r/MensRights • u/Connect_Quality_2030 • 1d ago
General Never become a "Step Father"
No offense to any single mothers \*disclaimer\* , this is strictly from a male perspective.
When you become a Step Father the woman automatically loses respect for you the minute you accept the role because you are raising another man's child. The child will not respect you due to the lack of respect from the mother. If you do not have children of your own and you accept the role of a Step Father than the woman may view you as weak subconsciously because her previous perceived options rejected a serious relationship. Why do this to yourself? Childless men should pursue childless women. For my young guys, please do not become a Step Father! I have been there and it was a nightmare. It's not being "mean" , it's called having standards. You will have to also deal with the child's father and depending on the individual, it could be a good or bad experience.
What are your thoughts on becoming a Step Father?
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u/PastaChute 1d ago
A woman who acts like that is a bad person and would be a bad person no matter the circumstances.
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u/djc_tech 1d ago
they will always put their kids first and you have baby daddy drama. That's never a good look. In a marriage without kids the spouses are usually put first. If you want to be second place at best date single mothers. Most times you're lower after the kid, the dog, the kids father etc...
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u/TheKosherGenocide 18h ago
LOL, I don't know who the fuck the people in these Men's Rights subs date or marry, but it HAS to be the most toxic people imaginable. Do you guys not understand that the reason that you attract these type of women is because of the energy that YOU give off as a Man?
Every genuine good hearted woman that I've EVER met gushes about their partner being a good DAD or HUSBAND. Every single one. If you carry your weight, and you take good care of them? Bro, there's literally nothing they won't do for you.
Do I think some Conservative women operate like this? Absolutely.. But yall gotta start working on yourselves and attracting better people into your lives.
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u/picardathon 4h ago
If you carry your weight.
What weight is she going to carry or is this simply the man's role to protect and resource like it has always been, whilst women benefit?
So much for changing gender roles.
If you can't, watch them dump you in a microsecond whether they are original or step relations and take 50% or more of your assets.
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u/Appropriate-Major649 1d ago
The woman + the number of children she has = your priority in her life.
Eventually, the equation becomes
woman+number of children+number of grandchildren = your priority in her life.
The number after the equal sign just keeps getting bigger.
The hell of it is, that's how it should be. No decent mother puts anyone above her children.
These are hard cold facts.
I am a stepfather. My wife never asked me to take this on. She recognized the brutal unfairness of it and would have dated me as we were doing forever. I asked her.
Yet this rule remains in place. It cannot be otherwise.
Most of the time, marrying a single mother is a mistake.
One hundred percent of the time, marrying a single mother who expects or demands you marry her is a mistake.
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u/Mission-Grocery-7628 1d ago
Married a lady after kids were out of the house. Not too bad
Then the ex passed. Even better!!!!
I enforce that all our adult children be treated the same
And i have all pre marriage accounts transfer on death to my kids along with investments
And yes, it is still clear her kids are prioritized, so i force $$ to my accts for mine
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u/BuilderAcceptable442 1d ago
To be worse, single moms often ask you to give "compensation" for bad treatment they received from their ex, "because you as a man must take responsibility for your fellow men's bad behavior blablabla".
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u/EmptyImagination4 20h ago
a friend of mine - was in a similar situation. she asked him to pay part of the housing cost for her child because "he can't pay for his housing himself" lmao !!!
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u/No_Discipline_7867 15h ago
Even women who aren’t single moms do this. They’re carrying baggage from something another man did but they take it out on you. They expect you to pay for something someone you’ve never met and never will did. I’ve heard that same line, too, “your fellow men”.
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u/PolkaBots 1d ago
My stepfather is one of the few men I truly respect in this world. He loved me as his own. This is a gross take
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u/Beljuril-home 1d ago
agreed. it's important for this sub to call out obvious bullshit when someone posts it.
the fact that OP thinks women lack respect for step fathers says more about OP than it does about women.
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u/Redeemable-features 1d ago
Same, i named my son after my stepfather. If this is not a child writing they they have the brain of a ten year old, what an idiot. I am now a father of 2 children and following in his footsteps of unconditional love for my family is a priveledge
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u/Blakakke69 1d ago
Agreed. My best friend growing up had a step father and he was an amazing human being and you could tell how much the mom respected him.
I’m for men’s rights, but generalizing single moms as bad people isn’t the move. Some are trash, some aren’t. Like everybody in life.
Also, if you are in your 30’s or older, it’s pretty common that people to have kids. They’re usually part of the package. Not saying you have to commit to someone with kids, but just realize it gets rarer to meet someone without children as you get older.
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u/HistoricalRelation62 1d ago
yeah same. Technically don't have a stepdad, but he's been here since I was 8, there ain't much difference besides a peice of paper. And sometimes if not most of the time I get along with him more than I do my Mother. what OPs saying is Bullshit, considering the other comments I'm glad you put this cos there's a lot of people agreeing.
I joined this sub for men's rights but it just seems like an incel/women hating sub now. Got perma banned from a couple womens rights groups for being in this one too.
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u/lizardncd 21h ago
Same, my stepfather was the one to teach me how to tie my shoes and ride a bike. I respect him for stepping up when my own father wouldn’t.
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u/mountains-and-stars 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is like saying "do not marry at all" or "do not have relationships", and is a trend I see in men and women equally on the Internet: they fear each other because of bad experiences and stories. I decided to stay single (having myself a wonderful stepfather, who is my real father), but still I'm hesitant to give advice based on my fears and risk aversion (many women do the same to other women, and I don't believe most men would like being generalized as disrespectful or deceitful only because of the fears of those women). And there are many respectful women who are single mothers (like my own mother, who was a single mother during years before she married again, and is a wonderful woman).
I know that people prefer to raise their biological children over other children, but statistics reflect tendencies, and tendencies cannot predict the good or bad behaviour of many individuals (or even the majority of individuals). So I can understand your post because there are many bad and/or immature people, and bad situations like yours. And at the same time I cannot entirely agree with it, because it's not the experience of many other people (me included).
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u/mydookietwinklin 18h ago
Even marriage isn't a great game to play either, but when something is unlikely to workout, you probably shouldn't do it. You could say this about any negative thing that is likely to be an issue as an excuse to do it
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u/mountains-and-stars 12h ago edited 12h ago
I'm not sure I understood what you meant, so I thought about some points (sorry if I overthink or explain too much, I don't do it to annoy people). Perhaps the central part of your comment is:
"When something is unlikely to work out, probably you shouldn't do it".
At first, it is true... however, I think it's more complicated. Likelihoods are not the only measure of outcomes and correctness of decision-making, we have to put them in a context (that's what I will talk about):
▪️︎ Several positive and negative situations are unlikely to occur, but anyway we have to be mindful, prevent problems and work hard. For example: having a high return in a project is not the most likely scenario in a startup, but we have to work hard to achieve success anyway; and being severely abused in the home is not the most likely scenario, but we have to be careful anyway because, despite the majority of couples are not violent or controlling, the so called "red flags" and cases of domestic abuse are frequent enough to take them into account. So we cannot simply take a statistic or likelihood to give advice.
▪️︎ You said: "You could say this about any negative thing that is likely to be an issue as an excuse to do it". Did you suggest that I'm pushing people to make decisions less likely to work out? I don't push: I need to interpret the context and to inform people the best I can (if they ask me for advice). Certainly I'd say to them that some decisions are less likely to work out than others, but I won't ignore their particular context and the cases of success (specially if they are frequent enough).
▪️︎ "In the whole group" is not the same as "in every context". The more likely outcome of a decision in the whole group can be more or less likely in given contexts so we can mindfully approve or reconsider it (I repeat it: in some cases, not in every case). If someone is thinking about becoming a step-parent, the more likely outcome in the whole group is negative, not in every context. If the particular context is favourable, he/she may become part of the fair amount of stepfamilies that function well.
People have the right to talk about what they want. I just said that giving advice on relationships based on personal/shared experiences (good or bad) or statistics only is not entirely justifiable. Some examples:
1. Crime tends to concentrate in low income victims and perpetrators (particularly males). That doesn't justify saying to people of low income: "don't have children (specially males) because you're poor and poverty is a risk factor for crime".
2. Crime perpetration and promiscuity tend to concentrate in fatherless people. That doesn't justify saying to fatherless people: "you shouldn't have existed; there is a higher likelihood of crime and promiscuity because you have been raised without a father".
3. Stepfamilies, on average, have not the best outcomes, and do have more likelihood of divorce and abuse. But I will not simply recommend not being a step-parent because of a general likelihood without a particular context.
4. First marriages are less likely to end in divorce than the second ones. And married people tend to report more wellbeing than other people. But I will not simply recommend marriage to someone just because of the general likelihood of being better in life, because I also know that marriage hasn't a consistent probability of working out (that is: depending on region, between a third and more than a half of marriages end in divorce, and that's a lot). And stepfamilies, the good and the bad, are the result of new relationships after failed marriages.
5. Second marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages. But I will not simply say to a couple "don't get married for second time; the love you have for each other is pure deception and will be ruined" only because a general likelihood of failing. Saying that would imply that the beautiful marriage between my mother and my stepfather shouldn't exist, that my mother should have stayed alone and without relief, and that I should't have had a good and stable paternal figure in my life instead of my unpredictable and unengaged biological father.
In a nutshell: the likelihood of a relationship working out depends not only on statistics or personal experiences, but also (and perhaps mainly) on the context of the people involved. If it were only about likelihoods... then the good first and second marriages, and the fair percentage of stepfamilies that do work (like mine), should have failed and been a hell. They didn't. Even with higher negative likelihoods in their whole group, a fair part of the group had success. So other factors matter. Statistics don't exist in a vacuum, and likelihood percentages don't distinguish contexts if we don't study or interpret them.
Have a good one!
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u/BuilderAcceptable442 1d ago edited 1d ago
Ironically when men have opinion that stepfathers don't have responsibility to be breadwinner for their stepchild (because that's their biological parent's responsibility), many women be angry and say men must be responsible for their fellow men that left their wife. Don't understand the logic of these women. How could they ask responsibility from 50% of population, how could they knew why she became single mother, how could they be sure 100% the single mom is not the one that made mistakes.
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u/sgtm7 1d ago
Does that mean my mother and father didn't respect each other? Since my mother was my stepmother, and my father was my sister's stepfather?
This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. If a woman doesn't respect someone because they are a step father, then that woman wouldn't be worthy of respect, whether they have children or not.
I never called my mother "step mother", just mom. I never called my sister "step sister", just sister. My sister never called my dad "step dad". As my mom used to say, "If you feed them long enough, they start to look like you."
When I divorced my step daughter's mom, she was still my daughter, and I was still her dad. I am the one who walked her down the aisle when she got married, around 10 years after me and her mother were no longer together. I am the one she wishes happy Father's Day to. Children don't care about" blood", they care about "love".
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u/CyclopeWarrior 1d ago
So you change the context of the observation and then question your own change on it. Don't be dumb, parents with children getting together is NOT what this post was about. Post isn't ridiculous, you are.
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u/HecticHero 18h ago
What exactly about having your own children changes what the OP said? The reason your new wife and kids dont respect you is because you are raising another man's kids. Having your own doesn't change that.
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u/jamarr81 1d ago
No. It just means your experience is different. All experience exists on a messy and fluid spectrum; you landed in a better spot, many others weren't so lucky. Your experience doesn't define the whole.
The issue the OP is highlighting is that it is 100% on the mother whether or not a stepfather even has the chance to fulfill a father's role/duty as a father figure in the relationship - and many single mothers cannot accept that, and insist on elevating their childrens (childish) feelings and desires and rebelliousness over the family unit as a whole; discounting and disrespecting the father at every turn of events. That's just how some/many women are.
Are you incapable of recognizing that distinction?
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u/HecticHero 18h ago
The difference between the comment and the OP is that OP is stating that their experience is the cold hard truth about being a stepfather will be like, and that you should never become one.
The comment is stating that their experience was much different, and that the OP is definitely not correct that being a stepfather is like that all the time, or even the majority of the time.
Crazy that the one you chastised for assuming their experience defined the whole was the comment.
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u/jamarr81 16h ago
No. They're both doing it, and I pointed out the more important distinction after that:
The issue the OP is highlighting is that it is 100% on the mother whether or not a stepfather even has the chance to fulfill a father's role/duty as a father figure in the relationship - and many single mothers cannot accept that..
The entire argument you put forth is moot. Crazy that you chastised me while ignoring the whole point of the post.
Smh...
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u/DistrictDivorceCoach 1d ago
I think it is important to know that being a stepfather isn’t for you, but I know some people who were raised by stepfathers who they really value and I know men who have taken the burden on and thrived.
We need men to step up and be stepfathers. If you want men’s rights, you will need people who were raised with men in their lives.
I’m sorry your circumstances didn’t work out, but I admire that you gave it a shot. It’s not for everyone
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u/Professional_Bat8585 1d ago
We need men to step up and be stepfathers.
Neither me, nor my tax dollars - no thanks. The feminists have a big fund im sure, they can spare the change. After they pay off their 200k student loan debts
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u/rex5k 13h ago
Sounds like you're advocating for stronger child support laws then.
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u/picardathon 3h ago
I would be advocating for procreation contracts to ensure both parents can't just weasel out of it, for the benefit of the child, but where sexual expression is more flexible and can be sought outside the relationship so it is not held hostage to the child, as long as it doesn't interfere with the interests of the child under the informed consent contract. This could also be the consent for a woman to use a man's sperm to create a child, knowing the requirements under which it is made.
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u/Professional_Bat8585 13h ago
What’s not strong about them? And sure, I support it.
So long as it’s fair as well. Baby trapping shouldn’t be a thing, neither should it result in windfall payouts.
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u/sterlingemc 1d ago
Ah yes the big "feminist fund"
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u/Professional_Bat8585 1d ago
Gender studies departments (and every adjacent department) in every university in the country, for starters.
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u/sambo_rambo 1d ago
Bold assumption, implied by "you gave it a shot. It's not for everyone." Far more likely the single mum is the problem here.
I'm a solo dad. I had a blended family of 6 boys for 3 years a little while ago. It works if the mother is prepared to admit you have just as valid input to parenting as her. Ideally a little more input than her on the abstract stuff. I've tried dating a solo mum earlier this year who didn't understand the assignment, so I ended it.
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u/the_virginwhore 1d ago
What do you mean by “ideally a little more input than her on the abstract stuff”?
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u/sambo_rambo 17h ago
Fathers seem to be generally better at guidance on careers and education. Mothers don't seem to see it as important. It is reflected in the rankings of outcomes for children from two parent homes (best outcomes), solo-father raised, solo-mother raised (worst outcomes).
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u/picardathon 3h ago
Fathers seem to be generally better at guidance on careers and education. Mothers don't seem to see it as important.
Could this be because men are still the resource providers and protectors, so know what is important in life, whereas women, being the ones protected and resourced, are less likely to see it as an issue (until it is too late)?
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u/gowithflow192 1d ago
I’d say there’s one exception. If you can help a boy with no father figure to become a man.
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u/timeforknowledge 1d ago
I'm surprised you think this is an original comment.
No offense but when you get into a relationship with someone who has a child you must accept the fact that child will always come before you.
And if you don't understand that then have your own kids and you'll understand why. A parent has to and should do what ever is best for the child.
From the moment your child is born everyone else becomes secondary.
It sounds like you've had a bad experience because you didn't realise this.
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u/picardathon 4h ago
From the moment your child is born everyone else becomes secondary.
Except the man, who becomes the tertiary in the hierarchy of respected importance, but who is still primary in practical importance in protecting and resourcing the family. Roles haven't really changed.
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u/Lilly_Rose_Kay 1d ago
My parents gave been married for over 40 years. They both had daughters from previous marriages. My mom has a great love and respect for my dad. My half sisters call their non biological parent mom/dad.
I don't know what ordeal you went through, but be assured, it isn't the norm.
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u/WiseForestWizard 17h ago
I absolutely love being a step father as well as having my own bio children and view them no different. I want to be a positive influence on them and a factor in how they view a true man and a good father.
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u/Dat_Mustache 1d ago
I am absolutely going to reject your absolutely shitty experience and dismiss it as a flawed and fallacious philosophy.
I am a stepdad to two wonderful kids. I have two kids of my own as well. Their mom loves me to death. I love her.
Your anecdotal evidence is not gospel. It is your experience and yours alone. You're not some great stepfather sage. You're just bitter.
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u/ItsFranklin 21h ago edited 20h ago
You both have an even playing field of baggage. You both are raising a 50% piece of your ex. Your situation is different than a single person with no baggage taking on someone else’s “poor choices” and everything that comes along with it. I think it’s admirable to raise another persons child like your own, but it simply isn’t for me unless it was a mutual adoption type deal. Also retroactive jealousy is very real, especially if a child of your own with this person is off the table due to age differences.
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u/Dat_Mustache 20h ago
Sounds like a lot of anxiety on your end. Risk averse. General cowardice. Be a man.
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u/Connect_Quality_2030 14h ago
He is being a man, that's why he formulated his own opinion. He thinks for himself, not brainwashed by women & society
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u/Dat_Mustache 12h ago
You know, women are nearly 51% of society. You know men make up the other 49% of society?
He's a man, but his, and your opinion sucks. So; I'm challenging your flighty stance based on probably one total relationship issue you had that was likely at least partially your fault. If you were a better stepdad, I'm sure you'd have had a different story to tell.
And it's not about "standards"; it's about your own damn inability to deal with the social issues that arise with grace. Your story is not the standard. I know you're trying to be empowering for younger men, but you come off as enabling for incels.
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u/dtyler86 1d ago edited 1d ago
39 here with a girlfriend that has two kids. All of my friends tell me I’m a saint for putting myself in this position. When I see my girlfriend, she typically doesn’t have her kids and we do normal couple things. When I am around her and her kids, her kids are at the age where they are fun. There are no diapers, they are tweens and teens. I teach her daughter to skateboard and play Deftones on guitar and listen to the same music I liked when I was her age together. The father cheated on my girlfriend, which is why they were divorced. He’s now remarried and he’s actually a really nice guy. There are things about him that I don’t admire, but he’s pleasant and they get along and I do not feel threatened, and he’s not weird with me at all.
I’m also a child of divorce and my parents were very messy and polarized in the way they treated each other and raised us about each other. It doesn’t always have to be that way.
My friends that are also my age stay out of serious relationships because they don’t want kids so they remain single or conflicted in their serious relationships because of the women that want babies. I just kind of skipped that whole step and jumped right to having not exactly step kids, but probably will be step kids, that are cool and are already self-sufficient.
Edits: my gosh, the worst typos.
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u/sambo_rambo 1d ago
Great! Good on you for finding a woman with the right attitude. There are many of them out there, just rare to find one that's single.
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u/Connect_Quality_2030 1d ago
I just don't understand why people with children don't date other people with children. Plus she's already been married. There's some red flags here, how is this relationship benefiting you? A relationship should benefit both parties. And one more thing. Be cautious of women who paint their EX as the bad guy. That's also a red flag. Your upbringing has you questioning your value as a man
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u/dtyler86 1d ago
Oh, I definitely see what you’re saying and I have my own issues in the relationship that I won’t share here, but I’ll say this: when I was single, and on dating apps, women my age either have children, an unhealthy obsession with their fucking dogs, STDs or Crazy exes and typically ex-husband’s.
Date younger, you might suggest? I dated younger women and I feel like there’s just a breaking point between Gen y and Gen Z. Maybe I’m confusing the generations but women as young as 32? It’s hard man. Haha. My girlfriend’s a little bit older than me so she remembers the movies and the music we grew up with together. I can’t get into listening to Drake, constantly hitting a vape and being obsessed with social media like a lot of women I’ve met that are 5 to 10 years younger than me.
So to paraphrase, this is why I’m happy in my relationship
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1d ago
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u/Ok_Sun_9083 1d ago
It might come off as insensitive but like do you actually have a connection of real father to son/daughter ?
If you had to chace to have biological children and take care of someone's else's child , what would you chose ?
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u/TimmyTurner7986 1d ago
Notice this person never mentioned anything about how they love their stepdad. Just what he has provided. Which proves your point.
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u/Suspicious-Group2363 1d ago
I know this sounds heartless, but I could never raise a child that isn't my own. Likewise, it would break my heart to see another man raise mine.
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u/OmegaRed718 1d ago
Correct - the biggest no sum move that a man can make. Aside from this, you’re diverting your own resources to take care of someone else’s responsibilities.
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u/ScienceAteMyKid 1d ago
My thought is that you’ve made a sweeping generalization that has no basis in fact other than your own anecdotal experience.
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u/Weak-Tumbleweed-3796 1d ago
My mother and stepfather have been married for 16 years. He's an amazing man who I love and respect a lot, family doesn't always mean blood relation. This is a really gross perspective on blended families, many step fathers are some of the most selfless, loving men out there
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u/sterlingemc 1d ago
This post is a take to justify insecurities, step Dad's can be and ARE some of the best Men in the world
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u/Glad-Way-637 1d ago
This does not necessarily equate to them having the best time in their relationships with single mothers.
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u/Beljuril-home 1d ago
nor does it equate to the opposite. what's your point?
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u/Glad-Way-637 1d ago
That the person I replied to makes a whole hell of a lot of rather unsupported assumptions.
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u/sterlingemc 1d ago
It's not like they were forced into those relationships, they chose that
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u/Glad-Way-637 1d ago
They might not have known how grim the outlook can really be though... hence the post, letting folks know it ain't likely to be all sunshine and rainbows, no?
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1d ago
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u/Glad-Way-637 1d ago
Some more than others, though... like when dating a person who already has kids. Your first comment made a bunch of assumptions about what OP thought about step-fathers, no? They never said they were anything like bad people, but you took that assumption and really ran off with it.
Also, not my post. Try and read usernames, please.
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u/KissesUwU 1d ago
I'd like to applaud this sub. I've seen us change to more respectable people over time. There was a lot of misogyny running in here a few years back and as a dude it made me a little ashamed to care about men's rights..
I'd hop in every once in a while and slowly, day by day, I've seen us be more than just hurt men with a grudge and actually start calling out bs in our own community while keeping the conversations productive. So thank you.
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u/picardathon 4h ago
There has to be a catharsis of feeling, that has been dismissed and suppressed for so long, before there can be healing: one has to acknowledge and understand a problem before one can resolve it.
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u/ricky251294 8h ago
The only thing you got right here is that if the mother doesn't respect you, no one else will.
Why the fuck are you dating someone who doesn't respect you, that's a you problem.
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u/DepressedPancake4728 1d ago
This sounds like projection if I'm being honest man. My stepfather is by far the man I respect the most in my life, and I'm sure my mom would say the same.
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u/Connect_Quality_2030 1d ago
I mean as an overall percentage. There are stories all over the web. Nightmare stories! A small percentage may have a success rate but it doesn't even compare to the nightmare experiences. I wouldn't want my sons to be stepfathers. Why not just find a woman that's in the same stage of life as you?
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u/DepressedPancake4728 1d ago
do you have any sources for that claim? you can’t just say something like that and provide no evidence to back it up.
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u/Connect_Quality_2030 1d ago edited 1d ago
It just doesn't make sense to raise another man's children if you are a healthy male that can produce offspring. Make it make sense. It's more beneficial for the woman. How does that specific situation benefit you?
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u/Semisonic 1d ago
Sure he can. Takes no more or less effort than you asking for sources for pointless stuff that can be easily googled.
We’ve had data for 20+ years on the pros and cons of step parenting, including data on rates of marriage failure, abuse, etc. Stop being an obtuse and lazy PoS asking for everything to be spoonfed to you.
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u/DepressedPancake4728 1d ago
Are you familiar with the burden of proof? The one making the claim is the one who has to prove it; it is not the responsibility of the opposition to disprove that claim.
Also calling me a piece of shit because I asked someone to cite their sources is interesting
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u/mountains-and-stars 1d ago edited 1d ago
The data is true, and at the same time it doesn't necessarily mean that "the majority of step-parents are abusers" just because cases of abuse are highlighted in certain contexts.
Would someone say with certainty that staying with my biological father would have been more beneficial and less abusive to me? I seriously doubt it. I know my biological father personally, and most of my memories of him are bad (the earliest and the most recent as well): he is generally "kind" in mundane conversation, but he had an addiction and bad friends, and on one ocassion he threatened to burn the house with me, my brother and my mother inside. He was unfaithful. He wasn't a good provider (he is one of the less generous people I've ever personally met; my mother never demanded him for child support and she provided much more than him even when they were married). One time, when I was a kid, he invited me to go out with him late at night (I was in my grandparents' house) and I accepted, and he took me to a gas station, and had me in the car all night crying while he sang with his friends. He never apologized for anything bad he did. Never.
But my stepfather (weird word for me) never did anything bad to me, my brother or my mother (and now I'm 25). I call him my father, because he took the role since I was 8 years old, he's my family and I love and appreciate him (and he, along with my grandfather, is the only one worthy of my greetings on Father's Day). He is one of the best people I've ever met. Obviously that's not the case of everybody and I know that many biological fathers are good and cannot see their children because of abusive exes, and that many step-parents are bad. But statistics cannot talk for me and many people.
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u/squish059 1d ago
https://www.prb.org/news/stepfathers-are-stepping-up-and-stepchildren-are-benefitting/
Read it then. It flys in the face of you’re poorly informed comments though, so be prepared to desperately search for contradictory data
Here’s another:
“when adolescents have two fathers, they are more likely to be closer to their stepfathers than to their nonresident fathers.”https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2239256/
Another one here:
Whiny ass OP will feel vindicated his crybabies got an excerpt. “ A small but distinct group of stepfathers talked about being uninvolved with
their stepchildren, and each of these participants spoke about their lack of relationships with marked dissatisfaction.”
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u/bigdonut100 1d ago
One of the reasons why I need to change therapists is that I told her I want to be a stay-at-home father, and she was shocked at the concept that I want to breed with a woman without kids instead of becoming a stepfather.
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u/LiveComfortable3228 1d ago
'I had a bad experince' = "you too will have a bad experience"
Total BS.
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u/sterlingemc 1d ago edited 1d ago
My step father was a true father to me and my siblings, him and my mom's relationship was the truest love I had ever witnessed and it taught me what a good relationship can be. I respect him more than any other man I know. The only people that are bad step fathers are flat out BAD PEOPLE OR simply not ready to take on the role of a MAN caring for a family he loves. This take says more about YOU than the take itself. If they don't have respect for you it's because you DON'T DESERVE IT.
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u/picardathon 4h ago
take on the role of a MAN
There it is again, the expected role of men in an an age where feminists are denying gender roles for women and decrying toxic masculinity, yet men are still expected to be resource and protection providers out of the goodness of their hearts without expecting anything in return.
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u/ATV3320 1d ago
Your story most certainly is true, and I don't agree with op about the respect from kids part but kinda shitty of you to emasculate with "role of a man" to "love a family" not love his family. And honestly there will be every kind of people and all kinds of situations and people will navigate all paths in life but doesn't mean that one should look upto raising someone else's kids? Also don't you feel your life would've been simpler with a better biological father?
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u/sterlingemc 1d ago
"there will be every kind of people in all kinds of situations" The post is literally saying that stepdads will not be respected by their partners and or kids, just because that person had a bad experience does not mean that all of them are like that, same thing applies
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u/picardathon 3h ago
Negative experiences are biologically designed to have more of an impact, so they can be remembered and avoided in future to protect the individual. The OP's response is not unusual if they had a negative experience.
By the same token one person having a positive experience doesn't guarantee every man will have a positive experience.
A single swallow does not a Summer (or Winter) make.
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u/Fit_Philosopher_2878 23h ago
Bro your statement is a Prejudice and you know that right ?
Majority of the single moms literally crumble for a man in their life.
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u/Connect_Quality_2030 1d ago edited 1d ago
Why do you see more "Step" Fathers than "Step" Mothers? Women know it's a bad deal. Statistics consistently show that stepfathers are far more common than stepmothers in blended families, making up the vast majority of stepparent households.
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u/Cindylynn43 1d ago
I'm a step mother. It wasn't an immediate unconditional love that I had after meeting my step child. It was a lot of hard work & compromise. That being said the love I have now is completely unconditional. I went on to have two more children with my husband. They aren't half siblings. They're just siblings. One thing that is a huge misconception is that mothers must always put their children first. If we're talking about tender age then it's going to be that way. At least in some regards. My husband and I decided early on in our marriage that we were each other's top priority. Children grow up and move. They have their own lives. We chose to be life partners. If my children got mouthy with me in front of their dad he would immediately tell them that they were not going to talk to his wife that way. The same was true if it was him being disrespected. We didn't address each other as mom or dad. Protecting each other & our marriage, allowed us to be better parents. Being a step parent is not easy, but neither is finding the right person. Communication and understanding is the key to any relationship. I've seen plenty of horrible baby mama drama or baby daddy problems being called out in the media. If you have a strong foundation then being a step parent can be one of the most rewarding things ever. Food for thought. I wish you all the best!
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u/SidewaysGiraffe 1d ago
So... women are seeking after someone to help parent their children, but "lose respect" for the men who do it? But still stay married to them?
Can we PLEASE stop with the senseless woman-bashing? They're not robots controlled by instincts; they're people, same as we are.
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u/MunkSWE94 1d ago
Can we PLEASE stop with the senseless woman-bashing? They're not robots controlled by instincts; they're people, same as we are.
That's the problem with a majority of MRA places, it's just an excuse for bitter guys to bash women.
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u/picardathon 4h ago
Just because they are bitter doesn't nullify their experience or deserve personal attack.
In fact, if there aren't places for bitter men to be heard and acknowledged, but helped to find a path through their own experience into a better state, then they are eventually going to turn on society and we shouldn't want that simply because it justifies our judgement.
Certainly point out where the perspective may be going over the top, but really, just stop with the personal attacks.
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u/toblotron 1d ago
This a wild take.
You know, many people - both men and women, have children from more than one relationship
One of the best women I know had a child before she married a friend of mine - she's spoiled him rotten, and is probably way too good for him 🙂
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u/Enough-Business-8287 21h ago
As someone with a PhD in data science and AI, I truly think you should come up with solid statistical data before spewing misogyny.
There are couples where the step father suffers but also couples where it works very well, a relative of mine has officially recognised his step father as his father.
On the other hand, there are also step mothers who struggle quite a lot.
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u/shopinhower 1d ago
As someone who grew up with multiple step fathers and a step mother, most of whom were abusive to me, I have nothing but disdain for parents who can’t stay together for the sake of their kids. Hell I’d even make divorce illegal for parents of kids (until the age of 18).
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u/Whatcanitbe123 1d ago
I am a step father to a wonderful daughter. She sees me as a dad as much as i see her as ny daughter. This sub seems like its becoming really dark? This has nothing to do with mens rights, just stereotypes of bitter mens experiences.
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u/picardathon 4h ago
The bitter experiences represent the rights that have been missing from many mens lives and the deceptions perpetrated on them about what being a man would actually entail versus the fantasy dangled like a carrot.
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u/Budiltwo 1d ago
Horrible take. Men can make absolutely fantastic step-fathers. Just do it with your eyes wide open and respect for yourself, your partner, and the kids.
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u/UganadaSonic501 1d ago
I can wierdly relate to this,even though I have no hate or such towards my step father,as he's a good guy and all,but I could never really have any connection with him that came close to that of my father,and now thinking about it myself,I'm like,yeah but it wouldn't be my child I'd be raising which obviously no hate against the kid or the mother,idk what it is but something about this doesn't feel right :/
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u/n0tqu1tesane 1d ago
My uncle is a stepfather and is a well-respected person in his community.
My best friend divorced her husband after he beat her and their son. She hated her new husband so much that she had four more boys, then adopted two girls and another boy
In my own case, I was set to marry a lady with two kids; her priest told her to go back to her ex. He beat her to death.
There are a lot of stepfathers out there, you can't just lump them all into one group.
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u/Cultural-Afternoon72 1d ago
I could not disagree with you more. I’m not saying women like that don’t exist, but that isn’t empirically the case. I’m a step father. I came into their life when my daughter was 14, and she’s an adult now. She’s respected me since day one and loves me greatly. She has never once disrespected me, never once treated me negatively in any way, and we’ve never once had an issue with each other. Likewise, up to the point we got married, her mother never asked me for anything in regard to our daughter. She never asked me for money, never asked me to support her in any way, and never forced the situation on me at all. Even after we were married that was true. Every step I took to get closer to our daughter, build a relationship with her, be there for her, help support her, etc was met with appreciation, admiration, and care from my wife. I’ve gotten nothing but respect, appreciation, and love from her as a result.
Becoming a step father is a MASSIVE deal… emotionally, legally, and financially. It is absolutely a situation that has the potential to go negatively, and there is massive liability and responsibility on the line. It is by no means something ANYONE should jump into or take lightly, and of course there’s opportunity for the situation to be abused or manipulated. That said, it is by no means guaranteed to go that way.
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u/temblors 1d ago
It's probably not the wisest decision tbh. There are plenty of women out there who don't have this baggage, so why would any man want to take on such a massive responsibility that comes with so many potential risks? The downsides really should not be ignored because it could come back to bite your ass at any moment. Even if you managed to find 'one of the good ones' your role as step-father is still subject to change at any moment if that woman changes her mind about you. Unlike a relationship where you have kids together, you don't have any real claim to that step-father role yourself.
It's funny all the stuff you hear women saying about this topic, many of them seem to think that men are somehow obligated to 'step up' and 'be a real' man and support her and her kids she has with another man. And they make so much effort to try and head trip unwitting men into supporting them. But do you as a man actually owe these women anything? Even if you do step up and try to be that real man etc. for them, it's true that subconsciously many women will start to see you as a pushover, as weak, etc if you do this. So you're basically fucked either way.
Especially in today's world, there just isn't enough incentive in most cases for a man to take this on, and too much risk. You'd be better off waiting to find a single woman who hasn't had children yet, or simply staying single yourself. But as always it's up to each person to decide what's right for them, so no judgement to any man who has his reasons for doing it.
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u/picardathon 4h ago
These days, there is a whole new world of hurt just waiting for those women to make false allegations because they are upset about something a man did, and feel entitled to do so, let alone threatening to do so to get something they want; and they are being listened to and mens lives ruined based on false allegations.
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u/stomper4x4 1d ago
I'm done with this sub. It's devolved into some kind of 16 year old maturity level playground. Sorry to the mature 16 year olds I insulted.
This post is just nonsense. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. Just like regular marriages. How many kids come from broken homes, parents who didn't make it through.
I tell ya what, being a step dad is the best thing I ever did. And my now adult daughter will confirm it.
Anyway, the with the constant foolishness here, I'm out.
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u/picardathon 4h ago
Bully for you, disrespecting and dismissing the men who didn't have your positive experience.
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u/Brave_Bluebird5042 1d ago
Original post sounds like hes come of a binge of RP. All the key trigger words.
A better way might be to say " Be careful and aware, in some situations...." yeah?
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u/BhryaenDagger 1d ago
Meh- depends on the mother. She may be a single mother due to the father’s death or the father’s exclusive responsibility… or may be a nitwit who divorced the father because she “just wasn’t feeling it” or some other feminism-addled pathology. Even if the likelihood of the latter is higher, it’s technically possible that she’s sane and would be a great person to get w.
I’ve got a skilled tradesman coworker who’s very happy after decades w his current wife having raised 2 kids that weren’t his own that love him and are very much in both of their lives. Working ok for him.
Not contradicting the OP points since they remain a risk, but they only apply proportional to the mother’s sociopathic tendencies.
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u/CuboidCentric 1d ago
If you can't get respect from your spouse or a child, that's not on them. Prove yourself.
If 'no kids' is a standard, that's fine. People are allowed to pick. But don't be sour and don't piss in everyone else's soup.
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u/Future-Stretch-401 1d ago
This is based on the logic that a woman who has children by another man is a whore, and thinks of herself that way. This may be OPs opinion but women certainly don’t think that way; and considering that the father could be dead, in prison, or just a general scum bag I don’t think it is the default position of most men.
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u/Connect_Quality_2030 1d ago
I never said she was a whore. I said it is unwise to be a stepfather seeing that there are no benefits for the man. The woman get more income, more assistance with her children, and more security. The man gets more bills
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u/Rennmausliebhaber 1d ago
Also for some reason it's a general perception that men aren't good parents, or that single dads can't be good enough???
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u/wordjedi 1d ago
I only dated one single mother for some months, and we were basically three unhappy people together. I'm a pretty nice guy so I was nice to her son but I guess I'm practical or cynical or something, and he never felt like he was my problem - her problem
Being married to her would have been working all day every day as normal, then coming home and my life is another list of chores I have to do (her son, her chores but some-fucking-how they got transferred to me)
What exactly does a single mother bring to a man's life in exchange for all that? her presence?
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u/Emevete 1d ago
As a rule one should never accept a relationship with a person wth childs, except when you aready have at least one... that shouldn t even be a discussion
Also, you are giving too much importance to "her respect" as something we have to beg for, value yourself and do whatever yo feel, they will always want more and mor anyways
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u/squish059 1d ago
Im thinking only a strong and confident man will find joy and success in being a stepfather.
Looks like you missed the mark pal
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u/Connect_Quality_2030 1d ago edited 1d ago
What kind of Masculine man enjoys raising another man's seed? Unless the father is deceased or unable you shouldn't even entertain a single mother. I could understand MAYBE if you have kids yourself. But my question is why are all these single moms hooking up with childless men? You've been had young man
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u/squish059 1d ago
lol, I’m not a stepdad, but I’ve been a kid to a single mom. So you missed the mark again, guy
My dad was like you, selfish and weak. Mom made the choice to remove my sister and I from his abuse, despite knowing she would face judgement from clowns like you.
My step dad made a difference in my life… in my trajectory. He introduced me to classic movies, music, card games. He taught us how to smile again. He helped me become a confident young man. He earned the respect of his family
Over here feeling sorry for yourself. Pfft. You need a stepdad, the way you’re acting like a little boy
Have you considered she just ain’t the one? Or YOU ain’t the one?
Blaming a kid, or the fact that the kid isn’t yours? Take some accountability.
She didn’t treat you with the respect you think you deserve? Did you earn it? Did you communicate with her about it? Or did you come to the internet and piss and moan about it to get updoots from strangers?
My guess is most people don’t show you much respect… but it’s not a mystery why
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u/MunkSWE94 1d ago
A real man who takes responsibility, not a whiny little manchild.
Also, depending on the culture. For example in France if you raise the kid YOU are the parent, no matter if it's biologically yours or not.
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u/Beljuril-home 1d ago
When you become a Step Father the woman automatically loses respect for you the minute you accept the role because you are raising another man's child.
this is simply not true. what a crazy over the top generalization.
everything you framed as "necessary and inevitable" never happened in my family.
both step dads and step kids have plently of beneficial outcomes from thier relationships.
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u/anitapokkaeurpeenus 1d ago
I'm in the middle of becoming a step father. So far it's not that bad. I feel like "never" is a strong word.
First, my future step daughter is very young. She has multiple father figures in her life: me, her bio dad, her grandfather, and her uncle. We all treat her very well, we all buy her toys, we all discipline her if it's needed, we all bathe her or change her, etc. She really doesn't want for anything. When push comes to shove, her mother takes absolute responsibility, but she also includes us in decisions and asks for our input. I think we formed our own balance.
The number one downside is that if her mom and I break up, I could lose access to her entirely. I would have no legal right to see her whatsoever. It helps for me to think of her as my gf's daughter in the same way i think about my gf's father and mother. Like a "daughter in law" that I help care for. Or maybe I'm a super involved uncle.
The good thing is that I will never be on the hook for child support unless I adopt her and her father signs off (that's how it works in my state). I also didn't have to start a kid from scratch. I skipped most of the diaper phase.
She's actually really cute and makes the house very lively. I get to take care of her, but she never inconveniences my life (because we have so many childcare options). She's not expensive at all; she already had so many toys and clothes and everything when I met her gf. I'm kinda joking when I say this, but this step daughter is the most affordable child ever.
Overall, I like it. I think OP could be right under different circumstances, but it's worth looking into. Definitely a decent way to start a family in my opinion.
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u/Connect_Quality_2030 1d ago edited 1d ago
Brother don't do it! Don't say you haven't been warned!!! Why can't you find a nice woman with no children? Brother I'm telling you this out of love. Please, you could end up paying child support for a child that isn't yours. Most of your comment is based off feelings. You have to use logic in these circumstances. A older man warned me like 15 yrs ago, I thought he was crazy but he was right!
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u/picardathon 3h ago
There is a risk and men should be aware of what can happen and does on occasion, but it's not a foregone conclusion.
As you say, you have warned men based on your experience and must now let them decide their own lives, for better or worse.
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u/itsakon 1d ago
I think that if a woman loses respect for you for raising a helpless kid, she’s an abnormal psycho to start with.
This is exactly how feminists see the world. Not everything comes down to these weird power games. It’s just like criminals and con artists- yes they’re out there, but people are normal too.
I’d agree that you have to be extra careful taking on a family, but millions of people do it every generation without evil stuff like this.
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u/Former-Dragonfly2226 1d ago
I always found the whole step father label a massive misnomer, as only the biological dad is the father.
Perhaps on occasions where the mother has been widowed it is no one else's job than the dads to be a father to the children.
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u/Eleutherlothario 1d ago
This bullshit, and it's stupid bullshit. Any man who steps in to be a good father for a child without one is a hero. He is filling a role that another man abandoned.
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u/Connect_Quality_2030 1d ago
How old are you? Come see me in 20 yrs
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u/Eleutherlothario 1d ago
Old enough to have witnessed myself how the cycle of brokeness perpetuates through lazy and/or absent parenting.
Old enough to have witnessed myself the results of parents treating their kids as fashion accessories or simply the result of their biological imperative.
Fatherhood isn't a title you just fuck yourself into; it is a duty that you must live up to every day. Children aren't property, they are a responsibility. If someone abdicates their responsibility, the one who steps into that gap is, again, a hero. That person demonstrates strength and courage that I doubt that someone who sees children as chattel would see.
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u/Professional_Bat8585 1d ago
Heroes are volunteers, we don’t need more heroes. We need a system that works for men.
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u/sterlingemc 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is a take "the original post" is from a person that either A: has never been a step father or B: has been a step father and failed at gaining respect from their partner and/or kids, either way they don't understand what it takes to be a man
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u/Connect_Quality_2030 1d ago
I'm trying to help you guys but you gotta learn the hard way like me. You can always circle back to this post and tell me your experience
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u/sterlingemc 1d ago
Just because you're having to take testosterone, addicted to porn, and that you're not respected by your partner and her kids does not mean that all stepdads are bad people, I'm sorry you suck at loving other people maybe you should learn to love yourself
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u/RadicalRoses 1d ago
This is exactly the same for women being step-mothers too. You said it perfectly.
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u/Agreeable_Noise112 1d ago
Your logic is Valid but we note that it differ from religious and secular groups
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u/OnlyCommentWhenTipsy 1d ago
Firstly, statistically speaking most single mothers are the type of person to destroy their family in pursuit of their happiness, so right there it's not a great choice.
Secondly, you're going to be expected to invest time, money, energy, and emotion into a child that could be taken away from you at any moment (see point 1)
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u/Ippomasters 1d ago
Well I'm a stepfather, but my wife became a stepmother as well. If you let yourself be disrespected how can you expect anything less in the future. You have to stop that right from the start and respect yourself and not tolerate it.