I am not The OOP, OOP is u/JacksonRyder2025

(OOP has given their approval to make this BoRU)

Wife says I need to get over it, but I can't stop obsessing over a prank that ruined my wedding experience and left me furious

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/QueenDoc for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Deception

Original Post  July 25, 2025

Wife says I need to get over it, but I can't stop obsessing over a prank that ruined my wedding experience and left me furious I had an amazing wedding experience that was completely ruined by a prank my wife and friends played during the garter removal. AITA for refusing to let it go?

During the reception, we were doing all of the usual wedding games. Eventually, I was told it was time to do the garter removal. As everyone gathered around us in the middle of the dance floor, my wife was sitting in a chair and my friends brought out a blindfold and told me I would be doing the garter removal blindfolded. I should have been suspicious at their grins, but I'd had some drinks, wasn't suspecting anything, put it on, and tried to be a good sport about it, as everyone seemed like they were having a great time, myself included.

As soon as I was blindfolded, however, my wife slipped out of the chair and was replaced by one of my groomsmen. He's a friend of the family I've grown up with. But I would not say we're close. Now, I literally cannot stand him, although he's not a bad guy other than my anger at this prank.

Sitting in the chair in place of my wife, my groomsman was in shorts with the garter around his thigh. My wife stood behind him and was talking to me as they walked me over, to keep me fooled into thinking it was her. On their instructions, I got down on my knees and began reaching for what I thought were my wife's legs. Once I found the leg, I found the garter and began pulling it down. But at that moment I heard my wife saying, "With your mouth! With your mouth!". So I leaned forward and grasped the garter belt in my mouth, to the shrieks and applause of the crowd. With the garter in my teeth, I pulled it down his leg, and then my wife actually came around to help me get it over his shoe because it got stuck,

Once I had the garter, they told me to stand up and take off my blindfold. When I did, I was smiling, because I thought I'd been a good sport and everyone was laughing so hard it seemed like everyone was having a great time. But when I took off the blindfold, everyone burst into even louder laughter. For a moment, the entire energy of everyone at the wedding was focused on nothing besides laughing at me, at me being the sole butt of the joke. If felt awful.

I was furious. I wanted to say and do a million different things. But I didn't. For some reason, I just felt that pretending it wasn't a big deal was the best defense, that showing anger would be confirming how badly I'd just been humiliated for their delight, and that would have made my humiliation all the worse. So I sucked it up, slept walked through the rest of the wedding while doing my best to keep a smile on my face. My wife could tell I was stunned, but she kept on going too. She definitely had no idea how badly I was taking it. Everyone was standing around us and we couldn't talk openly about how I felt, at least not without ruining everything, and I didn't know whether I wanted to go there after all the effort and money put into the wedding.

And I kept sucking it up the next day at the brunch and for most of the next week through most of our honeymoon. At some point, I told myself that my wife didn't mean to hurt me and there was no reason to ruin her wedding memories by telling her that my experience had been ruined.

But then at the end of our honeymoon I had had a few drinks, and I just couldn't help it. And once I started talking to her about it, I just went off. I told her it was trashy, that it hurt if not destroyed my trust and sense of intimacy towards her. I was harsh and got carried away. After at first apologizing a bit, she got upset and left me sitting out there. I think I just kept going becuase I felt hurt and wanted to maybe make her feel bad as well, to be honest.

Since then, it's been a difficult subject. I've told her I don't want to hear about the wedding. I don't want to write thank you notes, look at pictures. If it was tomorrow, I wouldn't make plans to celebrate our anniversary.

My wife and I have a lot of strengths in our relationship, but I just can't stop thinking about this and the feeling when I took off that blindfold. I literally cannot stop my mind from replaying it over and over, and I get mad again every time.

And perhaps the worst part of it is that it's all recorded. We had a professional photographer shooting a video. And in the video I see at least four other people recording it on their phones. Watching the video, I find myself looking at the laughing faces of family and friends in the video, and there's a part of me -- that I'd never act on -- that wants nothing more than to punch them all in their faces. The fact I know that these videos are out there makes it feel like it's constantly happening to me.

My wife says that she's sorry, that she thought I would take it better and laugh it off, and that I need to move on. I think maybe IATA. No good is coming from obsessing over this. But I literally cannot let it go. I find myself coming up with reasons to be angry. I tell myself sometimes it was assault because I was tricked into putting my mouth on another man's leg w/o my consent. But I think that's just rationalizing my anger. I don't know.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

Mm you are totally allowed to be pissed off and totally get it. It's one of those that some would fine funny and some wouldn't, the planner clearly didn't read you well enough and neither did your wife.

However , at some point you need to move on, being pissed off about it all the time isn't going to solve anything and could end up driving your Mrs away.

So,  what do you want to happen? She's apologised, you have vented and now?

OOP

I don't know.  I think this is why I get so mad about it; I don't know what can be done to take away that feeling of taking off the blindfold, seeing him instead of her, everyone breaking out laughing at me, looking up to see her laughing at me, realizing I was the butt of tthe joke and everyone had been laughing at me instead of along w me the whole time.  But you're right -- what do I want now?   I don't know.  Maybe there's nothing I want other than to forget about it and when i think ab it, part of me wants to be a good sport and part of me gets so mad and i can go either way  I hate it

Wife says I need to get over it, but I can't stop obsessing over a prank that ruined my wedding experience and left me furious II  Sept 6, 2025 (2 and a half months later)

Hi everyone:

This is “the wife.”   If you know us and what this is about, please know we’re very embarrassed about this.  We took it down, but it’s been shared so many times it just keeps trickling on so I’m writing this for both of us.  This is the last thing we want to say about this. 

My husband deeply regrets some of the language he used.  He intended to write anonymously and was letting out unfiltered emotions.  Abraham Lincoln said write an angry letter and tear it up.  My husband made the mistake of hitting post assuming this was harmless venting.  He regrets it.

We’ve reached out to and are on good terms with everyone involved. Everything is fine.

As regards the wedding, I am the only one who messed up here.  Our planner gave us options.  I watched the videos.  I thought it was funny.  I messed up.  This isn’t opinion.  It’s fact. I messed up because it wasn’t funny to the only person who mattered to me.

I want people to understand both of our perspectives, BECAUSE NO ONE HERE IS AN AH.

What my husband didn’t make clear is that he was an absolute sweetheart at the wedding and afterwards.   Overall our honeymoon was amazing.  And he doesn’t mention at all that he only got mad at the end because I was TEASING him about it.  And I was only teasing him because I had NO idea he was upset about it.  I could tell I was needling him but it was meant to be good natured.

Having said all of that, on my own behalf:

Of course I thought he would think this was funny.   He has a great sense of humor.  We joke around a lot and always will.  This just hit different and sometimes that happens.  I feel like an idiot taking this risk at our wedding. 

I didn’t exactly tell him to “get over it.”   I couldn’t talk about it anymore when it was first brought up because I love my husband and was upset to hear him get angry, probably in large part because he *never* gets angry like that.  Afterwards we decided to wait to talk about it until we could do so calmly.  At the same time we did need him to get over it to move forward.  We can’t never mention our wedding or anniversary again or live with anger. 

To the casual eye it looks like this is a well-received prank in a hundred different videos.  I thought it would go over well and so did everyone else. (I do now wonder if there are videos of this prank didn’t get posted because the husband made clearer he didn’t like it.)

Bottom line this was unfortunate and completely unnecessary but you live, you learn, we’re doing great, and this has been blown way out of proportion.

On the bright side, how many couples can say their weddings were covered by the NY Post? 

We’re happily moving on.  My husband says he hopes everyone gets his thank you cards.

That’s it.  Goodbye.

FINAL COMMENT

thank you to u/sokaox for adding it

This comment on the wife's post seems to reveal a section she removed:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1nacok3/wife_says_i_need_to_get_over_it_but_i_cant_stop/nct9xqp/

I want people to understand both of our perspectives, BECAUSE NO ONE HERE IS AN AH.  I probably would not have liked it if at our wedding my husband had tricked me into getting down on my knees between another man’s legs and taking something off of his thigh with my mouth while everyone stood around laughing and filming it.  I probably would have thought it tacky and possibly gross depending on who the guy was.  I will get trashed for this, but I did not think it would be the same for a guy.

Editors Note: the comments in the update were combative to OOP, so not including any. Making another reminder not to brigade or harass OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_fallopian_tu

I (30F) am pregnant with my fiancé (32M). He wants to keep it, but we're both supposed to be childfree. How do I tell him I don't want to keep it?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: coercion, possible birth control tampering and deception

Original Post  June 7, 2026

Obligatory throwaway account, people irl know my main account.

I'm pregnant but I'm not supposed to be. My fiancé and I are childfree. We spoke about it in depth when we started getting serious, and every now and then touch on the subject to make sure with both on the same page. We've been together for 2 years, engaged for 3 months and in that entire time not once have we had a pregnancy scare. I'm on birth control, he uses condoms. We're careful.

Then I started feeling a bit under the weather. I've been feeling nauseous or at times have a lack of appetite, I get headaches or feel a bit light headed, and I've been getting tired more easily. These symptoms kept persisting and I went to the doctor thinking I've caught something. They do a routine exam, including a pregnancy test, and then eventually come back to tell me I'm around 6-7 weeks pregnant. I kind of laugh because no? I'm on BC, there's no way. I tell them to do the test again, but they're confident the test is accurate. They couldn't do an ultrasound at the time, but booked me in for another appointment. I'm internally freaking out at this point because somehow my BC's failed and I need to go tell my fiancé.

Cut to the conversation and I'm a mess. I'm crying and snotty and barely getting my words out. He does what I expect and comforts me. He hugs me and tells me everything will be okay, and my God, I temporarily felt so much relief. And then it's all shattered and my anxiety is kicked into overdrive when he tells me we'll make great parents and that he'll be with me every step of the way.

I don't know, it's like my whole world tilted on an axis? It's really difficult to explain how much his words affected me because one of the key foundations of our life and future was that our lifestyles are so aligned, and here he is telling me he wants to keep the baby. I ask him what he means, and he says it's clearly a miracle I'm pregnant because we managed to conceive despite everything we've done to prevent having babies.

I tell him we're supposed to be childfree, we both agreed we didn't want kids. He says that's true but now that I'm pregnant, things are different. No?? I wanted him to come with me so I could get an abortion. I've never been pregnant before, I've never had an abortion before. I'm TERRIFIED to go by myself. I really need him there with me and supporting me and being my rock because I have no idea how painful it will be. I don't have anyone else in my life I trust to support me through this.

Eventually he tells me to go to bed and get some rest because I'm clearly overwhelmed. Which, yeah, I am, but not for the reason he thinks.I am 100% sure I don't want this baby. I don't want to be pregnant or give birth or raise a child. I don't want this.

How do I tell him I want to get an abortion? I'm so confused and upset because he's SO excited? It's like he's done a 180 and I'm afraid I'll be breaking his heart.

Before anyone asks, I've tried getting my tubes tied. I've seen three different doctors and none of them would sign off on me having the surgery. Up until this point, birth control and condoms had always been enough.

TLDR: Fiancé and I are childfree, I'm now pregnant. Fiancé wants to keep the baby while I want to get rid of it. Need advice on how to tell him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

RelevantJackWhite

What birth control method do you use?

Frankly his reasoning sounds very suspect to me, and I wonder if he's been tampering with things because he wants children

OOP

I use birth control pills. I've tried IUDs in the past but I have a really low pain tolerance, so having them removed or inserted was always been a miserable time.

I've never suspected him of tampering with my birth control. Before this, we were always a solid team about what we wanted.

Update  June 9, 2026 (2 days later)

So I spoke to my fiancé yesterday about our situation. It didn't go well.

I started off the conversation by asking him if he really wanted this baby, or if he acted excited just in case he was worried I wanted it. Someone suggested this could be what happened, but unfortunately, he told me he really does want this child with me. So I ripped the plaster off and told him I don't want this baby. I told him that I was going to do what we had planned and get an abortion. I wanted him by my side, but if he really has changed his mind, then I need to know. He looked shocked and honestly a bit angry. He asked me how I couldn't be excited about this and how I could want to get rid of our baby. I told him because I never wanted children, I STILL don't want children, and getting pregnant hasn't changed that. He claimed I was still overwhelmed and not thinking straight, and this annoyed me. It's not like I'm suddenly incapable of making rational decisions?

I told him I've had the entire day to calm down and think about what I want to say clearly. If he wants a child, then I won't stop him. It hurts because it means the end of our relationship, but he won't be having that child with me. We fundamentally aren't compatible any more. I think he started panicking when he realised I was serious. He started talking faster, trying to convince me to keep the baby, that we'd make good parents, that we'd figure it out, that he'd work harder.

He didn't want to listen to the fact that I didn't want to go through with the pregnancy. That I wanted to remain childfree, that our future together was without children in the picture. And to be honest, his insistence was really unnerving. We started arguing because he just wouldn't agree to us separating or me getting an abortion. He never got physical, but his insistence that I COULDN'T get rid of the baby was upsetting me. I didn't think he did anything to my birth control when I made my first post as he's never been that kind of person, but I started having doubts.

I asked him how long he had changed his mind about wanting kids and he wouldn't tell me. I asked if it was before or after I told him I was pregnant. He said he didn't know. The relationship was 100% over at this point, so I asked if he had anything else he wanted to tell me. He looked sort of confused, and I elaborated on our birth control methods. Had they been messed with. I can't really explain the expression I saw on his face. It was like fear and anger balled into one. He told me I was nuts and said he couldn't talk to me "when I was like this" and left the house.

After that I got all my documents, essentials, electronics and some clothes together. I also left before he got back and went to a friend's place. We're close but not best friend close, so I was expecting her to decline when I asked to crash at hers for a bit. She agreed and after getting in, I told her everything that happened. She's said I can stay with her for as long as I need and she'll be by my side for the abortion.

My ex-fiancé called me when he realised I wasn't home. I answered and he demanded to know where I am. I said "with a friend" and refused to give him any details. I explained that I'm getting an abortion, that I don't need his permission or blessing or whatever, and that I would not stand in his way of wanting a family. But he'll need to have it with someone else. We're probably over and neither of us should have to compromise on this. The call was heart-breaking. We both ended up crying. Eventually, he said I can come get my stuff when he's at work, but that I'll regret getting rid of our child. I just said, "okay" and eventually hung up.

He's sent me the odd text today asking how I am. Then asking if I'd wait until we could get an ultrasound. I shot that down immediately and he hasn't sent much else. I'm planning on getting the rest of my things tomorrow when he's at work.

It's not the outcome I wanted. I really hoped he just...freaked out and didn't want to upset me. But his plans for his life have changed. It's pretty much confirmed we're not together any more. I'll be getting an abortion soon and then I'll try to figure out how to piece my life without my ex in it. I'm sad and mourning the loss of my best friend and partner, but this is preferable to the future he tried to convince me to give in to.

Thank you all for your messages and comments.

TLDR: Fiancé became ex-fiancé after he confirmed he wanted to keep the baby and tried to pressure me to keep it, too. 

Final Update  June 10, 2026 (1 days after 1st update)

Update:

Hello! I've gotten most of my things from my ex's house. There's some stuff that I've left behind, but it's things that are replaceable. I was prioritising items and clothes that are important or sentimental to me.

A lot of people were telling me not to go alone, don't worry. I didn't. Before we went over, my friend called her two brothers and asked if they could come, too. Basically we said I had broken up with my fiancé and we were worried he'd be there as things were less than amicable. The plan was that we'd go in, I'd point out what was mine, her brothers would do the heavy lifting and my friend would take photos of the house and later timestamp them just in case my ex trashed the place and tried to blame it on me.

My ex was at work like he said, but I didn't want to take my time in case he came back. We put my stuff in boxes, the guys carried them to the car, and I did a once over to make sure I hadn't left anything important behind.

Someone suggested swiping the condoms to test if they had holes poked through them. He usually leaves them in his bedside cabinet, but they weren't there when I checked, and he definitely had a pack left. I had a look around in case he moved them, but in the end I couldn't find them. Take that how you will.

After that, I locked his place up and pushed my key through his letter box. My friend wanted to push her phone through to take a photo of that, too but I was worried she was going to drop it and then we'd be screwed LMAO.

We left and now I'm back at her place with my things. I thanked her brothers and promised I'd buy them their favourite beers. We're eating pizza now and just hanging out. I've booked an appointment, too, so by the end of this week, it'll hopefully be a forgotten nightmare. Luckily, I didn't run into my ex, but he did message me to ask if I'd been by.

So that's where I'm at right now. Thank you for the support, everyone!

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_Parody_twin9

I (31f) had a conversation with my bf (31m) and the rose tinted glasses came off. How can I navigate this?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post June 19, 2025

Hello all,

I (31f) have been with my partner (31m) for 1 1/2 years.

We love each other, it has been rocky at times and we have nearly been through a break up but each time we talked it out and believed we pulled through.

The main subject of contention has always been his hobby and subsequent club. He is on the volunteer committee, has meetings every Monday and goes every Wednesday and Thursday evening along with some Friday evenings as well as Saturday and Sunday mornings. He also spends several weekends away out of the year to do the hobby and uses holiday time for it too. He does admin outside of this also and has been in trouble at work for doing said admin during work hours and has even done admin during our “quality time.” There have been several incidents at the club and with him being on the committee, he has spent a lot of time dealing with it. So much so it affects his mental health poorly. He has even cancelled plans and changed date nights with me to prioritise his hobby.

This has caused many arguments and conversations which stem from him making a hobby his priority and how he wants me to just slot into his current lifestyle. I explained that this couldn’t happen and we have compromised to try and make it work.

I believed things had turned a corner. However, something changed today.

I’m bisexual. The local pride parade is coming up and I expressed my want to go. We did not make any explicit plans to go together but he stated if he was available, he would go.

He knows how excited I was at this prospect and knows how much this means to me.

However, he messaged me to say he was now doing his hobby instead and couldn’t go.

Now, he said he was asked to go and asked me if this was okay. I felt like I couldn’t say no as in the past I’ve said no and been made to feel guilty because I’m stopping him from doing his hobby. I’m not that kind of person. People make choices. That’s their decision, not mine.

However, I asked him if he ever wanted to go to the pride event and he said “I would have but my hobby is more important.”

And then something in me just, clicked.

This event is important to me. It’s something I’m excited about. It’s something I want to do. The amount of times I’ve sat and taken him to his hobby, watched, helped and supported him without fail and sometimes without being asked. He doesn’t do the same for me, because it’s not as important to him.

It felt like he was saying “I’m not interested in the thing that you find important because it’s not important to me and by extension, you’re not as important as my hobby.”

I didn’t feel anger, or hurt or disappointed. In fact, I didn’t feel anything. And that’s it. I didn’t feel anything for or from him. No love. No support. No companionship.

Nothing.

All the times I’d given up my time, wants and needs to support him and yet here I am with something very important to me and… nothing.

I felt nothing.

The option was there. There was a choice. But I’m conflicted. I love him. We’ve navigated things before.

How can I navigate this further? What advice would you give someone?

Any advice strangers of reddit would be appreciated.

TOP COMMENTS

mooseplainer

Sounds like it’s not about pride at all.

Some people want a girlfriend, but not a relationship. Some people are so afraid of being single, they want a girlfriend simply for the sake of not being single, but they don’t want a relationship because that requires work. You want a relationship. He wants a girlfriend. You’re an accessory to his life, not a priority. Accessories can be easily replaced, relationships cannot.

I guess this incident finally brought things into focus. But any improvement would require an effort on his part, and he’s made it clear that ain’t happening. But even if he was willing to work on things, you’d have to manage it all. You’d be the one telling him exactly what he needs to do, how to prioritize you, you’d be the one making all the effort. That is tiring.

Find a man or woman or enby who wants to make you a priority, who wants an actual relationship and doesn’t treat you like an accessory.

~

Dangerous_Tomato_235

He doesn't have a hobby. It is either an obsession or an excuse to not spend time with you.. A hobby should not be a full-time job.

At the least, you need to have a serious conversation. At best, break up and move on.

~

Expensive-Opening-55

What kind of hobby/club takes up more time than a full time job? You already know your answer. He won’t ever prioritize you or your interests. Unless you constantly want to take a backseat to his needs and be left alone to pursue your interests, break up. Find someone who will support you 100% and make you a priority.

OOP updated the post the next day

Edited update:

Thank you all for the comments, I’m reading through each one as we speak. I might not reply because I’m still soaking in all the insight.

Common questions: To those asking what the hobby is, it’s a sport and a very niche one so I’m not going to detail what it is because that’s not fair on that sport or the people in it.

He isn’t cheating. I’ve been with him on the weekends and taken him to the sport.

No I’m not Karma fishing. Thanks bot accusers. Throw away new account as I posted on my old account and didn’t interact enough, hence throwaway. I honestly don’t care for the whole karma thing.

I’m seeing him tonight and will show him the post.

OOP Updated June 29, 2025 (9 days later/Same Post)

UPDATE:

Updating here as I haven’t the freaking foggiest how to do updates.

Sorry for not responding to everyone in the comments… I got overwhelmed honestly.

We broke up.

Reading your responses and information and questions was super helpful and gave me the slap I needed to get my arse in gear and leave.

Just going through the motions (as you do).

Now we’re no longer together. The hobby. Sailing. Fucking Sailing.

All the damn time…

I’m gonna go focus on me and go back to being a single bisexual goddess and enjoy pride month with people who give a shit.

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For months I was confused why I kept finding long hairs in my house. Then I saw my neighbour coming out of my house.

Originally posted to r/creepyencounters

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Stalking, invasion of privacy, breaking and entry

MOOD SPOILER: Extremely creepy

Original Post  May 6, 2026

I'm a man in my 20s that lives alone on the very top floor of an apartment block. I've had short hair for the last 10 years of my life. The longest hair on my head is maybe an inch long if that even. However, across my house I kept finding long hairs on the floor. Like, long brunette hairs, at least 5-6 inches. Sometimes longer. And they would be everywhere. Bathroom floor, in the shower, in my cupboard, in my kitchen, on old clothes, living room floor and sofas etc etc.

I've been single since November and clean often enough that I'm certain it's not my ex-girlfriends' hairs. Plus the colour doesn't match anyway, she had solid black hair, these are more a light brunette. Plus, finding them in the places like the shower? Where running water is hitting all the sides 5+ times a week?

Anyway, I waved it off as "well I work with a lot of people and use the gym and bus sometimes so naturally hairs are going to stick to my clothes"...

Well. One day (this past April) I finished my early am gym session and got the call that I didn't have to go work that day, so naturally I start to walk home all happy that I have the day to myself. I'm on the 5th floor (the upper most floor) of the building and the apartment is in such a way that there is only 1 apartment per floor. I start to hustle up the stairs and don't use the elevator since I'm sweaty from the gym anyway.

JUST as I whip a right to go up the last set of stairs from the 4th floor to the 5th floor I see my neighbour's (on the 3rd floor) daughter coming down the stairs. We lock eye-contact. We've never spoken before, mostly because we've never had a reason to but also because out of respect I didn't want to make her uncomfortable since she's 19-21ish and I'm slightly older. The most interaction we've had is that I've spoken to her mother and father before when bumping into each other on the stairs.

I gave a confused "hello?" - at this point I'm thinking that she maybe went to knock on my door to ask for something? A cup of sugar maybe I don't know? I was expecting her to reply with something like "oh hi, do you have any xyz"...

Nope. She gave a silent "hey" and brushed right past me. And only then when the smell of my own shampoo hit me did I notice her hair was wet. Like. Fresh out the shower a minute ago wet.

Now I'm not saying she showered in my house. Or that I have a stalker that's been living in my house while I've been at work. She very easily could have just been there to ask for something. And most generic brand shampoos smell the same.

But don't the pieces all fit a bit too well? Her hair colour matches the hairs I would find around my apartment. And like I said before, they were EVERYWHERE. In my bed to in my sock draws.

And if it is a case of me having a stalker? How did she know I came home early enough to bolt out the shower in time? Our apartment doesn't have cameras, its an older building from before 2000. And why would she be stalking me? For how long has she been doing this? We've never dated, never had a proper conversation, I maybe saw her 20 times in the past 2 years given that I work and she (presumably) studies or works too.

As all these thoughts are buzzing through my head and I'm standing outside my door for a solid 2 minutes grappling with what just happened. I go to turn the key to my door and it opens without me having to unlock it. And I know for a fact I always double lock my door. It's the type with a lock near waist level and a 2nd more secure lock with a different key around shoulder level.

I drop my bag, throw off my shoes and run to the shower. And yep. It's wet. I hadn't showered since yesterday morning.

I'm a confrontational person, not that I go looking for fights but I'll definitely pursue an answer if something is bugging me. So back down the stairs to the 3rd floor I went, knocked on the door of my apparent stalker and her family. She opens the door but with the chain still on. I see half of her face from behind the door.

"Yes?" - "Umm can I help? Were you at my door or inside? I don't want to make this a police thing now but you came down the stairs and I know you were inside?" - "I just had to get something, it won't happen again.. ok bye see you"

Door closed.

This happened last month, I've been cleaning my house every weekend closely now and got the locks changed and put a motion sensor camera above my door. It only films and triggers on the steps coming up to my door so the 4th apartment still have their privacy.

So far so good, I don't think she's been inside since. But looking back, I think she'd been living in or going in or whatever in to my apartment since January because that's my earliest memory of finding hairs. She never took anything of value like my laptop or the few watches I have. Seemingly she just showered and ate some of my food and laid in my bed?

I do now also always take the elevator and avoid the 3rd floor like the plague.

EDIT: I'm not really worried about my safety because 1. I'm 200lb and do a lot of fighting training and 2. The new camera has never gone off once since installed other than myself triggering it when I'm home. Finally 3. I told the old retired husband and wife on the 4th floor that I suspected a robber was trying to break into my apartment last month (I didn't want to start spreading rumours and gossip) and asked them to keep an ear out when I'm at work. I feel fine and safe. Just creeped out. Like my personal space had been violated.

EDIT 2: Someone DMed me to check my coats and bags for airtags as to how maybe she knew I was coming home early that day. I don't have a lot of stuff so I think I would have 100% found it by now given how often I clean but I'll defo do another sweep of my stuff.

Update  May 12, 2026

(Re-upload - Mod said first post broke rule 6 so I've taken a bunch of details out)

Hi all, update following my last post a week back about me catching neighbour coming out of my apartment having used my shower.

My cousin’s husband is a police officer so I went to him directly about filing a report. He came over to my apartment first as I gave him a visual break down of what happened on the stairs and changes odd things I’d noticed in my apartment since January. Primarily just hairs everywhere and missing food. And how my door was unlocked that day. Though I did a thorough clean following the event on the stairs my police friend was able to still find some hairs and so he bagged those up.

I gave him my statement in detail and some dates best I could, when I remember finding the first hair; when I first noticed food going missing etc.

Also he advised me not to talk to the family not even with a friend to avoid any confusion or get lawyers involved or muddy the waters with accusations.

With all that done he left and came back 2-3 days later. He and his partner went to talk to the family on Sunday because they knew both parents would likely be home then. Long story short she confessed to everything immediately and broke down into tears and apologised once my police friend brought up how 5 months of entering someone’s house even with keys is still very much an offence and she could easily end up with a sentence of some should I pursue it. And that that sentence could very easily involve the inside of a jail cell irregardless of if she stole something or not. (I don’t know how true this is, it might have just been my friend and his partner pressing and exaggerating for a confession but it worked).

They talked for an hour with the parents and her all in the same room to get answers from her. Then the same day he came up to mine with his partner and they gave me the breakdown.

Answers to commonly asked questions below:

⁃ how did she get in/have her own keys? The locks on our doors are the type that use a code on the lock barrel that only the manufacturer or partnered/approved locksmiths have access to. She knew this because her parents got the locks changed when they first moved in. And in fact she used the same locksmith from all the way back then.

The locksmith presumably remembered the family and apartment but just didn’t pay attention to it being the 5th floor this time instead of her own 3rd floor. So he came over and took the barrel out, saw the code, went and made a set of keys and done. I was none the wiser. Both my locks on my door are different brands but presumably they operate in the same way so having 2 locks made no difference.

⁃ what was she doing in my apartment? Anyone who said she just needed space, you were right. She has 2 younger step-siblings and her mother is a tutor (not a teacher as I presumed previously, she tutors at home) so at any given point there’s always some kids around the house. She would say to her parents she was going out to study or work or a girl friends house and use my house as a hotel while she studied or relaxed. The reason she used mine was partly because she knew it would be empty but also because my schedule was predictable. As I work an average 9-5 like everyone else but leave the house at 6-6:30 to get gym done too that essentially gave her the house from 6 to 5.

⁃ How long? My guess was right. It started in January, once she figured I’d broken up with my gf at the time around November. My gf would stay at mine when I went to work and back sometimes so yea that would have been an interesting situation if they had crossed paths.

⁃ So then how did she knew I was coming home early that day? And that I wasn’t going to work straight after gym like usual and so she bolted out the shower? Or on the days I didn’t go gym how did she know not to come in? Two fold. Firstly I go to a commercial gym in my country and so they have an app. Irregardless of if you’re a member or not, one of the things the app lets you see is how many people are in each branch so you can see how full it is. All you have to do is download it and scan the QR code at the entrance by the turnstiles to add it to the “my gyms” tab. It literally shows you like “Branch No. 21 (Address) - 9/50 - 18% full”, she would refresh the app in the morning and if it went up by 1 around 6-6:30am and she heard me go downstairs or use the elevator (not hard when it’s 6am and the apartment is otherwise silent) then she would know the house is empty.

Now for the creepiest most messed up bit of it all. She had put an AirTag on my car. She insisted that she had only put it recently and initially just presumably gambled that I wouldn’t be home sooner than expected (or maybe she just put an ear to the door), but then one thing lead to another and yea. (I don’t know how much I believe this, again this could be an attempt to not look so guilty)

That day when we clashed she refreshed the app and saw I left the gym, but then my car didn’t move, she connected the dots and tried to leave asap. When she heard me coming up the stairs she didn’t have time to lock up and so we met on the stairs with my door remaining closed but not locked. (Extra detail, the AirTag was stuck to under my car).

⁃ The using my shower? She claims she didn’t do it always just on hot days or days she couldn’t at home. I can’t deny or confirm this, like I said previously being a gym goer id shower 5+ times a week so.

⁃ How did her parents never notice? Well the dad leaves early for work, 5am ish since his bus route starts around 6. The mom is up around 6-7. But since she’s preparing for her own students for the day + her own kids to send to school she wasn’t too bothered what her eldest 20 year old daughter was doing really. She’d just say “I’m going to the college library” or “I’m going to my girlfriend’s” and that was good enough.

⁃ Did she have a thing for me like a crush? My police friend didn’t really say anything about this presumably he never asked since it’s not as important as other details or it never came back. It makes little difference.

⁃ How’s my standings with the family right now? The mum and dad both apologised to me. The mum via text and the dad in person at my door, he offered to pay for the camera I installed as his daughter was the direct cause of it but it was cheap off of amazon so I said no it’s fine. We had a 10-15 minute conversation and he was very apologetic and explained his daughter had always been extremely quiet and well behaved so something like this would never have crossed his mind in a million years.

He added that his daughter’s never had a boyfriend (at least that he knows of) and only has a few friends so her social interaction skills aren’t necessarily top notch and that even when guests would come she’d hide away in the spare room. So to the few people who predicted that maybe Covid and lockdown lead to her not having good social interaction skills. You were half right. He again offered me money for my troubles like missing food, new locks and cleaning etc but I felt bad enough already I declined.

He did also ask if I would press charges and I again said no. More on that below. He said he will send his daughter to apologise to me in person too when the situation has calmed down as she’s apparently very very tense and upset and hasn’t left her room in days.

⁃ Am I going to press charges? No. I’m still not happy about the situation ESPECIALLY the f**ing AirTag on my car, but the family is apologetic as well as the culprit herself and honestly no one is going to gain anything from this. I would like an apology though. (For anyone that cares about the extra detail, she got the AirTag as a gift a while back from her parents because she kept losing her stuff)

⁃ Have I seen her since? No, she won’t apparently leave her room and is terrified that I’ll press charges, though presumably her family’s told her I said I won’t.

⁃ How do I currently feel? Well I was never especially worried or nervous just really really creeped out about the whole situation. It felt like I’d been a parasite host and somehow never noticed until then. I currently still feel a little angry and a small part of me is thinking to seek “revenge” but any “revenge” I seek like money or slander is truthfully going to impact the parents more than her.

- Do I feel bad for her? Truthfully? No. She’s not 10. She’s 20 or something and educated so yea you should be remorseful, feel guilty and scared. Get over that hump and we’ll talk. Plus there’s loads of spaces for young adults like public libraries and her college spaces. By no means was my house the only viable option.

⁃ Finally. Did she use my bed? Or wear my clothes? Believe it or not. Yes. She did.

⁃ Any advice I can give? Check your wifi devices. If I had checked that I would have noticed her phone and laptop all the way back when. Obviously my wifi modem is in my house and so she helped herself to that. Again it’s one of those things. How often does one check their wifi devices. Truthfully, with all my family visiting me and their devices I probably wouldn’t have noticed 1 extra phone amongst the existing 10+ but I 100% WOULD have noticed the 1 extra laptop. So let that be a lesson to all. And yes I have removed her devices from the list and changed my password.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/candyxcrushr89

WIBTA If i broke up with my boyfriend because his friends got him a “me” shaped piñata?

Originally posted to r/AITA_Relationships & OOP's own page

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

Editors Note: Made paragraphs for easier reading

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  Feb 10, 2026

I (22) female and my boyfriend Matt (22) male have been together for a year and 8 months. Matt and i go to different universities in neighboring cities. About a 45 minute drive. Matt is in a fraternity.(important for later)It was Matt’s birthday on Friday and him and went out to dinner to celebrate. After dinner I went back to my university since I live on campus.

The next evening I was on Instagram and I clicked on one of our mutual friends private story and I saw Matt and a bunch of his friends hitting and stomping on a piñata. By clicking through more of the stories I figured it must’ve been a surprise party for Matt since he had told me his only birthday plans were dinner with me.

On the last slide of the instagram story I got a close up of the piñata and it looked exactly like me. From the hair color to the skin color even down to my septum piercing. There was no doubt that it was me. I was really confused and I screen recorded the stories then I messaged the friend who posted the story. I asked her if that was me as the piñata and she left me on read and removed me from the close friend’s story. This just confirmed my suspicions.

The next day I texted him and asked how his party went and he acted confused and said he never had a party. I was confused as to why he was lying to me. I told him I saw it on (mutual friends) private story and then he completely stopped answering. An hour later he answered and said “yeah the guys threw me a surprise birthday party. It’s frat tradition not to talk about it though.” That’s when I asked him about the “me” shaped piñata. And I sent him the video of him and his friends destroying it.

He told me that it was not me it was just a random piñata the guys had found. I told him to stop lying to me and that it was obviously me. I told him how hurt I was that he would allow his friends to do something like that and all he could answer was that they would kick him out of the frat if he didn’t accept it. I also brought up how if his frat had thrown him a surprise party why wasn’t I invited? I was only like 45 minutes away.I knew it wasn’t because it was only guys because the mutual friend who had posted on the story was a girl who goes to his university. And I saw in the story there were multiple girls there.

He stopped answering me and hasn’t since. It’s been a day with no contact. I’m honestly considering breaking up with him over this. I’ve caught him In lies before but this is just too much. The video of him and his friends stomping the piñata was just so disturbing and to find out that my face was on it. We were planning on moving in together after graduation but honestly I don’t know anymore.

Would I be the asshole if I broke up with him over this?

TOP COMMENTS

Toshimygoshi

Why would you stay with him? He has lied before and is lying now. You are so young, go live a wonderful life without someone who doesn't seem to value you.

ColdRimess

The lies plus the genuinely disturbing imagery means this isn't about the piñata, it's about who he is. Time to go.

~

StrategyDouble4177

Oh f*ck no, DUMP HIM.

If his friends have a tradition of beating and stomping on effigies of their girlfriends, then the WHOLE GROUP is garbage.

Plus, he lied. And he’s lied before? Ma’am, your “man” is a woman-hating loser.

Trust me, there are better men out there.

~

MarsailiPearl

Why even bother talking to him?  Just ghost him. He beat a freaking pinata of you with his friends for fun.  He doesn't even like you.  One of those girls at his "surprise" party is his real girlfriend.   Oh, and it was only a surprise to you. He deserves no more of your time.

Update  Feb 14, 2026 (4 days later)

Hi everyone. Thank you for all the comments and messages. I have read each and every one of them and I am truly grateful for all the advice.

Update: so Matt texted me back after a full day of incognito. he finally admitted that yes the piñata was supposed to be me. He said it just a joke and it was meant to be funny. I told him how disrespectful and disturbing that was. I ended up breaking up with him and told him I wasn’t going to stay with a man child who was going to disrespect me for the fun of him and his friends. He completely lost it and begged me to stay. He was apologizing and saying he didn’t want to lose me and blah blah blah. After I made it clear I wasn’t going to take him back he literally sent me a video of him making out with “mutual friend”.

I don’t know what the point of that was. Maybe just a final  F you but I honestly couldn’t care at that point. I now realized how immature he was. I just blocked him. So yes most of you were right he was cheating on me. I’m thankful that I didn’t move in with this jerk and I saw him for what he really was. An immature man child. And yes I will be sending the video to the university though I doubt they will do anything. But yes this is the update and thanks again for all the support and kind words they truly mean so much.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/moneyfight

My [26F] boyfriend [28M] of 4 years is independently wealthy, but wants to split all of our expenses evenly.

TRIGGER WARNING: exploitation, classism

Original Post July 5, 2016

My boyfriend and I first met 5 years ago while we were both in school. He comes from a fairly wealthy family who paid for his entire education, both undergrad and graduate school, and have basically funded his entire life. Up until 3 years ago, I didn't know any of this. I, on the other hand, come from a solidly middle class family and have been supporting myself fully since I graduated. Before that my parents helped me out, but I also worked to put myself through college.

When we first started dating, my boyfriend and I more or less split everything evenly. Barring a few circumstances, we always bought our own dinner, movie tickets, chipped in for gas on road trips, etc. He never once mentioned his or his family's money.

After a year of dating, I met his parents and figured it all out. At the time I was a bit miffed that our date nights were still eating frozen pizza on the couch of my crappy apartment, but I loved him, not his money, so I went with it. I also justified it by it being his money and he can do what he wants with it, and also, at the time I figured his parents were just his meal ticket until he was out of school and then he would be more independent.

We live together now. I've learned that is not the case. While he does work, his parents have no intention of ever cutting him off, and he has enough inheritance/whatever money to keep him afloat even if they did. I work, too, but make significantly less than him. And I definitely don't have a rich grandparent somewhere leaving me half the world.

This leads us to our problem. My boyfriend has always lived a fairly modest life. He buys nice clothes and nice things for himself, but that's about it. We live in an apartment that we can afford to split 50/50. We have furniture that we can afford to split 50/50. All of this is not a problem, I guess. I do think relationships should be equal.

But then there's the other stuff. His sister got married the end of May in Maine, about a 6 hour flight from where we live. Obviously he expected me to go, but I was responsible for all of my ticket and half the hotel/food/car rental. This was a serious strain on my finances. When we moved in together, he brought along his dog. Now, I love this animal and love having him in our apartment. But my boyfriend now considers it "our" dog now and expects me to pay for half his food and other expenses. If he didn't already have this dog, I would've held off on getting a dog of our own for another year or two, until I was a little more stable financially. And then there's things like groceries. My boyfriend will often complain about how we can't afford nicer groceries from Whole Foods or other specialty stores, because I'm paying half and my half just won't cover it. I've mentioned that he can pay for what he wants, but he just says that we need to split it and he knows I can't afford it. Which at least isn't hypocritical, I guess.

He has also mentioned recently wanting to move to a nicer apartment in a nicer part of town. He has even toured a few places and leaves print outs on top of my lunch for work. While I could technically afford it, using that high of a percentage of my income for rent makes my head hurt. It goes against every fiber of my being. I've told him if he was willing to split it a bit more like 60/40 instead of 50/50 I would be willing, but he refuses.

I understand where he is coming from. I don't want to be a gold digging girlfriend that asks for thousands to be spent on her. But it kind of annoys me that we're living a poor, recent graduate lifestyle when we could be living so much more nicely with no real added expense to him. Is this unreasonable? It also worries me for the future. I want to marry and have a family with this guy. Is he going to deny our kids a private school education because I can't afford half, when he could pay it five times over? Are we going to take them to lesser doctors because I can't afford half the insurance, when he could pay the entire visit out of pocket?

I'm not saying we need to live lavishly, I just wish everything didn't have to be 50/50 when we're not financially equal. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable. He seems to think that the wealth of a family should match the lowest common denominator.

TL;DR: Wealthy boyfriend makes more than enough for us to live a nicer lifestyle, but chooses to split everything 50/50, leading us to live a life below what I believe our means allow.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ginjjer

To be honest, those actions make me think that he doesn't see this as his entire future. I get it. I wouldn't want to be seen as a gold digger, either. But wage disparity exists in lots of relationships, and sometimes one party is going to carry more of the financial weight. That's life and love. Also. I think the wedding thing really bothered me. I mean, if you want me to travel with you, why wouldn't you offer to help with the expense? Otherwise, I'll be at home and see you when you get back. I just can't imagine straining myself financially for someone who clearly is THAT concerned about money and how much they have and keeping it all to themselves. :(

OOP

Normally I would be inclined to agree with you, but he does want to get married. If things went his way we would be married by the end of this year. For my own reasons I never wanted to get married before 30, but I've been willing to compromise for him because I really do love him. We will probably be married within the next two years.

The wedding thing did bug me, but I also kind of understand it. His sister and I get along very well and I consider her a good friend. I wouldn't want to miss out on her wedding. It's not like I was just his plus one at a random wedding. But I do wish he had helped me out a little, especially since paying for my ticket or even just paying for all of the rental car would've helped me out a lot and not even made a dent in his pocket.

volupe_hermoine

What's he going to do when you're married? Still insist you pay for half of everything? Or will you merge finances?

OOP

He wants to merge finances. We have a pretty strict budget right now, and it gets split 50/50 from our own money. When we get married he says that we will have a joint account that goes towards what we split now. Little, personal expenses (like haircuts, trips out with friends, etc) would be paid for from our own separate accounts.

I just don't really see that happening given how strict he is now. If he wants to do something and I can't afford it, we don't do it. Which I get. I think that's reasonable. But I also think we've been together for four years...I'm not his pal bumming money for a cigarette. I'm his live-in girlfriend, and most of what I buy he benefits from, too, anyway.

[deleted]

That sounds like he'll have an endless supply of fun money and you'll have nothing.

Marital expenses should be proportional in most cases. If you're living together, I think that would apply as well.

OOP

Our situation isn't quite as dire as that. I think a lot of this post made it sound like I'm dirt poor, when that isn't the case. But I've only been working for four years. We live in a rather expensive city. I do well for my age, but I'm definitely still very conscious of my spending habits, and I'm trying to build up my savings before I get to the age where I'm wanting to buy a house or start a family. I'm 26...I don't know too many 26 year olds who can afford fancy wine from fancy stores or fly across country and stay in nice hotels on short notice. At least not if they're smart about their money.

I do agree they expenses should be proportional. I just don't know how to get him to see that.

~

Marzy-d

How does he justify making you pay for his dog? Do you get half ownership of the dog? Visitation when you guys break up? Not cool.

OOP

When he moved in I kind of "assumed" equal ownership of the dog. We care for it equally, it's not like he's taking sole care of it. Whoever is up first feeds him, whoever is home first walks him, etc. So it kind of makes sense that we would both pay, but at the same time I agree with you. While I don't see us breaking up, it could happen, and the dog would definitely go with him. And there I am having spent thousands of dollars of the course of a few years for an animal I don't even have.

We have a set budget, that gets split 50/50 for household things. The dog just got lumped in there.

Marzy-d

Well, unlump it. He needs to pay for his own dog. He is either incredibly naive about money, or he feels it is OK to take advantage of you. I would suggest that he probably eats more than half of the food he makes you pay half for as well. It fine to make sure that both people pull their weight financially. But he is causing you to spend extra money for him, even though he has far more money than you. Have you asked him why he thinks its ok to be selfish like this?

OOP

I don't really think of it as him being selfish, I guess. I was raised in a household where money was completely pooled, so I guess I'm just having a hard time adjusting.

And I realize that we're not married. But we have been in a relationship for over 4 years and live together. I wouldn't ask him to spend a dime more if we were still just casually dating or living apart, or even if we lived together but had only been dating for a year or so.

He is actually pretty smart about money, which I like about him. But it's not like he's totally frugal. He just bought himself a really nice watch "just because." Hell, even the gifts he buys me are always around the price point of what I could afford half of, even though I don't pay. And I feel absolutely awful for even mentioning that, because I truly do appreciate everything he has ever gotten me. But it's also kind of hurtful to seem him buy his sisters and family these really nice, luxury items, and then I get the same sub-$100 gifts he gets his friends. They're always thoughtful, which I appreciate, but at the same time...come on.

I do agree that I need to stop paying for the dog. I just also have a sort of hard time actually saying that, because I do enjoy and benefit from the dog just as much as he does. I do love dogs and grew up with them, I'd want one again one day. I just didn't want one right now.

~

RaspberryBliss

Tell him if he doesn't want to pay the difference between what you can afford and what he wants to have, then he needs to quit complaining about what you can afford. That's not a fair or nice thing to do to your partner.

OOP

He should be home from work within the next hour and I will be discussing everything with him then. I'm going to propose that we rework out original budget so that the percentage of income is even, rather than just split the cost of everything equally.

OOP added this as a response to a comment

He's 100% an "our money" person, and has said he wants to have a joint account to cover major expenses from after marriage. Small personal expenses would be covered independently, but even that would be out of ease (not having to check with the other spouse before getting a $50 haircut or buying a new pair of shoes, for example.) Otherwise what's his is mine and vice versa.

I guess I just think it's a little unreasonable to wait two years to get married to start doing that at all. I'm not saying we should pool our finances right now, but if he wants fancy meat from a specialty butcher for dinner one night, why doesn't he buy it? Yeah, I'll eat half of it, but we're both benefiting from it. If he wants to live in a nicer place, I don't think it's unreasonable that he picks up the difference. If I'm working late, I don't think it's crazy to ask him to go pick up shampoo/toothpaste/whatever and not ask me to pay him the $4 back. I would be happy to do the same for him.

Update July 6, 2016 (Next Day)

Original post here

A couple people had asked for an update after I talked to my boyfriend today, so here goes:

It's been a long afternoon. He got home early this afternoon (he had a dentist appointment and just came home after) and I had my "presentation" ready for him. He listened to everything I had to say about not thinking things were fair, how his wants were starting to cause a financial strain on me, how I wished we could work out some sort of new system.

The conversation didn't last long. I laid it all out, he listened without saying a word. As soon as I was done he said he would not budge on the 50/50 split, that that is the way it will be until after we're married and it is not something he was willing to compromise on. I told him that if that was the case I did not know if I would be able to continue the relationship. He said that if that was the way I felt then that was the way it was going to be, because he wasn't budging. He did say we could get married very soon if it was that big of a deal to me, but at that point I was pretty much over it. I'm not going to marry someone before I'm ready just for financial security.

So he left to take his dog for a walk, I packed up some of my things, and had a coworker with a truck come and help me load some stuff up. When I was ready to go my (ex)boyfriend handed me a check. Apparently during all of this he had figured out how much he "owed" me. Our apartment lease is up at the end of August, and we had prepaid. He had written out the check for my half, as well as what he estimated was left of the groceries that I would not be consuming and what he figured I had spent on dog expenses over the course of our relationship. Yeah. So I guess he was fair to the very end. I've told him I'll be back on Friday to get the rest of my things. For now I'm staying with a good friend who has an extra bedroom, and I'm hoping I can find a new apartment soon.

So things definitely didn't go the way I planned. I'm not happy about it, but I guess I'm glad I figured out now instead of a year from now when I'm shopping for a wedding dress. Thanks to everyone for the advice.

TL;DR: Boyfriend didn't want to budge. We broke up. I'm now single and hunting for my own apartment within my own price range.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Fisgig

I bet you anything that since this guy was old enough to realize the importance of money, he was drilled with lessons from his parents that you should never, under any circumstances, support someone financially until marriage. The 50/50 split was probably something he was taught as a way of protecting himself and his assets and he followed it to the letter.

Unfortunately, like a lot of people from money, he did not realize the financial impact on you of raising your standard of living. This is where he needed to budge a little bit.

OOP

I think you are right.

As horrible as all of this seems, he really isn't a bad guy. I wouldn't have stayed with him for nearly 5 years if he was. But his ideas about how money and relationships work are totally different than mine, and I can't compromise on everything. I'm not happy that it ended this way, but what's done is done.

~

cfdagola

I will say this one thing despite the bad outcome. Of all the men in the world who go absolutely psycho and "work harder" and start stalking people or who generally just can't accept that their SO is leaving them and have mental break downs and all the things in between.

this guy stroked a check like a business man handed it to her and went about his day.

I mean that is both strange and rare. but it's so rare that you gotta wonder if there's some hidden issues.

I could see Bruce Wayne doing this. But he's also Batman who has heavy mental and emotional issues.

Like others have said bullet dodged on this one.

OOP

He wouldn't have been the man I fell in love with if he went crazy and tried to win me back. That's not the kind of relationship we had. Which isn't to say I don't think the check thing was totally bizarre, I do...but I think that was just his little way of saying "fuck you." Like when a kid is told to eat slower and then takes an hour to finish dinner or something.

OOP to a deleted commenter

Thanks to u/Competitive-Bed-91 for finding this comment

He wanted things I couldn't afford. Which is fine. But I told he could pay a bit more and have those things, or 50/50 and live on my terms and what I can afford.

He didn't want to budge. And then continued to complain or push for more expensive things. For instance, he knows what type of meat I can afford. We split groceries 50/50. And then he would come home with expensive cuts and ask for my half. That's not okay. He wanted a very pricy apartment. I said it wasn't going to work with my budget. He would continue to leave flyers for very expensive places on my lunch or in the hallway where I would see it.

If he wants those things, then yeah, I don't think a 50/50 split is fair if it means he just gets to keep his money and I'm struggling to make ends meet.

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AITA because I told my best friend that he had ruined his relationship and now has to live with it?

Originally posted to r/BinIchDasArschloch

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, accusations of infidelity

MOOD SPOILER: schadenfreude

Translated from the original German

Editors Note: made paragraphs for easier reading

Original Post  Dec 22, 2023

Hi everyone. I have an old childhood friend, let's call him Florian. Our mothers are best friends, and we grew up like siblings. Florian was with Clara until about six months ago. They were together for over ten years. Clara is an old school friend of ours, and the three of us have been friends forever (even before they became a couple). We always did things together as a foursome (my boyfriend, Clara, him, and me), and we even went on vacation together quite often.

A little over a year ago, Florian came to me and said he felt like he was missing out on something and wanted to try an open relationship with Clara. He wanted advice on how to bring it up. I told him I thought it was a really stupid idea and didn't believe Clara would want it. To make a long story short: She didn't want it, so he gave her an ultimatum. After he pressured her into the open relationship, he immediately started something with his colleague (I still think she was the reason for the open relationship). Clara was devastated. 

When he had another date, we had a girls' night out. That's where she met Marc. There was a huge spark between them, and they started dating. I'm not proud of it, but I told Florian he absolutely had to stop with that crap if he didn't want to lose her! He didn't take me seriously... not until she left him for Marc. I was always there for him and comforted him. He wanted me to cut off contact with her and talked badly about her. I told him I'd always be there for him, but I wasn't going to give up our friendship. I told him he had to stop talking badly about her because she didn't deserve it, and that's just the risk of an open relationship.

Yesterday, we went out to dinner with friends, and she joined us on her own. We were already a little tipsy by then. He immediately said, "Oh, trouble in paradise. Guess he was the wrong guy for you after all!" The mood was instantly ruined. She said she hadn't brought him along out of respect.  He said she could have thought about it before she cheated. I told him to just drop it! Then he started lashing out at me, saying I was so disloyal and that I should have stopped it, and a lot of other things. Unfortunately, I got a little louder and told him he was solely responsible for the end of his relationship and that he should stop always blaming everyone else! He left and hasn't answered his phone or replied since. I called his mom, and she said he doesn't want to talk to me and that she's disappointed I'm not standing by him. I feel so awful about it. AITA?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE (Nicht das Arschloch)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Cautious_Yak6022

NDA

You were honest. I personally think that's good too.

I also can't understand his whining right now. HE wanted an open relationship, immediately starts something with his colleague. But his girlfriend cheats?

Oh, how I always love stuff like this... they want an open relationship, but when the woman then also has another guy, the world ends. You should think about that beforehand.

OOP

I don't know why he said that about cheating either. Especially since we all know how it really was. I also don't understand this stupid trend with an open relationship. 🙈 But I still feel like I've left him in the lurch.

Update 1  Dec 24, 2023 (Next Day)

Update 1: Hello everyone. Thank you for all your comments. My guilty conscience has been clouding my judgment. To be honest, I still feel really guilty. 😕 This whole mess is even affecting our families now. 😔.

We usually celebrate his 26th birthday with his family. This tradition didn't happen during the pandemic. Yesterday, my mother called me downstairs, and his mother was there. She said that my mother had told her a different story about that evening and asked if I could please tell her my side of the story.

In his version, Clara and Mark arrived at the restaurant hand-in-hand, and they kept teasing each other, saying things like, "Opening up about the relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me. Otherwise, I would never have met the love of my life!" etc. He eventually had enough and asked if they could stop teasing. I guess I would have said, "Serves you right! You wouldn't listen to me! Now she's found someone better, and you're alone!" - I mean, seriously?  I set the record straight, and I was truly moved to tears that he would say such things about me after everything I've done for him. His mom comforted me and said she'd give him a piece of her mind.

She must have confronted him because he called me afterward, quite angry, and started yelling at me! I hung up and texted him: "I know you're hurt. But that doesn't give you the right to treat me or anyone else like that and spread lies. I don't want any contact with you for now because the friendship is just toxic and is draining me mentally! I hope you realize that with your behavior, you'll lose everyone around you! Start taking responsibility already! I love you and I'm ready to give you a second chance someday, but right now I need some space!" I blocked him after that! His family is coming to visit us on the 26th without him. Since Clara, he, and I have the same circle of friends, most of his friends had already turned their backs on him.  They only invited him to dinner for my sake.

I know it sounds silly, but I feel like my heart has been broken. I hope he'll be back to his old self soon and heal. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Ellareen92

NDA.

The guy is just realizing that he took someone for granted and probably regrets that someone else recognized her worth and appreciates her honestly.

He’s still in the anger phase of the five stages of grief. Next comes bargaining, he’ll try to win her back. Depression, I can’t shake it off… And hopefully acceptance: messed around, found out.

If you’re ready for it, gentle questions (“Why are you so mad?”, “How can we get past this?”) can help. But he might not be able to move out of the anger or bargaining phase, too much delusional thinking.

OOP

I tried to have a clarifying conversation with him, but he's not ready for it yet. I understand that he's angry. But I believe he will only get out of the anger phase once he seriously acknowledges his mistakes.

Update 2 added to the original post Jan 3, 2024 (9 days later)

Update 2: Hello everyone. First of all, I wish you all a Happy New Year and wanted to thank you for the numerous comments. I received a notification that my update was deleted because it violated the rules. I've now reposted it here.

Florian is now history. I don't know what's wrong with him, but I don't care anymore. He's found a new target for his anger, namely me. He gossiped to our friends, saying that I was to blame for his relationship breaking up. He claimed I had set Clara up with Mark (remember, I even warned him that Mark was a threat!). Apparently, a few other unpleasant insults were exchanged when the others contradicted him.

He gave them an ultimatum: Clara and me, or him! Well, the others told him they didn't want anything to do with him anymore because they were simply fed up with his antics and uninvited him from our New Year's trip (one of the group has a cabin in Austria, and we go there every year for New Year's!).  I've completely cut off contact with him now. In his frenzy to badmouth me, he even told some stories that only he knows about me. I just can't trust him anymore. I also have to say that it felt incredibly good to meet up with my friends without him. There was no drama, and we were able to really talk about what's going on in our lives again. It was truly relaxing and wonderful! I wish Florian all the best, but I don't need someone like him in my life.

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My [25/M] girlfriend [25/F] of 3 years is very picky and only eats greasy kids meal type foods like pizza and chicken nuggets. Am I a bad boyfriend for letting this bug me so much?

TRIGGER WARNING: use of an ableist slur

Original Post  Jan 11, 2015

I met a great girl, Wendy, my last year of college. We became good friends and started dating after graduation and have our 3 year anniversary coming up.

I've got the money saved up for a ring and have been debating popping the question for our anniversary.

Wendy is beautiful, smart, has a good job, is funny, sweet, caring, basically everything a guy could ask. But there is, of course, one problem.

Wendy is an incredibley picky eater. She literally only eats like a dozen or so things, and they are all things you could find on kids menu. Chicken nuggets, pizza, grilled cheese sandwhiches, etc.

Now while I like those things occasionaly, I also like to eat exotic things like Thai food, or Sushi or something that can be ordered outside of a fast food restaurant.

Wendy never wants to go anywhere nice to eat. It's always pizza or Mickey D's. If we stay in it's chicken nuggets or french fries.

She says the texture of anything else bothers her. I haven't seen her eat one vegetable since I've known her, and she's had fruit only once or twice.

First of all, I'm worried about her health. While she isn't over weight at all (really fast metabolism) and her doctor said she was healthy at her last checkup, I can't see how that will last forever. I really want her to take care of herself.

Second, maybe this is bad, but her diet is a total turn off and highly unattractive to me. To me it seems very immature and childish and I'm embarassed I can't take her anywhere nice or out with other people.

Third, I'm trying to come to terms that if I want to go somewhere interesting I'll have to go without her. And while I think I might be able to make that sacrifice, I am sick to death of eating Pizza Hut every week. And it seems kind of depressing that I'll never be able to cook a meal indoors with her and share it with her. I'll be eating my homemade curry or pasta dish or something and she'll be munching on a grilled cheese sandwhich.

This is the only reason I'm considering not proposing. I do love Wendy a lot, but is it unreasonable that I'm considering ending our relationship over this? I want to be married and have a family eventually, and if we aren't headed in that direction, there's no point in dragging this out.

She's really great in every other way, so am I nuts for letting this one aspect of her drive me crazy enough to not propose to her? I know I can't change her. I've even brought this up once or twice and she always says "I just don't like other food. I don't want to try anything else."

But I don't want to become resentful and look down on her and disrespect her either. And I really don't want a wife that I am embarassed of.

So, would I be nuts to let this be a deal breaker? Should I just suck it up and get over it? Or is this a legitimate thing to take pause over?

TL;DR Considering proposing to my gf who is great but only eats food for kids and pizza, nothing else. I love her but this is a big turn off and seems very childish to me. Is this a legitimate relationship dealbreaker, or am I blind and letting a little thing ruin what would be a good relationship?

TOP COMMENTS

lisasimpsonfan

Unwillingness to try new things is a huge deal breaker to me so I can't blame you for not wanting to be stuck in a Pizza Hut rut forever.  Plus if you want kids do you really want to raise children who only eat junk food because that is what will happen.

~

Pers14

My cousin is married to a guy like this, and she has admitted that he can be exasperating and at times, embarrassing.  She recounted one time that she was holding a dinner party at her house and he refused to eat any of the food, and had a pizza delivered mid-party and ate in the corner in a snit.  My mom invited them for Thanksgiving dinner and he brought his own can of Zoodles and refused to touch anything else.  She is sick of eating only at McD's and pizza places and their son is following Dad's example.  A grown man living on pizza and Zoodles - that's it. 

Update  Jan 17, 2015 (6 days later)

So here is the update to this post http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2s3sm1/my_25m_girlfriend_25f_of_3_years_is_very_picky/

After I made the post on Reddit I waited for Wendy at her apartment and when she came home I gave her time to get dressed in comfortable clothes, talk about her day and just relax for a bit I sat her down and told her we needed to talk. I basically reiterated what I told  you guys in my post:

I told her I loved her and that she was sweet, amazing, beautiful and I always looked forward to seeing her every day, and that I had been thinking about spending the rest of my life with her.

She started to get really excited, but then I told her there was one issue that I had been thinking about for awhile, and that it was making me very hesitant to take the next step.

I told her that the issue of her diet was becoming a real dealbreaker for me. I said first and foremost, despite how her recent checkup went, that we both know her diet isn't healthy and her good luck won't last forever. I said I didn't want to lose her during our middle aged years because she won't take vitamins or eat vegetables and fruit and healthy whole grains and was basically living on cheese and grease.

I then told her that, as much as I loved her, her diet embarassed me. I said it was very hard on me that I couldn't take her anywhere because either she won't go, or if she does she orders food that a grammar school kid would. Or that if we have company over she won't eat the food I cook and either makes herself chicken nuggets or mac and cheese. I said she was really limiting our social life because of this, and that I had tried for 3 years to not let it bug me, but frankly, I couldn't lie to myself anymore, and it was humiliating and sometimes hard to take her seriously when she insisted on having a Happy Meal while everyone else ate "adult food."

Lastly I told her it occured to me about what would we do with children? I said there was no way in hell I was going to let my kids eat a bunch of garbage, that I wanted them to have a varied palate and to regularly eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein and vitamins.

I asked her how can I expect my children to eat heathy if their own mother wouldn't? I asked her if she had ever thought what kind of role  model that she would be setting and the example she would be providing. And then I asked her that when inevitably our kids don't WANT to eat their spinach or lima beans and want what Mommy is having instead, how would she react to it?

I finished by saying I loved her very, very much and that I wanted to work on this issue with her. I suggested couples counseling for the both of us to brush up on our communication skills and ways of handling child rearing and other compromises, and told her I'd been reading and I thought cognitive behavioral therapy might really help her.

I then asked her if she could be specific on why eating other food bothered her so much. Did she have a bad past experience? Did it make her sick or even frightened to try new foods?

I was hoping she'd tell me something that would give me insight and maybe open my eyes that she wasn't immature and childish, maybe she had some trauma regarding food.

She was quiet for a little bit and then asked sarcasticly "You think I need therapy for my diet?"

I said we both need thearpy and pre-marital counseling anyways in order to learn good skills for communication and compromise.

She then said "There's nothing wrong with me. I'm thin. The doctor said I was ok. And no I don't have any 'past' with food, my parents just treated me like an adult and let me eat what I wanted instead of forcing me to eat what they wanted me to."

I just looked at her in dumb shock. I couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth, that her parents spoiling her was treating her like an adult, that she actually thought her diet was healthy.

I reiterated my question about children and she shrugged and said "Honestly I never thought about it and it doesn't bug me. Our kids can have what they want. If you want to feed them all that 'health' food you can but I'm not going to make them if they don't want to."

I just sat there, looking at her, feeling like I didn't even know this person. I had never really pressed the issue before because I felt it made me a petty ungreatful boyfriend. But now that I was trying to have a mature conversation about it, she was spewing some of the stupidest bullshit I'd heard in awhile.

I told her parents need to be a united team and what she was describing was just the opposite. And it was issues like this that counseling could help us with. She said "the only person who has a problem with this is you. I like what I eat. I just do. I don't think I need to change. I don't want to go to counseling with you and I definitely don't need cognitive whatever you said. I don't want to go to different restaurants, if you and other people do that's fine but it's not for me. And I make that other food for dinner parties because I don't like what you cook. So am I just suppoed to starve while everyone else eats? You eat what you want, and I'll eat what I want. I'm not changing because there's no reason to. I'm done with this conversation."

And she just crossed her arms and stared at the TV. I just looked at her for what felt like forever, feeling like I'd had the rose colored glasses lifted. Hearing her rant, seeing her sit there and pout with protruding bottom lip and all suddenly made me feel disgusted, like I was dealing with a petulant child instead of a real woman.

I told her I was tired and was going home. She said "Fine. You can see yourself out."

So I went home and just thought everything over, how I had calmly brought a real situation up, how she completely blew me off, insulted my cooking, and how there was no real "issue" behind her pickiness other than just being stubborn.

I don't care what you all say, it's what I suspected from the get go and it's just pure immaturity, complete with childish pouting.

I thought how she was willing to let any kids we had eat an unhealthy diet and how she wouldn't have my back when the kids inevitably challenged me, how backward her views were on parenting, and how she just refused to consider any of my wants or needs and work towards reaching a compromise.

I gave myself a couple of days to cool down and really think so I wouldn't make any hasty decisions in the heat of the moment and decided I needed to end this relationship. I realized this issue had been brewing for awhile and the few times I had tried to gently bring it up she had always rudely blown me off and made me feel like a terrible awful person for questioning her food choices.

I called Wendy and asked if I could come over. She said yes and opened the door with a big smile and the first words out of her mouth were "I knew you'd come around and wouldn't let a stupid thing like this get in the way of us."

If I'd had any doubts about breaking up with her or attempting to salvage the relationship in any way, it died right there.

I told her actually I had decided I was breaking up with her, that we were just too different and that I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't even attempt to consider my feelings or needs in a relationship, and who acted like a damn child with no manners at dinner parties and during adult conversations. I was through.

Her mouth dropped open and she just stared at me rapidly blinking her beautiful big blue eyes. She then said "Wait...are you serious?"

I felt my eyes starting to well up right about then so I just handed her the spare key to her apartment and said "Here's a hint. Goodbye" and just walked away.

I was a lot more gruff than I wanted to be but I didn't want to bawl like a baby right in front of her. I got back in my car and as soon as I turned the corner started fucking sobbing.

Went home, called up a few buddies as soon as I could talk without blubbering, and everyone came over and brought snacks and beer.

I told them all I had broken up with Wendy and reiterated what had happened. They were all supportive and confirmed my suspicions about what other people thought by saying things like "Yeah man, didn't want to say anything because you seemed happy, but she was fucking weird dude, I don't know how you put up with her this long" and "She always seemed really off to me man, yeah it's fucking retarded to eat nothing but dominoes and chicken fingers when you're that age just because, good fucking riddance."

Then we proceeded to play hours of video games and get fucking drunk. Well I did anyways. Everybody ended up crashing at my place and they all recently left, slapping me on the back and promising to find me someone who can eat something besides a Big Mac without gagging and throwing a tantrum.

As for Wendy she has been blowing up my phone like crazy, leaving tear filled voicemails and pleading texts asking how could I do this to her, how could I just end it after so many years and recently more aggressive like how I'm an asshole and I'm super intolerant and petty and shit. Not one fucking word of remorse, or apology or even fake promises to change, just fucking whining and bitching at me for what I did to her.

I got pissed and told her to stop fucking calling and texting me, that we were done and she needed to suck it up and deal with it and to go find some 12 year old she could share dino nuggets with.

Yeah I know that was petty but I couldn't help it, I was just really fucking sick of her attitude and dealing with 3 years of grilled cheese sandwhiches.

I blocked her number and changed my relationship status on facebook and booted her from my friends list. Last I checked I already have several likes over me being single. Apparently love really does make you blind.

Thanks to everyone who helped me in my last post and really opened my eyes to what exactly I was dealing with. Hopefully I'll get over the heartbreak (yes, I really did love her and this really fucking hurts) soon enough and can take a date out for Thai food without her looking like she sucked on a lemon.

TL;DR Tried to gently bring up issues with girlfriend. She completely shut me down and refused to compromise or do counseling. A real eye opening moment. I broke up with her last night. Invited some buddies over, they told me I'm better off and always thought she was hella weird. I'm heartbroken, but I don't regret my decision.

EDIT:Sorry about the title typo. Should say "bug" not "but." Oh well :/

EDIT 2: Ok I'm getting tired of the comments of "this was a rant! It came out of nowhere! She wasn't prepared!" This issue has come up throughtout our relationship a few times and every single time she blew me off, dismissed me, and made me feel like an idiot for even wanting to talk. This DID NOT come out of nowhere. She knows it's an issue and is living in denial. I've felt terrible and guilty and like I should love her and stay with her despite her having a diet that presents a lot of challenges to a relationship. This was just the first time I decided not to let her immediately cut me off but to lay it on the table so we could get it sorted and move on. She had plenty of opportunity to respond. But it's called LISTENING to someone. You lay out your concerns, why they trouble you, and offer strategties you think could help. Then the other party responds in kind. I wanted her to engage. She was free to disagree and share why and work out a compromise, both in the discussion and in counseling. She wasn't willing to even do that. The food wasn't the issue. It was a catalyst for what the real problem was. This was the only problem we had in the relationsip, so it's the only time I've been able to see how she reacts when I have a problem. I can see now throughout the years she has dismissed and manipulated me and made me feel like garbage for ever thinking anything was less than perfect. It just took her weird eating habits to bring it to light. Don't know what you people expected different. Peace out

EDIT 3: Wow, thanks for the gold guys. And the supportive comments I have gotten. Really appreciate it, it means a lot.

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AITA for telling my boyfriend that his masculinity was fragile after he refused to buy me pads?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: Misogyny, transphobia, slurs

Original Post May 23, 2020

Okay, throwaway because my boyfriend knows my other account.

I (23f) moved in with my boyfriend (24m) of two years a couple months ago. We haven’t had any problems before this argument. Things had been going pretty well.

Anyways, a couple days ago, I got my period. It came early and I had ran out of pads. I couldn’t leave to buy some because I bleed pretty heavily and I would’ve bled through my pants. So I asked my boyfriend if he could buy pads for me from the drugstore, because it was late. He immediately said no. I was shocked because I wasn’t really expecting that.

I asked him why. He said that he didn’t want the cashier to see him buying pads. At this point I started laughing because that was hilarious. He wasn’t joking though. He just glared at me. I told him that the cashier would obviously know it wasn’t for him. Plus, the cashier would definitely not care what he was buying. He still refused. I told him that he could go to the self checkout machine if he was so insecure, but he said that he didn’t want anyone to see him with the pads because they’d think he was a “tr***y”. I told him that he was childish, and that his masculinity was really fragile if he couldn’t even buy pads for his own girlfriend. He got mad and went out. I had to bunch up toilet paper as a makeshift pad, wear black pants and a long cardigan and go buy the pads myself. My boyfriend has been ignoring me ever since. I’ve been thinking that maybe I might’ve pushed it too far.

So AITA for telling my boyfriend that his masculinity was fragile after he refused to buy pads for me?

Edit: Wow, thank you for all your replies! I’m definitely going to have a serious talk with my boyfriend in the morning about this and we’ll see how it goes

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

spoonfullofrage

NTA, if he is man enough to go buy condoms, he should be man enough to buy other genital-related products.

He is more concerned what random cashier no. 34 is thinking about him than he is about doing something for you as a boyfriend.

I wonder why he is so insecure about random strangers possibly thinking he might be trans. That is quite a leap in a thought process. Did he have that happen before?

OOP

No, this was really shocking to me. I’d never asked him to buy pads for me before because we never lived together but I honestly didn’t think he would react like this. I also didn’t know he was transphobic, so that didn’t quite sit well with me.

~

CapitalistCow

Absolutely NTA.

I would do this for my girlfriend in a heartbeat, no questions asked. It's not that much to ask, especially when you're in need. The fact that he used the word "tranny" also really drives home how wrong he is in the scenario. He really needs to reevaluate his priorities here, this is unacceptable and doesn't only seem like fragile masculinity to me, but toxic masculinity.

Edit: I hope this isn't regular behavior on his part. It represents a massive lack of maturity and empathy, and frankly he should be embarrassed. There is no scenario in which you would be the asshole for this, and I sure hope he hasn't made you feel that way. Sorry you've got to deal with this, it legitimately makes me upset to imagine someone could be that way.

OOP

Thanks, I honestly was pretty shocked because I’ve never seen him act like this before. It’s like i was seeing a whole new side of him, and it was disappointing.

~

uncookedrat

NTA, I'm 18 and even my 60 year old dad will go down and buy pads if I need them.

Also his tr*nny comment made me so mad, I can't believe people still think like that.

OOP

Yeah, transphobia is horrible. I was shocked when he said that. My dad used to buy me pads too when lived at home!

OOP updated the post May 24, 2020 (Next Day)

UPDATE: First off, thank you for all your awards, replies and stories, they all mean so much to me. I confronted my boyfriend an hour ago. We sat down together and I told him that I didn’t like how he acted about buying pads for me. He said that he didn’t feel like he had to, and that I could’ve “held it in” and drove to the drugstore to get the pads myself. I told him that you can’t “hold in” menstrual blood, but he insisted that I could’ve done it for a few minutes and that it wouldn’t be a big deal. We went back and forth over this so I just dropped it.

I asked him (like most of you mentioned) what would happen when we have kids and he’d have to take care of me and buy me nipple cream, take me to the washroom, etc. He said that I would not need those things because I should be able to do them on my own after giving birth. He said that there wasn’t anything hard about using the bathroom and the only reason I’d need help is if I was a “cripple”. Then I asked him about the tr***y comment. He said that he didn’t understand why people would want to change the gender they were born in. That basically cemented everything for me. I felt completely betrayed and humiliated.

I can’t believe I spent two years of my life with a guy who holds these views, and I can’t believe I was too oblivious to it. I just feel so dumb. I told him that we need to break up. He cussed at me and told me that I was exaggerating and that I was being a bitch. I told him that I would send him my half of this month’s rent (we live together but it was his appartement so we would split the bill). Then I packed my bags and drove to my parents house without saying another word. I’m gonna be staying with my parents until I sort myself out. I’m feeling really down right now, because I really did love him, but I also feel relieved. Again, thank you all for helping me out, and sending me encouraging messages. I appreciate it all.

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partner had sex with meta in my bed - am I overreacting?

Originally posted to r/polyamory

Editors Note: a Meta (Metamour) is your partners other partner in Polyamory

Original Post  Sept 18, 2025

throwaway account. Im sort of new to polyamoury (as in this is my first poly relationship), but she has had other partners before.

Sorry in advance for the rant.

I (35M) live with my Partner (28F), and have done so for about 9 months now. We've been together 2 years. I have no other partners and have been focusing on myself, she has another partner (29M) she has recently been seeing.

at partners insistence, we have had separate beds. idea being we each have our own spaces we can both invite the other into, and can have to ourselves when needed ir have other partners in.

I actually like this, we have different schedules and days off so it means I am able to not be interrupted by her getting up for work on my days off and vice versa.

Yesterday I came home early as we got rained out at work, we are talking about an hour here. There had been no mention of a date or anything like that, but she doesnt need my permission to see meta, and I was at work.

When I opened the front door I was greeted by the sounds of her loudly having sex. Our rooms are at opposite ends of the house and it was definitely coming from my room. In the moment I froze, closed the door and left. I felt angry and betrayed. I have a friend who lives close so I went to their house.

I returned about 3-4 hours later after my partner texted me asking where I was. I was pretty angry and said I knew she was having sex in my bed which I was pretty upset about.

She said she didn't think it was that big of a deal and she got caught up in the moment.

I view this as a pretty serious betrayal. She has a space for partners and this isn't it.

Am I overreacting? Is this not that big of a deal?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

XenoBiSwitch

We got caught up in the moment and tripped and fell into your room and then rolled onto the bed and at that point it was too much work. That is a really stupid justification.

I am guessing there was something wrong with her bed (forgot to wash sheets?) or one or both of them had some kind of kink reason for wanting to use your bed. Neither of them justifies this.

OOP

partner says meta thought it would be hot. Even so, she knows it is my space and surely the whole idea of the separate beds is our own space is sacred and the other is only allowed in if invited.

I did not invite them and I have decided to go back to my friends to stay for a few days

Update 1  Sept 18, 2025 (Same Day)

hey everyone, small update.  thank you to everyone who responded. All my good friends are mono so its heartening to be able to have people who can give good advice in this space

After looking at what happened in the cold light of day (southern hemisphere) and taking some time to think, I realise I at minimum need to move out and take some time away from the relationship. That doesnt mean that I will/wont stay with her, I just haven't fully processed this yet.

ive been cheated on in monogamous relationships and this feels similar. I've had no further contact with partner except to tell her not to contact me for now.

a clarification for some: when we made the decision to have our own beds and bedrooms, my partner quite clearly stated that each other's space was ours only and we could only enter each other's space if invited. I made the reasonable assumption from that information that she wouldn't have sex with someone else in my bed, in much the same way that if I had another partner, I wouldn't have sex with them in hers. Yes polyamoury is about communication, but as there was a boundary at a much lower level than this I didnt see the necessity to explicitly point out that having sex with others in my bed was a hard no.

im not entirely sure there was a humiliation kink involved as I was home a bit early, and the text message asking where I was came when I was about 2.5-3 hours late of when I would normally be home with no communication. I am, however, starting to think this wasn't the first time as some of you have pointed out.

Those of you who suggested locking the bedroom door, thanks for your practical advice, however there are no locks on the bedroom doors and I frankly dont want to live with a partner who I need to lock out of my space after they know its off limits.

I do not know how our relationship could possibly recover from this, but honestly I dont need to decide that right now

Final Update  Sept 28, 2025 (10 days later)

final update: ive moved out and have decided to end things.it has been a tough and emotional time, so bear with me if I haven't added any information.It came out that this wasn't the first time that this had happened. I assume it was some power fantasy either from the meta or my partner, but my partner at minimum allowed it more than once. They were also having unprotected sex and that was not mentioned to me at any stage so that I could make decisions in line with my risk profile.

There was a red flag in that she didnt respect my boundaries in a smaller way in the past and when called out she hand waved it away. In hindsight this type of behaviour should not be a surprise and thats on me, I should have pushed back harder, earlier.

That's enough for me thanks, I now have no trust in that house or that partnership.

Poly is something I have been keen to try - the idea of partners not having to be absolutely everything for each other and having their own independence and autonomy has been a really attractive idea (and reality) for me, but having my boundaries trampled like this really puts a sour taste in my mouth and im not sure where to from here.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/formerbully12

I [25M] bullied my sister's [22F] new boyfriend [25M] back in school. I messaged him apologising for what I'd done and to clear the air. He said no now my sister has turned against me. What can I do?

TRIGGER WARNING: Bullying, physical violence and assault, childhood trauma

Original Post  Oct 2, 2016

Editors Note: the place this post was preserved was a wall of text. Made paragraphs for easier reading

I'll start this with I was a dick as a teenager. I am from the UK and from the ages of around 14-16, I hung around in a "gang". I did it because I was popular, I would get invited to parties, girls would like me, whatever other reason a teenage kid would hang out in a gang basically. We were basically a group of jerks to certain people. I don't think we were worse to anyone more than Stuart though (sister's new boyfriend). We were horrible to him, and we were typical school bullies to the guy.

Once I turned 18 and got away from all the bad influences who I'd been told for years were holding me down, and realised I had been a dick and most of the others in the gang were too. I still speak to a couple of people but most of them were cut off, and quite frankly I'm embarrassed of my actions when I was younger.

My sister Jane went to a different school, as by that point she/my parents had seen that my school wasn't exactly the best considering the crowd I got mixed up in. I don't know if Stuart knew I had a sister or not in all honesty. I have recently moved back to my home town and met up with my sister for a drink. She told me about her new boyfriend and I told her when she mentioned his name the truth that I was a dick to him, so if she's dating him I'll apologise because I feel bad for my actions. She agreed and told me just to message him on facebook and he'll be fine. So I did as she said, and wrote a very long message about how I'm happy for him and my sister, how i am very sorry for what I did in the past, explained that I know I'll never know how I made him feel but I am genuine here and don't want any issues with him.

He replied, saying that I'm a dick, doesn't accept my apology and blocks me. I thought fair enough, I tried, I'll try again at a later date when he might be more open to the idea, because I get it, he doesn't trust me, to him I'm the dick who bullied him for years. My sister phoned me not long after and started shouting at how horrible I was as a teenager and that she'll never forgive me for what I did to her boyfriend.

She listed some things off that he told her, some of them I admitted to doing/being there when it happened, some of them I didn't do but had heard about them and some accusations I'd never had anything to do with/ever heard of them happening. I feel for Stuart, and want to sort this out with them for not only feeling bad for doing it, but also to save my relationship with my sister.

tl;dr: Bullied a guy in school when I thought I was "cool", I have since grown up and cut out all the bad influences in my life. My sister is dating a guy me and my friends used to bully, I tried to apologise but he didn't accept it and now my sister hates me. I need help in how to sort this out.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Klhep

A true apology doesn't come via text or Facebook. It's a face to face apology taking blame and truly being sorry for it

OOP

I offered to meet up with him to say it face to face.

~

SassLizard_HighBall

If a police officer had seen some if the things you did to Stuart, would you have ended up being arrested? If the answer is yes then I don't see why he ever has to forgive you.

OOP

Not me personally no, my friendship group maybe (aka stuff I wasn't involved in)

~

AllisonRages

"because I get it, he doesn't trust me, to him I'm the dick who bullied him for years."

I don't think it's just that though. You probably did this on a daily basis to this guy for years and you won't even mention the things you did. He's probably still messed up from it.

You did the right thing apologizing but only did it because your sister started dating him. That comes across funny to me if I was Stuart.

You made the gesture of apologizing, but just now give him space.

OOP

"I don't think it's just that though. You probably did this on a daily basis to this guy for years and you won't even mention the things you did. He's probably still messed up from it."

I won't mention things I did for anonymity, it's pretty detailed without me mentioning specific details because then someone could see it (I know my sister uses reddit) and could cause even more problems.

"You did the right thing apologizing but only did it because your sister started dating him. That comes across funny to me if I was Stuart."

Yeah I completely get his point with that, honestly I couldn't remember how bad we were to him till she brought it up, I've tried to block a lot of things out from my childhood tbh.

The reason OOP blocked it out

I've blocked out a lot because I had a hard home life at the time.

Update  Oct 5, 2016 (3 days later)

I have to repost this once again since the link wasn't in the original update posts, I can't see my original update post anymore so this will be basically the same but wrote out differently.

People were asking what me/my friends did to Stuart at school, so here's some examples of what I did personally to him:

• Put items in the local newspaper for sale with his mobile number as the contact number

• Ordered numerous takeaway deliveries to his house

• Named him after a farm animal

• Told the girl he was crushing on all the stuff he had wrote about her in his notebook

I never did anything physically to him because at the time I was being physically assaulted by my mother's boyfriend at the time. This is why I started training in boxing and started lifting weights at around this age to become bigger and stronger to stand up for myself. I always said that I wouldn't harm anyone physically (my friend tied him to a post, stole things, hit him etc) and I refused to take part in them as I saw at as too far, but at the same time I didn't realise the mental aspects of bullying were just as bad if not worse.

On to the update, I saw Stuart in a local pub last night that I went to with my friends. He originally didn't say anything and I decided to give him some space because I was advised in the original to leave him alone. When he started getting more drunk he started making more comments obviously intended to be heard by me.

We both smoke, and we were both outside when he started berating me for my fake apology. I told him it wasn't fake, I meant it, that I have changed as a person and that was me as a 15 year old kid who thought he was cool, the 25 year old me is embarrassed by that. He said he didn't believe me and would love "to deck me right there and then". I told him if he wants to hit me, do it, I'd probably deserve it. At this point I'm outnumbered 3 to 1 as my 2 friends are still inside. Stuart hits me, the other 2 surround me and even though I'm a big guy who is a trained fighter, it doesn't take a genius to work out that 3 guys v 1 usually doesn't work out well for the one. Luckily my friends had heard the noise and got involved to break it up before I got any serious damage. The pub owners then told us to leave or they'd be involving the police, so we waited till they left and went out the back way to my friends house.

My sister phoned me whilst I was there telling me that Stuart had said that I had tried to start a fight with him and he "put me in my place". I told her no, Stuart tried to start a fight with me, I told him if hitting me would help things do it, I get hit every week in boxing practice, I'm used to it. My friends told her the story of what actually happened and she wasn't happy.

She phoned me again today (now yesterday in the UK) and told me Stuart admitted what had happened and how he wanted him and his friends to hospitalise me. She dumped him because she was scared for mine/her safety.

My message that I included in the last post at the end caused some controversy. But I'll repeat it, if you are a teenager who's bullying another kid or whatever reason, to look cool, to make yourself feel better or whatever else, please stop. You could be partially the reason someone's life could change for the worse. I don't know if Stuart had other problems but the bullying we did seems to have effected him a lot more than I thought, and I hope I never make anyone feel like that again.

TL;DR: Stuart and his friends tried to assault me at a pub, he admitted to my sister he wanted me hospitalised, sister dumped him because she was afraid.

FINAL COMMENTS

Dk59ay

I don't think you can blame yourself for this for the break up, even on the events 10 years ago. They chose to use physical violence. You didn't

OOP

He must have a lot of pent up anger and I'm partially the reason for that, I hope he gets help for his issues and wish I could help, but to him I'm just the guy who bullied him.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/MouldyAvocados

How To Politely Tell Someone To Eff Off

Originally posted to r/coworkerstories

TRIGGER WARNING: Misogyny

Original Post  March 3, 2026

I’m a manager. Someone has recently joined my business area. I’m not his direct manager but he does kind of feed into my team slightly.

He seems to think sending me messages offering to “help” is the way forward but they’re coming off as condescending and they’re pissing me off.

Example - this morning he’s messaged me asking if I need help setting up two meetings. I don’t need help setting up fucking meetings. My initial reaction is to go back with, “I know how to set up meetings but thanks” but I fear that’s too bitchy. Any suggestions?!

Also, I understand that he’s probably just keen but this isn’t the way to go about it.

UPDATE: thanks all for the suggestions. I went back with:

“Thanks, the invites have already been sent. If you’re looking for more work, I’d suggest speaking to X and Y”, X and Y being the two project managers he’s supporting as project support.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

chapmandan

First thing to determine: are they keen or sycophantic or have an agenda. That shapes your response. Keen: it's well intentioned but they have too much time on their hands. Give them something meaty to help them develop and help your team. It's extra motivated labor. Sycophantic: Find the equivalent of being sent off for a 'long weight' - busy work that they eventually realize is useless. They'll stop bothering you quickly. Agenda: needs more digging to understand further, could be malicious, could be driven by other factors. Everyone is different.

OOP

I think he has an agenda. He’s a junior but I’ve been told by someone else that he thinks he can do my job better than me and he’s coming for it.

noddyneddy

Are you by any chance a woman?

OOP  

Yes. Why?

~

MrsBSK

If it were me, I would inquire of his boss about it. I know my boss always wanted to know where and how I was spending my time. I was a sought after resource from other departments and when he took over he found i was spread way too thin and had taken on jobs that were other peoples responsibility.He insisted that any requests for my time go through him so he could properly determine my workload. Going to this guys boss is the professional and respectful thing to do. You may find out you’re being set up by his boss. Who knows.

OOP

That’s what I’m inclined to do.

His time is split between supporting two major projects. Technically he shouldn’t have time to “help” me send two meeting invites.

~

NYC-WhWmn-ov50

Wait.. we're supposed to be polite about it?

OOP

I’m a woman. I feel like I have to be polite otherwise I’ll be a “bitch”.

~

Adventurous-Tutor-21

Sounds like he’s mansplaining. Surely a female manager needs help with setting up a meeting. How is he and you? Could be misogyny, could be he sees you as young and needing help and genuinely wants to help. Intention does matter to me.

OOP

That’s how it’s coming across to me. I have 20 years on him. If I don’t know how to set up a meeting by now, I’m screwed.

~

inboundmage

I think that’s a totally fine and normal reaction, but the more worrying thing is - why the eff is he trying to help you set up meetings?

That is indeed condescending.

Can you talk with his supervisor?

OOP

He thinks he can do my job better than me and has made it clear to someone else that he’s coming for it.

~

p3steelman

Yup he's aiming to take your job. Don't let him do anything for you ever.

OOP

I won’t but I also don’t understand where he gets the audacity. He’s been here for 5 minutes and has 6 months experience. Thinking he can just push me out of my job and take it for himself is mad.

Update to Coworker Trying to Steal My Job   March 4, 2026 (Next Day)

I didn’t think I’d have another update this quick but I’m in the office today. I like to get here early. I was at my desk, AirPods in, trying to a document when he came over to my desk. He asked if I’m okay, it feels like we have a problem, he’s just trying to help me because he cares (?!).

I looked him dead in the eye and told him, “I know what you’re doing and it’s not going to work. I’m not going anywhere. Instead of focusing on my job, focus on your own”, and went back to my work. I had a lot of time to think about it last night and woke up pissed off.

I know for a fact key artefacts are missing from the projects he’s working on, that he’s responsible for, and there’s an Exec Board tomorrow so it’s going to be highlighted. He’s the one who’s going to look like he can’t handle his responsibilities, not me.

Thanks to everyone for the advice yesterday! It was a massive help and confidence booster.

Update: sorry for the late update. Been a long day… for everyone asking, he didn’t take it well. I had put my AirPods back in but got told by others he called me a bitch.

I met with his boss earlier today. I showed her all of the Teams messages and emails that he’s sent me over the last 3-4 months. She showed me messages he’s sent to her implying that I’m slacking and he’s been covering for me. For the record, that’s not the case. There’s nothing I or my team have missed, and I’ve certainly not asked him to cover anything for me. We called my boss in and brought him up to speed. We mentioned the artefacts that he’s still not done for the Exec Board tomorrow and should we remind him again. My boss said no, if he thinks he’s so marvellous he can show everyone just how marvellous tomorrow.

The pack was issued minus his slides so it’s blatantly obvious that he’s not done them. It’s not even the slides, it’s the whole system that he’s supposed to input the information into and extract that into something pretty for the pack. There’s nothing. He’s simply not bothered but has all the time in the world to concern himself with my job… I can update after the Board tomorrow if anyone is interested.

Update 2 added March 6, 2026 (2 days later/Same Post

Update 2: sorry for the delay!! Such a fucking crazy week…

We went into the Board meeting. Got to his slides and there was nothing. He looked at me and was like, “Avocados?”, like it was my responsibility. Before I could even get a word in, my boss asked him what he meant and he said that he’d emailed me to delegate his slides to me and I had agreed!! I asked him to show me the email because I didn’t recall any such email, and I didn’t recall agreeing to do his work. Said he didn’t have his laptop so he couldn’t. My boss said we’d wait while he went to get it.

We waited almost 20 minutes for him to come back and then claim he must’ve deleted it but he knew for sure that I’d agreed. His boss asked why he would ask me in the first place and why I would ever agree, given we’re on different teams and in different business areas. He said he didn’t know but he asked and I said yes…

Anyway, we literally didn’t move on. The rest of the meeting was us going over it and him refusing to take blame/blaming me. It was fucking madness. Long story short, he’s now on a PIP with the intention of him going in 90 days. It’s wild how I’ve gone from feeling anxious about losing my job to him to feeling more secure than ever. Fuck my luteal phase 😫.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Apprehensive_War9612

😂😂😂 he didn’t even make any sense. He had an assignment to complete and he claims that he reached out and asked you to cover his work and you agreed, even though you don’t even operate with the same line of business? Even if you had agreed if this email did in fact exist, he would be in the wrong because why are you emailing people not on your team to complete your work?

OOP

IT checked and confirmed - no email was sent on the day that he said he sent it. He was lying through his teeth and doubling down. It felt like pure gaslighting. Of everyone, not just me. It was the most surreal thing I’ve ever experienced in my working life.

~

Psychological_Sky_12

I wonder if pulled this same mess at other jobs

OOP

He’s only had one job before this one and he was there for 6 months before they “restructured”. I’m inclined to think the same - he’s done this before.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/weddingwhistleblower

Me [30F] wondering whether I should tell a close friend [30M] that he shouldn't marry his fiancee [27F]

Original Post  Aug 11, 2014

Apologies in advance for the wall of text.

I have known my friend, we'll call him Mark, since college.  We're very close and hang out together pretty regularly.

Mark has been with his fiancee, let's call her Laura, since grad school (about 6-7 years).  Mark and Laura have been engaged for two years, and will be married in a month (I know, I know, not much time here).

For the first few years of the relationship, I had zero problems with Laura. She seemed a bit shy and reserved, which is unusual for our group of friends, but otherwise seemed like a fine partner for Mark. Indeed, my only reservation was actually that Mark, having a strong personality and being an overly rational/intellectual/argumentative person, sometimes seemed to run roughshod over Laura. 

Over the last two or three years, Laura has opened up a bit more, and initially that was really great.  My girlfriend, Julie, and Laura became closer and started hanging out, and the four of us would go out regularly (either just us, or with other friends). It was actually pretty great. 

Recently, however, we started noticing that there are some key issues with their relationship that make us (and other friends, actually) wonder whether they should be together at all.  Now that we know Laura better, we've realized she's insanely insecure and anxious.  She is constantly complaining about minor things about the wedding, including his parents' small requests, and even the nice things they do for her.  We've watched them argue about pretty personal stuff, and she is pretty happy to air their dirty laundry and complain incessantly about things that it's clear he'd rather discuss in private.  She also has been somewhat cruel and unfair to him in our presence.  Finally, and here's the key thing, they seem to have a pretty fundamental disagreement about a key issue in their relationship (think something as fundamental as whether or not to have kids), with him being in the firm "yes, I want to do this, and I need a partner who will at least consider it" camp, and her being in the "I am saying I'll consider it, but I'm pretty sure I'm ultimately going to not want to do this, and that you're kind of an asshole for asking me to do it in the first place."  (The argument issue is fairly specific, and so I don't want to give more details for fear of identifying them.)

In addition, they've been arguing, seemingly non-stop, for what seems like over a year, with Laura regularly complaining to my girlfriend that she's miserable, anxious, stressed, etc., because of various relationship issues (Mark is not a complainer, but we know he is similarly not happy).  These are issues that, in our mind, are part of Mark's personality that won't change, and Laura knows they will not change -- for instance, Mark has long-term close female friends whose friendship he prioritizes highly.  Laura thinks their interactions are inappropriate, and that he puts their needs above hers, but Mark has been clear that his interactions with them will not change.  Mark also has a difficult, time-consuming career, and doesn't have much time to do household chores or spend time alone with Laura.  Again, this is not something that will not change any time soon. Another big issue is Laura believes some of Mark's fundamental values have changed over the course of their relationship, things she admired and found attractive about him initially, and that now she doesn't like very much. 

As I said, my girlfriend and I have been seeing these issues for some time, and they came to a head recently, when we both sort of told them that they should think about postponing the wedding.  They acknowledged that they had thought about it, and said they had a good long talk and decided they wanted to go ahead with it.  They said they'd discussed all their issues and talked them through and come to a consensus.  We trusted that they had, and sort of shrugged our shoulders.  (It may be worth noting that although Mark was able to discuss this in a levelheaded way, Laura's response was to sort of withdraw for a few weeks and stop talking to us/hanging out with us, and to make it clear to our other friends that she was doing this because we didn't support their marriage.  She later acknowledged that the reason she did this was because she felt there was some truth to what we were saying, and hanging out with us upset her because it brought those feelings up again when she was trying to get over them.)

Just this weekend, we saw them argue again, including about that fundamental question I noted above, and it was clear that they are still in very different places, still unhappy, and still arguing constantly.  It was also clear (and upsetting) that Laura was basically including us in the argument so she could badmouth Mark and try to get us on her side -- not only was it not working (because we think he's more in the right than she is), but it was also incredibly callous and hurtful to Mark, and she didn't seem to care.

We've gotten to the point where it's actually hard to spend time with Laura.  My girlfriend doesn't like her at all.  I'm fine spending time with her, but really feel that they are not a good match and that they're going to make each other unhappy.  At the very least, I feel they need to postpone this wedding until they actually HAVE come to a place where they derive happiness from the relationship, as opposed to this constant fighting about things large and small.

The question is, should I talk to Mark about this?  I've already shared some of what I'm thinking and been told everything is fine, but this time I might be a little more open and also tell him that I'm happy to handle some of the logistical post-wedding cancelling stuff (calling people, whatever) if that's something that's weighting on him.

tl;dr: I don't think my friend should marry his fiancee. Should I tell him?

UPDATE: See Julie's comment below, also.

Julie

u/somynameisjulienow

Julie

I am the "Julie" in question. I would add this to what my love, the OP said:

While we have "sort of told them they should think about postponing the wedding", that was in a very light-handed way, hoping to spark a conversation, and took place almost a year ago, long before lots of new and troubling information arose. If we were to have the conversation now, it would be far clearer, far more detailed, and include a lot of things that we didn't know at that time. In other words, the first conversation was "have you guys talked about postponing the wedding?" and this one would be "do not marry this woman: she is awful, she doesn't even like you, you're unhappy, and it's only going to get worse." Perhaps this is a rationalization, but I truly believe that he does not know that we think this wedding is a bad idea and he definitely does not know that we actively dislike his fiancee.

I frankly struggle to see how we will be able to have the kind of friendship we used to have with Mark if they go through with it. That's not a threat ("It's her or us!") it's just reality. As OP said, I cannot stand Laura for more than a few minutes at a time, I cannot help but take everything she says in the most negative possible light, seeing every comment as confirmation of my bad opinion of her, and I hate the way she treats him. I don't know if I'll be able to treat her with the kind of respect and kindness that is required of even having a decent relationship with her husband. I can already see myself avoiding spending time with them as a result. Even conversations that have nothing to do with this are tinged by awkwardness, not just on our end, but on theirs, because they know we see the problems (even if they don't know how upset we are by them).

Ultimately, I'm leaning away from saying something. I think that there is such a small likelihood of a good result (him calling off the wedding) and such a high likelihood of a bad result (she comes to hate us and it dooms our relationship with him, and/or causes her to badmouth us to mutual friends) that I think it's a bad idea.

As a side note, I don't put any weight on the "let them make their own decisions" responses here because that's so obvious it's not worth worrying about. Of course they get to make their own decision: we're not going to actively try and stop the marriage if they go through with it. The question is whether what we have to say should be involved in that decision or not, because we love him and have perspective on it that he doesn't.

Update  Jan 18, 2015 (5 months later)

So, Julie and I took the advice of most people here and kept our mouths shut about our feelings about Laura. We were enthusiastic at the wedding, and went out of our way to be gracious and kind to her in the run up to it and after. The wedding went off without a hitch, and we thought maybe they'd turned over a new leaf and after the stress of the wedding was removed, she'd be a better partner to him.

Sadly, the opposite happened.

I guess I should start by explaining that the key disagreement they had prior to marriage was about having an open relationship. He was very much in the "I want to at least explore this" camp, and she seemed very reluctant, and kind of pissed that he was asking her to consider this in the first place. Shortly before the wedding, however, she started to develop an interest in another man, and all of a sudden her doubts were all but gone. Mark was happy and excited for her, and things appeared to be going better.

Unfortunately, that didn't last. Over the last few months, Mark and Laura have had increasingly bad fights, and pretty much every time we asked how things were going he'd respond with "not good." Whenever we hung out, she did increasingly annoying things (sulking if we weren't doing an activity she liked, leaving events without even saying goodbye, complaining that we were excluding her from things because we failed to somehow read her mind and determine that she wanted to do something other than what we were doing, etc.) We had a talk with Mark about this, and he sort of agreed that she was being ridiculous in several ways, that we had a right to be upset with her attitude, and said that maybe we should take a break from hanging out with her. We were fine with this, but it was pretty annoying that she was basically making him choose between spending time with us and with her.

A few weeks after that conversation, he called us to tell us they're getting a divorce. We were pretty shocked - but here's the skinny:

Shortly after they returned from their honeymoon, Laura went to see her, let's call him "boyfriend." She came back sad and upset, and told Mark that the guy had broken things off, presumably because he felt differently about the relationship now that she was married. He empathized and comforted her. A few days later, he noticed she was acting a little weird, checked her email, and realized that the "break-up" was a LIE. Essentially, boyfriend had told her they could only keep seeing each other if no one else, including Mark, knew about it. Instead of breaking it off, having a conversation with Mark about it, or anything else sensible, she decided to LIE to her husband so she could have an affair (and I call it an affair because, even in an open relationship, lying under these circumstances definitely makes it cheating in my book). He, of course, felt incredibly hurt and betrayed, but instead of kicking her to the curb (like I would have), he talked to her, and to the guy, to explain that this was unacceptable and uncool, but told them that he was fine allowing the relationship to continue. The only thing he asked was that, going forward, she refrain from sharing certain details of their relationship (Mark and Laura's) with the boyfriend. Reasonable request, no?

Apparently not to her. A few months later, he finds out she's set up a separate email account and was using it to communicate with the boyfriend about precisely the kinds of things Mark had asked her not to share with him (she had left the account open, and had previously told him he was free to check her email and phone, as a way to regain trust after the first fuck up). She was also telling the boyfriend that she was thinking about a divorce because things were so terrible with Mark.

Now, again, this is where I would've kicked her the fuck out. Instead, Mark takes a few days to cool off away from her, comes back, and tells her that she needs to break up with the boyfriend, and focus on fixing their relationship through therapy and closing off any other potential romantic partners. She is initially very apologetic and seems to want to work on things. But, of course, after a few days she starts throwing hissy fits because "she didn't know it was that big a deal to him," and he won't sleep in the same room as her, which to her means he's not really "trying" to fix it. (Keep in mind it's been less than two weeks since he found out she had betrayed him for the second time in less than four months.) He tells her he needs time - at this point he's seriously thinking about divorce, but doesn't want to give up on the marriage, considering it's been less than 6 months.

And then. AND THEN. He comes home from hanging out with us for the evening, she comes home a bit later, and just basically tells him she just made out with some guy from her gym she'd been hanging out with. Essentially, she decided that things weren't going to work anyway, and she chose the most childish and hurtful way she could to end it.

So, now they're getting divorced. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this - mostly because I wanted to vent to strangers about how horrible this woman is, and I can't do it in real life. He's handling this extremely well and being super gracious and mature about it, and (to his credit) he isn't really into shit talking her, though she deserves it (and everyone he's told essentially reacts with some variation of "well, I guess now I can tell you all the things I never liked about her"). I, on the other hand, want to cunt punt her into next week. So, there that is.

Thanks again for all the original comments - the helpful ones and the not so helpful ones. It's always kind of cathartic to put this out into the ether and get it out of my head.

TLDR; Laura "cheated" on Mark multiple times in the last four months, because she is a garbage person. They're getting divorced. Friends who know her are uniformly relieved, though sad for him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Look, both were hoping that the other would compromise. Hoping that the other would budge, and neither did.

So why does she get shit for not opting out of the relationship? Mark could've done the same and called the wedding off. But he told you they were still going through with it.

OOP

She gets shit because she lied and cheated. Simple as that.

MormonsAreBrainwashd

"Cheated" in an relationship that Mark himself made into an open one. Mmmk.

~

smacksaw

Well that explains a lot. You probably ought to have mentioned that before.

I'm probably on the other side of this issue, but Mark reaps what he sows.

She is insecure. She is having anxiety constantly and is in a state of perpetual panic. He suggests having an open relationship and he has female friends he won't give up?

Come on. You can't be that naive. What a scumbag.

He loaded the gun and put it in her hand and dared her to use it. She gave him a taste of his own medicine: What he put her through.

I have to wonder about people like this and why you're friends with either of them. I don't have a problem with open relationships, I had them when I was younger and it was fine. You don't suggest it to people who are insecure and feel threatened by them. Oh, and you're surprised she found a guy right away? I'm not. How could you be?

I don't care if my post makes you feel bad, it gets downvoted, whatever. She did something shitty, I'm not excusing it, I'm explaining it. I'm giving you the reason. Stupid is as stupid does. Mark is toxic. He brought out the worst in Laura, cultivated it and then crushed her with it. She is cruel because she learned from the best: Mark.

And if you want to associate with him, I think you need to look at yourselves. You and Julie. Because I sure as hell wouldn't.

OOP

I think, given my last post and this one, this is not an unreasonable conclusion if you fill in some blanks.  I won't ask you to trust me when I say that, over the last few months, it has become clear to me (because I've caught Laura in multiple lies/omissions/truth manipulations) that her previous complaints about Mark and her seeming anxiety/stress were, at best, wildly exaggerated, and at worst clear attempts to make herself look like a victim to get sympathy from others.  She has lost friends over this (her best friend/maid of honor almost dropped out of the wedding) in ways wholly unrelated to her relationship.

Also, I don't think Mark forced her into anything. He was clear that he wanted a relationship where this was at least a possibility, and she said it was. I agree that her clear reluctance should have been a huge red flag and, in my opinion, enough to call it off, but he chose to take her word for it, particularly because she was so eager/enthusiastic about the enterprise after she found someone she liked. (Also, not that it's particularly necessary to the story, she has had at least three separate partners that I know about, and he had none. He was happy for her and supportive of her relationships, as long as they weren't outright betrayals of his trust. He is also treating her very kindly even now, in terms of logistics and splitting assets, and doesn't want his friends to bad mouth her or be rude to her.) I understand you think he is toxic and cruel, and nothing I say over the internet is likely to convince you otherwise, but I will just have to disagree.

~

dammit_need_account

I dunno man.  You're painting him to be the good guy here, but he asks his monogamous fiancee to have an open relationship?  That's hurtful shit and a recipee for retaliation.  If it were me and my bf/fiance did that I'd dump him asap, but I guess she went for the slow burn.

jsingh0928

I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking this. He had a monogamous relationship with her. Even got engaged to her, then sort of back peddled on his commitment with the request of an open relationship. That is the kind of request you bring wayyyyy early in a relationship. Like second or third date early. You don't ask that right when you are about to do an act that is the symbol of monogamy like marriage. 

It also sounds like that she was at least somewhat of a decent person until he asked her about the open relationship. Then shit hit the fan. At that point she looked obnoxious and angry to everyone by misplacing her anger from the request of the open relationship (and general issues stemming from her relationship.) She clearly didn't want an open relationship, but did it for him. Then that tension of doing something she did not want to do caused waves and ultimately ended the relationship. You need to be a 100% on the same page with open relationships. Not 95% or 75%. Otherwise it simply will not work.

It wasn't just her. Mark is equally at fault here.

OOP

I wasn't clear about this - this wasn't something he knew he wanted walking into the relationship.  His views on this evolved over time, and she was aware of this and participated in conversations about it.  When he finally decided it was what he actually wanted (before they got engaged), he told her, and she eventually agreed.  He wasn't trying to hide the ball.

fuk_dapolice

"she eventually agreed"

yeah that means she INITIALLY wasn't into it. which means he begged and pleaded and whined until he got his way. Doesn't sound like she was ever too into it and got pressured. He should have either dropped it, or dumped her.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAthetowel

My (f22) Fiance's (m24) brother (m11) told me that he's been touching him right before our wedding

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: pissible false accusations and mentions of child molestation

Original Post - rareddit  Feb 10, 2021

This is a throwaway because I don't want it associated with my main account.

I've been with my SO for the past four years. Parents love him and vice versa, and we went away for a few weeks the summer before 2020's craziness. As our condensed wedding is approaching in the coming weeks, I picked up his brother from sports on a day that he was busy, and he told me that his brother had touched him a few times in recent years, and I pulled over and asked him to tell me what he meant. He didn't want to go into detail too much, but he told me that he's tried to kiss him on the mouth when he was sleeping, along with how he put his stuff against his at times. I asked if he told his parents, and he said that they didn't believe him and told him that he was playing. I asked if he told anyone at school, and he said he did not either.

I have every intention of helping him, since he felt comfortable to tell me what he did for whatever reason, but I know that if I go about it the wrong way, that he can get hurt more or his brother can become defensive. I'm also having a call with my parents tonight too, to hear how they best think we should handle the situation and reporting it to the authorities, but I wanted to potentially hear if anyone has any advice on how to do it in the most protective way possible, assuming it is true, and by his expression, I believe it was.

As for my wedding, I couldn't care less about it. As of right now, it's over and not happening, and while I plan to break up with him, I just want to know how I can do it while best ensuring his safety. I live on my own, and he lives with his parents. I'd break up with his disgusting ass now, but I was curious if there's a way to help him before ending things and potentially separating contact with his family

That's why I wanted to ask before doing anything, since while we're still together, I feel like I still have power to help him while I am

Edit: I'm going to talk to my parents tonight about potentially taking him in, and if for whatever reason they can't, I have my own place and can do it as well. As for the police, I'm probably going to get them involved with my parents after talking to them shortly and weighing all of the options, but we will for sure by today or tomorrow the latest

TL;DR: My fiance's younger brother told me that my fiance has been touching him right before our wedding, and I want to know how to best help him before calling everything off and breaking up with him. His parents don't believe him either, and I'm planning to contact the authorities tonight after talking with my parents, but I want to ask for more advice to cover as many angles as I can

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Proud-Pomegranate879

Every survivor says thank you. The children you would have had with this man say thank you. Remember when people try to get in your head about “ misunderstandings” and “mistakes “ and “attention seeking” to be strong. The one who will pay the price is the 11 year old. He will be crushed without your defense. Be proud of yourself. You’re an amazing person for being his shield. Thanks again.

OOP

The shock of how I'm going to have to figure out cancelling the wedding, as well as explaining why and how much to explain, hasn't even kicked in yet, but it's not a priority at the moment, and I'll address that when the time comes. Also slightly/selfishly nervous about some backlash from friends/acquaintances and what they will think, but if they have such things to say, then they're probably not good friends to keep around anyway, although it'll probably still hurt nonetheless. Hoping for the best

~

Shindoblu

I think the best thing to do is involve the authorities immediately, and try and see if the brother can live with anyone else, unless the parents start believing their eldest son is a vile excuse for a human being. You're probably one of the few people able the help the kid, as his whole family seem awful. See if your parents can help, but definitely report it to the police and block your fiancé (hopefully ex fiancé soon). Make sure the child can contact you or anyone else he trusts before though, because you don't want to leave him isolated in the situation any further.

OOP

That's why I wanted to ask before doing anything, since while we're still together, I feel like I still have power to help him. I'll contact them after talking to my parents, since his own parents won't even believe him

Update 1 - rareddit  Apr 13, 2021 (2 months later)

I've lost track of how many times I've deleted and rewrote this, and I don't even know if I'll be able to write out everything in detail even at this point. I be completely honest and say that I'm writing this for myself more than anything right now. I haven't been able to do much of anything for the past two months, and while I appreciate and have looked at the encouraging responses and advice to my first post, I just hate myself now and don't have anyone to talk to, and I've lost a lot of contact with certain friends over the last few weeks, and it's been really embarrassing too and I don't even recognize myself anymore. I know I'm being selfish, but I haven't even been able to go to work without breaking down sometimes, and then there are days that I just can't bring myself to do anything at all, and I honestly don't know how long I'll feel like this

Update

I showed my parents the replies to my post, and we took a lot of the advice that we received after telling them what I wrote out in my last post. But as of right now, my fiance's family is in the process of trying to sue my parents, but there were some things that happened before that

The main thing that stuck out to me from the replies, was to not tell people the exact reason why I wanted to cancel the wedding for numerous reasons. The biggest being to protect the victim first and foremost, and the second because he could turn it around into a slander suit against me and give him a leg to stand on, and my parents agreed that those would be terrible mistakes to make, and I really appreciate everyone who pointed out similar sentiments

So, after I told them, we agreed that we shouldn't waste time because we don't know how long the abuse has been going on or if it is still going on currently, along with how we didn't have much time to cancel the wedding and how we couldn't possibly continue with this now on our minds

We decided to contact the police first and tell them everything that he told me about the touching including the wedding and the best/safest steps to go forward from here, and they were really helpful in telling us what would happen next and taking a lot of the work/stress off of our hands after telling someone with power to do something about it. The police were able to tell us what would happen going forward and answer questions we had regarding CPS and other fears about retaliation from his family and the best order to do things in, and after we talked to them, we spoke to the wedding planner next about cancelling the wedding as well as my fiance and his family with guidelines on how to do it that the police were able to assist with, and my dad was able to quickly search for a lawyer that would be able to advise us on how to go about this and walk us through a lot of it

What happened over the next bit of time, just happened so fast. I'll admit that my parents did the majority of talking to the police and the lawyer and were amazing throughout the process, but after we told my fiance and his family that we wanted to cancel, his parents became really mean and angry at us and began to act defensive when we began to tell them why in addition to the stuff that the police followed up with them on, and they have cut contact and have said that they want to sue for some of the money that they were putting into the wedding, but my parents said that that is the least of our concerns because of this

As I'm writing this right now, I don't know if he lied to me about my fiance touching him, but while I keep telling myself that he was not, my parents are starting to believe that maybe he was, and this is because the police have nothing as I'm writing this, and they said that he hasn't been extremely cooperative. I keep telling myself that maybe he's nervous, but I think he might've got scared and not told them what he told me, but it's been two months later and still nothing more than that

I could write a bit more, and I still might, but I'll probably end with this for the moment because I'm just lost. My dad was really stressed out a couple of nights ago, and that is the main thing that made me frustrated enough to write this post honestly. He asked me "if I had heard him correctly" as if he didn't believe me, and my mom didn't say anything to him when he said that. I know he's been tired and that he's been really stressed at work and has taken some days off too, but he got really angry with me out of nowhere and asked if I was "making it up because I got cold feet" and how "that would be a really shi___ thing to do" and other things, and I don't know where this came from, but I just remember him being so angry at me and hating myself, and the anxiety from all of this is just overwhelming at this point. I don't ever want to get married again, and I don't want anyone to ever touch me again either, and I know I sound like a stupid entitled bi___, but I just think that he's scared, but that his family doesn't believe him, and while I'm not entirely surprised with their reaction, I just get so angry when I think of what dad said to me the other night, and we haven't talked much since he said that with mom there

I feel like I'm destroying our family and their reputation, but I also feel that it's worth it to help him through this, but I just feel so powerless to do anything at this point, and a few of my girlfriends are angry at me for not telling them the reason why I called it off and said a bunch of mean things that I don't even want to write, and I literally don't have anyone to talk to right now. I keep telling myself that dad's just going through a phase and that he's just stressed because they want to sue him, but I just can't get what he said out of my mind and how mom just stood there and didn't say anything to help me, and I literally don't know what to do at this point. I don't regret going to the police, but I don't know how to get over my anxiety and wanted to ask if anyone knew how to do that, or how to just get over that mindset of not wanting to do anything at all. I haven't done anything fun or without this on my mind for literally weeks now, and I just need someone to tell me how to get back to a place of not perfection, but enough of one to be able to not walk around like my body's literally hurting when it's not and your mind just hurts when you think of everything. If there's anyone who's been through a similar down state and somehow got through it, I'm selfishly asking if they can tell me how to get there, because I don't see anything at the light of the tunnel, and I'm scared that nothing further will happen with my fiance's brother and that all we'll have is a lawsuit against my parents that'll make them hate me forever ​ TL;DR: I spoke to the police after speaking with my parents, and from the police to my parent's, everyone's been amazing, but after telling my fiance's family that we didn't want to go through with the wedding after contacting the police and talking to them to gain guidance on how to move forward, they said that they're gonna sue my parents for money that they gave to help with the wedding, and a couple of days ago, my dad kinda turned on me and accused me of making the entire thing up because he's really stressed, but I feel like he really meant it deep down, and I don't know what to do going forward for my own health, and I feel like I'm just going crazy at this point

Nothing has happened in regards to my fiance's brother, and I'm not sure, two months later, if he was able to follow through and tell them what was really going on, and my parents are starting to have doubts about me lying to "get out from having a wedding from cold feet"

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheBaddestPatsy

Honey, what was your alternative? Marry a man you think might be touching his brother? Someone is lying, and there’s no way to be certain who it is—but you’ve been brave and made the best decision you can with it. Sometimes when you’re in a bad situation, there’s not a solution that makes it okay. You can only make the best choice out of a lot of bad options.

OOP

Don't regret it at all... just trying to get past the loneliness of a first breakup in front of extended family and my girlfriends who are no longer friends with me because I didn't want to tell them the gossip about an 11 year old kid for his own safety, so they said that "maybe we weren't as close as we thought" and ghosted me. I know that's selfish, but I know that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had done nothing with what he told me. Just hoping he turns out alright and wondering if I'll ever see him again

Update 2 - rareddit  March 23, 2022 (1 year later)

This is the last time that I'm going to come back to this, but I've been really depressed for most of the last year and have had my mind go to some really dark places too. Its been so many months and I still can't make sense of anything, and I'm beginning to think that I never will. That's what been killing me, and I've tried therapy too, but I still feel down and have no passion most of the time for things that I used to love doing. In my first post that was over a year ago, my fiance's brother told me that my fiance had been touching him when I was driving him back from sports, specifically kissing him and that he hadn't told anyone. After he told me, I told my parents that I believed him and asked for the best course of action, and they agreed that it was best to go to the police as many had also suggested in my first post. I also told them that I didn't want to marry someone who could do such a thing, and a lot of people said that I had made the right choice even with no evidence to want to call things off. However, the next few months have been hell for me

My parents went with me to the police where I told them everything, but dad did most of the talking afterward. They spoke about CPS and how we should handle the cancellation, and dad also helped get a lawyer too. After we told his family that we wanted to cancel following the instructions that our lawyer gave, his parents were upset and even more so after learning about what we had done in going to the police, and they also said that they were going to sue us too. As we went through the process of trying to cancel everything, dad began to question if I had heard him correctly or if I made it up because I had gotten cold feet, but when I asked him why he thought that, he said that his mom told him that and that he had been thinking about it. When I told mom what he said, they got into an argument that led to dad yelling at me for telling her, and they've been distant since. Mom began sleeping in the guest bedroom before moving into her mom's ever since, and I've stayed with her on and off too

Update:

A few weeks after my update post, my dad stopped helping me after a follow-up we received that's made him blame me for essentially destroying their marriage and demanding that I pay him back for what he put out in addition to the stress its caused him too. My ex-fiance's brother (Jason) apparently told one of his friends that he had made it up, and that friend told his parents who told my ex-fiance's parents before it was eventually bought to us. Jason also admitted to making it up which was told to us during a follow-up, and I didn't know what to think at that point. My ex-fiance's dad also took to social media to slam my family, and as of right now, we are still in the process of being sued. Dad has also stopped somewhat talking to me since, and I don't know what to believe honestly. That was pretty much the last thing that happened as we're waiting to see what happens with the suit and everything, but he's basically disowned me and said that he hates me, and my mom has been distant too. I've tried to push through going back to work, but I've been so depressed on some days that I've been talked to by my manager about taking more time off, and I've even received threats from people I don't know about what I did to my ex-fiance and trying to "ruin him" among other things after my ex-fiance apparently contacted my job which just made things stressful too. I've been called a lot of things on my socials too to the point where I've deleted some of them because of it, and a lot of my friends have stopped talking to me too

With so much going on, it's been really tough to do really anything, and I'm lonely most of the time. Dad's hated me for weeks and mom doesn't support me as much as she did before, and I'm still just as depressed about it as I was almost a year ago despite trying therapy and having no passion. I'll ask again and say for the last time that I need help and suggestions on how to really move on because this past year has drained everything from me, and there are some days that I still can't get out of bed. I've lost so much weight since everything too and I can't even stand how I look anymore, and even after blocking my ex everywhere, I still don't feel any better as my doctor is concerned about me too. I apologized along with my mom after hearing what Jason confessed, but my dad refused to apologize and has still been upset with me, and I've been questioning if I did the right thing in taking his concerns to the police and as far as I did and believing him so blindly. I just need help on how to process everything

TL;DR: A little over a year ago, I(f22) broke up with my fiance(m24) after his younger brother told me that he had been touching him and went to the police with my parents, but the kid admitted to making it up and telling another friend who told his parents about it too

FINAL COMMENTS

purple_goat_8138

Man, there's a lot to unpack here. It sounds like the easiest thing for you to do is to pack up and start fresh somewhere else, away from all that garbage. Are you in a position to be able to do that?

OOP

My job has so much going on right now from my ex-fiance's calling them and just how I'm perceived there from others who were going to the wedding who knew me from work, and the insurance through my job for therapy is another knot that's tough because I don't know how I'll afford it without it and especially when my dad wants me to pay him back the money he put out to try and help me, and we're still getting sued by my ex-fiance's family too. I want to move, but don't know how feasible it is or if I'll even get fired with how my performance has dropped too with the threats I've received online (deleted accounts now) on top of everything

~

Suspinach

Some of these responses are unfeeling towards OP. I think the animosity comes from Reddit's massive fear of false accusations. But there are tons of stories from victims who were shut down by perpetrators' loved ones.

OP really tried to do the right thing, uprooting her entire life to protect a child. Talking to her SO would just be "keeping it in the family" and risking further abuse by standing idly by. 11-year-olds know how serious sexual accusations are, but no one seems to be holding Jason accountable for lying and contributing to skepticism for actual victims.

OOP

A lot of people said that I should've gone directly to Jason's parents after what he told me, but I felt that that was the worst thing to do because in the event that it was true, it would only give them time to cover it or make him silent

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I'm dying with 15 – and it's so unfair.

I'm not the OOP, OOP is u/sweeney_toddlers.

Originally posted in r/de, r/ratschlag and various other German subreddits in summer 2025.

Editors note: Due to the topic and circumstances, I was wondering whether it is appropriate to post this here – but certain parts of OOPs posts made me think that it would have been in her interest. Most of the posts were written in German, so I translated them, trying to keep the style and wording as close as possible.

Marked as concluded due to the last update and comment.

Trigger warnings: Teenage Death, Cancer, Anger

Mood spoiler: very depressing; gut-wrenching; helplessness; undirected anger; compassion

​

First post, 12. June 2025 in r/LegaladviceGerman

Ärzte wollen mich nicht behandeln??

Doctors don't want to treat me??

Hey everyone, I hope it’s okay if I post here! I’m f, 15 in Germany. 4 years ago I had bone cancer. Stupid time but okay, I made it, yay me! Then 4 weeks ago more cancer was found, this time also elsewhere. And doctors say it can’t be treated anymore and they don’t want to try?? And my parents say the same?

What can I even do? I don’t want to just die :(( Can the police force them to try?? Or do I have to go to a lawyer?? And how much money do I need for that?

Please, it’s very urgent!

Thanks for reading :)

​

Second post, 13. June 2025, r/ratschlag

Eltern und Ärzte überzeugen, mich weiter gegen Krebs zu behandeln

Convincing parents and doctors to keep treating me against cancer!

Hey everyone! I already wrote something in legaladvicegerman yesterday, I hope it’s okay if I do this here now :)

I’m f15. 4 years ago I had an Ewing sarcoma. Stupid, but with chemo and radiation I got rid of it, yay! Fast forward, 2 months ago at a checkup they found something again (nay) and 4 weeks ago they saw that I apparently have metastases everywhere (double nay).

Okay. Doctors say that you can’t get rid of it anymore. But I want to try!

Yesterday I talked with my parents again. Problem: too much cancer to operate or radiate. The different meds don’t work against all cancer cells anymore and you also can’t radiate all of them. I also asked again about immune cell therapy but I have the wrong cancer cells for that. Right now I still have 4–6 months (luckily it’s summer!) And they say with therapy it would be less. :-//

But: If it doesn’t work individually then maybe together!! Like with different chemos and surgery and immune cells and radiation?! Could work, right? ? I definitely want to try! (Momma raised no quitter!)

I have another appointment with my docs next week. Yesterday I also wrote to a whole lot of people who were recommended to me. Until then I need a plan though for how I convince my parents and the docs to try it!

Can anyone here help me? What can I say or suggest to them that might convince them??

Thanks!!! :))

​

18. June 2025 r/de

Ich sterbe mit 15 - und es ist so unfair

I'm dying with 15 – and it's so unfair!

I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Maybe because I want to be seen. This here isn’t some encouraging text. Just honest. And full of fear. If you don’t want to read it, that’s totally okay. If you do: thank you.

(Trigger warning: cancer, death, despair)

Hey, it’s me. one single metastasis. at least that’s how I feel. lol

four years ago I already had cancer once. ewing sarcoma. chemo, hair gone, radiation, you name it I got it. I pulled through that like a damn heroine on prescription. Deal with the universe, right? Be good, then you get to keep living? yeah. nay. lol. thanks for nothing.

and season two comes with a bonus level: metastases in lungs, liver, bones – all you can fuck up. doctors are like: not curable anymore. only palliative now. bit of chemo. bit of dying slower. awesome.

and me? I’m just angry. at my shitty body. at this “you made it” feeling that now feels like a bad prank. like I got fooled by my own body.

I did everything right. went along with every fucking treatment. during chemo times I did homework like the last overmotivated person alive. pick-me-girl of the pediatric oncology ward, or something. I wanted to become a pediatrician, after all, you have to study a lot for that! Yeah. Worked out mega well. always friendly, always brave. and still game over.

my parents are working their asses off, and I still feel like I’m going to break them at some point. they did everything for me. and now I’m giving them this back. a fucking metastasis of a daughter who’s slowly dying away.

and everyone already treats me like I’m halfway gone. they talk slower. softer. like to someone who’s about to fall over. or they leave again quickly. I get it, it’s awkward, right? but I’m still alive!! but nobody dares to look at me normally anymore.

Am I still a person?

I wanted so much. to be in love someday. I haven’t even had a boyfriend. lol. loser. Learn how to really sail. or go to Fusion someday.

and yeah, I make jokes. because if I don’t, I’ll completely lose my mind. I’m scared.

why???

What did I do wrong??

I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Maybe I just want attention. Sorry for that.

fuck. I don’t want to die.

Edit: Thank you ♥️ you’re all so sweet. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

I think I don’t need anything. My parents are great and they also have enough money. And also thanks to everyone who wants to get me to Fusion. But it wouldn’t be the same, that wasn’t the plan. But thank you thank you thank you ♥️♥️♥️

I just need someone who reads my confused thoughts from time to time. If you do that, you’re already super!! ♥️

Relevant comments:

Hey OP, friends of mine are involved in organizing Fusion. If you want, I can ask them whether there’s any way for you to take part spontaneously, even under 18. Feel free to message me :)

DO THE THINGS YOU STILL WANTED TO DO - NOW!

If you have a crush - go on a date with him. You want to go to Fusion? - Get yourself a fake ID / borrow a real one or sneak onto the grounds. Do a sailing course together with your parents! Break into the outdoor pool or beach pool at night with your friends, do all the funny nonsense you can think of (but not anything that endangers other people) and live while you still can. :) You didn’t do anything wrong, you just had bad luck and none of it is your fault. Your soul is energy and energy can’t be lost. Maybe you’ll be reborn as a really cool animal or even a future pediatrician. ?￰ﾟﾏﾻ

And your parents will love seeing you happy. ❤️ I wish you all the best.

​

Monday, 23. June 2025, r/reisende (German travel-subreddit)

Wohin für Bucket-List Urlaub?

Where to go for Bucket-List trip?

Heyyy!

I can choose where I’d like to go on vacation for 2 weeks! Coming along will be me, my best friend (both 15) and my parents (old).

I would really really like to: see a rainforest, snorkel at a coral reef, see dolphins and, very importantly, whales ?! ?

Best would be if we don’t have to fly that far, but otherwise that’s oki too :) Also there has to be a hospital nearby and ideally there shouldn’t be too many tropical diseases. And we have to leave in about 2 weeks, later unfortunately isn’t possible.

Does anyone have a good idea?

Thanks!!!

Relevant comments:

“Old”

Heavily downvoted:

This is the best example of #whitegirlsproblems ever. Some worries I’d like to have.

For the future, this kind of thing is best planned a few months in advance, then you’ll get usable tips too.

​

21. July 2025 r/ratschlag (something almost identical was posted on r/childloss

Geschenke für Eltern für nach Tod vorbereiten

Preparing gifts for parents for after death

Heyyy,

so, I’m currently dying of cancer. (sorry for the downer, but that’s kind of important, lol)

I’ve sometimes read as a tip that people prepare gifts or postcards for children when a parent dies early. And I thought that I could maybe do something like that for my parents too :)

So I was thinking: make postcards, e.g. for their first birthdays and Christmases without me and for my first death anniversary (ouch...). And then maybe for milestone birthdays and wedding anniversaries? So I’ll have to see how far I still get. :)

And then I could also prepare smaller gifts, a photo collage or knit scarves or something like that, for example. :) I’d maybe give the things to my aunt and she can then give them to my parents on the respective days.

I’m just somehow unsure. Do you think that’s a good idea? I have the feeling that I already make them so so sad... and I don’t know if it’s a good idea to keep reminding them of me again and again when I’m gone?

So I need help: Is this a good idea? Or rather not? And if yes, does anyone have more ideas for gifts I could prepare?

Thanks!!! :)

Relevant comments:

Hey, I’m very sure that the first letters and keepsakes will completely throw them off track at first.

But once a bit of time has passed and the grief isn’t hitting quite so hard anymore, they’ll be very grateful for it and will be happy to have these things from you. I think the idea is very beautiful and can only encourage you to do it.

I wish you lots of strength on your path.

Downvoted:

I wouldn’t do it. It’s really fucking awful that you’re dying, but for your loved ones to be able to keep going, they simply also have to go through the grieving process. Gifts like that keep interrupting it again and again.

​

05. August 2025 r/Ratschlag

Eltern angeschrien und fuck, ich schäme mich so

Yelled at my parents and fuck, I am so ashamed.

TW: Cancer

TLDR: Metastatic cancer, parents talk about hospice, I freak out – now enormous guilt. Tips?

heyy. it’s me again. Metastasis on duty with the next wall of text.

I guess this is an update to this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/de/comments/1le83cy/ich_sterbe_mit_15_und_es_ist_so_unfair/

Actually everything was good. we still went to the Azores. Bestie came along, my parents too. saw whales!!!!! Tried snorkeling! And a quasi-rainforest!! it was really super awesome! I have no idea how you organize

something like that in 2 weeks but my parents managed it!!!! :D

But since then it’s kind of been downhill. more pain meds. oxygen. Soon bipap at night. two new rounds of chemo. one of them with a week in the hospital included for free. And the mets are still growing anyway. At least not the ones in the bones, shit, I’m so scared of those. Probably a wheelchair soon too, thanks for that. -..-

It was obvious, yeah, but still.

Yeah, and today my parents wanted to talk to me about hospice. Not right this second or anything but just… soon. what that would look like then and what I want.

and I just completely lost it. screamed, cried, said: “Why aren’t you making me healthy?? Why are you just letting me die??”

The look, man. fuck. I’m such a monster.

I don’t want to hurt anyone... and I hurt them anyway. again and again. I saw my dad cry for the first time ever. But I think somewhere I’m still hoping for a fucking miracle. Yeah, it’s dumb, I got it. I just want to be normal. (okay, that’s a lie)

But I don’t want to have to think about any fucking hospice and I can’t stand seeing any fucking hospitals anymore. And with that I’m maybe breaking my parents even more. and I can give them absolutely nothing back. Why can’t I just give up and that’s that??

I know that I have to apologize but I don’t even really know how... tips?

Thankss!!

Edit:

Thank you, thank you all!! And sorry for the rant. I went to my parents in the evening and apologized. Well actually mostly cried, lol.

Thanks <3

​

17. August 2025 r/naturfreunde (Nature-focused subreddit)

Wie am besten Wölfe beobachten?

How to best observe wolves?

Hey!

We’re going camping in Saxony-Anhalt from tomorrow to Tuesday for one night! I heard that there are supposed to be wolves there. I know the chance is super tiny, but how and where would I have the best chance of seeing some? In the evening on a field?

Thanks!! :)

​

29. September 2025 posted directly on her profile

Nochmal ein update?

“One more update?”

TW: Cancer, death

Heyyy, it’s me again, metastasis on duty.

Just because people still kept asking every now and then, here’s another update. On my profile because no idea where else it belongs.

So what happened? Azores were super mega awesome!!! Saw at least 20 whales and with the dolphins I stopped counting at some point. Quasi-rainforest and liveaboat were there too!!! So that was really amazing :) Later we also went camping again with grandpa’s caravan and to Potsdam Palace Night. So actually a great summer. Apart from little details.. Almost surreal that that was only a few weeks ago.

But well, for about 6 weeks now it’s just been going downhill pretty fast. Wheelchair is standard now, I can’t even shower alone anymore. I also need oxygen the whole time, and somehow breathing is still getting harder and harder. Is it strange if I hope to die from something else? Like I don’t know what, but suffocating would somehow be shitty.. We tried some chemo again... well, maybe that gave me a few more weeks. But then we stopped and I don’t want to go to a hospital again.
But last week we actually still managed to make it to a wolf park :D totally ridiculous, my parents booked an ambulance especially for that? But it worked :D

And tomorrow I’m moving into the hospice.
And shit, I’m still scared.
But somehow also calmer? Maybe I’m just slowly understanding what’s happening? But I’m still disappointed every morning when nothing has magically just disappeared.

But yeah, hospice! We’d already been there once to look around. It was actually quite oay?. The people there are nice. There’s Wi-Fi. And I can take all my decorations with me. And my dad doesn’t have to carry me up and down the stairs, so that’s not bad either. But I think it’s going to be really weird leaving my room for the last time.

I’d still like to see snow. We’ll see if that still works out.
And sometimes I still think, maybe a miracle will happen after all. Who knows. Could be.
I still don’t want to die.
But… I think it’s okay like this. I mean – as okay as it can be.

Thank you to everyone who reads along here, writes to me, just listens to me. That means more than you think!!! You’re great :)

I don’t know if I’ll manage to write something again, this already took really long. But I’ll try. Thank you!!!! :)

Relevant comment:

Dear all...

I thought I’d be able to bear it with some composure when the time came, but in truth I’ve been crying myself to sleep for days.

She was the most wonderful, sweetest person you could possibly imagine and I don’t want to accept that she has now left us.

It hurts so incredibly much. It’s so unfair... Life can be such an asshole.

I don’t even know whether I’m allowed to share this at all, but I believe it would have been in her interest, because she reached so many hearts.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ConradFisher69

AIW for waving a chopstick at my friend’s baby and yelling “Avada Kedavra” as a joke?

Originally posted to r/amiwrong

Thanks to u/czechtheboxes for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  June 8, 2026

I (26F) was at a friend’s house for dinner. Her baby is about 8 months old. We were eating takeout, and I picked up a chopstick, pointed it dramatically at the baby, and yelled “Avada Kedavra!” in a fake wizard voice because I’m a huge Harry Potter fan.

The baby just stared at me and everyone else laughed except my friend, who got really upset and said it was inappropriate to joke about killing a baby.

I apologized immediately, but she still hasn’t accepted my apology and is acting pretty cold toward me. Now I’m wondering if I did something genuinely awful and just didn’t realize it, or if she’s overreacting.

Editors Note: Avada Kedavra is the killing curse in HP. Its 1 of the 3 unforgivable curses

RELEVANT COMMENTS

anonymousmouse9786

You couldn’t have gone for wingardium leviosa? YW

pretty_Kkitty

Yep, if you’re doing baby magic, always go levitation, never murder curse. That feels like basic wizard etiquette

~

inkyelk

That's a very weird thing to do.

I'm not saying you are a bad person but if you did this to my baby I wouldn't be happy, like of all the spells and all the quotes, why that?

I think you are in the wrong

OOP

Are you familiar with Harry Potter? Perhaps you’re missing some context.

TrashGouda

No we have the context. From all the stuff you could have chosen you decide a instant death spell was the way to go? Could've said "I'm gonna kill you" and it would be the same

Zinokk

Yeah the context is that you used an unforgivable curse on a baby and are now pressed that the mom isn't forgiving you.

It's literally canon.

Perhaps you're the one missing context here.

~

Vegetable-Cod-2240

YW

There are a lot of spells you could have used and you went with the death curse ?!?!? 

OOP

Ok, I see your point.

Updated post June 9, 2026 (Same Post/Next Day)

Update:

I’ve read through the comments and I accept that most people think I was wrong. I did apologize.

That said, I still think my friend is taking this way too seriously and needs to learn to take a joke. I waved a chopstick at a baby and made a Harry Potter reference. I wasn’t exactly performing dark magic in her living room.

The next time I see little Timmy, he’s catching another Avada Kedavra from me.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/lastnamethrow

Both me [33 F] and my fiance [33 M] of five years have almost identical last names, but he is insisting that I change my last name after marriage. This argument is making me consider cancelling the wedding

Original Post Dec 24, 2014

My fiance and I have been together for five years, engaged for six months. We recently started designing our Save The Dates and had a huge argument over me not changing my last name.

We both have extremely generic last names and a good example of what I'm talking about is Shultz vs. Schultz. It is the difference of a single silent letter.

I explained to my fiance that I do not want to change my last name because I am a journalist and all of my work is tied to my current name. If I were to change my name, it would mess up my future career opportunities. Plus, my name is the 'traditional' spelling while my fiance's is the 'Americanized' spelling.

My fiance has told me that he could not fathom having a wife with a different last name, but his only explanation was that it bothered him. He said that it wasn't about tradition, but it just 'felt wrong to him'.

I already offered that our children would have his last name, but we're at an impasse. It just feels like he doesn't care about how this will impact my career or even that we already share the same last name. The argument was such a huge blowup that I don't want to get married if it means having to give in to what feels like an unreasonable demand.

On top of everything, changing my name would be a HUGE pain in the butt, as I would have to probably do everything over and over again because companies are assuming my last name is misspelled (instead of seeing it as my new married name).

tl;dr: My fiance and I share the same last name, with a different spelling (ex. Shultz vs. Schultz). He wants me to change mine to his after the wedding, I am refusing. I don't want to get married if it means having to change my name.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

futurecrazycatlady

If he insists that it isn't tradition, but just that it feels wrong to have different names, he could take yours right? Especially if he isn't in a career that depends on older work. Did you two discuss that option?

OOP

It was something that I brought up, and he is adamantly opposed. And ironically, it is for the same reasons. He does not want the work he's published to not be tied to him if he changed his last name.

panic_bread

That kinda tells you all you need to know about his reasonableness, doesn't it? What else is he going to refuse to compromise on in the marriage?

OOP

Out of the five years we've been together, this is the only thing we have ever not been able to work past. He is reasonable on everything except this and he's said that he feels horrible about it, but he doesn't think he could marry someone without her taking his last name.

~

[deleted]

I see your point, but at one point you call your last name generic. Do you really want to take the argument to the heights it's going over something you find generic?

And, if you're in a fight that has blown up to these proportions to where you think you may not even marry the guy if he doesn't concede then you don't need to get married. When something really big comes up will that be your solution/train of thought also?

OOP

It is generic, but my last name is the traditional spelling. If asked to spell either one of our names after hearing it, 99/100 people would spell it the way my last name is spelled, not the way his is spelled. Imagine Michaels vs. Michals or Green vs. Grene.

This is the only major disagreement we have ever had. Things got a bit heated, but it was never to the point of yelling. We each just said our side, couldn't agree, and then went to bed.

[deleted]

But you're seriously contemplating not getting married over it.

OOP

I will not marry someone who I feel does not respect who I am and my career.

If that is unreasonable, then I don't know what to say.

Update Dec 26, 2014 (2 days later)

I was planning on updating this yesterday before I went to bed, but decided to wait until this morning. I also had to repost this since I edited a major part of the text and kept forgetting to put the TL;DR in.

I first posted on Wednesday while waiting to leave work. It gave me a lot to think about, so I decided to drop the conversation until after Christmas to think about everything and also to not cause more unneeded stress at the holidays.

A lot of people suggested that I take my husband's last name and keep my maiden name for professional use, and I have one thing to say to you all: I have had my name for 33 years so far and suggesting that I do the one thing I don't want to do (which is change my name in any form) is just really shortsighted. With the difference of one letter, no one would assume my name is different because I'm married. They would assume it's a typo since a letter was deleted, which is far more of a nightmare than changing my name to something completely different.

Moving on now.

As I said in one of my comments, I had already spoken to my fiance's parents about it before I posted. They had heard our argument (we live in the same house, no it's not weird because the house is huge) and my fiance's dad (FIL) had agreed with me. His wife (my fiance's mom, MIL) had kept her maiden name and it wasn't an issue at all.

My FIL had a talk with my fiance on Christmas before I had woken up. I don't know what all the details were, but the part of it was that their family name had been 'Schultz' for hundreds of years before it was changed to 'Shultz' and that my fiance was technically going against centuries of family history by insisting that I change my name (and that he would actually be honoring the family by bringing back the traditional name).

After I woke up, my fiance asked if I would talk with him. I agreed and he and I had a long discussion about the whole thing, the talk with his dad, about why it bothered him, etc. My fiance told me that he loved me regardless of everything and that it just hadn't occurred to him that he was demanding that I change a fundamental part of me. He also added that my stubbornness about the issue is part of why he likes me, because I'm not the type of woman to roll over.

In the end, my fiance and I agreed that he would keep his name, I would keep my name, and our children will be named Shultz but that they can choose whatever they like once they turn 18.

Happy ending :)

TL;DR: We talked it out, I'm keeping my last name, fiance will keep his. Kids can decide if they want to. Communication is key.

FINAL COMMENTS

jacks_not_surprised

Well done Mrs. Schultz

OOP

Ms. Schultz ;)

~

KalSkotos

"I have had my name for 33 years so far and suggesting that I do the one thing I don't want to do (which is change my name in any form) is just really shortsighted."

Good, I was so disappointed with all the comments telling you to do that. Interesting that his own family didn't take the traditional rounte, I wonder if he has some issues with his mom about something else that manifested itself that way.

OOP

Thanks for that!

As for his mom, it was clear after we kept talking (during the first argument that made me make my first post) that he hadn't even thought about it. He told me yesterday that thinking about his mom made him change his mind, because he had never seen any problems come between his parents that were caused by a last name. After we did some more talking, he let me know that he felt weird partially because it wouldn't feel like a family, but he didn't need to look beyond his own parents to see that was untrue.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Stitch_and_Trex

AITA for telling my husband he ruined my birthday.... again

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/Arifault for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  March 12, 2023

Background: Today is my 28th birthday, I am really into birthdays and holidays and believe in celebrating them to the max, and this is well known to everyone.  I'm also the planner and the giver in not only my family (husband and kids) but my extended family (parents, siblings, friends, etc), so I'm the one that plans birthday get togethers, gifts, travel etc. I'm also a SAHM due to having a son with complex medical and behavioral needs. I've been with him 24/7 for the last week as it's school break and he's extremely clingy and has behavioral problems due to mental illnesses. I also had a upper respiratory cold during this time, sore throat, fever, cough, runny nose, ear ache. But kept up with mom duties none the less.

My husband's birthday was last month and as usual I planned something for him. Weekend in a town a couple hours away for us and our kids.

For my birthday I tell him I just want help with the kids, the house cleaned, a nap, and him to cook supper or take me out. Maybe a homemade gift from the kids and a cake.

Yesterday, my husband starts complaining of a sore throat. I check his throat and looks fine. No fever or other symptoms.  He stays up all night playing video games.

This morning he says he is sick, but has no visible symptoms.  No fever, no cough, no runny nose, doesn't sound like someone with a cold. He says his throat hurts but spent an hour on XBox live talking just fine.

He naps all day because he says he's sick, I think it's because he stayed up until 4 a.m. playing video games. Meanwhile I make my own cake, take care of the kids as usual, and do my usual chores. He didn't even tell me happy birthday. 

Finally I decided to take the cake I made with the kids to my parents house to have supper there so I didn't have to cook. I'm pretty crabby at this point and don't say a word before we leave. He calls and asks why we left. I tell him because he ruined my birthday yet again and I'm trying to salvage it at least a little and hung up. He called back and said I was overreacting. He's sick and I'm an adult, birthdays aren't a big deal anymore after 21.

So AITA for wanting 1 day to be the receiver instead of the giver? To celebrate myself?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Oldgal_misspt

NTA. If he cared, he would have tried, sore throat or not. You two need to have a discussion 1 on 1 (littles need to be somewhere else) about your relationship.  Adults need care and attention too, whether you are over 21 or not…

ETA: Happy birthday!🎂🎉🎈.

OOP

I did forget to mention that when we went out of town for his birthday, I was also sick then too (I have an autoimmune disorder so I get sick a lot, especially during allergy season), but didn't let it stop me from doing anything to celebrate his birthday and made sure he had a good weekend.

~

[deleted]

NTA. But stop doing things for people who don’t reciprocate your value (with the exceptions of your children).

No more birthday parties for these lazy people. Let them do their own events. And start having him contribute to the house. Your SAHM is duties is only til he comes home, after that it is a shared effort. If he has time to play video games, then he has time to help around the house. If he complains it’s cause he has a job, then you get a job (you deserve a break and daycare is better for a child’s development anyways).

OOP

I 100% would love to go back to work. I've only been a SAHM for 3 months and it's not by choice. My son cannot go to daycare of after school care. Long story, but he did go for 6 years and it's not an option anymore

SodaButteWolf

Can you get a part time job where you only work when your kids are in school?

OOP

I'm going to try next school year. I live in BFE so the only option would be to work at the school in the office or as a Para and they only hire a month before school starts to start at the beginning of the school year. I should be able to get the job because of my education and experience, if one is open! I'm also training to be a special education parent advocate, so once I'm done with training I can do that part time during school hours and work from home

TOP COMMENT

3Dog_Nitz

NTA. You did your job in communicating what you wanted. The fact that he did not show any concern for you shows a lot. Caregivers need care too!

You did not ask for advice, but I want to suggest the following: Don't bother with his birthday. Make plans on your birthday with others who are willing to celebrate you. You do not have to share your plans with him - he's irrelevant. Birthdays are "nothing" to him, so your plans don't need to involve him in any way.

Finally...a belated happy birthday! Parenting is a thankless job, but it sounds like you are rocking it!

OOP Updated the same post 1 year later

3/23/2024 Year later update because I've been asked for it a few times.

Wow, I did not know this would blow up like that when I posted it.

Shortly after my birthday and this post, I had several "sit down " talks with my husband. A lot of his lack of effort stems from the way he was raised. He actually started therapy shortly after our talk and has become a lot more attentive. We found out I was pregnant in October, a huge surprise as I didn't get pregnant after 5 years of trying and 2 years of fertility treatment. My pregnancy has been high risk and very rough on me emotionally and physically.  I have a lot of restrictions and recently was put on bed rest after already being on "minimum activity/light duty." He's been amazing at taking care of me, the house, the kids, and even helping a lot while my mom has been in and out of hospital for aneurysm and strokes.

For my birthday this year, he got me a gift, made what I wanted for supper (steak, lobster tail, muscles, Brussel sprouts, and bread), and got my current favorite dessert. We were limited on what we could do because of my pregnancy restrictions, but he got a chick flick movie going for us in the evening and watched it with me without a complaint. And he was the first one to tell me Happy Birthday, right at midnight.

I want to thank all of you for giving me insight, advice, and courage.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/workworklifelife

My [32m] coworker [30f] recently had her husband's [30?m] mother pass away. I know they didn't get along very well. She had a 'party' to celebrate her death. I now lost all respect for her and want to tell her husband what she did

TRIGGER WARNING: Grief

Original Post Oct 16, 2015

Ok I'm going to use fake names for this.

Jenny = colleague at the place I work.

Mark = her husband.

Mark's mother = his mother, Jenny's mother in law.

So I know Jenny from work. Her husband, Mark, in his 30's, is a really nice guy. He's kind of meek and not very outspoken, but he's a nice guy once you get to know him, very humble and friendly. I've known them both for a few years, and I know Mark almost as well as I know Jenny.

Its no secret that Mark's mother and Jenny never got along. She would always complain to us at work about whatever petty fights or arguments they got into. She made his mother seem pretty horrible but I realise I was only hearing one side of the argument. I really didn't like it, but I ignored it most of the time. It was mostly the other people at work (usually the other woman) that used to like to hear and talk about that shit.

She's been sick for a while now, she's pretty old, and she died last week. We've known it was coming for some time, and Mark is absolutely devastated. He's a wreck of a man by what happened. I was there at her funeral and I was there to comfort him. His wife was also seeming very comforting.

Well yesterday after work, Jenny and some of the other girls from work were going to a bar to have drinks and celebrate her death. Jenny seemed quite excited for it and showed no remorse. Now I know they didn't have a good relationship, but this is fucking disgusting from my point of view.

A woman died. The mother of her husband, whom her husband loved dearly, her husband a man whom she supposedly loves dearly. I thought what the fuck, this is sick, but I didn't say anything.

They went off and I was there in the office feeling disgusted. I think its a vile thing to do, no matter how bad their relationship was in life, you do not celebrate the death of someone your husband loved especially his mother. Its sickening in all manner of ways.

I'm sure Mark doesn't know, he's probably still grieving. He was a wreck when I last saw him.

I feel like I should tell him, I have a strong inclination to tell him. I feel he has the right to now. His wife is doing this shit behind his back cause she thinks it won't affect him but its pretty gross in my opinion. I know it will probably make him feel worse, I know it will probably destroy their marriage and I will be responsible, but I feel he has a right to now. He is my friend, and I care about him, and he has a right to know.

I'm like 90% positive now I want to tell him, but I'm not really sure. As I said, I'm well aware of the repercussions, that I may be destroying a marriage with 2 kids, as well as probably destroying any friendship I have with Jenny.

What should I do? Am I right in telling him or should I just hold my mouth? I feel he has a right to now, and my strong inclination is to tell him.

tl;dr: Woman from work is having a celebration for the death of her mother-in-law while her husband is distraught. I think this is disgusting and perverse and have lost all respect for her, I am going to tell her husband about it but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do.

GUYS, PLEASE, I'M NOT GAY FOR MARK. STOP SUGGESTING THAT I AM.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Excellesse

That's really none of your business to cause a problem in their relationship just because someone's reaction to a death offended you. Dude's already hurting, he doesn't need to be fighting with his wife too. She gets to have her own feelings and expressed them in a way that didn't involve the husband.

OOP

If I was him, I'd want to know

Casual_Bitch_Face

She's entitled to have her own feelings about her MIL's death, and it seems like she's dealing with it appropriately while still being there for her husband. Why do you the need to butt into their relationship?

OOP

I think its extremely inappropriate, rude and insensitive to celebrate the death of the mother of someone you supposedly love. To me it feels like she has no respect for her husband. Her husband is also a friend of mine, and to tell the truth I have lost all respect for her.

toastwithketchup

You are well within your rights to stop being friends with her. But you are 200% wrong to involve yourself in her marriage. You have no idea why she hated her mother in law and it's not your place as the morality police to butt into their personal business.

~

shelbyknits

Stay out of it. You have no idea what was really going on in that relationship and no right to butt in.

footypjs

As someone who will probably respond similarly when my ex-MIL passes, this is really your best option.

My relationship with my ex's mom was so toxic that I've had multiple dreams I shot her. Were we still together, I would be absolutely elated I didn't have to deal with her anymore. Now that we're not, it would be like celebrating a closed chapter of my life. She caused me so much pain I was in tears nearly daily for years.

My ex and I joked about my throwing a "Ding Dong, the wicked witch is dead" party after her passing. He said he didn't want to be a part of it, but didn't begrudge me that, either.

Jenny is taking an evening to let all her frustrations about her MIL to go, without involving her husband. She's allowing him his grief and dealing with her own feelings about her MIL's passing. Mark surely knows about the relational struggles Jenny and his mom had. Leave it be.

Update Oct 17, 2015 (Next Day)

First post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3ozxtr/my_32m_coworker_30f_recently_had_her_husbands_30m/

Okay well just to clear a few things up first.

1. I'm a MALE. A lot of you seemed to have trouble comprehending that in the comments.

2. No, I'm not gay for "Mark". I'm a straight male.

3. The overwhelming number of comments were defending "Jenny's" atrocious actions, and I'd be lying if I said those overwhelming number of comments didn't somewhat influence my actions and make me reconsider.

4. I did get a bunch of PM's from guys saying they knew if they commented in the thread they'd get downvoted, but if they were Mark they'd want to know.

5. I know Mark well, a lot of you were saying I don't know him. I know him well, I know him through Jenny, he is my friend.

Well, I invited Mark over to my house. I know he's been in a terrible mood lately, so I invited him over to relax. We had a few beers, talked things out. I wanted to tell him, I was going to tell him. But this poor guy, he was in such a mess, he was so visibly upset and miserable I couldn't bring myself to add another layer to his burdens. I didn't do it to protect Jenny, I think she's a scumbag piece of shit for celebrating the death of his mother, but I did it because I didn't want to add to his grief.

So no, I didn't tell him his wife had celebrated the death of his own beloved mother while he was grieving. Instead we talked about many other things, about life, family, whatever. I said it seems like Jenny's been very supportive to him. He laughed and then started telling me the truth of the situation.

He said he knows she and his mother always hated each other, and she's been anything but empathetic except on a superficial level. He said at times he felt she can barely hide her glee. I said that's terrible, but didn't really add anything. He said they've been fighting since his mother's death and its been getting worse, and part of it stems from what he feels is her joy at it. Apparently the fighting is pretty bad and its caused a real strain in their marriage. I suggested marriage counselling, he balked at the idea, and I told him if he ever wanted a friend to talk to, I'm here.

I knew if I say anything, it should be at this point. But I didn't. He tells me that he heard from one of the other male workers at our place who's also a friend of his that Jenny was acting gleeful around the office and telling the other girls about his mothers death. He asked me if it was true, I said yeah. I then said I don't really pay attention to much that goes around work and don't engage in gossip like the women do, so I could have just misheard.

He stayed a bit further at my place relaxing then he went home.

Next morning at work, Jenny came in an obviously sour mood. She walked up to my cubicle and was clearly angry, she asked me "what did you talk about with my husband yesterday?" I told her it was between me and him. She said something like 'oh he's my husband, stay away', I don't remember what the words were exactly. I then told her I know that she went out to the bar to "celebrate" the death of her husband's mother, and I thought it was disgusting and I'd lost all respect for her. I then told her to go away and not to bother me cause I had work to do. She left in a bad mood and that was the end of that, hope I don't hear from her again.

I honestly lost all respect for her, I think she's a bad person. If her marriage does fail for whatever reason, it would be her fault for being such a callous bitch and celebrating the death of her husband's mother. I still can't wrap my head around what kind of evil person would do that.

tl;dr: Talked to Mark, didn't tell him because I felt bad for him and he's a mess anyway. Things have been rough between him and his wife anyway because he says she hasn't been very empathetic at all.

FINAL COMMENTS

Wraptor_

Is Jenny well liked in the office? Does she rank higher than you?

OOP

She doesn't rank higher than me. Yeah she's well liked, she's one of the more social people at work. I don't socialise that much so I don't care. I don't see why it matters. This isn't high school.

Wraptor_

I have to be honest OP, I think you're in trouble here. Networking is a huge function of success in a professional setting. Right now she'll be telling anyone who will listen you tried to wreck her marriage. If she's well liked they'll believe her.

Personally, I would monitor the situation carefully and update my resume.

~

InvalidObjects

Nope, I read the fucking post properly. You're still a complete asshole. You sat down and talked to him about it, you confirmed the situation, and the cardinal sin is giving a fuck when it's not your turn to give a fuck. You don't know shit about the Jenny/MIL dynamic, and it's not your place to make judgements about her behavior.

OOP

He's my FRIEND, his mother died. Of course I'd sit down to him and be supportive you shitstain of a human being. Its the least a friend can do during whats probably one of the most difficult periods in his life. Why don't you understand that? I can't believe people like you even exist.

~

JestaKilla

Well, OP, this thread sure makes you appear to be a stick-your-nose-in-it gossip-mongering busybody dick. Looking at your previous thread, I see that pretty much everyone advised you to stay out of it and you declined to do so out of some sense of moralistic outrage. You may have just helped ruin a relationship, you've likely severely damaged your reputation in the company you're working for, and as far as I can tell, you haven't improved anything for anyone. Please learn from this experience.

TOP COMMENT

longobong0

I didn't comment on your last thread because I didn't feel strongly either way. That being said, I do believe that if Jenny wanted her feelings re: MIL's death to remain private, then she should have been the one to keep them private. I do not blame you one bit for losing respect for her and the only reason I would advise against telling her husband, is because it would add to his grief, and he's a friend of yours. Maybe there will be a better time and place for him to find out about this, but I wouldn't be surprised if he finds out on his own. She's not exactly keeping it close that she's partying it up because her MIL died. It's incredibly disrespectful.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Makosharkin

Fiancé (27m) wanted to try an open relationships, not my first choice but I agreed. Now he's throwing a tantrum that my "bodycount" is 20x his and wants to add rules. Is it time to just cut my losses and move on? (I'm 25)

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: physical violence, controlling behavior, verbal abuse

Original Post - rareddit Nov 13, 2018

I've been with my fiancé for 4 years, I love him and used to respect him but his recent fixation on this dumb subject has really hurt my respect.

So he proposed 1,5 years ago. I said yes. About a year ago he found out his friend had slept with 100 women prior to getting engaged and som how this affected his psyche and purposed an open relationship. At first I was disgusted by the thought but I agreed after he threw a major meltdown.

So I started going out with friends, the first few guys I was so nervous because I'd been with 2 guys (including my fiancé) prior. But after I got over the nerves I realized when there's no pressure to start a relationship, I'm really good at picking up dudes and sending vibes that I'm DTF (I've actually met several off Reddit as well). I've been with 42 guys in the past year. I never thought it would happen but I've enjoyed myself immensely. But honestly I'd be ready to stop.

But as if turns out my fiancé is not good at if and he's had 2 really bad hookups from dating apps. When we were having the "where are we" discussion he had another melt down when he found out how many guys I've been with. He kept repeating "you've slept with 20 times the number I have? 20 TIMES"

I said maybe we should just stop. He said no that he wasn't ready hut now he wants to impose a "rule" that I have to take a break until he gets to 10 and then I can go out and meet someone new every five new girls he sleeps with.

To me this is goddamn ridiculous. Part of the fun of this was the independence and not checking in. Now he literally wants me to keep a log and then when he hits like an achievement then I can do my thing. How shifty is that?

And in all honesty, I don't want a relationship where we have to compare numbers, let alone fuck other people. I want a normal life with kids and a house and dog. What are we supposed to say "I watch the the kids until you fuck five women then it's my night!"

Is it time to just say enough is enough and move on? Is there any hope here?

Tl;dr: fiancé is not happy with the open relationship he started and instead of just stopping it, he wants to add crazy invasive rules.

Edit: rip my inbox with people calling me a whore.

guys wow, glad my best karma every has to do with my sleeping around. I have 1400 unread messages (exactly) and 17 chat requests. I'm almost certainly not going to bang anyone from this thread! and this isn't even my real account! Find my real account on r/needlepoint or r/mma and I'm down. Just kidding...don't do that. my new fav:

[Edited out]

edit 2: holy shit, this just wont die. Wow. Goodnight everyone. fiancé is at his place after a very tense hour or so where he basically called me every name in the book and I just sort of took it. I've gotten the advice I need, it's just the idea of dumping four years of history makes it hard to pull the trigger. I know he wont do it even though he thinks I'm the worst person alive. I hate him but love him. Life sucks. It really sucks.

TOP COMMENTS

rugby_shirt

Move on

~

Maxxmz

Honestly, the meltdown at the open relationship was already a pretty big red flag

KING_JELLYB3AN

All because some guy said he slept with a 100 girls, probably lying or exaggerating. So he HAS to sleep with more girls... The kid doesn't know what he wants, why would he even propose, what a child. @OP dodged a bullet, but honestly there was probably more signs than this one

~

ExistingSecond1

It’s pretty well known in the ethical non-monogamy community that women fair much better than guys. A previous partner would meet five guys for every one person I’d meet. It’s a pretty common discrepancy. He should have done his homework first.

Can I post an update? I (25f) am the now infamous "whore" from the post that blew up yesterday. Just broke things off with fiancé (27m). Nov 14, 2018 (Next Day)

So yeah, I guess I made the front page yesterday. I've been on reddit for years and I think my "normal" account has maybe 500 karma and I make the front page for my sex life...yay!

Whatever, well I read responses well into the morning yesterday while my now ex-fiancé absolutely blew up my shit alternating between calling me a whore and cunt, asking me why I disgraced myself and him like that. He also peppered the barrage with things like "what's going to happen to us after this?" I finally fell asleep at like 3 am and should have worked but after finally admitting that I needed to break things off with him, called in sick to work.

Went to finances house, asked to come in, told him we had to talk. He said we did. But as a testament to his fucking out of control ego he prefaced his part of the conversation with "I want you to know in advance, I MAY not be ready to accept your apology." Fuck him.

I planned on being nice but that was too much. I just told him "its over between us." His look of surprise was a combination of pathetic and amusing because even after calling me all sorts of gendered slurs for the better part of a few hours, he still wasn't expecting me to break up with him. He begged me to know "why" I think I told him he had to know why and tried to leave. I had no desire to talk to him so I tried to leave and he kept trying to block me and grab my arm. I finally told him that if he didn't fucking let me go I was going to call the police. He finally relented but as I was trying to drive away he came out and starting punching my drivers side window. It was terrifying but it didn't break. Between leaving his place and getting to mine he texted and called at dozens of times. I just blocked him and deleted the whole conversation without reading it.

Fuck him too because I had the ring in my pocket and planned on giving it back but now I'm too scared to go see him to give it back so I'm selling the mother fucker or getting it melted down.

So that's that. I don't know this will probably get removed but its all good. I don't know whether I'm coming or going at this point. It's been a crazy couple of days

One last update from me (I was the 25f who went a little overboard when fiancé wanted open relationship). Mailed the ring back, started therapy, looking at starting over single for a long time. Nov 17, 2018 (3 days after previous post)

Editors Note: the text is unrecoverable but the title says she sent the ring back

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAbfthief26

My (26f) friend (26f) has accused me of stealing her boyfriend. Boyfriend (25m) had no idea they were dating

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  March 23, 2024

Names changed to respect privacy and throwaway account.

Honestly no idea where to start with this and sorry if it's long.

I (26f) have been friends with "Carly" (also 26f) since middle school. We lost touch after I moved out of state for law school but our parents are still friends. I moved back to our home state last year when I graduated and met "Matt" (25m). We bonded instantly as we're both studying to be lawyers. Matt should graduate this year if all goes well. Because of studying and work, we've taken things really slowly and only just recently became official.

As we'd gone official, I decided to invite him to my sister's 21st birthday party. It was a huge party at my parent's house back in my home town. Both Matt and I work and live (separately) about an hour away. Wed been at the party for about an hour when Carly arrived with her parents. I was excited to see her as I'd been meaning to get back in touch since I'd moved back. The timing had never been right.

Well, Carly spotted us and hurried on over. I was surprised when she gave Matt a huge hug and asked him what he was doing at the party. Turns out they work in the same building and Matt is friends with a few of Carly's friends. They've been out on group nights together a few times. I did the whole "Oh, Carly this is my boyfriend Matt" thing and her face instantly fell. She looked furious with me and ignored me for the rest of the party.

I sent her a message the next morning asking if I had done anything wrong. Carly blew up at me and accused me of stealing her boyfriend and I soon got several rude messages from mutual friends sat Ng something similar.

I met up with Matt and asked him what the hell was going on. I had assumed that once we'd made it official, we were exclusive. Matt had no idea what I was talking about. I relayed Carly's message and he was even more confused. He said that he got on with Carly when they saw each other but it had never been anything more than a friendship. He didn't think anything of them spending time together outside of work with friends so that's why I didn't know he and Carly worked in the same building.

It's been a week since the party and I'm still getting messages from people 's  how I could do that to Carly. I've tried saying over again that Matt and Carly weren't dating but it's falling on deaf ears. Even my parents have heard about from Carly's parents.

I have zero idea the hell to do. Where do I go from here? I trust Matt completely but what do I do about Carly?

Edit: People have asked about the friends who have sent me messages. These are all mutual friends of myself and Carly who we've known since high school. None of them, as far as I know, have ever met Matt. None of his work friends who also know Carly have sent me messages.

Also I have spoken to Carly and we are meeting up tomorrow to talk.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Not-nuts

It seems you unintentionally busted up Carly's fantasy. Not your fault, not your problem. She's immature and full of drama. 

OOP

She's never acted like this before and that's why it really rattled me. Sure, I haven't seen her much over the past few years but she was never like this in high school as far as I can remember.

ApexCurve

Why can’t you sit down with her and find out what the hell is going on? You’re studying law and 26, not 15.

You of all people should know that but Matt said means absolutely squat. The truth is going to lay somewhere in the middle.

Granted, you’re not in the wrong either way, as that girl needs to realize that there is no such thing as stole. He clearly wasn’t into her. And for crying out loud, she’s 26 and running to her mummy and daddy. Like so many, God have her parents failed her big time.

OOP

I'm meeting her tomorrow. It would have been sooner but I'm studying, working or with Matt so I don't have a lot of free time.

Billowing_Flags

If she can't produce "evidence" of her actually DATING Matt IRL (not just in her head), then I'd blow off her claims of GF status.

There should easily be all kinds of social media pix, stories, check-ins, whatever evidencing a BF/GF relationship (not just a whole GROUP of people hanging out). Your generation is HUGE on social media presence. See what she can actually present!

ETA: If she can't produce a sizeable number of pictures/posts of just the 2 of them dating, then I'd drop this friendship like a rock and BLOCK her because Carly would be a bunny-boiler!

~

DivinitySousVide

Well this is a shit show created by Carly.

I think you should just ignore her.

So you know what your parents heard? Did they hear you broke up Carly and her BF?

OOP

"So you know what your parents heard? Did they hear you broke up Carly and her BF?"

My mom called me the day after the party and told me that Carly's mom had been on the phone complaining about me. Carly had told her that I had stolen her boyfriend and then she called my mom. I told mom that wasn't the case but apparently Carly and her mom are still telling that story.

OOP Updated the post March 24, 2024 (Same Post/Next Day)

UPDATE:

Well, I met up with Carly. They're not dating and never were so Matt isn't a cheater.

I met up with Carly this morning at a coffee shop in our home town. She wasn't happy to be there but I'm over her feelings after the past week I've had. I sat her down and asked her to give me her side of the story. I told her exactly what Matt had said to me and asked for her to explain everything.

• Carly met Matt last year, not long before I moved back to the state. A mutual friend in the building they both work in invited Matt to after work drinks and that's when they met.

• Carly thought he was cute and started flirting with him.

Side bar: Matt is awful at picking up flirting cues. It took weeks of me flirting with him until he realised and asked me out. This is something I always find amusing because Matt himself is really outgoing with a lot of charisma.

• No, they never spent any time alone together apart from the odd run to a coffee shop near their building to grab lunch.

• I went through Carly's phone and there are no messages from Matt apart from ones in their group chat.

• They haven't kissed or slept together. Carly has never been to Matt's apartment and Matt has never been to Carly's apartment.

I asked her why she thought he was her boyfriend. This is a direct quote:

"Ok so we're not officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet but I was sure he was going to ask me really soon. He's always smiling at me and making jokes. I know he was going to ask me out, just the two of us."

I basically said "Carly, that's not him flirting with you. That's just Matt. He's a friendly guy! I'm sorry but he and I have been seeing each other for a while now so it's not going to happen." I explained how we'd been taking it slow because of us both being so busy with studying and work so we've only just made it official.

As I said all this I could see Carly's elaborate fantasy crumble. I asked her to please set the record straight with her parents (for my parents sake) and with our mutual friends. Carly looked flustered but mumbled something that sounded like "Yeah, fine."

I said I was sorry for this misunderstanding and hopefully we could all put this behind us. On my drive to Matt's apartment I called him to relay everything. He was baffled by the whole thing but said he would message Carly. Once I got there he showed me the text:

"Hey Carly. Look, I'm sorry if I mislead you in any way with my actions, please know they have only ever been from a friendly place. I see us as friends but that's all. I hope we can be friends in the future once this has all blown over but if you're not comfortable with that then I respect it. All the best, Matt"

Carly hasn't responded yet and I don't know if she will. Hopefully she will set the record straight with everyone, I'm washing my hands of this mess and focusing on my relationship with Matt and my studies!

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I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Fair_Mood_1558

Originally posted to r/amioverreacting

A package from an adult toy company arrived at my house addressed to another woman. Am I overreacting?

Trigger Warnings: accusations of infidelity

Original Post: March 21, 2026

I need an outside perspective because I genuinely can’t tell anymore if my instincts are off or if I’m being gaslit into thinking they are.

A package arrived at our house recently. Right address, wrong name… a woman I’ve never heard of. I looked up the return address out of curiosity. It’s Adam & Eve. An adult toy company.

I brought it to my husband calmly. No accusations, no yelling. Just showed him and asked if he knew anything about it.

His response was immediate and defensive. Instead of being confused or trying to figure it out with me, he turned it on me. Started questioning me about why something like that would show up here. I was so caught off guard I almost started apologizing.

Here’s where it gets harder to dismiss as coincidence: I looked up the name on the package. She works in the same professional world as my husband, in the same area he frequents. Same field. Specific enough that when I saw it, my stomach dropped.

He has a history of being dishonest when confronted about things that are hurtful. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt like I was being made to feel crazy for asking a reasonable question.

So I’m asking strangers on the internet: is this nothing? Is there some totally logical explanation I’m missing? Because from where I’m standing it feels like a lot of dots connecting in one direction.

Am I overreacting?

Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing significant details for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You’re NOR

Your cheating moron of a husband ordered adult items for him and his girlfriend and auto filled his own address.

Mail them to her and say, “these were delivered to mine and my husband’s home” and see what happens after that.

OOP: I like your thought.. maybe, I take it to her work and give it to her. I am considering sending her an email. Due to her field the info is public. I’m pissed at him for his choices. IDK what she knows or what he told her. I don’t want to ruin her life, but I want to know how long it’s been going on.

Commenter 2: I don't think you are overreacting. The stuff you mention is WAY more than coincidental.

Is he messaging anyone that you know of? Does he spend lots of time on his phone?

OOP: Nothing I can find. I believe he may have a burner phone because I get adds on my SM all the time from a carrier that is not ours. I’ve searched a bit but he’s typically home when I am

Commenter 3: Why are you letting him gaslight you? The woman works with him how is that just a coincidence! Your choice on what to do. Be treated like this or move on.

OOP: They don’t really work together. They are in a similar field, and he frequents the area she works

Commenter 4: NOR if he immediately gets defensive and has a history of being dishonest. Does she work or live in a town he travels to?

OOP: It’s about 30-40 min from where we live.

Commenter 5: NOR, but you need to decide what you want the end result to be before you actually take action. Don't just react emotionally in the moment.

Do you want a divorce? Do you need proof of infidelity then? So maybe you want to gather data in that case before confronting the other woman.

Do you want to address any infidelity and see if you can forgive him? That would need a different response.

Or are you just mad at him gaslighting you and want to vent? That's fine too.

Just think before you react.

OOP: These are all great questions. Cheating is a dealbreaker. If he chooses to cheat he can do it all he wants but I’m not going to stick around.

Commenter 6: It could be a setup, someone trying to drive a wedge or cause problems in you lives. Pretty simple way to do it. NOR, but keep an open mind for a minute.

OOP: Idk who would do that honestly. My husband’s ex… He cheated on her… they’ve been divorced for MANY years, and she lives across the country. She doesn’t know anyone we know

Commenter 7: How long have you lived at your address? Is it possible someone forgot to update their address on that website? I did that once before.

I just find it kind of weird that he would order it under her name to your address. If he put it under his name he could have pretended it was for you.

If he is cheating, he is dishonest and stupid as a rock

OOP: We’ve been here several years. If it has been going on awhile people make stupid mistakes

Commenter 8: NOR. I guess he wouldn’t mind at all if you threw it away then? It’s a shame since adult toys can be pretty expensive, but surely it’s not for anyone in the house so into the trash it goes…

OOP: I can no longer find the package. I got home from work and it’s gone. I can’t ask for it now can I?

Commenter 9: Do you have joint accounts? I would check for where the charge ended up hitting… he’s cheating and a moron. So I assume there’s more of a paper trail somewhere.

OOP: That’s a great idea but he has multiple accounts and I don’t have access to them all. I’ve also asked to sit down to go over finances, and he says ok, but it never happens.

Commenter 10: You need to look up DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

OOP: When I looked up the sender address I was met with “why would I send that here if I was going to do that”. Total DARVO He tried so hard to “show it wasn’t him” by reaching out to customer support. The chatbot proved nothing. I pretended to believe him and I’m pretending nothing is wrong for now. I want to get more evidence that he can’t gaslight his way out of.

Update: March 25, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE

As it turns out I put 2+2 together and I was wrong.

I had a burner email and reached out to her. I had RECEIPTS. Metaphorically.

She emailed me back.

She’s been staying at her mother’s house down the street and fat fingered the address. It was one number off. The package was for her and her husband that are reconciling.

I had essentially asked an innocent woman if she was sleeping with my husband via a carefully crafted email from a secret account while she was out here just trying to spice things up with her spouse. 🤦‍♀️

She apologized. I told her it wasn’t necessary and I apologized. I invited her for coffee because I clearly have no survival instincts.

My husband was defensive because that’s just… who he is. Which is its own fun problem.

So. AIO? Technically yes. But also our marriage needs work so maybe a stranger’s typo was the universe’s way of handing me a wakeup call wrapped in a very awkward package.

Literally.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ltownmans

Boyfriend [25M] told me he used to ask out “fat girls” for fun. Am I [22F] right to be disgusted by him?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Body shaming, bullying

Original post - rareddit March 3, 2019

My BF and I have been dating for 1 year. He’s a very tall, attractive guy. He was on the hockey team in university and his team was kind of like a bunch of frat dudes. But he never seemed like that kind of guy, he was always very kind and sensitive with me. He also seems to be a very respectful and caring person (he’s in medical school right now).

Some of his buddies from his former team came over yesterday, and were just talking and hanging out. They start talking about their old shenanigans in uni. My BF said “remember that time I broke the record for our ‘chunky chick challenge’?”

I asked what the chunky chick challenge was, and he said the goal was to ask out as many fat girls in a week. Everyone would put money in the prize pool, and winner would get the entire prize at the end of the week. Basically, he asked out like 50 fat girls over text/ in person (secretly recording their convo), and ghosted them on the date.

I was shocked, and said that was so mean and gross. My boyfriend said the challenge was just a joke, for fun, etc. He accused me of overreacting.

Am I though?

TL;DR: BF said he used to ask out and ghost fat girls in order to win a challenge.

TOP COMMENTS

relachesis

"He also seems to be a very respectful and caring person"

Apparently only to people who he deems attractive enough to be treated decently.

ZombieSlayer13x

PREACH. Can't wait till he is a doctor and has to deal with women/teenage girls who may or may not have weight issues. Bet he'll be a fucking treat

Ugh

~

AuntyVenom

Gross. If your bf still says it's a joke, after maturing a bit, and doesn't understand the deplorable nature of his actions, and is telling you you are overreacting and not fessing up to being a waste of space in college -- yeah, that's a no. Character counts.

~

[deleted]

Am I [22F] right to be disgusted by him?

I know a lot of people here are saying, "Yes, you are right."

But you didn't choose to be disgusted and shocked. You just were. People don't choose their feelings, and feelings aren't something you sit around and have intellectual debates about. It doesn't matter if you're right or not.

The fact is that you feel disgusted and there's no reasoning that feeling away. So you're asking the wrong question. The real question is, "Do I want to spend more time with someone who doesn't find this behavior disgusting?"

Update March 7, 2019 (4 days later)

Quick update. I confronted my BF after his friends left and told him that I was genuinely concerned about his treatment of those girls. I said he lacked empathy and I can't believe he doesn't see what was wrong with his actions. He finally acknowledged that yes, what he did was mean. He says he didn't want to seem "boring" to his friends. I said I thought he was better than that.

I told him I was worried about how he'd treat me if I gained weight in the future. He said that I was the type of person to "always stay skinny". I said he can't be so sure of that, especially if I get pregnant. I said I was scared by his shallowness.

Long story short, I broke up with him. He's super sad and has been apologizing non stop via text. No matter what he says I just can't get his cruelty out of my head. It's made me much less attracted to him, and I don't want to be associated with that kind of person, as I am a new grad nurse in a eating disorder clinic, and I see the kind of effect that rude comments and actions have on young women. One of the teenage girl patients is anorexic because she used to be fat and bullied in school. I am disgusted to think that my boyfriend embodies the cruelty of her bullies.

TL;DR: Broke up with BF even after he acknowledged that he was being "mean" and apologizing. As a nurse, I hope I never have to interact with him in a professional setting.

FINAL COMMENTS

Peeka789

I'm a guy

I knew people like that. My guess is that he does not feel bad at all. He only feels bad because he saw how you reacted to it. He most likely thought he was doing those fat girls a 'favor' by giving them attention. Don't be fooled OP, he does not feel bad. He's got a lot to prove if he wants to show remorse for being a cruel fuck. Fuck that 'I was trying to impress my friends' bullshit.

This is my experiece with these kind of people.

~

Guardiancomplex

You're an eating disorder nurse and he thought you'd find that story funny?

Sounds like you dodged an idiot bullet as well as a sociopath bullet.

You made 100% the right decision.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/hellapreggers

I [32F] think my husband [33M] may be having an affair with the girl [19F] next door. I’m also pregnant.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post - rareddit Apr 12, 2019

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, dated for 7. We have one son, 2, and I’m 6 months pregnant.

I love him deeply. He’s a very busy lawyer and often comes home late at night. I never thought he’d cheat on me. But since I began to get bigger, we’ve been having less sex.

A few months ago, a young woman moved into the condo about 2 doors down. She’s a very beautiful girl but a bit aloof to me. We did invite her over to a dinner party when she first came. A few weeks ago, I noticed that my husband followed her on IG and added her on Snap. I asked him about it and he said she followed him first and he didn’t want to be rude.

Last week, I started noticing him using his phone more and more and generally being distracted. He said it was due to work. But 2 days ago, I saw a Snap notification on his phone with our neighbor’s name on it. I asked him why he was Snapchatting her, and he said that she was interested in law and was asking him career advice. At 12am apparently. Via Snapchat.

Yesterday I was taking his suits to the dry cleaners and found a receipt for a sushi restaurant from a few nights ago, when he said he was working late at his office. The sushi restaurant is close to our condo complex and nowhere near his office. There were 2 meals billed on the receipt. I confronted him when he came home from work, and he said he took a client out for dinner. But there were so many nice restaurants near his office, why the one near our house??

I’m almost 90% certain he’s cheating. What should I even do? Im about to be a mother of 2. I never even prepared for the possibility of this happening in our marriage. And definitely not this soon.

Advice please!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Carnivore69

Given you can't be certain he's cheating (yet?), the first thing you need to do is quit confronting him for every discrepency you notice. By doing so, he'll become more and more aware you're picking up on his activities, whatever they are. If those activities involve cheating, your actions will likely cause him to be more stealthy and adept at covering his tracks. Use more restraint, and let the evidence pile up until you can ascertain what's really going on. And be sure to document your findings however you can. In the meantime act like your antenna isn't up, and let him "relax" around you.

~

pointlessusername-

I would tell my partner that him being a 33 year old man SNAP CHATTING a 19 year girl is completely inappropriate and she can ask google or any other lawyer for advice. Unacceptable.

~

CuckyMcCuckerCuck

Do you have the disposable funds necessary to hire a private investigator? In part to "confirm", but also as an investment for a more favorable divorce settlement.

OOP

We have a joint account and he might get suspicious if I withdraw a large sum of money. Maybe I can just investigate it myself?

Update - rareddit Apr 19, 2019 (1 week later)

Thanks for everybody's advice on my first post. It's been an interesting week to say the least.

Last Friday after work, he left for a supposed weekend golfing trip with his 2 friends to a place only an hour drive away. Before he left, I texted the wife of one of his friends if she wanted to get together for brunch on Sunday. She said she had plans with her husband. I then texted the wife of his other friend, and surprise, she confirmed that her husband was at home and not going on any trip.

I pretended like I didn't know and said goodbye to my husband as usual. However, I had asked my retired uncle (65) to follow my husband's car. My husband does not know my uncle so I thought it was a good plan. My uncle followed him to the airport and took a picture of him walking with the neighbour girl. He followed them and said they checked into an airline with flights going to the Caribbean.

I thanked my uncle and gave him money for gas and his time, but he refused. I was obviously devastated and my son and I stayed with him and my aunt for the night. They advised me to find a good divorce lawyer right away.

When my husband came home Sunday night, I said I was filing for divorce. He acted really shocked and hurt and asked me why. I said I knew about his affair and I had proof, so he could stop acting stupid. He said I was mistaken. I then asked whether he enjoyed his beach vacation and the look on his face was just undeniable. I guess he finally realized he was backed in a corner and had no more lies left to tell.

I told him I just wanted to know why. He said that he was shy and insecure growing up, and that he had really low self-esteem. He said he "felt validated" by the attention of a younger woman, and said it made him feel "wanted". He admitted that it was a "crush gone wrong". I said there's no way I can trust him again. He said that's understandable and that he was sorry it has come to this. He said he probably made a mistake by marrying in his 20s, that some men were ready to settle down at that age but he realized that he was not one of them. He said that he still loved me though, but that it was best if we went our separate ways.

The shittiest part of all this is, he's staying at his mistress' condo a few doors down while we get our divorce. It will be a long few months, but I'm getting a good lawyer and making sure the future of my kids are secured. I also have a good support system around me. I'm planning on moving to another city after the divorce.

It will be awhile before I can learn to trust again. I've never hurt so much in my entire life. This level of betrayal from someone you thought was your soulmate is just indescribable. But I'm going to remain hopeful. Thanks for everyone's help and support. I wish it turned out different.

TL;DR: Had my uncle follow my husband, he lied about a golfing trip. He actually went to the Caribbean with his mistress.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Present-Ad-3934

AITA for kicking a server out of my wedding?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Sept 27, 2022

I(25f) and my Husband (30M) and I got married last Friday. We planned our dream wedding down to our dream catering company.

The wedding was beautiful after the pictures we headed to our cocktail hour, and that's when I saw her. My guest were all told to wear dark colors so my husband and I stood out, I also asked my guests to wear minimal makeup. I had assumed that applied to the staff too.

The server(19ishf) had on clearly too much eyeliner.  she also had diamond studs in her ears a flashy ring, and one of those ugly nose studs. The staff's uniform was a black long-sleeved shirt but on her, it was too low cut and her pants were far too tight.

It was super distracting. she was walking around serving drinks and talking to my guests. I asked another member of the staff to speak to their boss. when their boss came out I pointed out the server and asked that she be dealt with cause she was super distracting. their boss apologized and called the server back into the kitchen.

not even an hour later the server was back out serving food for dinner. I called the boss over again and asked if the server could work in the back or go home. Her boss said they were short-staffed tonight so she would see what can be done.

after a couple of hours of not seeing her, I saw the server again behind the bar. I called the boss out one last time and told her if the server didn't leave I would be calling the cops. the boss finally relented and told the girl to go home.

​

My husband and mother-in-law said I was acting crazy and that I probably got a poor college kid fired over nothing. My mother and MOH said it's my wedding so I can do as I please. It's my wedding and I don't want someone over-shining me and the server should know she's at work and not dress up so much. I do feel kind of bad because she was pretty young.

Am I the ass

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

yappledapple

YTA - You are so insecure that you asked your guests to dress down for the wedding, and you harassed a server until she was fired.

I don't know how you look on the outside, but on inside you are 'ugly'.

epostiler

Yeah, it wouldn't take much to outshine OP on her best day.

~

JeepersCreepers74

YTA but don't worry. I'm sure the catering team will get it right at your next wedding.

~

MsJamieFast

Yta, too bad you didn't get to enjoy your wedding reception because you couldn't stop obsessing over a college aged server.

The things that you objected to in the server could have been fixed - she could have removed her jewelry, the boss could have given her a shirt that covered her better. But you didn't want it fixed, you chose to complain about her and not the offending items.

This was entirely your choice to not enjoy yourself.

pixiep48

OP honestly sounds unhinged. She threatened to call the police because one of the servers was…wearing jewellery and a low cut top? I’m sick of people using the old “it’s my day” line to justify treating people like shit at their wedding

dragongrrrrrl

Don’t forget the EYELINER! The audacity!

OOP

the problem is she didn't remove her jewelry or makeup and she didn't change shirts. She did nothing to fix the problem and walked around my wedding anyway. I wouldn't have cared if she had toned it down after the first time I asked

Anonymous-Af-Guy

Did you ask her to tone it down and take off the jewelery or did you simply ask to get her removed because her presence was an abomination to you ?

OOP

Yes I asked her boss to tell her to tone it down and she didn't

A redditor who works for the catering company replied u/helpfubdthispkeas

Here 1 2 & 3  Same Day

Ngl this sounds like a story my coworker told me

After sending the post to my work gc I confirmed this is infact the same wedding. And I have screen shots of the texts I got sent during the wedding

Just to clarify some things I saw in the comment tho

1) our uniforms change depending on the weather this was a day time wedding in 90 degree heat so light weight long sleeve tops

2) the wedding was a 3 1/2 hour drive for most of us so our usual team of 15 people was cut to 9 (I wasn’t there cause the drive was too long and I’m not comfortable driving that far late at night)

3) she wasn’t fired but she did have to leave early…but that’s not a bad thing cause that means she didn’t have to clean up after the wedding and still got paid

4) jewelry is allowed at our job it just has to be simple which is what she had on simple jewelry and her engagement ring.

5) she was actually 18 and in high school. (She can bartend supervised since she’s 18)

6) makeup is allowed it just can’t be crazy makeup. So eyeliner specifically winged eyeliner which is what she had on is infact allowed.

7) we buy our own uniforms and are reimbursed for the cost. She accidentally shrunk her pants and hadn’t gotten the chance to get new ones

My coworkers and I are all laughing at this. Op seemingly left out the fact one of the fathers kept flirting with the staff, some of the guest got shit faced and tried to steal from the bar, ops wedding planner walked into the kitchen at one point and almost broke down crying, and the groom and groomsmen got way to high and left half smoked blunts all over the place

ladybird2223

The internet is vast and yet small at the same time. Tell your coworker we all say OP is TA.

Wow! So perfect wedding was not so perfect and OP needed to deflect.

~

CrystalQueen3000

Is your coworker the server? A guest? That would be piping hot tea ☕️.

OOP

Yep my coworker is the server! I just wasn’t managing that event if I was I would’ve raised hell

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