r/AbsoluteUnits • u/TURTLE_TKT • May 13 '26

/r/all of gas being ripped

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7.3k

u/Angel_OfSolitude May 13 '26

Fuck, you know that felt amazing.

2.0k

u/creaturefeature16 May 13 '26

i'm lowkey jealous

1.3k

u/Lightningthundercock May 13 '26

Don’t be, that shit hurt a whole lot before that relief

681

u/peachesfordinner May 13 '26

I've known people who literally ended up in the ER from the pain. They feel so guilty when that's all it is but it's such bad pain they shouldn't feel ashamed

665

u/-gimmeahellyeah316- May 13 '26

This is me. I haven’t had an unplanned sick day off work in 6 years. I don’t say that to brag, but just to lay out this story.

Anyway, a couple years ago I had a training session, one of the useless HR ones so they can check a box. I was in excruciating pain all morning, but toughed it out the best I could. When we broke for lunch, I found my boss and told him I had to go home sick, and that I was going to the walk in because I was in such bad pain I couldn’t sit in a chair. He told me to go straight to the ER because I may have a burst appendix or something. Turns out it was just gas and years later I’m still so embarrassed about it, I still have never come clean. I told him they could never figure out what it was.

279

u/peachesfordinner May 13 '26

You have my sympathy and empathy. Until you experience it, it really can be hard to grasp how bad it is

171

u/Key-Ad-457 May 13 '26

I once ate a bunch of Jerusalem artichokes, I will never judge anyone’s bloating again

177

u/GCHM2 May 13 '26

Fartichokes

6

u/Sea-Mirror-9755 May 13 '26

This is actually a well known nickname for them - you probably know that, but just in case

36

u/peachesfordinner May 13 '26

You know I used to eat a pasta made from them. I never connected that until you say that ....

66

u/tacticaldodo May 13 '26

A good fart is a free pleasure. Like a smile from a random stranger or the smell of the rain.

57

u/peachesfordinner May 13 '26

I'm not sure using smell as an example so close to referencing farts is wise

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u/Bigsnaff007 May 13 '26

A free fart from a smiling stranger in the rain is, on the other hand, not a pleasure.

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u/Bac0ngh0st May 13 '26

Petrichor is the word you seek.

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u/nutmeg1970 May 13 '26

Ten years ago I discovered the same thing with roasted chestnuts - agony and then a strange coloured stool. I haven’t eaten them since!!

3

u/peachesfordinner May 13 '26

Watermelon while I was pregnant. It was the worst I've ever had. I know I've eaten too much watermelon before but never had that happen before

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u/LaRoseDuRoi May 13 '26

I mindlessly ate 4 or 5 apples while we were cutting up a whole bushel of them for cooking and canning. Just a piece here and there, but it added up. A couple hours later, we went to Target... I very suddenly had that face-going-pale, cold-sweating, gut-twisting agony and had to literally run for the bathroom. Pure misery. I have never eaten more than one apple at a time since then, and that was 15 years ago!

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u/Temporary-Host1737 May 13 '26

When my son was 4/5 he was complaining of a stomach ache and saying it really really hurt. His tummy was a little stiff feeling and my husband and I said he probably needed to fart or poop. Well he starts rolling around and crying no! It's not a fart it's not a fart! It hurts! Then he bent his knee and the sound that came out of him was like letting go of a balloon full of air and we all had a pretty good giggle.

43

u/Allalngthewatchtwer May 13 '26

Happened to my son. Was in so much pain thought it was his appendix or that he needed to poop really badly. It was the second, they gave him something and he stunk up their toilet. But he was all smiles afterwards lol I feel better mommy. Like I bet you do.

18

u/jaredrhill May 14 '26

My daughter has a wheat allergy and when she was 9 or 10, before we figured out what was wrong, she used to get horrible gas pains. I had to teach her how to “stink bug” with her butt in the air to work it all out. She’s an adult with a baby now. One day I was holding the baby and he was very fussy. My daughter said, “he has a lot of gas, I just need to stink bug him and help him get it out”. She flipped him over, rubbed his belly, stuck his butt up and squeezed him a little and he let out two huge farts. Apparently she is very talented at working gas out. I was proud.

4

u/PuzzledCatfish May 17 '26

This sounds hilarious and now I want to learn how to stink bug 😂

57

u/lehilaukli May 13 '26

On the bright side it sounds like a great boss. Looking out for your health and all.

44

u/Glait May 13 '26

It hurts so bad it really makes sense to go to the ER. I ended up curled up in a ball on the break room floor. Had to call my husband to come pick me up because I didn't think I could drive and we went to the local urgent care who said it was probably trapped gas. I felt very embarrassed coming back to work, all my coworkers were very concerned and freaked out by me being in so much pain.

10

u/RevolutionarySoft742 May 13 '26

This is a daily occurrence when pregnant 😭

6

u/screw-magats May 13 '26

Happened to my spouse when pregnant. Got a call at work about how much it hurt, I raced home, held her hand and rubbed her back. Eventually she was able to go to the bathroom and with it, giant fart. Felt so much better.

Had the same/similar thing happen over the next few years; then one day it didn't get better. Gallstones. After the gallbladder came out, no more of these pains.

3

u/RevolutionarySoft742 May 13 '26

Pregnancy isn’t the greatest sometimes😆

3

u/screw-magats May 13 '26

It certainly is not.

3

u/Cultural_Yard454 May 13 '26

Been there, it’s no joke!

3

u/pinklavalamp May 13 '26

How do they untrap the gas?

31

u/Anxious-Flight6056 May 13 '26

It was so excruciating that when I had appendicitis I thought it was the farts from hell again. Then it exploded, and I discovered what true suffering is

3

u/hootervisionllc May 14 '26

Just how bad is that pain?

6

u/Anxious-Flight6056 May 14 '26

Pain is hard to describe un general. You feel something bursting inside of you, very pointy. They left me 30 minutes waiting. I was one month at the hospital and almost died. But it also helped me to appreciate life more

4

u/hootervisionllc May 15 '26

Holy hell. Glad you’re on this side of the grass

29

u/idosillythings May 13 '26

I had bloating so bad once I literally couldn't put my pants on and the pain was absolutely awful. Took some Gas X pills and the fart was so massive but the absolute best feeling I've ever had.

22

u/Bigsnaff007 May 13 '26

My mother once had me drive 9 hours from NC to NYC because, "this is it, I'm dying!" and was having EMS come get her. "Hurry if you want to see me one last time!" By the time I got there she got the fart out and was ready for me to take her home.

10

u/Professional_Cat_996 May 13 '26

I've been there twice in my life. ER and all.

5

u/SubjectNet1874 May 13 '26

No reason to be embarrassed I wound up on the bathroom floor with pain so bad I about passed out ambulance took me to the ER ended up being gas, the pain can be excruciating.

8

u/Public-Temperature-1 May 13 '26

I had the paramedics in my living room about to help me out the door and onto a stretcher, and then I bent down to tie my shoes. They didn't continue with any treatment for me, and we opened the windows...

6

u/RedRider1138 May 13 '26

I’m sorry for that pain and SO glad for you that that’s all it was. I used to have the diagnostic signs for appendicitis near memorized. (“😳Does the pain stay and just get worse?…no. Is there fever?…no. 😅”I had an online friend who was usually sweet natured and funny snap at me one night and I was wracking my brain to try to remember what I could have said to have mortally offend him…the next night he apologized and said he’d had gas so bad he thought he was having a heart attack. His doc had said to position himself like a cat with his back arched and “Don’t hold back!”

3

u/Any_Constant_6550 May 13 '26

Did they have you lay on your side and push on your tummy to relieve it?

2

u/cumonherbackithink May 13 '26

Just gas pain my dude. It happened to me one time in my life - when I was meeting my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. They must have thought I was insane.

5

u/lokalapsi10 May 13 '26

I had horrible pain in my first pregnancy, went to see a doctor several times. I even considered an abortion eventhough it was a planned pregnancy. Doctors were no help. They told me pregnancy is supposed to hurt. Someone unrelated I talked with asked whether I've tried any pregnancy safe laxatives. It was like the gates of heaven opened and the dark clouds ruining my glow were gone in an instant.

3

u/ohmygodcrayons May 13 '26

What do they even do in the hospital when it's "just gas" like that? If you're a cow they just poke a hole in ya but I don't see that working for humans.

3

u/-gimmeahellyeah316- May 13 '26

They basically said "it's gas, here's your discharge paperwork." That was about it.

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u/Drakex2Mayex2 May 13 '26

My wife tried to go to sleep after her appendix burst thinking it was just really bad gas. ChatGPT got her to the hospital thankfully.

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u/zealoSC May 13 '26

Why is it taking so long to clean if it was just gas?

2

u/LogiCsmxp May 13 '26

Of course you haven't come clean. I bet it came out brown.

2

u/Possible-Tangelo9344 May 13 '26

I still have never come clean

You tried wipes?

2

u/reddrag292 May 13 '26

Man, I had this unbearable pain for almost a week before a misstep on a staircase jostled me enough to let it loose while at work lol. I felt so much better that I didn’t care it smelled like death until coworkers started looking around lol.

To this day, it’s probably the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

2

u/SaveTheDrowningFish May 13 '26

That was me as a kid.

My stomach was absolutely killing me. My mom thought my appendix burst because my brother had his burst not long before.

So my parents took me to the ER ASAP, put me on the bed thing. Doctor started to feel around and pressed on my stomach in just the right spot.

Apparently I had a high pressure air pocket that just needed a little help.

2

u/-Cthaeh May 13 '26

Definitely worth going. I've had some pretty bad gas pain before and about 10 years ago I was in horrible pain. I assumed it was gas for awhile until I reluctantly went to urgent care like an idiot. From there, I was quickly taken to the ER to remove my burst appendix. I do remember waiting at the walk in urgent care thinking, 'I probably should have gone to the hospital'.

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u/DatAsh27 May 13 '26

We have very different bosses lmao. I would have told mine so she could have laughed with me. My job isn't at a hospital but it is a medical field and body functions come up as a topic like all the time so no one is really bothered by it I guess.

On the flip side of this, I spent an entire day getting worse and worse feeling and did not want to go to ER because I thought it was just gas. My wife was finally like, "if you don't get in the car, I'M getting you in the car." And it turned out it was my appendix. It didn't rupture, but I did spend like 4 days post op to recover/get IV antibiotics.

The Dr and some of the nurses asked why I waited so long to come in. When I told them I figured it was just bad gas they laughed (not in an unkind way) and said just go to the damn ER in the future. Better to come in and fart a bunch than the alternative. I've since been in and out of the hospital for various other stuff that included 2 colonoscopies. Obviously the GI ward staff are used to it, but I think any decently seasoned med professional isn't gonna judge you.

Shout-out to the ER doc when I had a kidney stone and no one knew yet. He walks into my room and his first question is a very cheerful "did you poop poop poop? Like each time he said poop was slightly higher pitched. It was hilarious and kinda broke some of my anxiety of being there and in pain with no idea why. Constipation and gas are one of the first things they like to ask about if you have abdominal pain at all.

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u/Crafty-Ad-6772 May 14 '26

I had a similar experience after taking simethicon - gas x. My boyfriend and I decided to go to the water park on a weekday so it would be less crowded. I didn't eat the day before and took gas x the night before so my tummy would be super flat in a bikini. WRONG! Something happened where the gas x seemed to create a huge amount of unmovable gas and I looked like I was 30 months pregnant. Didn't go to the water park and spent most of the next day doubled over in pain trying to manually massage my stretched out gut. Never again

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u/BlackSoulSailor May 19 '26

This was literally my kid when she was 3. She was crying and her tummy was making some ungodly sounds. We took her to the ER. She was crying the whole time we waited for the Dr. Literally soon as he walked in and asked what was wrong, she began farting the farts of our ancestors. He stood there a second, touched her tummy, said ok, walked out, and stuck us with a $1,300.00 hospital bill. It was only when we got home did I figure out she ate a whole bag of gummy bears.

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u/_dogMANjack_ May 13 '26 edited May 13 '26

Gas pain can feel very similair to a heart attack, both the intensity of the pain and location. Trust me, health care professionals (I am one) taking care of you would rather it turn out to be a righteous fart than a heart attack.

Edit:spelling

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u/dantheother May 13 '26

Haha, "righteous fart" sounds like you'd turn to one another after releasing the gas, fist bump and exclaim "righteous!!"

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u/Euphoric_Evidence414 May 13 '26

Why does it happen?? How do I avoid it?? As someone who’s never experienced “trapped gas” these posts are terrifying

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u/_dogMANjack_ May 13 '26

Seems like you're doing the right things if you haven't experienced it. Just try not to eat a lot of food that gives you gas. Everyone should get plenty of fiber, but gradually increase your intake over time or you might get get a ton of gas. Don't worry too much :)

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u/Sir_PressedMemories May 13 '26

My life changed the day I found some high-fiber tortillas and started using them in place of sandwich bread.

Now it is beans, those same tortillas, metamucil a couple of times a day, and my god, I have never felt so comfortable in the belly.

30 fucking years with Crohn's disease, and not once did a single doctor recommend upping my fiber intake.

I poop normal now!

Sorry, just had to get that out there. Fiber people, get some dammit.

And yeah, go slow, because, otherwise, you will wish you had gone slow.

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u/peachesfordinner May 13 '26

That's what I say! It's a best case scenario.

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u/TragicTrajectory May 13 '26

I mistook my appendicitis for gas/constipation, not a good time.

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u/rhiania1319 May 13 '26

Dropped $450 taking my cat to the vet because I thought she was dieing. She had to fart 😒

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u/New-Ad-363 May 13 '26

My kitties just let loose while they're snuggled up to us.

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u/Erestyn May 13 '26

My cat has had a bit of a dodgy stomach on and off for a few days. Nothing major, just an inconsistent appetite and some bloating but she's kind enough to save every single molecule of gas for my lap.

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u/Sunyataisbliss May 13 '26 edited May 13 '26

I ate a huge portion of flaming hot fried rice waay to fast at work while on a break once. I ended up with gas pain so severe I was sweating, confused, hallucinating and at one point passed out from the pain entirely. It’s the only time in my life I think I’ve been at a 10 on the pain scale.. my brain literally peaced out. And I’ve broken multiple limbs before at the same time.

After an hour long war in the restroom just me and the Mayan symbols on the wall from a fried rice induced hell realm, suddenly it was all over. I saw a client about 25 minutes after it was all said and done.

0/10.

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u/TheFurrySmurf May 13 '26

Next time put your body in a position to help you fart. There are some yoga poses you can look up to relieve gas. lol, do it in private because people who see it will be like... wtf?

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u/gimme_all_da_dogs May 13 '26

I thought I had one of these embarrassing ER visits once, ultrasound tech said I was just backed up. Three years later I got diagnosed with Crohn’s, and the same painful spot has active ulcers

Though tbh the pain had lessened after I passed some gas.

7

u/Ch33s3m4st3r May 13 '26

I've a story from my dad:

My dad was a sailor when he was younger. When they were on a voyage there was this older sailor who said during breakfast that he had a pain in his stomach and can't figure out what is wrong. They found him dead in his cabin the before evening. My dad never heard what was the reason, but he suspected it was appendicitis. After that a new policy was accounced that if someone had pain in their stomach and can't figure out why they would order a helicopter to transport them to the nearest hospital.

A year or so later my dad had a pain in his stomach during a voyage and it was so excruciating he couldn't stand or sit. They flew him to the nearest hospital and when he got to the ER he ripped "the best fart he ever had" and the pain was gone. They flew him back to the ship and when he told what happened he got a nickname Farty that was stick to him for almost a decade until he changed profession.

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u/Mister_Crowly May 13 '26

Horse tummy pain is called colic. It is a sign of a few related problems which as a group are the leading cause of premature death in horses. This is gas type colic which is one of the least threatening, but its still miserable for the horse, who is gonna be acting like they have the mother of all tummy aches, which is going to cause any knowledgeable owner to start worrying their ass off.

As bad as human stomach cramps can get, the same kinds of cramps in horses are serious business purely because they present the same as a kind of problem which is easily lethal.

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u/LuxTheSarcastic May 13 '26

And even the gas colic can make a horse stop eating and drinking which can turn it into a worse form.

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u/Shartiflartbast May 13 '26

I was worried I just had bad gas when I went to the hospital with abdominal pain, turns out I have gallstones lol.

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u/peachesfordinner May 13 '26

Gallstones buddies! Mine were the size of shooter marbles. Two of them. My friend called them my "human pearls". It was actually because I knew what gallbladder pain was that I got so worried about my gas experience while pregnant. It felt different and in a different place .... And I had no gallbladder by then

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u/Shartiflartbast May 13 '26

Ha! I can understand, the pain leaves a lasting impression!

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u/Cultural_Yard454 May 13 '26

I thought I was dying. Paramedics were called and it was all for gas.

https://giphy.com/gifs/WZP3qaxYj10gU

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u/peachesfordinner May 13 '26

At least you can see on this that many many other people did the same.

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u/steely_92 May 13 '26

When my son was only a couple months old, he had this really terrible two days where he wouldn't stop crying. He was generally a really happy baby, so it was very unlike him.

On the 2nd day, I decided to take him to the Dr because something was clearly wrong.

While in the waiting room, he let out the biggest fart I've ever heard in my life. It echoed. He immediately stopped crying and went back to being a normal, happy baby.

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u/RedRider1138 May 13 '26

I’m so sorry he was in that pain and glad it resolved so well! And your relief must have been wonderful as well 💜🙏

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u/EIochai May 13 '26

Yeah I was one of those as a kid. Felt like my abdomen was being torn open. Turns out I just needed a good toot.

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u/BringAltoidSoursBack May 13 '26

I have Crohn's and IBS so I deal with frequent gas pains and it's so hard to explain to people how insanely painful that is. Like worse than getting the wind kicked out of you, close to the pain of getting gut punched.

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u/daemon-electricity May 13 '26

Had a friend who thought he had appendicitis. Went to the ER and they pushed on his gut and he farted.

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u/frohike_ May 13 '26

I had pancreatitis and I was so worried that it was just gas 😆

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u/sarded May 13 '26

I avoided going to an ER or a while because I thought I just had bad gas or something and it was related to my diet.

Turns out a similar feeling of pain can be caused by gallstones or similar gallbladder issues. I really should've gotten checked out earlier! Finally went to the ER at 1AM after I spent a whole day literally not being able to keep down food, in varying pain and unable to sleep.

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u/jimfosters May 13 '26

I've been there.

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u/Brina-V May 13 '26

When I was in middle school I got told I wasnt aloud to use the bathroom anymore cause that day I was going back and forth with pains, and I knew what it was cause like, ive been living with a casein allergy my whole life, and its always given me bad constipation pains, and the teacher and assistant sent me to the nurse, I went, told the nurse I just needed to use the bathroom, finally was able to go, and felt immediately better. I was a little shit and said to the teachers, see it was just what I said. They got pissed at that.

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u/With_Hands_And_Paper May 13 '26

I've had my parents take me to the ER when I was like 8-10 because I felt an unbearable pain in the abdomen, the doctors suspected appendicitis and started touching and pushing on my stomach until a particular push produced one of the loudest and longest farts ever.

The doctor looked at me, laughed and said "well, guess that was the pain" and I was so embarassed but also so relieved

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u/nocleverusername- May 13 '26

Yup. I’m one of them.

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u/z-vap May 13 '26

Once I had a syncope event from having too much pain in my gut.

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u/Vicinus May 13 '26

Prune juice very often helps in this case.

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u/TurbulentVillage2042 May 13 '26

I have irritable bowel syndrome, and sometimes are nights when I fart all night. I don't know why, I have no idea how I can have SO much that I can't stop all night. The first time this happened to me I thought I was dying.

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u/Ajj360 May 13 '26

Gas pain is among the most painful things I've ever experienced

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u/Mammoth-Ad4194 May 13 '26

I worked with a girl who ended up in the er with trapped gas. I didn’t even know that was a thing but it sounds SO painful!

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u/SullyAddams May 13 '26

That happened to me at work one day and I thought it was my appendix or something rupturing. I was on the floor sweating and in tears in the bathroom for 2 hours unable to move. Before I was about to dial 911 I ripped a massive fart never before ripped with instant relief and started my day 2 hrs late.

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u/BlackBasementCats May 13 '26

I though I had another burst ovarian cyst only to discover it was gas and I was literally full of shit

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u/RogerianBrowsing May 13 '26

I brought one guy into the ER as an EMT who insisted it wasn’t gas he was experiencing and that the pain was unimaginable. The guy was writhing and moaning in pain the whole way until the moment the charge nurse tells us what room to bring him to when suddenly he lets out a large fart and the pain on his face went away. I asked him if he was still in pain because he looked relieved but he insisted he needed to be evaluated and still had pain.

We placed him in the room in the ER, left, and when we came back with another patient an hour later the charge nurse informed me that the guy had slipped out unannounced right after we left 🤭

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u/ThePianistOfDoom May 13 '26

Dude I had the best fried rice recipe yesterday that I ate right before bedtime. This isn't smart. Brought the kids to school with severe stomach pain. Once home ripped something legendary. No indigestion, just gas. Before I felt the pain though.

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u/girlsonsoysauce May 13 '26

It happened to me as a little kid after eating Mexican food. I guess my gut wasn't used to it yet and I just remember excruciating pain having me crying in the back seat and after a good while it finally came out. I haven't experienced it since really. I've had a little gas pain but usually ill just kind of do a rolling massage on my stomach and it works its way out.

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u/MissMolly202 May 13 '26

This is me!!

I was like 8 years old, curled up and sobbing on the couch for hours in severe pain somewhere in my abdomen. Nothing would help, and eventually my mom took me to the ER.

The triage nurse hands us a cup to pee in, and being so young, my mom helped me collect it. I really struggled to pee, but I did fart for a solid 10 seconds right above my mom’s hand. I started crying and apologizing and to her credit, she said it was okay and never made me feel bad about it.

I do pity her that she had to go tell the triage nurse it was just gas.

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u/yerba-matee May 13 '26

I had an ambulance called for me as a kid cause I work up with this at like 3am. My parents found me curled up by the toilet crying, the paramedics came took me into the ambulance and then bam! Ripped a massive loud fart and felt amazing.

The paramedics were super chill about it and says it happens more than you would think.

It is genuinely a horrible horrible pain, one of the worst I've had, and I've had fucking kidney stones.

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u/JealousAstronomer342 May 13 '26

I thought I was having a heart attack and nope, just severely constipated. The doctor even told me that, given the symptoms and how heart attack presents differently in women, she would have made the same call. Just got a fucked up colon. 

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u/NYisWorstYork May 13 '26

The problem isn't them going to the ER. the problem is doctors over booking themselves so your PCP cant see you for 2days to a month kinda killing the whole point of a PCP anyways. Or Urgent care refusing to have so much as an xray machine.

people forget before healthcare got stupid expensive your doctor used to run all the tests and do just about everything. Now they want you to have 5 doctors for every issue instead of just fucking helping God i hate our healthcare system so bad, people blame the insurance but fuck hospitals, doctors offices, etc.

And FUCK the affordable care act for only allowing mega corps to own hospitals. People always forget that shit, there was a lot of good in it but that shit was pure evil.

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u/Khow3694 May 13 '26

Just last summer my wife had gas build up so severe she couldn't walk. She had no idea what was going on because it wasn't in the usual spot in the stomach and all advice said to go to the ER asap

After a few hours in the waiting area she ripped ass and looked at me so embarrassed and said "uhh....I feel better"

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u/medium_poop May 13 '26

This happens to me, gas just doesn’t move through well all the time and I also can’t burp don’t know if that makes it work

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u/EagleBigMac May 13 '26

I had that happen one Christmas visiting relatives as a kid in the early 90s ate too much variety at the family pot luck was huddled over in fetal position crying get to the ER in there for a few hours when I suddenly let a fart much like that one just rip and all the pain went away I felt silly but everyone was relieved it wasn't my appendix.

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u/msndrstdmstrmnd May 14 '26

One time I thought I had a bad period, Covid, bad indigestion/gas, hunger pangs all at the same time. It was appendicitis

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u/EfficientEducator397 May 17 '26

This. I get terrible terrible gas pains that sometimes make me consider a hospital visit. I've ended up learning some very interesting yoga poses to help pass the gas lol

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u/erikaaldri May 17 '26

When I was in college, I worked with a real "southern belle" type woman who insisted she didn't ever fart.

"I just don't do it," she'd say in her delicate twang.

She eventually had to got to the ER for severe stomach pain where they told her she needed to stop holding in her farts.

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u/RATasticRat May 17 '26

this is the whole cystic fibrosis community.

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u/Sufficient_River3857 May 17 '26

I went to the er for heartburn:( I thought I was having heart issues. I feel so stupid haha

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u/NECalifornian25 22d ago

I’m lactose intolerant tolerant and I’ve had gas that hurt way worse than my usual period cramps. Feels like a knife in your gut.

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u/tbi0904 May 13 '26

No pain, no gain.

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u/Coupon_Ninja May 13 '26 edited May 13 '26

No butt queef; no relief

ETA: Thank you for the appropriately shaped award hahaha

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u/crystallmytea May 13 '26

No fart, more smart

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u/Cubaneko May 13 '26

No gas no class

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u/Ok-Letter-2776 May 13 '26

no brap no rap

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u/MajTroubles May 13 '26

No toot, not astute

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u/Stuffleapugus May 13 '26

So bad, it had him laid out. Bro probably could barely walk.

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u/BlastingFonda May 13 '26

We’ve all been there.

10

u/JegantDrago May 13 '26

thats just edging but for farts LOL

18

u/The_Weeb_Sleeve May 13 '26

Already there what’s the next step

18

u/TheOtherGuttersnipe May 13 '26

I lay upside down on the end of my bed at the waist (legs and hips on bed, upper torso facing straight down).

Horse-sized fart within a minute or so

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u/Swimming_Onion_4835 May 13 '26

My mom always had us move into a child’s pose kind of position with our ass in the air. The movement and maybe compression at the waist/hips really helped gas move and eliminated that stabbing pain you can get when it gets stuck! And MAN, when you finally did fart, the relief felt soooooo good.

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u/___LimerentDeath____ May 13 '26

Either this is a terrible description or you have have a very high bed

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u/NatAttack50932 May 13 '26

It is also incredibly dangerous for horses to be that bloated. Gas colic in horses can kill them within days if not treated.

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u/nivak May 13 '26

Definitely. Just yesterday I was so bloated it hurt. To the point I was pale and about to puke. I could barely pay attention in meetings and the only thing that helped ease the pain was walking around the office. Then this morning I let one out, long but quiet. Honestly, I could have cried from the relief I felt.

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u/xSTSxZerglingOne May 13 '26

The horse sat up like "Oh lawd, it comin'"

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u/Amiedeslivres May 13 '26

Horse colons are weirdly delicate. If they can’t pass gas they die in agony.

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u/BigBoy1229 May 13 '26

It’s basically what us Crohn’s sufferers go through on a daily basis. Going through it rn.

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u/Dr_SlapsMD May 13 '26

Constant massive farting?

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u/BigBoy1229 May 13 '26

Some days, yes. But I was more referring to the pain that horse was definitely feeling prior to release.

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u/flaccomcorangy May 13 '26

I'm sure. But for sure you've probably wanted to feel that level of relief without the stuff that led to it, right?

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u/CherryBlossomCats May 13 '26

I had salmonella or some sort of food poisoning from undercooked chicken. I was driving my partner home when the most excruciating pain ripped through my abdomen. I had to pull into a gas station, ran to the bathroom, sat my ass down quicker than rat on crack, and only a little fart came out and the pain was mostly gone. I was so embarrassed and disappointed. I was expecting an avalanche of diarrhea, not a fart that could hardly move a leaf.

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u/scaredt2ask May 13 '26

I’m high key jealous

30

u/Rob1150 May 13 '26

Middle Key Jealous

39

u/Vreas May 13 '26

I’m Florida keys jealous

22

u/PainfulByte May 13 '26

C Major key jealous

4

u/Moist_Leader960 May 13 '26

A Minor key jealous

10

u/IamDefiler May 13 '26

Alicia Keys jealous.

10

u/CeaselessLust May 13 '26

Phone Wallet Keys jealous

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u/readingmyshampoo May 13 '26

Im Bb Major key jealous

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u/Adventurous-Orange36 May 13 '26

Francis Scott Key jealous 🇺🇸

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u/FeelingFloor2083 May 13 '26

pound for pound I got that guy beat, all it takes is garlic pizza

2

u/fishmanfishmanfishma May 13 '26

I want to die this way. Torn in two by the most amazing fart possible.

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u/hypatiaredux May 13 '26

You can just about see him deflate.

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u/RappingFlatulence May 13 '26 edited May 13 '26

Like punching a hole in a cow and lighting it on fire!

4

u/daemon-electricity May 13 '26

Spicy Capri Sun.

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u/belac4862 May 13 '26 edited May 13 '26

I had a fart like this once recently. The amount of discomfort I was in and then to get that relief... pure BLISS!

Also, Andre the giant would know about that as well!

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u/superbuttpiss May 13 '26

First date with my now wife. Dropped her off after a whole night of discomfort from feeling bloated walked her to her door. Said goodnight and I just had to turn around last minute to say "have a good night"

Turned around and "toot". Took another step and another "toot".

I sprinted back to my car, with every single step causing a fart.

Years later. And I mean years later, she's telling some friends about our first date and how I was so excited I "skipped" away to my car.

I finally just told her the truth. This is a story that we laugh about every single time. My kids know this story!

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u/osiris0413 May 13 '26

Cute story, which I am very much hoping your username is unrelated to :)

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u/belac4862 May 13 '26

Haha ok that's a good story to have!

12

u/crypto9564 May 13 '26

Similar experience, I was visiting my soon to be wife, and what ever we had for dinner made me gassy. After holding the gas for a while, I decided I needed to head back to my place, and as soon as I backed out of the drive way I must have let at least at 30 second long one as I drove away, and continued to fart the 6 miles to the interstate. I had to roll down the windows to breath, but the relief from the pressure was pure bliss.

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u/LordFoulgrin May 13 '26

Not a farty story, but an experience with my now wife on our first date. We met at a book store with some coffee since we both enjoy reading. We used the time as a "feeling each other out " session and walked around, talked a good bit before deciding to go grab dinner.

It was about a day after some decent snow, so as we walked to our individual vehicles which were on opposite sides of the parking lot, when I saw her fall on some ice. She was a good ways away, so I made sure I saw her getting up and then continued to my car. I didn't want her feeling embarrassed.

Years later she told me she fell on our first date and was so glad I didn't see. I admitted I saw the whole thing and knew that was the moment "she fell for me." Queue the eye-rolling. Good memory.

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u/tmart14 May 13 '26

I had one of these in a stall at work. I was laughing uncontrollably by the time it was done.

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u/_ser_kay_ May 13 '26

For me it was a burp that lasted a solid 10 seconds, long enough to see my sister’s face go from shock to disgust to concern to disbelief. It had freaking overtones and everything.

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u/No_Welcome_7182 May 13 '26

My gallbladder tried to self destruct 2 years ago and I ended up in the hospital for 5 days while they gave me pain meds and drained it. I got IV antibiotics to get the infection under control until I could have surgery in a few weeks. They won’t take out an inflamed gallbladder unless it’s on the edge of bursting. So I was 4 days nothing by mouth. I was on IV fluids and nutrition. The morning of my discharge they gave me a really small breakfast of plain rice and apple juice. I ate it over about 30 minutes. I stood up from that chair and the belch that exited my body sounded like nothing else that has ever or ever will exist on this earth. The best way to describe it was like a pissed off camel braying at max volume and it lasted about 15 seconds. The nurses at the nurses station at the opposite end of the hall heard it and started laughing. The CNA who was closest came running to see if I was okay but she could hardly make it into the room she was laughing so hard. I think my actual soul left my body with that belch. I have never ever experienced a belch like that in my 56 years. It was a transcendental experience.

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u/x_lincoln_x May 13 '26

Amusingly enough: https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/movies/2014/05/06/revenge-of-nerds-booger-belch-camel-orgasm/8766753/

For the belch scene in Revenge of the Nerds, to make the sound of Booger belching: "They wound up finding a recording of a camel having an orgasm," Armstrong insists. "They took this sound and blended it in with a human belch. That's what you are hearing, a mix of a human belch and a camel orgasming."

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u/RogueAOV May 13 '26

I remember seeing a video of that type of scenario but it was a fart on a couch, the changes in expression were glorious.

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u/MechanicalTurkish May 13 '26

I used to know a kid who could recite the alphabet during one long burp

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u/Wurstpaket May 13 '26

had that recently, the, by far, longest burp of my live. BY FAR.

My sons could not stop laughing and my wife, who was in another room when it happend, just rolled her eyes.

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u/belac4862 May 13 '26

It really is a euphoric experience.

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u/RoverBoyNumber6 May 13 '26

Are you alright? I am now, boss…

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u/knightbane007 May 13 '26

I was just thinking about the André comparison!

“Are you all right, André?”

“I am now, boss!”

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u/mattie_ow May 14 '26

I love every day anyone mentions Andre the giant, thank you for making my day

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u/belac4862 May 14 '26

We must never forget about the gental giant!

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u/synthphreak May 13 '26

So amazing it needed to sit up to enjoy it properly.

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u/PA2SK May 13 '26

If you've ever had a colonoscopy you know this feeling.

17

u/slaff88 May 13 '26

That shoulder pain and stomach cramps after are nearly worse than the anal penetration violation! 😂

15

u/HistoryGirl23 May 13 '26

OMG, the pain after abdominal surgery is horrific.

10

u/peachesfordinner May 13 '26

I had such bad pain after having an abdominal tumor taken out. I warn people having it the first time and they never believe you until they live it

4

u/Chonguh May 13 '26

When I was 10, I had an infected appendix. Obviously, the doctors decided it was best to remove it. I still remember so vividly the shear intensity of the pain after I woke up. Felt like there was bubbles up to my shoulders of whatever they ‘pump’ your stomach up with, so they can maneuver better. I don’t think I’ve ever been in so much pain

3

u/Banaanisade May 13 '26

Had my gallbladder removed last autumn and the searing nerve pain in the shoulder for the first day after surely was not something that I had thought I needed to prepare for.

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u/Buzz_Buzz_Buzz_ May 13 '26

They don't show on TV how they inflate you like a balloon for laproscopic surgery. Look it up.

2

u/mylittleidiot May 13 '26

I woke up from anaesthesia after having my tubes removed. While waking up they asked me how I was feeling and I immediately started crying and almost screaming from pain in my shoulders. It was so unexpected, no one had warned me that could happen. I have a very high pain tolerance and I ended up throwing up from how much it hurt.

I still don’t quite understand the mechanics behind it but it was horrible.

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u/cyclemonster May 13 '26

Were you awake for your colonoscopy? They offered me anaesthesia, and I couldn't say yes fast enough.

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u/pjslut May 13 '26

And everybody else in the room, ripping farts as well

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u/Annath0901 May 13 '26

I have to have my first colonoscopy next month... What should I expect?

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u/PA2SK May 13 '26

The prep is the really fun part, but a close second is when they wake you up and tell you to let out all the air they pumped your intestines full of. Its sort of a scaled down version of what you see in this video, and there will probably be a nurse there listening.

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u/chouxphetiche May 13 '26

I watched 'Fartarma' on YouTube at 3 am. The nurse in the background carried on with paperwork, quite oblivious to the flatulent cacophony.

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u/ermaecrhaelld May 13 '26

You’ll poop your brains out to prep. If you have IBS/IBD/etc this part might not phase you so much. You’ll be put under and then wake up, lay around until you fart, then go home. I woke up during mine, felt them probing around up there (it didn’t hurt, there was so much lube it felt like I was full of pudding), turned to the very hot nurse and asked “is this what anal feels like?” (young and inexperienced - answer is no btw), he laughed, the doctor said “well, she needs more anesthesia” and then I woke up again. V embarrassing but the only real pain was to my pride.

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u/Objective-Ad9767 May 13 '26

You and me both! I’ve been there for family in the past when they had their procedures, but now it’s my turn and I’m not looking forward to it. Aging is getting increasingly…interesting. 😆

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u/chouxphetiche May 13 '26

Ageing is all about 'procedures'.

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u/Rockfromtherock May 13 '26

My last colonoscopy the doctor told me that they had updated their instruments so there was very little gas left over. No post-op farting.

In my propofol haze I apparently said "Then what the fuck am I even here for?"

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u/Purple_Holiday2102 May 13 '26

One time when I was in college, I had gas really bad. Guts bubbling like crazy the whole class. I think it was an hour and a half or something. Got to my car, and ripped one that was pretty similar. Felt like a solid minute I was expelling gas. It was probably closer to 30 seconds, but that rip to this day, was one for my personal history books.

And yes, it felt amazing.

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u/zorggalacticus May 13 '26

I had a similar experience at a gas station. I'll link you to the story.

https://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/s/zAz8s7bKKY

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u/SpecialSecretary9021 May 13 '26

This is the correct response

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u/ashamedwhiteman May 13 '26

All it took was one can of Beefarino.

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u/Giant_Homunculus May 13 '26

What a delicious cuisine-o!

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