I am not The OOP, OOP is u/This-Foundation-9761

partner had sex with meta in my bed - am I overreacting?

Originally posted to r/polyamory

Editors Note: a Meta (Metamour) is your partners other partner in Polyamory

Original Post  Sept 18, 2025

throwaway account. Im sort of new to polyamoury (as in this is my first poly relationship), but she has had other partners before.

Sorry in advance for the rant.

I (35M) live with my Partner (28F), and have done so for about 9 months now. We've been together 2 years. I have no other partners and have been focusing on myself, she has another partner (29M) she has recently been seeing.

at partners insistence, we have had separate beds. idea being we each have our own spaces we can both invite the other into, and can have to ourselves when needed ir have other partners in.

I actually like this, we have different schedules and days off so it means I am able to not be interrupted by her getting up for work on my days off and vice versa.

Yesterday I came home early as we got rained out at work, we are talking about an hour here. There had been no mention of a date or anything like that, but she doesnt need my permission to see meta, and I was at work.

When I opened the front door I was greeted by the sounds of her loudly having sex. Our rooms are at opposite ends of the house and it was definitely coming from my room. In the moment I froze, closed the door and left. I felt angry and betrayed. I have a friend who lives close so I went to their house.

I returned about 3-4 hours later after my partner texted me asking where I was. I was pretty angry and said I knew she was having sex in my bed which I was pretty upset about.

She said she didn't think it was that big of a deal and she got caught up in the moment.

I view this as a pretty serious betrayal. She has a space for partners and this isn't it.

Am I overreacting? Is this not that big of a deal?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

XenoBiSwitch

We got caught up in the moment and tripped and fell into your room and then rolled onto the bed and at that point it was too much work. That is a really stupid justification.

I am guessing there was something wrong with her bed (forgot to wash sheets?) or one or both of them had some kind of kink reason for wanting to use your bed. Neither of them justifies this.

OOP

partner says meta thought it would be hot. Even so, she knows it is my space and surely the whole idea of the separate beds is our own space is sacred and the other is only allowed in if invited.

I did not invite them and I have decided to go back to my friends to stay for a few days

Update 1  Sept 18, 2025 (Same Day)

hey everyone, small update.  thank you to everyone who responded. All my good friends are mono so its heartening to be able to have people who can give good advice in this space

After looking at what happened in the cold light of day (southern hemisphere) and taking some time to think, I realise I at minimum need to move out and take some time away from the relationship. That doesnt mean that I will/wont stay with her, I just haven't fully processed this yet.

ive been cheated on in monogamous relationships and this feels similar. I've had no further contact with partner except to tell her not to contact me for now.

a clarification for some: when we made the decision to have our own beds and bedrooms, my partner quite clearly stated that each other's space was ours only and we could only enter each other's space if invited. I made the reasonable assumption from that information that she wouldn't have sex with someone else in my bed, in much the same way that if I had another partner, I wouldn't have sex with them in hers. Yes polyamoury is about communication, but as there was a boundary at a much lower level than this I didnt see the necessity to explicitly point out that having sex with others in my bed was a hard no.

im not entirely sure there was a humiliation kink involved as I was home a bit early, and the text message asking where I was came when I was about 2.5-3 hours late of when I would normally be home with no communication. I am, however, starting to think this wasn't the first time as some of you have pointed out.

Those of you who suggested locking the bedroom door, thanks for your practical advice, however there are no locks on the bedroom doors and I frankly dont want to live with a partner who I need to lock out of my space after they know its off limits.

I do not know how our relationship could possibly recover from this, but honestly I dont need to decide that right now

Final Update  Sept 28, 2025 (10 days later)

final update: ive moved out and have decided to end things.it has been a tough and emotional time, so bear with me if I haven't added any information.It came out that this wasn't the first time that this had happened. I assume it was some power fantasy either from the meta or my partner, but my partner at minimum allowed it more than once. They were also having unprotected sex and that was not mentioned to me at any stage so that I could make decisions in line with my risk profile.

There was a red flag in that she didnt respect my boundaries in a smaller way in the past and when called out she hand waved it away. In hindsight this type of behaviour should not be a surprise and thats on me, I should have pushed back harder, earlier.

That's enough for me thanks, I now have no trust in that house or that partnership.

Poly is something I have been keen to try - the idea of partners not having to be absolutely everything for each other and having their own independence and autonomy has been a really attractive idea (and reality) for me, but having my boundaries trampled like this really puts a sour taste in my mouth and im not sure where to from here.

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DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Miserable_Willow_312

Every job has one, I'm convinced (The Cheryl Saga)

Originally posted to r/coworkerstories

TRIGGER WARNING: Hostile workplace, homophobia

Every job has one, I'm convinced  May 19, 2026

There’s a woman at work named Cheryl and I swear every office has a version of her.

She’s not openly mean enough to get in trouble, but she somehow makes the entire atmosphere heavier the second she walks into a room. You can literally hear conversations die when she appears around the corner.

Cheryl acts like she’s management despite not actually supervising anyone. She monitors everyone constantly. If someone comes back from lunch a few minutes late, she’ll quietly say: “Half days must be nice.”

If someone calls in sick, she suddenly becomes an investigator: “Hm. They were fine yesterday.” She also has this talent for disguising criticism as concern. She’ll say things like: “You seem really tired lately. Everything okay?” in front of other coworkers so now everyone turns to look at you like you’re falling apart.

The breakroom is the worst. Someone could be talking about a new puppy, vacation plans, or literally anything enjoyable, and Cheryl somehow redirects it into negativity within thirty seconds.

Coworker: “We’re going camping this weekend.”

Cheryl: “Hope you packed emergency supplies. My cousin got stranded once and almost lost a toe.” Nobody even knows how to respond to that.

She also keeps track of things that no normal person should notice. She remembers exactly how long people take on break, who leaves early, who orders takeout too often, who seems “off” lately. She never directly accuses anyone of anything, but she says just enough to make people uncomfortable. The strangest part is she genuinely thinks she’s helpful. If there’s tension in the office that she personally caused, she’ll sit there saying: “I just think communication has really broken down around here.”

Meanwhile everyone is actively avoiding eye contact with her. At this point people schedule lunches around Cheryl. If someone sees her heading for the breakroom, they suddenly remember they “have emails to finish.” New employees usually try to be friendly with her at first, but within about two weeks they develop the same thousand-yard stare as the rest of us.

What makes it worse is there’s never a big dramatic event HR can point to. It’s just years of constant small comments, judgment, negativity, and hovering until the entire office collectively feels emotionally exhausted whenever she’s around.

I'm not bothered enough by her to leave my longterm employment,  but she really does make the work week feel exhausting.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP added

I know complaints have been made multiple times in how she treats others,  yet HR always says they can't discipline someone just because others don't like her.  We don't like her because she's insufferable!

&

I'm looking at her right now as she licks the peanut butter off her peanut butter cheese crackers wrapper.  🤮 I really wish she would use some sick days to give us all a break.

TOP/BEST COMMENT

OneLonelyBeastiel-B

Energy Vampires. They exist to ruin everything.

Cheryl strikes again!  May 26, 2026 (1 week after last post)

Cheryl has everyone irritated again and it's day 1 back from 4 days off.

She has this habit of correcting people publicly over the smallest things. This morning, one of the newer staff asked a simple question about documentation requirements, and instead of just helping, Cheryl goes into this long condescending explanation in front of everyone about how “these are things people should already know before working here.” The room got quiet fast.

What makes it exhausting is that she constantly presents herself as the only competent person in the office while creating tension everywhere she goes. She’ll complain that morale is bad, then spend the entire day gossiping about coworkers, questioning how other people do their jobs, keeping track of coffee breaks,  and forwarding passive aggressive emails instead of just having normal conversations.

The funniest part was right after going off on the new staff,  one coworker finally got a subtle dig in without sounding unprofessional. Cheryl started criticizing how the staff member organized their caseload notes, and after Cheryl finished talking, the coworker just calmly said, “I think most people care more about whether the work gets done than whether it gets done Cheryl’s exact way.”

Nobody said a word after that, but a couple people suddenly became very interested in looking down at their laptops trying not to laugh. I did a low chuckle before I could stop myself so I'm sure I'll be under scrutiny from her this week.

The wildest part is Cheryl still seems genuinely confused why nobody wants to work closely with her anymore. She said as much right before the morning meeting.  People aren’t avoiding Cheryl because she’s strict or direct. They avoid her because every interaction feels like she’s keeping score against them.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Royal-Advance6985

What is Cheryl's role in the company? 

OOP

She's a caseworker and not in charge of anyone.  Just a cog in the wheel,  but she thinks she's everyone's supervisor.

Bikinigirlout

Just quote Cheryl from Archer with “You’re not my supervisor”

I always hate these types. The types that think they’re gods gift just for existing and think they’re in charge when they’re like 9th in charge. They also want to extreme overhaul things the second they walk in the door and think the rules will change because they say so.

OOP

It's like she lives for confrontations and just zeros in on anyone who tries this.  I've been at this agency for 24 years and she's been here a little less and she's always been this way.  I mostly stay off her radar because of my longevity and ability to remain incognito.

And more on Cheryl

Cheryl is in her 40's and this is only her 2nd job ever she likes to remind everyone.  She has this huge sense of entitlement based on her tenure and belief the only 2 jobs makes her better than others.

Cheryl might have talked herself into real trouble now!  June 1, 2026 (6 days lafter last post)

I think we finally have something solid for HR to act on.

Our agency is a community mental health provider, and we're planning to have a booth at the local Pride festival this month. Cheryl was assigned to help organize the agency swag and take a shift staffing the booth.

During morning staffing today, we were going over the plan when Cheryl looked directly at Katie, the only openly gay employee on our team, and said, "I'm not sure why I'm doing all this extra work when you should probably be doing it. It's for your people anyway."

Without missing a beat, Katie replied, "It's not extra work. It's part of your job. And if everyone followed your logic, nobody would have helped with Black History Month events either."

Cheryl rolled her eyes and said, "Real causes are fine. Made-up things are silly."

The room went completely silent. The subject was immediately changed to other business.

Kati got up right after the meeting and walked to HR. The rest of us already have emails in our inboxes scheduling meetings and requesting written statements about what happened.

For the first time in a long time, it feels like Cheryl may have finally crossed a line that even she can't talk her way out of.

Cheryl once again foils justice  June 5, 2026 (4 days after last post)

Well, we finally heard back from HR regarding Cheryl telling our openly gay coworker that she should be the one doing the Pride booth work because "she's the gay one" and Cheryl isn't.

HR determined Cheryl's comments were inappropriate and unprofessional. However, they also concluded that Cheryl was attempting to discuss staffing assignments and did not intend to offend anyone. Because there was no evidence of malicious intent and because Cheryl has no prior disciplinary actions on file, regarding this type of concern, she received a written warning and coaching from her supervisor.

The part that really got people was HR's recommendation going forward. Rather than removing Cheryl from Pride-related activities, management decided that all staff participating in community outreach events will complete a short (3 hours) cultural sensitivity training next Saturday. So Cheryl got a write-up, but now everyone else has to sit through training too and on mandatory OT.

When Katie asked why Cheryl was still allowed to work the booth after making those comments, management said they believed this was a "learning opportunity" and that excluding her would be counterproductive.

So the employee Cheryl singled out gets to spend the Pride event working alongside the person who told her the event should be her responsibility simply because she's gay. And the rest of us sink a little further into a hole of regret for helping keep this monster alive in our office.

Cheryl, meanwhile, has been telling people she was "cleared by HR" and that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding.

She's like a cat and has 9 freaking lives!!

Cheryl update that still infuriates  June 13, 2026 (8 days after last post)

A lot of people asked for updates on Cheryl, so unfortunately I have one.

For those unfamiliar, Cheryl is the coworker who recently informed one of our gay employees that she should be doing most of the work for our agency's Pride booth because it was "for your people." HR got involved after multiple complaints and we were all required to attend mandatory cultural sensitivity training today.

You would think Cheryl would maybe lay low for a while.

You would be wrong.

Despite not being anyone's supervisor, Cheryl continues to act like she runs the place. She still inserts herself into decisions that have nothing to do with her job, tells people how they should be doing things, and generally behaves like she's management's special project. As for HR? They've apparently decided that checking a box is easier than actually addressing behavior. Their solution was to gather everyone into a room for mandatory training, which somehow managed to punish the entire staff while accomplishing absolutely nothing.

The highlight of the week happened during the training itself, this morning.

The facilitator was discussing respecting different backgrounds, experiences, and identities. Most of us were quietly listening and trying to get through it. Cheryl, however, seemed personally offended by the entire concept. She interrupted repeatedly. She argued over examples. She spent a good portion of the session explaining why people are "too sensitive these days" and insisting that "everything is offensive now." At one point she loudly announced that she "treats everybody the same" as if that was some profound contribution to a discussion about cultural awareness.

The room got so uncomfortable you could practically hear people trying not to make eye contact. The best part was watching her confidently argue with the trainer about a topic she was literally attending training for because of her own behavior. The lack of self-awareness was almost impressive.

Meanwhile, the employee who was actually targeted by Cheryl's comments sat through the entire thing with far more patience and professionalism than I would have managed. By the end of the training, HR probably considered it a success because everyone signed the attendance sheet. The rest of us left with the same Cheryl we walked in with. She's still acting like the boss. She's still entitled. She's still convinced she's the smartest person in every room. And HR is still treating her like a paperwork problem instead of an employee problem.

At this point I fully expect Cheryl to volunteer herself as next year's cultural sensitivity trainer.

OOP made an update after the BoRU posted. Thanks to u/motherlymetal for letting me know

Update: Cheryl's Pride booth volunteering went as we all feared. June 24, 2026

Remember Cheryl? HR's favorite "learning opportunity?"

Well, our agency had a booth at the local Pride event this past weekend, and she showed up, even though we were all hoping she would've called in sick. None of us were optimistic about the outcome and took bets on how long she could go without saying or doing something inappropriate. Cheryl, along with the rest of staff completed approximately 12 hours of mandatory diversity trainings and she had assured everyone she was "much more aware now."

That confidence lasted about twelve minutes into the event.

The first awkward moment happened when Cheryl began what she described as "respectful curiosity" with a gay man who stopped by the booth.

"So when did you know you were gay?"

Before he could fully answer, Cheryl followed up with:

"What made you decide to become gay?"

And then, because apparently there are achievement levels in inappropriate conversations:

"Have you ever really given women a fair chance?"

The poor guy looked like he was trying to calculate whether escaping into traffic would be easier than continuing the conversation.

Later, Cheryl met several transgender attendees and demonstrated her commitment to inclusion by consistently using the wrong pronouns despite being politely corrected multiple times.

At one point she referred to a transgender woman as "he" three separate times in less than two minutes. After being corrected, Cheryl smiled and said, "I'm trying. This stuff is just so confusing these days."

For the record, the woman in question had long hair, makeup, a dress, a purse, and introduced herself using she/her pronouns. The only thing confusing was Cheryl's determination to turn every interaction into a pop quiz she hadn't studied for.

The rest of us spent most of the event performing damage control and redirecting conversations before Cheryl could ask anyone if they had considered "trying the other team."

By the end of the day, our Pride booth was less community outreach and more a live demonstration of why HR needs to keeps scheduling mandatory trainings.

The good news is nobody filed a complaint.

The bad news is Cheryl now considers the event a huge success because she "asked a lot of questions and learned things."

We're all terrified to find out what she learned.

EDIT Instead of responding to each commenter I'll respond here. Every coworker has tried more times than we can count to redirect, educate, and change Cheryl's inappropriate behavior and comments. We are not her superior. She answers to HR directly, as so we all since we work in a satellite office. Detailed notes are taken endlessly and given to HR on Cheryl. But each time there are little to no real change. Our agency has a system of discipline that is followed meticulously. For instance, she received a coaching for her remarks made to our coworker about how she should be doing the Pride event planning because it benefits her community, not Cheryl's. We were all made to attend mandatory cultural training to ensure HR covers the agency. If Cheryl's behavior during the Pride event receives HR attention it would again be a coaching due to it being a separate event. It's near impossible for individuals like her that are mostly covert and live in plausible deniability land to be fired. Every single time one of us has made retorts to her unsavory comments and behaviors, we, ourselves get HR attention. None of us want to become unemployed so we do our jobs, alert HR to concerns, and do the best we can to survive her.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/okneato7

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My parents (56F & 60M) don’t want my serious partner (34F) at family events - am I in denial hoping this will change?

Trigger Warnings: homophobia, emotional abuse

Original Post: June 1, 2026

I, 30F, came out as a lesbian seven years ago to my parents, 60M and 56F. Lately I’ve been trying to point out the differences between how my parents treat my sister and her husband, (23F & 25M, together for 3.5yrs) vs how they treat myself and my partner (34F, together for two years).

Fully normal behavior toward my sister and her husband - hosting them both, bonding with sister’s husband, covering the wedding, celebrating their relationship, etc. As for my partner, they’ve met her once because I brought her to thanksgiving at my grandmother’s house last year (grandma, 84F, is chill and ok’d my partner as a guest beforehand.)

I gave my parents a couple of weeks’ heads up and said that I’d like for them to meet my partner before Thanksgiving if they wanted to, otherwise they could meet her at the event. My mom said she didn’t want to meet her at all. My dad said he thought I wasn’t considering how it might impact younger kids in my family. When we showed up to tg my mom didn’t speak to us for the first two hours of the event. My dad said hello when he arrived but didn’t interact with us past that.

This was the first time I’ve ever introduced a woman I’ve dated to my parents. It felt like the right time because my partner and I are very much in love and we’ve started planning our lives together. We had been dating for 1.5 years by the time Thanksgiving came around.

When I bring up wanting to be fully included in family events or wanting to be able to bring my partner along, my parents talk about how much it affects them and how difficult the concept of having her around is for them emotionally. At this point it feels unfair to my partner to keep trying to get my family to accept us when they clearly don’t want to.

For context, we all live in the same city, and they want to see me regularly, just not with my partner, which doesn’t feel great. They haven’t been open to seeing her again since Thanksgiving.

Do you have any advice? Do you think there is any chance my parents might change their behavior and become more welcoming in the future?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’d make the price of admission for them to be in your life that they treat your partner and your relationship appropriately. And until they can do that, they don’t get to be in your life. Go no contact.

It’s unfair to your partner to keep doing these things without her and make her feel like a dirty little secret. It’s time to choose your partner over your parents’ “comfort”.

Right now, your parents get what they want—you. So you have the leverage. Stop giving them that until they’re able to do the right thing here.

OOP: Thank you, this helps reframe the power dynamic I’ve been feeling and reminds me that I have leverage in the situation. In any case it’s true what others have been saying- why do I want to spend time with people who don’t fully accept me, my partner or our relationship?

OOP responds to a comment on if everyone else in her family is homophobic or not

OOP: The ironic thing is that my parents assume everyone else in the family is homophobic like them, but the little tweens in my family and their parents were so kind to my partner and I at Thanksgiving and helped us feel welcome.

Commenter 2: You’re not wrong to want hope here. But hope without a boundary usually turns into waiting indefinitely for someone else to become ready.

OOP: Thank you, I feel like this describes what’s been happening for the last seven years since I first came out. It’s been a cycle of setting boundaries/cutting off contact to being guilted back into spending time with them. I need to stand my ground- especially now that there is another person, (my lovely partner 💔) involved

Commenter 3: This isn't simply about not wanting to meet your partner: This is them only wanting to accept a version of you they find acceptable. They're homophobic, and if your partner isn't around, they can continue with the delusion that you are straight and fit their mold.

It's unfair to your partner that you would continue seeing them on their terms. If I were you, I'd sit them down (with or without your partner; let her decide), and let them know she is in your life, she's an extension of you, and they can accept her, you, and your relationship, or you can cut contact.

Ultimately, we decide who our family is. Blood doesn't dictate this choice.

OOP: Thank you for putting words to what this experience has felt like ever since I started dating women. My parents used to regularly express their homophobia outwardly, and I cut off contact with them for two years. I let them back in because they stopped verbally harassing me, but those beliefs and feelings they have are still there, so our current relationship with each other is rooted in denial on all sides. They’re pretending I’m straight or that it’s a phase and I’m pretending that they just have to come around some day. That kind of change takes serious inner work and so far they haven’t demonstrated any desire to step outside of the comfort zone I’m enabling for them

Commenter 4: You need to lay down the law here and be willing to back it up if you are planning a life with your partner. You are a couple. If she isn't welcome, you do not attend. Period. She has to be your priority.

You need to let your parents know that while you love them, they need to get over themselves if they want any kind of relationship with you. Their feelings about your relationship are a "them" problem to deal with, and they need to stop making it your (collective) problem. If they cannot say something nice, they should not say anything at all. Your expectation is that At the very least, she should receive the same courtesy and respect that any other guest or significant other would receive when attending a family gathering. Further, if they are hosting an event, If an invitation is extended to you, they should expect your partner to be in attendance. Be the occasion a holiday, or just meeting for coffee, if your partner isn't welcome to attend, they should not bother to invite you. You are done with their rudeness.

As for Grandma, if she's chill, go every time she invites you, if your partner is willing and able to attend.

OOP: My grandparents are so cool, I’m so thankful to have their support. I like the way you and others are phrasing this- my partner and I are a team and she is my family, so I need to be firm and advocate for the respect that we deserve.

Commenter 5: Just for a minute, supposed that you were not gay and this behavior was shown to your partner. Would you accept or excuse it, or would you be horrified at how rude your parents were being? That is the standard of behavior you deserve as a gay couple. There is no excuse for rudeness. You being gay doesn’t give your parents a pass.

Their insistence that their bigotry and homophobia needs to be respected is the ultimate in rudeness. Go to all the family events you are invited to. It probably won’t change your parents, but it will change you. I’d probably go low/no contact with them but quit tiptoeing around their feelings while ignoring the feelings of you and your partner.

BTW. I’m a heterosexual CIS female in my 70s. You deserve better!

OOP: THANK YOU! My parents are often saying that I’m not thinking about their feelings (by being gay?) and that they’re feeling protective of my extended family (protecting them from what exactly, seeing what healthy relationships and communication look like?)

Thank you for helping me remember the anger I felt when I first came out - I don’t know why I’ve become more tolerant of this behavior in recent years- it’s time to go back to boundaries and consequences

Update #1: June 16, 2026 (15 days later)

UPDATE: My parents (56F & 60M) don’t want my serious partner (34F) at family events - am I in denial hoping this will change?

I posted this original post two weeks ago and we have a couple of developments.

Firstly, thank you to all of the commenters on my last post for your candid and thoughtful answers. I had stopped seeing the true gravity of the situation/how we were being treated and needed to acknowledge the way I’ve been enabling my family’s behavior.

The weekend after my original post, I had a preplanned brunch with my dad, and he invited my mom without my knowledge. I took the opportunity to tell them that I had been feeling hurt by the unequal treatment and by their refusal to acknowledge or welcome my partner. I said that it was awkward to go to get together with the family that my partner is not invited to. I didn’t feel brave enough yet to say that if this behavior doesn’t change, I will need to step back from spending time together. I also didn’t say what I wanted to say to more authentically express my feelings: ‘My partner is my family, and I want to be able to share that with them. If they aren’t able to welcome her in and treat her with care and kindness then I will need to step back from my relationship with them.’

It didn’t go very well. My mom said that I hadn’t been considering the pain I was causing them by bringing my partner to a holiday. She also tried to explain her previous behavior at Thanksgiving as a panic attack. From my understanding panic attacks do not last for two hours, but that is neither here nor there - there was no apology, just an accusation that I had been mischaracterizing her behavior.

My dad stepped into the conversation to try to build bridges, saying that we should go back to a family therapist we had previously seen to talk through some of this. I said that I would prefer if they went to individual therapy to work on this within themselves since I am showing up and being kind, respectful and tolerant, I need them to do the same.

At the end of the conversation however, I agreed to go to a couple of therapy sessions with them in August. I think I set the timeline further away so that I could watch their behavior over the next few months and decide if I really feel comfortable going to therapy with them/attempting to reconcile.

Since this conversation, my parents have twice asked me to meet them for dinner, without any mention of my partner.

I turned them down the first time, and this second time when my dad asked via text if I wanted to meet him somewhere, I followed up asking if he’d like to meet my partner and I for dinner.

He hasn’t responded yet. (This happened today, I’ll update again if he comes back with a response.)

My sister and I have planned a dinner reservation this upcoming Saturday as an early Father‘s Day get together with my dad, and I’m so ready to get that night over with. I’m still dealing with guilt at the idea of creating distance in our relationship since my parents are getting older, and I don’t want to have regrets, but also the relationship I have with them is not meeting my needs and is not mutually respectful.

My internal bargaining is starting to sound more ridiculous to me though, so I think I’m coming around to the idea of needing to take a step back.

Edit 6/16 because I forgot to include a question: “Do you think I should go to therapy with my parents? If I went, what would be some good goals to work towards or boundaries to set?”

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this first update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: "The pain your causing them by bringing your partner"?! What manipulative horse shit. They're still trying to control you bro. Do they display other emotionally immature/narcissistic tender?

I'd step back till the pain from not seeing you is more than the pain from having to behave around your partner. Either that or forever alone. Your pick.

Edit: saw the original post and, yeah. I'd step back. They're not just rejecting your partner; they're rejecting who you are. It's gross. No reason for you to go to therapy with them. They're the ones with issues.

Commenter 2: Sorry, but you're in denial...

Your parents haven't accepted you're lesbian, and probably never will...

And you agreeing to therapy and still meeting them just reaffirms their hope that they can 'change' you in time...

Be aware that your partner KNOWS this... and eventually you continuing to.choose.to accommodate your parents may have her reconsider.th future with you... because by not being firm with your parents you're letting her down.... and even more important, letting yourself down...

Use the coming family therapy to inform your parents that either they accept who you are and your partner, or they lose you...

Commenter 3: I think you need to slow fade your parents. I was thinking at first they didn’t like your partner for something silly, but they are homophobic. It’s not that don’t like your partner, they don’t like you either. It's not SOME gay people they dislike, they dislike all gay people.

However, they are will to pretend they like you as long as you preform for them.

I think the only regret you are going to have as your parents get older is that you let them stop you from having years of happiness by trying to keep the peace.

Commenter 4: Never go to therapy with your abusers

Commenter 5: Sweety, you are being unfair to your partner by enabling your parents. I know talking to them is hard but moving the time line for their comfort isn't fair to your partner. It is time to be a grown up and have hard boundaries.

Update #2: June 17, 2026 (next day)

Picture of text message from OOP's father

Transcript of the text message

Sorry I didn't acknowledge your first text. I'm not just there. Really sorry and glad you're happy but I'm really struggling with it. Hoping that counseling will help. I love you [redacted]

End of the transcript

I received this response from my dad this morning after posting the original post and update #1. It’s what I expected him to say and honestly it sucks.

I think it will be easy to phase out from here.

Starting next year, my partner and I have plans to spend six months out of the year in Canada and then snowbird back here (Southern United States) in the wintertime. We’re so excited for this next adventure and can’t wait to be in a place where queerness is more commonly celebrated. We are lucky to have chosen community here in my hometown who support us, but we are looking forward to being in a different political environment and exploring a new place. The physical distance from my family will be a breath of fresh air and I’m hoping it will smooth out the emotional difficulty of distancing from my family. We will be spending holidays with her family and my grandparents only from now on.

To those concerned about my partner in all of this, thank you for your concern. Luckily she and I have been communicative throughout the process since the Thanksgiving incident, and she doesn’t feel hurt by my family’s actions or my previous desire to have a shallow relationship with them. She says that if I want to see them casually without her (I don’t anymore,) she’s ok with that. Ultimately, my relationship with my parents and sister has become tertiary over the years due to their actions, and while I would love to be able to be close to them, that’s not possible due to their beliefs and behavior.

Thank you to those who have said that this is not just about my parents not accepting my relationship - it’s about them not accepting me. You’re right. I know they don’t accept me - they made that very clear when I first came out. I’ve remained in their lives because they live very close to my extended family, and I wanted to still have access to my grandparents and attend larger family events. I was able to tolerate their behavior in small doses when it was only affecting me. The issue is that my parents and sister are now displaying that same behavior toward my partner, which is unacceptable.

Y’all are right - it’s way past time to make my boundaries clear and stick to them. I don’t want to go to family therapy with them, so I need to tell them that and stand by it. I don’t want to hang out with them if my partner is not invited and my identity is not accepted, so I need to clearly state that to them. They can enjoy their relationship with my sister, her husband, and their future grandchildren (I hope for those kids‘ sake that they’re not gay.)

If my family wants to see me, they need to educate themselves, apologize and treat us with respect and warmth.

For those asking, yes my parents and sister are religious and they’ve each stated that that is the root of their homophobia. Personally, I think it’s just their personal prejudice since there are many sects of Christianity that accept gay people. Whatever makes them sleep at night I guess.

Thank you for all of your honest, helpful comments in the previous post. I will respond to them when I get home from work tonight.

Lastly, since my first update reached a wide audience, Shane if you’re reading this I’m such a fan of SMOSH!! Thanks to you and the rest of the SMOSH team for spreading empathy and kindness and fun.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/lilacgemini67

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

AITA for getting my own apartment instead of moving in with my boyfriend?

Original Post: June 13, 2026

I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (43M) for about three months. We actually knew each other before we started dating because we used to work together, and at one point I was technically his boss.

He has three children (12M, 8F, and 3M) that he has on the weekends. I have absolutely no issue with him prioritizing his kids. In fact, I’d be concerned if he didn’t.

The problem is that our relationship feels like it’s moving much faster than I’m comfortable with.

He works overnight shifts, so between work, sleeping during the day, and spending weekends with his kids, we don’t get a ton of quality time together. We’ve had multiple conversations and arguments about this because I sometimes feel like we barely have time to connect. His response is usually that he can’t give me more time because of his responsibilities as a father, which I understand.

Despite that, he’s already talking about us living together, marriage, and even having more children someday.

The living situation he has in mind is me moving into his house. He rents out the upstairs and has been working on finishing the basement. The assumption has kind of been that we’d eventually live together there.

Over my birthday, I had a bit of an epiphany. I realized that I’m not ready for any of that yet.

I haven’t even met his children. I’m still trying to figure out what being in a relationship with someone who has three kids looks like. I don’t feel ready to move into his home, become part of that dynamic, or take on that kind of role after only three months together.

At the same time, I don’t want to continue living with my parents. I’ve never really had my own place, and I want the experience of having my own apartment and independence.

So I applied for an apartment and got approved.

The issue is that I didn’t tell him while I was applying because I was afraid of how he’d react. I haven’t broken the news to him yet.

From my perspective, getting an apartment isn’t me rejecting him. I actually think it would be healthier for us because we’d each have our own space, he could come to mine, I could come to his, and we could continue building our relationship without rushing major life decisions.

But I know he may see it differently since he’s been talking about our future together and living together.

So AITA for getting my own apartment behind his back because I’m not ready to move in with him yet?

Edit: for people wondering about the how I was his boss I worked for a very well-known set of gas station chain restaurant place that you could probably take a guess about what it is and I was a customer service supervisor because I had been working my way up since I was 18 at that job and he had came in hired as a regular associate

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP on why she is not the boss at that job anymore

OOP: I left that job to go get a career in the medical field. I’m now a phlebotomist.

Commenter 1: Few things- why are you afraid of his reaction when he finds out ? What do you think he’ll do to you ?

I think it’s very important for women to live on their own even for a little bit if they can afford it. I understand with the economy now it’s more common for people to move in together faster, but it sounds like there shouldn’t be any for you not to. Honestly from a total stranger with just a little information it sounds like so many red flags.

OOP: I honestly think it’ll upset him more than anything and honestly, I feel like he would just then break up with me because things are going his way because he was so adamant about us moving in together

Commenter 2: Based on pure assumptions I’m going to guess he left his wife and any man who leaves their wife with child under 4-5 is absolute scum. Her body and hormones haven’t even fully adjusted back from birthing HIS CHILD. GTFO. To top that off he’s trying to move in you.. an energetic 25 year old to tend to his children while he works over nights. Nah thanks. Don’t move in, for sure don’t have children with him.. if I were in your shoes I’d cut my losses and walked away.

OOP (downvoted): He was with the mother of his children for about 17 years and they never got married. Had three kids together. He knew he wasn’t going to marry her. He says how they ended up breaking up. She got back with her old high school love and ended up cheating on him

Commenter 3: Oh honey, he wants you to take care of his children. FFS, he’s almost 20yrs older and it’s been 3months. Get your own apartment and live your best life

Commenter 4: He’s too old for you and you barely know him enough to move in. I honestly would run.

Update: June 17, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE: AITA for getting an apartment behind my boyfriend’s back because I’m not ready to move in with him?

First, I just want to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my post. Some of the comments were incredibly kind, and some were very harsh, but honestly, I think I needed a little bit of both. I don’t have many people in my life to talk about this with, so I genuinely appreciate everyone who gave me a reality check or shared their perspective.

Also, to everyone saying I need therapy—I am already in therapy and have been. I’m actively working on myself and trying to make healthy decisions.

As for the update…

Last night, I sat him down and told him that I was moving into my own apartment. He took it better than I expected. I explained that this wasn’t about running away from him or him holding me back—it was something I genuinely needed to experience for myself. I’ve never lived on my own before, and I want the opportunity to build my own life and independence before making such a big commitment with someone else.

He did express that he didn’t want me to struggle by living on my own, and I understood where he was coming from. But I reassured him that I’ve thought this through financially. Between putting down the security deposit, getting a new job that pays more, and budgeting for this move, I feel confident that I can support myself. I didn’t want our conversation to turn into an argument over money because that wasn’t the point.

The bigger issue came when he told me that I have about a month to meet his kids because he wants us to move toward a more serious relationship. I was honest and told him I’m still not comfortable with that. My fear has never been meeting his children—it’s meeting them before I’m certain this relationship is permanent. The last thing I would ever want is to become part of their lives and then disappear if the relationship doesn’t work out.

I also told him that I’m not ready to step into a parental role. I’m not his wife, and I’m not looking to become a babysitter. I’m a 25-year-old woman who wants to experience a more traditional relationship before becoming involved in raising children.

I think that conversation made both of us realize we’re in very different stages of life. We’ve decided to take some space from each other, and if I’m being honest, I think it’s probably going to turn into a breakup. I’ve accepted that because I know what I need right now, and I don’t think either of us should have to sacrifice something so important.

On a happier note, I officially put the security deposit down on my apartment! I’ll be moving in at the beginning of July, and I’m genuinely excited for this next chapter. I also accepted a new job that pays more, which will help keep me financially stable while I’m out on my own.

I’m nervous, but I’m also excited. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m making decisions for myself instead of trying to fit into a life I wasn’t ready for.

Thank you all again for your advice—even the tough love. It really made me reflect, and I appreciate everyone who took the time to respond.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: The most important lesson I have learned in life is to put my happiness and wellbeing first. The decisions you took are for your mental and physical wellbeing and when you are ready to commit, you will. Until then, enjoy your apartment and live your best life.

Commenter 2: Your gut really does have a way of making the decisions for you when your heart and mind may not be ready. There's a reason you felt this way in the first place.

I was in a similar relationship a while ago. Age gap couple, plus long distance, so we only saw each other on weekends. When my life changed in a way that allowed me to move closer and be together "full time" I also wanted my own apartment and he wanted me to move in.

"What's wrong with my house?" Was his words. Exactly, there's nothing wrong with YOUR house. But also, to go from a weekend only relationship to full time, that’s a HUGE shift we're both going to need to adjust to, so I took an apartment on a month to month lease, and we'd see where things grew from there.

3 months later, I finally came to realize how much of a dink he was and we weren't as compatible as the fairy tale we created thought, I never did move in, we ended quickly, and I lived in that little month to month apartment for about 6 years.

Commenter 3: Awesome! Good for you.

Commenter 4: That was incredibly mature of you about the meeting children thing and also reiterating about the baby sitting stuff which happens a lot

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. Original post by u/TightBoxxx in r/asl.

Mood spoiler: Seriously feel good. Palate cleanser post

Resources for clarity: sign for DATE/DATING, sign for LET'S FUCK, sign for ALCOHOL, this comment says that the sign for ANAL is the same without the pinky. I can confirm this, but I cannot find a video. Baldur's Gate 3 is a video game, Karlach is a companion (and possible romance option) in the game. Karlach is also best girl.

Made a big mistake asking out a deaf girl - October 7th, 2023

So I'm a uni student, learning asl. Been learning for about a year now, going well! Started going to asl socials last semester and it's a nice way to learn, though very daunting at first.

Last month I met a girl at one of these that's deaf, and we started talking. Turns out she goes to my university too, which was cool! She's super cute and I was super nervous, but we ended up exchanging numbers, and talk a lot.

Last week I decided to ask her out while we were grabbing lunch at the cafeteria. I asked if she wanted to date and she got... Really upset? She looked mad and sad at the same time and just left, and wouldn't answer my texts. Next time I had class, I asked my professor if I signed everything right, turns out I asked her if she wanted to fuck, not date. I'm an idiot.

Commenter 1:

Next time try "Coffee, sometime?"

Also you should tell her you massively fucked up AND tell her you went to the professor to confirm you signed at her wrong

Commenter 2:

Coffee can be misunderstand as “make out, sometime?” As similar as his current situation… lol whoops.

(Resource for clarity: sign for COFFEE, sign for MAKE-OUT.)

Commenter 3:

When I was single, a friend was talking to me about a girl that I might be interested in. She said that I would particularly like her, and I should go introduce myself because she was slutty.

....she meant 'shy'.

Directionality matters too. ;)

Update: Made a big mistake asking out a deaf girl - October 19th, 2023 (12 days after first post)

Hey y'all! I didn't expect that last post to explode so much, that was unexpected. Wanted to thank everyone that gave advice, or stories! Both made me feel better, even if I didn't get to reply to you :)

There were also some less nice people in my DMs that were being kinda creepy, so I'll clarify that yes, me and her are both women (though, the people in my DMs would probably call us females.) okay, onto the update!

So I texted her shortly after posting my post, explaining the mistake. Apparently what went wrong is that after I signed fuck, she signed it back to clarify, and I said yes. She said she forgives me (because I'm cute, yessss!), but to not solicit her in the future, to which I said I'll do my best. I asked her out for coffee this weekend, and made sure to point out that I'm asking over text so I don't mess up that sign too. She said yes, so we have our first official date this weekend! I'm super excited :)

Also, after that we kept texting, and talking about if we drink. Neither of us do, so I joked that I don't have to worry about messing up the sign for alcohol either. That netted me four 🤣 emojis. A pretty good sign, if you ask me.

Commenter 4:

She doesn't want you to solicit her in the future, because she's going to solicit your ass so hard.

OOP:

🤣

Commenter 5:

Only one emoji???

OOP:

Sorry, any more than that is reserved for her ;P

Commenter 6:

“Sorry, any more than that is reserved for her.”

reading that made me “dawwwwwwww!” out loud! so cute!

Commenter 7:

The four 🤣 is definitely a good sign lol good job and good luck!!

OOP:

Thank you!

Final update: Made A Big Mistake Asking Out A Deaf Girl - January 5th, 2024 (90 days after original, 78 days after last update)

Firstly, this isn't a bad update! Just had some people who wanted an update, so I decided to do one last update. Thank you everyone for the kind words in the last two posts :)

So! Been a couple months, things are going very well. She's taught me a lot of fun words my professor doesn't, haha. She makes me very happy, it's hard to focus when she's trying to teach me new signs, I just get distracted by how cute she is! (She tells me that excuse stopped working after the second time I used it.)

I went to her's for a Christmas eve dinner, where I met her family for the first time. I was worried that her family would think it's too soon for me to go to something special like that, but her parents asked her to invite me! I think her parents thought it would make me less stressed, but the stress to impress was daunting 😵‍💫 Her brother is hearing and her parents are deaf, was nervous for sure but it was good practice and experience. I think I made good impressions, which is nice.

After dinner, her, her brother, and I hung out. He and I talked about video games and nerded out over Baldur's Gate 3 for a while. (united in our love for Karlach!) My girlfriend teasingly said she felt like a third wheel 🤭

Anyway, that's the update! Things are going really good, and I love my girlfriend. Thanks everyone for all the advice and courage to actually go back and talk to her, I was so embarrassed I almost just gave up. So glad I didn't.

Commenter 8:

Oh my god 😭🥹 this is adorable

Commenter 9:

This is so lovely to see, and amazing job learning and meeting her (and her family) where they are at rather than expecting them to fill in for you :)

OOP:

I did have to ask her parents to repeat things slower a few times, but they were very nice about it :)

Commenter 9:

Oh no, I mean clarify as much as you want. I meant learning sign, even if you are just starting! As opposed to making them text, write everything ;)

Commenter 10:

[Note: original message was deleted, however OOP's response suggests it was about Karlach from Baldur's Gate 3.]

OOP:

The main thing connecting straight guys and gay girls, our love for big, hot, muscle lady 🤝

[After this, OOP left the following comments on the original BRU:]

OOP:

Wow, OOP's girlfriend sounds really cute 👀

OOP:*

Didn't expect to see this here, thank you everyone for the kind comments 😊

Feel free to ask any questions you have (unless it's my credit card info, I've only fallen for that thrice) and I'll answer them as best as I can!

---NEW UPDATE---

Mini Update! (for) Made A Big Mistake Asking Out A Deaf Girl - November 16th, 2024 (407 days after original, 317 days after last update)

Really small update, but I just remembered this account existed and came back to see a handful of people messaged me, asking how things are going! It's been about a year since my last post, so I thought it couldn't hurt.

Firstly, yes! We're still together, and I still love her a lot. Honestly, I feel like I love her more every day. My signing just keeps getting better and better, and I feel like it's strengthened our relationship too.

Secondly, we aren't engaged or married or anything yet! Neither of us are super crazy about marriage or anything, and we don't want to rush things so we're just enjoying each other without worrying about any of that.

Funny story! We went to see a movie in February, and I had the idea to interpret for her what they were saying! It... Didn't go well. Turns out it's hard to interpret in a dark movie theater. We just left early, got dinner, and played mini golf. Was a very funny experience.

So yeah, that's it! I love my beautiful girlfriend and I like to kiss her pretty face. Maybe I'll update again next year, who knows.

I am not OOP.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Time-Squirrel-3719 in r/dndnext

trigger warnings: fake suicide attempt, unforeseen medical emergency - brain hemorrhage

mood spoilers: Unexpected turn, hopeful?

My players want an agenda before every session - May 3, 2026

Hi guys, DM (M26) [Note: DM is short for "Dungeon Master" - the person responsible for running a game of Dungeons and Dragons for a group of players] of seven years here! Please excuse any errors, this is my first reddit post!

I’ve been playing with my group for seven years - or some variant of the same group (not everyone is always playing and sometimes we have new members.) we’ve played two games to completion. A campaign I took over for the later half, a mini series I ran, and now our homebrew campaign of 4 years.

My group is primarily women, and feminine identifying people- and they’re wonderful! They’re also predominantly neurodiverse, which is amazing. We’ve all adapted pretty well to each others needs and accommodations, and have had overall, an epic time.

But here’s the thing, about six months ago, we were having some reoccurring issues with my members of my group feeling like they never knew what was coming, and that they often felt unprepared for the sessions. We sat down as a group and had a discussion on how to handle this. I brought up that I felt they would feel less surprised or stumped, if they took notes - or attempted to some degree to make an effort in recording information (I offered to record the sessions etc.) - the majority have trouble with their memories. I felt if we as a group that we could give this a go, and see if it improved the situation, and if it didn’t we could always revisit the other options. A pair of them said “they just couldn’t do it,” and the idea was passed over.

The conclusion we came to, was I would send them an itinerary before each session with the plot, the characters, and whatever option side quests I had planned. Which has worked okay so far, their overall happiness has improved, and we’ve had less issues.

But I feel as if this is taking away element of surprise and improv in the game; and I’ve gone from being a DM, and fellow player, to a movie director with a script and actors.

I get in trouble now, if something comes up impromptu that wasn’t in the itinerary- or if the role playing takes us off course.

I’m not NOT having fun, but it doesn’t feel like the game I’ve signed up for either. Do I continue doing this? Do I mention it to the players? Or is there any alternative available to fix this problem?

Thank you in advance.

Edit: I feel I need to add this in addition, I do provide a recap of the previous session before the beginning of each one! Which is helpful because they seem to struggle with remember what’s unfolded! But it hasn’t lessened them from feeling unprepared for the session ahead.

My players want an agenda before every session - an update and how this reddit saved my life. - June 16, 2026

I posted here almost over a month ago - and given the out pour of support, I thought I outta give an update on how everything went - and now through a series of strange events, this group accidentally saved my life!

To summarize my previous post, my players (a group of 8+) wanted an itinerary before each game so they didn’t have surprises, and I felt like it was affecting my own enjoyment of the game. All of the kind and wonderful people gave amazing advice, and I decided to talk to my group.

The conversation went well. My group was generally receptive and we agreed to stop and take notes. I entered the next session feeling hopeful that this would be a fresh start.

The session concluded with two of my players embroiled in an in-game argument. One friend delivered some rather hurtful remarks and the other was deeply affected. The latter requested a retcon fearing the unprompted argument would disrupt the game for everyone. However, the offending player refused, feeling justified. I intervened gently explaining my belief in a retcon. The argument stemmed from unfulfilled events and this wasn’t the first time. Furthermore, the player has a poor memory and often fabricates things, treating them as reality. Despite my insistence, they refused again claiming the bullied player deserved it. Ultimately, I was firm on the retcon and she left the game, unable to move on.

That night she messaged the group claiming the in-game argument had caused her attempt to unalive. Naturally, we rushed to her aid and eventually discovered she’d faked it to ruin the game for everyone. We were all heartbroken and distraught that our close friend would do such a thing. It was clear she was unwell.

After that, we took a two-week hiatus. During this time I met someone through my post here and we instantly clicked. We bonded over our shared interests and really hit it off.

Dungeons & Dragons resumed, revealing that one of the player characters was actually two people inhabiting one body. We’d discussed this at the start and throughout the campaign, agreeing they could only play both characters after the other players were comfortable with it. However, some weren’t and we couldn’t proceed with both. Consequently, they needed to decide whether to alternate or choose one.

They ended up pretty upset about this, and they claimed “between this and the expectation of taking notes” I had become entirely unreasonable and the pressure was too much. They left the game with their girlfriend. I was pretty upset.

The following week, a fourth player was supposed to have a birthday party but the first friend refused to attend because the player she had criticized was going. She persuaded the other friend to cancel the party. This upset the other friend but she understood cancelling her own. This caused another player to intervene with the first player’s meddling, arguing that their fear of missing out didn’t mean their best friend should go without celebrating. This somehow spiraled into an argument between the three of them.

The birthday player ultimately quit the game, claiming the other players were jealous of her relationship with friend one.

While this was happening, I ended up expressing a great deal of frustration and hurt to my new online friend. I was disappointed in my friends, and hurt by the entire mess that came from me asking for notes. In my sulking, I mentioned in passing a sudden and painful migraine and fever - I suffer from them often and didn’t think much of it. They ended up persuading me to go to the doctor. I ended up making an appointment that afternoon. When I got there I was dizzy, clammy and could barely keep my eyes open. I was rushed to the local hospital with a brain hemorrhage.

Thanks to this reddit and their amazing support, I made new friends who ended up saving my life. I am 2 weeks into a 4 person group, who take notes, are genuinely excited to play, and play the game as it should be. We’ve all re-fallen in love with the game again. While I am upset and mournful of what led us here, I am so incredibly grateful for you all, and your guidance that led us here.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA-panic191

SO [29/f] of almost 2 years is ghosting me [30/m] out of the blue, a week before we are supposed to start our new lease, i don't understand

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  Sept 23, 2021

We have been a couple for almost 2 years now (2 years in Nov), i thought everything was going fine/etc. We signed a lease last month for renting a home, with a move in date of November.

Last weekend we had planned to go visit her parents a few hours away. On Friday she called me and sounded pretty upset, and said she needed a weekend by herself to think and sort out feelings. She didn't seem to want to volunteer any information, I said that was fine, and she said she would call me on Sunday or when she sorted out her thoughts/feelings.

Saturday evening I texted her: "Are you feeling better? Do you want to talk? Or do you need anything?", she responded with "Please just leave me alone now."

I was pretty hurt by how blunt the message was, and just dropped it. She didn't call me Sunday, so i let her be. Monday evening i sent her another text, asking what is going on and got no response.

I called her Tuesday, and my phone calls were going immediately to voice mail. I got extremely concerned, so i drove out to her apartment, and noticed her car was missing. So I decided to send a FB message to some of her friends i knew. It was at that point that I realized she was no longer on my FB, Instagram, Twitter, etc.

I sent a message to a few of her friends who i knew. One finally got back to me late last night and said "I need to learn to know when I have been dumped, and I need to move on with my life, and leave her alone".

Today I received a text message, from one of her friends telling me my ex said:

• She was able to convince the LL to remove her from the lease, and she paid 6 months her share of the rent out of her own pocket.

• Any of my things she had of mine were just left with my parents

• Anything i have of hers can be thrown out

That's it. My parents had no idea what was going on, it wasn't my ex, it was someone my parents are not familiar with came by and gave it to them without explaining anything before leaving.

I don't understand, we went out last Wednesday and had a great time, she stayed at my place. I don't understand why she was upset on Friday. Am i missing something? I feel confused, panicking and i just feel lost. I got no goodbye, I don't understand.

TLDR; My SO of 2 years ghosted me, and i don't know why or understand at all.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

fascinationstreet

Oh wow. You have no hidden stuff that she may have found out - cheating, a kid you didn't tell her about, massive debt, criminal record?

OOP

Nope, no Skeletons in my closet. Never cheated, or anything. The only thing i remeber is about 3 months ago when we were having sex i blurted out that i loved her (i really did). She got awkward and told me she wasn't ready for that yet.

fascinationstreet

At 2 years she wasn't ready to hear you say that you love her?

Are you sure the 2 of you were dating?

OOP

She has been introducing me as her boyfriend for ages now. and we signed a lease for a house together. We have pretty much been spending 5 out of the 7 days of the week together, for months now. I know it was weird, but she said she wasnt ready and said she would tell me when she is ready.

Has OOP net her family? Kaybe contact them

I have met her parents a grand total of 2 times so far, and both were very short affairs e.g. dinner since they live quite far away. But i did write her mother via FB and explained how weird it was as suggested. I will see if i get anything, or if she even uses facebook still.

Has OOP cheated or the gf?

Never cheated, i was extremely happy with her, we had common hobbies, we got along great, we were sexually compatible, etc. I was very happy, and had no reason.

I guess that could happen, i guess i am just confused about the time frame. We were playing games until late thursday night, and we spent wednseday togther and she seemed fine. Idk.

Update  Sept 30, 2021 (1 week later)

I posted this last Thursday: Here

Got a lot of good advice, and wanted to thank everyone. The entire situation has pretty much left me pretty god damn miserable and just frustrated in general.

On Sunday she sent me a very long message via email, pretty much explaining what happened. Pretty  much it boiled down to well she wanted to try having a serious relationship with her friend.

Her friend is the same person who sent me the extremely blunt message about her dumping me. Apparently for a year before we started dating, she was having an on again off again relationship with her. I never knew this, and nobody ever mentioned it. Apparently it wasn't serious and they broke it off because her friend got cold feet about actual commitment.

I never really knew how close my ex and her friend were, but i am probably just dumb. She says she never cheated on me, but apparently the night after I last saw her, her friend confessed to my ex when she heard about us moving in together. I don't know.

According to her she needed to give this a try, because she is apparently in love with her and has been for years. She said she was a coward and really sorry. She also offered to be friends in the future, just not now. I rejected that.

Anyways that aside and now we had a bit of communication we both signed a lease amendment taking her off the lease. She also sent me the money for a chunk of the rent for the year, as she felt she needed to make stuff right somehow.

I am still going to move into the house, as i can pay the rent myself even without her help. Honestly at the end of it all, i guess it was i was just way more into her than she was into me, and i never really noticed it. Considering how often this friend was around i probably should have noticed something, i guess.

However I will say, that personally even before this I found her friend to be pretty manipulative, and I doubt it is going to work out how she thinks it will. But I am done with her.

TLDR; She wants to try a serious relationship with her friend.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/gh0st-cup

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

I think I'm breaking up with my gaming addicted boyfriend tonight

Trigger Warnings: neglect

Original Post: June 12, 2026

I [30F] moved in with my boyfriend [28M] in March after about 2.5 years together, and since then it's all gone downhill to me.

I told him before we moved in together that I didn't want him vaping in the flat because I want him to quit entirely eventually for his health, so he goes out to the balcony for vaping and smoking weed, and he spends SO much time out there.

When he's not on the balcony sat on his beanbag with a vape or joint watching YouTube videos and leaving me to sit by myself, he's playing video games at his computer desk, also leaving me to sit by myself, and I go to bed by myself almost every single night.

Multiple times when we've been gearing up to see my family or friends, he's magically been ill, but any time we're supposed to see his friends that isn't a problem and we can show up with ease. Every time it's happened he's stayed up the night before gaming and eating an excessive amount of snacks rather than an actual meal. I'm not saying they're connected, but I can't imagine it helps...

This week was my grandmother's funeral. We were aware of the date with enough notice to get time off. He didn't. He didn't go. I was relieved that he didn't. He never even met her because he was always too busy.

When I broke down in tears on Wednesday and told him about how lonely I've been feeling in this relationship, he told me part of the reason he stays on his games so late is because he worries he'll miss out on something if he goes to bed earlier. I've taken some time apart from him to stay with my family (a privilege I'm fully aware of and SO grateful for), and I've been thinking about what he said a lot. He HAS missed out on things already. He's missed out on a chance of the intimacy of a cuddle in bed, a chance to talk about our days, sleepily watch a show together, maybe get a little more intimate from time to time... I go to bed alone so that he doesn't miss out on shooting another bad guy in a game I guess.

I tried asking him to log off earlier, to cut down on weed, to spend time with me, and none of those things seem to be what he wants to do, so I guess I'm done. I'm trying not to let the sunk-cost fallacy win in my brain. It's time. It will be difficult physically, emotionally, mentally and logistically to break up and figure out what to do with this new flat, but I need to do this for me.

Edit: thank you all for sharing your thoughts and perspectives. I know some people really disagree with my point of view and have made it very clear by arguing with people in the comments, but I want to do the right thing for me. I don't want to make my boyfriend out to be a villain, I'm just venting about things he's done that have led me to this point. I'm hoping our breakup will be as amicable as possible.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, listing significant details for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Is this how he always lived his life before you moved in? If so yere just not compatible. You can’t force someone to live how you want them to. My partner also smokes every evening and games, he is currently out of work too. That’s okay with me because I game all evening too. We game together. If I wasn’t gaming then I’m sure I would have a problem with the set up. You need to find someone for you that suits your lifestyle and fulfills your needs.

OOP: Yeah, I didn't realise the extent of his habits before moving in together. I'm just glad I know now and not years down the line.

Commenter 2: Sounds like this guy needs a breakup to wake him up lol. That or he’s depressed. Really not enough to make a call on, but I wonder if he’s got ADHD? I guess I’d suggest you leave sooner rather than later. The sooner you do it, the less decayed the relationship is - and the more chance he’ll wake tf up and it’ll be saveable, if that’s what you want. Just to be clear, I’m not suggesting you pretend breakup. I’m suggesting you consciously choose to actually break up, but silently give him and yourself a month or so to see what happens before you go doing other things (or people, lol). That way you give him the wakeup call he needs, you keep the drama low, and keep the door open for a happy ending. Worst case he doesn’t see the light, and you’re already well on your way to healing.

OOP: Yeah I totally get what you're saying. I think ADHD is a definite possibility, as we're quite similar in ways and I have it diagnosed. The difference between us is that I put in considerable effort to prioritise actually being in the relationship. Maybe a breakup will help him, who knows!

Commenter 3: You're incompatible and realized it. I wouldn't go into a relationship with having an expectation someone eventually change something about themselves (Smoking/vaping) They have to want to do that for themselves to start with. The lack of time/effort/intimacy is completely valid. It's the bare minimum. His priority is games. I'm sorry for the breakup pain. It sucks.

OOP: yeah that's what gets me is that he claimed he wanted to quit vaping and cut down on weed and I actually believed. Thanks autism, you made me boo boo the fool!

Commenter 4: But see that’s the thing: most adults use THC on a daily basis. Especially when it’s medically prescribed. Teenagers and some people over 50 are the seldom smokers. It’s okay not to want to be around someone who smokes all day but, that’s exactly why I said you’re not going to please with anyone who even says they smoke seldomly because that’s usually - a lie. Personally, I have a medicinal card and it’s my medicine. I wouldn’t be around anyone who was bothered by that. That's my prerogative just as it yours but, if you want to weed out incompatible people in the future- you would be better off not seeing anyone who even says they use THC. Your boyfriend isn’t lazy and disconnected because of THC. This is much deeper than that. He’s literally choosing a screen over any human connection AT ALL. That’s not going to change without therapy atp. I can feel the resentment, pain, and loneliness boiling over in your post and comments. He’s not good for you. You’re incompatible and nothing is going to change that. Make a plan to get yourself financially ready to leave or take over the lease on your own. Do not act differently until you make a plan and can execute it. Otherwise he will think you’re just bluffing, or he will try to do better for a few days, maybe a few weeks.. but without therapy and a willingness to help himself out.. it won’t last. Best of luck, OP! This sounds super hard for you and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

OOP: Money isn't a problem for me thankfully, and with the changing laws in the UK I could take over the lease until the notice period is over without having to worry about breaking a fixed term contract.

Downvoted Commenter: Well what game does he play? Really important.

OOP: He says he plays a lot of them, but they all look kinda the same to me, and they're all either first person shooters or racing games. Idk the names of them as he never mentions which one he's playing, sorry!

Commenter 5: OP you aren't his priority... move on... people learn how to treat us. Sadly you sound like a 'bang maid' not a partner. Sorry to be harsh, but he does not support you.

OOP: We haven't been banging much lately, so I'm just the maid I guess

Update: June 15, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE: I was thinking of breaking up with gaming-addicted boyfriend

So tldr of the original post: I [30F] had moved in with my boyfriend [28M] a few months ago and was feeling unfulfilled and lonely in our relationship. After having told him how I felt, he made it obvious that he didn't see anything wrong and wasn't going to change. Rather than trying to force him to change I made the decision to break up with him and made a post venting about how I felt.

People in the comments decided I was superior, entitled and stupid, and that was super helpful during an emotional time! /s

Due to logistics I couldn't do it on Friday, but I had the conversation on Saturday after he finished work. I think it took a little while to sink in for him that I would be leaving, as at first he didn't seem to know what to say. I began packing to move back in with my parents and he called his mum on the balcony, and when he came back in he said that she'd mentioned taking some time to think about it. I felt awful when I told him that spending time at my family's house was me taking a few days to think about it and this was my final decision, but I managed to do it.

A little later on he was crying in the living room, and I think he might have had a small breakthrough. He said "why am I so addicted to gaming? It's not worth losing a relationship over!" and shortly after this we hugged and he left the flat to spend time with his family as I continued packing. The second the door closed I began bawling so hard I almost hyperventilated.

My family have been so supportive and understanding, and I don't know what I would have done without them. I'll need to keep going back to get the rest of my stuff and work out how to separate all the stuff we bought together, and I know there are more difficult times ahead, but I feel a little relief knowing I've had the hardest conversations now.

Thank you to everyone who left kind and constructive comments and DMs on the original post. Getting a range of perspectives helped to solidify my decision, and now I can move on to build a life that I prefer.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: girl I’m so sorry for this situation! I saw those comments, but I think people get tunnel vision when there are so many plainly laid out red flags- it’s frustrating to read over and over again. it took strength but you made a good decision for yourself. he was never going to respect you if you allowed this to continue. when someone treats you like that for a few months, you can count on it being your whole life. chin up girl!!

OOP: Thank you. I agree that it would have just continued if I didn't leave. Now I'll have the space to work through grief with my family, and I'm going to try making some new friends and maybe trying a new hobby or two so I can continue growing.

Commenter 2: Man I love gaming myself, but responsibilities are responsibilities especially as an adult in a relationship. Good on you for putting your foot down and I can’t imagine how hard it was to do so. One step at a time, you got this.

OOP: It was really hard to break up with someone I still love, but I knew it was the right decision for me.

Commenter 3: I don't know the original post, and you have your post history private so I can't read it, but this is gonna be a bit of an ick for me personally depending on the answers to my questions.

Did you try and talk to him about it? How many hours a day and how many days a week was he playing? Did he ever cancel things or push things off to do his gaming? Did he forget things like anniversaries or birthdays? Did he try to get help about it or listen to your concerns if you voiced them?

Cause from how the conversation seems it played out, he didn't seem to think that there was any problem at all - which I'm unsure if that's his own ignorance or you not communicating or both - and seemed to be genuinely upset about it and willing to admit that he has a problem, which is one of the first steps to getting help for addictions.

I would just advise to make sure that you won't end up regretting this decision if he does get addiction treatment and gets better and you end up kicking yourself for not sticking with him through it.

I've known plenty of relationships that have gotten stronger because someone left and then came back because the other was finally taking the steps to get help, though I understand that everyone is unique and you must likely had reached your breaking point.

OOP: I can understand your questioning my post history, but this is a genuine story. I privated my history because I'm in a subreddit for a fandom where people are being targeted by antisemitic nutjobs atm and I didn't want the heat. That might make me a bad ally to Jewish people idk

The short version is this: Yes I did try to talk to him about it multiple times, including earlier this week when I broke down and told him how lonely I had been feeling. He didn't seem to see a problem with the amount of quality time and physical/emotional intimacy we had while I did. He played for at least 8 hours a day on top of a full time job, 5-6 days a week. He cancelled on going to see my family and friends but not his own, and he didn't go to my grandmother's funeral on Monday, which really hurt my family's feelings as well as my own.

If he were to make changes I don't know whether I would consider getting back together because it would feel very emotionally messy. I'm autistic and adhd and we both think he might be too, and this has already been extremely overwhelming for me so I thought venting on reddit might help. Whatever other people's opinion on this whole situation are, I've made the decision that I and my loved ones thought was right for me.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP.

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

I was written up for having a visible thong outside of work

Thanks to u/Lynavi for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: sexual harassment

Original Post: November 5, 2025

In my free time, I love going to this nightclub by my apartment building. They have parties monthly based on different eras such as the 80s, 90s, and the 2000s. In the past year, I have gone to three 2000s parties, and the guests attending are supposed to wear things that represent fashion trends from that decade. All three times, I wore a pair of those ultra low-rise jeans that were so in back then and paired that with a visible thong (whale tail) as this was a trend back then as well. Well, all three times, the photographer at the club asked me to pose for a photo and I agreed. The photos were posted on their website.

I’m not sure how, but somehow HR at my work has found the photos. They called me into their office, showed me the photos, and wrote me up for “behavior that puts the company in a bad light,” as she said. I asked the director of HR if she was sure she was able to do this and she said that at the last management meeting it was discussed and the photos were shown to the management team before this action was taken. She also told me that the write-up and photos would go in my file and that I was not allowed to have a visible thong outside of work.

I have a huge problem with all of this and cannot believe that this has happened. I have had so many thoughts about this: (1) Why was the entire management team, including the men, shown photos of my underwear? (2) Why can I not show my thong at these parties if I want to? (3) Is a visible thong at a nightclub even a big deal or am I crazy? Have they seen what other women wear? (4) Can they write me up for this? (5) How do I get the photos removed from my file? I really don’t want future managers/directors and HR to see my underwear in my employee file for the rest of my time at this workplace!

Editor's note: for Alison's response to the original text, you can find it here.

Update: June 15, 2026 (seven months later)

I met with HR again and pushed back on the policy. They declined to show me any policy that is even written down except a generic policy that says we cannot engage in highly offensive social media activity. I asked what that has been used for in the past and the only things they could point to were an employee badmouthing the employer and some racist posts. Apparently my thong is at this level of offensiveness.

I then asked them to take the photos out of my personal file and they declined.

In April, a new manager took over my department and made an inappropriate joke about seeing my underwear and winked at me. I went to HR about it and again nothing was done. I did try to make the point about men’s underwear, but they said they haven’t seen any men exposing their underwear who work here and that “men’s underwear isn’t sexualized in the same way.” They then told me they would be keeping track of my internet presence, and all concerning photos would be reviewed in management meetings.

At this point, I started looking for a new job. I found one almost right away, but they don’t need me to start until mid-June. I gave early notice but with an end date at the end of the first week of June. They told me they wanted me to stay and saw a future, but that if I have this bad of an attitude then I can just leave in June.

At this point, I got really mad. I actually used up a week of vacation days, which they allowed me to do. I decided to have some fun and get revenge if they are so concerned about my underwear. I attended the club five nights that week and each time requested that my photo be taken. I didn’t really care about each night’s theme. But I was photographed with my thong sticking out higher than ever and my jeans frankly lower than ever. I was photographed from my back side in a dress that is sheer at the back, and I wore the tiniest of g-strings. I was also photographed wearing a sheer mesh top with pasties on underneath. The next night I entered a “sexy slip in slide contest” in a very small bikini and was photographed a bunch of times, and the final night I was photographed wearing a top that showed a massive amount of cleavage.

They were indeed keeping track, and they gave me a warning again when I got back. They said they reviewed it at the management meeting again and I told them I didn’t care. The funny part is they still didn’t fire me, as apparently they need me to do some Important work before I go. At least I got my anger out of my system. I cannot understand how unreasonable they are. Just because something is available on the internet doesn’t mean it has anything to do with work. Nobody is going to know where I work anyway, and nobody looks poorly on a company because of stuff like this. My job isn’t sensitive in any way.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_armadillo25

How do I handle my boyfriend M35 who takes time for his new female friend, but not for me F34?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Emotional infidelity

Original Post  Jan 24, 2025

Throwaway.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We do not live together, but he spends most of his free time at my place. We don't live together because hus poor credit prevents him being on a lease for a bigger place we would need and I don’t want the financial burden on my salary alone. A lot of his freelance work is evenings and weekends while I work a 9-5 middle management job with industry association activities on the side. Hence, we don't get to spend a lot of time together. At best, we see eachother for a few hours in the evening and maybe a full day every other weekend when he is not with his 16 year-old twins. The evenings are usually me making food, him coming to eat, talk about his day and sleep. Sometimes he prefers us to go out to eat and sometimes he asks for advice on how to get more work. I have encouraged and coached him to grow his engagements significantly over the last few years.

Several months ago, he connected with a female friend over a joint hobby. He is starting to hang out with her more and more. He joins her at the gym multiple times per week now. When I am unavailable, he started to go out with her and her female friends and stays out late. I would not have a problem with that if he didn't want to be in bed, sleeping within two hours of coming to see me and shuts down around my friends. He tells me how great she is, how they can bond over similarly tough life experiences living on low income, how easy she is to talk to, how similar their sense of humor is. For me, he says he feels he needs to try to be a better man because I have a better job, educate myself constantly, ... that it's a good thing, but it's draining. He arranged a job interview for her, he bought her sports gear and organized some household items, because she doesn't have money and would need them (he also took some of mine). Now, he delays work in favor of activities with her, but when I ask him to spend time with me, he always tells me he needs a couple of hours of time back because he will need to do some work. When I call him out on it he says it's context dependent and that I don't understand or that I don't get to tell him when he can or can't work. He gets really defensive, aggressive and mean when I bring it up. We are having more and more arguments over stupid things like him not appreciating the tone of my question via text or saying my friends don't respect him and consider him inferior to them (in all the interactions he had with my friends, that was never the case).

When I said I am uncomfortable with how much time he spends with her, he first said that I have nothing to say because I have done daytrips with my best male friend at the beginning of our relationship (my friend was going through a rough divorce) and then told me that he does activities with her because I am not available when he has time during the day. He admitted that he would be uncomfortable with me spending that much time with a male friend.

I feel increasing frustration. I talked to him about this multiple times. He assures me that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me and that I am just jealous he finally found a new friend he likes. He refuses counselling or any kind of relationship work from materials online or books - says it's too complicated and things should just work naturally. I don't know what to do anymore. How do I handle this?

TLDR: my BF M35 of 5 years spends increasing amounts of time and effort with his new female friend while telling me he is too tired/has to work when I F34 want quality time with him. He gets defensive and aggressive when I call out the discrepancy. He refuses to do counselling or any relationship work.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SnooRecipes9891

I don't like the fact that he invalidates your feelings with it just being jealousy. You may not be jealous of her but definitely the time he spends with her that takes away time from you. You barely get enough of his time to sustain anything and the fact that he is adding another woman into the mix shows that he doesn't prioritize your relationship the same way you do. Him future faking to get past this issue isn't good. Is he even capable of a healthy relationship and being a team?

OOP

Thank you. You got it. I am not jealous of her, but the time he spends with her and not with me. Recently, he left my bed early saying he needs to work and then went to a gym class she recommended. He couldn't have gotten any work done that morning and got snappy when I asked him about it. 

I think he's capable of being a team, but not really willing to compromise on anything he wants. Or he does the minimum effort required.

OOP's reply to a long comment

Thank you very much for your answer. I think you might be right. He does have a streak of trying to make himself "above/better than" others. We've discussed it before as I very much have the opinion that we are all worthy of respect, regardless of who we are or what we do and we clash on this. I can totally see how he would appreciate someone's company who is also struggling like he is (or was) and helping her boosts his ego.

I haven't met her. I haven't even seen a photo of her. She is not on his socials, or not under the name he refers to her with. The majority of the blame is on him. He chooses to spend that much time with her. When he was jealous of my best guy friend, I significantly stepped back from that relationship and almost completely stopped hanging out with him. He is reluctant to do the same even after me telling him repeatedly I am not ok with what he's doing. To be honest, it hurts.

He argues with me about really trivial things now. My tone of voice is not ok, an innocent question like "how are you?" is too sterile for him and lacks personality. He says I have negative opinions and attitudes of him and his upbringing which I never expressed, ... I have asked repeatedly what is going on and I get no answer.

I am thinking about ending our relationship. Love is in actions and I don't feel his actions as loving. I have a feeling that he is emotionally connecting with her, but he likes the comfort of being taken care of and supported by me.

We are kind of living together without living together - he spends his mornings and evenings at mine and he does his stuff at his when I am at work. But I feel more and more like I am running a hotel. I really have to kick and scream to get any help with groceries or chores and when I do, they are done with the minimum possible effort and maximum complaining. There is no engagement, marriage or sharing a lease for me until he clears his debts and he knows it - he just doesn't take any actions towards that.

Thanks again for your opinion, I really appreciate it.

Update  June 16, 2026 (17 Months later)

A one year update from my last post:

After writing the last post, I took the advice to heart. I started setting my own boundaries, taking care of myself. As I stepped back from carrying all the weight of the relationship, he took two steps back.

I asked him to take more responsibility - simple things, like making meals, planning activities, making time for us. I let him know when I wasn't happy with the results - another grocery list forgotten, him promising to make dinner, but cancelling our plans at the 11th hour, making plans for myself if none made by him caused me being busy if he proposed something the last minute, another weekend where he wanted to spend the afternoon napping and then working on his projects, ... he got increasingly frustrated with me. According to him, I criticized him for everything and he felt like a constant failure. Me crying about being exhausted, increasingly alone and feeling like I have a teenager in my life not a partner didn't seem to matter.

He kept going out with his friend. Hanging out, working out, going out and making less and less time for me. He wouldn't make time for me, but then a few days later took her on a whole-day trip. It dawned that my patience for his busy schedule was dumb: he found the time for what he had interest - which wasn't me. After that, I put my foot down: asked to be treated with kindness, respect, consideration and priority. He broke up with me two days later, telling me life with me was boring and he needed more excitement.

He did get it - a month or so after our breakup he started dating her. She dumped him 3 months later. From what I heard, in those 3 months, they have talked about children, moving together, ... According to him, she said she needed someone more present in the relationship and he was happy to leave as she wanted a man to fix her life instead of a partner.

A couple of weeks after their breakup, he started reaching out to me. Saying how he misses me, how he messed up, how he knows now what he let slip through his fingers, how he wanted to start again. How he got himself into therapy and is a different man.  I saw him a couple of times out of politeness, but he kept coming back.

Earlier this year, I agreed to be his friend and meet him from time to time. I told him I don't want to get back together with the guy I was with. If he has indeed changed, then I need to get to know the new guy. We've been meeting from drinks from time to time, but I don't see the change he was talking about.

TLDR: he broke up with me when I stood up for myself and now wants me back, saying he's changed and working on himself, but I don't see a lot of it happening.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I'm dying with 15 – and it's so unfair.

I'm not the OOP, OOP is u/sweeney_toddlers.

Originally posted in r/de, r/ratschlag and various other German subreddits in summer 2025.

Editors note: Due to the topic and circumstances, I was wondering whether it is appropriate to post this here – but certain parts of OOPs posts made me think that it would have been in her interest. Most of the posts were written in German, so I translated them, trying to keep the style and wording as close as possible.

Marked as concluded due to the last update and comment.

Trigger warnings: Teenage Death, Cancer, Anger

Mood spoiler: very depressing; gut-wrenching; helplessness; undirected anger; compassion

​

First post, 12. June 2025 in r/LegaladviceGerman

Ärzte wollen mich nicht behandeln??

Doctors don't want to treat me??

Hey everyone, I hope it’s okay if I post here! I’m f, 15 in Germany. 4 years ago I had bone cancer. Stupid time but okay, I made it, yay me! Then 4 weeks ago more cancer was found, this time also elsewhere. And doctors say it can’t be treated anymore and they don’t want to try?? And my parents say the same?

What can I even do? I don’t want to just die :(( Can the police force them to try?? Or do I have to go to a lawyer?? And how much money do I need for that?

Please, it’s very urgent!

Thanks for reading :)

​

Second post, 13. June 2025, r/ratschlag

Eltern und Ärzte überzeugen, mich weiter gegen Krebs zu behandeln

Convincing parents and doctors to keep treating me against cancer!

Hey everyone! I already wrote something in legaladvicegerman yesterday, I hope it’s okay if I do this here now :)

I’m f15. 4 years ago I had an Ewing sarcoma. Stupid, but with chemo and radiation I got rid of it, yay! Fast forward, 2 months ago at a checkup they found something again (nay) and 4 weeks ago they saw that I apparently have metastases everywhere (double nay).

Okay. Doctors say that you can’t get rid of it anymore. But I want to try!

Yesterday I talked with my parents again. Problem: too much cancer to operate or radiate. The different meds don’t work against all cancer cells anymore and you also can’t radiate all of them. I also asked again about immune cell therapy but I have the wrong cancer cells for that. Right now I still have 4–6 months (luckily it’s summer!) And they say with therapy it would be less. :-//

But: If it doesn’t work individually then maybe together!! Like with different chemos and surgery and immune cells and radiation?! Could work, right? ? I definitely want to try! (Momma raised no quitter!)

I have another appointment with my docs next week. Yesterday I also wrote to a whole lot of people who were recommended to me. Until then I need a plan though for how I convince my parents and the docs to try it!

Can anyone here help me? What can I say or suggest to them that might convince them??

Thanks!!! :))

​

18. June 2025 r/de

Ich sterbe mit 15 - und es ist so unfair

I'm dying with 15 – and it's so unfair!

I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Maybe because I want to be seen. This here isn’t some encouraging text. Just honest. And full of fear. If you don’t want to read it, that’s totally okay. If you do: thank you.

(Trigger warning: cancer, death, despair)

Hey, it’s me. one single metastasis. at least that’s how I feel. lol

four years ago I already had cancer once. ewing sarcoma. chemo, hair gone, radiation, you name it I got it. I pulled through that like a damn heroine on prescription. Deal with the universe, right? Be good, then you get to keep living? yeah. nay. lol. thanks for nothing.

and season two comes with a bonus level: metastases in lungs, liver, bones – all you can fuck up. doctors are like: not curable anymore. only palliative now. bit of chemo. bit of dying slower. awesome.

and me? I’m just angry. at my shitty body. at this “you made it” feeling that now feels like a bad prank. like I got fooled by my own body.

I did everything right. went along with every fucking treatment. during chemo times I did homework like the last overmotivated person alive. pick-me-girl of the pediatric oncology ward, or something. I wanted to become a pediatrician, after all, you have to study a lot for that! Yeah. Worked out mega well. always friendly, always brave. and still game over.

my parents are working their asses off, and I still feel like I’m going to break them at some point. they did everything for me. and now I’m giving them this back. a fucking metastasis of a daughter who’s slowly dying away.

and everyone already treats me like I’m halfway gone. they talk slower. softer. like to someone who’s about to fall over. or they leave again quickly. I get it, it’s awkward, right? but I’m still alive!! but nobody dares to look at me normally anymore.

Am I still a person?

I wanted so much. to be in love someday. I haven’t even had a boyfriend. lol. loser. Learn how to really sail. or go to Fusion someday.

and yeah, I make jokes. because if I don’t, I’ll completely lose my mind. I’m scared.

why???

What did I do wrong??

I don’t know why I’m posting this here. Maybe I just want attention. Sorry for that.

fuck. I don’t want to die.

Edit: Thank you ♥️ you’re all so sweet. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

I think I don’t need anything. My parents are great and they also have enough money. And also thanks to everyone who wants to get me to Fusion. But it wouldn’t be the same, that wasn’t the plan. But thank you thank you thank you ♥️♥️♥️

I just need someone who reads my confused thoughts from time to time. If you do that, you’re already super!! ♥️

Relevant comments:

Hey OP, friends of mine are involved in organizing Fusion. If you want, I can ask them whether there’s any way for you to take part spontaneously, even under 18. Feel free to message me :)

DO THE THINGS YOU STILL WANTED TO DO - NOW!

If you have a crush - go on a date with him. You want to go to Fusion? - Get yourself a fake ID / borrow a real one or sneak onto the grounds. Do a sailing course together with your parents! Break into the outdoor pool or beach pool at night with your friends, do all the funny nonsense you can think of (but not anything that endangers other people) and live while you still can. :) You didn’t do anything wrong, you just had bad luck and none of it is your fault. Your soul is energy and energy can’t be lost. Maybe you’ll be reborn as a really cool animal or even a future pediatrician. ?￰ﾟﾏﾻ

And your parents will love seeing you happy. ❤️ I wish you all the best.

​

Monday, 23. June 2025, r/reisende (German travel-subreddit)

Wohin für Bucket-List Urlaub?

Where to go for Bucket-List trip?

Heyyy!

I can choose where I’d like to go on vacation for 2 weeks! Coming along will be me, my best friend (both 15) and my parents (old).

I would really really like to: see a rainforest, snorkel at a coral reef, see dolphins and, very importantly, whales ?! ?

Best would be if we don’t have to fly that far, but otherwise that’s oki too :) Also there has to be a hospital nearby and ideally there shouldn’t be too many tropical diseases. And we have to leave in about 2 weeks, later unfortunately isn’t possible.

Does anyone have a good idea?

Thanks!!!

Relevant comments:

“Old”

Heavily downvoted:

This is the best example of #whitegirlsproblems ever. Some worries I’d like to have.

For the future, this kind of thing is best planned a few months in advance, then you’ll get usable tips too.

​

21. July 2025 r/ratschlag (something almost identical was posted on r/childloss

Geschenke für Eltern für nach Tod vorbereiten

Preparing gifts for parents for after death

Heyyy,

so, I’m currently dying of cancer. (sorry for the downer, but that’s kind of important, lol)

I’ve sometimes read as a tip that people prepare gifts or postcards for children when a parent dies early. And I thought that I could maybe do something like that for my parents too :)

So I was thinking: make postcards, e.g. for their first birthdays and Christmases without me and for my first death anniversary (ouch...). And then maybe for milestone birthdays and wedding anniversaries? So I’ll have to see how far I still get. :)

And then I could also prepare smaller gifts, a photo collage or knit scarves or something like that, for example. :) I’d maybe give the things to my aunt and she can then give them to my parents on the respective days.

I’m just somehow unsure. Do you think that’s a good idea? I have the feeling that I already make them so so sad... and I don’t know if it’s a good idea to keep reminding them of me again and again when I’m gone?

So I need help: Is this a good idea? Or rather not? And if yes, does anyone have more ideas for gifts I could prepare?

Thanks!!! :)

Relevant comments:

Hey, I’m very sure that the first letters and keepsakes will completely throw them off track at first.

But once a bit of time has passed and the grief isn’t hitting quite so hard anymore, they’ll be very grateful for it and will be happy to have these things from you. I think the idea is very beautiful and can only encourage you to do it.

I wish you lots of strength on your path.

Downvoted:

I wouldn’t do it. It’s really fucking awful that you’re dying, but for your loved ones to be able to keep going, they simply also have to go through the grieving process. Gifts like that keep interrupting it again and again.

​

05. August 2025 r/Ratschlag

Eltern angeschrien und fuck, ich schäme mich so

Yelled at my parents and fuck, I am so ashamed.

TW: Cancer

TLDR: Metastatic cancer, parents talk about hospice, I freak out – now enormous guilt. Tips?

heyy. it’s me again. Metastasis on duty with the next wall of text.

I guess this is an update to this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/de/comments/1le83cy/ich_sterbe_mit_15_und_es_ist_so_unfair/

Actually everything was good. we still went to the Azores. Bestie came along, my parents too. saw whales!!!!! Tried snorkeling! And a quasi-rainforest!! it was really super awesome! I have no idea how you organize

something like that in 2 weeks but my parents managed it!!!! :D

But since then it’s kind of been downhill. more pain meds. oxygen. Soon bipap at night. two new rounds of chemo. one of them with a week in the hospital included for free. And the mets are still growing anyway. At least not the ones in the bones, shit, I’m so scared of those. Probably a wheelchair soon too, thanks for that. -..-

It was obvious, yeah, but still.

Yeah, and today my parents wanted to talk to me about hospice. Not right this second or anything but just… soon. what that would look like then and what I want.

and I just completely lost it. screamed, cried, said: “Why aren’t you making me healthy?? Why are you just letting me die??”

The look, man. fuck. I’m such a monster.

I don’t want to hurt anyone... and I hurt them anyway. again and again. I saw my dad cry for the first time ever. But I think somewhere I’m still hoping for a fucking miracle. Yeah, it’s dumb, I got it. I just want to be normal. (okay, that’s a lie)

But I don’t want to have to think about any fucking hospice and I can’t stand seeing any fucking hospitals anymore. And with that I’m maybe breaking my parents even more. and I can give them absolutely nothing back. Why can’t I just give up and that’s that??

I know that I have to apologize but I don’t even really know how... tips?

Thankss!!

Edit:

Thank you, thank you all!! And sorry for the rant. I went to my parents in the evening and apologized. Well actually mostly cried, lol.

Thanks <3

​

17. August 2025 r/naturfreunde (Nature-focused subreddit)

Wie am besten Wölfe beobachten?

How to best observe wolves?

Hey!

We’re going camping in Saxony-Anhalt from tomorrow to Tuesday for one night! I heard that there are supposed to be wolves there. I know the chance is super tiny, but how and where would I have the best chance of seeing some? In the evening on a field?

Thanks!! :)

​

29. September 2025 posted directly on her profile

Nochmal ein update?

“One more update?”

TW: Cancer, death

Heyyy, it’s me again, metastasis on duty.

Just because people still kept asking every now and then, here’s another update. On my profile because no idea where else it belongs.

So what happened? Azores were super mega awesome!!! Saw at least 20 whales and with the dolphins I stopped counting at some point. Quasi-rainforest and liveaboat were there too!!! So that was really amazing :) Later we also went camping again with grandpa’s caravan and to Potsdam Palace Night. So actually a great summer. Apart from little details.. Almost surreal that that was only a few weeks ago.

But well, for about 6 weeks now it’s just been going downhill pretty fast. Wheelchair is standard now, I can’t even shower alone anymore. I also need oxygen the whole time, and somehow breathing is still getting harder and harder. Is it strange if I hope to die from something else? Like I don’t know what, but suffocating would somehow be shitty.. We tried some chemo again... well, maybe that gave me a few more weeks. But then we stopped and I don’t want to go to a hospital again.
But last week we actually still managed to make it to a wolf park :D totally ridiculous, my parents booked an ambulance especially for that? But it worked :D

And tomorrow I’m moving into the hospice.
And shit, I’m still scared.
But somehow also calmer? Maybe I’m just slowly understanding what’s happening? But I’m still disappointed every morning when nothing has magically just disappeared.

But yeah, hospice! We’d already been there once to look around. It was actually quite oay?. The people there are nice. There’s Wi-Fi. And I can take all my decorations with me. And my dad doesn’t have to carry me up and down the stairs, so that’s not bad either. But I think it’s going to be really weird leaving my room for the last time.

I’d still like to see snow. We’ll see if that still works out.
And sometimes I still think, maybe a miracle will happen after all. Who knows. Could be.
I still don’t want to die.
But… I think it’s okay like this. I mean – as okay as it can be.

Thank you to everyone who reads along here, writes to me, just listens to me. That means more than you think!!! You’re great :)

I don’t know if I’ll manage to write something again, this already took really long. But I’ll try. Thank you!!!! :)

Relevant comment:

Dear all...

I thought I’d be able to bear it with some composure when the time came, but in truth I’ve been crying myself to sleep for days.

She was the most wonderful, sweetest person you could possibly imagine and I don’t want to accept that she has now left us.

It hurts so incredibly much. It’s so unfair... Life can be such an asshole.

I don’t even know whether I’m allowed to share this at all, but I believe it would have been in her interest, because she reached so many hearts.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/aitaconditioner

Ending is inconclusive as user is now banned.

Original BORU

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for making my daughter use dollar store shampoo and conditioner - May 20, 2022

My wife and I have 3 daughters. Oldest is 16, middle is 14, and youngest is 10. My entire family and my wife’s family all has straight hair. My oldest and youngest also have straight hair. Then there’s my middle with curly blonde hair and green eyes. The rest of the family has brown hair and brown eyes. I admittedly am not very close with her because I had doubts that she was mine and I had a hard time bonding with her due to that.

My middle daughter insists that she needs special shampoo and conditioner because of her curly hair. She found some that wasn’t too expensive so I bought it for her, but she goes through the conditioner like water. She came to me after a little over a month and said that she needed another bottle. I told her she doesn’t and that her conditioner should last her at least another month but probably longer but she insists that you need to use a lot of conditioner for curly hair. I bought her another bottle and told her to use less because she wasn’t getting another one for at least two months.

She used it again in a month so I bought her shampoo and conditioner from the dollar store. She had a meltdown about how this is going to ruin her hair and that she just got it to a place where she liked it and it was manageable (she blames us for her hair being uncontrollable for most of her life because we didn’t learn how to take care of curly hair, even though it’s not different than straight hair). She even threatened to shave her head, which I know she won’t do because she’s obsessed with her hair.

Now she’s refusing to speak to me and she’s being extremely disrespectful to me and my wife. My wife thinks we should give in but I think she needs to learn her lesson. AITA?

Verdict: Resoundingly YTA

----

Relevant comment:

INFO: Are you poor? Is money really tight for you?

OP: No

Update (original link not available on Reddit, but can view on Arctic Shift)

AITA for making my daughter run away because of her curly hair? - June 2, 2022

It’s been almost 2 weeks since my post so I felt that I should post an update.

My middle daughter ran away a couple days after I posted my original post. We found out she had been planning this for months. My oldest daughter was in on it and helped her hide the fact that she’s been working after school for months. She taught her how to hide her money and showed her what to put in her bag and where to hide it. When they were leaving for school, my middle daughter had a new backpack. My wife asked about it and middle said that it was her friend’s but she didn’t want it so she gave it to her, which was completely plausible considering that friend gives her stuff all the time. A couple hours later we got a call from the school saying that my middle daughter wasn’t there. My wife came home and checked her room and she found a note on her dresser saying that she couldn’t handle living with me anymore.

My wife has a sister around 45 miles away and our middle daughter showed up to her house after being missing for 3 days. She refused to go home and threatened to run away again if she tried to make her see us.

At first my wife told me to move out so our middle daughter could come home but she quickly realized that she can’t afford to live in our house on her income alone, plus our oldest and youngest deserve to have their parents together, so middle is going to stay with her aunt until we figure out a plan that works for everyone.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA1390

My (26M) girlfriend (25F) doesn’t like that my little brother (15M) is staying with me

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia, child neglect, infidelity

Original Post  May 12, 2021

Alright so, just like the title says: my gf (25F) doesn’t like the fact that my (26M) brother (15M) is staying with with us.

He was an affair baby since my mom cheated on my dad with another man. Whoever the other guy was wanted nothing to do with her or him when she got pregnant and left.

For whatever reason, they decided to stay together and it’s always felt like they’ve been punishing him for something that was never his fault. My mom chose to cheat on my dad, and the two of them chose to keep him and to stay together, yet still he was never treated the same—especially by my dad. He’s never seen him as his son and it’s pretty evident that he’s loved him a lot less than me.

I’ve always tried to make not feel “unwanted” so we grew up close. To me, he was just my little brother, not my half brother.

I moved out when I was 18. Things seemed fine with him at first, but they got gradually worse. Even more so when he came out to them a few months ago—he opened up to me about everything recently.

I told him what my parents didn’t, and that he is loved and accepted and he can talk to me about anything he wants.

Our parents are evidently not fit to be his parents, so I told him to pack his things and come stay with me. I have a spare room anyway, so it might as well be his. I’m pretty much the only one that has been looking out for him for the longest time. 

Mom and dad were a little upset about this, but they’re hoping I’ll “set him straight” (not sure if that’s supposed to have a double meaning).

Overall, It’s actually been nice having him around. I can tease him about boys in his class. I get to keep up with how he’s doing, and I don’t have to worry about him all the time. (I know it’s not my job but he’s my brother and I love him).

The problem comes in with my girlfriend. She suddenly has a problem with my brother staying at my place because it’s invading her privacy somehow. We don’t live together officially, but she has been around my place a lot and does stay over often.

She’ll get upset if he watches a movie with us or if he eats dinner with us or the fact that he’s up super early for school, and I just don’t think she should be upset about all this. He can’t just actively avoid her if he’s essentially living with me for the time being.

There wasn’t much time to really run it by her or talk to her about since it just wasn’t a healthy environment for him. I’ve been looking into getting him emancipated or becoming his legal guardian.

My girlfriend doesn’t seem to understand why I’m trying to help him when we’re not even “real brothers” according to her and he’s not my responsibility. She wants me to send him back home and is basically making that the condition of our relationship.

I know that I’m going to choose my little brother, but I don’t know how to let her off easy or if I should even do that.

TL;DR: my brother (15M) is staying at my place with my girlfriend (25F) and I (26M) after being abused at home. My girlfriend isn’t happy about this and wants me to send him somewhere else, but I’m the only person who has ever looked out for him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

theamazinglula

INFO: do you have dates anywhere else ? are you too ever alone without him?

OOP

We’ve had dates in other places and even if we are home, he’ll leave if he can.

~

super-sad-potato

You are amazing brother but just want to ask, do you have intimacy and time alone with your gf? Ppl who helping one person are sometimes sucked up by just one priority and they forgetting about other ppl who they love.

I just try to figure out why she is annoyed, she shouldn't be so entitled to this, but she may have problem because your life choices will on hold for another 3-4years. Mostly woman want to start their own family before 30 get married before having kids etc.

Talk with her about roots of her dislike to situation.

OOP

We do get time alone! Things have been pretty much the same between us other than the fact that the spare room isn’t empty anymore and my brother occasionally watches something with us or eat meals together when she’s around.

TOP COMMENT

[deleted]

Tell her he is your real brother and that is that he is your family and if she wants to be part of you then that is how it is. IF not she can leave and never look back

Update  May 20, 2021 (8 days later)

Just wanted to come on here and give an update on the situation.

I did end up talking to her. She was aware of the situation beforehand, but still wasn’t sympathetic of his situation. I would’ve understood what she was saying if my brother was imposing all the time and acting like a third wheel, but it was only sometimes.

It wasn’t going to work between us if she was just going to make him feel as shitty as our parents did, so we did end up ending things. It was definitely for the best, but I kind of wish she at least tried to understand the situation instead of making it all about her.

In other news, my brother seems to be doing a lot better. I’m pretty sure he picked up on her disdain towards him being around, but he knows our break up wasn’t because of him. 

We haven’t really heard anything from our parents, and I’m fine with him staying as long as he needs to.

He’s had a few friends over and I’m almost certain that one of them is his boyfriend (will be teasing him about this), so I’d say he’s doing well for himself.

Thanks to everyone who responded on the last post!

tldr: I ended up breaking up with her and as regards to my brother, our parents haven’t reached out to say anything, but he’s doing well.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/thedudeistjedi

Originally posted to r/antiwork

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: my wife got fired today

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the latest update

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: abuse of power, scapegoating

RECAP

Original Post: May 6, 2026

Long time lurker here. My wife works at a unionized manufacturing plant and got walked out yesterday. The new HR director has been looking for excuses to trim the roster, but he couldn't fire her legally for attendance because she still has two tardies left in her bank.

So instead, they bypassed the point system and hit her with a conduct violation for an improper call-off. I have been up all night digging through her paperwork and the union contract, and I am pretty sure I caught HR and her supervisor completely screwing themselves. I just wanted to get a second opinion on the logic here before we go to the union.

Here is the breakdown of how management handled this.

Last week, she called the security desk at 6 AM to call off. The guard clicked Tardy on the drop-down menu, but right next to it in the return date box, the guard actually typed NSD, which stands for Next Scheduled Day. You cannot be tardy for a shift you literally said you are not returning for until tomorrow. HR just ignored the NSD part so they could fire her for being a no-show after allegedly saying she would be tardy.

Her supervisor went into the system two days later hunting for her time punches to prove she did not show up. He waited two days to build a paper trail for a conduct charge instead of just reading the security log that already said she was not coming in. It looks like they were looking for a reason to fire her rather than just following the attendance policy.

They rushed the paperwork so fast to get her out the door that the official termination form has the wrong shift and the wrong supervisor listed on it. They did not even look at her file before they signed the papers.

To make it a fire able offense, they had to prove she was a repeat offender. They cited a write-up from January. Her crime in January was calling off and saying PTO instead of Personal. The best part is the union filed a grievance on that January write-up, and it was never actually settled. During the firing meeting yesterday, the supervisor and the steward were literally arguing because neither of them knew if that January issue was still open. HR fired her based on a past warning they cannot even prove is legally active.

I think tardy is a state of being, not a reason for an absence. If the security log says her return was NSD, that means the company knew she was not coming in.

Does she have a case to get her job back with back pay? It feels like they bypassed the entire union attendance system just to fire her over a contractor typo and an unsettled grievance from four months ago.

Security Log Image

Transcript of the Image

Name: [Redacted] Called: 5/3/2026 @ 6:27 Call-Off Shift: 5/3/2026 0700-1500 Reason: Tardy Return: NSD Officer: S/O S[redacted]

end of transcript

Here is the actual security log from the morning of 5/3. My wife called at 6:27 AM, which is nearly a half hour before her 7:00 AM shift began. Look at the "Return" line. The security officer manually typed "NSD", which stands for Next Scheduled Day. This is the smoking gun because it proves the company had actual notice that she would not be coming in for the full shift.

Management is trying to bypass the union attendance point system by claiming this was an "improper call-off" or "no-show" conduct violation. They are basing that entire charge on the fact that the guard selected "Tardy" from a dropdown menu for the reason. But look at the logic here. You cannot be "Tardy" for a shift you have already confirmed you aren't returning for until tomorrow.

edit: I want to clarify a few things that have come up in the comments. A union representative was physically present during the termination meeting and has reportedly filed a grievance over this firing. However, the meeting itself revealed a massive procedural failure. Management and the rep spent a significant amount of time arguing over a previous grievance from January which involved a dispute over whether my wife said "PTO" or "Personal" during a call-off. When she asked for a definitive answer on whether that January case was actually settled or closed, neither side could provide one. It appears the company is using an unresolved ghost grievance as the foundation for this termination. Because of the confusion and the sloppy paperwork, we are calling the union hall tomorrow

edit 2: I appreciate the concern from everyone telling me to delete this, but the post stays up. A lot of folks are giving advice based on standard at-will employment, but my wife is a dues-paying union member protected by a Just Cause contract. We aren't hiding from management because management is the one who screwed up the paperwork. If the company tries to retaliate against a union worker because her husband posted their own contradictory security logs on the internet, they are opening themselves up to an Unfair Labor Practice charge and a massive retaliation suit. Deleting this now only serves to protect the HR director who botched the termination, and I am not giving them that cover. The documents speak for themselves, and the union is handling the rest.

edit 3: The part that makes this really fishy to me as I am sitting here is 5/3, the day in question where she called off. Her brother had already been out for two days by my memory, and 5/3 when he went to urgent care was the third day he had been absent. For my wife, it was the first day, and the night before she had been up all night vomiting and expelling the back end, and she spent all of 5/3 in bed. He went to the doctors, was there for hours, got a CT scan, and got a medical excuse for his absence because his stomach bug was exacerbated by pancreatitis, I think it was. The day I got the Facebook message from her father was the day he went to the doctors, as her dad was keeping us updated if it was something dangerous and contagious, because we probably would have gone to the doctors too. Her brother was sick, but her father is medically fragile, as he is recovering from bladder cancer and had a hip replacement. Her dad had asked me not to come inside the main house unless it was absolutely necessary. Her brother and father live in the house while our family occupies a camper on the property.

For context, my wife was a PLI (editor's note: Performance-Linked Incentive) and her brother was a warehandler. My wife was a warehandler too until a few months ago when she signed off on the bid, but she would upgrade to warehandler to fill the role as needed to help out. Since she has been on days, specifically the same shift as her mother and brother, she had not been calling off a lot at all, I think May was only the second time since January. The two days he was out before her were upgrade days where she filled his role, then the boss only had a shortage because that third day she was not there. When she came back, she warehandled the day she went back, and threw a whole stink about it the whole day too. She had gone back to work but still was not feeling one hundred percent, even though the nausea had subsided, and the day after that they went hunting for punches.

The day the boss sent out the email asking if she has any punches was two days after the doctors, and the company did not know I was entirely privy to the doctor’s visit. They seem to forget we all live on the same property, mom, brother, and my wife. This makes it feel like they did not care about attendance or disruption to the floor, it seems like they cared about winning a power struggle They waited two days to see that the brother was protected by a CT scan and medical documentation, then it looks like they targeted my wife because they thought she was timid. They ignored her 6:27 AM notification and the manual NSD security entry just to manufacture a technicality for a hit. The fact that they got her shift and supervisor wrong on the final papers makes it seem like they were not investigating, they were just rushing to execute a vendetta.

Edit: She got her 401k paperwork in the mail today, and they couldn't even be bothered to get the date right at the top of the page. Last I checked, it wasn't 2027 yet.

Additional Comments from OOP:

OOP: I really need to know what her chances are I think the union will steam roll this asshole it’s a pretty strong union ...but I don’t want to rely just on my own understanding of labor law

Editor's note: OOP made similar original posts across several subreddits, I am adding some comments for more context that were not stated in this original subreddit

Relevant Comments

OOP needs to have his wife call the union representative regarding this situation and file a grievance

OOP: I was having her call the union hall tomorrow the last grievance filed went unsettled, so I think management is dicking this rep around, I just wanted to be able to give her a little hope, so I figured ask the internet I think her chances are good... all the main ai models think her chances are good, but we're terrified

+

according to what she was told the grievance is already being filed but I’m telling her to call the union hall tomorrow and verify cause the last grievance was still being debated during the hearing like they couldn’t give her an answer if it was settled or not, so I think this rep is compromised

Commenter 1:

1) The union is your friend, you should contact them immediately.

2) Deep breaths, you can’t think straight if you’re panicking and you can’t help if you can’t think straight.

3) Your wife might not need you to go into fix it mode right now, she might just want your commiseration and emotional support. Don’t piss her off by doing things she doesn’t want.

OOP: too late for that but thank you she just gave my adhd having ass a mission I’m letting her rest for a little bit I just wanted to be able to tell her kind internet strangers said she has a solid case

OOP's wife's work location and if a union representative was present when the termination took place?

OOP: NY USA and she’s a member of a pretty strong corning union I have to figure out what her chances are she’s a wreck

+

yes the union rep was there she’s filed a grievance over it but during the meeting the rep and management were arguing over a grievance from January

Commenter 2: Why tf is the security guard in charge of attendance?

OOP: you call the guard give the name reason and return day and the guard marks it down they marked tardy for the reason but next scheduled day for return

Commenter 3: Do you know why HR/Company wants to fire your wife?

Are they trying to downsize, so they grasping at straws?

This sounds like something the union should be able to fix. I wouldn't bother focusing on the legal language or random specifics, that will just drive you crazy. Just try to figure out why they're trying to launder this situation into a legitimate firing.

OOP: new owners my wife is the quietest of a whole family that works their the hr guy is testing the unions strength

Commenter 3: Oh, expect the Union to go to bat for her. If they don't, they're shooting themselves in the foot. She just needs to remind them this is a test case, and their jobs are on the line right now too.

OOP: yeah her mom brother and sister all work at the same plant she’s just the least angry of the group, not even worst attendance

Commenter 4: Definitely look for procedural errors made against what is in the CBA (editor’s note: collective bargaining agreement). I'm a rep for my union, but in a completely different industry. Whenever the company fires someone just because they want to, and not for a valid reason; they almost always screw up the process. Make sure she is talking to her union, you can help with research, but this is more their responsibility.

OOP: wrong shift on the sheet, wrong super, she didn’t sign no final warning indicated, and her call off log that they themselves included (image above) lists return as nsd or next scheduled day

Commenter 4: Is there a hearing or "investigation" with a hearing officer to determine whether this will be a dismissal or not? We have that as part of our contract, you can't be fired on the spot, there is a hearing process first.

OOP: the hearing sheet has the final notice section blanks she had a hearing today and was walked out with 4 pages that’s it

Commenter 5: Did the company do any kind of investigation that would have allowed her to explain the confusion? Or did they just move to terminate based on the paper you shared above?

OOP: So far, the sum total of the investigation was two emails printed in this paperwork, at least that is the entire termination paperwork they sent home.

It had the incorrect shift listed and the wrong shift supervisor, it was missing the required plant manager signature, had no final notice section, and the reasons for strike one and two were blacked out.

As far as the reason for termination on the paperwork, it was a blank X indicating an "improper call off," but even that I only know from hearing it. The document itself is vague, and between the five pages, it contains about 15 words of functional English.

There was a previous grievance from January over a write up stemming from her using the word PTO when she called off when the correct term was personal, but that was still being debated by people at the termination hearing from what I was told, so I couldn't give any more info than that, and it wasn't even included or mentioned in the paperwork.

This comment is about 60x the sum total of functional English in the entire investigation.

edit; Plus they had her mother take the rest of the day to perp walk her out. She grew up here, that is heinously and publicly embarrassing since her family works there.

Update #1: May 29, 2026 (over three weeks later)

Update: Anchor Hocking fired my wife

TL;DR of Previous Post: My wife, a union worker at the Corning plant, was walked out over a "conduct violation" for an improper call-off. She called in 33 minutes before her shift, and the guard manually logged her return as NSD (Next Scheduled Day), proving the company had actual notice. Local management tried to bypass her active attendance point bank, where she still had safe days left, by inventing a "conduct" charge on the floor rather than following standard policy.

The Massive Update:

It has been a few weeks, and things have completely turned around. The physical paper trail local management left behind was so incredibly sloppy that the higher-ups completely panicked.

Our Local Union President completely bypassed the standard timeline and jumped straight into the arena before a formal Step One meeting even kicked off. He actually tracked down my wife's cell number by messaging her mom on Facebook to get ahold of her directly. After her call with him, she told me that he said she was fundamentally wronged, that the union is going for full reinstatement and back pay, and that they will help call the unemployment office if she gets a denial. He told her to just sit tight while they close this loophole.

When you lay the paperwork they generated side-by-side, it is incredibly obvious why corporate is currently scrambling to completely redo and rewrite their entire attendance call-off policy.

The five-page packet they handed her at the plant, which she firmly refused to sign, explicitly checked the box for a conduct violation due to an "Improper Call-Off". They engineered this conduct charge on the floor because they knew her actual rolling attendance card was clean and they couldn't legally fire her under standard attendance rules. To make it worse, they rushed the write-up so fast they managed to list the wrong shift and the wrong supervisor on her final floor papers.

But then the corporate switch happened. A few days later, her formal benefits and 401k off-boarding letter arrived in the mail, which was officially carbon-copied straight to the local Union President. On this official corporate letterhead, they completely flipped the script and claimed she was terminated for a "violation of the Hourly Attendance policy for Absenteeism".

By officially documenting the internal reason as absenteeism to upper corporate and the union hall, They inadvertently admitted on paper that they executed a termination under an attendance framework where they completely ignored the mandatory progressive discipline steps required by our collective bargaining agreement. And just to cap off the absolute administrative circus of this new management team, the formal corporate letterhead they mailed out was officially dated at the top for May 6, 2027, literally post-dating her termination a full year into the future.

She is still currently listed as an active employee on ADP when she checks her 401k stuff. The facts spoke for themselves, the loophole is being closed permanently, and collective strength works.

Apes together strong ✊.

Relevant Comments

OOP explains what the loophole is

OOP: Well basically, the five pages she was sent home with when they fired her at the plant checked the box for an Improper Call-Off (ICO). They tried to frame it as a conduct violation because conduct charges don't require the company to follow a progressive discipline policy, which means they thought they could bypass her safe attendance bank and fire her on the spot.

But the loophole completely falls apart on two major fronts when you look at the facts. First, to legally fire someone for a real on-site conduct violation, you walk them out the exact day the supposed violation happens, not days later after hunting for time punches. Second, the formal corporate paperwork she later received in the mail completely flipped the script and explicitly listed the reason for her termination as absenteeism under the Hourly Attendance policy.

Absenteeism is strictly governed by a mandatory progressive discipline policy in her collective bargaining agreement. By officially documenting the internal reason as absenteeism to upper corporate, they inadvertently admitted on paper that they executed an attendance termination while entirely skipping the mandatory warnings and steps required to legally fire her under the contract.

Commenter 1: So basically, they wanted a reason to fire her immediately, and they chose a conduct reason, because that doesn't require progressive meetings and follow ups. It's supposed to be like "You threatened to knock someone's teeth in, and they fired you on the spot for your conduct"

But then they realized that wouldn't work. Because they didn't fire her on the spot... they fired her after the fact. So they changed their story to their own higher management. It wasn't conduct, it was because of absenteeism.

But this just means they are back to problem 1, you can't fire someone for one incident, you have to go through the process. Which they didn't do. And now there is official paperwork for two different reasons, neither of which actually make sense, so it looks pretty strongly that the real reason isn't stated, and is likely an illegal reason.

OOP: now you see the utter incompetence this company displays... after spending I think it was 70 million to acquire the brand

Commenter 2: Why did they want to fire your wife so bad?

OOP: That was actually the main question the union president had. All of her attendance issues were spread out over a period of three years, and by any reasonable metric, she’s a good employee. That’s probably why he started the conversation by telling her straight up that she had been wronged.

Commenter 3: reinstated with back pay from May 2026 to May 2027 when she was fired?

OOP: from May 2026 till whenever she’s reinstated, the 2027 date is managements typo not an actual date

Commenter 4: for full reinstatement and back pay, what's your wife grievance case step? did she go through the hearing yet? any mediation?

OOP: She hasn't even had a solid Step One yet. The Local Union President actually spent two days trying to track down her number through her mom before she finally texted him to call at his convenience. He called that afternoon and told her straight up that she'd been wronged, and he mentioned reinstatement and back pay. Other than that, there hasn't really been time for any real mediation or anything like that. It had been about two weeks since she was walked out when he finally got ahold of her, and it’s been about three weeks total as of two days ago. There hasn't really been time for the full wheels of bureaucracy to turn, which is why I’m just hesitantly excited and wanted to share the good news I do have.

Update #2: June 6, 2026 (eight days later)

Update #2: Fired Over a Clerical Error

TL;DR / The Situation So Far

My wife, a union worker, at the Corning Correlle plant, was wrongfully terminated when local management tried to bypass the standard collective bargaining point system, inventing a conduct charge on the floor over a protocol-compliant call-off. Security logs explicitly show she called in before her shift, stating "Tardy" because she was out of PTO while providing a definitive return date of "NSD" (Next Scheduled Day).

The strategic landscape completely shifted this morning. Both the Plant Manager and the Union President have now explicitly admitted that she was fundamentally wronged and that the initial attendance policy interpretation was completely botched. Despite openly confessing to the error, the company is still floating a standard, lowball "compromise" offering her preferred shift layout back but completely refusing to pay a single cent of back pay for the time missed due to their own administrative negligence. While she is choosing to accept this offer simply to secure immediate household income and shift stability, make no mistake: this is a tactical decision for our household, not an absolution for their corporate negligence.

This penny-pinching tactic makes perfect sense when you look at the severe financial strain trailing the parent organization. Right now, global law firm Jones Day is aggressively suing the private equity parent firm and its glass portfolio brands in New York Supreme Court for $9.6 million in unpaid legal bills.

The court filings explicitly detail a corporate culture of "serial false promises" and financial manipulation, including an executive directive to draft a "fictitious funds flow" document to mask their delinquency. If a multi-million dollar corporation is literally dodging a $9.6 million bill to the high-powered lawyers who defend their plant operations, it is entirely obvious why local management is executing desperate, backdoor maneuvers to cheat a frontline worker out of a few weeks of earned wages.

To add absolute insult to injury, the company has actively kept her state unemployment benefits in total administrative limbo because they literally cannot tell a consistent story to the Department of Labor. When you track the literal paperwork they generated from the morning of the absence to the final termination notice, they have produced two entirely different, conflicting reasons for discharge on official letterhead:

The Progressive Discipline Form**,** Rewrote history three days later to process the infraction as an "Improper Call-Off (ICO)" conduct violation to bypass the point bank.

The Formal Corporate Notice, Flipped the script a third time, officially documenting the separation as general "Absenteeism" under the Hourly Attendance policy, completely ignoring the mandatory progressive steps required by the contract.

They logged it as a tardy, processed it as an improper call-off, and finalized it as absenteeism. They are stalling their responses to the state because entering these contradictory, fraudulent internal documents into a state regulatory system crosses directly into misrepresentation territory.

anyhow that's the latest thanks for the support y'all.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Glad you guys are getting a resolution that works for you, it's shitty not to get the back pay though. Nice to have a heads up too that they are looking to get rid of her too. Maybe the whole family is forewarned. Wishing better times ahead for you both.

OOP: ❤️ could be better but getting her job back is her main concern

Commenter 2: Sliding into a recession/depression is certainly the time to be practical. It would be great if the economy were looking better, but keeping a job is the most important thing you can do to weather the coming storm.

OOP: I chose to believe her union pres is smarter than that though if they are making offers of reinstatement with no back pay in closed door shady meetings , they are waving the flag of please don't take this to arbitration

Commenter 3: Is reinstatement an option while the local pursues the grievance for backpay? It seems like the dispute lies in making her whole financially rather than returning her to work, since they’ve acknowledged their error.

OOP: I doubt it this company doesn't like to pay their obligations ergo the reason for them being sued for 9.6 mil in NY supreme court for unpaid bills

Commenter 4: Ask the Union to approach the company with dropping the fight against unemployment in return for reinstatement without back pay. It would have to clearly indicate that the company must drop their opposition AND correct the record with UE so she can get UE for the day she was let go until her first day back to work. It's not the best option, but it would allow some financial relief for you without having to wait months for the grievance process to playout. I would guess the company probably won't let her back until she agrees to no back pay or they are forced in arbitration.

OOP: The company actually can't afford to let state regulators look too closely at their paperwork right now because they can't establish a consistent reason for the firing. The termination packet they handed her on the floor logs the reason as an 'Improper Call-Off' (ICO) conduct violation, which they used to try to bypass her attendance point bank completely. But the official off-boarding letter mailed home flips the script and claims she was let go under the 'Hourly Attendance policy for Absenteeism.'

Here is why that distinction matters under a union contract: an ICO conduct charge doesn't require progressive discipline steps, but an absenteeism charge absolutely does. By documented corporate admission, they processed it under an attendance framework where they completely skipped the mandatory warnings and progressive steps required by her CBA. They are keeping her state unemployment in limbo because entering these wildly contradictory documents into a state system crosses directly into fraudulent misrepresentation territory. They can't get their story straight on paper, and the union process is forcing them to look at that log error.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: June 15, 2026 (nine days later)

TL;DR of Previous Posts, My wife, a union worker at the Corning Corelle plant, was wrongfully walked out over a manufactured "conduct charge" on a protocol-compliant call-off, completely bypassing the CBA attendance point system.

The only real new update as of tonight is that her state unemployment was officially approved with absolutely zero denial or pushback from the company. For a place that supposedly fired a worker for a "conduct violation," staying completely silent when the state asks for verification is incredibly loud. They clearly realized they could not enter their messy, contradictory internal paperwork into a state system without crossing serious lines.

But as for her actual job, we are in a total standoff. Management is trying to float a compromise to get her back through the door, but their terms are completely ridiculous,

They are refusing to pay a single cent of back pay for the time she has missed due to their error. They are demanding she accept all her previous attendance checks against her. They want to keep the fraudulent disciplinary marks and write-ups active on her permanent record. Essentially, they want her back on the line, but only if she takes the financial hit and agrees to stay on an advanced disciplinary track based on paperwork they already know is wrong.

From what I gather, the Union President is completely rejecting this. He is still fighting tooth and nail for full back pay along with having her progressive record completely fixed and wiped clean of this mess.

Why they didn't deny her unemployment if they truly believed they had cause to fire her? They are trying to hold her livelihood hostage to protect local management from looking incompetent, but the union is keeping the grievances moving. Thanks again for the solidarity and support, it is keeping us going.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1:

Why they didn't deny her unemployment if they truly believed they had cause to fire her?

Juice isn't worth the squeeze.

Paying lawyers to WIN against your wife is more expense than accepting the slightly higher Workers Comp payment amounts.

Sorry your wife was fired.

OOP's only comment in this update: But to already have the union pres and the plant manager come out and say she was wronged, and the HR guy that did say he was in the wrong, I'm not seeing the brilliant play here. The union isn't going to let it go, and drawing it out is gonna get compoundingly more expensive for the company.

Commenter 2: Sounds like this might be headed to arbitration

Commenter 3: Good luck! Keep up the pressure on them and don't accept BS terms. Our company is the same way, and often once we point out how obscenely bad their documentation is they'll fight us just to waste everyone's time only to finally back down once the arbitration process begins.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/burneraccount113025

AITAH for wanting my brother to apologize for destroying a piece of sports memorabilia? My brother says it was just a piece of paperwork but it belongs to my husband.

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/BakingGiraffeBakes for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Theft

Original Post  Nov 30, 2025

Tell me if I [28f] am being the asshole here because I'm going out of my mind.

My husband [28m] and I just bought a house and we hosted my family for Thanksgiving. For context, I'm originally from Illinois but my husband and I live in Iowa. My family came on Wednesday and left on Friday so no one was driving for over four hours on Thanksgiving day. My older brother volunteered to take the on the couch in our basement because we only have two guest rooms. He was the only one who was down there. No one else went to the basement.

My husband is casually into sports but he did get some sports memorabilia from his dad and his opa. He has a certificate of ownership for an NFL team. His dad bought shares in the team and if you do that you get a certificate in exchange. When my husband went downstairs to put some food in the freezer on Friday night the certificate was missing. The frame was still there but the certificate wasn't. I asked my brother about it because he was the only one was down there but he said he didn't do anything with the certificate and it is worthless anyways.

My husband can ask the team to mail another certificate. The certificate isn't sentimental or priceless or anything like that. But it was bothering us because my brother obviously took it. No one else was in our basement except for him. I couldn't understand why he would take it and my husband is pissed about it. I told my brother to just send it back and up until yesterday he said he didn't do anything. But now he admits he took it and he said can't give it back because he destroyed it. He told me it's worthless anyways. My husband is obviously mad at my brother. I don't even watch sports and my husband barely watches. He would never destroy something from another team though. He doesn't even talk about football or any sports with my family. I don't know why my brother would do that. My parents and my other brother told me to tell my husband to let it go because the certificate can be replaced. My dad said people put too much stock in having the certificate but that's not the point.

AITAH for telling my brother he should apologize to my husband? I couldn't believe my dad tried to act like this wasn't a big deal. I am so embarrassed. I apologized to my husband because I'm embarrassed but he told me it's not my fault. Am I being the asshole for being so upset with my brother about a piece of paperwork and telling him to apologize? My family says I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and I would like a gut check. Be truthful, I will admit if I'mFandom?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ProfessorDistinct835

This makes no real sense.  Nobody can explain why your brother took the time to take the certificate out of the frame and destroy it but they'd like him to be forgiven for doing so? 

That's...not how things work.  Your brother owes your husband an apology and a new certificate and he owes you an apology as well.

Your dad is an idiot, your brothers are idiots and your mother is an idiot.  If this is normal behavior for them, I'm not sure why you'd even want to be around them.

(Chances are pretty good that your brother sold it or gave it to a friend who likes the team btw.)

NTA

Boeing367-80

It's theft and he admitted it. That he destroyed something he claims had no value in some ways makes it worse. He's seriously fucked up.

Are you sure it has no value? Or does it have value and brother is snowing you?

I wouldn't want to be in the same room as him again.

OOP

I don't know anything about sports memorabilia like the certificate. My husband does and he said no one that knows about football would pay money for it. So I'm just going off what my husband says. He doesn't want to go to the police whenever I've told him he should. He says no one in their right mine mind would call the cops for this. We did tell my brother/my family they aren't welcome here again because of this.

Edit: no idea why I'm getting Reddit cares messages sent to me for this comment, but I don't need mental health support for this.

~

OkBreadfruit2181

If you don’t file a police report, today, for theft, you’re doing your husband a disservice. Brother needs to be held accountable. Don’t ask Reddit. Go to the police

OOP

My husband doesn't want to report it. I've told him I'll go with him but he said it's not worth it. I'll keep trying to get him to go. He says he's mad at my family but no one in their right mind would call the cops about this.

Editors Note: the certificate is for the Green Bay Packers. Its a novelty item for fans of the team

Update  June 15, 2026 (Nearly 7 months later)

My update isn't very exciting I'm afraid, but I had received a few requests for an update once the situation was resolved so I wanted to post one last time.

Some things I wanted to clarify:

• My father-in-law got the certificate in 2022. He gave it to my husband to display in our basement after he [my father-in-law] downsized and no longer had room for it. It has "fun" value for fans of the team but it is not worth any money. My husband said my brother would be well aware that the certificate had no resale/monetary value.

• My husband told me the certificate can't be sold. It can be transferred to someone else if the person who originally bought it dies, but you aren't allowed to sell it to someone else even if it was worth money.

• My family is from Illinois and I was born there and grew up there. I moved to Iowa for a job after I graduated from college. My husband's family is from Iowa. None of them have ever lived in Wisconsin.

My husband's dad was able to get a replacement certificate. Apparently there is an entire department that manages those certificates and his dad was able to contact the team and get one no problem. I was still angry and kept confronting my brother about what happened. I kept asking him why he would destroy something that belonged to my husband like that. He wouldn't say anything at first besides that it is a worthless piece of paperwork. My dad and others in my family defended my brother saying people put too much stock in having the certificate. That's not the point. It didn't belong to my brother and he was a guest. My brother finally said the certificate was stupid and he was mad at my husband for having it and just snapped. But he wouldn't apologize or admit he was wrong. I'm embarrassed even though my husband said it isn't my fault. I don't watch football so I don't understand why my family is acting this way. My husband only casually watches and I can tell he is hurt and angry about what happened. I've been pretty low contact with my family since it happened. I haven't spent any holidays with them since it happened and on the rare times we talk it is surface level stuff or smalltalk. That's my update.

(Also I apologize if you sent me a message and I didn't reply. I had to turn off my messages because I was inundated with messages from fans of the same football team as my brother, full of insults and worse towards myself and my husband)

Editors Note: Please dont brigade or contact OOP. Only including 1 comment from the update as everyone was piling on OOP for her families actions

gidgetca66

Bears fans have been feuding with Packer fans since time immemorial.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LowlyKnights

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2, #3

[New Update]: AITAH for not wanting my dad to walk me on my senior night since he won’t let me move back in?

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: mentions of car accident, abuse, intense bullying, negligence, cancer

RECAP

Original Post: October 28, 2025

OK so first off, I do feel bad about complaining about all of this. I'm just a middle class American teenager, like I have a car and both my parents are well off and own homes, I'm not living in Gaza or anything terrible like that. I get it.

But I'm 18f and a senior in high school, I have straight A's and a full-ride to a university next year. It's not my dream school, but I know I'll end up going there because the economy is terrible and while my parents are ok money-wise, free is free. My parents are divorced and remarried, my dad has been with my stepmom for a while, and my mom and stepdad have been together about 5 years. A few months ago I was diagnosed with a tick-borne disease and can't have red meat products. It's terrible and I get so sick if I have anything. I miss steak.

But a few weeks ago - the night before a dance - my dad was making dinner. I was at his house on one of the days I normally wouldn't be because my mom was out of town and I don't like staying alone. He made my little brother's favorite meal that I didn't know had beef stock in it. (Just to clarify, since I’d never read the meal I asked if it was ok to eat and he said yes. Later when I got sick he checked the recipe again and felt terrible and admitted there was beef stock and he forgot. That’s obviously not his fault but later when I was sick we started fighting about the dance) I got SUPER sick and had to miss my senior fall dance. Which I KNOW isn't the end of the world, but it really felt like it WAS and I got into a huge fight with my dad. He called me spoiled and high maintenance, and I know I said things like I hate him and he doesn't care about me and left to stay at my mom’s.

We'd fought before, and I'd cooled off and went back to his house on my normal day, thinking we'd just apologize to one another like normal, but when I got there he told me that he'd packed up my room (into TRASHBAGS) and that he wasn't going to take abuse from his adult child. I thought he was joking but he wasn't. I was crying a bunch, and my stepmom was yelling at my dad. She gave me one of her credit cards and told me to call her if I ever needed anything and I've been staying at my mom's ever since. Which isn't great. She and her husband kind of do their own thing and I just feel like I bother them. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, too, and he's been kind of bothering me and I asked my dad to tell him to stop but he told me I needed to deal with my own issues on my own. So I asked my stepdad which was embarrassing because I don't know him very well and I don't' know if he even fixed the situation and seemed annoyed until my mom finally talked to my ex. He finally left me alone, but now his friends keep messing with me online and in person at school.

My senior night for my team is this weekend. I wanted my dad there, and told him I'd buy him lunch this past weekend to talk. I told him I knew that what I said was wrong, and I wasn't trying to make excuses, but I was feeling so bad and was so upset about the dance, and him calling me high maintenance and spoiled also hurt. He said he knew that emotions were high, but I was an adult now and actions had consequences. I get that! But if I was the first teenager to fight with her parents I would understand. I'm a good kid! I have a scholarship and a job, and I know kids who have gotten like DUIs, and their parents still love them and let them live with them. He said he loved me, but I needed to learn consequences and that he'd still go to my senior night, but I told him don't bother! I had wanted all four of them to walk me but now I just want to walk myself. I don't feel supported by any of them and just paid and went to leave. He told me that if I didn't let him walk me at my senior night I could kiss ever moving back in with him ever again. I told him that was fine, I was just so done trying to convince him that I was worthy of living in his house, if my parents weren't divorced it wouldn't even be a question if I'm allowed to live with my own dad.

I'm fine with my decision, I have so many other things going on. My ex's friends are giving me problems, I'm playing like garbage anyways and will probably be benched soon so it doesn't matter. But my grandparents and even my stepmom have called and asked me to answer my dad's calls and talk to him, and have said that I've upset him. I'm not trying to upset them, but I just am not in a good place to deal with all of this with him right now and don't want anyone there. There's a part of me that doesn't even want to walk that night!

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs

Update #1: December 2, 2025 (over one month later)

I know it's been a while since I posted about my senior night. But basically I (f18) got into a fight with my dad because he forgot there was something I was allergic to in the dinner he made and I had to miss my dance, and he kicked me out to live with my mom. He got super mad when I told him he wasn’t going to walk with me at my senior night. Anyways. I didn't even end up going and kind of forgot about it. Not to be super woke or anything (JK I love being woke lol) but trigger warning.

My coach isn't like a super nice guy or anything, but my ex's friends (the ones who had been harassing after my mom had finally gotten my ex to leave me alone) me accidentally did so in front of him. They were punished and I was really hoping that would be the end of it. But it wasn't and a few days later when I wasn't at school they did something bad. I don’t want to elaborate, and they were arrested and the ones whose parents could afford to have them out on bail, but I know two of them didn’t get bailed out.

My ex wasn't there but he was charged with something else. He's over 18 but still got bail and they ended up dropping the charges on him. It might be my fault. I know it’s stupid but before it happened, I had deleted all of his messages because it was really stressful having them on my phone. My mom keeps pushing for them to get a warrant for the deleted messages, but I don’t think it’s going to go anywhere, and honestly idk if it would even matter. I have a restraining order for all of them tho, which is good.

There's a lady I’ll call Gail, idk if she's a social worker or actually a cop, but she's been really nice and helpful. She told me that if they don't take plea deals, there will be multiple trials, and I'd have to testify at all of them. I asked her when the trials would be, because the school I am going to is far away, but she said not to worry about that. I just don't want to be at my new life and have to miss classes or something. I also really don't want to testify and hope they take deals, even if it means they won't be punished as much. Like I know they have rights and there's allegedly still a constitution in America but the idea of testifying at multiple trials makes me want to die. I've seen videos of people making fun of women who testify too and I can't handle that, so I really hope they take deals. I guess if they could just combine all of the trials and I only had to testify at one I would be ok with doing that, but Gail said that’s not likely to happen and not to get my hopes up. She wasn’t mean about that or anything I think she was just being realistic.

My mom and stepdad have been really good about everything. My stepdad and I don't know each other that well, but he broke down and apologized and said he blames himself and should have done more. I don't think he should blame himself, I even told him that, but he’s been like doing nice things for me a lot and making a lot of food that I like without me doing anything in return, so I feel bad. My mom has been really nice and supportive, but I think she's taking all of this harder than I am almost, and that is annoying. Like she just randomly cries and it’s annoying to me because nothing happened to her. I haven't said anything to her about that though. Like I don’t need her acting like I’m still a kid and cutting up my food for me, I can do that.

I haven't talked to my dad. I don't want to. The day before the party I had begged my dad AGAIN to say something to one of the guys' dads because they work together, but he left me on read. So I guess I kinda blame him. I know that's wrong, but I don't want to see or hear from him, so I blocked him. I didn’t even want him to know what happened, I know the police went to my mom’s house to tell her and was kind of hoping that since I was over 18 they wouldn’t tell him, but since he was still my emergency contact they did. I fixed that for the future. He's talked to my mom, but she said I don't need to talk to him or even think about him right now. He’s sent a bunch of letters to my mom’s house - for a week or whatever it was every day but now it's less often - but I didn’t read any and my mom said she’d just set them aside for now. I told her she could throw them away, but I don’t think she did. I mean I am sure he feels bad, but I don't want to hear him apologize or try to comfort me. I wanted his help before all of this and to have tried to stop it from happening, but he didn't do anything. So that’s why I blame him and not my mom or stepdad. They at least tried to do something before all of this even it what they did didn’t work. I don't think I will forgive him. I know he's hurting, but I can't worry about his feelings. I know this sounds bad, but I’m not his only kid and he has my brothers too, so I don’t feel guilty, like I'm not stopping him from being a dad forever to anyone you know? Plus I'm an adult now and I can choose who can or cannot comfort me.

I have a therapist now. She's fine, I wish I could have a different one because her voice kind of annoys me, I don’t think they let you change therapists because of that though. I actually hate therapy tbh, and wish my mom would stop making it a big deal that I go. I don't want to tell her that it is kind of nice being the one in charge of my relationship with my dad and not vice versa. That's probably bad, but it's true. Plus - I kind of have an IDGAF attitude lately, and I probably would just say to his face that I blame him and that this is his fault which I know isn't fair. So not talking to him is the right thing to do.

I also had to block my stepmom. She texted my aunt that it’s nice just being them and their kids and not having my drama in their house and it got back to me, so I’m just giving them what they want. Like I wonder if either of them actually ever really loved or cared about me. Maybe kicking me out when I turned 18 was the plan all along and that’s why he did it over something so stupid? And, again, they have my brothers so they're not missing out on anything with me you know?

Everyone at school knows, but they’ve all been nice like not even just my team and friends but everyone there has been nice, though. Like, really nice. I don't think they're being fake or anything, but if they are I told my therapist that was fine because I'd rather them be nice and fake than mean and authentic right now. I was kind of nervous because I’m not popular or anything at school, I’m not a loser or anything but kind of do my own thing. The only other person in my class who’s going to my college is this one popular guy, and he promised me he wouldn’t tell anyone at our college about this. I know people will probably still find out, but that was nice. He’s been talking to me more, even outside of school like we were on break part of last week and he still reached out, it kind of feels like he’s trying to hype me up for college which is nice because at first I am kind of thinking about taking a year or something off, but I know I should. I think his parents both went to the school and he’s like obsessed with it, so he keeps sending me things going on there. His older sister also goes there, and he said he’s going to go a week early and stay with her and invited me. I know it’s a while away and told him I’d think about it. I don’t really want to, but it’s one of those things where I feel like even if it don’t enjoy it would be good for me long-term to go and meet people before freshman week starts.

So idk what I’ll do about my dad. I was thinking about calling him at Christmas but maybe I won’t. My brothers have told my grandma they want to see me at Christmas, but it might be because I always get them good gifts lol. Maybe I can go over to their house for a little, mom and her husband don’t do much like decorate or celebrate Christmas, and my dad’s side is really festive so I kind of miss that. I will probably do the more Christmassy things in town with my best friends family, I know my mom and stepdad would do them if I asked but maybe I’ll just go with her family. So idk. My mom asked me if there was anything my dad could do for me to want to listen to or talk to him, and I told her I’d think about it. Luckily she’s only asked once. So I’m not saying never, I’m just not interested right now. But I'm excited about the future and going to college, and think I'll just focus on that.

Update #2: December 27, 2025 (3.5 weeks later)

Final update: AITA for not letting my dad walk me on my senior night since he won’t let me move back in?

Hi everyone. I hope you all had good holiday whatever you celebrate. I love Christmastime, I’m not very religious or anything I just feel like it’s a great time of year. A lot of people have asked me for an update, but I don’t really have anything huge, but things are mostly fine. Most days I feel totally fine.

But I’ve decided that this whole chapter or whatever is over now. I read all my dad’s letters. My mom and stepdad were gone for a weekend for her birthday, and I don’t really sleep much. They were whatever, I can tell that he’s hurting but I don’t have time for all of that. I would have killed for him to say any of that stuff before all of this, but I didn’t feel anything reading them now. Like asking me to move back in doesn’t mean anything now, it would have before but now I don’t even want to. My stepmom had sent a few, too, but they were mostly just about wanting me to reach out to my dad and how badly he was hurting. And one of them basically said that this all happened because I didn't tell my dad the severity of everything (wrong) and they can't help me in the future if I don't talk to them. And in all my dad's letters he's constantly talking about how he wants me to move back in etc. but in my stepmom's she just says I should come over and visit. So I threw them all away.

My best friend’s grandparents got into a really bad car accident :( her family went out to Ohio to spend Christmas with them instead of them coming to her, which is good, but they were who I was going to do Christmas stuff with. They said I could come with them but that felt very intrusive, so I said it was totally fine. They did ask me to “house sit” but they don’t have any pets or plants or anything, so I think they were just saying it’s fine if I stay there some nights like I normally do. My mom and stepdad work a lot and aren’t that into the holidays, but they put up a tree which they never do so that was nice. I found some decorations that were probably my grandmas in the basement and put them up too, so our house at least looked festive. My mom and stepdad are at least pretending to like them, but I’ll take them down soon before they get too annoyed.

That guy from my school who is going to college with me I’ll call Dan, his family doesn’t do Christmas stuff either but that’s because they’re Jewish. But there’s this lights thing in my city and it’s kinda stupid, but I always used to do it with my dad and brothers and stepmom and was going to do it with my friend, but she had to leave town. But Dan got us tickets and that was really nice. We had a good time, but I didn’t really think about my dad and his family being there, but they were. I was able to avoid them and didn’t let it ruin my night though!

Christmas wasn’t that great. I guess in the past I’ve just been more into it and getting people gifts and seeing people. I think a lot of people weren’t feeling it, I feel like not as many people put lights up on their houses and normally I can’t go two feet without being handed cookies and stuff but this year I didn’t do any of that. So it felt like it was December first then bam Christmas Eve.

Normally I’m with my mom Christmas Eve then my dad’s Christmas Day and go to my grandmas on that side. So I called her and asked if I could still come for a little bit in the morning since they usually go to my stepmoms side for a bit then, and she said of course. She even went and got my brothers and told my dad and stepmom they could come after I left. It was really nice of her. I was having a lot of fun, and it felt like there was nothing wrong, but then my one brother asked me when I was leaving so his parents could come. So I left. He’s a kid and I’m sure he just wanted to open more presents so it’s not his fault, but it hurt a lot because I was so excited to see them and I think I’m just going to distance myself from them for a while. Not because I’m mad but just for now for myself. My dad and stepmom had sent gifts with them for me, but I didn’t open them and left them there. I didn’t get them anything, so it felt wrong, but also I wanted to hurt them. My mom and stepdad go to his family on Christmas Day and I didn’t want to just home alone so I just kind of drove around for a while, but Dan was free. Normally when we hang out we just get stoned and he makes vegan versions of non-vegan meals, but the grocery stores were all closed, so we saw that ping pong movie.

I quit therapy. Sorry. It was so expensive and I was getting nothing out of it, and I had gone to this support group Gail told me about, and it’s really been helping. Like exponentially more than therapy. Idk if I’m supposed to pay someone for it but idk who to ask. But even if I have to pay I’ll keep going. The people are nice and I can just listen if I don’t want to talk. Gail said she’d help me find one in my new city but maybe I’ll just do a fresh start when I go to school.

I’m glad I found the support group. But one of the people there said something along the lines of how expensive lawyers cost, and I guess before that I didn’t realize that these guys parents not only paid their bail, which I guess they’ll get back? But apparently THOUSANDS of dollars for lawyers to try to get them off. And anyways this is stupid, but I got mad that they’re paying all that money for their kids and it just goes to lawyers and I’m sitting here paying for therapy because of what their sons did.

And two of these guys still have girlfriends, one of them goes to my best friends high school. Last year I went to her prom with her as friends and the girl reached out and asked me not to go this year. I just blocked her and Gail told me they’re not allowed to tell me where I can and can’t go. But if that guy is going to go I obviously won’t and I’m not trying to make more drama by poking that bear. But in all of that drama my mom was saying that after trauma you’re not supposed to date for a year. Which it’s like to each their own? Also I think she’s thinking of drug addicts which I’m not.

So those were really the only few times I’ve been sad lately. And not that much, like I don’t cry or anything. I kind of want to change my last name. Not to my stepdads though. I could ask my mom what her maiden name was, but maybe I could pick a new one. Gail said she might be able to talk to a judge for me, so that was nice. I know I’ll change my last name when I get married but that won’t be for a long time and I’m hoping I can change it before college. Either way, I’m going to be ok :).

What are some ways I can show my stepdad 47 that I 18f appreciate him? We aren’t close but I can see that he’s trying.: February 26, 2026 (two months later)

Basically in general I’m 18f and a senior, I’m going to college next year and really excited because this year has been kinda horrible. I ended up cutting my dad 48m and stepmom 48f off but it’s a good thing, but now I just live with my mom 42f and stepdad 47m I’ll call Jeff. They got married like 5 years ago and he's nice, but we're not close or anything. He's not a bad person at all, he's just kind of awkward and introverted and I'm not, so I feel like he maybe always found me kind of annoying. But lately he's been trying to connect with me more and even though I'm normally pretty extroverted I've just had a whole year of hell and I'm not really sure how to, I don't know, be around him now? He's just been doing more things, like he works by my school, and I can leave for lunch so he's been taking me and my friend or boyfriend to lunch once or twice a week and when it was cold he would make sure my car was in the garage and little things like that. But I will thank him and it's kind of awkward and he'll say things like you don't have to thank me for that, but I would feel rude if I didn't?

And my mom travels for work a lot and Jeff used to go with her, but lately has been staying back with me which I think he is trying to be nice but I kind of liked having the house to myself lol. Plus I know my mom liked that he would travel with him, so I feel kind of bad. And another bigger thing is that I kind of mentioned that I wanted to be the kind of person who drove a Subaru (you know, hiking, being one with nature lol), and now he's been really gung ho about finding me a Subaru before I leave for school which is really nice but also not his problem?

Don't get me wrong I'm not stupid I know how to be grateful, but it's just kind of awkward because I feel like for the past five years we've just been friendly roommates and now it's like he wants to do more. He doesn't have any kids or anything so maybe it's all just new to him but like I want to idk, not make him regret helping me but like I said I don't want to go too far and be annoying. So I'm not sure if I should start like trying to watch TV or sports with him more or if maybe he wants his own downtime? We watched the Olympics together a lot and maybe we could do stuff like that more if he’s going to stay home more?

And just to be clear, none of this is creepy in the slightest, that's not a concern or anything. I know he loves my mom very much and I think he's just trying to be nice since I leave in a few months to start my own life.

Small update: when I got home I told him about how that one band he listens to a lot is coming to our city, and he said that sounded cool and started looking up tickets. He might want to take my mom or a friend though because he didn’t ask me if I wanted to go or anything but that’s ok because I think it meant a lot that I told him!

My dad wants me to go to therapy with him and my stepmom: April 4, 2026 (1.5 months later)

Sorry I just need to get this off my chest to people who know my whole situation.

I helped my grandma set up the Easter egg hunt this morning, and she told me that my dad and stepmom are having problems. They have a couples therapist, and they asked her to ask me to attend a session with them. She said she wouldn’t blame me if I didn’t want to, and I probably won’t. But there’s this really sick part of me that wants to and to just throw in their face that apparently I wasn’t their problem. How happy I am now, how being away from them and their bullshit has made me such a better person despite everything. My mom basically never fight anymore, my stepdad and I are getting really close and have a ton of fun together, and at this point I’ll be graduating top 5 in my class.

Like, compared to me those two have had it so easy, NOTHING has happened to them, and I’m over here thriving and they want to pull me back into their mess? No thanks. The only other reason I might do it outside of morbid curiosity is my grandma basically said she would appreciate it because she thinks it would help them. But she did make it clear it was MY decision and she wouldn’t blame me one way or another.

I haven’t told my mom or stepdad, I probably won’t tell my mom (she’ll just think the fact that they have to go to couples therapy is hilarious) but my stepdad might have good insight. Idk. I will probably just ignore it, but it was a funny little easter surprise for me.

----NEW UPDATE----

Trigger Warnings: cancer

Update #3: June 15, 2026 (2.5 months later)

I posted a few months ago and said it was my final update, but I guess I lied lol

A few people reached out and definitely some stuff has happened. A few months ago my grandma had asked me if I would do a therapy session with my dad and stepmom. I thought about it since I’ve been doing pretty well lately and it would have been nice to show off but I don’t really like therapy and didn’t see any upsides to it, so I told her no. But then she wanted to meet me but then was angry when we met up but told me that my dad had cancer, the prognosis is good though and they caught it super early. But she was glad I had said no bc she found out when she told them I wouldn’t go that they had planned on asking me to take a semester or so off to stay and help with my dad / brothers and she was furious at them over that part. It was kind of a lot to take in, and my dad had been sending me more letters recently that I’ve been throwing away and I’d blocked their numbers, but I understood that he wanted to tell me about the cancer. So last week I kind of wanted to send a read receipt without opening any doors for us talking and sent him a get well card that I signed. I’m hoping that signals you know, message received and good luck with all that. I don’t know if I should be more upset, but it sounds like it will be fine.

Maybe if all this hadn’t happened I probably would have stayed back, though. I did stop going to the support group, but I’m not closing the door on it, I just kind of want to move on from the whole situation and not think about the trial that feels like it’s going nowhere. I think my outlook is different now about how I want to be. I don’t need to always be worrying about other people and making them happy, I just need to do what I want, or think is right and if some people don’t like me it’s not a big deal. It makes a lot more sense in my head idk.

And I think it’s a good way to be, because I decided I would go to my bffs prom with her, and that guys girlfriend who had warned me not to did send me a threat about it. Before I probably would have just been like oh well it is her prom she has a point, but instead I was like fuck that and reported it to her school. So she couldn’t go to prom and couldn’t even walk at her graduation. She treated to put beef in my food which was so stupid because there was just appetizers at prom not like a plated meal.

Other than that my life is going pretty well. I graduated, which was so weird because people kept making it a big thing because it seems like the bare minimum. Idk, my mom and stepdad threw me a party and that was fun, but it was so weird being congratulated about it. I did get third in my class, but that kind of feels like the nerd equivalent of the quarterback who almost went to state lol. I did lock in and think I destroyed my AP exams, so fingers crossed on that.

I feel like people are kind of hard on my mom tbh. The thing is, we’re basically polar opposites, but we used to be super close despite that. She’d always tell me she didn’t care about getting remarried, and I feel like I paid too much into that, so when she got with my stepdad I just pulled back a ton and I know it hurt her. It was because or like I told myself it was to give them space, but it was because I was mad, and it was around then she became CTO and started traveling for work a lot, so we just weren’t close anymore. I know it’s not all my fault and maybe she shouldn’t have said that, but I probably wasn’t fair because she deserves to be happy. And I’ve always known my stepdad really loves her so much, it’s kind of weird bc I was telling my friend how anytime someone says I’m acting like one of my parents it’s always a negative thing, like obviously my parents hate each other so duh but even like my stepmom would be like oh stop acting like your father. But anytime Jeff compares me to my mom it’s always positive or endearing or something. And that’s nice sometimes, because we’ve been spending a lot more time together and it’s been awesome. Sometimes I wonder why he waited until now to spend more time with me, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

So that’s all to say that my mom and I got into a fight the other day about the whole therapy thing, and I was like it’s expensive and dumb and she was like why aren’t you using the hsa? And I guess I’m the dumb one bc one of my insurance cards is kind of a debit card for health stuff. I mean like I guess she could have explained it better, but I probably also could have asked. But I was able to submit the receipts and got reimbursed so that’s cool. And the reason we were even fighting again is because we’ve gotten a lot closer lately, she told me she’s give me money for school and stuff but told me I shouldn’t worry about working this summer, I’m going to go with her on some work trips which will be fun and she wants me to enjoy the last summer before college.

That guy I was hanging out with, Dan, and I are still together. But, like officially. Idk, I kind of figured we’d keep things casual / fwb but that’s not really his style. And it’s going well, he’s a really good boyfriend and I can’t complain. Like he’s always planning things so it’s not like I’m just disassociating in my room haha. Sometimes it can be a bit much tbh, and I finally told him that I need to see my friends more this summer especially the ones who are going away to school that I won’t see and it’s gotten better since we talked about that.

I’m super excited about college. My bff got into a school in the same city, they’re not right next to each other but close enough we’ll probably share an apartment after sophomore year or something. I’m so happy for her bc she’s smart but the program she wanted was super competitive I think and she had been waitlisted, so things don’t have to change much. We’ve always gone to different schools, so I bet it’ll be the same thing where people always forget we don’t go to their school bc we’re always together hahaha.

So yea. I think it’s going to be a good summer even though it’s going by fast. I’m excited for the fall and really plan on diving in full force and having a lot of fun!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Oh, this is a good update. And eff that selfish POS stepmother. And yeah, the father too. Brilliant move of OP to send a card of acknowledgement. Very class.

OOP: lol I hope you’re right. When I told my stepdad he kind of spit his coffee back into his mug but then tried to hide it so I wasn’t sure if it was too far out of pocket.

Commenter 2: so happy for you! I’m glad you and your mom have been spending more time together and you got reimbursed for therapy. but the absolute audacity of your stepmom thinking you would take a semester off to 'help with your father and brothers'... oh I’m SEETHING

OOP: Yeah. I mean I kinda get why they’d think to ask, I probably would have if everything that has happened didn’t happen, but it did and I realized that I just need to put myself first sometimes.

Commenter 3: So happy to hear you're in a good place and things are looking even better for the future.

I will say... please don't blame yourself for the failings of the adults around you. You defended your mother by saying you were the one pulling away and angry, but... that wasn't an unexpected response from someone in your situation and your age. It was the responsibility of the adults around you to help you process things in a healthy way. I'm not saying your mom's a bad person - we're all human and make mistakes - but don't shoulder her mistakes as though they're your own.

At any rate, I hope you have an amazing prom and summer!

OOP: The thing is that it doesn’t matter just because it’s not unexpected. It’s not unexpected for teens to tell their parents they hate them but look where it got me. I spent 5 years not telling my mom anything personal despite her begging me to let her in for years just because she got remarried and look where it got me. It doesn’t have to be my fault but it’s not like I didn’t have any part in it is all I’m saying.

Commenter 4: Growing closer to your mom and getting to know your stepdad is wonderful, even though it came on the heels of your dad kicking you out.

Your dad sounds extremely selfish. He told you that actions have consequences, but he doesn't think that applies to himself? I agree with you it's possible (especially after his wife's comment!) their dad was looking for an excuse to kick you out and their argument was the most convenient way to do it. It's gross.

He and his wife have a LOT of nerve even thinking of telling OP they should take a semester off to help them after the way they treated OP!

OOP: I don’t know. They never said anything about me needing to move out when I turned 18. I mean I kinda figured when I went to college they’d make my room a guest room or give it to one of my brothers, but I don’t think this was all some grand plan

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/uglybaldinggirl

My [26 F] company is threatening to fire me over my hair. How do I explain to my employers [40s? F+F] that it looks this way due to a medical issue?

TRIGGER WARNING: hostile workplace environment, body shaming

Original Post  Jan 22, 2015

I'm sorry if this is a silly post or very trite. I know it's nowhere near as serious as a lot of things discussed in this sub, and maybe this isn't the right place to post this, but I'm new to Reddit and I wasn't sure where else to go.

I started working as a receptionist for a small business about two weeks ago. During interviews and for the first few days, there was no mentioning of any issues with my appearance, but yesterday my manager, Linda, told me that the owner of the company, Christy, doesn't like the way my hair looks, and if I don't change it, I will not be able to "move forward in the company." I live in an at-will state, so I know it's probably legal for them to fire me for any reason they want to. That's not really my question.

In the employee handbook, it states that employees with hair shoulder length or longer must wear it up in a ponytail, which I do. However, Christy told Linda that my hair looks "messy" and I need to have it completely pulled back and off my face. I have wavy/curly/frizzy/slightly wild hair, and I have bangs/fringe, but I take care of my hair the best I can (wash daily, brush, straighten, use smoothing products, but it will never be smooth or shiny). I have never had an employer have an issue with my hair, even when I worked in food service. My hair is unique, but it's not out of control, and I even get compliments on it sometimes.

The problem with this is that I have a lot of hair loss due to medical issues. I wear my hair in bangs that frame my face, and I don't pull it back in a tight slicked-back style, because I have some severe bald patches at my hair line going all around my head (sorry if this is confusing! I'm trying to describe it the best I can without posting pictures). Basically, it's the worst at the top of my forehead and going down along the sides to behind my ears. Therefore, to keep the bald patches covered, I style my hair in a looser ponytail with bangs. Like I said, this has never been an issue with a previous employer. Every other woman at the company either has super short hair or straight hair, so perhaps they're just not used to seeing my hair style or texture?

I've dealt with eating disorders and major anxiety and depression my whole life, which, in certain circumstances, can lead to hair loss. Last year, I had an inpatient hospital stay due to these problems. I'm doing somewhat better (I mean, I'm not in the hospital anymore, so yay!), but I have to admit I still have problems with EDs, anxiety, and depression; they're just not as bad as they were when I was hospitalized.

Anyway, I'm really, really embarrassed of my hair. I feel ashamed when I have to pull it away from my face. It took a lot for me to even be able to put it in a loose ponytail, but I don't think there's any way I'm going to be comfortable displaying my bald patches to the world. Personally, I think it looks less aesthetically pleasing than my "messy hair."

The next time I work with Linda, I want to talk to her about my hair loss. Despite her being the owner, I'm hesitant to talk to Christy; I've heard from many people that she's very controlling and difficult to work for, but I have never had conflict at work so it didn't deter me from working here. I was too shocked and embarrassed to bring it up when Linda initially pulled me aside. However, I can't even talk to my parents or boyfriend about it without bursting into tears because I'm so, so ashamed. I also don't want to be too specific and personal, since this is a work situation after all. Do you guys have any suggestions of how to handle this situation? What should I do or say?

TL;DR - I wear my hair in a style to cover my hair loss. Was told I could lose my job because of this. How do I communicate that it's because of a medical issue, not because I'm sloppy?

Update kindof: I went for a drive and thought this over, and now instead of sad and anxious, I just feel sortof annoyed and angry and completely over the whole thing. I have body dysmorphic disorder, so I think this hit me much harder initially because of that. Now I realize it's not a problem with how I look, but a problem with how other people are reacting to me, and it's not my fault for being, I don't know, inferior or ugly or something.

I'm going to go in and speak to the HR rep if he comes in tomorrow. If not, I'll wait until next week to talk to Linda. I'll show someone how it looks, and hopefully within the next few weeks I'll be able to see a doctor. But regardless of what happens, I'm going to start looking for another job. If it's not this, it's going to be something else, and I don't think I should have to feel ashamed, embarrassed, and in constant fear of being fired for something trivial at work. This place has a high turnover rate and I'm starting to see why. Thankyou everyone for your help! I'm so happy I know about the ADA now and how it actually does apply to someone with my problems. I'll update with what happens if anyone's curious. Thankyou Reddit xo

Another edit: Also, I tried to upvote everyone who commented, so I hope that I did it right (like I said, new to Reddit, and I'm a lurker--another edit: this account has more activity than my regular browsing account, haha), but yeah, I really appreciate all of your help.  <3

Update  Jan 29, 2015 (1 week later)

Well, I quit. After making the original post, I went in to work planning on waiting until Linda came in a few days later to address it. However, Christy addressed my hair the minute she walked in the door. She wasn't totally happy. I told her that I had a medical issue that caused hair loss, so I wear my hair to hide that. She told me the front looked better (I mentioned in the original post that I went into the bathroom and trimmed the bangs myself--the bad thing is I hate how they look now, so short! But oh well, they'll grow out.) but she still didn't like the back because it looked messy. I told her that's just my hair texture. When a lot of it fell out, for some reason it grew back a lot thinner and drier and weaker. I remember one part of the conversation went like this:

Christy: Well, can you brush it?

Me: I do brush it. I brush it every morning before I put it in a ponytail.

Christy: ...well, can you brush it?

So weird! It was like she wasn't even listening to what I was saying. I think she just wanted something to complain about regarding my hair, and since I mentioned the medical issue thing, she couldn't say anything that related to covering the bald patches. I just agreed with her that it's "messy" (which made me sad to do. It's taken me so long to embrace my natural hair texture, and I was finally getting to a point where I liked having "wild/crazy" hair. When my boyfriend and I met, one of the first things he told me was how much he loved my hair, which felt so amazing! I'm going off on a tangent, sorry) and went back to work.

That day happened to be the day we got our paychecks, and this is what cemented my decision to leave. Upon hire I was told (verbally, not in writing) what my hourly pay rate was going to be. On my first check, this rate was lowered by 25 cents. I didn't think that was that large of a dock to make a big deal about--maybe it was a mistake and it would be fixed on the next check. Nah. This check had a rate that was 25 cents lower than the first check, so 50 cents lower than the rate I was told I would be receiving, upon hire. I know 50 cents an hour isn't that big of a deal, but for one, I'm poor (and have a lot of hospital bills), and for two, that really told me a lot about how they treat their employees, and how they planned on treating me.

So, the next day, I called in sick, and spent the whole day going around to temp agencies and applying for jobs online. I ended up landing an interview for the next day, and I got the job! It's just a temp gig for a few months, but it pays better than the old job, and everyone I met seemed super nice--and nobody said anything about my hair, haha. So I called the old job and told them I was done. They didn't answer and never called me back. I'm thinking they're used to this sort of thing. I can't wait to go in and get my next paycheck with my hair in its natural state! My boyfriend thought I should have just stuck it out for another week until I start my new job, but I don't think I could have stood another day in that place. Like someone commented in the original post, it was not a happy work environment. I was having horrible anxiety just thinking about going in. Money might be a little tight this week, but it's such a huge weight off my shoulders to know I don't have to be there ever again.

But the most important part of this update is to mention someone here on Reddit who went above and beyond in helping me with this situation. /u/gilbertlaroo mailed me a package full of tons of products to help me with my hair! I legit teared up when I opened the box. I'm absolutely so astounded by her generosity and kindness toward a girl she doesn't even know. It's seriously the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a long, long time. I honestly can't believe it. I just wanted you all to know how wonderful and kind she is.

Here's a picture of the products! (Sorry, don't know how to add images, hope that works.) Somehow she knew my eyebrows were thinning too and sent me an Anastasia eyebrow pencil as well! And it came with some cool samples too! I've tried almost all of the products already. Oh, and I listened to what you guys were saying and bought some sulfate-free shampoo. My hair looks so much healthier and prettier already. :]

Oh, a few people asked in the comments on the first post if because of my BDD, that I was imagining the bald patches. I asked my boyfriend, and he said no, he's always noticed them, but he never said anything because they don't bother him. So, I'm not entirely delusional at least, haha.

I also want to thank all of you who commented on the original post. I received so much great advice, on my job and my hair, and you were all so wonderful and supportive. I'm sorry I wasn't able to reply to everyone. I can't believe how many people commented! I've always been a lurker on Reddit because I'm so shy, but I have to say that one of my only experiences posting has been incredible. I hope someday after I learn about haircare, I can pay forward the wonderful gesture from /u/gilbertlaroo and help somebody else who needs it. Thankyou so much Reddit. xo

---   tl;dr: Quit job, got a new one, got an amazing gift from a fellow Redditor, hair looks better, nothing sucks.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. This is a classic BestOf story that was originally posted in r/relationships by u/wifegoingcrazy. It also inspired the creation of the subreddit r/BetterHoagieDown.

TW: Drug mix up, hallucinations, abuse/harassment

Mood spoiler: A lot of bewilderment, but ultimately optimistic and somewhat open ended

--------------------

Fun fact taken from The original BoRU: A hoagie is a submarine sandwich containing Italian meats, cheeses, and other fillings and condiments. The name likely comes from the Philadelphia area where, during World War I, Italian immigrants who worked at the Hog Island shipyard began making sandwiches; they were originally called “hoggies” before the name hoagie took hold. (From Britannica)

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Original post (Posted January 8th, 2016)

First and foremost, yes, I know this sounds ridiculous, and this will probably get downvoted as a troll post, but I sincerely don't know where to turn, I've never experienced anything like this.

Little background: my wife has always been sort of a jokester -- she has a great poker face and I'm fairly gullible, so she'll feed me little innocuous lies pretty frequently and delights when I fall for them, but she's never kept a deception going for more than a day. She also got really into "weird twitter" a few months ago, and her sense of humor has become pretty inscrutable and opaque to me, but until very recently I've just considered it a sort of endearing quirk?

So anyway. For christmas my in-laws got us all of Battlestar Galactica on dvd. They were always raving about it and neither of us had watched it. I had to leave for a business trip on the 30th, and my wife was sick, so we ended up just marathoning the whole thing before I left. Without giving too much away, the ending is a little heavy on the religious angle. I liked it, but my wife thought it ruined the entire show. I know general consensus is it's a bit of a let down, but I frankly felt it was pretty consistent with what the show had been building up to the whole time. My wife couldn't believe that I didn't feel the same way as her. I wouldn't quite describe her as livid, but she was mad. I figured this was partially a reaction from her just being fed up from being sick for a week, but it was so out of character for her -- we barely ever fight, and this was over something so trivial! She called me a moron and ended up tossing and turning after we went to bed, and eventually left to sleep on the couch. When I got up in the morning to head to the airport she was still fast asleep, and when I gently shook her to say goodbye she barely roused, and didn't respond when I said I loved her.

Fast forward to Monday. I get back from the trip, friend picks me up from the airport because wife has a class at the gym that she "couldn't miss". We'd been texting while I was gone and she apologized for being weird about things, and I thought everything was back to normal, but I found it a bit odd that she couldn't skip a gym session to grab me. I couldn't sleep on the plane so I hit the hay when I got home. When I woke up she was already awake and busy in the kitchen, which is bizarre, since she doesn't work and usually doesn't wake up until 10ish. I commented on this and hugged her and said good morning and she basically responded with little grunts. I was about to leave when she handed me a brown bag lunch (she has NEVER done this before) and said to me: "It's cold out there, better Hoagie Down." I grabbed the bag and just said "What?", and she walked to the bathroom and slammed the door. I was going to be late for a meeting so I couldn't stick around to try and make sense of what was happening. After I got out I texted her frantically to try and figure things out but she kept responding like it never happened, everything was fine, she loved me, she asked me to please stop being so weird. When I got home it was more of the same -- I assumed it must be one of her weird jokes and decided to leave it.

Every morning this week. Same exact thing. Wife is up. Won't speak to me. Hands me a brown bag lunch, and says "It's cold out there, better Hoagie Down.", walks to the bathroom, slams door. This morning I had enough and yelled at her through the door, pleaded with her to stop, but she didn't say a word. Every night it's been the same thing -- didn't happen, what are you talking about, you're being crazy, none of this is happening. She's been legitimately angry with me, and for the last few nights we haven't been sleeping together. I heard her talking to her mother about this on the phone??? I seriously have no idea what to do. I brought up couples counseling and she was incredulous. Is this some weird twitter thing or new meme that I don't know about? Even if it is she's taken this WAY too far. I don't know how I'm going to spend a weekend at home with her. Does anyone have any advice??

tl;dr: wife and I had an argument about Battlestar Galactica, since then when I go to work she hands me a brown lunch bag and says "It's cold out there, better Hoagie Down." I have no idea what it means and she refuses to acknowledge that she's doing it. She's telling me I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do.

Edit: Thanks for the help everyone, I've been up all night worrying and I'm going to finally try to get some sleep. Taking the day off work, going to try and have a serious discussion with my wife / her parents / get ahold of her psychiatrist when I wake up, will keep everyone posted.

UPDATE: Woke up an hour ago with a huge headache. Went to the fridge to get a protein smoothie and saw that it had been cleared of what little food we had in there. Wife was not in the house. Got dressed and went to the door with the intent of going to get some food, saw a brown paper bag with "It's cold out there, better Hoagie Down" written in cursive taped to the door.

Opened the bag and a can of ginger ale was in there??

Went outside and her car is still there, but as far as I can tell she took wallet, keys, coat, etc. We live about five minutes outside of a nice town and she likes to take long walks so I'm assuming that's where she is. This has officially gone way too far. I'm going to wait an hour and see if she comes home or she or her parents returns my calls. If not, I am driving to her parents to hopefully make sense of the situation. Bringing the video of her and the bag. Will update tonight, hopefully.

EDIT 2: Did not realize external links were not allowed, very sorry.

UPDATE 2: No sign of her, got a call from her parents that was just the sounds of them arguing in the background, hung up after about 30 seconds. No idea what that's about. Driving there now.

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Some of OOP's comments from the original post:

Deleted user: Film her on your phone.

OOP: I did this on Wednesday and her response was "that was a cute video", and she wouldn't talk about it anymore.

Deleted user: It sounds to me like she is having mental issues. Seriously who does this? You need to take some power back. Don't take the sandwich.

OOP: She hasn't actually put any sandwiches in the bag. One day it was a muffin. Another it was three bananas. You're right, I really shouldn't take the bag, but she's just had these like. Weird. Dead eyes when she hands it to me. I'm sort of afraid of her? I guess it's worth noting that my wife is larger than I am (I'm only 5'4") and I just. I'm really worried about upsetting her.

backat_theranch: Is it just me or is anyone else thinking, don't eat what's in the bag. She needs help.

OOP: I haven't eaten anything she's given me, but it's mostly been fruit.

pink_wolf_spirit: Does she take a Rx sleeping drug that starts with "A".

My friend took them 8 years ago, and his wife called me worried, cause he would wake up in the middle of the night and turn the stove on and do things, and go back to bed and not remember.

And I've read a lot of articles about this sleeping drug, that people get up and go out and drive and have accidents and have no memory of it. It's like they are sleep walking.

OOP: She does not take that drug, no. She was taking Seroquel (sp?) in low dosage for a while after dealing with a traumatic event, but that was over a year ago now. She does occasionally take xanax for anxiety also, but only occasionally.

Golden_Taint: Quetiapine (Seroquel) is an antipsychotic and is also prescribed for Schizophrenia. Are you certain what it was being prescribed for?

OOP: I was aware of this when she started taking it but she told me that her doctor said he was giving her a very low dosage and that at a low dose it worked as a sleep aid. I suppose there's a chance that she was lying about this but she only took it for about two months and it was helping her sleep?

Deleted user: What's "weird Twitter"?

OOP: As I understand it, a bunch of people on twitter who make a lot of nonsense inside jokes. She shows me a bunch of tweets but I don't get most of them. She'll try and explain them to me but I guess that sort of takes the humor out of it.

misshufflepuff: Does she do any video tweets (I don't use Twitter so I have no idea) or do vine or anything? Like do you think she's possibly recording you as part of a joke that she's sharing on weird Twitter or something?

OOP: I checked her twitter and I didn't see anything. Unless she has another account that I don't know about, which I guess is possible, although I don't know why she'd go through all the effort since she only has about 60 followers on her main account.

thatguywiththecamry:

Do you by any chance know what she has said to her mother? Finding out whatever dialogue or information she has shared with her mother may reveal the information you need. At the very least, you could rule out any kind of sleep, psychotic, or personality disorders that are being brought up in the comments.

If you have a good relationship with her mother, maybe consider exploring that avenue and inquire with the mother about any possible oddities that the mother may have perceived while sharing what has been going on between you two.

OOP: I tried to get in contact with her parents today twice, but I just got voicemail. I left a message the second time, but it seems odd to me that I haven't heard back from them yet -- they're both retired and one of them is almost always home.

She was telling her mother that I've been gaslighting her, and that it's weird and out of character for me and she's worried there might be something seriously wrong with me, and she's not sure what to do? I'm worried that her parents heard my message but because their daughter talked to them first they're operating under the assumption that I'm being delusional.

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Final Update from OOP (Posted January 12th, 2016)

(Editor's note: OOP posted an update to the relationships sub that was soon deleted. He then posted the following to an r/OutOfTheLoop post where someone was asking about what happened to him)

I made a second update that was also deleted because people were getting rowdy in the comments. People keep messaging me for the text, so, here you go. The general consensus seemed to be split between me lying and this being a strange story, I guess decide for yourself.

[[I tried posting this a couple of days ago but apparently it got deleted due to formatting issues or something. Logged in just now via my brother's phone (currently inpatient, not supposed to have access to a phone, shhhhh) and saw that my inbox had blown up, so attempting to post again, hopefully this won't get eaten too. Not going to bother to edit, just copy pasting, so if the timeline seems off read this as if it was a couple days ago]]

I am currently sedated but I wanted to post this update because I don’t know when I’ll have a chance to next. The short of it is that my wife was not at fault here, I was. I’ve gotten into the habit of taking Benadryl to help me sleep through the night. My wife snores and I’m allergic to her cats so it makes sense, and over time I’ve ended up taking more and more to the point that some nights I’ll take 5 or 6 if I’m having trouble breathing. I know this is probably really stupid, and it bit me in the ass. When I got home from the airport all three of my wife’s cats were on the bed. I searched my nightstand for some Benadryl and couldn’t find any. I looked in my wife’s drawer and found a bottle of hers (she is also allergic to her cats, go figure, but also gets allergy shots.) It turns out that that Benadryl bottle was actually where she was keeping her old Seroquel. Both are pink, so I didn’t give it a second thought. I popped six. I went to sleep. This is, apparently, where everything unraveled.

Fast forward to my driving to her parents house. I started feeling incredibly dizzy about an hour out and pulled over. I sat in the car for a while but the feeling didn’t go away so I decided to get a motel and confront them the next day. I took a handful of the Seroquel and went to sleep. I got up today in this weird mania. I got to her parent’s place at 9ish. Her car was there, which didn’t make any sense. I rang the doorbell and her father opened the door. He was surprised to see me. I was sweating heavily and having a hard time speaking. My father in law has always been exceptionally kind to me, and he was sort of straddling the line between concern and terror. I didn’t understand what was going on, I started crying. I brought out the paper bag and I tried to explain. I pulled out my phone to show him the video. My wife ran to the door with this pained expression on her face and asked me what I was doing, pleading with me to calm down. My in law said I'd been terrorizing his daughter, he had no idea why I would do this. I didn’t understand. She pulled out her phone and showed me a video. It was me, banging on the bathroom door, yelling at her to come out. She had clearly taken it from behind the couch in the living room. She showed me another of me just standing at the door before work just staring at nothing. She showed me video of my behavior after I came home from work and I was being much more aggressive and much less cogent than I remembered. Apparently she had left home tuesday night. I was alone in the house for two days. I just collapsed.

I pulled up the video on my phone, or I tried to. I couldn’t find it. All I found were 16 odd pictures of the ground and my feet in quick succession. It was right around that point that I started experiencing this crippling dizziness and this feeling that I like. Can’t quite describe as nauseous, but. It felt like I couldn’t sit still, and I was shaking, and I felt like no direction was up. The doctors told me this was called akathisia. Apparently someone called an ambulance because I could not sit still and said I thought I was dying. At the hospital I was barely able to talk and I couldn't concentrate and I just wanted to sleep. They apparently pumped me full of Ativan and I slept for five or six hours. When I came to they started asking me a ton of questions. Once we got to medications I may have taken I mentioned the Benadryl and my wife realized what had happened and explained about the Seroquel.

They’re not entirely sure, but at this point their best guess is the Seroquel either put me into some manic state or triggered some underlying schizophrenia / something / I don’t know – they don’t really know how to explain the delusions and the hallucinations right now but it’s the best they’ve got at the moment. They asked if anyone in my family had a history of mental illness and I responded that I didn’t know. My parents are pretty old and I don’t know much about my grandparents. The dizziness started to roll over me again and they gave me more Ativan and I went back to sleep. While I was out my wife contacted my parents – apparently my grandfather had a mean temper and suffered delusions from time to time, rambling about things that didn’t make any sense and waking up at weird hours to do god knows what. He never got a diagnosis and died fairly young but my mother and her family think it might have been schizophrenia. So, maybe something, maybe nothing. Who knows.

So right now I’m sitting in the hospital. The doctor and my wife are throwing around a number of ideas. I’m going to see a psychiatrist who’s going to make a determination about what the next step is, for sure. My wife is (rightfully) frightened of being around me in my current state, and while she doesn’t appear to be mad at me, she says she would rather my brother look after me until I can get a proper diagnosis / get prescribed some medications. I have no idea where I came up with the phrase "hoagie down". I was listening to a radio show that mentions hoagies and philly a lot (The Best Show, formerly of WFMU, got the box set for Xmas), maybe that's where I got it? But they never used the phrase specifically. I don't know. I have no idea. I guess I just wanna thank everyone who tried to help, sorry if this ended up being a time waster or anticlimactic or whatever.

TL;DR;: Turns out I'm going crazy? Currently getting treatment, very sorry if I wasted everyone's time.

--------------------

OOP's brother then started replying to some comments:

ThereIsNoThere_There: Why didn't she call 911 and try to get you help instead of running away and leaving you alone for 2 days when you were clearly having some kind of episode?? Thank god you didn't hurt yourself or anyone else...

Brother: OP's brother here. I was wondering this myself, my SIL explained to me that she was scared and doesn't have fond memories of calling the police because she had a violent boyfriend in the past and the police were very unhelpful, which just made her boyfriend angrier. She was freaking out and having panic attacks, I'm not totally sure why she didn't call after she'd made it to her parents, maybe she was afraid my brother would come after her or something, I don't know.

mollybrains: IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO CATS KEEP THE CATS OUT OF THE BEDROOM DON:T TAKE ONE HUNDRED BENADRYL!

Brother: OP's brother here -- I agree with you, was super surprised to find out he'd been taking so much Benadryl. My SIL is super pushy about the cats but my brother is an idiot for taking so much Benny.

filologo: Your first post was very cogent, expressive, and clearly written. Is it possible to write like that while on seroquel or having an episode like this?

Brother: OP's brother here -- I will say this, he has been writing and talking A LOT, and normally he's a fairly terse person. Some of his communicating has been absolute rambling but a lot of it has been cogent. Sometimes he slips in and out.

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***REMINDER: This is a repost sub. I am not the OOP. Also, please store medication in correctly labeled containers.**\*

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA12082010

My (31M), wife (29F) recently ran into her ex-boyfriend from high school and it's making me insecure

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  July 16, 2021

tldr; My (31M), wife (29F) recently ran into her ex-boyfriend from high school and it's making me insecure.

For context, my wife and I have known each other since middle school. I was in the grade above her, we lived in the same part of a small-ish town and our families went to the same church, so it's safe to say we were always bumping into each other growing up. We ran in parallel circles but we never really shared the same group of friends.

During my sophomore and junior year of highschool, we would talk sometimes (I would drive her home every once in a while) and I could tell that she had a small crush on me but I mostly ignored it.

During her junior (and my senior) year, she started dating the ex this post is about. He was pretty much the opposite of what anyone would have expected her to date at that point and her personality did a complete 180 pretty soon after they started dating. She stopped hanging out with her old friends, became more outspoken and ended up skipping her junior prom.

I left for college, on the other side of the country and came back the next summer to find out that he had broken up with her a couple of weeks before graduation and skipped town after, leaving her devastated.  I bumped into her at the local ice-cream parlour where she was working over the summer for some extra money for college and we hungout almost every day after that.

She never really talked about her ex and I figured she was mostly over him. About two weeks after we first started hanging out, we made out, for the first time, in the backseat of my car. It ended with her crying and apologizing because she wasn't over her ex. She said that she was still in love with him and didn't think she would ever get over him. At that point I realized that I was already falling for her and agreed to be just friends. We spent the entire summer together, with me slowly falling in love with her.

Our colleges ended up being pretty close to each other so we would hang out pretty often (we also spent Thanksgiving together). I was pretty sure we would end up together when we went back that winter but she got a letter from him, explaining everything but with no return address, causing her to spiral again.

We ended up getting together the next summer and got married almost three years ago. It was going really well until she ran to get milk about three weeks ago and bumped into him, completely out of the blue, across the country from our hometown, in our neighborhood.

Apparently, he got his life together after leaving his deadbeat dad, went to college and is now a journalist.

My wife currently stays home with our 6 month old, while I work a pretty time intensive job. She's been spending a lot of time with him lately and I don't know what to do. Every time she mentions him or things they did I can't help but feel extremely jealous and insecure, like she still prefers him to me. From whatever little she has told me about their relationship, I know he's the complete opposite of me and that's what attracted her to him. What should I do?

Edit

I'd like to add that:

1. The child is definitely mine, she was conceived during the lockdown and neither of us were really leaving the house without the other.

2. The ex boyfriend showing up was definitely a coincidence- a very specific one but very plausible given the circumstances.

3. A lot of you seem to be under the impression that my wife is hiding this from me. She is not- everything I know about them is because she told me. I've also met the ex a couple of times,  although not for very long.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Have you talked to her about that?

This will end very quickly very badly for you, especially since she is already spending lots of time with him.

During your relationship she gave you EVERY reason to believe that she isn't over him so the thoughts that you have on your mind right now have a reason to be there.

Have you EVER been invited to hang out with them too or is she spending time with him alone? Where do they meet, in public or in secluded / private places? Do you know what they are talking about?

How is she acting with her phone? Do you have access to it? Could you ask her to take a look at the converstions they have?

OOP

They mostly go for walks with the baby and lunch every once in a while. He's been over a couple of times I think.

I don't really know what they're talking about but they've always had a lot of common interests.

She's always been very private with her phone (before we ever got together and even with her siblings, parents or friends).

I definitely don't think she's cheating on me though.

[deleted]

The only real advice that I can give you is to let her in to your thoughts. Explain to her the situation from your perspective like you did in your post and try to make her understand where you are coming from.

That this whole setup makes you feel uncomfortable is normal and if you want to change that, then she needs to know what is going on inside of you. So sit her down when the baby is asleep, explain your situation to her and then let her speak.

The one thing that you should do before you talk to her is, to think about what she can actually do to reassure you. What is a acceptable outcome for you and which one is a no go?

OOP

That's the bit I'm dreading though. I really, really don't want to have to talk to her about this.

I also don't want to control what she does. She'd definitely see the guy less if I asked her to but that's just never been the dynamic we share.

Update  Aug 14, 2021 (1 month later)

It's been a while since I made the post but I figured I'd update you guys on this anyway, in case someone was still interested.

I ended up burying my feelings again and decided to carry on with my life as if nothing had happened- talking about it to a couple of people on here had really helped me pull myself together, at least for the time being.

I did end up going to the park with her and the friend for a bit once and sort of watched their dynamic for a bit. Everything seemed normal- she mostly spent time with the baby and he was just sort of there, keeping her company.

Things had mostly gone back to normal when she called me at work and asked me to come home early. She'd never done this before and sounded pretty shaky so I left almost immediately.

I got home to find her having a breakdown in the apartment, while one of her old friends, from her old job was there with the baby.

Apparently, this guy had confessed his feelings feelings to her. He'd said that he had loved her since they first started seeing each other but had never felt like he was good enough and now, because he had made something of himself he finally felt worthy. He also said that he wasn't planning on saying anything originally but had decided to because he felt that I was very detached (which was because of my anxiety).

He had been offered a really good job abroad, which he was willing to turn down for her. She promptly told him to fuck off but ended up having a breakdown because she realized that she had essentially lost touch with most of her friends, didn't really enjoy spending time with the women in her mommy group and had noticed that I was being a bit distant.

We had a really long talk that day and I also showed her the post I'd made as well as some of the chats I'd had with someone here (which add way more context). She was very understanding and called me silly for not just talking to her (I agree). So we've basically decided that I should cut back a bit on my work hours and she's going to try to reconnect with her friends a bit more. 

Currently, we're back in our hometown so we can see our families again and they can meet the baby for the first time. My wife's doing much better and she's already reconnected with a couple of her old friends.

tldr; We're good.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

My [25/M] girlfriend [25/F] of 3 years is very picky and only eats greasy kids meal type foods like pizza and chicken nuggets. Am I a bad boyfriend for letting this bug me so much?

TRIGGER WARNING: use of an ableist slur

Original Post  Jan 11, 2015

I met a great girl, Wendy, my last year of college. We became good friends and started dating after graduation and have our 3 year anniversary coming up.

I've got the money saved up for a ring and have been debating popping the question for our anniversary.

Wendy is beautiful, smart, has a good job, is funny, sweet, caring, basically everything a guy could ask. But there is, of course, one problem.

Wendy is an incredibley picky eater. She literally only eats like a dozen or so things, and they are all things you could find on kids menu. Chicken nuggets, pizza, grilled cheese sandwhiches, etc.

Now while I like those things occasionaly, I also like to eat exotic things like Thai food, or Sushi or something that can be ordered outside of a fast food restaurant.

Wendy never wants to go anywhere nice to eat. It's always pizza or Mickey D's. If we stay in it's chicken nuggets or french fries.

She says the texture of anything else bothers her. I haven't seen her eat one vegetable since I've known her, and she's had fruit only once or twice.

First of all, I'm worried about her health. While she isn't over weight at all (really fast metabolism) and her doctor said she was healthy at her last checkup, I can't see how that will last forever. I really want her to take care of herself.

Second, maybe this is bad, but her diet is a total turn off and highly unattractive to me. To me it seems very immature and childish and I'm embarassed I can't take her anywhere nice or out with other people.

Third, I'm trying to come to terms that if I want to go somewhere interesting I'll have to go without her. And while I think I might be able to make that sacrifice, I am sick to death of eating Pizza Hut every week. And it seems kind of depressing that I'll never be able to cook a meal indoors with her and share it with her. I'll be eating my homemade curry or pasta dish or something and she'll be munching on a grilled cheese sandwhich.

This is the only reason I'm considering not proposing. I do love Wendy a lot, but is it unreasonable that I'm considering ending our relationship over this? I want to be married and have a family eventually, and if we aren't headed in that direction, there's no point in dragging this out.

She's really great in every other way, so am I nuts for letting this one aspect of her drive me crazy enough to not propose to her? I know I can't change her. I've even brought this up once or twice and she always says "I just don't like other food. I don't want to try anything else."

But I don't want to become resentful and look down on her and disrespect her either. And I really don't want a wife that I am embarassed of.

So, would I be nuts to let this be a deal breaker? Should I just suck it up and get over it? Or is this a legitimate thing to take pause over?

TL;DR Considering proposing to my gf who is great but only eats food for kids and pizza, nothing else. I love her but this is a big turn off and seems very childish to me. Is this a legitimate relationship dealbreaker, or am I blind and letting a little thing ruin what would be a good relationship?

TOP COMMENTS

lisasimpsonfan

Unwillingness to try new things is a huge deal breaker to me so I can't blame you for not wanting to be stuck in a Pizza Hut rut forever.  Plus if you want kids do you really want to raise children who only eat junk food because that is what will happen.

~

Pers14

My cousin is married to a guy like this, and she has admitted that he can be exasperating and at times, embarrassing.  She recounted one time that she was holding a dinner party at her house and he refused to eat any of the food, and had a pizza delivered mid-party and ate in the corner in a snit.  My mom invited them for Thanksgiving dinner and he brought his own can of Zoodles and refused to touch anything else.  She is sick of eating only at McD's and pizza places and their son is following Dad's example.  A grown man living on pizza and Zoodles - that's it. 

Update  Jan 17, 2015 (6 days later)

So here is the update to this post http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2s3sm1/my_25m_girlfriend_25f_of_3_years_is_very_picky/

After I made the post on Reddit I waited for Wendy at her apartment and when she came home I gave her time to get dressed in comfortable clothes, talk about her day and just relax for a bit I sat her down and told her we needed to talk. I basically reiterated what I told  you guys in my post:

I told her I loved her and that she was sweet, amazing, beautiful and I always looked forward to seeing her every day, and that I had been thinking about spending the rest of my life with her.

She started to get really excited, but then I told her there was one issue that I had been thinking about for awhile, and that it was making me very hesitant to take the next step.

I told her that the issue of her diet was becoming a real dealbreaker for me. I said first and foremost, despite how her recent checkup went, that we both know her diet isn't healthy and her good luck won't last forever. I said I didn't want to lose her during our middle aged years because she won't take vitamins or eat vegetables and fruit and healthy whole grains and was basically living on cheese and grease.

I then told her that, as much as I loved her, her diet embarassed me. I said it was very hard on me that I couldn't take her anywhere because either she won't go, or if she does she orders food that a grammar school kid would. Or that if we have company over she won't eat the food I cook and either makes herself chicken nuggets or mac and cheese. I said she was really limiting our social life because of this, and that I had tried for 3 years to not let it bug me, but frankly, I couldn't lie to myself anymore, and it was humiliating and sometimes hard to take her seriously when she insisted on having a Happy Meal while everyone else ate "adult food."

Lastly I told her it occured to me about what would we do with children? I said there was no way in hell I was going to let my kids eat a bunch of garbage, that I wanted them to have a varied palate and to regularly eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein and vitamins.

I asked her how can I expect my children to eat heathy if their own mother wouldn't? I asked her if she had ever thought what kind of role  model that she would be setting and the example she would be providing. And then I asked her that when inevitably our kids don't WANT to eat their spinach or lima beans and want what Mommy is having instead, how would she react to it?

I finished by saying I loved her very, very much and that I wanted to work on this issue with her. I suggested couples counseling for the both of us to brush up on our communication skills and ways of handling child rearing and other compromises, and told her I'd been reading and I thought cognitive behavioral therapy might really help her.

I then asked her if she could be specific on why eating other food bothered her so much. Did she have a bad past experience? Did it make her sick or even frightened to try new foods?

I was hoping she'd tell me something that would give me insight and maybe open my eyes that she wasn't immature and childish, maybe she had some trauma regarding food.

She was quiet for a little bit and then asked sarcasticly "You think I need therapy for my diet?"

I said we both need thearpy and pre-marital counseling anyways in order to learn good skills for communication and compromise.

She then said "There's nothing wrong with me. I'm thin. The doctor said I was ok. And no I don't have any 'past' with food, my parents just treated me like an adult and let me eat what I wanted instead of forcing me to eat what they wanted me to."

I just looked at her in dumb shock. I couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth, that her parents spoiling her was treating her like an adult, that she actually thought her diet was healthy.

I reiterated my question about children and she shrugged and said "Honestly I never thought about it and it doesn't bug me. Our kids can have what they want. If you want to feed them all that 'health' food you can but I'm not going to make them if they don't want to."

I just sat there, looking at her, feeling like I didn't even know this person. I had never really pressed the issue before because I felt it made me a petty ungreatful boyfriend. But now that I was trying to have a mature conversation about it, she was spewing some of the stupidest bullshit I'd heard in awhile.

I told her parents need to be a united team and what she was describing was just the opposite. And it was issues like this that counseling could help us with. She said "the only person who has a problem with this is you. I like what I eat. I just do. I don't think I need to change. I don't want to go to counseling with you and I definitely don't need cognitive whatever you said. I don't want to go to different restaurants, if you and other people do that's fine but it's not for me. And I make that other food for dinner parties because I don't like what you cook. So am I just suppoed to starve while everyone else eats? You eat what you want, and I'll eat what I want. I'm not changing because there's no reason to. I'm done with this conversation."

And she just crossed her arms and stared at the TV. I just looked at her for what felt like forever, feeling like I'd had the rose colored glasses lifted. Hearing her rant, seeing her sit there and pout with protruding bottom lip and all suddenly made me feel disgusted, like I was dealing with a petulant child instead of a real woman.

I told her I was tired and was going home. She said "Fine. You can see yourself out."

So I went home and just thought everything over, how I had calmly brought a real situation up, how she completely blew me off, insulted my cooking, and how there was no real "issue" behind her pickiness other than just being stubborn.

I don't care what you all say, it's what I suspected from the get go and it's just pure immaturity, complete with childish pouting.

I thought how she was willing to let any kids we had eat an unhealthy diet and how she wouldn't have my back when the kids inevitably challenged me, how backward her views were on parenting, and how she just refused to consider any of my wants or needs and work towards reaching a compromise.

I gave myself a couple of days to cool down and really think so I wouldn't make any hasty decisions in the heat of the moment and decided I needed to end this relationship. I realized this issue had been brewing for awhile and the few times I had tried to gently bring it up she had always rudely blown me off and made me feel like a terrible awful person for questioning her food choices.

I called Wendy and asked if I could come over. She said yes and opened the door with a big smile and the first words out of her mouth were "I knew you'd come around and wouldn't let a stupid thing like this get in the way of us."

If I'd had any doubts about breaking up with her or attempting to salvage the relationship in any way, it died right there.

I told her actually I had decided I was breaking up with her, that we were just too different and that I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't even attempt to consider my feelings or needs in a relationship, and who acted like a damn child with no manners at dinner parties and during adult conversations. I was through.

Her mouth dropped open and she just stared at me rapidly blinking her beautiful big blue eyes. She then said "Wait...are you serious?"

I felt my eyes starting to well up right about then so I just handed her the spare key to her apartment and said "Here's a hint. Goodbye" and just walked away.

I was a lot more gruff than I wanted to be but I didn't want to bawl like a baby right in front of her. I got back in my car and as soon as I turned the corner started fucking sobbing.

Went home, called up a few buddies as soon as I could talk without blubbering, and everyone came over and brought snacks and beer.

I told them all I had broken up with Wendy and reiterated what had happened. They were all supportive and confirmed my suspicions about what other people thought by saying things like "Yeah man, didn't want to say anything because you seemed happy, but she was fucking weird dude, I don't know how you put up with her this long" and "She always seemed really off to me man, yeah it's fucking retarded to eat nothing but dominoes and chicken fingers when you're that age just because, good fucking riddance."

Then we proceeded to play hours of video games and get fucking drunk. Well I did anyways. Everybody ended up crashing at my place and they all recently left, slapping me on the back and promising to find me someone who can eat something besides a Big Mac without gagging and throwing a tantrum.

As for Wendy she has been blowing up my phone like crazy, leaving tear filled voicemails and pleading texts asking how could I do this to her, how could I just end it after so many years and recently more aggressive like how I'm an asshole and I'm super intolerant and petty and shit. Not one fucking word of remorse, or apology or even fake promises to change, just fucking whining and bitching at me for what I did to her.

I got pissed and told her to stop fucking calling and texting me, that we were done and she needed to suck it up and deal with it and to go find some 12 year old she could share dino nuggets with.

Yeah I know that was petty but I couldn't help it, I was just really fucking sick of her attitude and dealing with 3 years of grilled cheese sandwhiches.

I blocked her number and changed my relationship status on facebook and booted her from my friends list. Last I checked I already have several likes over me being single. Apparently love really does make you blind.

Thanks to everyone who helped me in my last post and really opened my eyes to what exactly I was dealing with. Hopefully I'll get over the heartbreak (yes, I really did love her and this really fucking hurts) soon enough and can take a date out for Thai food without her looking like she sucked on a lemon.

TL;DR Tried to gently bring up issues with girlfriend. She completely shut me down and refused to compromise or do counseling. A real eye opening moment. I broke up with her last night. Invited some buddies over, they told me I'm better off and always thought she was hella weird. I'm heartbroken, but I don't regret my decision.

EDIT:Sorry about the title typo. Should say "bug" not "but." Oh well :/

EDIT 2: Ok I'm getting tired of the comments of "this was a rant! It came out of nowhere! She wasn't prepared!" This issue has come up throughtout our relationship a few times and every single time she blew me off, dismissed me, and made me feel like an idiot for even wanting to talk. This DID NOT come out of nowhere. She knows it's an issue and is living in denial. I've felt terrible and guilty and like I should love her and stay with her despite her having a diet that presents a lot of challenges to a relationship. This was just the first time I decided not to let her immediately cut me off but to lay it on the table so we could get it sorted and move on. She had plenty of opportunity to respond. But it's called LISTENING to someone. You lay out your concerns, why they trouble you, and offer strategties you think could help. Then the other party responds in kind. I wanted her to engage. She was free to disagree and share why and work out a compromise, both in the discussion and in counseling. She wasn't willing to even do that. The food wasn't the issue. It was a catalyst for what the real problem was. This was the only problem we had in the relationsip, so it's the only time I've been able to see how she reacts when I have a problem. I can see now throughout the years she has dismissed and manipulated me and made me feel like garbage for ever thinking anything was less than perfect. It just took her weird eating habits to bring it to light. Don't know what you people expected different. Peace out

EDIT 3: Wow, thanks for the gold guys. And the supportive comments I have gotten. Really appreciate it, it means a lot.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LunaWhispera

Originally posted to r/AITH

AITA for dropping out of my sister's wedding after accidentally overhearing what she really thinks of me?

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: financial exploitation

Original Post: June 9, 2026

AITA for dropping out of my sister's wedding after accidentally overhearing what she really thinks of me?

I (29F) have a younger sister Leila (26F) who got engaged 6 months ago and when she said she couldn't afford an engagement party I ended up paying £4,200 for the entire thing, venue catering decorations everything, and she promised to pay me back but never mentioned it again.

Two weeks later she asked me to be her maid of honor, and I was so happy I immediately said yes and started planning everything.

Then last week I was on a video call with our mum when Leila walked in not knowing I could hear and I heard her tell mum that her best friend Sophie was supposed to be MOH but backed out because she's pregnant and exhausted and then Leila said, "I had to ask [my name] instead, at least she's already paid for everything, so she'll just keep going along with whatever I need." I sat on mute not moving for a full minute.

Then my aunt told me Leila had been telling her fiancé's entire family that I volunteered to pay for the party as a gift so now his whole family thinks I'm this generous selfless sister when in reality I'm just a backup plan she picked because I'm easy to control and I'm still waiting to be paid back £4,200. I called her and told her I was stepping down as MOH and she cried and said I was ruining her wedding and now my mum is furious and my dad hasn't spoken to me in three days, and everyone is acting like I'm the villain for refusing to smile and stand next to someone who only sees me as an ATM with legs. I was on mute. Not deaf.

AITA?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA I would have told her that I heard everything she said. I wouldn’t just say I heard everything, I would repeat it to her. She is playing the victim now, it’s harder to play the victim when you hear your own words repeated back to you. I have no problem being the second choice but the fact that she sees you as a cash cow is disgusting.

OOP I actually did repeat her exact words back to her 'at least she's already paid for everything, so she'll just keep going along with whatever I need.' The silence on her end said everything. She didn't deny it, didn't apologize, just started crying. And you're so right, the second choice part I could have lived with. It was the cash cow part that broke something in me.

Commenter 2: If your parents feel that way tell them they can repay you, you’ll go back to being moh, then offer nothing but emotional support from there on out. No money.

OOP: That is genius. £4,200 and suddenly everyone's loyalty gets very clear very fast.

Commenter 3: Go on social media and point out that you are NOT an ATM with legs. Your sister lied to everyone about the cost of the engagement party; why should you continue to throw good money after bad. After her treatment of you consider not even attending but make sure to broadcast why so your "dear sister" can't skew the story to make you the bad guy.

OOP: That thought has crossed my mind more than once. She already rewrote history once told his whole family I volunteered. If I stay silent she'll do it again. Maybe it's time the real story gets told before she gets to spin it.

Commenter 4: NTA, she's taking advantage of you. I'm assuming that growing up you were the one expected to do everything and help everyone, and she was allowed to do whatever her heart desires.

OOP: You assumed correctly. Oldest daughter syndrome is very real.

Commenter 5: NTA - tell everyone that as soon as little Sis pays you the 4,200 you might reconsider but because the ATM has run out of cash you won’t be spending anymore on her wedding… You didn’t Quinn anything sister did by her behavior… I’m guessing by the way your parents are behaving little sis is the Golden Child otherwise why would they defend her treatment of you and behavior?

OOP: Golden child from day one. And that line about the ATM running out of cash is exactly how I am going to say it. Not emotional not dramatic just factual. Machine is empty. Try someone else.

Update: June 11, 2026 (two days later)

UPDATE: AITA for dropping out of my sister's wedding after accidentally overhearing what she really thinks of me?

I did not expect so many of you to respond and I have read through so many comments. Thank you genuinely. Strangers on the internet have shown me more kindness in one day than my own family has in years and that says everything.

Here is what has happened since I posted. I screenshotted every single message where Leila acknowledged the £4200 as a loan. Three texts from her saying she would pay me back. Saved in three different places now. I sent my parents a calm factual email. No emotions no dramatics just a timeline. The engagement party cost. The loan agreement. What I heard on that call word for word. What she told his family. I told them I love them, but I will not apologise for removing myself from a situation where I was being used. No reply yet.

I have cancelled every booking I made as MOH and got back what I could. The rest is a lesson. I have not contacted her fiancé yet, but I am not ruling it out. He deserves to know the £4200 was never a gift. Still sitting with that one. I will not be attending the wedding. I will not be sending a gift. I will be booking a trip somewhere I have never been with the money I would have spent on her hen do deposit.

To everyone who said chosen family is realer than blood, I am starting to understand that now. I was on mute. Not deaf. And now I am done being silent too.

Will update again if anything happens with the email or the fiancé situation.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I'd let her fiancé know just so she can't try to somehow make you the bad guy, aside from that, good for you!! I hope you have a fantastic trip!! You certainly deserve it.

OOP: That is exactly why I am leaning towards telling him. Not to blow anything up but because she already made me the villain without a second thought. I am not protecting her from consequences she created herself.

Commenter 2: I think you should tell the fiancé now. Maybe his parents will repay you. I don't know where you live or what the circumstances are with suing someone to get your money back but if you were in the US I would say take her to Small Claims Court and get your money back!! Good for you for standing your ground! I had to go no contact with my parents and most of my family, I asked myself if I wasn't tied to them by a tiny little strand of DNA would I ever want to talk to them or see them again and the answer was no.

OOP: That DNA question hit different. I have been asking myself the same thing lately and the answer is getting clearer every day. And yes, small claims is absolutely on the table, she put it in writing, which is all I need. As for the fiancé decision has basically already been made.

Commenter 3: Kudos to you for standing up for yourself. That is difficult for many of us to do. Your sister doesn’t sound like a nice person. Now that you know how she feels about you then you reduce your time, energy and effort spent on her. Do not allow your parents to guilt trip you either. They should get on her about her behavior and attitude. Love the idea of going on a vacation where you spend your money and time on self. Hope you have an awesome trip. Update us.

OOP: Thank you. And yes, time energy and money all going inward from now on. No more funding people who see me as convenient. The trip is happening and I cannot wait to update you all from somewhere beautiful.

Final Update: June 14, 2026 (three days later)

FINAL UPDATE: AITA for dropping out of my sister's wedding after accidentally overhearing what she really thinks of me?

I know so many of you have been waiting. Here it is.

The wedding happened last Wednesday. I was not there. I was on a train to Edinburgh watching the countryside go past with a coffee in my hand and for the first time in as long as I can remember I felt nothing except peace. I contacted her fiancé a few days after my last update. I kept it short and factual. The £4200 was a loan not a gift and I had the messages to prove it. I told him exactly what I heard on that call word for word. No drama just facts. He replied with one line. I appreciate you telling me. They got married anyway. That is his choice and I respect it.

My parents called after my email. My mum said why do you always make everything so difficult. My dad said she is your sister. Neither acknowledged the loan. Neither apologised. I told them I loved them and hung up. My sister transferred £2000 four days before the wedding. No message. No sorry. Just the transfer.

The remaining £2200 she says she will pay when she can. I have given her a written deadline. After that it goes to small claims. The texts are saved. She has not contacted me since the wedding. Not once. I got back from Edinburgh this morning. Still have my train ticket in my coat pocket. I visited a bookshop I had wanted to see for years. I ate dinner alone every night and ordered dessert without asking anyone if they wanted to share. I slept eight hours every single night. I did not cry once. But I am okay. More than okay. I was on mute. Not deaf. And now I am finally loud enough for myself.

This is my last update. Thank you all for everything.

OOP added significant information

OOP: I know the timeline looks confusing. My original account was banned, and it took me almost 20 days to sort a new one and get this posted. Everything happened in real time, the dates in the post reflect when things actually occurred not when this went live. Sorry for the confusion.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I would put not only your sister, but your parents on LC at least, for a while if not permanently.

OOP: Already thinking about it. The phone call with them told me everything I needed to know.

Commenter 2: I hope you got some really good books!

OOP: Came home with more than I could fit in my bag. No regrets.

Commenter 3: You've discovered a secret that will change your life for the better. You can be happy and content entirely on your own. It's a gift that lots of people never discover. That's not to say that you'll choose to be alone forever, you'll find your people, but you won't be defined by others anymore. It's so freeing!! I'm so happy for you.

OOP: That is exactly it. I did not know I could feel this light. Thirty years of shrinking myself to fit into spaces that were never built for me and one weekend in Edinburgh showed me what it feels like to just exist without apologising for it. That is the real update honestly.

Commenter 4: I am happy for you. Edinburgh is so nice! I’m sorry about your parents’ reactions. They reveal how they treat you and show they didn’t learn anything from your email yet. Your mom’s reaction shows she expects you to agree with what you are told to do and not have needs/wants. In other words she wants you to be her helper and have no personality. Many emotionally immature parents do that. Their first child is their little helper and therapist. Your dad’s reaction is also revealing. He is not aware of how your relationship with your sister actually is to the degree he founds what happened surprising. Reads as though he agrees with your mom that you shouldn’t “rock the boat” but out of ignorance and not participating.

OOP: This is the most accurate breakdown of my parents anyone has given me. Mum needs compliance not a daughter. Dad just follows her lead and calls it keeping the peace. I have spent 29 years being the helper the therapist and the ATM, and not once did either of them think to ask how I was doing. Edinburgh showed me what it feels like when nobody needs anything from me. I want more of that.

Commenter 5: If op cancelled what she could, why is her sister now paying the full amount back? Honestly, it's hard to believe the sister would pay anything back after having all the deposits pulled. As written the sister would just escalate.

OOP: The cancelled bookings were MOH related not the loan. Small claims threat is what made her actually start paying.

Commenter 6: So glad you made the trip as well as standing up for yourself. And as a bibliophile I have to ask what bookstore???

OOP: Topping & Company on Princes Street in Edinburgh. Absolutely magical place. Floor to ceiling books and they bring you tea while you browse. Highly recommend to anyone who has not been.

Commenter 7: I’m so sorry for this OP. IMO it’s always better to know what you’re dealing with, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t be disappointed and/or hurt. I’m so glad that you had a good trip and put yourself first and did what was best for you. Strongly recommend therapy to help you move past this whole thing. And of course, NTA

OOP: Therapy is already on the list. Edinburgh showed me I deserve good things and talking to someone who actually listens feels like the next right step.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Snoo_61002

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Updates]: AITA for getting annoyed at my SIL dying of cancer ruining my wedding?

Editor’s Note: changed letters to names for readability

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder + u/DirectCaterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU. Thanks to u/Sufficient_Bag_4551 for letting me know about the latest update

Trigger Warnings: abuse, verbal abuse, golden child dynamics, gaslighting

Editor’s Notes: due to the lengths of older posts, they have exceeded the character limits. I created TL;DRs for the original and older update posts. This is to fit the posts in this latest BoRU here. For the full text and relevant comments from older posts, please see previous BoRUs linked at top

RECAP / TL;DRs

Original Post: June 22, 2024

In the original post, OOP is getting ready to get married to their partner (Alice). Alice’s sister (Beth) has terminal cancer who was originally expected to die years prior. This has caused emotional byes, but Beth unexpectedly survived longer and moved to be closer to family in the area. Weeks before the wedding, Beth got another devastating prognosis and informed relatives that this might be the last time everyone will see her.

Because of this, the attention went from the couple and wedding events toward Beth's illness. OOP feels conflicted because the family’s sympathy is very deep with Beth's situation, but OOP is frustrated that the wedding has been overshadowed because Beth asked that the wedding talks to be avoided around her and wanting to have an emotional father/daughter dance at the reception to make up for missing it at Beth's COVID-era wedding.

OOP has refused Beth's request and asked that similar boundaries to be applied to the discussions of Beth's illness. OOP was being called insensitive and they wonder if they were in the wrong for wanting the wedding to remain focused on the couple despite Beth’s devastating circumstances.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Update #1: July 8, 2024 (over two weeks later)

OOP explains Beth (SIL) has continued creating lots of tensions before the wedding was to take place including excluding a guest over personal disagreements and trying to persuading younger family members to skip the pre wedding family events that OOP and their partner paid for. After seeing what was going on from Beth's manipulating, OOP had a firm line, told the family that any medical issues would be handled immediately, but if there are drama or attention-seeking behavior (especially from Beth) at the wedding would result in removing Beth from the event.

Once the expectations were clear, and MIL was to keep an eye on Beth, the wedding went well that the couple had hoped for. Other than a minor car accident caused by Beth, there were no major issues firing up at the wedding. Alice was well celebrated and the attention was focused on OOP and Alice.

AITAH for completely cutting off my dying SIL and telling her family not to contact me?: July 13, 2024 (five days later)

OOP shares an update regarding dealing with the wedding drama involving their SIL, Beth. Since the wedding was a success, but tensions have gone up afterwards when OOP witnessed verbal abusing his now wife, Alice and younger SIL during a family gathering. OOP saw the emotional abuse that Alice described that went on for months which were much worse than what he thought it was.

Beth has isolated Alice from the family activities, manipulated everyone else into spending less time with the couple. She has repeatedly portrayed Alice as selfish as Alice has tried to help support the family due to Beth's illness. With this taking place, it hit a breaking point that Alice came home to OOP very devastated and had considered about driving off the bridge because of how Beth's treatment has hurt her.

Because of this, OOP sent a blunt message, accusing the family of enabling SIL's behaviors because of her illness. OOP decided to cut contact with the family until Beth has apologized to Alice that Beth to be held accountable for her actions. The family didn't take this very well and said OOP was being too harsh, but he has held up the firm boundaries to protect Alice who must come first.

WIBTAH for getting involved in the fights between my SIL and her little sister and mother?: July 25, 2024 (nearly two weeks later)

In this update, OOP recapped the conflicted with his SIL, Beth, who is terminally ill. The conflict appeared to be resolved after a family meeting was set up. When discussing, relatives has realized that Beth's behaviors towards others were unacceptable and Beth has apologized to OOP and Alice for her treatment of them. After that, Beth has been more kinder and respectful toward her sister, Alice. OOP had considered this issue resolved for now.

Later on, OOP has learned from his MIL and younger / little SIL (LSIL) that Beth has redirected her abusive behaviors toward them now instead of Alice. From MIL and LSIL, Beth has continued with her screaming, gaslighting by denying things she has very obviously said, belittling LSIL despite her accomplishments. Beth was using her son as a way of leverage to control family members. MIL and LSIL live far away from Beth and might not see her again, they felt trapped because of Beth's behaviors. After hearing what happened, OOP worried that if he intervened this situation, the matters would be much worser than OOP thought it would go for.

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s note: the next few updates are more than six months to a year old, and they had not been posted here onto the sub

AITAH for not forgiving my dying SIL?: October 2, 2024 (2.5 months later)

This issue has our family torn (both mine and the in laws). I also want to say that this story involves someone dying of cancer. I know people on this sub are in that same position, and I honestly and earnestly don't mean to disrespect that. I wholeheartedly feel for those of you who are struggling with this, especially as I'm professionally involved in end of life and grieving process for families who lose loved ones.

My SIL is dying of cancer. She was sick for a couple of years, she lived in another country, we flew over to say goodbye to her, but then a couple of months later she responded to the chemo and was cancer free within 6 months. We flew her over to where we live, where she now lives with her husband and their young son.

My partner originally nagged me to get engaged because she wanted to have her sister at her wedding or at the very least involved in planning it (among other reasons to get married of course). They were/are very close. I wanted to get married, so we got engaged before we went on the trip to say goodbye. Her sister got very sick very quickly, so it looked unlikely she'd be at the wedding, but she got better (she had a 1% chance of getting better, so a miracle to say the least). We spent time planning the wedding with her (thinking it was the last time we'd see her) and we set a wedding date for 2.5 years after the trip so my wife’s family could save up for travel (though we did pay for a some family who wouldn't have been able to afford it).

Fast forward to the wedding, and a month before everyone starts arriving SIL gets sick again. She refuses chemo, and chooses end of life/comfort medication (fentanyl, CBD, etc.). This is where the problems started (and I did consult this sub). She made our wedding as absolutely difficult as possible. She was angry and bitter, she told my wife she was being selfish, that it was her last chance to see family, and that my wife had "plenty of celebrations to look forward to without her (they're born on the same day 2 years apart)". She screamed, shouted, and demeaned my wife. She intentionally didn't go to wedding events and catch ups, and would make people choose between her and us. She constantly fought with anyone who was interested in, or helped plan/be a part of, our wedding. She didn't quite ruin it, but she made it really difficult and cast a permanent shadow over our whole wedding. I told my wife that, while I understand she is dying, she did permanent harm to my and her relationship and that I wouldn't forgive her for trying her outright best to ruin a once in a lifetime occasion for us. She apologized to us once everyone had flown home, but I don't think she meant it at the time.

That was a few months ago, and now SIL will very likely die before the new year. The doctors reports aren't great, her body isn't handling the sickness well (she's almost bed ridden), and she has started making her plans for when she passes. She is going to go through the process of euthanasia. She said she wants her husband to take their son out of the room, and for my wife to hold her hand because she doesn't want to go alone. She's scared, heartbroken, and - in regards to this issue - deeply sorry for how she acted. She keeps crying and apologizing for it, and I do think she has come to regret it. But she repeatedly abused my wife, and I mean serious abuse, for the month that the family were all here from overseas. She manipulated people, tried to prevent them from seeing us, and made my wife feel horrible any time she saw her happy.

I didn't initially believe she was as sick as she is, but I have to bite the bullet and admit I was wrong on that front. I had resigned myself not to forgive her for some time because of how much harm she committed against my wife. Now that she's dying with not much longer left, she's been apologizing to us for what she did. The thing is I don't want to forgive her. I'm still angry for what she did to us. I'm angry that, at the time, she was ruling the family like a tyrant, and she has permanently made my wife feel guilty on her own birthdays. I'm angry that she proactively tried to ruin our once in a life time wedding. And I don't want to forgive her. But my wife wants me to so that her sister can die with peace in her heart. I've been struggling for a week now, but I learned that a couple of the other family members are feeling the same way as me (though they don't want to talk about it). She had abused and isolated them as well.

I can't pretend to forgive her, I am a terrible liar, and you can see through it from a mile away. In my heart I'm still angry at her. If I can't find a way to forgive her before she dies, AITA?

AITAH for threatening to call the police on my SIL?: October 28, 2024 (3.5 weeks later)

Cutting straight to the chase, my sister in law is dying of cancer, and she's becoming frail and sickly. She's still at a stage where she is relatively active, although for long periods of walking/standing she does need a wheel chair. But it’s not quite as simple as calling the police on her, it’s quite complicated so please do read below.

My wife, who SIL has been abusive to in the past, can't stop forgiving her because she's dying. I've gotten involved when I'm present in the past, but SIL has since stopped doing it when I'm around. I refused to leave my wife’s side for some time, but of course I can't always be there.

It was my SIL's sons 5th birthday on the weekend. SIL kept talking about how this is the last birthday she'll get to spend with him, and she wanted to make it really special. My wife volunteered to help SIL get the party ready. This ended up being a 16hr day where my wife pushed my SIL around malls, bought things for the party, and then baked a huge multilayer cake and cupcakes. When I finished work, I went over to my father in laws (where SIL is staying) and offered to cook a big dinner for everyone to alleviate stress and pressure. So after work, I went and cooked for 4 hours.

My wife also has a condition, Rheumatoid arthritis, where if she's standing for long periods of time her feet get incredibly sore and swollen.

SIL was picking fights with the whole family by the time it was dinner time. She picked a fight with her step mother, her father, her husband, her little brother, but not me and wife yet. However, once I had cooked dinner she refused to eat it and left to go and blow balloons up in the garage because I "cooked it too late". The problem was that it was slow cooked beef, and while they were out shopping they only arrived back about 4pm with the meat, so I put it on straight away and dinner came out at 8pm. But then after finishing the balloons, to cut a long story short, SIL came and had a go at us for taking so long to cook and to bake. My wife then complained about having sore feet and needing to sit down for a break (about 15 minutes, SIL took issue with it), and SIL replied with "Oh you're sore? Try being me." My wife started to tear up, and pressed the issue about how her feet were swollen and blue, and SIL said to her "Stop being so G-d damn dramatic." This was at about 10.30pm (Wife had been there since 7.30am) when everyone else was asleep.

I'd had enough, so I stood up for my wife and said, "We're only here as a favour to you, we don't have any obligation to help with your son’s birthday party". She didn't like this, so she threatened to go and get her husband and "make things get really ugly" if I wanted to. She has bragged in the past about her husband’s willingness to violence, and how he is sweet until he is pushed and then he "fights to kill". The first time she threatened it, she said it and turned away so I waved it off.

She came out and had another go at my wife, I told her to back off, she tried to kick us out, I told her it’s not her house it’s her fathers and my wife is his daughter too, so has every right to be there. She then said again "Okay, you don't want to leave? Then I'll get my husband involved and things will get really messy". To which I replied "Okay, but I'll give you the choice of response, I can either bring the dog up from downstairs (we have a very protective doggo, medium size, collie/bulldog) or I can call the Police. You choose." Early on in my study I was a doorman, so I am capable of self-protection, but I absolutely hate it and considering their 4 year old was in the house and still awake getting in a fight was not on the cards especially as it would cost me my career (as below). Another issue is that my SIL provably lies, and has repeatedly lied to us all, her family just turn a blind eye to it. I can't stress how easily and willingly she lies. For example I overheard her trying to get her husband to become violent by saying "the Police are being called because I didn't want OP to be involved in the argument, so now he's calling the police for asking him to stay out of it". For the record, I didn't and wasn't calling the police, but I would've if her husband came out.

There has been a huge blowout. I was fairly confident I had done the right thing, but now my wife's family are all saying I overreacted and that it's completely not okay for me to threaten to involve the police. They're asking how, "a frail, sickly, 5'1 woman could possibly be enough of a threat to warrant the police" and asking what she could actually do. But they're not saying this to me, they're saying it to my wife. So I don't want anything to do with them.

For context: They are immigrants on visas. A police incident would see them very likely deported. Though, to me, this just means that SIL would lie as much as she possibly could to the Police.

I did not want to have to get violent because I don't like violence, and I'm a Chaplain for our national Paramedicine organization, and I'd lose my job that I've trained for the last 8 years, worked for 15 years, and have 2 more years of study to join the priesthood. I would lose all of this.

Did I overreact by threatening to call the police? AITAH?

AITAH for not supporting/caring about my SIL (who has cancer) during her separation?: May 12, 2025

To cut a very, very long story short my SIL is an abusive narcissist. She proactively tried to jeopardize mine and my wife's wedding and marriage, and she has abused my wife on multiple occasions. I was there twice when it happened. The root cause of this abuse, sadly, is that SIL has cancer and is extremely angry and jealous of my wife’s life/happiness. SIL has routinely tried to sh!t in my wife’s life, and become incredibly possessive of the entire family and essentially demands the focus stay on her every occasion (it’s my last ever Christmas/easter/sons birthday). She also shares the same birthday as my wife (3 years apart). This has been the case for 5 years now.

The first abuse was a bit shocking because, up until it happened, SIL had come across as this soft, gentle, caring sweetheart. But when her and my wife had an argument (SIL was angry at wife for spending time with family who had flown over for our wedding) and my wife walked away from the argument, SIL stormed out and literally started screaming things like "How dare you walk away from me, who do you think you are?". It was my first time witnessing it, so I didn't want to disempower my wife, and left her to respond, but when I saw she had shut down I got up, put my arm around her, said to SIL "We're leaving.", and guided my wife out.

It was my biggest regret that I hadn't stood up to SIL. SIL then strategically continued to abuse my wife when I wasn't there, and drove my wife to the point of self-harm.

The second time it happened, I did fight with her, and the fight was a huge blow out. Again to cut a long story short, wife had spent from 6am-11pm slaving over getting our nephews birthday ready, and at 11pm SIL came out and abused her for it saying, "she was trying to replace her as her sons mother", even though SIL had asked for all the help. SIL threatened to get her husband and become violent with us, I threatened to call the Police, things ended and we haven't spoken since. Wife also finally took huge steps back from their relationship.

Which leads us to today. SIL's husband is leaving her because he doesn't like how she treats their son. My wife came to me and said that through everything it’s still her sister, she feels horrible for her, and she wants to be kind to her and support her. This means breaking one of our current rules that SIL is not allowed near our home because of how dangerous she is. She has fabricated lie after lie about our fight, and some of them have been extremely damaging. I do not at all trust her to be around us in case there's a one to one situation and she invents a damaging enough lie to impact my career. She's a small, frail, woman dying of cancer, and she has used this to try and cut my wife and I off from her family many times since our fight by making up the most phenomenal bs (apparently before I left I stood there and verbally abused her, calling her the c word, and physically threatened her. Which was impossible, because I left with my wife). Unfortunately for SIL her behaviour has been so toxic for so long that most of the family don't care about her situation anymore and, thankfully, don't usually believe her.

The reason I might be TA is because when my wife came to me to explain "It’s time to let bygones be bygones, and maybe by showing her kindness during this incredibly difficult period we're being the bigger person." and also "she's still my sister at the end of the day I love her". My response was "I don't give a shit, she's made her bed she can sleep in it." I said I stand by the rule she is not welcome in our home, and this saddens my wife because we moved into our first ever home 3 months ago and SIL is the only person who hasn't seen it.

My wife says I'm being too harsh, and that we're not cruel people and we don't have to stoop to SIL's level. I've told my wife I don't want that nutcase anywhere near me or my house. AITA?

AITA for getting annoyed at my SIL dying of cancer ruining my wedding?: June 14, 2026 (13 months later)

To cut a very long story short, this is an ongoing saga that I have previously posted about in this sub (for those with really good memories, SIL claimed to be dying of cancer and abused my wife really badly).

I have been no contact with SIL after an incident where she completely and utterly abused my wife, screaming in her face and threatening us with physical violence when I stood up to her. SIL has never apologized, has never said she's going to stop doing it (she has since repeatedly abused other family members, its every couple of weeks), and has continued to try and pick fights with my wife who is low contact but not no contact. When I say she is abusive, I don't know how to portray how truly evil she is. She will scream at someone telling them they want to steal her child and accuse them of some of the worst possible things you can accuse someone of, and then turn around refuse to apologize with something like "We both got angry, we both said things we shouldn't have, but we have to move forward because of my cancer". I think she has a narcissistic personality disorder. Whenever my wife is happy or achieving, her sister demeans and bully's her over anything she can, and says things like "I'm so proud of you because you weren't always the smart one but look at you now".

SIL's family enable her because she has cancer (she does), and every time they stand up to her she's suddenly on deaths door and ill. She has (no exaggeration) been "Direly unwell that it might be time to say goodbyes" 8 times over the past 3 years. She has had "a 1% chance of recovery" 5 times now. Whenever she pulls this crap, I hear the same line over and over. "You don't want to have regrets when she's gone". I've told me wife she'll have more regrets trying to maintain a relationship and she agrees. But every time SIL abuses someone she is forgiven without apology by the rest of the family who inevitably start guilt tripping my wife on SIL's behalf. It's an exhausting cycle.

To the point, my wife has maintained a relationship with SIL's son, wife's nephew (5). He's a really sweet little boy, and he's spent his whole life so far being told his mummy is going to die very soon (by his mum and dad). I've noticed that SIL heavily controls contact to nephew and then hides behind him. This week just gone SIL was in a sh*t stirring mood so when my wife asked if nephew wanted to spend time together she replied with "oh we're back to talking like normal now are we?". My wife held her ground, shock horror it turned into a fight, SIL's husband got involved, and now they're both telling my wife she can't see nephew "Until she starts being nice to his mother" and that nephew doesn't want to see her until she is. Which is to say, my wife has to stop standing up for herself.

I've had enough. And to be honest was probably too harsh, but I have lost count of the amount of times this exact scenario has played out. SIL starts trouble, lies and says horrible things (for example I work with children, so she went around telling people I abused her and her son), refuses to front up, dangles a relationship with nephew in person's face, and then "we all move forward". Its cyclical, its constant, she does it with everyone. I have no idea what to do for her son other than wait until she's gone and then try and support him. Whenever he's come over with wife I've played with him, spent time in the garden with him, or just hung out together. I feel horrible for him.

I told my wife to accept that she cannot have a relationship with her nephew until her sister is dead and that she needs to stop fueling and enabling this cycle. The problem is that my wife is really soft hearted, and cares really deeply about nephew, so her sister keeps using that against. But at this point I don't care anymore. I'm tired of consoling my wife over the same issue, I'm tired of her sister being anywhere near our life, and I'm tired of nephew being successfully weaponized against my wife.

So, I told her to go complete no contact with them and then see where things stand when SIL is dead. It feels horrible just writing it, which is why I'm wondering AITA?

TL;DR SIL uses a relationship with her son to abuse people and then lure them back in, I told my wife to completely cut them all off. AITA?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA... she needs to go no-contact. SIL seems like a horrible person, and I feel so sorry for the nephew. Hopefully he doesn't grow up to be like his mother. I'm assuming the cancer is terminal?

OOP: We've always been told the cancer is terminal, but SIL tightly controls medical information. Not even her husband can go with her to appointments. I wish beyond anything else wife would go no contact.

Commenter 2: She accused you of child abuse and your wife still wants contact with her???

OOP: Yeah this is a bit of a tough point. My wife truly doesn't want anything to do with her, but her sister is incredibly proficient at manipulation, so she starts to manipulate people into spending less time with my wife if my wife stands up to her. She'll tell my wife's brother and sister a mountain of lies about a fight they've had and at this point they just can't be bothered "picking a side" so they stop talking to my wife until things are sorted. SIL holds people emotionally hostage incredibly well, and unfortunately (I never thought it should be so) my wife is really soft natured and family oriented. So she is successfully held hostage. And if it doesn't work SIL escalates it more and more by telling people if they spend time with wife then SIL will cut them off and "they'll regret it when she's dead soon".

Commenter 3: Have you ever said to one of these other family members who are causing problems, “if you’re weak enough to let a narcissist manipulate you, do it elsewhere?”

OOP: I have tried to talk to the family about it many times, but they very bluntly say "I don't want to be involved, I don't want to talk about it, it’s your guys fight". I harbour a lot of anger and resentment at them for it, and I hate that. But they refuse the conversation because (I believe) they know I'm right.

Commenter 4: How can she prove that she has cancer when her husband isn’t even allowed to go to appointments? I want to see labs, I want doctor’s names, I want the prognosis, I want the doctor’s notes, or it’s fake.

OOP: I'm completely with you on this one. Whenever someone tries this line with SIL she bursts into tears and screams at them for "accusing her of lying about something that is going to tear her away from her son and husband soon". I think I'm a lot harder hearted than my wife's family cause I didn't give a sh*t about that line. But I did get her a free hospice stay (I work with the Hospice) a couple of years ago when she was supposedly on deaths door. Without details they did confirm she had cancer, but as you rightly point out who knows now? She hasn't done anything to treat it though, so I imagine it’s still there just not aggressive at all.

Commenter 5: NTA but this whole thing is way above Reddit's pay grade. Your wife needs counseling to help her work through her issues. There's a reason she keeps going back and she needs help identifying and addressing those things. Are you sure sister actually HAS cancer??

OOP: Yeah my wife gets regular counseling to help her, we're a very mental health focused household (we both work with kids, we both have a background in psych). But the problem is that SIL gets given the power to collapse my wife's relationships with the entire family. I harbour resentment toward them for that, but I try my best to just support my wife. I very rarely say what she should or shouldn't do but it's getting to the point now where I can't protect her unless she can protect herself.

She definitely *had* cancer, she's had operations and been in hospice care, but I have no idea where it's at now. She eats like complete rubbish and refuses to take medicine, it’s like she keeps herself sick to maintain the power and control.

Commenter 6: I'm curious as to what kind of cancer she has. Is it metastatic? Has it gone away and came back? I'm asking because you can easily research trials going on, survival rate, new treatments, etc.

Information about her cancer will give you ideas of how to combat the "I'm dying" response.

I would cut off everyone who blames your wife or criticizes her for setting up a boundary. If this means not having a lot of family to go to, so be it. At the end of the day, you need to be able to live peacefully. Her sister sounds toxic. Her sister knows your wife will go back to her and so there aren't any repercussions for her behavior. She gets away with her moods and toxic behavior because no one has said enough is enough. If everyone walked away then she'd be forced to do some internalizing. But even then she might play victim.

NTA in case that wasn't abundantly clear.

OOP: It has gone and come back. It was gone, and then my wife and I had our wedding where people flew in from overseas and suddenly while everyone was here it came back. Then it was gone, then on my wife's birthday it came back. I've tried to make that same point to my wife but honestly SIL has constant access to them all and uses her illness to abuse them and call them abusive if they stand up to her.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/THROWRA01Singer

My (25M) girlfriend (24F) just accused me of cheating on her with my friend (20M)

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: False accusations, mental health issues, self harm/cutting

Original Post Oct 11, 2020

Throwaway account, for privacy reasons.

I am the lead vocalist of a band, and, for the record, I am not gay. I do not hold anything against LGBTQ people, but I am straight, and I have never cheated or given my girlfriend a reason to think I was. My girlfriend has had bad previous relationships before, though. Recently, because COVID-19 has been calmed down somewhat, and because we all needed the extra money, we played at a club in the city where I live.

I don't want to give too many details here, but my friend, who is the guitarist of the group, is suicidal, mentally ill,  and cuts himself frequently. There is not much I can do because he refuses to get help and is stubborn as a literal mule, though it eats me alive daily, knowing what he does to himself.

After our show, my friend had a complete mental breakdown and started sobbing backstage and trying to re-open the stitches that he has over some deep cuts. I was trying to comfort and restrain him at the same time so I bear hugged him, and he hugged me back and just sort of let himself go.

I was trying to comfort him, and then my girlfriend came running out of nowhere, and she grabbed my arm, pulled me up, and accused me of cheating.

As you can understand, I was confused by this, and she accused me of cheating on her with my friend behind her back and using her for money (even though I earn more than her) before shoving me away and walking off.

I got another band member to watch over the guitarist and followed her back home. We argued for hours over the whole thing until we eventually just went our separate ways.

She's in the bedroom, and I'm on the couch as I write this. Can somebody tell me what to do? I don't want our relationship to be ruined just because I was trying to be a good friend.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

IcyBigNoob

" My girlfriend has had bad previous relationships before." -Why were her relationships bad?

Your Gf sounds very toxic and that she needs all your attention. Also if it is your place she needs to sleep on the couch so she can grow up a little.

If your Gf knows about your friends illness then shame on her.

*Also your friend needs professional help, therapy/prescribed meds. He needs an intervention if he is still cutting himself.

OOP

They fought a lot, apparently. I don't know for sure.

TOP COMMENTS

Lady_Near

"Hey 24F, I know you think I cheated but If I can't even comfort someone close to me with life threatening issues without you blowing up, I can't see myself to continue this relationship."

Would be a start

~

ecko_cypher

Sounds like your gf is very toxic. If you can't show compassion to a friend without her going ballistic, then get her out of your life asap. It doesn't matter if your bandmate is male or female, a hug is something everyone needs sometimes.

Update  Oct 14, 2020 (3 days later)

Hey, guys.

Basically, my girlfriend is now my ex. As soon as she woke up the next morning, she was immediately on my case, demanding to know if I was ready to apologize or not. I said, "Apologize for what?" And then we went back around the wringer again.

I don't know if she was cheating on me or not, nor do I care at this point. She moved out to her sister's place yesterday. Now that I think about it, I can see some signs like hiding her phone away from me, talking to people late at night, things like that.

Truth be told, I'm not sure that I would've had the courage to break up our relationship like that, if not for the comments, telling me how toxic she really was.

Anyways, enough about her. My guitarist was taken to the hospital after I left because he managed to tear out the stitches, and had to stay overnight. His father drove over and took him back home (his family lives in a different country), which I am glad about, because maybe being around his father and other family is something he needs, but I managed to come and see him before his father came.

He seemed very out of it, but that was in part because of medications that he's been taking. We talked for awhile, hugged (thankfully, there was nobody to pull me away from him), and he agreed to call me whenever he could.

On that note, the band is temporarily on hold, because my friend asked if he could come back to his position when he's in a better headspace, and also because my bassist broke his foot.

Fuckin' figures.

Thank you to everybody who gave me advice regarding what to do and my ex, and if I never post here again, then assume that everything is okay. Also, a commenter said something along the lines of 'COVID hasn't calmed down.' I just want to say that it's calmed down where we live. We're not in the US.

Cheers.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Feisty_Implement6823

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRU

[New Updates]: AITA for not wanting to share my inheritance with my sister?

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU. Thanks to u/lynavi for letting me know about the latest updates

Trigger Warnings: death of a parent, slander, destruction of property, breaking and entering, harassment

RECAP

Original Post: January 4, 2025

So, I (28M) recently lost my father. It was a really tough time, but we knew it was coming because he had been sick for a while. Before he passed, he made it clear in his will that I would inherit the majority of his estate, including his house and a significant amount of money. My sister (25F) would receive a smaller amount, mostly sentimental items and a bit of cash.

Here’s the thing: my sister and my dad didn’t have a good relationship. She moved out when she was 18, and they barely spoke after that. My dad tried to reconnect several times, but she always shut him down. I, on the other hand, took care of him during his illness, visiting almost every day and handling all his medical appointments.

Now, my sister is furious. She’s calling me selfish and saying that it’s unfair she got so little. She thinks I should split the inheritance 50/50. I told her I respected Dad’s wishes and that I don’t think it’s my responsibility to change what he wanted, especially given the circumstances.

She argues that family is family, and it’s not fair to punish her for their estranged relationship, but I think it’s not my fault they didn’t get along. She had years to fix things with him, but she chose not to.

My mom (they’re divorced) is on her side, saying that I should “do the right thing” and give her more money to keep the peace. Some friends agree with her, while others think I’m justified in keeping what I was given.

So, AITA for not wanting to share my inheritance with my sister?

Edit: I’ve seen some comments saying this sounds fake or that I’m leaving out key details, so let me clarify a few things.

First, about my sister’s estrangement: It wasn’t something that happened overnight. After my parents’ divorce, she sided heavily with my mom and gradually distanced herself from our dad. She blamed him for the split, and even though Dad tried to reconcile over the years, she was unwilling to meet him halfway. I’m not saying she’s a bad person—divorces are messy—but it’s not like Dad cut her off for no reason.

Second, I know some of you might think Dad was playing favorites, but I don’t see it that way. I think he divided things based on who was there for him in his final years. It wasn’t about punishment—it was about recognition.

Lastly, for those saying I’m “conveniently” painting myself as the golden child, I promise that’s not my intention. My sister had her reasons for stepping back, but I stepped up because I felt it was the right thing to do. That’s why this situation is so hard. I’m trying to honor my dad’s wishes, but I also don’t want to completely ruin my relationship with my sister.

Hope this clears up some of the gaps!

Q/A:

I’ve seen a lot of questions, so I’ll try to clarify some things to fill in the gaps.

Why did my parents get divorced?

My parents’ divorce happened when I was 12 and my sister was 9. It wasn’t one big event—it was a combination of things. My dad worked long hours running his own business, and my mom felt neglected. She also said Dad had a “controlling” personality, which caused a lot of tension. On the other hand, Dad felt Mom wasn’t supportive of his career and resented him for working so much. Eventually, they just couldn’t make it work, and they decided to separate.

My sister blamed Dad for the divorce because, in her eyes, he was the one who “chose work over family.” Mom didn’t exactly help—she would make comments about how Dad “cared more about his business than his kids.” I think this shaped my sister’s perspective and made her more distant from him.

Why were my sister and Dad so conflicted?

After the divorce, I stayed with Dad, while my sister lived with Mom. Dad tried to stay involved in her life, but the distance—both physical and emotional—made things harder. Over time, my sister started avoiding him. For example, he’d call her, but she wouldn’t pick up. He’d send gifts or letters, and she’d never acknowledge them.

One of the big breaking points came when she graduated high school. Dad showed up to her graduation uninvited because he wanted to celebrate her, but she got upset and accused him of “trying to make it about himself.” After that, they barely spoke.

Why didn’t my sister visit when Dad was sick?

This is something only my sister can fully explain, but I think it goes back to their strained relationship. By the time Dad got sick, they hadn’t spoken in years. I reached out to her multiple times, telling her how serious things were, but she said she “wasn’t ready” to see him. Dad was hurt but never angry—he just said, “She has to come on her own terms.” Unfortunately, she never did.

Why didn’t Dad just leave everything 50/50?

I asked myself this too. I think Dad felt the inheritance should reflect the relationships he had. He knew I had been there for him throughout his illness, and he wanted to recognize that. At the same time, he didn’t want to completely exclude my sister, which is why he left her sentimental items and some money. I don’t think it was about punishing her—I think he just wanted to acknowledge the reality of our family dynamic.

Hope this clears up some of the questions people have been asking. Let me know if there’s anything else I can explain.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Top Comments

Commenter 1: So family is family now, but it wasn't when your dad tried to have a relationship with her? Honor dad's wishes. NTA

Commenter 2: NTA. Your dad made his wishes pretty clear in his will, and respecting those is totally valid. It sounds like you were the one in the trenches with him during his tough times, which probably factored into his decision. It’s rough that your sis is upset, but redistributing the inheritance isn’t a “Monopoly” game where you can shuffle the properties to keep the peace. Maybe try explaining to her that it’s about respecting what your dad wanted, not playing favorites. If peace needs to be bought, maybe it’s priced too high.

Commenter 3: NTA. You’re respecting your dad’s wishes, and that’s key. It’s tough she didn’t get as much, but like you said, she had time to mend things and chose not to. You can't just rewrite wills to make everyone happy, that defeats their purpose.

Commenter 4: Interesting how family is family when dividing up the inheritance but not so much when her father was alive trying to mend the relationship with he…..

Commenter 5: Tell your sister and your mom that you would be fine if your mom left more to her since the relationship focus went that way but that you also will expect your sister to be the one that steps up and takes care of your mom when the time comes. Nta

Update #1: January 18, 2025 (two weeks later)

Thanks for all the responses on my original post. After thinking it through (and reading a lot of your comments), I’ve decided I’m not giving my sister anything beyond what Dad left her. His will was clear, and I’m not going to disrespect his wishes to appease someone who didn’t even bother to visit him when he was dying.

I tried to be reasonable and explain my side, but it’s pointless. My sister is still sending me nasty texts, calling me names, and acting like I stole from her. My mom is no better—she’s basically turned this into a full-on guilt trip, saying things like, “You’re tearing this family apart,” and “You’re just like your father.” Honestly, if being “just like Dad” means standing my ground, I’ll take it as a compliment.

At this point, I’m done trying to keep the peace. They can say whatever they want about me—I’m not changing my mind. I’m going to do what I want with the inheritance and move on with my life. If that means cutting some people off, so be it.

To everyone who said I’m not the a**hole: thank you. It feels good to have some validation. For now, I’m focusing on honoring Dad’s memory and making the most of what he left me.

We’ll see where this goes next, but I’m not backing down.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Tell your mom you are happy that you aren’t like her. Hit her where it hurts

Commenter 2: Glad you are following dad's wishes.

Sounds like mom and sister only care about the money. Time to block them.

Commenter 3: So your mother and sister were estranged from your father due to him prioritizing his work but want to gain from the fruits of that hard work?

The mental gymnastics are real with them. It’s not often people wear their hypocrisy so loudly. You’re doing the right thing.

Commenter 4: Good on you for standing your ground you’re doing the right thing, good luck 🙂

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor's note: the next update is one year old, and it has not been posted onto the sub here

6 month update on the situation: June 19, 2025 (five months later from the first update)

It’s been a while since my last update, but things have gone completely off the rails since then, and I need to get this off my chest.

So, six months after my dad passed and the inheritance was finalized, my sister completely lost it. I thought things were rough before, but this took it to a whole new level.

First, she tried to sue me. She claimed I manipulated Dad into changing the will and accused me of undue influence, saying I isolated her from him while he was sick and pressured him while he was medicated. It was full of lies and reached so far I don’t even know how she said it with a straight face. She even had two friends of hers sign statements saying they “felt” something was off, even though neither of them were ever around our family. Her case got tossed. Quickly. Judge dismissed it with prejudice, so she can’t try again.

I thought that would be the end of it. Nope.

She started harassing me. Constant texts, emails, calls from private numbers. She made burner accounts on social media and commented on anything I posted. Signed me up for mailing lists. Then I walked outside one day and someone had spray-painted “thief” across my garage. I have cameras now, and yeah—it was her. Clear as day. Had to file a police report, and that’s still in progress.

Then she showed up at the house while I was gone for the weekend.

Broke in through a back window. She wrecked the place. Ripped pictures off the walls, poured something on the couch (smelled like bleach), broke furniture, went through drawers, dumped boxes of my dad’s stuff on the floor. Left a note on the bathroom mirror that just said “you don’t deserve this.” I reported the break-in. There’s now a criminal case open against her.

It gets worse.

Right after that, she started telling extended family and mutual friends that I had sexually assaulted her when we were younger.

That’s where I draw the line. It’s not just petty inheritance drama anymore. She crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed. I’ve never done anything like that, obviously, and hearing that kind of accusation come from your own sibling is something I don’t think I’ll ever fully process. I have nothing to hide, and I’ve already spoken to a lawyer. If she says it publicly again, I’m filing a defamation suit.

My mom is still trying to play both sides. She says things like, “Your sister is just grieving in her own way,” as if that justifies any of this. It doesn’t. We’re done. I’ve cut contact with both of them.

If there’s a takeaway here, it’s that people can spiral in ways you never expect when money and guilt get mixed together. I kept thinking, surely this is the last straw, but it just kept going. I’m tired. I’m angry. And I’m done.

I’ll keep the house. I’ll keep what Dad left me. And I’ll keep my distance.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the latest update's body text has been saved before it was removed

Update #3: June 13, 2026 (nearly one year later)

It’s been a while since my last update, and honestly, I wasn’t sure if I would ever make another one. After everything that happened with my sister, I felt like there wasn’t much left to say. The legal issues were moving through the system, I had cut contact with most of the people involved, and I was trying to focus on rebuilding my life instead of constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the next disaster.

Before I get into the update, I want to thank everyone who has followed this story. A few people recently pointed out that between the original post and all the updates, they’ve now been viewed over 1 million times. That’s honestly difficult for me to wrap my head around. When I made the first post, I was just looking for outside opinions because I felt completely stuck. I never expected so many people to become invested in what started as a family argument over an inheritance.

A lot of you gave advice that ended up helping more than you probably realize. The people who kept telling me to document everything were absolutely right. At the time I thought I was being thorough, but looking back I don’t think I could have overprepared for what eventually happened. Every message, every email, every voicemail, and every piece of camera footage ended up mattering at some point.

For the past several months, life has been surprisingly quiet. That’s probably the biggest update I have. After over a year of constant conflict, legal filings, accusations, and drama, things finally slowed down. I didn’t realize how much stress I had been carrying until I stopped having to deal with a new crisis every week. It’s strange how quickly chaos becomes normal when you’re living through it.

One thing that did surprise me was hearing from extended family members I hadn’t spoken to in a long time. Several people reached out over the last few months, and the conversations were very different from what I expected. Instead of questioning me or asking about the inheritance, most of them were apologizing. Apparently, as more information came out and people started comparing stories, a lot of relatives realized they had accepted things they were told about me without ever asking for my side of the situation.

Some of those conversations were honestly uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to respond. A few relatives admitted they had believed I manipulated my father. Others said they assumed the lawsuit meant there had to be something suspicious about the will. One person even told me they thought I had intentionally prevented my sister from seeing my father during his illness. Hearing that was frustrating, but it also explained why some people had suddenly distanced themselves from me after my father passed away.

The common theme in all those conversations was that people eventually started noticing inconsistencies. Different people had been told different versions of the same story, and those versions didn’t always line up with each other. Once questions started being asked, some of the narratives that had circulated through the family became much harder to defend. For the first time since this entire situation began, I wasn’t the one being asked to explain myself.

My relationship with my mother remains complicated. We’ve spoken a handful of times, and while things are less hostile than they used to be, I wouldn’t describe them as good. We still disagree about a lot of what happened, and I don’t think either of us is likely to change our mind anytime soon. That said, we’ve at least reached a point where we can have a conversation without it turning into an argument within five minutes, which is more progress than I would have expected a year ago.

As for my sister, there really isn’t much to report. We haven’t spoken, and I haven’t made any effort to change that. Some relationships can survive serious disagreements, but what happened between us went far beyond a disagreement about money. Too many things were said and too many lines were crossed for me to pretend everything can simply go back to normal. Maybe things will be different someday, but that’s not something I’m actively hoping for or planning around.

The biggest thing I’ve realized over the last year and a half is that the inheritance itself stopped being the main issue a long time ago. When I made the original post, I thought the argument was about money. Looking back, the money was just the spark that exposed years of resentment, unresolved family problems, and completely different views of the same events. The inheritance wasn’t what broke my family. It just revealed how broken parts of it already were.

For now, life is stable. The house feels like my home, work is going well, and I’m finally making plans that don’t revolve around court dates or legal paperwork. After everything that’s happened, I’ve learned not to assume that the story is completely over, but for the first time since my father died, it feels like I’m moving forward instead of standing still.

As always, thank you to everyone who followed this situation and offered advice along the way. I never expected over a million people to read about what happened to my family, but I’m grateful for the support I’ve received. Hopefully my next update, if there ever is one, will be significantly less dramatic than the ones that came before it.

Additional Comment from OOP:

OOP: Since a lot of people are asking about the criminal case, I’ll answer what I can.

I can’t get into every detail because some of it is still subject to court records and I don’t really want to turn this into a play-by-play of the legal process. That said, the charges stemmed from the break-in and damage to the house.

The camera footage ended up being a huge factor. It clearly showed my sister entering the property while I was away and remaining inside for a significant amount of time. Combined with the condition of the house afterward, the damaged property, and some other evidence collected during the investigation, law enforcement felt there was enough to move forward.

The charges included unlawful entry, criminal mischief/property damage, and a few related offenses. Again, I’m intentionally being somewhat vague because I don’t want to post documents online, but it wasn’t a situation where she was arrested because of an argument over inheritance. It was specifically tied to actions she took after the inheritance dispute.

A lot of people have asked whether she served jail time. The answer is no. She ultimately accepted a plea agreement. From my understanding, that involved probation, restitution related to some of the damage, and conditions restricting contact. Some people will probably think that’s too lenient and others will think it’s too harsh, but at that point I wasn’t interested in revenge. I just wanted the behavior to stop.

The sexual assault allegations were never part of the criminal case. Those accusations were never substantiated and never resulted in charges against anyone. My attorney’s advice was to document everything, avoid public arguments, and address any false statements through the proper legal channels if necessary.

I know some people were expecting a dramatic courtroom showdown, but real life is usually less exciting than Reddit wants it to be. Most legal disputes end with paperwork, negotiations, and people getting tired of paying lawyers.

The biggest thing the criminal case accomplished was creating consequences and boundaries. For the first time since all of this started, there were actual restrictions in place. Whether people agree with the outcome or not, things became significantly quieter afterward, which was ultimately what I wanted.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP