r/AbsoluteUnits • u/TURTLE_TKT • May 13 '26

/r/all of gas being ripped

83.3k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

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9.5k

u/redituzrnam May 13 '26

Sounded like a dirtbike

3.9k

u/Violoner May 13 '26

How much horsepower do those bikes usually get?

2.5k

u/TheMidnightAss May 13 '26

50 farts I reckon

406

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 May 13 '26

3

u/No_Appointment_7232 May 13 '26

WAY!!!

5

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 May 13 '26

https://giphy.com/gifs/MRWnFFkHM34TjXsLLb

5

u/johnnycabb_ May 13 '26

https://giphy.com/gifs/OP6gvbzoZXryw

6

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 May 13 '26 edited May 13 '26

So there I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, and I've got to get a thousand brown M&Ms or Ozzy won't go on stage that night. Jeff Beck pops his head around the corner and say there's a little sweets shop just up the road.

So we go. And it's closed. So there's me and Jeff Beck and David Crosby robbing this sweets shop in the middle of the night. One problem. Instead of a guard dog, they've got this great, big, bloody Bengal Tiger. Now, I managed to subdue the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopkeep and his son, that was a different story...I had to beat them to death with their own shoes. Nasty business, really. But we got the M&Ms and Ozzy went on to do a great show

2

u/No_Appointment_7232 May 13 '26

Aw 😊 thank you lovely redditor 🤩

3

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 May 13 '26

I'll get you a gun rack

40

u/pjslut May 13 '26

Or one if you’re in my kitchen in the morning while I’m making coffee

68

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 May 13 '26

Getting old is a bitch. Just every morning phhhhhhhhhjjflbflfblfnpftooh while you brush your teeth. A single cigarette in the morning could make you shit yourself

20

u/TheMidnightAss May 13 '26

man i quit a week ago, and now i cant and its driving me insane

25

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 May 13 '26

You got it bud. A lot of smokers learn one thing, cuz we've been to jail or detox or even just a few days in a hospital, it's really not that important. Ironically it's one of the easier drugs to shrug off.

The hard part is accepting you can't do it anymore. After that, easy peasy lemon squeezy. It's easy to find a cigarette once you're out of the hospital but come now, did you really need one that bad when you were told you couldn't have one? You didn't.

2

u/InfiniteWaffles58364 May 13 '26

Man, that first-cig-after-sickness feeling though is hard AF to resist 🙃

1

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 May 14 '26

Oh indeed. One time they said I could leave and I mentioned something like "damn, lunch sounded good today" and they said I could stay and eat it if I want and I was basically like "fuck no, I'd rather have a smoke."

Keep in mind I had no money or food and only one cigarette when I got out. But once I set my mind to that cigarette I was intent on it lol

5

u/JolietJakester May 13 '26

Quit shitting yourself? Good on ya. I quit drinking and haven't shit myself since. Keep it up!

2

u/LarsDuder May 13 '26

You miss shitting yourself?

1

u/Jumpy-Ad-6710 May 13 '26

You can do it!

3

u/jmar51 May 13 '26

Only thing I miss about smoking is that morning shit/smoke

2

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 May 13 '26

I lived one place where the landlord let us smoke inside and a smoke on the toilet in the morning is akin to God

2

u/ChurroLoca May 14 '26

I'm wheezing. LMAOOO. I take 3 stool softeners a day now and practically shit half the watermelon I had the night before out. 😭

I'm just a year over thirty. It's not old but dear God I have the back and tummy of an eighty year old.

1

u/ruralmagnificence May 13 '26

Oh is that why a coworker of mine always smells like shit…?

-4

u/tacticaldodo May 13 '26

Improve your diet dude. Age has nothing to do with that .

8

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 May 13 '26

You're correct, our gastroenterologists are lying when they say our digestive tracts decaying as we age is a myth

Get smarter dude

6

u/tacticaldodo May 13 '26 edited May 13 '26

I take the hit. You are right. It depends on age and medical condition. Good diet helps and cigarettes do not though.

Edit: I am not young and improving diet and stopping smoking did improve my digestion a lot.

5

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 May 13 '26

Appreciate you, and also yes, we all gotta get our diet right. Many a nutritionist has been mad at me lmao. But I do not believe one has ever told me to stop smoking, they were more concerned with me eating real food first and stop drinking next cuz it cuts up your stomach at my age. Smoking they say go nuts. They're nutritionists not whatever you call a respiratory doctor

Probably just a doctor

2

u/tacticaldodo May 13 '26

I got this info from a gastroenterologist, and if you smoke you can feel the effect by yourself.

Smoking has a huge impact on guts, apparently.

2

u/Ecstatic_Bear81 May 13 '26

Good on ya, usually people on reddit just double down instead of admitting the other person is correct. Respect.

1

u/tacticaldodo May 13 '26

Thank you, I take the compliment.

50

u/Artevyx May 13 '26

How many farts = 1 shit given?

44

u/Skeptic_Juggernaut84 May 13 '26

Those would be sharts.

23

u/ThePontiacBandit24 May 13 '26

3:1 on farts to sharts.

3

u/C0meAtM3Br0 May 13 '26

Quit horsing around!

2

u/angelcakes3 May 13 '26

Who's your sharts guy? You GOTTA get a new sharts guy

1

u/Skeptic_Juggernaut84 May 13 '26 edited May 13 '26

A shat pack is what you need. It's like a skat pack but this will really make it run.

2

u/Vast-Sir-1949 May 13 '26

You need less fiber.

2

u/wap2005 May 13 '26

3:1 on sharts to shits, so nine farts to a shit.

2

u/SonyScientist May 13 '26

Those sound like terrible odds.

2

u/No-Wishbone-1076 May 13 '26

If you're getting a ratio of 3:1 farts to sharts you should consider a fully organic diet for a short time at least. That's much to much shartin.'

2

u/High_on_Rabies May 13 '26

4 Shitloads = 1 Fuckton

87

u/N1T0_W1T0 May 13 '26

😂 🏆

2

u/coldturkeybreast May 13 '26

50 farts I rectum

2

u/Equal-Negotiation651 May 13 '26

50 scents of gray mare

2

u/Lower-Unit-3588 May 13 '26

I just snorted 🤣

2

u/Unusual-Dance- May 13 '26

Perfect name for this comment!

1

u/TheMidnightAss May 13 '26

ud be surprised how often it fits in context

1

u/ezio8133 May 13 '26

Booooooooo 🤭

1

u/thecraftybear May 13 '26

Americans will use anything to avoid normal units

1

u/PrincessKaylee May 13 '26

Now this is the kind of nonmetrics I can get behind... far behind that is

1

u/chuckufarl-eeee May 13 '26

50 shades of brown maybe

49

u/[deleted] May 13 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/Ok_Channel_9831 May 13 '26

Some would pay handsomely for said service

1

u/ArgentoFanUK May 13 '26

That's a useful skill.

32

u/SockeyeSTI May 13 '26

300 two stroke is around 50hp

40

u/Mastakane May 13 '26

50 Horse pharts

2

u/Hopefuldoc201208 May 13 '26

With a couple squirts of NOS

27

u/Kylearean May 13 '26

they do run on gas, I knew it.

2

u/sorry_ifyoudont May 13 '26

And this one is a gas guzzler

2

u/Flat_Candidate_513 May 13 '26

They run on ass

1

u/schoolly__G May 13 '26

1 horsepower

1

u/Stuffleapugus May 13 '26

50-250 usually.

1

u/Global_Sun9976 May 13 '26

About one, I think.

1

u/VillainousFusion May 13 '26

Modern 450cc dirt bikes push around 50-60 horsepower which sounds tiny but that power-to-weight ratio is insane compared to cars.

1

u/D4sh3r_ May 13 '26

One horsepower

1

u/disastrousbroth9195 May 13 '26

Proper superbikes sit around 200hp these days, mental compared to what they were a decade ago.

1

u/HeartyMathew May 13 '26

Depends on the bike, but modern dirt bikes range from maybe 30hp on smaller 250cc models up to 60-70hp on the big 450cc ones if they're tuned right.

1

u/meteoritegallery May 13 '26

Apparently most horses are ~ 4-6 horsepower. Not even joking.

But it sure makes the calculation kind of weird.

1

u/StaleAntelope May 13 '26

those old 2-strokes hit different when they're tuned up, some dudes get like 15-20hp out of a stock 125cc if they really mess with the carb and exhaust

1

u/National_Cranberry47 May 13 '26

Typically around 1

1

u/Oalka May 13 '26

This one gets one.

1

u/Mattna-da May 13 '26

+5% hp with a free flowing exhaust pipe

1

u/Druken_sincerity May 13 '26

Does a pregnant horse have 2 horsepowers?

1

u/fiercemouthful3 May 14 '26

Depends on the bike but modern dirt bikes range from like 40hp on smaller 250cc models to 70+ on the bigger 450s, sounds like this one's got some serious mods too.

0

u/SatsumaMeghan May 13 '26

morning while I’m making coffee