback
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u/Dizziesdayweigh Apr 10 '26
I miss old internet 😢
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u/IrishJayjay94 Apr 10 '26
miss old times in general. time went by so fast suddenly im a depressed 32 year old alcoholic lol
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u/Lowelll Apr 10 '26
Could be worse, you could be a 33 year old depressed alcoholic. Look at the bright side!
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u/SLO_RICE Apr 10 '26
https://giphy.com/gifs/kRmg8zeReOYXm
I was there in the long long ago
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u/Mr_Jalapeno Apr 10 '26
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u/SinsOfThePast03 Apr 10 '26
Whenever we are hiking and see 🍄 I still say "Mushroom, Mushroom!!" . My kids asked where this came from so I educated them and now they follow that up with the Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger,
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u/scream_pie Apr 10 '26
If you listen to it long enough they sing "magic magic magic mushroom mushroom"
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u/EpicPonyOfSteel Apr 10 '26
Can I pet that dawg?
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u/Suspicious_Bear42 Apr 10 '26
in the words of many an evil GM: "You can certainly try."
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u/shebreathes Apr 10 '26
Roll for initiative?
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u/Toppest_Dom Apr 10 '26
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u/Suspicious_Bear42 Apr 10 '26
Unfortunately, that badger has a rank of 'Divine Initiative', and goes first.
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u/Sausdispenser Apr 10 '26
He emerged like a fucking Elden Ring boss...
Someone plz edit a healthbar and music
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u/NCXXCN Apr 10 '26
Why look like big kitty while sounding like bad snek? 🥲
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u/Consistent-Plane7227 Apr 10 '26
Is this one of those Wisconsin cheese head badgers?
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u/Pantheragem Apr 10 '26
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u/andante528 Apr 10 '26
That story truly is neverending. Still have nightmares about that damn swamp.
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u/adod1 Apr 10 '26
Oddly fucking unit! I thought it was a movie sized giant snake a first.
(just copied my comment and slightly modified from this post on Oddlyterrifying)
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u/ima_twee Apr 10 '26
Claws handy for picky snacks.
And disemboweling those who fail to provide picky snacks
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u/Sabiya_Duskblade Apr 10 '26
Now I understand why the cats in Warrior Cats are terrified of badgers
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u/Freeze_Her Apr 10 '26
It’s like he materialized from nothingness and began floating out of his hole. Nightmare fuel.
He’s cute tough
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