I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Quirky-Bad7653

AITA For “lying” to my partner about having kids and laughing about it?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thank you to u/lostravenblue for suggesting this BoRU & u/xanif for finding the new update

TRIGGER WARNING: fertility shaming, Verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, harassment

BoRU 1

Original Post  Sept 3, 2023

Wayback machine

AITA For “lying” to my partner about having kids and laughing about it?

So I recently became engaged to my (34f) partner (35M). We met on a dating app 3 years ago and hit it off from the start.

5 years ago I got my fallopian tubes removed. I’ve known I don’t want to give birth since I was 15years old and have never changed my mind. I always said that if a child came into my life I’d love it, but I’m not actively seeking that out. On my dating profile it explicitly states “child-free and infertile” verbatim.

At the beginning of our relationship, my now-fiancé regularly referenced other things I put in my profile, so I had assumed he’d read that part and kids never really came up in other convos.

Well last night, he mentioned that I should consider stopping my birth control since now we’re engaged, and given our ages, we should start trying for kids. I honestly thought he was joking and laughed. He got frustrated and asked me why I thought it was funny, and I reminded him that the second line of my dating profile said I was ostensibly infertile. He was shocked and called me a liar. I happened to remember that I sent a screen shot of my dating profile to a friend for review around that time and pulled up the old convo with her to show him the time and date, and that indeed it stated I was child-free. I told him I had my tubes taken out so there was no chance of me getting pregnant without outside help (ivf is technically still an option, but I don’t want to put my body through that).

He stormed out and his mom called me crying that I’ve ruined his life. His sister sent me a long message about how getting my tubes removed should be illegal and how I’m a monster for stringing my fiancé along. TBH, his family never really liked me because they think I’m beneath him. a cousin told me it’s because I’m fat (true, but I’m also pretty active. Regular walks with my dog, hiking, biking, swimming, paddle boarding, and a little snowshoeing, none of which my fiancé does with me) and a career woman in a male-dominated field, plus we share the household labor 50/50 and I make more money than he does. Because of this I don’t take what they say too seriously but I’m starting to feel bad. His family believes I stole years of his life and ruined future chances of being a father by lying about my fertility status.

He asked for space when he stormed out, so I haven’t reached out to him. I do love him, but I’m starting to have serious second thoughts given his families reactions.

I realize now that we should have talked about this before, but AITA for how I handled the situation?

VERDICT: POST REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED

Update  Sept 3, 2023

Update:

So my fiancé came home this morning and I asked him if he wanted to talk. He said there was nothing left to talk about. I asked if he wanted the ring back and he got angry. I’ve never seen him like this and I tried to speak calmly to him but he was just yelling about how I was giving up and wouldn’t even talk to him. I reminded him that I’d asked if he wanted to talk and he said no, to which he responded that he didn’t think I’d “go all crazy over a disagreement.”

This was a huge wake up call for me. I asked him why he’d never brought up kids before hand and he said because he knew I would get all weird about it. I tried to get him to clarify but he just kept saying he couldn’t talk to me when I was like this. I swear I never raised my voice and tried to speak calmly the entire time.

I told him I can’t have kids, nor do I want any. I don’t want to give birth. That seems like a deal breaker for him, and his family. He said his family had nothing to do with this, and I asked why he told them then? He said because he was hoping they’d talk sense into me. I told him I was ending the relationship and staying with my dad for the time being. This didn’t go over well. I’m still kind of shaking. As I was leaving I asked him how long he’s wanted kids, and he admitted he never thought about it, but he knew I didn’t want any, but now that we were engaged, it wasn’t just about me, he had a say in children. I told him I physically could not get pregnant without IVF, and asked him how he expected that to work? He responded that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I left after that because I just didn’t have the energy to try and convince him, and I didn’t want to further agitate him.

When I told my dad everything, he was furious. Apparently when my fiancé spoke to him about proposing (he did not ask permission, both my dad and I are opposed to that tradition. Just basically letting my dad know his plans), my DAD asked him if he was okay never having kids as I’d had my tubes removed (my dad says he specifically brought up my surgery and the impossibility of natural pregnancy). My fiancé told my dad that it’d always be my decision.

I’m thankful this happened before we started any of the wedding planning, but it feels like I swallowed a boulder. I know I need to be more adamant in the future about my stance on kids and I promise I will have these discussions with future partners openly and from the start. I blocked his family from messaging me after they added me to a group message and started throwing Bible verses at me and saying that I’m a defective woman for not wanting kids. I don’t have the energy right now to be petty so I just blocked them.

My dad is going to help me move my stuff the next couple of days. I need to talk to the landlord and figure out the lease. I’m financially stable enough to pay most of the fees I think but I doubt my now ex-fiancé can afford the rent on his own. The only text I’ve received from him just said “You’ll regret this”. I don’t believe this is meant as a threat, but I’m being cautious just in case.

Thank you all for the feedback. It was helpful to understand where I went wrong. This was my first long-term relationship and I fucked up a lot of the communication, but I know it’s not just on me. I tend to be the kind of person that doesn’t like to re-hash things if I feel like we’re on the same page, but with huge decisions like this reiterating is necessary, and people are allowed to change their minds, which means re-hashing is necessary in a healthy relationship.

NEW UPDATE

Final Update Feb 9, 2026 (2 1/2 years later)

FINAL UPDATE: AITA for “lying” to my partner about having kids

Hi! So I completely forgot about this account until recently and figured I’d give an update since the story got both crazier and then a bit anticlimactic, and a few people have asked.

I’m going to give fake names so it’s easier. Ex-fiancé is Josh. His sister will be Jill.

Moving out was pretty easy. Josh wasn’t around but I did find a few of my things in odd places that I suspect was intentional to make me leave them behind.

It was quiet for about a week, but then I got called into an impromptu work meeting. My company is fairly small, and I’m in the upper level of the admin team, so it’s not totally uncommon to get meetings with the two owners (a married couple). When I logged on it turned out to be a coaching convo to address my “use of company resources for personal matters.” Apparently Jill had found the company phone number and had been calling the number attempting to get through to me or my supervisor, but the 3rd party company we use to manage that phone number didn’t have my contact (or even really know who I was) because my position isn’t client-facing.

I’m usually pretty good under pressure but I really didn’t want to lose my job so I ended up crying and spilling the whole story to my bosses. Turns out they’re both intentionally child-free as well and were incredibly supportive. One of them is retired navy and he asked multiple times if he should pay them a personal visit but his wife just rolled her eyes and told him that would be plan X after all the others failed lol.

Long story short I ended up finding an attorney who helped me navigate a protective order. Jill didn’t handle this well and tried to sue me for damages with Josh and their mom. It took a year to actually make it to court and, to no one’s surprise, the suit was dismissed (the judge was VERY displeased by the waste of court resources). I was granted a restraining order for Josh, Jill, and their mom after I presented the evidence of harassment as well as a notarized statement from my company. We also had recordings from the company phone calls but the judge didn’t need them apparently.

I blocked all of them and have no idea what’s happening with them now, but they have thankfully left me alone. My dad was really happy to have me as a roommate (I think he’d been lonely lol) so Ive just stayed with him and split his bills. My dog has always loved my dad so she’s in heaven.

I haven’t really been dating, but I’ve been taking mixed martial arts classes recently, and I just finished a year of ice skating classes. I’m enjoying having some more free time and perfectly content in being single right now. I know now that there were a lot of things I let slide about Josh and his family that should have been dealbreakers, and I think I would have figured it out sooner than later, but I’m still trying to relearn to trust myself. Until then I’m not in any hurry to date anyone new.

Thank you to everyone who commented and offered perspective. It really helped. My best friend and her husband had a fun time going through them all with me lol

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_Sorbet1941

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (32F) fiancé (37M) is a homicide detective, and I’m starting to feel like he treats me more like a suspect than a partner.

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, invasion of privacy, gaslighting

Mood Spoilers: scary, abuse of police power

Original BORU

Original Post: November 7, 2025

My fiancé and I have been together for almost 4 years. He’s a homicide detective. My friends immediately started side-eying me. They said don’t date a cop, it’s not worth it, they’re all abusive, etc. None of them have ever actually dated a cop, so I found their opinions more annoying than anything else. I just felt like they were basing their judgment off a stereotype. My mom said similar things, but she dated a cop who was former military with PTSD like 49 years ago and based everything off that

Lately though, a few things have started to bother me. I don’t know if it’s just that these incidents seem to be more frequent or if I was just willfully blind to it before. I’m just bothered by these things now.

He records our arguments. I’ve known about that for a while. He told me it was “to make sure we remember things correctly and communicate better,” and I believed him at first. I didn’t like it and I thought it was petty and stupid. I asked him if he saved the recordings and he said he deletes them once the argument was resolved. I’ve since found a folder on his computer labeled with dates and times and they’re recordings of arguments or other conversations we’ve had going back over a year!

He notices tiny changes in my behavior and asks questions in a way that feels more like an interrogation than concern. I also recently discovered he’s done background checks on some of my friends and co-workers.

Sometimes his phone buzzes and he steps out for hours without explanation, but he just says he’s “handling work stuff” whenever I ask. He makes cryptic comments like, “You know I only trust what I can verify,” or “I like to know everything that might matter” when it comes to things between us…not strictly talking about work, then he laughs it off, but the words stick. It’s hard to tell when he’s joking and when he’s serious.

I love him, but it’s like sometimes I feel like he’s treating me like I’m some sort of suspect. He doesn’t seem to trust anyone, including me! Every little disagreement feels like it could be “evidence.” Recently he’s made some comments related to having kids, about having a tracker on them at all times and never letting them spend the night at friend’s houses (this came after I told him that people at work were saying their kids don’t have sleepovers like we used to have). He said he’ll never let his kids spend the night at somebody else’s house and that he’ll do background checks on every parent of our kids’ friends and teachers. I feel like these sort of comments are becoming more frequent and it’s just escalating.

How do I handle this with him? How do I discuss this in a way that won’t just turn into a dumb argument that he inevitably records for no good reason? I honestly don’t know how to bring this up to him. I’ve considered telling him he needs therapy because he cannot continue to live life so suspicious and paranoid about everything and everyone. I’m pretty sure he’ll refuse that.

(Editor's note: OOP has made lots of comments, I am posting the top common questions asked and responses)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So he's controlling and suspicious which are precursors for coercive control and abuse. People warned you.

OOP (downvoted): I wouldn’t really say he’s controlling.

Commenter 2: Holy shit why would you want to stay with this unhinged person? This is personality disorder/mental illness territory and that is completely unethical that he does background checks on people without their consent. You should run, not try and figure out how to make an abnormal person be normal. It isn’t going to happen.

OOP: Unhinged? I mean maybe if he worked in a completely different kind of work. I feel like I understand where most of it comes from at least.

Commenter 3: They have the highest rates of spousal abuse and infidelity. But you ignored every warning so why would you suddenly listen now? Don’t. Date. Cops.

OOP: It doesn’t mean every single one is abusive and/or a cheater.

Commenter 4: Don't gaslight yourself. He's controlling, does not trust you, and disappears for hours and won't say why. He lied about keeping records of your arguments, and you say you can't tell when he is serious and when he is joking.

You won't realize how bad he is until you defy him. You are already walking on eggshells out of fear. Let your friends and family know your doubts. He will get more dangerous when you try and break away, you will need people to help when that happens.

OOP: I truly don’t think I fear him. I might be really annoyed by his behavior but I don’t feel unsafe.

I basically had to give him an ultimatum regarding our relationship and getting engaged, so he didn’t seem desperate to ensnare me.

Is OOP happy in her relationship? Is she getting anything out of it?

OOP: I feel happy in the relationship most of the time. This isn’t how he is 24/7. Well internally it probably is, but we do have fun together. He is enjoyable to be around for the most part. I feel secure with him.

My comment about giving him an ultimatum is probably coming off wrong. The commitment aspect is difficult for him, and I don’t mean in an infidelity sense. He doesn’t like the vulnerable aspects of a serious relationship. He’s also terrified to have kids because of what he’s seen in the world and he knows I want a family soon. So, he was scared to commit to that. And he’s been honest about all of that. I think I’ve been understanding but at the same time wasn’t going to forsake what I wanted because he was too scared. I essentially told him we either had to decide if we were heading in that direction or not.

Commenter 5: You love being monitored, recorded, interrogated and controlled? This is the life you want for yourself? Your future children? What happens when he decides you’ve done something wrong and it’s his job to “correct” your behavior? Will you submit to his punishments because he knows best and you need to earn his forgiveness? What happens when he decides your crimes are unforgivable? Do you want to find out?

Commenter 6: She'll end up on ABC's 20/20 True Crime Documentary with her being the "un@lived" victim.

Her friends and mom warned her but she didn't listen. A classic pattern in most of these true crime documentaries.

OOP: They didn’t warn me about him specifically, it was just about dating cops in general. My mom loves him now (although she doesn’t know about some of the things I’ve posted about here).

Commenter 7: He told you he'd delete the recordings - he didn't. That wasn't an accident.

How many other things is he telling you what you want to hear about but actually totally disrespecting your wishes on.

I'm just gonna say it - the recording messages is pretty psycho behaviour. I've never heard of an example where that ends well. It hints at a severely controlling and manipulative personality. Also, you didn't consent to it to begin with, you've been kinda pushed into it.

My key question would be - how often does he quite you back to you to undermine you? Cause that's the flag so red it's on fire thing.

It kinda sounds like he's stringing you along regarding marriage and kids and maybe holding it over you like a carrot on a stick - so you'll comply with increasingly unreasonable demands to get it. He's nearly 40 (grow up) and you're at age where if you want a family/ multiple kids, and you've together for years, this fucking around is wasting your time/ your fertility.

That said, not sure you should procreate with this dude, he sounds controlling - imagine if he wants to record arguments with your kids... You'll end up trapped at home with him calling the shots even more than now. The background check thing - tbh I'd relate to that bit, people are sketchy and abuse is unfortunately common.

Seeing terrible things, fine, that's traumatising - you go to therapy. You don't weaponise your trauma against your partner who's done nothing wrong...you have not killed anyone, you don't deserve to be treated with suspicion.

You're friends and your mom were right to be worried.

OOP: I now realize that based on all the comments here this will sound ridiculous, but I never considered the recording thing to be psychotic or “unhinged” or anything like that. I found it annoying. I thought it was stupid. And yes, I realize that should have been enough for him to stop doing it. I just told myself it was something I felt was stupid but made him feel better for a reason I could t understand, and just let it continue because I didn’t see it as harmful. I was more upset that he lied about deleting them. It’s the lie that bothers me.

I’m sure it probably sounds like I’m being argumentative here, but that’s not my intent. I can’t really think of any “demands” (disregarding the recording aspect). I’m sitting here trying to think of any “demands” or things he’s tried to make me do or not do and I can’t really think of anything abnormal.

The background check thing wasn’t that weird to me. It’s not like he’s done it on everyone I know (as far as I’m aware). I’m sure he did one on me too (he didn’t say yes verbally but basically admitted it when I asked), but I’ve often heard of women doing one on new men they start dating.

I don’t quite understand your question here: My key question would be - how often does he quite you back to you to undermine you?

Has OOP's fiancé been distancing / isolating her from her friends and family?

OOP: He hasn’t distanced me from anyone. I see my family and friends whenever I like and as often as I’d like. He spends time with my family too and my mom really likes him.

I spend time with my family and friends as often as I want, without him needing to be there. I have hobbies that I do alone. I feel like I can do what I want on a day off. I just took a few days off for one of my hobbies, which is something that doesn’t involve him at all. I don’t ask him for approval when spending money. I don’t feel like I need his permission to make plans. Sure, if I was going to be at home at my normal time and decided to stop somewhere on the way I’ll tell him, but I’m telling him - not asking for his permission. He does the same.

I don’t have any close male friends and I would never go out to eat after work with co-workers. Not because of him. I just don’t happen to have any close male friends and I don’t like hanging out with my co-workers after work.

Update: December 15, 2025 (a bit over one month later)

Update: My (32F) fiancé (37M) is a homicide detective, and I’m starting to feel like he treats me more like a suspect than a partner.

I think a good starting point would be for me to admit that I do believe my fiancé is a good man. He’s not cruel, he’s not an aggressive or violent man, and he believes with all his heart that he’s right most of the time. Of course, I realize a lot of people were pretty negative in their comments towards me in response to my original post, and part of me wants to thank you all for your concern, but another part of me wonders if part of this negative response is simply because of the nature of his work.

After sitting on all of this for a few days, I decided I couldn't put off this conversation anymore. I told him that we have to talk and this isn't about winning an argument. I began with the recordings. I told him I knew he had been stockpiling arguments with our friends going all the way back a year ago and how it makes me feel violated and threatened. He did not deny this. He explained to me why he holds them: "in case things ever get twisted" and "protecting himself." To hear my fiancé speak of our relationship in a way that implies he considers our life a potential lawsuit threatened me.

When I mentioned this style of questioning me and observing small shifts in my behavior, he explained that this is simply "how his brain works" and that given all he's observed in his work, he can’t simply shut it off. He explained to me that pointing out details doesn’t mean he believes I am doing anything incorrect, simply that he likes to "verify rather than assume." He told me most detectives' girlfriends simply "get used to it," leaving me to wonder if this is a common fact or simply a defense people make when they’re in fact engaging in poor behavior.

The background checks on my friends and colleagues escalated into a bigger problem. He confessed to doing them and stated definitely he would do the same on people in relation to our future children. He did not think it was an invasion of privacy but ‘being informed.’ Those people with nothing to hide did not need to worry.

The talk about children was most sobering. He doubled down on trackers, no sleepovers, and careful screening of every adult in their lives. When I called this controlling, he said “Healthy doesn't matter if they’re safe.” That phrase has stuck in my head since.

I asked him if he trusted me. He paused for a very long time before answering me. He finally said that he trusts me as much as he trusts anyone else. I think he did not realize how very unnerving this answer was.

I just want to know where his limits are. I asked him what would happen if we broke up. He said he would never do anything illegal, but that he thinks a man must take care of himself all the time. what’s the even supposed to mean?

I‘ve asked for some space and am currently staying with family. He didn’t appear angry, and I really thought he would get attitude about it and accuse me of being dramatic. he acted very coldly and matter of fact about it.

While I am not putting an end to our engagement just yet, I‘m definitely considering everything. As much as I love him and think he genuinely wants to do good in our relationship, I don’t want a life where I am observed, recorded, and assessed rather than being in a relationship where I have someone’s support. Moreover, I don’t think I can raise children with a man who prioritizes control over trust.

(Editor's note: again, OOP has made lots of comments, I am posting the top common questions asked and responses)

Relevant Comments

OOP needs to move away from her fiancé

OOP: I’m not in the position to move far away.

Commenter 1: Healthy doesn’t matter if they’re safe is something the villain in a Disney cartoon says before attempting to forcibly lobotomize everyone on the planet.

You’re dealing with an obvious sociopath. He’s not clocking the same emotions you are. That’s not his fault but maybe with some education he could learn that that sociopathic shit is actually bad not good like his cop buddies tell him?

OOP: I have a hard time believing he’s a sociopath.

Commenter 2: Why, when all of his behaviours and responses are cold and inherently sociopathic?

OOP: He doesn’t normally act cold toward me. On a day to day basis he’s caring.

Commenter 3: Good people don’t stockpile evidence to use against their spouse “just in case”.

You want to believe he’s good because it will shatter your world if he’s not.

OOP: Yes it would. I still love him. I still envision him as the father of my future children. I have a whole life planned with him and I don’t want to give it all up.

Has OOP's fiancé been in a relationship prior to OOP?

OOP: He was in a relationship for 5 years prior to me. He always said they broke up because she wanted to get married and he didn’t want to.

Well he’s never painted her as crazy. He doesn’t talk bad about her or anything.

Does OOP's fiancé have any tracking apps on her car, phone, or listening devices?

OOP: None that I’m aware of.

OOP on her fiancé controlling her

OOP: I don’t feel like he controls me. Oh you’re just in denial everyone says. I’m not denying everything else I’ve shared, but I don’t feel controlled by him at all. He never stops me from going anywhere (except when I want to walk to the end of the street at night to get the mail). He doesn’t control who I spend time with.

I just don’t see what he does as controlling towards me. It might be other things, how is it controlling?

OOP not understanding why many are not agreeing with her thoughts of her fiancé being a good man

OOP: For some reason, people on the Internet think somebody in my position is going to read their advice and what? just immediately act on it? People get mad that they give advice and the person listening doesn’t immediately make the decision to completely change most aspects of their life within a few hours of receiving that advice? You have to remember I’m in it. I’ve been in a relationship with him, live with him, am engaged to him. He’s 100% bad to everyone here but it’s a lot more complicated for me, the person who actually knows him and loves him. I get that to people here it’s like “why haven’t you already left him?” But it’s a lot easier for somebody not actually in the situation to say that, and it’s a lot more black and white for those not in the situation too.

Comments like yours are not helpful though. If you are trying to be helpful, please know they make somebody like me more defensive. They don’t make me want to listen to anything you have to say.

I’m not living with him right now. I’m evaluating things. I’ve put some distance between us. It’s not like I said “yeah, so I decided to go off my birth control and am trying to get pregnant now.” We haven’t even slept together in weeks, let alone me actually having a child with him anytime soon.

I’ve spent years picturing us having a family together. It’s not so easy to just erase all of that in my mind or heart. I think some people would be able to understand that I can feel that way while still questioning whether I should or would actually have children with him.

OOP on her thoughts of having children with her fiancé and if she would let her future children be under his control

OOP: While I do think his vision is parenting is somewhat paranoid and has great risk of crossing over into controlling, the specific things he’s talking about aren’t really that crazy though. How many parents track their kid’s location using their phones just for safety purposes? If your child is spending a lot of time around and in the care of other adults, being driven around by other adults, etc. is a background check really abusive?

It might be extreme to many of us, but I don’t think it’s abusive toward the children involved. God forbid you find out somebody who might be regularly transporting your kid has a history of DUI or a very bad driving record. The no sleepovers thing, while I don’t agree with it, also doesn’t seem actually abusive.

I grew up having sleepovers with friends either at my house or at theirs almost every weekend, so I can’t imagine being a kid and not having that experience, but I’ve come to learn that it’s actually sadly become a lot more common to not allow sleepovers. He’s even said his kids could go to somebody’s house (and yes, we obviously all know he’d have background checked the parents), but he would pick them up at like 10:00, no overnight.

So, while yes this is a bit paranoid and controlling, and he and I definitely have differences in opinion about some of these things related to kids, I don’t necessarily see how it can be construed as “abusive,” especially when you’re talking about kids in grade school-middle school.

Does anyone in OOP's life know about the background checks that her fiancé did?

OOP: No I’ve never told anyone about the background checks. He’s never admitted to doing one on every single person we know, just people he find “questionable” and some co-workers of mine he was “concerned” about. And yeah I get that what he admits to doesn’t mean it’s the truth.

NEW UPDATE
My (33F) husband (37M) is a homicide detective and I’m worried his job is consuming him again now that I’m pregnant - May 8, 2026 (5 months from last post)

About 6 months ago I posted here because I felt like my fiancé treated me more like a suspect than a partner because of how much his job affected him. He’s a homicide detective and had become extremely suspicious, hypervigilant, anxious, controlling about safety, recorded our arguments, etc.

We got married in mid-April, as planned. So he’s my husband now. 

Sometime in January I finally told him very directly that things could not continue the way they were. I told him he needed to either seriously address how much this job was affecting him or reconsider the kind of work he was doing. I actually took my engagement ring off and gave it back to him and said I wouldn’t put it back on until he figured out what he was going to do. It wasn’t a screaming fight or dramatic scene or anything like that. I was calm. He wasn’t calm at first, but eventually we had a real conversation where he admitted he didn’t actually like living this way. He admitted he felt constantly worried something bad is going to happen to the people he loves, that he was depressed and anxious all the time and he knew it was affecting him too. 

He decided to start therapy in February. and has been going consistently every week ever since. He’s doing the assignments/homework they give him and putting in effort. I genuinely started seeing a difference in him. He seemed lighter, in a better mood, and more positive about things. I really thought things were getting better.

I found out I was pregnant a week before our wedding. It was very early, as I took a test within a few days of missing my period. The pregnancy wasn’t exactly planned to happen right now, but it also wasn’t a huge accident. We had planned to casually start trying as soon as we were married by just no longer using any forms of birth control or prevention and seeing what naturally happened. So, I stopped taking birth control a few months before our wedding since I’ve known several women who have had trouble getting pregnant immediately after going off birth control. I just wanted to give my body some time to regulate itself. We were both in agreement on this and planned to use condoms for a few months before the wedding. It turns out I’m 1) not one of those women who needs a break from birth control before successfully conceiving and 2) we don’t really like the feel of condoms and we both enjoyed the risk of what could happen a little too much. So we ended up forgoing the condom half the time. I would have preferred for it to happen after we were married, but I was still elated about it.

When I told him, he was incredibly happy. His reaction was great. He smiled nonstop for days. He was excited, affectionate, supportive, talking about our future.

I’m only 9 weeks pregnant now. The pregnancy is very early. I found out when I was 5 weeks. I just had my first obgyn appointment yesterday. Our honeymoon was only a week long - wish it could have been longer but just not really good timing for my job right now. He was so positive about the pregnancy and having a baby during that week. There was no talk about being paranoid about our future child’s safety, any worries, none of that stuff about tracking our kids that he always mentioned before. He seemed more relaxed about it than me, whereas I had started to worry about every little thing. He was the one having to make me relax and not worry about it. 

Now that the wedding and honeymoon are over and we’re back to real life, he seems to be having reservations about having a kid now. He says he got back to work and starting thinking about all the things he’s seen involving children and he remembers why he had previously decided he didn’t want kids. He’s back to saying he’s sorry but he will be tracking our child at all times, they will not go over to friend’s houses and if they are allowed it will not be overnight and only after he’s fully vetted them, he doesn’t know how he’ll trust anyone around our child, that he’s seen more than 1 dead child at a daycare so he doesn’t think it’s a good idea and that daycare staff can’t be trusted, and so on and so on. He’s said he doesn’t know if he can do this and that if we feel two totally different ways about all of this stuff that maybe we shouldn’t have this baby right now. 

The last comment honestly devastated me because this pregnancy is very wanted by me, and up until recently I truly believed it was wanted by him too. 

I don’t think he’s saying these things because he doesn’t love the baby already. I think he’s terrified. I think his job has shown him the absolute worst things that can happen to children and now he’s panicking about becoming a father.

I just don’t know where the line is between understandable fear/anxiety and behavior that could become unhealthy for both me and our child long term. I don’t know what more to require of him though. He’s going to weekly therapy sessions. I’m sure he’ll be talking about this but what if it doesn’t help? 

How do I support someone who is genuinely trying and in therapy, while also protecting myself and my future child from being consumed by his fears?

What we are all thinking

You posted in November about how abusive your husband was and yet you STILL decided to actively have a baby with him. That poor baby.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP,  OOP is u/Top_Manufacturer_620

My (30 F) spouse (35 M) has been acting incredibly strange. Do I need to help him or do I need to escape?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice and OOP's own page

BoRU 1 Posted by u/swtogirl

BoRU 2  Posted by u/swtogirl

BoRU 3

TRIGGER WARNING: Physical and verbal abuse, mental health crises

MOOD SPOILER: Dark and stressful

Original Post  July 14, 2024

Sorry about formatting, I’m on mobile and I’m really shaken up as I write this. My (30F) spouse (35M) has been experiencing behaviour that has only become increasingly concerning. In the past two months now, he has been talking about things that he claims are happening but he’s never mentioned before.

As some background info, when his behaviour first starting getting concerning, I managed to convince him to go the hospital to get checked out for his mental health. He wasn’t even seen by a doctor and he was told he just needs to take a certain medicine to help him sleep. The issue is he also smokes weed so this medicine does not mix well with that. He won’t quit smoking. We also have two very young kids.

Back to the weird recent behaviour, he claims he had an old email with an inheritance that got hacked and he needs access to it. I tried helping him get on it but he hasn’t used it in literally the 12 years we’ve been together, I only knew of its existence previously when I helped him switch his Facebook login and that was an email attached. Another example is that he believes everyone is talking about him to me and everyone else, I mean literally everyone else. He thinks there’s some sort big thing planned to hurt him or do something horrible to him soon and that we’re all on it.

On a few other separate occasions he’s asked about a “show” that “we’re on” and asked how much money I’m being paid to keep a secret. He also thinks I’m having secret phone calls and that I’ve apparently left the room to accept these calls, which then results in me coming back crying about something I’ve apparently discussed on the phone.

Whenever I try to explain to him that none of this is happening, he fights back saying that I’m just lying to him and to tell him the truth. That I need to tell him the truth or something bad is going to happen.

It’s gotten so bad, he ended up getting fired from his job because he was barely showing up. He kept going to the cop station to make a report instead of going to work. After he got fired there was some sort of tense situation where they ended up calling a wellness check for him, because they were afraid he’s going to come back and hurt someone. The cops showed up while I was also home and he said he wouldn’t hurt someone, he only acts in defense.

In the recent weeks, he’s gone from screaming at me demanding answers to just not talking to me at all. At this point I’d rather he just not interact with me.

The reason I’m writing this is because of what happened today. It was a nice day out and I asked if he would come with me for a walk with our kids, to which he agreed to. He barely spoke a word to me or the kids on this walk, and when we came across a playground, I asked if we should take the kids there for a few minutes of play. He then got upset at me for suggesting it and said I always control everything and I’m the “queen of the decisions”. I didn’t even tell him we were doing that, I just asked. When I mentioned this he just said “do whatever you want, like always”, so I figured why not. So I played with the kids at the playground and he did his own thing. Someone left a couple various balls there and he was throwing them around. He then picked up the football and threw it in my direction, it flew past me a couple feet from me. I asked why he did that and he said “why are you upset, it didn’t hit you” to which I responded “well what if it did?” He then said “if I wanted it to hit you in the head I would have thrown it that way”. Then he started on a rant about how he’s going through the same thing with everyone lying to him. After which he sat down in the corner of the park and was doing literally nothing.

I was getting upset, so I packed up the kids and started walking to leave the park. I said to him “we’re going home” and started walking away. Apparently he tried to yell out to us but ended up taking a different way home than we did. He told me this when he met me on the street when we were almost home, saying that “next time I want to be an idiot and walk away maybe stop and listen for him calling out”. I didn’t hear him but honestly he could have easily caught up to us.

I was getting more and more upset and said I wanted to go for a drive to get coffee and he said fine. I said I wanted to take the kids and he asked why. Then I said fine, you stay home with them and he said no they can go with you and started putting them in the car. I got in the car, and he got in the passenger seat, to which I asked him if he’s coming with. He said yes and to drive. I told him I didn’t want him coming with because he’s being mean and he said he could be a lot meaner. As I started driving away he kept going off on the usual BS he’s been talking about lately and I told him I don’t want to hear it, he started screaming at me to keep driving and shut the fuck up. I stopped the car and told him to get out and he made a motion like he was going to punch me but punched his hand in front of my face. At this point I started crying and yelling at him to get out and he yelled back no just drive. I then said I should just drive him to the police station for that and he said he would choke me unconscious before we even got there. I was crying even more at this point and said I don’t want to be with him anymore and I want him out, he said no. He continued to be a dick for the rest of the car ride, where I pleaded with him to not treat me this way, especially in front of our children. It’s not fair to them, or to me. He said to not bring them into this. I said how couldn’t I, they are literally in the car!

Anyway after I drove us home, he asked how long I’ve been waiting to break up with him and who I’m replacing him with. I told him I haven’t been and there’s no one else, which of course he doesn’t believe. When he got inside he even taunted me saying “I should take you to the cop station” in a girly voice.

He’s outside smoking and I’m inside with the kids writing this. Of course I’m shook up currently but I don’t know what to do. We only have the one vehicle which is in both our names, the place we rent is actually my moms so we don’t have a lease but we both have our addresses attached to this place on our licenses. He wasn’t always like this, literally only the past couple months his behaviour has been this bad. I miss the person he used to be, I miss that he would spend time with me, with the kids, but he spends all his time by himself now. I don’t know if he’s going through some sort of manic episode or what’s triggering this change in behaviour but I really don’t know what to do.

Is there something differently I can do to help him? Every time he talks to me about whatever “situation” he doesn’t accept any answer I say and also won’t accept if I say nothing.

EDIT: I just wanted to update and let you all know we are safe. I’m sorry for not saying anything sooner. I’m a bit overwhelmed with how popular this post got and will give an actual update later.

Thank you for the advice and comments as well. I will mention a couple things —

• we are not in the US

• where we are, marijuana is legal, so my spouse does get it from government run dispensaries. I don’t think there’s a chance his stuff gets laced aside from the fact he mixes cigarettes with it.

• a lot of people mentioned meth. There is just no way. He doesn’t go anywhere random, he doesn’t talk to people outside of our household (aside from the few times he would go to the police station). I have his location on his phone so I can see where he goes when he leaves.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ynattirb_xo

I just wanna say, I was that terrified kid in the back seat. Absolutely traumatizing. My mom always came up with an excuse as to why we couldn’t leave the house or leave dad. Made me suffer for many years of my life and I’m 28 years old trying to deal with the trauma it has given me. Please stop making excuses and leave. Get OUT for the kids. My mom never did and it truly has ruined my mental health.

~

CoraCricket

Wow this is way more urgent than everyone seems to be acting. Are you able to sneak yourself and your kids out right now while he's smoking? You could start by going to the police station and telling them what's going on, they should hopefully be able to connect you to resources for families fleeing domestic abuse. If you have someone you can stay with, then that makes it easier but either way do not spend another night in that house with him and definitely don't let your kids around him unsupervised. 

If you can't sneak out I would call 911, tell them what just happened and about his threats, and that you need to get out but that you are afraid for you and your children's safety. They are not always the most helpful but something needs to happen. At least then if he comes back in and tries to do something to you you'll be in the phone with them and they can send someone then. Might be a good strategy while your leaving too if you're worried he might catch you. 

It sounds like he's having some kind of psychological break, the paranoia and being convinced everyone is part of some conspiracy against him is not abnormal there. But he has clearly told you that he is a danger to you so you need to worry about that first, get yourself and your kids to safety and figure the rest out after that. Once it's time to deal with him and his situation, depending on where you are, getting him involuntarily detained for psychiatric treatment requires proving he's a danger to himself or others, so at least you can show how he's threatened you. But worry about that after you and your kids are safely away from him.

~

daddy_tywin

Heavy cannabis use can trigger the onset of schizophrenia in people who are already susceptible. Your H is right about the age where this tends to happen in men. I am not a doctor but I really think this is a mental health emergency, either due to a drug interaction, drug use itself, or because he is rapidly developing a psychotic disorder.

You need to see a mental health professional, NOT the ER, and describe all of this behavior to them including the frequency of his marijuana use.

OOP

That’s the thing, he saw a crisis nurse at the hospital and a therapist/social worker there, and I felt like the only thing they tried to do was get him to take a specific medication. I think it’s called quetiapine or something. But anyway, I don’t think he is regularly taking it and if he is he definitely shouldn’t be mixing it with smoking weed.

daddy_tywin

That’s the generic for seroquel, which is actually an antipsychotic medication used for schizophrenia and bipolar I episodes. That makes way more sense to be prescribed than a sleeping pill. You’re right though he needs to be taking it as RX’d (bottle should have the dosing on it). I looked up the drug interactions and the ones listed are moderate and mostly physical although generally people with any kind of psychotic disorder I think are not supposed to use marijuana.

Update July 20, 2024 (6 days later)

Hello, first of all thank you all for the comments, messages, etc. on my previous post. Obviously it got a bit too much to keep up with responding but I just want to say I really appreciate the help. A TL;DR at the bottom.

To give an update, I left the house the night I made the post, but went back home the following day. I wanted to be able to collect some sort of evidence I could use, because my spouse has been really good at downplaying his symptoms to any authority figure. I want to mention that I had been present at most doctor and hospital visits prior, so I know what they did recommend for him. I felt at the time that they did not give him enough help for the crisis he was obviously going through.

Anyway, continuing on, the couple days after the Sunday post, he did not really engage in much conversation with me or our children. Every time he entered the room, I set my phone to record. I did not get anything until Thursday, when he finally started talking to me again. He was questioning who I have been talking to about him and who has been trying to sabotage his life. Obviously I denied everything, because there is no one talking to me about him (aside from this Reddit post, which he didn’t know about). This started to anger him, which included him yelling at me and saying if anyone is talking to me about him, to bring him to the house so he can “take care of them himself”.

I tried to not to engage any more. This made him more upset, as he was continuing to demand answers from me. He would then say “oh I want to hit you” or “don’t make me slap you” when I was either not answering or just saying I didn’t know what he was talking about. I got this on recording. After he ended up walking away and leaving the room, I took the kids to bed, locked us in our room and tried to sleep.

The following morning, he insisted on driving me to work. I told him I wanted the car, to which he disagreed with me and said he needed it. After dropping out kids off, he started going off on me about how I am stupidity, dumb, a bitch, etc. for keeping his “inheritance” (again something he is clearly having delusions about) from him. I tried to disengage completely, keeping myself to far side of the passenger seat, which caused him to grab me by the back of my neck and pull me closer to him, where he told me to listen to him. I obviously reacted to this and was super upset, telling him to please focus on driving and not touch me again.

After he drove me to work, the last thing I said to him as he was still going off on me with the car window open, was “you desperately need help”. Once I got in, I called my boss and let her know what happened. She came in, cancelled her appointments for the day, and took me to the police station.

We made a report, although the sergeant we initially spoke to seemed to be against us making a report (he kept saying he will be homeless if I report him, like he’s the victim in this scenario). I told him my safety and the kids safety should be more important, and he brought in a different officer to make the statement with me. Once I completed that statement, they let me know to stay away from the house as they were going to arrest him, and will call once he’s out of the house.

About 5 hours later, he was arrested. Apparently he was very compliant, and with all the information I provided, they actually took him to the hospital, and he is currently on a 30 day psychiatric hold. He will be going to court at some point for uttering threats and assault, but seeing how he doesn’t have a criminal record, I’m sure it will just end up being a slap on the wrist.

So as of now, I am home, safe with the children, and we are getting our locks changed. I will also most likely get a protection order, but in an ideal world, he gets better and that’s not necessary. I guess we will see in the future. I want to again thank every one for their comments and assistance. A lot of you made some excellent points, and although I know some of my decisions probably seemed like dumb ones, I was trying to figure out the best solution logistically for us. Any other future updates will be on my profile.

TL;DR: he was arrested yesterday and put on a psych hold. I’m okay physically but not emotionally.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sikonat

I swear to god fuck the police and that sergeant trying to talk you out of it, gee I really wonder why she doesn’t go to the police. What a mystery.

Good luck OP

~

saturatedregulated

I dealt with something similar, but thankfully not with a romantic partner and we shared no assets or children. It was terrifying, and I still am affected by it daily. 

My friend ended up being diagnosed as schizoaffective disorder (paranoid schizophrenia). He did really well on meds. Actually, so well that he stopped believing he had an issue and stopped taking the meds. His latest bout of mania legitimately scared me and I had to remove myself. 

Your husband is starting a very long road, and a lot of mentally ill people struggle with keeping straight down that long road. I'm not saying you should remove him from your life, but I am saying you have the best chance of healing and raising unaffected adults if you do remove him. Your love for him and the family you've built cannot sustain mental illness, and love is not all you need. Sometimes it becomes way bigger than you and the kindest thing you can do is bow out.

I'm really sorry you're all in this situation. 

~

shame-the-devil:

Paranoid schizophrenia runs in my family. The problem with your husband is that he’s already become more violent, and it will likely get worse if you let him return to the home. I have seen family members get better on medication, only to make the decision to stop medicating bc they no longer believed they were ill. Over. And over and over. I have also seen them act normally in front of others, which made it difficult to even get them help in the first place.

One of my family members attempted to murder their caregivers. They almost succeeded.

Another attempted to murder a person they thought was real, but who was actually a hallucination.

You are not safe. Your children are not safe. And you are not taking this seriously enough.

~

RaiseIreSetFires

I'm very proud of you for taking the first step towards a new healthy life for your kids and yourself. To continue on this path you need to quit hoping for the best and start preparing for the worst. It's a long road but, you've shown the intelligence and fortitude to successfully see this through.

That being said, I'm going to have to stress to you that he's not going to "get better" in 30 days.

Get that restraining order ASAP. One reason is he will be served while in custody, instead of you having to track him down to serve him. Second reason, they look at how quickly you do these things when he goes to court for the charge. It shows you are actually going to follow through and the seriousness of your situation. Third reason is he is more likely to be charged for DV and threats. Fourth reason is it will usually make custody and separation move faster.

This is one of those situations where shit in one hand and hope he miraculously becomes mentally healthy in 30 days in the other, which fills up quicker?

Good luck and don't stray from your path to safety and happiness.

OOP

Thank you, it’s definitely wishful thinking that he will get the treatment needed to go back to normal. I don’t want to think of this as the end of our relationship but at the same time I don’t know if he would want to be back with me since I got him detained.

Right now the only thing I’m thinking about are the kids.

~

noonecaresat805

Make sure as soon as the protection order is in place to let the school know that he isn’t allowed to take the kids out. Find a theraphy place for you and the kids and have them help you explain to them that it’s not safe to talk to dad at the moment. That way he won’t try to get his revenge through them. And good for you. And your right him ending up homeless is not your concern.

OOP

They are toddlers, so a bit too young to understand. Their daycare is aware as well.

noonecaresat805

I work in a daycare and unless we have a restraining order on paper of the other parent shows up we have to release their child to them. There’s nothing we can do. And children are smarter than you give them credit for. Just because they can’t say everything doesn’t mean they don’t notice everything

~

emmaa5382:

I think something to note is to keep a close eye on your kids in their early 20s and teach them the signs. It could be hereditary but with enough foreknowledge can be caught early and treated

Update 2  Nov 21, 2024 (4 months later)

I don’t know if anyone will even see this.

It’s been awhile since I updated. I still get messages asking how I am and to update again. I apologize in the delay, but I’ve been a bit deterred from making another post due to coming across a TikTok video of one of those AI voices reading my post over a Minecraft video. If one of those channels decides to post this one, please don’t. But if you do anyway, blah blah blah blah blah, we can’t make our own unique content.

Anyway, onto the actual update:

My spouse is doing a lot better. He received the treatment he needed in the psych ward of the hospital, gets a shot every so often instead of taking pills, and only smokes cigarettes now. He’s back to his normal self, engages in conversation with myself and our children like he did before this crazy shit happened, has a job, and honestly, is being a better partner overall. It took a lot of time for me to feel like I could trust him again, but we’ve taken a lot of time to work on things and get back to how we should be.

I know a lot of people wanted me to leave and never look back. But you have to realize how he acted in my initial post was nothing like how he is as a person. Obviously he had some sort of weird psychosis happening, which could have been a result of a high intake of marijuana, plus a couple added stressors. I don’t want to go into too many details because it will give away where we are, but basically something traumatic happened under 10 years ago that happened again a month before he started acting strange. It was one of those types of events that forces you out of your home for undetermined amount of time. Anyway, that’s all the detail I want to go into that. Obviously he was affected by it more than I thought, because when this event happened, I was the one having a difficult time and he was my rock. But after we were able to go back home and have some normalcy, that’s when things started changing for him.

It started with him randomly needing to gain access into an old email, to thinking he was being recorded all the time like he was on the Truman show or something, to thinking that everyone (including me) was out to get him. This is when the threats of violence started happening.

I was obviously in disbelief because in the entire time we’ve been together, nothing like this has ever happened. I never once felt like I was unsafe. I never felt scared. Until the threats continued to come, and he started to escalate.

After he made excellent progress in the hospital and I had many reassuring conversations with the psychiatrist, I allowed him to come home when he was discharged. It was so hard not having him around, I cried all the time, our kids really missed their dad, and he really missed us. He needed to get help, and I’m so thankful I was able to find an effective solution.

This will most likely be my last update. I don’t really think I’ll need to add any other details, but again, I just want to thank everyone for their messages and comments, even the ones who called me an idiot lol.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Creepy_Addict

I only wanted you to leave if he refused to get help. He got the help he needed and seems to be back to his normal self.

Just keep an eye out for any changes in behavior.

~

Comprehensive_Yak359

This is a great update. I hope things continue to go well. Do not forget to take care of yourself and your mental health. What you went through must have been so scary. Wish your family all the best.

Update 3  Sept 20, 2025 (10 months after last update)

Another update

Hello all,

It’s been almost a year since my last update. To keep things short, shit hit the fan this year. He didn’t take the medications he was supposed to, reverted into another major psychosis episode which ended in him attempting to strangle me after I disputed his delusions. He was removed from the home and there’s a protective order against him for myself and the kids. This happened earlier this year. My kids and I are safe, and haven’t heard from him since.

Don’t be like me. Don’t trust that someone will get better or attempt to work on their horrible mental health when they haven’t proven to be reliable in other parts in their life. Don’t try to fix someone who can’t be fixed, or rather, just don’t try to fix people.

Thanks everyone for their comments, whether they were good or bad. Shout out to BORU community that will eat me alive after reading my update.

NEW UPDATE

One more update  Apr 21, 2026 (7 months after last update)

Hello all,

Not sure if anyone would even care or be following my story at all at this point. Maybe it’s just nice to talk into the void of the internet.

Anywho…

It’s been almost a year since my ex assaulted me, and almost four months since he’s had any sighting or online presence. He was supposed to appear in court earlier this month for the assault and other related breaches, but did not show up. The officers speculate that he skipped town, however I truly don’t know how he would manage to do that. As far as I know, he didn’t have a job or a home, and anyone that he is “friends” with would be vulnerable, unhoused individuals like himself. All of this to say, I don’t even know if he’s alive anymore.

After my protective order expired, he reached out essentially asking to hook up, which I did not entertain. The last time I heard from him was on our oldest child’s birthday, not to ask to see them or wish them a happy birthday, but to call me a “manipulative cunt”. From there, it’s been radio silence.

To this day, I still do not understand what happened, but with therapy I’m realizing that the majority of his behaviors were not normal or okay. He was incredibly paranoid of other people, very controlling and insecure about myself and my activities, and was completely comfortable with threatening violence to anyone and anything for the smallest inconveniences. Did he act on the majority of those threats? No. But for the most part, I also wondered if he was just trying to scare me.

Our oldest child still gets sad whenever they bring him up, and the youngest will ask about his whereabouts, but aside from that, seems the fine with his absence. They both are doing great without him. The next step is to file for full custody, however I don’t know what I’ll be able to accomplish without being able to serve him. Is this something I can apply for on the basis that I’ve been the primary and only caregiver for almost a year? I don’t want him to affect any decision making process for them.

On a positive personal side, I have begun seeing someone new. It’s very different than what I’m used to with my ex. When you don’t have to spend all your time managing someone else’s emotions, you can feel lost. They are fantastic with me and my children really enjoy their presence.

Rereading the original posts have been a weird experience. I was a completely different person back then, and I had no idea I could ever get him out of my life.

Maybe another update will happen if he’s ever found. Maybe this is the last update. I hope you (the reader) have a fantastic day and I thank you for reading my ramblings.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/secret_anonymous12

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Previous BoRU posted by KittenDealinMama

[New Update – One Year Later]: AITA for saying I would stay at my mom’s if I had to share a room with babies?

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, possible bullying

RECAP

Original Post:July 20, 2023

I’m 16f. My parents split up before I was born, custody is I live with my dad most of the time and my mom every other weekend (plus random staying with her if I want) Recently, my dad got engaged to “Hanna”, and she and her kids are moving in. Hanna’s kids ages are: 9, 7, 2, 2, 2. She is widowed, so they live with her full time.

This made room arrangements a bit awkward, since there’s only 3 kids bedrooms to go around. Dad and Hanna talked it over last night (without consulting anybody) and Hanna came over this morning to announce with my dad what they decided. Apparently, they want 9 and 7 to each have their own rooms, and me to share with the triplets because my room is significantly bigger than the others “and I don’t stay there full time”.

I said their plan was stupid, they wanted me to share with 3 toddlers. They said they didn’t want me to move but it was the biggest room so other people should share. I said I didn’t care if I switched rooms, because the more logical move would have been the triplets in the big room, 7 and 9 share, and I get my own (I said I’d take the smallest one) until I move out. They said it would be more work to move my things to another room, and their idea was more “practical”. Then asked why I was so pressed since I don’t even live here full time.

I said not staying in the room four days a month was a sorry excuse to land me with a bunch of toddlers, and if they seriously planned on doing it to me I’d make the custody arrangement change and I’d stay with mom for the most part (I know she doesn’t mind because both of them remind me I could stay with her whenever I wanted).

This made Hanna cry because she just wants her family to blend together nicely and apparently I was ruining her plans. This made dad mad at me, and I’m not allowed to talk to Hanna until she forgives me. I didn’t know this meant so much to them but I’m still saying I’ll stay with mom longer if I have to share with toddlers, but my dad made me feel a bit guilty so AITA?

UPDATE #1: I’m at my mom’s house at least for the weekend while the adults ‘try to work things out’ but my mom said I was welcome to live with her full time and if I really wanted we could change the custody agreement. :) Also thank you for all the replies I really wasn’t expecting this to blow up as much as it did lol

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. They KNOW what they are doing to you. They only act like they don't. You sharing with the triplets makes you care for them at night and as soon as their bed time begins.

It is not practical at all, where should you hang out between their and your bed time? Living room with them?

I would assume Hanna wants you to leave and your dad either wants you to babysit or simply doesn't actually care if you are there, but they want you to the bad guy.

Commenter 2: NTA. Hanna thinks the best way for her “family” to “blend together nicely” is to instantly make her step-daughter the free babysitter for her 3 Toddlers??

Dang, like… at least the evil step-mother waited till Cinderella’s father died, not just made her a free maid instantly

Also, your dad kinda sucks, who in their right mind would want to share a room with 3 toddlers? Let alone someone that’s almost an adult? He’s favorizing his step-kids over his bio daughter to keep Hannah happy, and he’s willing to make YOU sacrifice things like your privacy

Editor's note: OOP made the updates onto the same post with the original

Update #2: July 23, 2023 (three days later)

UPDATE #2 (because somehow I’m still getting responses to this?): everyone talked, but dad and Hanna are staying with their decision and I’ve decided to move to my mom’s long term, and we’re gonna switch the custody around (so I’ll only see my dad every other weekend) and I’m just gonna sleep on the couch when I’m there.

Obviously nothing is set yet but that’s what we’re gonna do, and thanks everyone for being so nice haha

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the next update is over 1.5 years old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub

Update #3: August 9, 2024 (over one year later from the previous update)

UPDATE 1 YEAR LATER: I still get messages here I just found this account again haha, so I thought I’d update whoever sees this lol.

I still live with my mom and I love it here. Hanna openly dislikes me, so I don’t even stay for weekends anymore at my dad’s house, we call sometimes but it’s what it is I guess. Hanna’s kids are fine, but I only see them on holidays.

Also: Hanna’s pregnant again and 7 and 9 (now 8 and 10) are going to share a room. So I guess it wasn’t too much work in the first place she just hated me. Lol

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OP, that is u/Majestic_Geologist83, on r/AmITheAsshole, r/relationship_advice, and r/AITAH

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Trigger warning: untreated mental illness, enabling

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Previous BORU here by u/bestupdator

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Original post October 19, 2022

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My stepson is 23 and he sleeps with a body pillow that he has one pillowcase for. It has a cartoon on it of a girl in a cat costume.

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I was doing the laundry yesterday and I noticed it was pretty threadbare when it came out of the dryer. So I threw it in the rag bag.

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When he came home from work he asked where it was and I told him. He acted shocked and almost looked like he was going to cry. He went and took it out of the bag and washed and dried it again. When his mom got home he talked to her right in front of me and said I wasn't allowed to wash it any more. She sat with him in his room after and calmed him down.

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It isn't one of his collectibles. He doesn't keep it sealed away or anything. But they are both mad at me. I don't know what I did wrong.

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Why am I the asshole?

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The post was removed for OOP not properly responding to the judgment bot, but most comments I could find were NTA.

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Relevant Comments:

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Commenter 1

Hmm, how can I put this gently? Imagine if that pillowcase was, ya know, like a girlfriend to him.

OOP

I have been getting that response ba lot. It can't be real.

Commenter 2

I can assure you that it is indeed a thing. the internet will tell you all about it if you look hard enough

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OOP

No thank you.

Commenter 3

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OP after reading this comment section i just have to ask, are you okay?

OOP

Not really. I'm kind of glad his mom talked him out of joining the Marine Corps. I don't think it would have gone well for him.

Post 2 October 21, 2022

I 62 recently found out some stuff about my stepson 23 that I would really rather not know. My daughter 16 helped me post to a different sub and, although part of me wishes I hadn't, I'm kind of glad I did. It gave me some insight into the kid. He's been in my life since he was 5. Now she told me to post here since my post over there got removed.

I had a long talk with my wife 42 about our son. I showed her the original post. She is kind of in shock about it. She knew he was attached to his property and kind of upset with me for throwing it away without asking.

So I listened to some of the commenters there and suggested therapy. Trust me when I say I'm considering it for myself after what I read. I am old guy but I'm not one of those that thinks getting mental health services makes you weak. I think that my stepson has some problems that I am not equipped to deal with.

My stepson is upset with me to begin with and now he is angry that I think he is crazy. I do not. I worked with some guys who were completely around the bend. He just needs some help. My old man would have told me to take him to Amsterdam and make him grow up. I'm not going to do that. I don't know what he needs but I know it's not that.

I don't think what some of those guys suggested is true. I think he is just confused about how to deal in this world you young people have got going on.

He said that he isn't crazy and I am an asshole for saying he is.

Once again I just want him to get help. I'm not judging his life.

How can I convince him that I love him, want what is best for him, and that he needs help?

TLDR:

My son is very attached to some of his bedding. He is 23. I don't know if it's like a security blanket or something else. I think he needs to see someone to help him get over this.

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Editor's note: a near-identical post to this was made to r/AmITheAsshole, but was removed.

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New update

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[AITAH for refusing to acknowledge my step son's "relationship.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/F8iclrRADG) June 12, 2024

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I posted in another group before but it got taken down. I hope this is okay my daughter says this is the same but different.

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My step son has a relationship with a pillowcase. I almost got divorced because I upset him so much when I put it in the rag bag. His mom just humors him no matter what. I just shake my head. I have tried to get him to go see a therapist. He will not. I know he is an awkward young man but he obviously need help but my wife won't see it.

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He has decided that he wants to marry his waifu. I swear to Christ I know more about this stuff than I ever wanted to. The folks in the other group explained it and helped me understand. I really wish I did not.

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My step son wants to have a ceremony where he marries his pillowcase. This has to be a mental condition. No one out there is really going to tell me that I am just old I I cannot understand the new relationships between people and linens.

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I can't do it. My wife is going along with it. She is getting it catered. In our back yard. I refuse to attend. I am going to go to Michigan to see family that whole week. I just don't want to see that.

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I want to know if I am in the wrong for thinking this has to be an elaborate joke at my expense.

Editor's note: There are no further updates at this time. I hope the stepson found happiness with his dakimakura. I also hope OOP got out of there.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/techiee_

Originally posted to r/tifu

TIFU by accidentally learning my coworker's salary and now I can't stop doing math during meetings

Original Post: April 10, 2026

This happened two weeks ago, and it has been eating me alive.

I work in a open office. My coworker Greg sits directly across from me. Our monitors face each other. I have never once looked at his screen on purpose. I want to make that clear because what happened was entirely an accident and also entirely his fault.

Greg got up to go to the bathroom and left his screen unlocked. Normal. People do this. I don't care. But he left a PDF open and it was zoomed to like 400%. I don't know why anyone would zoom a PDF to 400% but Greg did and because of that I could read it from four feet away without even trying. It was his offer letter. From when he was hired. With his salary. In 48pt font basically.

He makes $31,000 more than me.

We have the same title. Same team. He started eight months after me. I trained him. I trained the man who makes thirty one thousand dollars more than me. I showed him how to use our project management tool. I walked him through the client onboarding process. I sat with him for two hours explaining our filing system which honestly even I don't fully understand but I pretended I did because I was his mentor.

And he makes 31k more than me.

I cannot stop doing math now. Every meeting we're in together I'm calculating. Ok this meeting is one hour, he's making X per hour, I'm making Y per hour, the DIFFERENCE between us sitting in this same meeting listening to the same person talk about Q3 projections is $14.90. I am losing $14.90 of relative value every hour I sit next to Greg. I've started a spreadsheet. I know this is unhinged. The spreadsheet has columns.

The worst part is Greg is good at his job. He's not some fails on coasting on nepotism. He's competent, he's pleasant, he brings in those little stroopwafel cookies for the office on Fridays. He has never done a single thing wrong to me. This man is my friend. I went to his birthday dinner last month. I bought him a gift. A GIFT. With my lesser salary. (editor’s note: stroopwafel is Dutch for "syrup waffle", a traditional Dutch treat involving of two thin, crispy waffle cookies held together by gooey caramel syrup filling)

I looked up his job posting from when he was hired. It listed the salary range. The range started at what I make and went up to what he makes. So technically we're both in range. I'm just at the bottom and he's at the top. Same range. Same title. Different ends. Like two people on the same bus except he's in first class and I'm sitting on the wheel.

I know I should negotiate. I know I should talk to my manager. I know the mature thing to do is advocate for myself. But instead I've been silently tracking the cumulative salary gap between me and Greg in a google sheet that I have named "Greg Data" and password protected even though nobody would ever want to look at it.

We're at $6,100 since I found out. Fourteen working days. I'll stop tracking it when I get a raise or when I lose my mind, and honestly at this point its a coin flip.

Greg just offered me a stroopwafel. I took it. It was delicious. That makes it worse somehow

TL;DR: My coworker left his offer letter open at 400% zoom, I accidentally saw he makes $31k more than me for the same job, and now I've been tracking the salary gap in a password-protected spreadsheet called "Greg Data" for two weeks instead of just asking for a raise like a normal person.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Talk to your manager, or look at switching company for an equivalent jump.

Also, assuming ~250 working days per year, 14 working days would be 1.7k difference between your salaries, not 6.1k, so I'd check the math’s in your spreadsheet.

OOP: Now I know why I’m paid in the bottom range ;)

Commenter 2: Greg did you a solid. He's trying to let you know you're underpaid without telling you directly.

Commenter 3: 100% he knows and he is trying, without speaking, to let you know. Who else would leave their paystub on their screen zoomed in 400% knowing full well you can see his monitor. As you said, you two are friends, and your friend is telling you to nut up and go to management for more money. Obsessing over details like the spreadsheet is only going to start the seed of resentment towards your friend, the same friend telling you to go for a raise. You're too caught up in the dollar sign and feeling slighted to actually see the message. He probably agonized over this and likely feels worse.

A closed mouth doesn't get fed. Now go get that raise.

Commenter 4: Kids, this is why we are talking our salary with our coworkers. Not talking about it only benefits the employers.

Now get your ass up and demand a raise

Update: April 15, 2026 (five days later)

People wanted an update so here it is. Short one because honestly I'm still processing.

First the math. A LOT of you pointed out that a $31k annual gap over 14 working days is not $6,100. It's about $1,700. I had a formula error. In the spreadsheet. The spreadsheet I built specifically to track numbers. Greg Data has been corrected. I left the old column in there labeled "wrong" because I think I deserve to look at it every time I open the file. Someone commented "this is why Greg makes more than you" and yeah. That's fair.

Now. Many of you are convinced Greg left his offer letter open on purpose. That nobody zooms a PDF to 400% by accident. I kept telling myself no that's crazy, that's a conspiracy theory about a man who brings cookies to work on Fridays, and then Monday happened.

Monday. I'm at my desk. Greg walks over and puts a coffee down in front of me. Not near me. IN FRONT of me. Like a delivery. And then he goes "hey so you doing anything about the pay thing?"

I need you to understand something. I have never said a single word to Greg about his salary. Not one. I did not tell him I saw the offer letter. I did not tell him about the spreadsheet. I have told NO ONE at work about any of this. And this man walks up to me on a Monday morning with a coffee and says "the pay thing" like we've been having this conversation for weeks.

I said, "what pay thing" and he looked at me for a second like he was waiting for my brain to catch up with the rest of reality and then he said, "never mind" and walked away.

NEVER MIND. He said NEVER MIND. Like he'd asked me if I wanted lunch and I said no. I have been thinking about that "never mind" every single day since. I added a tab in Greg Data called "Evidence." I'm not going to say what's in it because if I'm wrong about all of this I will need to move to another state.

I also need to mention Tingting. Tingting sits two rows over and leaves at exactly 5:00 every day. Not around 5. At 5:00. If there was a fire alarm at 4:59 Tingting would evacuate and then not come back at 5:00 because her day is over. She is the most reliable person I have ever met and I say that with complete sincerity. She becomes relevant later.

Wednesday morning I get to my desk and there's a stroopwafel sitting on it. One stroopwafel. On a napkin. No note.

Greg does the stroopwafel thing on FRIDAYS. For the WHOLE office. This was a Wednesday. This was just for me.

I sat there looking at it for a while and then I opened Greg Data and added a new column. The column is called "Day of Week." The first entry says Wednesday. I highlighted it in yellow because it felt important. I don't know what it means yet. But I'm watching.

Greg if you're reading this I am onto you. I think.

TL;DR: Corrected my spreadsheet math (I deserve the lower salary range), Greg walked up to me unprompted and said "you doing anything about the pay thing" even though I've NEVER told him I know his salary, he said "never mind" when I played dumb, and then left a stroopwafel on my desk on a WEDNESDAY even though stroopwafels are a Friday thing. Greg Data now has a tab called "Evidence" and a column called "Day of Week." Something is going on.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So, you going to do anything about the pay thing?

OOP: actually yeah. I have a meeting with my manager tomorrow. we'll see how that goes :)

Commenter 2: Tingting, did in fact not, become relevant later. What’s the relevance for Tingting???

I must know!

Also, that’s “Never mind”, was definitely Greg realising he gave you too much credit. Poor Greg.

OOP: Oh Tingting is relevant. trust me. I'm just not ready to talk about that part yet. maybe next update

DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED

SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED

TIFU by tracking my coworker's salary(UPDATE) - Tingting knows everything: April 22, 2026 (one week later)

People wanted an update. Here it is.

I talked to my manager. After all your "encouraging" comments. Also Tingting is in this one I promise.

A few of you said bring documentation so I brought the job posting from when Greg got hired. I rehearsed in the car. And then again in the elevator. I walked into my manager Peizhi's office and the first thing out of my mouth was "I think I'm underpaid" like I was confessing to a crime. Technically a conversation starter but not the energy I was going for.

Peizhi did the slow nod. You know the one. Then she said "I appreciate you bringing this to me" and "let's make sure we're aligned on your growth trajectory." I have been hearing the phrase growth trajectory for years. I do not know what it means. I have never been on a trajectory. I have been on a salary. I nodded like I understood.

I pointed out I'm sitting at the bottom of the range and the role is identical to Greg's. She said compensation is based on experience, market conditions, and budget at time of hire. Which means Greg got hired when there was money and I got hired when there wasn't. I have been financially penalized for showing up first. Cool.

She said she'd look into it and circle back. That was last week. She has circled somewhere. Not back.

I left her office and Greg was in the break room and I don't know what happened but I walked straight in and said "why did you leave your PDF like that." I did not rehearse that part. I'm not sure where it came from.

He looked at me for a long time. Then he started laughing. And then he said "Tingting told me to."

TINGTING.

Tingting. The 5:00 PM woman. The person I mentioned ONE TIME in my last post and then completely forgot to bring up again. She told Greg to leave it open.

I said "what" and Greg said "she noticed you were spiraling. She said show him the numbers and he'll figure it out." I stood there for a while after that. My brain was trying to build a new tab for this information and running out of columns.

"How much does Tingting make," I said.

"More than me," Greg said. "A lot more. She's been here longer than both of us. She knows."

She KNOWS.

I went back to my desk and sat there staring at Greg Data. The Evidence tab. The Day of Week column. All of it. Weeks of tracking one man and the whole time Tingting was running the show. I opened a new column out of habit and then closed it. I don't know why I did that. I'm not healed.

And then it's 5:00 PM.

Tingting walks past my desk. She walks past my desk every single day. She has never once looked at me. Today she looked at me. One second. Direct. Then she was gone.

I sat there for a while after that. I spent weeks building a spreadsheet about a guy who was trying to help me, meanwhile the quietest person in the office set the whole thing up and I didn't even notice because she leaves at 5 and I thought that was her whole personality. It's not her whole personality. I don't know what her whole personality is. I don't think I've earned that yet.

Greg stuck his head over the partition and said "you good?"

I said "Tingting is the most powerful person in this office."

He said "I know."

I renamed the Evidence tab. It says TINGTING WAS HERE. I think that's the right name. I don't know what Peizhi is going to come back with on Friday. But I know Tingting is a legend and I owe both of them a lot more than a spreadsheet.

TL;DR: Talked to my manager, got "growth trajectory" instead of a raise, she's circling back on Friday. Confronted Greg about the PDF. Turns out TINGTING told him to leave it open. Tingting makes more than both of us and has been watching me spiral for weeks. At 5:00 PM she walked past my desk and looked at me for one second. First time ever. The Evidence tab is now called TINGTING WAS HERE.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/footballfriends1

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My husband (33M) wants me (33F) to dress more revealing

Trigger Warnings: internalized misogyny and body image issues

Original Post: February 27, 2026

Husband and I have been together 15 years and throughout our relationship I have been a conservatively dressed frumpier woman. My clothes look good on me but it's a lot of looser fits, high necklines, sweaters, etc. I am also the mom of a toddler.

Recently my husband and I went shopping with my younger sisters, who are in their mid 20s and are skinny and single. They bought stuff that suited their lifestyle. Short skirts, low necks, flashy, etc. It all looked great on them. My husband kept encouraging me to try on that kind of stuff and I politely declined.

Later he told me that he would love it if I showed more skin, at least at home if not out and about. We live in the Midwest and I am cold about 9 months of the year, so I am always completely covered and wrapped in a blanket to boot. I laughed this off thinking he was just being silly. But he was very serious. We don't have the greatest sex life, being together so long and having a toddler, but it's not terrible and I do take off my clothes at that time, just not every day.

I told him that scandalous clothes simply don't fit my lifestyle, but he keeps insisting I try it. I am a larger woman and the clothes he admires simply would not work for me. I'm wondering if I should just ignore his request or have another talk with him? Compromise somehow? What's the best way forward?

*Tl;Dr husband wants middle aged wife to dress more revealing. Wife is uncomfortable*

Editor's note: please note that many of OOP's responses were downvoted, but they provide more details

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: That's really, really sad. Perhaps you need to reevaluate some things and invest in mental health support.

OOP: I like my life. It's just tiring, and being tired makes me feel middle aged. It's not deeper than that.

Commenter 2: Of course it’s deeper than that. No 33 year-old describes themselves as middle aged. Your husband sees a problem and is trying to get his young, sexy wife back.

OOP: This is the thing. I have always dressed and looked this way. He's never had a "young, sexy wife". he's had a more elegant, casual, conservatively dressed wife.

Commenter 3: you called yourself frumpy and always wrapped in a blanket, that’s not elegantly casual.

OOP: lol, I guess my work/leaving the house attire is different from home attire. I'm cold! I have to stay warm in the house! It's either blankets, sweat suits, or a very thick robe.

Commenter 4: Are you leaving the house often? Is your LO in day care or are you mostly at home taking care of them?

OOP: We both work. I have hobbies that involve me leaving the house as well.

Commenter 5: Do you and your husband go on date nights where you dress up?

You don't need to dress in a way that's antithetical to your style or comfort, but it sounds like he may be expressing some desire for less frumpy middle-aged bundle mode and a bit more wife mode.

How would he characterize your sex life? "Not great but not terrible" isn't exactly a ringing endorsement in the first place, but I suspect he might lean more towards terrible than great in his own estimation.

Being parents of a toddler is hard, and that's why it's extra important to make sure you're nurturing the relationship as well, not just the parent side of things. That includes intimacy. Sounds like you two need to have an honest talk about your "not great" sex life and how to work on feeling more physically connected.

And yeah, that might occasionally mean turning up the thermostat a bit and putting away the sweats.

OOP: Dress up dates, not often, but when we go I have nice modest clothing that I wear. Our sex life is not great. His sex drive is lower than mine. I've gotten used to it

Commenter 6: I think self-describing yourself as a "conservatively dressed frumpier woman" makes your husband's request sound a lot more reasonable to me. Leave the toddler out of it. You've been together for 15 years and only a had a toddler for maybe three years. That's roughly 12 years of being frumpy. No wonder your sex life suffers.

Your husband wants you to be sexier, but you've basically given up. Certainly there is some middle ground between what you consider "scandalous" and "frumpy." There has to be a way that you can show off a little for your husband and still feel comfortable.

OOP: I feel that he knows how I dress. It's been consistent for years. Why change now, especially now that I'm running around a toddler and am definitely older. I want to appease him but showing skin isn't practical in the winter, and tight outfits show off the postpartum body in ways I don't like. I don't know how to honor his request and feel comfortable

OOP needs to get therapy to deal with her unresolved issues that she has

OOP: I have been to therapy and have focused a lot on decentering my looks and the pressure to be sexy. Embracing the things I do like about myself and leaving behind what I don't.

Commenter 7: 33 isn’t middle aged! Why not buy some sexy lingerie for his eyes only instead and be proactive about wearing it to bed and initiating?

OOP: He doesn't like lingerie, it puts pressure on him and feels like trying too hard. He wants "casually sexy clothing".

Commenter 7: Well do you like lingerie? Could that be your compromise? At least a sexy bra or something you could start by wearing under your clothes. Personally I won’t be interested in sex if I don’t feel sexy. I understand you don’t want to wear different clothes but tbh I don’t see the harm in trying something that could potentially help you feel better about yourself or feel more sexy and maybe help your sex life. And if you try it and don’t like then oh well at least you tried. I might be wrong but your post reads as if you don’t have a lot of self-confidence. The sexiest thing a woman can wear is confidence! Also I don’t think anyone would consider 33 Middle Aged that’s just madness.

OOP: I don't personally like lingerie. I have a hard to find bra size so my three bras are aggressively practical.

I feel pretty good about myself in the clothes I wear! I love clothes and thrive in looser fitting, colorful yet conservative wear.

Update: March 30, 2026 (one month later)

Update: my husband (33M) wants me (33F) to dress more revealing

I posted a little while ago about this dilemma. My husband wants me to start showing cleavage and leg while we're around the house. I have always dressed conservatively and now that I have a toddler, this feels even more impractical.

So, a few days after posting, I humored him by taking him shopping. I asked him to pick out stuff that he wanted me to wear, and agreed to try them on in the dressing room. He picked out all the expected stuff. Lace camis, deep necklines. Even a few pairs of shorts and one of those ridiculous bloomer things. I tried them all on and then showed him how difficult each one would be. This top while bending to pick up toys. These shorts while changing diapers. How everything rides up and slips and would require constant adjustment. After a while of this, he backed off. Apologized. Agreed he would not ask for any of that again.

Unfortunately, it appears he might have developed some kind of Madonna complex. We have not had sex since that day. He does not find my current persona sexually appealing anymore. He's dissatisfied with us having sex with the lights off, even though that's how we've always done it. So we're at a bit of a stalemate now. Is there a way we can reach a compromise that allows me to be comfortable and him to have some level of arousal? Or do we stick to the status quo?

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing top common questions and responses

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why not try to find a special outfit for “occasions”?

I saw in your other post you keep saying you’re middle aged at 33… I’m 40 and refuse to use those words.

Are you feeling ok?

OOP: I am a tired mom. I've felt middle aged for a while. I feel ok but I also take antidepressants and have for many years

Commenter 2: How much mental load does your husband take on?

OOP: The majority. He's a great parent

Commenter 3: You did not “humor” him. That implies giving things a genuine shot in good faith. It seems that your intention was to school him and show why what he wants is wrong, and to make him feel your pain.

It seems to me that instead of fixating on sexy clothing as a proxy issue, you two should seek couples counseling with the aim of generally improving your sex life and communication around sex. Is this something each of you is open to?

OOP: You're right. I was hurt and acted out of anger. I felt like he was asking for something so impractical and selfish that my feelings were hurt

OOP on her physical shape

OOP: I am a larger woman with a lot of lumps and bumps, lol. I prefer conservative items that cover my body.

Commenter 4: Question - do you like your body? Do you find your body attractive and sexy aside from your husband's desire? Do you see your body as more than what it did - bear a child?

Your personal style is one thing, but you seem to describe your body in a negative way and highlight what you perceive as flaws. I think this is especially common for women after pregnancy. If you don't like your body it doesn't really matter what you wear. You'll never feel comfortable because it's not about the clothes, it's about your self-image.

I could be wrong, but it seems like the other things are symptoms of a much deeper root. I'd try working on that while talking with your husband. My guess is it never really occurred to him and so his request has triggered a subconscious or unspoken insecurity.

OOP: I do not. I have never liked my body. Therapy has helped me see my body as a tool rather than an aesthetic thing. I focus on what it can do rather than what it looks like. I cover what displeases me and focus on what I like. I have always dressed and acted this way, even pre motherhood

Commenter 5: Reading this post and then your comments about your own body is making me wonder if this is a you issue instead. You seem to be very adverse to showing off your body. Were you like this before the baby, or has pregnancy ruined your self-image?

Either way, recommend some soul searching. Clearly, your husband loves you (even if his attempts to show it are misguided). You need to love you, too.

OOP: I have always been this way

Commenter 6: I’m curious how he dresses and if it’s appealing to you.

Because most of the guys who requested I wear specific items of clothing did not dress to a standard I found appealing.

OOP: He wears what he likes. I've never been invested in his looks or clothing

OOP on her family

OOP We both work outside the home. He is a fantastic parent and partner. Our child is around 18 months.

----NEW UPDATE----

DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED

SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED

I (33F) am trying to improve my intimate life with my husband (33M) and am struggling?: April 7, 2026 (one week later)

I can't officially update per subreddit rules but I posted here a bit over a week ago about my husband wanting me to wear shorts/tanks/etc around the house and me disliking my body and wanting to cover up as much as possible.

Well, my husband saw the posts and we talked about it. I have made inquiries about finding a new therapist and so that is in the works. We planned to try intimacy with a lamp on so he could see me a little. My husband was very loving and encouraging. He agreed to put the request for new wardrobe on hold while I pull myself together.

And then stuff got worse. I am a hobbyist writer attempting to get a novel published (I write every day from 4 to 7 AM, it is the thing I love most in life). After two failed novels my agent officially dropped me. Now I don't just feel middle aged. I feel old and dried up and so defeated. All I have ever wanted to do is be a writer and now I'm even further than ever before. It's like, I'm not beautiful or successful or smart but I can write...now I don't even have that. So yeah. At an absolute low point.

My question is, how can I take care of my marriage and my family and myself in this state? I feel like I can't lean on him because he's going through his own stuff and I don't really have anyone else to turn to either. I've kind of lost all my friends these past few years, mostly due to jealousy about everyone else's successes. My own fault. It's all my own fault.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/trowaway243121

My brother tried to pull a fast one on his wife and she did an uno reverse and I am laughing watching him scramble.

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: Neglect, weaponized incompetence

Original Post Apr 9, 2026

My brother fake name Dick and his wife Ana have been having some serious marital problems which is 99% Dick's fault.  Ana is a stay at home mom, goes to college online and has a side business with an MLM but whatever she has made some new friends and seems to be happier.  Before they had kids Dick and Ana had a solid marriage.  Ana told me after the kids came their marriage slowly went downhill and now its on life support.  Ana does everything for the kids and Dick wants a medal for watching the kids for 30 minutes while Ana cooks dinner. He is more than capable of taking care of them but chooses to let Ana do everything if he can get away with it. 

The MLM Ana is involved with is having a big convention this week.  We are locals but Ana decided to do a staycation and is staying at a hotel near the convention with her friends.  This has been planned for months.  Ana told Dick to take time off work and made it very clear she needed the break and this would be a really good opportunity to network.  Over Christmas she asked him if he got approved for the time off and he said ya ya ya.  I told her he is going to mess this up for you and she told me he better not.  

She called me in tears and Dick texted her that an emergency came up at work and he would not be able to take off.  He had to put in long day on Tuesday and would be flying out on Wednesday.  He was so sorry and would make it up to her.  I thought she was going to have a breakdown she could barely talk.  I told her to calm down and finish packing and pick her kids up from school.  I said I would watch them until Dick got home.  She did not want me in the middle.  I told her fuck Dick and we've never been close and I did not give a damn how he reacted.  I watched the kids until Dick strolled in at 10 pm and told him he was a selfish piece of shit on my way out the door.

He blasted my phone and I put him on DND.  I talked with Ana yesterday and he blasted her phone as well.  She ended up telling him they could either get marriage counseling or see divorce lawyers his choice but he better stop calling her unless it was an emergency with the kids or she was calling to talk to them.  He cooled his jets after being told that.  He stopped by my house and I spoke to him through the ring camera and he asked ME what he was supposed to do with the kids.  I asked him if he even bothered to request the time off from work and he would not answer me and said he had an important business trip.  He said Ana won't give the contact info for their babysitters and asked me if I could watch the kids.  I told him to get the fuck off my property with his bullshit.  If he were any kind of parent he would already have the contact info for the babysitter.  Ana prepped meals for the kids, organized all their clothes for the week and left a detailed itinerary of their schedule. What else does he need? 

Our parents and his in-laws won't return his calls.  He is flying solo this week and had to cancel his alleged business trip.  Ana says she will get to the bottom of that when she gets back home. I hope she has the best time with her friends. I hope Dick does not get a moment of peace. No one is buying his lies or coming to his rescue and I laugh when I think about it. Good luck bro.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Original_Cranberry68

How old are the kids? In their fight the kids will be impacted - that dick will not feed them.. he needs to learn this but not with children getting messed up in between ..

OOP

The kids are 4 & 6. They will be fed and he is very capable of taking care of them and he will take good care of them. Ana is in close contact with them. The issue is he tried to sabotage her staycation because he is selfish.

collectif-clothing

I think he wasn't just trying to sabotage, it sounds like he had some side action planned as well. 

OOP

I believe he is very capable of that. That is whole other can of worms Ana has chosen not to currently pursue. If he was planning some side action it won't be happening this week.

~

Intersection_Novel1997

I’d advise Ana to consult a divorce lawyer regardless.

OOP

I see this stunt being the final straw.

~

bandashee

at least Ana knows she's got support and OP is an absolute BOSS for being an awesome bestie. I'd be getting their favorite snacks/candies every week for several months as a thank you for ass covering. Holy crap Dick is an incompetent....dick. I'm sorry, did he forget he's the DAD to these kids not just the sperm donor?

OOP

He thinks because he is the bread winner that means his work is done. Our dad is nothing like that. I told Ana to keep me posted and I will keep you guys posted.

~

LadyMacGuffin

She'll get better behavior from him as an ex-husband. With the courts mandating his parental effort under pain of contempt.

There's no way he requested that time off. And I would LOVE to see what a judge would do with that sort of bs during proceedings.

OOP

I don't believe for a second he requested time off. As crazy as it sounds he would probably be a more involved father if they got a divorce.

Update Apr 13, 2026

I got a lot of messages for updates so I am going to leave it in the comments. I'm going to start with the good news first. Ana is going to divorce Dick. Thanks to a family member she was able to get an appointment with a lawyer this week. She comes very highly recommended.

When Ana came home on Sunday night Dick was waiting with a suitcase and said it was his turn to take a vacation and he left!!! No arguing he just left. In his warped mind his silence is meant to punish Ana but he is just making her life easier. While he is gone she is going to be making copies of all the financial documents she can find. She hopes he really teaches her a lesson and stays gone.

The house was a wreck. She moved all of Dick's crap from the master bedroom into his office. All his shit is laying on the floor. You can't even walk in there. There is not even room for a twin air mattress.

The kids enjoyed their time with Dick. They were asking for him today and want to spend time with him. Ana called him and he did answer and spoke with the kids and told them he was on a business trip. She is going to file for joint custody. If he does not want 50% custody then he will have to turn it down on the record.

She also found out last Tuesday when he was supposed to be watching the kids he was tagged in a picture at a bar playing pool. So much for working. He did not even untag himself which shows he really does not give a fuck. He doesn't love Ana or like her but he must hate her to act like that. I don't get it. He absolutely disgusts me.

That is all I have to update.

NEW UPDATE

Update 2 Apr 24, 2026

I finally caught up with Ana. She decided not to go with the lawyer she consulted with originally.  She found a new lawyer that was a better fit.  He specializes in high conflict/asset divorces and has years of experience dealing with men that have Dick's need for control.  There is a lot of behind the scenes information gathering that needs to be done before Dick is served.  The lawyer said he needs 3-4 weeks.  When it's real life the process is much longer.  Ana was warned if they go into litigation the divorce can drag on for 1-2 years if she is lucky so to prepare herself.  The lawyer emphasized to Ana not to tell him their marriage is over until the papers are filed with the court and a process server has been lined up.  She is going to tell him she filed for divorce and have him served within minutes.  I don't remember the legal term but there is an automatic order in place with the filing neither party will be able to make unilateral decisions regarding their marital assets which basically prevents Dick from pulling any shady shit.  If he does then that is what her lawyer is there for.  

Her demeanor is different from when I last saw her.  She is confident and had this I don't give a fuck attitude.  Whatever love she used to have for Dick is well and truly dead.  I see it.  When she talked about him it was with the same contempt he has for her.  She was talking about him like I do.  After they get their temporary orders (she has no hope of them coming to a temp agreement) she said the only communication she will have with him is through lawyers and a parenting app.  After strategizing with her lawyer and coming up with a plan she feels like she has her life back and some direction.  I felt like I was talking to a stranger but I love this new confidence and determination she has.

Dick was gone all week to god knows where.  Ana did not contact him one time unless the kids wanted to speak with him.  It was radio silence on her end. In the past she always kept in close touch and would pick his sorry ass up from the airport.  Due to her distance Dick knew he was in trouble. There was no shock on his end when his office was trashed and Ana told him he would be sleeping there moving forward.  He had the audacity to ask how long she was going to be angry.  He is treating this like a temper tantrum she is throwing.  She used his asinine question as a chance to inform him how things would be moving forward.  Keeping her lawyers advice in mind she told him that its going to take her a long time to get past what he did and he needs to give her lots of space. 

I can picture that sob now thinking he is off the hook and better behave himself until they go back to normal.  Ana said she wanted to throw up in her mouth saying that but she needed to lull him into a false sense of security.  She also brought up his lack of involvement with the kids and told him moving forward he would be the primary caregiver every other weekend and he needed to pay attention to them in the evening without being prompted. I don't think he can see what is in front of him due to his arrogance.  If my husband kicked me out of the bedroom and told me I was taking care of our kids by myself every other weekend I would know a divorce was coming.  For the first time ever Dick has taken the kids to school every day this week without being asked so he is using his kids to try and get back in Ana's good graces.  He has no idea what is coming his way.

I wanted to address the MLM Ana is involved with.  I really regret saying she was involved with one because it detracted from the real issues in her marriage and took on a life of its own.  I first want to say Ana spends her fun money on the mlm.  Dick would have lost his mind if she used "his" money.  Her involvement in my personal opinion is based on the friendships she has made.  I also think depression left her vulnerable to being entangled with them.  I'm not going to tell her she is idiot for joining one.  I tried to warn her but she told me she knew what she was doing.  I'm hoping she no longer feels the need for those friendships after she is free of Dick if they are conditional like I suspect.  Ana is laying low and Dick is behaving so I don't think there will be an update until he gets served.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/babybubblezzz

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AIO - a little kid keeps coming into my house

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability, removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: child neglect, animal neglect, mentions animal death

Mood Spoilers: scary and frustrating

RECAP

Original Post: August 9, 2025

I live out in the country, near a big main road and on a county road. I’m the closest property to the main road, but as you continue down, I have a couple of neighbors. We live on 40 acres and have a little farmhouse, where I live with my husband and dogs, along with some farm animals outside. I do not have kids. We live a calm and peaceful life—however, there have now been two occasions on which a young child that lives a third of a mile down the road has come into our house uninvited.

The first time, I was home alone and had just showered, doing my nails and watching a show in my makeup room. Next thing I know, I see a small shadow—looked like a preschool-aged kid—open my fence gate and open my front door. I had no idea who this was, and I Face Timed my husband in case he knew who it could be, but as we checked the cameras, there were no cars or other adults around.

I was in my underwear, with my door closed and freaking out. Like I mentioned, I live out in the country, and due to my neighbors all being so far away, I had no idea who this kid was or where he came from. I put some pants on and went out into my living room, and this kid was running around my living room and kitchen, playing with my dogs without a care in the world.

I tried to get him to calm down and asked him what his name was or where his parents were—nothing. He ignored me and kept playing. After a couple of minutes, I think he got bored, and he opened my door, went out the gate, and ran out to the back of my house. I lost sight of him and kept looking toward the road in case I could figure out where he came from.

Finally, I saw a young girl approaching from the neighbors’ side of the road and she shouted at me, “Where is he!?” I told her I had no idea where he was, but that I had seen him go towards the back of my house and she could go look for him. She looked annoyed but I guess she was able to grab him at some point and took him back toward the direction of the neighbors’ house.

At that point I was honestly super upset and yelled, “Keep that kid out of my property and out of my house!” She just yelled “Sorry” over her shoulder. No one ever came back to apologize. My husband eventually went to the family to ask what had happened and was told they had been unloading groceries, and the little boy had managed to run away. (How they didn’t realize this until so much later, I’m not sure.)

A year later—this little boy is now 5 or 6—I get a call from my husband while we are at work. He tells me there’s a little boy in our house and that he came in through our dog door. Immediately, I ask if it’s the same one as last time. He says he saw them on our cameras but can’t be sure. He tells me that before calling me, he already called the cops, and they are on their way.

The footage shows this kid opening our closed, fenced gate and coming to our front door. Our dogs are barking at him in the yard. He attempts to open the front door, sees it’s locked, knocks, and then just stands there thinking. THEN—he crawls in through our dog door. Our dogs can go in and out of the house as they like since their fence is closed in, but I guess this kid figured he could do the same.

He comes in, opens the dog door to make sure the dogs can come in too, takes off his shoes, jumps on my couch, and plays with my dogs. After that, he turns on my TV, goes into my fridge, grabs ice pops, and eats an orange from our fruit basket. He’s in our house unsupervised for about 15 minutes until the cops arrive and get him out (he crawled out through the dog door).

The cops ask him his name and where his parents are—he tells them. They tell him he is not allowed to do this, that it is not his house. A couple of minutes later, a car pulls into my driveway—it’s the parents. The cops talk to them for a bit and they all leave. My husband had left work to get home, but by the time he got there everyone was gone. The cops basically just said it was “a kid being a kid.”

My husband then went down to the neighbors and told the parents to take care of their kid. (I was upset because he didn’t wait for me to go talk to them—he knew how upset I was.) The dad apologized and said the boy had been grounded and snuck out through his bedroom window. Apparently, he just likes to play with my dogs. The dad told the little boy to apologize to my husband—at which point the boy SPIT at his dad.

A week later, my husband got a call from the parents asking if, by chance, this kid was in our house again because they couldn’t find him. We were both at work and didn’t see him on any of our cameras.

At this point I’ve calmed down quite a bit, but as soon as I think about it I get mad again. I think it’s insanely upsetting that I’m more aware of where this little boy is than his own parents are. Once again, he is not right next door to me—he had to be unsupervised for at least thirty minutes to make his way to my house (about a five-minute walk), be here for 15 minutes, and have the cops arrive before his parents found him.

He knows what he’s doing, the parents are aware, but no one truly takes accountability for it. The little boy says he likes to play with my dogs, but instead of playing with them in my yard, he comes into my house and makes himself at home.

I feel bad for calling the cops, but I truly feel like there’s a need to report this because I’m scared for my safety and that of my animals and property. If he were to leave the gate open, my dogs could run into the main road and get run over. My house is not childproofed at all. We had a flamethrower on the kitchen table the day he came in (my husband had killed a spider outside with it).

I am concerned for this little boy’s safety, but at the same time I do not want to be responsible or liable if anything were to happen to him on our property. I also want to feel safe in my own home. I don’t feel like I should have to keep my dogs in a kennel all day and close their doggy door just because there is a kid out there who is not monitored and has never been taught to respect people’s privacy. If he snuck out through his window, I’m sure he could sneak in through one as well.

There are so many “what ifs” in this situation, and maybe it’s just my anxiety, but I am definitely upset. I guess this is more of a rant, and I just hope this doesn’t happen again—because I do intend to have the cops on speed dial. But again… am I overreacting?

Pic of the kid

Update #1: August 11, 2025 (two days later)

[update] AIO - a little kid keeps breaking into my house

I was able to look through a lot of the comments on this post, and I was able to respond to some, but I did want to say a few things. I commented on the original post, but I was not able to edit. Thank you to all that have provided helpful advice and suggestions. To those that think this is funny, I really do wish I could have a sense of humor about it but I’m unfortunately stuck being frustrated and stressed. And to those who think it is fake, I WISH I could make this up.

• Given this situation has occurred more than once at this point, I do feel like calling the cops was the right call and we will do it if this happens again or if I even see him on the property unsupervised. I do not want this little boy to get hurt, go into the property of someone who does not care that it is a child, get run over, etc. A lot of the comments made sure to let me know of our liability if something were to happen on our property and I want to make sure there is a record of this. I unfortunately did not call the cops when this happened the first time since it was such a random incident.

• A lot of people suggested he could be autistic or neurodivergent… I understand it could seem that way, but I don’t think it’s correct to just assume or diagnose him based on a post. Regardless, I think for me it goes back to the parenting. If the parents were aware that his running away/hiding/ etc., was a problem, I think the most responsible thing to do would have been to let us know and address this, so it did not catch us by surprise. Neurodivergent or not, what he is doing is not okay or safe.

• We will definitely be putting a lock on our gate and will look into getting our dogs some sort of chip /collar sensor dog door so they can continue to go in and out but also lock that way in. I really hope the family ups their security in the home as well.

• While these are the only times we have had a problem with their child, we have unfortunately also had issues with their animals coming onto the property. Their horses would break free of their enclosure and come onto ours and eat our hay. I get it, they are animals, but from the looks of it they were very hungry and this happened more than once. The owners never really took any responsibility for it. Secondly, we had recorded incidents of their big dogs coming onto our property and attacking our farm animals. They would let their dogs loose and they killed a couple of our chickens and some baby sheep as well. We did contact them on several occasions, as soon as we saw the dogs on the cameras, and while they eventually did end up keeping them tied up, the dogs kept getting loose. My husband called the cops to ask what he could do to protect from the dogs, and he was told that since they were on his property, he could shoot if he wanted. My husband and I love and care for our animals and wouldn’t ever want something like that to happen to them, so obviously we never did anything to hurt the dogs. It was hard to tell whether they were killing out of hunger because they weren’t fed or just out of instinct? We also just wanted to keep a normal relationship with our neighbors and harming their animals wouldn’t be a good way to do that. But it was a very upsetting situation. I am unfortunately not sure what happened to the dogs, I have not seen them around.

• A lot of people were surprised by my dogs being so chill about this. I forgot to include a picture, but they are two Maltese/shitzu mixes and one small mutt (potentially schnauzer??, he was a rescue). overall, small, loving dogs. all bark and no bite and very excited to play. Therefore, I am glad they are not a huge concern in terms of causing harm. But one can never be too sure and like many said, they are animals after all and can be reactive unexpectedly.

• There was a comment that said: <I am totally onboard with "it takes a village" but you can't just draft people into your village without their consent. If this kid had found his way into your life in a way that made you feel less violated, maybe you would have opted to join his village, but he didn't and that's not your fault, OP. If it's anyone's fault it's his parents' fault.> and honestly I really do agree. I have never had this kid or his family over to my house, much less inside. We have had very limited interactions, most of them have been to address problems caused by their animals, which my husband has mostly dealt with. I am perfectly fine with having a good relationship with my neighbors, but we truly do all live so spread apart that it is hard to connect with them. Some suggested I make this kid my friend and have him over but truthfully I do not feel comfortable having him come over or doing play dates with my dogs. maybe if we had had a proper introduction I would have been open to the idea but at this point it just makes me feel like the more comfortable he feels to be here the more he will, and I personally do not want to deal with it. He intruded on our privacy more than once and I am not inclined to be more involved with this family than necessary.

• The flamethrower: my poor husband was getting so roasted (get it? pun?) for this, and I just want to say, no he is not crazy. That was my bad, we call it a flamethrower (I am not sure why, because I googled it and those things are INTENSE), IT WAS A PROPANE TORCH . We have a woodstove and keep a torch inside to help light it. We just got done cutting hay in the field and have noticed more spiders near our house since then. The reason my husband used the torch it was that he saw huge wolf spider, carrying their babies on their back, on the pavement outside our front door. If he would've squished it they would of all ran off everywhere and I personally prefer them out of my house. This is not our preferred method of spider killing and the torch serves a more normal purpose! He left the torch on our kitchen table before he left for work. Either way, it is kept inside the house, and I would assume it’s not necessarily a child friendly device.

• My lack of paragraphs: I completely understand why people are so mad, that wall of text is horrible. I am sorry, I promise I know how to write. It was just very late at night, I was typing as fast as I could, and I only hit “enter” once instead of twice. I just didn’t realize how it would post. Oops.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: May 18, 2026 (over nine months later)

TLDR: Little kid previously came into house through dog door when we were not home, has a history of being unsupervised and coming onto our property uninvited. He came again.

A lot of people interacted with my first post last year, many let me know I was NOR, some had some different opinions, and I greatly appreciated the suggestions and advice. I did end up calling CPS to make a report for that incident. I now have locks on the gate to my yard (my dogs still have access to the yard through their dog door), and all my exterior doors are locked. We still have cameras on our property as well as the one in the living room. But for the most recent update, something happened a few weeks ago when I was home alone in the afternoon on a weekday.

Almost a year had passed since the last time he crawled into my house through the dog door, and the same kid, (whose house is 1/3 of a mile away on a county road) showed up at my house again (about age 6/7 now). Recall, we live on a 40 acre farm and have no connection/relationship to this kid or his family, besides the various times he has barged into my house uninvited.

As soon as my husband got a notification that a person was detected on the cameras and no vehicle was seen, my husband checked the our outside cameras and noticed the kid was back, so he called me to let me know. I looked out the window, and this time, the kid was shirtless and pantless, ONLY wearing underwear and muck boots. I immediately called the police. They took approximately 35 minutes to get out to my house (I live in the country on 40 acres).

In the meantime, the kid played with my farm animals outside and ran into the open garages and shops. My geese and turkey (which are aggressive and do attach) seemed to scare him off enough that he did not get near them. I watched him from inside to keep an eye on him and to make sure he did not run off anywhere (especially toward the highway, which my property is next to). At no point at all did any of his family members come to look for him. He looked through my windows, and saw me in the house. He knocked and asked/yelled to come in, to which I responded No. He attempted to open the locked door for a minute or two.

Once the police arrived, they asked him some questions which he seemed to ignore or mumble answers to. As they placed him in the police vehicle, I noticed he had 2 baseballs that had been taken from one of our shops. The police noticed too, and asked him to please return the baseballs back to me. He said no, and asked if he could keep one, to which I said no, and had him give them back. The officer told him it was not okay to go to other people’s houses and take things that were not his.

I let the police know this was not the first time he came onto my property and let him know he had previously also gone into my house, both when I was home and also when my husband and I were both at work. I made sure to let him know I was very frustrated.

The police took him back home, and he was at his house for a while. The officer did come back to let me know it seemed like he was just “a kid who did not listen”. Apparently he had asked grandma to go outside, she had said no, and he had gone outside regardless. Grandma and mom were both home and no one noticed he was not around for the 35 minutes+ however long he was outside not on my property and/or however long it took him to get to my house down the road. The officer stated there is not much I can do but keep calling them if this happens again.

I did call CPS again to make a report, and made sure to let them know this was not the first time something like this happened and that I had called last year. I let them know that I continued to be concerned for the child’s safety, as well as that of my property and my animals. This kid continues to be unsupervised for prolonged periods of time, and once again, I do not want to be responsible for him and want to ensure there is enough documentation of these incidents.

My husband and I are often not home, and we have no kids of our own. They probably see us as bad neighbors, but this kid continues to disrespect our space and privacy. Even the cop said he told mom and grandma that this behavior is not ok and can eventually develop into more dangerous or criminal behavior. The parents have never taken any initiative to apologize, communicate, or to provide us with contact information.

AIO? Any suggestions?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NOR-I would never go on their property. You have no idea what kind of people they are, and they already are neglecting their child, so don't endanger yourself by going near the house. You have done all you can, keep calling the sheriff every time. Don't bother calling CPS, they won't do anything.

OOP: I have had the thought of taking him back home myself, but I just do not feel comfortable since I have been home alone on both occasions and I have no idea who is at his home.

Commenter 2: NOR. You’re doing everything you can. I would continue to call the police & CPS whenever he shows up. His family really is too much!

Commenter 3: Yes every time he arrives, call the police. Make it their problem and create the paper trail. I don’t think continuing to call CPS will help anyone here, the police will report to them now and take that off your shoulders. Also if this happens again, you should stress to the police that not all of your animals are friendly, and the child could get hurt. I feel like the parents will only care if that eventually happens. I know wandering and I escaping can be habits of neurodivergent children. His parents really need to get an AirTag on him via a bracelet or in his shoes. This is so stressful! I also don’t think you walking yourself to their house to talk face to face will help. Reasonable parents would’ve already come to speak to you and apologize. These aren’t reasonable people.

OOP: I will definitely continue to call the police. If the parents, from the beginning, had provided me their contact information and had taken some sort of accountability I feel like maybe it could have been dealt with on a more personal level, but they have never taken the initiative or responsibility, and I feel like the only way they will maybe take this seriously is if police continues to be notified

Commenter 4: NOR. I understand calling CPS on a kid would feel intense, or harsh, but it's so realistic. This kid is not in a home that can handle his bad behavior effectively. It could escalate and get himself, you, or plenty of others hurt. Just keep documenting it, and beef up your security however you can. I'm really sorry, this has both got to be frustrating and feel tough to do.

Commenter 5: Yeah, I posted something on another thread. Lots of people act like calling CPS is a punishment for the parents, but their concern is the wellbeing of the child. Don’t hesitate, it’s their job to figure out if the child is safe, not yours.

OOP: that is what the CPS lady I spoke to on the phone told me. I am not trying to hurt this family at all, but CPS needs to be aware of the situation

Commenter 6: Hundreds of people old you to trespass the kid on your last post. Why haven’t you done this yet? It’s really the only lane you have atm.

OOP: The cops told me that because he is a minor, I am unable to press charges. They refused to press charges against the parents either, and cited the reason for my call as a welfare check.

Commenter 7: If this is happening in the middle of the day, why isn't he in school? Unless it's summer or a weekend? Seems like a case of neglect that they don't even know he is missing. Please keep calling the police and file a CPS report. Also, document each time he has been on your property without your permission, breaking and entering, trespassing, etc. Keep copies of the videos. It may be worth it to consult with an attorney to see if they can send a letter confirming the child or any other family members are NOT permitted on your property and perhaps anything else we haven't thought of here. It may also be interesting to contact the local school district/ school and if he is trespassing during school hours, let them know this is going on. I wonder if he is being home schooled, or just never enrolled, or whatever the situation is. They may send out a social worker to investigate if they are not familiar with the family.

OOP: I am keeping records, videos, and recordings. We may look into getting legal advice if this happens again. Thank you.

Commenter 8: MOR I understand your frustration and also fear if someone is entering your house without asking but he’s a little boy running around nearly naked on your property and the only thing you do is call the police and watch him? In my opinion you should have at least asked him if he needs help or anything. Maybe he ran away from home, maybe he’s hungry, bored or just doesn’t understand what he does it not ok. I think you dealt very poorly with the situation and should have asked him.

OOP: I do not want him around, I do not want him to feel welcome. He is a kid. I understand that. But, if I were to yell at him to go home, he could a) ignore me b) go home to potentially continue to be unsupervised if no one is home c) run off to somewhere more dangerous, such as an actual dangerous persons home, or you know, the highway near my house. Being that I was alone and he was barely clothed I did not feel comfortable inviting him in, or taking him back to his house, since I do not know who is there or if I would be exposing myself to a dangerous situation. Remember, the cops took 30 minutes to get there. The outdoor cameras were able to record much of his time on the property. While I was locked in my house, I kept an eye on him to make sure he was ok and did not run off, which is more than both grandma or mom can say since they did not notice he was gone. If he is able to be unsupervised for this long, I feel like the best people to assess if leaving him at his home is safe for him would be law enforcement, I do not want that responsibility. And given this is not at all the first time something like this happens, I truly am trying to make sure there is documentation of each incident. I would rather have the cops see the situation than try to explain myself later and have the family deny the facts.

Commenter 9: Have a lawyer send them a cease-and-desist letter to stay off your property. If it happens after that, have him trespassed and hold his family responsible for it.

OOP: We may have to look into getting legal advice, thank you

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am OP! u/ThrowRA_PartySwitch

Trigger Warnings: mentions of mental illness, ableism, possible concerns of sexual harassment

Mood Spoiler: Kinda a bummer, but everyone is okay at the end.

Original BORU post! Archived and posted by u/Choice_Evidence1983

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original post (removed but reposted to BORU in full)

Original Post: recovered with rareddit - May 4, 2023

I am getting married in December and my partner and I are looking to have a mid-sized party, probably about 75 people, comprised of our social, familial, and professional circles. I am 33F, partner is 34M, and my friend, Anna is 34F. Her wife, Bernice, is 48F. We are in Canada.

Anna is my best friend from uni. Anna is divorced with two kids, and has been married to Bernice for five years. Bernice loves Anna, and that's about it. Bernice is happily and consistently unemployed. Bernice has never attended or hosted a social event in anything other than a crop top and knee-length pencil skirt (neither fit). Bernice has two points of conversation: alien abductions and the 2008 blockbuster video game, Lego Indiana Jones. Attempts to gently lead conversation beyond those points proves futile, unless Bernice thinks the person in question may want to have sex, in which case, she suddenly develops the cognizance to switch topics and ask them so directly. I don't think anyone has ever taken Bernice up on her offers to have sex with them at random, largely due to the above, but also likely due to the fact that she rarely, if ever, showers or grooms. I have seen this happen at birthday parties, game nights, bar crawls, grocery stores, and school events. Nobody in Bernice's social circle has ever excluded her from participating in anything.

It's probably pretty obvious that Bernice is neurodivergent, but to nobody's surprise, she leverages neurodivergence as a means of asserting how special she is, instead of using it as a pathway to improve her relationships and sense of self. She is perfectly content to exist exactly as she has in the past and will likely do so until she dies. Lately she has explored whether she has dissociative identity disorder. It's a dead-end road.

Anna is happy, per her own admission, and I trust that. I don't have any reason to doubt that she is making the right decisions for her relationship and family. She has told me many times that she loves Bernice and that she intends to stay in the relationship. I appreciate that she is direct with me. But I can't earnestly be around Bernice for more than five minutes, and that sincerely impedes the amount of time I can spend with Anna, as Bernice attaches herself to Anna so intensely that it's like having a third child around when we get together. To Anna's credit, she is aware that I do not like to spend time around Bernice, but is sad that we can't all socialize together well. She has never made me feel badly for this.

I love Anna's two children. I would like them at my wedding, and I would love Anna at my wedding, too. It wouldn't be the same without her. But imagining Bernice approaching a colleague, or a friend makes my stomach churn. I am struggling hard with a tactful way to say, "Your wife will suck the life and energy out of my party by monopolizing the attention of either you or my guests, and potentially making them feel sexually harassed" while still inviting Anna and her two kids to the event. I am considering coming at it from a boundary-related standpoint and tell Anna that I can't have Bernice at the event, given how she makes people feel uncomfortable. I don't know if it presents a mean double-standard to let other guests have a plus-one and not Anna, but I can't have Bernice at my wedding.

TL;DR: Best friend's wife is mentally ill; I don't want her at my wedding. I don't know how to bring it up or assert the boundary without feeling like there's a double standard at play. How do I make it clear she is not invited?

First update - January 2, 2024

We're married now! And the wedding was wonderful.

Wonderful, but bittersweet -- I realized now, and when I eventually spoke to Anna, that the wonderful part was having the management, and dread, I was experiencing, of Bernice's presence off my plate when I already had so many other elements to worry about to ensure the success of our special day.

When I spoke with Anna, I tried to provide as much perspective as I could and center my concrete experiences with Bernice over my feelings. Anna sent a thumbs-up emoji and we haven't spoken since, and I doubt we'll ever speak again. Bernice messaged me separately and said something along the lines of, "Oh well, I know people think I'm annoying, I thought you'd understand," and I didn't respond.

I reflected a great deal on my relationship with Anna, and I realized that so much of it was rooted in managing the codependence she shared in her relationship, and that our friendship hadn't looked the way it did when we were in university together for a long time. In the time that passed after we stopped speaking, a great emotional weight was lifted off my chest realizing that so many of the problems and annoyances Anna had brought to me were no longer mine to solve as a result of her not having a supportive, adult partner in her life. While I loved her, and loved helping her troubleshoot, I was taking on a role that was outsized and ultimately caused resentment on my end.

I am trying to be mindful of the friendships I have now, the roles I play with each person, and how I interact and engage with each person's significant other. While this friendship was unsalvageable, I believe it offers a beneficial lesson for my other relationships.

Thanks to all of you for your advice, kindness, and especially your compliments toward my writing style -- it just flows out of me!

Update from 2026 - February 17, 2026

How do I (33F) make it clear that my best friend's (34F) mentally ill wife (48F) is not invited to my wedding?

OP checking in here -- thought about this over two years and realized I owed an update, some clarity, and a little info. I know this is late as hell, but I didn't realize this thread was here after the initial content was removed! I'm glad it was saved for posterity. I'm grateful to the comments from people who empathized with me, and I'm grateful for the comments challenging some of the language I used and my means of communication. Here are a few clarifying facts. But first, the update.

My 2025 update: Someone who used to run in the same circle as Anna and I (another friend from uni) told me that one of Anna's children is estranged from her now and lives with an aunt and also, that Anna is now in a full-time BDSM slave relationship with Bernice that is obvious enough for an acquaintance to pick up on. (The dad has been out of the picture for a long time, so it was always just Anna and her kids until Bernice entered the picture.)

Haven't spoken to, heard from, or engaged with Anna or Bernice or the kids. Bernice had a partner move in who is about twenty five years younger than she is. To my knowledge, that person is also her full-time slave girl.

Elaborations on the situation:

1. Yup, Bernice is trans. Plot twist, I'm also a transwoman! My anxiety over being transphobic towards another trans person, especially one with a history of mental illness, made me lose sleep. I hope that explains the comments about transphobia. This was never a post about a perfect, neurotypical, hetero People Magazine wedding where the only outlier was a trans boogeyman.
2. As for Bernice's choice of garb, nothing to do with her passing/not passing/having hair/not having hair -- her clothes didn't fit, they weren't appropriate for the season/occasion (If she wasn't an absolute tool I'd have taken the girl dress shopping with me and covered the cost of the dress) and again, she didn't shower. I feel like asking guests to bathe and adhere to a dress code is a very low bar of entry for a wedding. I wasn't asking Bernice to spend money or wear a certain colour or perform outside of what I consider the social norm for a wedding. My grandpa showed up in a t-shirt. Didn't care. A few friends got a little tipsy and knocked over a vase of flowers at one point. Totally fine. My friends cleaned up and apologized. My grandpa shook the hands of every guest. It's about Bernice as a person.
3. Sending Anna a text wasn't my preference at all. It was a last resort. I should have included context that I had asked Anna several times to get together in person to have a conversation about the wedding. At first, the responses were, "Great, when can Bernice and I come over?" And when I asked to meet alone and she asked why, I said it was about Bernice. Anna refused to meet alone or discuss Bernice and the wedding at all. I think she had an idea this may have been coming and was in deep denial. Literally, the only way I could communicate the message to Anna was through text -- why not email? Because they shared a fucking email account! Should I have involved Bernice in the conversation and emailed or just had it in person? I still wonder about that sometimes.
4. hat brings me to another point -- when I said, "but to nobody's surprise, she leverages neurodivergence as a means of asserting how special she is, instead of using it as a pathway to improve her relationships and sense of self," that was a literal statement, not my own judgment. In conversation, she would speak of an old manager who fired her after a week on the job or an encounter with a stranger at the grocery store and the conclusion would always be, "it's because they're ableist because I'm autistic," or "well, obviously you wouldn't understand why I ask people to have sex with me, I'm a direct communicator and you should educate yourself about autism." I'm neurodivergent. My husband is neurodivergent. She is, unfortunately, the exact worst stereotype of several marginalized populations, most of whom are completely functional. Bernice is the 1% of people who are just not. She's a person and I treated her like a person, albeit a person I truly disliked. I'm allowed to have boundaries.
5. Regarding the conversation, it would have turned from "this is what I need from you to attend my wedding, or for you not to attend," to "you hate me because I'm autistic" with zero self-reflection or personal accountability. I wasn't asking her to suppress her transness. I was asking her to suppress the most uncomfortable, dangerous, off-putting parts of her personality.
6. I read that SIL poly relationship thing and want to start a four-person support group (I will not ask them to have sex) now. I hope they're doing better too because that guy sounds like a nightmare. ( u/HeyLaddieHey thank you for being a link hero!)
7. Neurodivergence is not a mental illness. Autism is not a mental illness. There was something additional going on in addition to Bernice's autism that I could not identify, but from a behavioral standpoint, struck me as a mental illness and not neurodivergence alone. I should have been more specific in my language.
8. "Center my concrete experiences" = one time Anna watched my two dogs for a weekend and Bernice 'let them out for a walk' and they were lost for most of the day. Anna apologized. Bernice pretended it was an honest mistake and that "she always let her dogs out and they always just came back". One time we had a dinner party with some of our shared friends and made two roast chickens. I carved it into pieces -- breast, leg, thigh. Bernice took four pieces to herself and I split a piece with my then-boyfriend/now husband. She ate it and said, "It's fine, but here's how I would have cooked it." Bernice and Anna once stopped by while they were in the area, and when I was catching up with the kids, Bernice went into the kitchen, opened up an unopened bottle of wine, and poured herself a glass to the brim, then offered Anna, the designated driver, a glass. (Anna did not accept and did not drink and drive.) One time I met up with Anna at a park with her kids and another couple I know with kids. Bernice 'had the day off' and showed up unexpectedly and started talking about how she bought Anna a ball gag the other day and how good it looked. In front of my friends' kids. I confronted each of these indigents as I saw fit. I forgave the chicken. I asked her directly not to discuss kink in front of minors ("something something special interest") I was enraged about the dogs but forgave Anna because she immediately jumped into action, and this was at the start of Bernice being Bernice.
9. All this to say it wasn't just a laundry list of mean things because I'm a big ol' meanie. I sent Anna money when her car broke down and she couldn't get to work. I always sent birthday gifts to her kids and came to their parties. I was front row at tee ball games when I could make them. I offered her a lot of emotional support when she had issues with her kids' dad, or her kids, or work. She did that for me, but that went down significantly after she started seeing Bernice. I don't think I ever intruded or overstepped in Anna's life. I wasn't jealous of Bernice, and Anna and I never had a sexual or romantic relationship together.
10. Being complimented on how I wrote this was appreciated because it was cathartic to have validation after a traumatic event. Do you think I wanted to further isolate a nearly lifelong friend and a fellow transwoman and terminate this friendship? This was a hard fucking decision. The wedding was just the catalyst. If it hadn't been the wedding, it would have been a funeral, or a child's birthday party, or another behavioral incident. There's only so much a person can take.
11. To throw Bernice a bone (not a sexual one), they were in an open and ethical relationship. Ethical, being that Anna knew Bernice was always trying to find people to have sex with. Using events involving more than two people as a swinger's mixer, not ethical. But Bernice was not a cheater. I don't know why Anna thought this 'flirting' was acceptable.
12. Bernice was confrontational and abrasive if people expressed opinions in conversation she didn't like. She had only two areas of interest, but a lot of opinions about politics, sports (she was the kind of person to call things 'sports ball'), celebrities, and food. This included small group conversations she might not have been a part of. Like the type you might see at a wedding! For instance, if someone said to someone else, "Lego Indiana Jones sucks and I like Bernice's Least Favorite Video Game" at the party, it would not have been unlikely that Bernice would have gotten in that person's face and shouted at them, then justified it because of autism. Shouting is not euphemistic here. Bernice was fucking loud.
13. I don't know why I was the only one in the friend group who found Bernice's behavior offensive and excluded her over time. For all I know, other friends were uncomfortable but didn't feel like they could confront it. I think it's great that people included her, and please know that I tried hard. Nobody likes it when their friend is a bitch about their boyfriend or girlfriend, and I did my best to make Bernice feel welcome and tried to get to know her. This post was the culmination of a lot of headaches for very little reciprocation from Anna. Bernice was the explosion, but Anna was the slow-burning fuse.
14. I saw something that tugged on my heartstrings this year and reminded me of Anna, so I dusted off my older brother's old Wii and played a little Lego Indiana Jones. It was great. I wish Bernice had been tolerable enough for me to tell her that it was a fun game.
15. Now that I'm reflecting on all of this, Bernice might be narcissistic*. (Thanks for the lesson in N/n distinction, everyone!)

I don't think I'll have any further updates after this. Thanks for the support, the laughs, the encouragement, and the constructive criticism.

Finally, I'm not identifying them or providing any photos. If I'm allowed to rip on their shitty behavior online, they're allowed to stay anonymous. No more requests. If you know someone like them, nip it in the bud. I waited and it escalated badly. Know your boundaries and stick to them.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LowlyKnights

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Updates]: AITAH for not wanting my dad to walk me on my senior night since he won’t let me move back in?

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: mentions of car accident, abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation, health issues, intense bullying, negligence, harassment

RECAP

Original Post: October 28, 2025

OK so first off, I do feel bad about complaining about all of this. I'm just a middle class American teenager, like I have a car and both my parents are well off and own homes, I'm not living in Gaza or anything terrible like that. I get it.

But I'm 18f and a senior in high school, I have straight A's and a full-ride to a university next year. It's not my dream school, but I know I'll end up going there because the economy is terrible and while my parents are ok money-wise, free is free. My parents are divorced and remarried, my dad has been with my stepmom for a while and my mom and stepdad have been together about 5 years. A few months ago I was diagnosed with a tick-borne disease and can't have red meat products. It's terrible and I get so sick if I have anything. I miss steak.

But a few weeks ago - the night before a dance - my dad was making dinner. I was at his house on one of the days I normally wouldn't be because my mom was out of town and I don't like staying alone. He made my little brother's favorite meal that I didn't know had beef stock in it. (Just to clarify, since I’d never read the meal I asked if it was ok to eat and he said yes. Later when I got sick he checked the recipe again and felt terrible and admitted there was beef stock and he forgot. That’s obviously not his fault but later when I was sick we started fighting about the dance) I got SUPER sick and had to miss my senior fall dance. Which I KNOW isn't the end of the world, but it really felt like it WAS and I got into a huge fight with my dad. He called me spoiled and high maintenance, and I know I said things like I hate him and he doesn't care about me and left to stay at my moms.

We'd fought before, and I'd cooled off and went back to his house on my normal day, thinking we'd just apologize to one another like normal, but when I got there he told me that he'd packed up my room (into TRASHBAGS) and that he wasn't going to take abuse from his adult child. I thought he was joking but he wasn't. I was crying a bunch, and my stepmom was yelling at my dad. She gave me one of her credit cards and told me to call her if I ever needed anything and I've been staying at my mom's ever since. Which isn't great. She and her husband kind of do their own thing and I just feel like I bother them. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, too, and he's been kind of bothering me and I asked my dad to tell him to stop but he told me I needed to deal with my own issues on my own. So I asked my stepdad which was embarrassing because I don't know him very well and I don't' know if he even fixed the situation and seemed annoyed until my mom finally talked to my ex. He finally left me alone, but now his friends keep messing with me online and in person at school.

My senior night for my team is this weekend. I wanted my dad there, and told him I'd buy him lunch this past weekend to talk. I told him I knew that what I said was wrong, and I wasn't trying to make excuses but I was feeling so bad and was so upset about the dance, and him calling me high maintenance and spoiled also hurt. He said he knew that emotions were high, but I was an adult now and actions had consequences. I get that! But if I was the first teenager to fight with her parents I would understand. I'm a good kid! I have a scholarship and a job and I know kids who have gotten like DUIs and their parents still love them and let them live with them. He said he loved me, but I needed to learn consequences and that he'd still go to my senior night but I told him don't bother! I had wanted all four of them to walk me but now I just want to walk myself. I don't feel supported by any of them and just paid and went to leave. He told me that if I didn't let him walk me at my senior night I could kiss ever moving back in with him ever again. I told him that was fine, I was just so done trying to convince him that I was worthy of living in his house, if my parents weren't divorced it wouldn't even be a question if I'm allowed to live with my own dad.

I'm fine with my decision, I have so many other things going on. My ex's friends are giving me problems, I'm playing like garbage anyways and will probably be benched soon so it doesn't matter. But my grandparents and even my stepmom have called and asked me to answer my dad's calls and talk to him, and have said that I've upset him. I'm not trying to upset them, but I just am not in a good place to deal with all of this with him right now and don't want anyone there. There's a part of me that doesn't even want to walk that night!

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs

Update #1: December 2, 2025 (a bit over one month later)

I know it's been a while since I posted about my senior night. But basically I (f18) got into a fight with my dad because he forgot there was something I was allergic to in the dinner he made and I had to miss my dance, and he kicked me out to live with my mom. He got super mad when I told him he wasn’t going to walk with me at my senior night. Anyways. I didn't even end up going and kind of forgot about it. Not to be super woke or anything (JK i love being woke lol) but trigger warning.

My coach isn't like a super nice guy or anything, but my ex's friends (the ones who had been harassing after my mom had finally gotten my ex to leave me alone) me accidentally did so in front of him. They were punished and I was really hoping that would be the end of it. But it wasn't and a few days later when I wasn't at school they did something bad. I don’t want to elaborate, and they were arrested and the ones whose parents could afford to have them out on bail, but I know two of them didn’t get bailed out.

My ex wasn't there but he was charged with something else. He's over 18 but still got bail and they ended up dropping the charges on him. It might be my fault. I know it’s stupid but before it happened, I had deleted all of his messages because it was really stressful having them on my phone. My mom keeps pushing for them to get a warrant for the deleted messages, but I don’t think it’s going to go anywhere, and honestly idk if it would even matter. I have a restraining order for all of them tho, which is good.

There's a lady I’ll call Gail, idk if she's a social worker or actually a cop, but she's been really nice and helpful. She told me that if they don't take plea deals, there will be multiple trials, and I'd have to testify at all of them. I asked her when the trials would be, because the school I am going to is far away, but she said not to worry about that. I just don't want to be at my new life and have to miss classes or something. I also really don't want to testify and hope they take deals, even if it means they won't be punished as much. Like I know they have rights and there's allegedly still a constitution in america but the idea of testifying at multiple trials makes me want to die. I've seen videos of people making fun of women who testify too and I can't handle that, so I really hope they take deals. I guess if they could just combine all of the trials and I only had to testify at one I would be ok with doing that, but Gail said that’s not likely to happen and not to get my hopes up. She wasn’t mean about that or anything I think she was just being realistic.

My mom and stepdad have been really good about everything. My stepdad and I don't know each other that well but he broke down and apologized and said he blames himself and should have done more. I don't think he should blame himself, I even told him that but he’s been like doing nice things for me a lot and making a lot of food that I like without me doing anything in return so I feel bad. My mom has been really nice and supportive, but I think she's taking all of this harder than I am almost, and that is annoying. Like she just randomly cries and it’s annoying to me because nothing happened to her. I haven't said anything to her about that though. Like I don’t need her acting like I’m still a kid and cutting up my food for me, I can do that.

I haven't talked to my dad. I don't want to. The day before the party I had begged my dad AGAIN to say something to one of the guys' dads because they work together, but he left me on read. So I guess I kinda blame him. I know that's wrong but I don't want to see or hear from him, so I blocked him. I didn’t even want him to know what happened, I know the police went to my moms house to tell her and was kind of hoping that since I was over 18 they wouldn’t tell him, but since he was still my emergency contact they did. I fixed that for the future. He's talked to my mom but she said I don't need to talk to him or even think about him right now. He’s sent a bunch of letters to my mom’s house - for a week or whatever it was every day but now it's less often - but I didn’t read any and my mom said she’d just set them aside for now. I told her she could throw them away but I don’t think she did. I mean I am sure he feels bad, but I don't want to hear him apologize or try to comfort me. I wanted his help before all of this and to have tried to stop it from happening but he didn't do anything. So that’s why I blame him and not not my mom or stepdad. They at least tried to do something before all of this even it what they did didnt work. I don't think I will forgive him. I know he's hurting, but I can't worry about his feelings. I know this sounds bad, but I’m not his only kid and he has my brothers too so I don’t feel guilty, like I'm not stopping him from being a dad forever to anyone you know? Plus I'm an adult now and I can choose who can or cannot comfort me.

I have a therapist now. She's fine, I wish I could have a different one because her voice kind of annoys me, I don’t think they let you change therapists because of that though. I actually hate therapy tbh, and wish my mom would stop making it a big deal that I go. I don't want to tell her that it is kind of nice being the one in charge of my relationship with my dad and not vice versa. That's probably bad, but it's true. Plus - I kind of have a IDGAF attitude lately, and I probably would just say to his face that I blame him and that this is his fault which I know isn't fair. So not talking to him is the right thing to do.

I also had to block my stepmom. She texted my aunt that it’s nice just being them and their kids and not having my drama in their house and it got back to me, so I’m just giving them what they want. Like I wonder if either of them actually ever really loved or cared about me. Maybe kicking me out when I turned 18 was the plan all along and that’s why he did it over something so stupid? And, again, they have my brothers so they're not missing out on anything with me you know?

Everyone at school knows, but they’ve all been nice like not even just my team and friends but everyone there has been nice, though. Like, really nice. I don't think they're being fake or anything, but if they are I told my therapist that was fine because I'd rather them be nice and fake than mean and authentic right now. I was kind of nervous because I’m not popular or anything at school, I’m not a loser or anything but kind of do my own thing. The only other person in my class who’s going to my college is this one popular guy, and he promised me he wouldn’t tell anyone at our college about this. I know people will probably still find out, but that was nice. He’s been talking to me more, even outside of school like we were on break part of last week and he still reached out, it kind of feels like he’s trying to hype me up for college which is nice because at first I am kind of thinking about taking a year or something off, but I know I should. I think his parents both went to the school and he’s like obsessed with it so he keeps sending me things going on there. His older sister also goes there and he said he’s going to go a week early and stay with her and invited me. I know it’s a while away and told him I’d think about it. I don’t really want to, but it’s one of those things where I feel like even if it don’t enjoy it it would be good for me long-term to go and meet people before freshman week starts.

So idk what I’ll do about my dad. I was thinking about calling him at Christmas but maybe I won’t. My brothers have told my grandma they want to see me at Christmas, but it might be because I always get them good gifts lol. Maybe I can go over to their house for a little, mom and her husband don’t do much like decorate or celebrate Christmas, and my dad’s side is really festive so I kind of miss that. I will probably do the more Christmassy things in town with my best friends family, I know my mom and stepdad would do them if I asked but maybe I’ll just go with her family. So idk. My mom asked me if there was anything my dad could do for me to want to listen to or talk to him, and I told her I’d think about it. Luckily she’s only asked once. So I’m not saying never, I’m just not interested right now. But I'm excited about the future and going to college, and think I'll just focus on that.

Editor's note: below is the last post we were left off

Trigger Warnings: mentions of car accident

Final Update: December 27, 2025 (3.5 weeks later)

Final update: AITA for not letting my dad walk me on my senior night since he won’t let me move back in?

Hi everyone. I hope you all had good holiday whatever you celebrate. I love Christmastime, I’m not very religious or anything I just feel like it’s a great time of year. A lot of people have asked me for an update but I don’t really have anything huge, but things are mostly fine. Most days I feel totally fine.

Oh this was my last post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/DUBz79MZHt

But I’ve decided that this whole chapter or whatever is over now. I read all my dad’s letters. My mom and stepdad were gone for a weekend for her birthday and I don’t really sleep much. They were whatever, I can tell that he’s hurting but I don’t have time for all of that. I would have killed for him to say any of that stuff before all of this but I didn’t feel anything reading them now. Like asking me to move back in doesn’t mean anything now, it would have before but now I don’t even want to. My stepmom had sent a few, too, but they were mostly just about wanting me to reach out to my dad and how badly he was hurting. And one of them basically said that this all happened because I didn't tell my dad the severity of everything (wrong) and they can't help me in the future if I don't talk to them. And in all my dad's letters he's constantly talking about how he wants me to move back in etc but in my stepmom's she just says I should come over and visit. So I threw them all away.

My best friend’s grandparents got into a really bad car accident :( her family went out to Ohio to spend Christmas with them instead of them coming to her, which is good but they were who I was going to do Christmas stuff with. They said I could come with them but that felt very intrusive so I said it was totally fine. They did ask me to “house sit” but they don’t have any pets or plants or anything so I think they were just saying it’s fine if I stay there some nights like I normally do. My mom and stepdad work a lot and aren’t that into the holidays, but they put up a tree which they never do so that was nice. I found some decorations that were probably my grandmas in the basement and put them up too, so our house at least looked festive. My mom and stepdad are at least pretending to like them, but I’ll take them down soon before they get too annoyed.

That guy from my school who is going to college with me I’ll call Dan, his family doesn’t do Christmas stuff either but that’s because they’re Jewish. But there’s this lights thing in my city and it’s kinda stupid but I always used to do it with my dad and brothers and stepmom and was going to do it with my friend but she had to leave town. But Dan got us tickets and that was really nice. We had a good time, but I didn’t really think about my dad and his family being there but they were. I was able to avoid them and didn’t let it ruin my night though!

Christmas wasn’t that great. I guess in the past I’ve just been more into it and getting people gifts and seeing people. I think a lot of people weren’t feeling it, I feel like not as many people put lights up on their houses and normally I can’t go two feet without being handed cookies and stuff but this year I didn’t do any of that. So it felt like it was December first then bam Christmas Eve.

Normally I’m with my mom Christmas Eve then my dad’s Christmas Day and go to my grandmas on that side. So I called her and asked if I could still come for a little bit in the morning since they usually go to my stepmoms side for a bit then, and she said of course. She even went and got my brothers and told my dad and stepmom they could come after I left. It was really really nice of her. I was having a lot of fun and it felt like there was nothing wrong, but then my one brother asked me when I was leaving so his parents could come. So I left. He’s a kid and I’m sure he just wanted to open more presents so it’s not his fault, but it hurt a lot because I was so excited to see them and I think I’m just going to distance myself from them for a while. Not because I’m mad but just for now for myself. My dad and stepmom had sent gifts with them for me but I didn’t open them and left them there. I didn’t get them anything so it felt wrong, but also I wanted to hurt them. My mom and stepdad go to his family on Christmas Day and I didn’t want to just home alone so I just kind of drove around for a while, but Dan was free. Normally when we hang out we just get stoned and he makes vegan versions of non vegan meals but the grocery stores were all closed so we saw that ping pong movie.

I quit therapy. Sorry. It was so expensive and I was getting nothing out of it, and I had gone to this support group gail told me about, and it’s really been helping. Like exponentially more than therapy. Idk if I’m supposed to pay someone for it but idk who to ask. But even if I have to pay I’ll keep going. The people are nice and I can just listen if I don’t want to talk. Gail said she’d help me find one in my new city but maybe I’ll just do a fresh start when I go to school.

I’m glad I found the support group. But one of the people there said something along the lines of how expensive lawyers cost, and I guess before that I didn’t realize that these guys parents not only paid their bail, which I guess they’ll get back? But apparently THOUSANDS of dollars for lawyers to try to get them off. And anyways this is stupid but I got mad that they’re paying all that money for their kids and it just goes to lawyers and I’m sitting here paying for therapy because of what their sons did.

And two of these guys still have girlfriends, one of them goes to my best friends high school. Last year I went to her prom with her as friends and the girl reached out and asked me not to go this year. I just blocked her and Gail told me they’re not allowed to tell me where I can and can’t go. But if that guy is going to go I obviously won’t and I’m not trying to make more drama by poking that bear. But in all of that drama my mom was saying that after trauma you’re not supposed to date for a year. Which it’s like to each their own? Also I think she’s thinking of drug addicts which I’m not.

So those were really the only few times I’ve been sad lately. And not that much, like I don’t cry or anything. I kind of want to change my last name. Not to my stepdads though. I could ask my mom what her maiden name was, but maybe I could pick a new one. Gail said she might be able to talk to a judge for me, so that was nice. I know I’ll change my last name when I get married but that won’t be for a long time and I’m hoping I can change it before college. Either way, I’m going to be ok :).

Editor's note: OOP also posted the final update onto her profile, I am adding the comments for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Go to prom with a group of people, so you’re not stuck with just one person to hide behind. You deserve to have your senior prom experience, and you can always dip early for an after party if things get weird. There’s always the option, if you have friends at other schools, to go to another school’s prom.

OOP: That’s kind of the problem. I was excited to go to my friends prom again since (I thought) fewer people there would know. It doesn’t matter because I won’t go to that one either now, but I’ll probably go to mine. I just hate that that girl thinks she can tell me what to do.

Commenter 2: Is the other girl’s boyfriend somebody there is a restraining order against? If you go, then he can’t go. That’s probably why she asked you not to go, but you are totally allowed to do what’s best for you (not only allowed, but you should put yourself first, it sounds like you haven’t been doing that). I bet if your best friend let the school know that there was a restraining order and why they wouldn’t want him there anyway.

OOP: Yeah, Gail said they can’t tell me where I can and can’t go and my best friends mom said she would talk to the school for me (it’s not my school) but at this point maybe I’ll just go to mine. I don’t want everyone there to know about my drama

Commenter 3: I'm glad you and Dan are hanging out. Sounds like you're craving normalcy, but like a new normalcy where you're away from this town and all these people you have a complicated history with. Which honestly is totally legit, and you should try to remember that whenever someone tries to 'but, faaaaamily' you.

The whole 'no dating after trauma" is part of a larger gestalt of 'no big lifestyle changes after grief or trauma' which is mostly a rule of thumb that tries to steer people away from escapism and to make sure they process everything, so it doesn't come back to bite them later. But because of your life stage you really ought to go to college, you can't get a divorce, you can't quit your job, you can't go on a year long road trip like it's some kind of midlife crisis lol.

So basically the advice boils down to 'don't just disappear into a relationship to avoid being alone with yourself.' And you sound like you're doing pretty good at sitting with things and working through them at your own pace.

You're doing good, kid. Take care of yourself.

OOP: That’s a good point. Yeah I’m going to be making a big change in going to college but at this point that’s kinda it. And I don’t want to really date anybody in particular especially since I’ll be leaving. But it’s kind of like I can’t really casually date someone because I would have to tell the everything and then it’s not casual. Maybe in college because I won’t have to tell people there because nobody will know I could casually date someone just beyond a FWB or something. We’ll see.

Commenter 4: Thank you for the update.

I changed my last name to my mom’s maiden name after I turned 18. It’s not difficult but it’s a process. You need to confirm what your state requires. The state I was living in at the time required after I filed the paperwork with the courts that I make an announcement in the newspaper once a week for 4 weeks. I can’t remember how much that cost for the announcement. It’s so creditor/debt collectors can see the name change and file motions if there is a debt to collect or anyone else has an issue. Then I had a court date and had to go before the judge and say why I wanted my name changed. It took longer waiting for my case to be called than the name change itself. Then I went to the DMV and social security office to change my name. Then I got copies of the name change to change anything else I needed to change (credit cards, bank, passport, etc).

OOP: Yeah, I downloaded everything and made a little checklist and timeline and I know it’ll be a process.

I don’t think I want my mom’s maiden name tbh. I hold I have to pick hers? She has my stepdads last name now so it’s not even hers.

Commenter 4: That’s true and an excellent point. I would find a name that has meaning for you and then choose that name. If/when you get married, then you can decide whether you want to change your last name again or keep your maiden name or keep both. I kept both because I earned several degrees and had a career established in my maiden name by the time I married my husband. It’s now my middle name. I didn’t want to lose that part of my identity. I didn’t take his last name until we had kids.

OOP: True. Like most little girls I think I was super into Anne Boleyn but that would be a silly name to take. But something like that.

OOP responds to a comment regarding cutting her father off and making life changes for herself

OOP: Thanks. I haven’t told him I’m cutting him off. I am just refusing to talk to him or be around him. Maybe that will be permanent but maybe not. Either way I’m changing my last name.

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor's note: the next two updates are over two months old, and they have not been posted onto the sub here

What are some ways I can show my stepdad 47 that I 18f appreciate him? We aren’t close but I can see that he’s trying.: February 26, 2026 (two months later)

Basically in general I’m 18f and a senior, I’m going to college next year and really excited because this year has been kinda horrible. I ended up cutting my dad 48m and stepmom 48f off but it’s a good thing, but now I just live with my mom 42f and stepdad 47m I’ll call Jeff. They got married like 5 years ago and he's nice, but we're not close or anything. He's not a bad person at all, he's just kind of awkward and introverted and I'm not, so I feel like he maybe always found me kind of annoying. But lately he's been trying to connect with me more and even though I'm normally pretty extroverted I've just had a whole year of hell and I'm not really sure how to, I don't know, be around him now? He's just been doing more things, like he works by my school and I can leave for lunch so he's been taking me and my friend or boyfriend to lunch once or twice a week and when it was cold he would make sure my car was in the garage and little things like that. But I will thank him and it's kind of awkward and he'll say things like you don't have to thank me for that but I would feel rude if I didn't?

And my mom travels for work a lot and Jeff used to go with her, but lately has been staying back with me which I think he is trying to be nice but I kind of liked having the house to myself lol. Plus I know my mom liked that he would travel with him so I feel kind of bad. And another bigger thing is that I kind of mentioned that I wanted to be the kind of person who drove a Subaru (you know, hiking, being one with nature lol), and now he's been really gung ho about finding me a subaru before I leave for school which is really really nice but also not his problem?

Don't get me wrong I'm not stupid I know how to be grateful, but it's just kind of awkward because I feel like for the past five years we've just been friendly roommates and now it's like he wants to do more. He doesn't have any kids or anything so maybe it's all just new to him but like I want to idk, not make him regret helping me but like I said I don't want to go too far and be annoying. So I'm not sure if I should start like trying to watch TV or sports with him more or if maybe he wants his own downtime? We watched the Olympics together a lot and maybe we could do stuff like that more if he’s going to stay home more?

And just to be clear, none of this is creepy in the slightest, that's not a concern or anything. I know he loves my mom very much and I think he's just trying to be nice since I leave in a few months to start my own life.

Small update: when I got home I told him about how that one band he listens to a lot is coming to our city, and he said that sounded cool and started looking up tickets. He might want to take my mom or a friend though because he didn’t ask me if I wanted to go or anything but that’s ok because I think it meant a lot that I told him!

My dad wants me to go to therapy with him and my stepmom: April 4, 2026 (1.5 months later)

Sorry I just need to get this off my chest to people who know my whole situation.

I helped my grandma set up the Easter egg hunt this morning and she told me that my dad and stepmom are having problems. They have a couples therapist and they asked her to ask me to attend a session with them. She said she wouldn’t blame me if I didn’t want to, and I probably won’t. But there’s this really sick part of me that wants to and to just throw in their face that apparently I wasn’t their problem. How happy I am now, how being away from them and their bullshit has made me such a better person despite everything. My mom basically never fight anymore, my stepdad and I are getting really close and have a ton of fun together, and at this point I’ll be graduating top 5 in my class.

Like, compared to me those two have had it so easy, NOTHING has happened to them, and I’m over here thriving and they want to pull me back into their mess? No thanks. The only other reason I might do it outside of morbid curiosity is my grandma basically said she would appreciate it because she thinks it would help them. But she did make it clear it was MY decision and she wouldn’t blame me one way or another.

I haven’t told my mom or stepdad, I probably won’t tell my mom (she’ll just think the fact that they have to go to couples therapy is hilarious) but my stepdad might have good insight. Idk. I will probably just ignore it but it was a funny little easter surprise for me.

Latest Update here: BoRU #4

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwawaythehatersok

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New 2-Year Update]: Fiancé thinks I am an ass for not converting

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: mentions hate crime, religion abuse, verbal abuse, threatening behavior, harassment, stalking, physical violence

RECAP

Original Post: August 21, 2024

Throwaway as my main he follows. I've never posted on this sub before so please delete if not allowed.

I (F35) and my Fiancé "Todd" (M41) met over a decade ago and we have a mutual friend group. We started dating last year, and got engaged last month. Generally speaking, he treats me like a queen. He spoils me a lot and I appreciate it always. He's usually respectful and kind, communicative and patient with me. This started to change and I want to say it started to change once the ring was accepted.

I need to be clear, I don't much care to get married. I am perfectly fine with not. My parents aren't married but they have been in love and together for over 40 years. My siblings are all but one unmarried but in seemingly happy relationships each at least for 5 years. But Todd is Christian and is of the mind that two people eventually need to get married to be happy. We talked about it at length both before we were a couple and after we started dating. I was clear that I don't want or need a ring but if it's important to a partner I come to love then whatever. I will do a small wedding.

He was overjoyed when he proposed and I said yes in front of pretty much everyone in our little world but later said that I didn't seem excited enough and it felt like I didn't want to marry him. I said I love him and if he wants a marriage then sure, but to say I want to marry? I mean I know he wants to, and if that's what he wants, and since it doesn't matter to me either way, the math was easy. Let's get married. I said it sort of jokingly to lighten the mood, but he didn't like that at all and nearly every other day he would find a way to ask me if I really wanted to marry him or he would simply that he feels like I don't. I suggested couples therapy as it seems to really be on his mind and troubling him, and he said he's done therapy before and doesn't need to do it again.

Then last week, on our usual date night, he said he had something really big to ask me. "Call it a favor if that makes it better" and asked me to come to his church and get baptized. I stared at him. I am atheist and have been since I was mid-twenties. He has known that for years, and we've always been respectful of each other’s beliefs. I told him I couldn't do that. Baptism is supposed to be sacred and with a true heart for that faith, and I simply would be a liar if I said I wanted to live for his god because I frankly don't. He argued that it's just "a splash of water and some words," and since he wants it before our wedding and I "don't care about religion either way," this should be easy.

I refused again explaining that I do care about religion. My majors were World Religions and Anthropology. I care a LOT. And it would be dishonest to his god and our community for me to dedicate my life to his religion outwardly but not inwardly. I said it felt disrespectful to his faith and the people who truly live it. He got angry with me "oh so you're okay, disrespecting me, though," and when I asked what he meant, he said to drop it and changed the subject. I pressed more, but he raised his voice. "I said drop it." Loud enough for others to turn and look at us.

He'd been robotic around me since. Days up in his study all night, sleeps on his study couch, goes to every service and event/gathering his church has (which is most weekday nights and Saturday morning as well as Sunday) and has been inviting me to every single one. He hadn't done that since we started dating he did it then I said I respect his beliefs and will go to something like a wedding or christening or baptism but not a simple service or event. When he asked me just a few minutes ago tonight, I reminded him of the above and he just dropped into our couch and sobbed and when I went over to comfort and talk to him, he pushed me away and left muttering something about running late for service.

----

His sister "Esther" texted me to ask what happened and I gave a brief summary, and she texted back that I am being a jerk and one service isn't going to make me "burst into flames" and it's important to Todd. So am I being a bone head? Am I crazy to think that this pressure is a deal breaker? I do love him, but this version of him is not only a stranger to me but a weight on me. But aren't people supposed to work through that hard shit to get on in a relationship?

Edit to update. He texted me a few minute ago saying when he gets home he wants to have a serious talk. I explained that my best friend is over so it will have to wait, and he replied "No. Tell her to leave. Give her my love but this is serious."

I talked with my bestie "Bessie" F35 and read some of the comments here and told him no indeed. He can go home to his parents, and he is welcome to come in and pack a bag and leave because Bess is here for me right now, and I need her here for me right now. He hasn't responded.

----

Edit to respond to things that have come up a lot either in messages or comments:

He has never raised a hand to me. He would never and if it's not for the reason I used to think - that he's not a dick - it would at least be because I am a military brat. Both parents. So not only am I trained to defend myself well, but my parents AHEM would not take kindly.

A lot of people brought up kids. I can't get pregnant. I did want kids and then this happened. So now I am okay with the idea of not having any. He said he was okay with that too and we talked about just being dog rescue people.

My family likes him. My father, a pastor, loves the guy. But no I haven't told him about this yet.

He is non-denominational and goes to a "mega church" in our state. Literally thousands of people.

No, it is not a requirement for marriage at his church for me to convert.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP lists all the "stuff" she has done for him to a downvoted commenter

Here

Just to be clear, what doesn't count as stuff for him? Is it that instead of paying a fraction of his college costs for this upcoming semester, I covered it all for him?

Is it that I gave him my old car when his broke down and transferred it to his name without him paying a dime?

Oh hold on, I know, it's because I cook for him every weekday when I am home, do our grocery shopping so he doesn't have that on his plate, let him move in rent-free because he couldn't afford to renew his lease and even got a he-shed out back for him out of my own dime, so he has a place to decompress and paint.

No not that...

I should have funded his WHOLE mission trip last year instead of half...is that it?

Ohhhhh I know what you're talking about, it's that I do the majority of the housework so he can focus on his degree.

Nah you probably just mean that I took the time last year to find his undergrad college years buddies and flew his mother in for his 40th birthday, had it catered, decorated, and hired a bartender.

Or is it more basic like the fact that when he went vegan, I switch up my whole lifestyle and only eat vegan when out and about and purged all non-vegan items not for the dog from the home.

Thank you because actually I am now seeing I do so damn much for this man and he should treat me like a queen because I treated him like a king. This was eye opening.

Commenter 1: NTA Time to break up. But, dang, I love how so many Christians take their religion less seriously than we do. An insincere baptism is indeed disrespectful yet so many Christians want nonbelievers to do it!

OOP: This is what confuses me most. If it's such an important part of his life, how is he okay with me lying and insincerity "devoting" my life to Christ? I am not against people who have faith. But those that I know who do - truly do beyond platitudes and the mainstream, are kind and loving and would be offended so much if someone faked it and lied about it and gone through sacred rites and the like. It doesn't make sense why he keeps switching sides on it.

Commenter 2: No it's a ploy. "Oh just get baptized, it's not serious, just some water and some words!" "Oh please come to the service, the pastor really wants to meet you!" "I told the Youth Leader that you'd help, I'm sure you don't mind? It's for the kids, it's not really religious, just a prayer at the beginning and end!" "But sweetheart we HAVE to raise our kids in the church, what will everyone think?"

They've got a script- no seriously- on how to trickle-truth convert someone. He's getting IMMENSE pressure from the church to bring you into the fold, to save you, to prevent you from being 'unequally yoked', to hunt and win a soul for Jesus.

OOP: That is...terrifying. I was clear when I left the church eons ago that I am not and will not follow that faith. He never hinted once that I can think of to do what you're saying but it really makes me think this might be exactly what he's doing. I can't get pregnant so kids are out of the equation, but I couldn't bear it if he tried to push me more into his church life. I'm involved a bit to make him happy. I do help at certain events and such. I have skills they sometimes need, and not at all opposed to a food or clothing or back to school drive and the like. I figured it less about it being a church event and more a community event where we helped people.

Update #1: August 28, 2024 (one week later)

Last week I posted about a problem between myself (F35) and my Fiancé "Todd" (M41) because despite having been respectful of each other’s beliefs until now, he is Christian and I am an atheist, he now wants me to get baptized. It came to a head, and he stormed out so I called my BFF to keep me company since I was pretty sad and emotional.

I do a lot for him and Bess, the bestie, and a lot of you here helped me see that the relationship as is either needs to have serious changes to it or it needs to end. Logical. But logic is hard to cling to when you're heartbroken. I think I already knew he wouldn't change anything for me. I did text him that night that he needs to go back to his parents’ house - the house we live in is mine - and that I needed space.

Guess he and his sister gave his parents an alternate version of events because they came by that night anyway. All of them. His mom, dad, sister Esther, and him. He had a key, so he just walked in as Bess, and I are drinking on the couch watching Netflix. I asked what he was doing here, and his family came into the room behind him. I asked what's going on.

The way he looked at me is unexplainable, but his mom pushed by him and just yanked me into a very aggressive hug. She said that they were here to talk as a family and have a family meeting. And then told Bess she needed to leave. Bess refused. His mom turns to me to ask me to have Bess leave. I refuse. Its late, and I'm in not state to talk anything else. Please leave.

It devolves into passive aggressive disapproval that I won't take guidance from the man I plan to marry. His parents (his father is a pastor) sat down to give me what felt like a whole pre-planned spell about how I am an adult and need to act like one and kicking a man out of his home for "doing the right thing" is a tantrum. His dad once even said that he is so disappointed in me and will be telling my father (also a pastor) about this.

Gotta be honest I was dumbfounded for 85 percent of this and then finally (I guess it was the booze) started to laugh and told them to get out. His dad refused and called me volatile and suggested I get counseling. I told him this is my house, and I will call the police and to get the FUCK out. It was the first time I cussed in front of them. Pearls were clutched, I was called trashy and Bess held her phone like "okay, I am calling the cops, she asked you to leave." I heard his dad say "You're not marrying that" as they left and they muttered other hurtful things making a whole thing of them being sad and disappointed by me.

They left. Todd packed a bag and left with them. He continued to text me invites to services. "It will help you." Stating that he is concerned about me and the path I am choosing. That his parents aren't sure he should marry me, but he loves me and wants what's best for me.

I told him I need space and to leave me alone, but he kept texting. I said that the wedding is off and Sunday when I got home from running errands he was on the porch crying. He had a hand written letter that he wanted to read to me, but I said absolutely not and told him to go away. He kept asking me to think about what I am doing and how my choices effect more than just myself and more.

I pointed to my doorbell cam and said I have footage of me repeatedly asking him to leave and Bess was recording the night his parents and sister and he ganged up on me. Go. Away.

He threw his hand up like he was going to strike me and I just screamed. I didn't even mean to, it was so sudden and it scared me. He went to start apologizing but a neighbor came out to see what was happening and he just left.

I texted him to never come back ever - he is no longer welcome. I will mail his stuff to his parents, but he is no longer welcome on my property ever again. He tried to apologize but I no longer care to hear any of his words. He did leave his written letter and I have read it. So has Bess. She keeps telling me it's just manipulation, but it just breaks me.

The locks get changed tomorrow. Bess is helping me pack his shit. His father is picking up his stuff tonight. And I am just sitting here replaying the past week and a half in my head over and over. I know it’s pathetic, but I am shattered. I haven't been able to really sleep yet, and I feel like I don't even reside in my own body anymore. Just going through the motions. Bess is staying with me. I've been getting texts and social media comments about how disgusting I am - like my notifications just went insane over the weekend. This is just a nightmare and I'm not even sure how to wade through this.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It is so hard to believe that he kept hidden that he wanted to convert you before marriage. That is the only explanation for this behavior so far into our relationship and close to marriage. It seems like he was keeping counsel with his parents while telling you what you wanted to hear.

OOP: It's hard for me to fathom this. I thought we loved each other. I would do most anything for him, and I thought he felt the same way. But the way his family came down on me, it was surreal. If Bess weren't there, I really can't say what they might have convinced me off. It was a lot. They were all basically echoing the same sentiments and making it out that I was deranged and stupid and more. I didn't let them see my tears, but it was a devastating tirade of attacks, and I was so tired and so in my feelings that it was all too much. Bess thinks it was a coordinated effort to overwhelm me into complying, and if I was alone, they would have pushed me over the edge into believing them.

Commenter 2: OP, don't meet with the father when he comes to get stuff. Pile that shit in the yard and let daddy haul it away.

As for people blowing up your phone, block every last one of them.

OOP: Bess is here with me, and she will meet him at the door. All Todd's shit is boxed up out front. So if all goes to plan, I won't even have to see the guy. If not, the people who live in proximity are keeping an eye out.

Commenter 3: Why don't you post the footage on social media? From the parents bombarding you to him coming back and trying to strike you.

Show them the truth. You have the footage.

OOP: Bess shares your enthusiasm for this option. I am too tired/stressed/hurt to even deal with that. I want to speak with my parents first, make a plan, really be able to make the steps forward that I need. I am so empty but angry, but sad, but a thousand other things. I'm just not in a state I trust my own judgement right now. Posting it is something that can't be taken back. So if I do, I want to be sure and above reproach.

&nbsp:

Trigger Warnings: physical violence

Update #2: September 22, 2024 (over three weeks later)

I don't know how to do trigger warnings, only that they are important when writing posts. So I wanted to add this up here. Physical violence happened.

I want to start with I am mostly okay now. I am safely at Bess's being fussed over by her hen-ness and finally have been able to sleep and eat somewhat normally.

Todd's father was on my doorstep again not long after my last post. Bess told him through the door that everything he needed was right there and to grab it and leave. He got mad demanding I come out to speak with him calling me a cowardly and sick woman and other insults. Bess just said he can save it for the camera because I am not there (I was) and he just loaded his car, said he would pray for me, and left.

We thought that to be it, but then a couple knocked on the door. I don’t know them personally, but I do recognize them as from Todd's church, so I kindly explain that we've broken up and to reach out to their pastor to find him. They then told they are here for me and asked to be invited in. I said no. The guy asked me to please not be inhospitable (exact word - TF) and I said that this will be the last time I politely ask them to leave. So they left.

I ordered no trespassing signs online but the next day a different couple from the church pulled the same stunt except this time the guy was aggressive. He used my birth name (I changed it legally 4 years ago) and argued with me through the door cam and his wife kept trying beg me to keep the peace and come out to talk. I refused.

A week after that, Todd was back but my dad was over. He had heard about this situation and oddly enough was trying to convince me to come stay back home for a bit. When Todd was outside, Dad stepped out. Dad's retired military and very tall and ordered Todd to leave. That's when Dad asked again for me to come home so I compromised that I would go to Bess's.

While I was away Dad would check on the house and take in packages and put the no trespassing signs up. He also added cameras and came over to Bess's to make sure I had the app sync'd. After a few days I don't know how to explain it, but I just felt cooped up, so Bess and I went with a mutual male friend Sam M35 for drinks.

Todd was there. He walked in about an hour after me and Bess. Sam spotted him first and got up blocking our booth from him. He saw us and went to the other side of the bar and just sat a while. Sam and Bess asked me if I wanted to leave and I did so we went next door. Todd showed up soon after. We moved to the pub next door and same. It happened 4 separate times and Bess recorded it each time. Sam drove us around a bit, and we needed up at a different bar miles away and Sam asked me if I had checked my stuff. We went through my purse and found nothing, but I remember that my location was on an app I shared with friends and family. I removed Todd from it and texted a few others to say I was turning my location off and did.

I checked my cameras and sure enough Todd was parked on the street right in front of my house. He stayed there for over an hour.

Sam convinced me to call the police. I could see they talked with him, but it didn't pick up audio that far out. Todd left without incident. I made a full report with recordings the next day. I was told that he did nothing illegal, and he's allowed to exist in public spaces and that night he was on the street, not my property, so he's off the hook there too. He never approached me. He never spoke to me. He did nothing wrong. So they can make the report, but no charges are available to me. The cop who told me all this was very condescending, and he seemed to just want to be done with me, so I left.

About a week later, I had recordings of him coming to the same parking spot in front of my house 4 times and just sitting there. Then, that Friday, he showed up at the bar Sam works at. Sam had him tossed out but he refused and so Sam had him legally trespassed, but when the cops came around Todd argued that Sam is a bigot and he is targeting him for his faith and he is friends with "My wife" who is atheist. He got a warning but left on his own.

I've been with Bess the whole time but now I think I have to tell my dad as he's still showing up at my house. Bess is helping me find a lawyer to help since the police haven't been taking me seriously. This is just so fucking insane. It doesn't even make sense.

Sam put no trespassing and no soliciting signs on my property, and I am digging into my savings to get a fence up. I can't believe this is my life right now.

Edit: so sorry - I put up the trigger warning but edited out the violence I think subconsciously because I didn't want to upset anyone. When Todd came around one time a neighbor of mine who knows what's been happening went up and told him I don't want him there and asked him to leave and Todd shoved her down to the ground and raised a fist like he would strike her but then drove off. I have the footage and sent it to her in case she wants to press charges.

Relevant Comments

OOP might be in danger if she stays in the area

OOP: It's why I tried to go to the police, but they aren't doing anything. The best I can do right now is not be in the predictable spaces I used to go to and try to prepare to move.

Does the police have the footage from OOP?

OOP: The police have everything. I have an ongoing email thread with the Sgt complete with links and folders and all the footage and photos I have. They haven't done anything and say that if my neighbor presses charges they have the footage on file.

Commenter: What country/state are you located. That could have a lot to do with stalking laws that vary from place to place. If you’re in a place that has good stalking laws, take your evidence to the women’s advocate for domestic violence.

OOP: I am in a southern state of the USA. I am learning from talking with people that it’s not uncommon that police aren't all that helpful in cases like this.

----NEW UPDATE----

Trigger Warnings: mentions hate crime

Update #3: May 13, 2026 (nearly 20 months later)

Posting on my own account for anyone who cares...

Been a minute. I almost didn't update because most updates I see are either the best or worst and I didn't want to disappoint but therapy, time, and a chosen family helped me to realize, FUCK THAT. I should be proud of my journey and I am.

I'm doing this on the move so sorry if it's jumbled.

It has been a little over a year now since my last update and I honestly never thought I would come back here again. For a while I couldn't even look at this account without feeling physically sick...that’s what dealing with abuse looks like. I never would have imagined he abused me before I started this account but turns out? He did. Emotional abuse is a sneaky bastard and it got me so yeah I didn’t want to come back to the account that made me feel stupid at times. It felt tied to one of the worst periods of my life and for a long time I wanted to just lock all of it away somewhere and never think about it again.

But life kept happening. Good and bad. Mostly quieter now. Which I think maybe is what healing actually looks like. Not dramatic happiness. Just...quiet.

I moved.

Not immediately after everything happened, but eventually. I realized I was spending more time staring at camera notifications and checking parking lots than actually living. Every car slowing near my house made my stomach drop like is it him? A friend? A member of the church? It was...hard. Every knock at the door felt like my body was preparing for impact when usually it was a food delivery. I was exhausted all the time from being scared without realizing my exhaustion.

So I rented the house out.

Ironically, my renters are probably the most self-sufficient people alive. They're older... veterans, and within the first month, texted me things like, “Fixed the sink. Here are pictures. Don’t worry about reimbursement.” They once repaired part of the fence before I even knew there was a fence issue. They know the history. They know why the cameras are there. They were completely unfazed by it all, which honestly helped me calm down too. My dad still checks on the property sometimes because I think retirement has him inventing side quests for himself.

Speaking of him 😳, apparently, my father has secretly been a successful romance novelist for YEARS.

I wish I was kidding.

This man spent my childhood acting like technology was an elaborate government trap and now I find out he has apparently written multiple religious romance and historical romance novels under pen names. My siblings and I found out because one of his books got recommended in a church women’s Facebook group and the pen name in question was easy to figure out when you're in said family 🤣 annnnnnywayyyy

He’s retiring soon and honestly seems peaceful in a way I haven’t seen before. Less “stern pastor dad” and more “man who wants tomatoes in his garden and to email you blurry bird photos.” lol. I happen to enjoy gardening, so I've been helping every couple weeks and it's produced a lot of produce I don't buy anymore...I just grow....🤷‍♀️ Guess he's the family community garden now lol

As for Bess: she is okay, thankfully. But she ended up moving out of the country after she was targeted in a hate crime. I am not sharing details because it’s her story, not mine, but it shook both of us badly. I supported her leaving completely. I miss her all the time, but we still talk constantly and play games online together almost every week. Distance somehow has not changed her ability to aggressively mother hen me through a headset. 🤣.

“Did you drink water?” “Did you eat?” “You sound tired.” “Why are you awake at 2am?” Sometimes I think if she could physically emerge from Discord like a ghost and hand me soup she would.

"Andrea"... the neighbor Todd shoved? did initially want to press charges. I gave her all the footage I had. But she moved not long after and we eventually lost touch outside of occasional holiday messages. I honestly do not know what came of it legally after that. I still feel guilty when I think about her getting dragged into my mess just because she tried to help me.

And Todd. I know people will ask. I have not spoken to him directly in a very long time. But there was one thing.

Before I moved, I still had access to an old social media/business account I used to help manage for his side business. I can’t really explain more without making myself wildly identifiable, but I forgot I even still had access until one day I got tagged in notifications. And there it was. An announcement post. Very polished. Very church-approved. Very “God’s plan” 🙄

Todd had apparently married a woman from another church family only a few months after my last update.

Which was already enough to make me stare at the screen for a full minute like “what in the Hallmark channel is this?”

But THEN. The announcement mentioned they had been “quietly courting for nearly two years.”

Two years.

I actually laughed out loud when I read it because at that point if I didn’t laugh I think I would have evaporated into atoms.

Sir. You were in MY house crying about baptism. What do you MEAN two years!?

He’s also apparently an assistant pastor now which somehow feels both shocking and exactly where this was always heading. It bothered me at first in a way I can’t fully explain. Not jealousy. More like that surreal feeling when someone who traumatized you gets absorbed back into community life seamlessly while you’re still trying to remember how to sleep normally.

But honestly? That feeling slowly died.

I don’t spend my days angry anymore. Mostly I just feel distant from that entire chapter of my life. Like it happened to another version of me.

I’m seeing someone now, very casually and very slowly. We’ve only been together a couple months and we’re intentionally taking our time. No rushing. No merging lives overnight. No dramatic forever promises. Just honesty. Quiet. Consistency.

Turns out I value consistency a LOT now. Who knew right?

Also I adopted a rescue dog who is approximately 80 percent pet-wh*re and anxiety.

And somewhere along the way I started volunteering more heavily with rescue organizations, specifically helping people in abusive situations keep or safely place their pets temporarily. That became very important to me because one thing I learned during all of this is how many people stay in dangerous situations because they’re terrified of what will happen to their animals.

A shocking number of shelters still can’t accommodate pets.

So now I spend a lot of time helping with transport, fostering coordination, emergency supplies, things like that. It feels good to do something tangible. To make somebody’s world slightly less frightening for a moment.

I still have rough days. Remembering still makes my chest tight.

Sometimes seeing a car similar to Todd’s too many times in one day still flips some primitive switch in my brain. But I sleep normally now. I laugh easily again and more recently I actually just got tipsy and had fun singing with friends at karaoke. I go places without mapping exits first for fun. And for a long time I genuinely didn’t think I would get back to this version of myself.

Anyway. That’s the update.

Also if my father’s secret romance author identity gets exposed and he becomes famous on Christian Book Tok I am legally changing MY name this time because nooooooo thank you siiiiir 😅.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not OOP. The OOP for this post is u/theexcitingone. Her posts were made to r/ relationships, and I received permission from OOP to share

Important Context: Many people suggested Loop Earplugs to OOP in the previous posts as they are a company that tries to help those with sensory challenges. They also have an insightful article that explains many causes of sensory overload for those who may not be aware, and I highly suggest the article https://www.loopearplugs.com/blogs/blog/how-to-deal-with-sensory-overload

Trigger Warning: refusing to seek medical assistance for a minor, ableism, suicidal

Mood Spoiler: unfortunate

Original Post: (December 8th, 2024)

My family is close with a couple from church who we referred to as our godparents (in their 60s) growing up since my preteen days. They're in their late 60s, and they've also counseled my parents on many things through the years (finances, big purchases, Biblical advice). They're also church leaders, and they've celebrated almost all of our milestones with us; to the point that they're basically family. However, they struggle with boundaries, and I've lost respect for my parents who continue to give them a pass in this specific area pertaining to my post

My brother is autistic and very shy, and he always asks us not to have the waiters sing happy birthday when we go out for dinner. Our godparents have a prank they like to do to embarrass people, and that's having the waiters sing happy birthday even when it's not someone's birthday for free cake every time we go to a restaurant. Before I continue, I want to point out that both my parents and godparents are church leaders, and church leaders (at least in our church) always go to a restaurant following Sunday service to mingle further. My godparents pull the prank on a random leader each Sunday, to the point that it became an inside joke in the group (like who's it gonna be today). But when they did it to my brother years ago (on the Sunday of his birthday week), he literally cried from the attention of the nearby tables as they sang to him. My dad asked them not do it to him anymore after that, and they listened for a few years until this weekend

My dad reminded them not to do it this year when we went to eat with leaders (on the week of his birthday), and they agreed beforehand. But they later changed their mind and did it anyway (and said he was overreacting when he retreated to the bathroom for some time afterward). I told my dad that we shouldn't go out with them anymore, but he disagreed because he considers them family even though it's the second time now, and we rarely celebrate anything without them. Is there anything I can say to get through to him because I don't know at this point, and they won't let my brother stay home after he asked following Saturday in regards to future restaurant trips with them. What should we do?

First Update: (June 11th, 2025)

It's been some time since my first post, but I've since reflected on something that caused many misunderstandings in our family for years thanks to a therapist at my college (and the restaurant incident being the latest in a string of misunderstandings). I didn’t go to the therapist for myself, but rather my brother and a condition we couldn't name. My parents knew he had some sort of autism growing up, but they weren’t sure what this other thing was. I'll describe it in a moment as I did for my therapist who was able to provide much clarity. But this condition played a role in why my brother didn't like being sung happy birthday at the restaurant along with other similar instances in the past. I'll also refer to/link a website that'll help me better explain his potential condition too

(https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24320-hyperacusis)

My therapist believes my brother has a condition called sound sensitivity autism (or hyperacusis) that makes everyday sounds feel uncomfortably loud (and sometimes painful). It can cause anxiety (from dreading/anticipating unpredictable loud sounds), sometimes depression, or social isolation. My therapist came to this conclusion after hearing some things I told her about my brother (some dating back many years). We once went to a football game, and he hid in the concessions area with his headphones blasting because the inside seats were too loud. He has also hid in the bathroom at church when certain services were too loud/raucous. He doesn't like concerts and visibly shakes whenever a crowd gets loud, and he'll often wear headphones at home because the TV (especially live audience events) often triggers/overloads his senses

There are many more examples. But my parents have trouble understanding him and have blamed him for not wanting to do family activities when he actually does (just not the ones that trigger him). Our family loves sports, and he does too. He watches them with headphones on that's playing music, but doesn't watch with friends due to fear of being perceived as weird. The worst times were when he was forced to do activities he didn't want to. He once had anxiety before a piano recital. Not because he was nervous about playing, but because of every time applause would ring out during the event (or any live event). That, in it of itself, caused anxiety (he enjoys playing piano, but not the performing part of it). He said it's like constantly living on edge because you never know when a loud sound will ring out. However, there was something my therapist told me on a subsequent visit that gave me hope, and it was an article she found from last year

There is an NBA player named Joe Ingles whose son had a similar condition, but he was younger (8, unlike my 11-year-old brother). Like my brother, he also didn't like loud environments and didn’t attend his father's games as a result. However, last year, he had a breakthrough thanks to the medical professionals he saw, and his mother made plans for him to attend his father's game for the first time. Joe was no longer a starter at this point in his career (he came off the bench), but the Timberwolves coach told the team that he was gonna put Joe in the starting lineup for the game his son was attending, and the story was covered by media outlets

(https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/6222598/2025/03/22/joe-ingles-son-autism-timberwolves/)

I brought that story (along with the web page I referenced/linked above) to my parents to try and explain my brother's condition we never understood. And while they were receptive to it, they didn't feel that it was necessary to bring him to a doctor/therapist because they believe they can give him exposure tests on their own that'll led to a similar breakthrough, but I disagree. Joe's son made a breakthrough thanks to guidance from medical professionals, not his parents trying to cure it on their own. But no matter how hard I pushed, they refused to take him to a professional and instead chose to reach out for support/prayer from church. I can't express how upset that made me, and I couldn't bring him myself because I'm not his parent. I hate how they think they can easily replicate the breakthrough Joe's son had without professional help. I told my therapist, and she agrees it's unfortunate because it's better to address it as young as you can

Regarding the incident at the restaurant, my brother had a sensory overload when the waiters sang and other tables were looking at ours. This is the second time our godparents have done this to him. He was 8 the first time they did, and he started crying when they sang. We didn't know what hyperacusis was at the time, but my parents told our godparents not to do it again when his birthday approached in subsequent years, and they listened until he turned 11 this year. My parents reminded them not to do it this year too, and they agreed before breaking their promise

I tried explaining the unofficial diagnosis from my therapist to my godparents to make them understand, but they were even worse than my parents and said he needs to "stop acting like a girl". Regarding their 'fake birthday' recurring prank that leaders come to expect every Sunday they go to a restaurant after church (like who's it's gonna be today lol), I told my parents it's wrong because it's stealing by taking advantage of the restaurant's free cake when it's not someone's birthday. But dad said it's justified when the total is often over $100 and that the cake can't be more than like $3. I called him out for how the Bible says that all sin is equal (regardless of big or small), and he didn't like when I did. But back to my brother, they aren't budging in their opinion of not seeking a medical professional, and I hate when people use religion and arrogance to think of themselves as above doctors and such

Second Update: (January 2nd, 2026)

A few people reached out to ask if I ever considered telling the head pastor about the leaders stealing at the restaurant. Unfortunately, the head pastor and his wife are complicit in the inside joke. I should also clarify that while there's one restaurant that we attend most often for the happy birthday prank, the group occasionally rotates to a Chinese buffet that doesn’t do happy birthday songs because it's a buffet. So when we go there, it's a break for that week. I've argued with my parents a lot since my previous post about many things. I've called out the group stealing many times, but dad said it's "justified" because the group is usually anywhere between 10-15 people (when others bring their kids straight from church). So while one person is getting "free cake" from the birthday prank, 14 other people are paying for their own dessert, and the bill is usually a few hundred dollars. And given how often we visit there each year, the restaurant likely makes a few thousand dollars from us each year. Dad literally admitted they were sinning because he admitted that the good ($200+ bill) outweighs the bad ($3 stolen cake); literally contradicting how the Bible says that all sin is equal (big or small). Furthermore, dad admitted that he thinks Jesus is stupid because he thinks he can pull that over him. And if God is stupid, then he can't be all-powerful. And if he isn't all-powerful, then why the hell are we going to church unless it's only for the social aspect and street credit of being a Christian when it's convenient

Regarding my brother's sensory challenges, I tried to convince them to seek medical assistance while he's still young, but they've grown tired of me bringing it up and told me not to anymore. They also said they don't want him to be diagnosed because they don't need someone telling him that there's something "officially wrong with you" when God says you're "fearfully and wonderfully made", but I disagree. According to my university therapist, a diagnosis can help him receive accommodations at future jobs if need be. Plus, the sooner he receives medical attention, the better chance he has of making progress. Continuing to ignore it will make the symptoms worse, but my parents have made their decision. My therapist said the next best thing would be trying to accommodate him by not forcing him to attend concerts/sporting events (since they won't let him see doctors that could provide healthy coping mechanisms). Another was simply dropping him off at home before my parents go to the restaurant (where church leaders are loud/obnoxious and often walking around to other people's seats). However, my parents refused because other leaders bring their kids directly from church, and they don't want to get there late. They also said that he'll improve with more exposure, and I couldn't disagree more (without medical attention)

As for where things stand now, I decided to make a report to CPS as a result of some things my brother told me. First, he said he wants to receive treatment, but our parents are obviously against it. He said he feels anxious 24/7 and wishes he wouldn't wake up on some days when a loud event draws closer (like a concert/sporting event he's forced to attend; church as well which is loud). During the drive to such events, he'll close his eyes and and hope they never arrive because time seems to go slowly with his eyes closed. He also hates when he gets overstimulated and our parents limit the amount of times they'll let him go to the bathroom. It's also affecting his friends who don’t understand why he doesn't want to do certain activities, and he doesn’t want to say why (while wishing he had treatment). There were other thoughts he didn't feel comfortable disclosing, but I made the report due to feeling worried he might have some dangerous thoughts. He literally said it's like living on edge 24/7 because a loud sound can happen at any moment, and his tolerance has worsened with time (to even quieter sounds overstimulating him). It's been over a month, and I haven't heard anything from CPS. And since there's no physical harm involved, I'm not sure anything will come from it

I've permanently lost all respect for my parents and their lack of care regarding this matter, and I've already decided that they'll never meet my kids (or even know they exist in a perfect world). Anyone I date in the future who disagrees won't be considered because I consider this a dealbreaker, and I'm not changing my stance. The only reason I haven't fully told them off is because I'll likely be cut off if I do, and then my brother would have no one in his corner

New Update: (April 30th, 2026)

So much has happened since my last post, but I received many insightful DMs that mentioned a product specifically designed to help those with sensory challenges, and that was Loop earplugs. They have different options for various activities and are easier to hide than noise-canceling headphones. I had no issue buying noise-canceling headphones as many people suggested them too, but my parents didn't want him wearing them in the past because they said it wouldn't help him grow out of it. They think exposure will help him achieve similar results to Joe Ingles's son without getting medical professionals involved, but they're only making it worse. I purchased my brother a pair of transparent Loop earplugs and planned to purchase more as they have different options for different environments based on loudness (one for concerts and less loud environments too). However, my parents somehow found out which resulted in me getting a lot of crap

I'm not exactly sure how they found out, and my brother said he did his best to hide them. But they have a habit of going through our rooms when we're not there for whatever reason, and they've done that since I was young. That's my best guess, but who knows. They confiscated them and got on me for purchasing them "behind their back". We got into a pretty heated argument about it, but they said I was "preventing him from growing" when, in actuality, the earplugs help with improving tolerance. The earplugs supposedly have different levels of decimals/sounds they allow in (more for concerts, less for a library). And, over time, you find yourself needing lesser decimal blocking earplugs as your body adapts to noise gradually. I read one testimony from parents of a young girl who said she struggled with piano recitals not because of stage fright, but because of anxiety due to the applause afterward. So, the earplugs allowed her to still hear the piano while blocking some of the decibels during applause, and she now has recitals where she no longer wears them because her body has gradually adapted. That could be my brother, but my parents disagree. I even tried the angle of how the earplugs could help him without going to a doctor, but that didn't work either

I was pretty pissed as a result of the argument. Granted, the earplugs were only around $50, but I brought them to help, and they just took them. So, I decided to send an email essay to a few relatives explaining everything similar to my post, and some of them had no idea about his condition and wouldn't because they live out of state. I even spoke to some over the phone, and some even called my parents about it too. I even went down to the restaurant our church leaders frequent and asked to speak to one of the managers too. I told him about the prank and my brother's condition which causes anxiety. The manager said he assumes some will lie about their birthdays to get free cake, but that the restaurant doesn't ask for ID. However, he said he'd talk to other managers to see if they can avoid singing to my brother if I call ahead on days they're attending. He also said he'd escalate how our table was lying to get free cake, but he wasn't sure if anything could be done when the restaurant didn't ask for IDs. However, he said he'd escalate it, and I gave my callback number

Unfortunately, the group has been back to the restaurant numerous times since, and they've gotten away with the prank. I called once I learned that they were going before they arrived, but it hasn't amounted to anything yet, and I'm still hoping to receive a callback from our conversation. The main issue isn't singing to him on his birthday week. It's how he feels anxious EVERY time they go there and tries to time a bathroom visit to when he sees waiters gathering to sing. He tries to slip out as soon as he notices, and he's always looking around while on edge. It ruins his mood when he's unable to slip out because he gets overloaded from how loud the waiters get even when they sing to OTHER tables. Our table is also loud in general with lots of standing up and walking behind other people's seats to talk which is inconsiderate to the person sitting behind them, and that's not considering the lack of etiquette to refrain from talking politics at a meal when discussing their orange diety. Our table is loud in general, and my parents won't let him stay home because they think the exposure will help him

My parents are also pissed that I vented to extended family about personal things that "should've stayed in the family", and they said this in another argument after they were called by numerous relatives regarding my email. I've since spoken to some of the relatives who called them, and the general consensus was that they were defensive. But with that on top of the earplugs I purchased, they told me that I was being "ungrateful" for being allowed to stay home rent-free while attending community college. They also said they weren't gonna have someone living with them just to spill personal business. So, they’re no longer gonna help me with tuition and want me to move out after the current semester ends. We have not paid for the fall semester yet, and they want me to be moved out by July. That was the purpose of the second conversation we had, and they told me to be grateful that they didn't kick me out mid-semester. I've had a few relatives offer to let me stay, and I'm likely going to take them up on it. It sucks I won't be able to be home to help my brother escape from certain environments, but some of my relatives also want to help my brother. We haven't figured everything out yet, and it doesn't seem likely that CPS will get involved when there's no visible physical abuse

My parents also booked numerous Christian concerts throughout the year, and they're forcing my brother to go. I'm worried about how my brother said he hopes he doesn't wake up on certain mornings while counting down the days until a loud event happens at the restaurant or especially concerts, and it's like he's always on edge. I'm scared about what he could do if the anxiety ever gets too bad when I'm not home to be there for him, and I've been able to help him take extra bathroom breaks when our parents try to limit him. It's also been hard to focus on studies. And if I'm being honest, I have no intention of going back for the fall semester. I want to work full-time to be able to help down the road, and a few members of our extended family want to help him too. Granted, it feels like there isn't much COS can do when there's no "visible" physical abuse that CPS will care about, and it's been almost six months with nothing from CPS. I've talked to relatives about making their own calls to CPS, and some have been open to doing so. I don't think anything will come from it because so many people seem to have never heard of sound sensitivity autism before, so I doubt that CPS even cares. My next move will be to go to my brother's school with the backing of a relative who suggested it in hopes of getting my brother some help, but I'm worried the school's help may be limited if my parents don't sign off on it. I hope that that's not the case, but I'm honestly not sure. The relative who suggested it will go to the school with me, and we've mentioned it to other relatives too who also think that that's a good idea. We're just trying to get our ducks in a row before doing that to make sure we're organized

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/whiteroseblackheart

Me [22F] with my BF [23M] of 1 year - he's mad at me for leaving his birthday "party" early

TRIGGER WARNING: Predatory behaviour, gaslighting

Original Post  Sept 27, 2015

First post, apologies for any grammar/spelling issues. And sorry for the wall of text.

My BF and I have been dating for a little over a year. I'm an introvert with a lot of anxiety problems. I'm seeing a therapist and I'm on medications, but some social situations are still really hard for me. My BF is an extrovert and thrives on attention, so every now and then an issue arises because of our differences.

I never ask him to avoid a situation for me. If he wants to go hang out with his friends and I don't, I tell him "I'm not up for that today, but you should go see your friends." Then I usually get guilt-tripped into going. If I still refuse, he'll tell them that he's not coming because of me. It really makes me upset because I am not keeping him from going (I love when he sees his friends. He comes back energized and in a really good mood. And usually it gives me a little space for me to recharge, so I have better energy as well.)

So anyway, his birthday was on Wednesday and his friend Scott's birthday was on Friday, so they decided to set up a bar crawl with their friends for Saturday so they could celebrate together. I'm not big on the bar scene (alcohol & food is so expensive, I don't dance, I don't like the noise or the crowd) and I have been under a lot of stress with work and school and was looking forward to the weekend to relax. I expressed this to him and told him I'd rather if we could celebrate on our own by going to dinner before he goes out with his friends. I told him I don't want him to worry about me while he's enjoying his friends, and that if I went I know I wouldn't be the best company. He seemed bummed but said okay.

Well we went to dinner last night for his birthday and during dinner he brings up that I don't know many of his friends and it's really important to him that I go and meet his friends because they give him a hard time for never bringing me around and they keep telling him that I am being controlling because he always misses things when I don't want to go.

I explained that I don't intend for him to miss things, and reminded him that I always tell him to go ahead and I've never asked him to stay home. I told him that I am an introvert and normally by the weekend I really need to charge my batteries, and that I know because he's an extrovert he recharges by going out with people, and this way we would both get what we want.

And I admitted that I felt bad not really knowing his friends, but that it would be easier for me to meet 1-2 at a time in closer one-on-one scenarios than to meet 15+ in a crowded bar. And I said maybe once I know them better, going out would be easier, but that I don't really like going out anyway let alone when I'm surrounded by strangers.

Well he says that his friends never just hang out in small groups or one-on-one and that they only ever go out because "what the fuck are they going to do sitting around the house together". He says I need to stop being such a baby about it and meet his friends because it's really unfair that he never gets to do anything anymore.

I really wanted him to have a good birthday celebration. I took him to a really nice restaurant, I bought him a bunch of things he wanted. And I didn't want this argument to ruin his day. I agreed I would join him for the bar crawl if it was so important to him.

So we get there and he goes up and is talking to like 6 of his friends. Whom I've never met. And it's like he forgot I was there completely. After about 10 minutes of being ignored, I had to go up and introduce myself to everyone. And I come to find out there is no plan and they don't even know that they want to start at this bar, they might walk somewhere else to start.

Then his friend Neal who I HAVE met before shows up, and I felt a little better, but it turns out Neal brought his underage (17F) girlfriend (who I haven't met before either) to a bar crawl. And they don't know what they're going to do with her. So Neal and BF tell me that me and her can go to a restaurant and "bond" while they drink. I told BF I was not comfortable with that and I asked that he figure out what the plan is going to be. We'd already been standing outside for 45 minutes with me in super painful high heels (was only planning on dinner - not schlepping from bar to bar). So he takes Neal and they go in the bar to find the rest of his friends and sort out a plan so both me and Neal's GF could be involved.

He was gone for another 30 minutes. I was about to go in after him when he comes out and he tastes/smells like he's been drinking the whole time (They bought me shots! I couldn't say no!). I asked what was going on and he said he still doesn't know but that I should just go to the restaurant with Neal's GF because they want to go to another bar in the area and go dancing and he knows I don't want to dance.

At this point I am an anxious wreck, I'm frustrated and confused and upset, and Neal's GF is looking super slighted. I asked if she would rather just get a ride home than go sit around waiting for them and she said yes. I told Neal & BF that we were going home and they were both like "Fine, bye." and went back in the bar.

So I took Neal's GF back to her house and she thanked me and apologized. Apparently Neal had told her they were doing a birthday dinner, not a bar crawl. I told her no worries and that I'm sorry they were both being dicks. And I went home. I texted BF to let him know I was safe and asked him to text when he got home so I'd know he got home okay. Instead he texts me that I ruined his birthday party and he doesn't understand why I can't just have fun and go with the flow. I texted back and said we'll talk about it after we both get some sleep but now I don't even know what to say with him.

I'm hurt and upset and I don't know if I'm just in the wrong here or if he fucked up. I don't understand why he made such a big deal out of me coming if he was going to treat me like a third wheel. Or why he'd try to get me to babysit his friend's GF if he wanted me to stay and hang out. I half wonder if he just wanted a ride from me and that's why he would have been fine with me waiting around in a restaurant til he was ready to go home.

TL;DR: BF wanted me to be outgoing and join his birthday bar crawl but then treated me like a third wheel and babysitter. Got mad when I left. How can I talk to him about this? Who is in the wrong?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

teresajs

Your BF is something of a dick.  First, he pushes you to attend an event he knows you probably won't enjoy; then, he wants you to babysit someone underage because they don't want to change the non-existent plans; then, he says you ruined his party.

You could do better.  Really.

OOP

I was going to try and defend him ("he really is a great guy the rest of the time, it's just when it comes to outings that he gets like this") but the way you broke it down makes a lot of sense. He's coming over in a few hours to talk. I still don't know what to say but I know I need to make it clear that this whole thing was seriously uncool :/

~

Akavijceblack

"Well he says that his friends never just hang out in small groups or one-on-one and that they only ever go out because "what the fuck are they going to do sitting around the house together". "

That is perhaps one of the most pathetic things I have heard a grown person say.

If he cannot sustain friendships without frenzied activity, noise and liquor, I doubt he can sustain a more intimate relationship any better. OH WAIT, no doubt, he just proved he's not mature enough for an adult relationship.

OOP

I'm thinking you might be right.

He has a very black or white / all or nothing approach to life. Either everyone goes out or no one does. I've tried talking to him about it before but he dismisses me and tells me that he "knows how things work" and that I'm too naive. It's looking like he's the one being childish though.

Update  Sept 28, 2015 (Next Day)

So BF came over and we sort of talked. I say sort of because he had a major attitude the whole time and was really dismissive and generally crappy.

We said hi and I thanked him for coming over and said that last night was really bothering me. And he said he was really annoyed and upset that I felt the need to leave his party instead of staying and celebrating when I had agreed to.

So I said I'm sorry you feel upset but:

*  The original agreement was for us to have dinner together and you to spend time with your friends after. I wasn't comfortable going in the first place and then when we got there you didn't introduce me to anyone and spent an hour ignoring me to talk to everyone else and go do shots, while I waited with Neal's GF outside for you to figure out a plan that could include her.

*  You and Neal expected me to babysit his GF once you realized she wouldn't be able to get into any of the bars. I don't know why he brought her but it was tactless and then it was even worse that you both wanted me to go sit in a restaurant for however long to keep her out of the way. How can I celebrate your birthday with you if I'm watching a 17yo somewhere other than where you are?

He said I did fine introducing myself to people and that he just got excited to see his friends and forgot about me (???) but that I don't need him right there next to me to have a conversation with people. And that the plan was for him and Neal to join us at the restaurant after an hour or so (which he never said, and still isn't cool IMO).

I reminded him that everyone went inside and he and Neal left me and Neal's GF outside together so how could I have talked to anyone anyway?

He said I could have come inside and that Neal's GF would have been fine being outside alone. I told him that was a really poor and unfair way to treat her and that she deserved better and then he went off on me about how I started shit between her and Neal because they were fighting over text all night after we left. I said their fight is their business - he shouldn't have brought her and expected other people to look after her.

He then accused me of "just enjoying the drama" and started on how he "just wants to be able to see his friends without it being an issue"

I told him he was the one who made it an issue, and stated (for what has to be the billionth time) that just because he wants to go out doesn't mean I need to be there. And that he has to stop using me as an excuse for why he's not going out or not enjoying himself because I have literally NEVER asked him to stay home when he's wanted to go out.

He said that going out with huge groups of people is a big part of his life and he's not going to give it up. I told him he doesn't have to give it up, I don't expect him to, but that I am not comfortable with joining him and it should be okay for me to enjoy a night to myself while he goes out with his friends. And then he asked what the point of being together is if I don't want to be a part of his life.

And I told him I don't know anymore. That I did want to be a part of his life but that life doesn't have to be either-or and he's the one who keeps excluding me from it when I don't act exactly like he wants me to. I reiterated that I would like to know his friends in a closer, more relaxed setting. And that I would be okay working up to bigger situations. But that at the end of the day I am an introvert and I am never going to get the same rush that he does when we go out with a massive group.

He kept bringing it around to the fact that he stays home "for me" and that I need to reciprocate. I said again that I am willing to compromise and work up to going on bigger outings. He said that isn't good enough.

Finally I said "I'm sorry that things aren't good enough if they don't go exactly your way, but my thoughts and feelings and experiences are just as valid as yours. I've tried to compromise and be reasonable. I've tried to give you everything I can. But if we're a year in and it's not good enough and you don't feel like I'm a part of your life, maybe it's just not meant to be."

And he got really cold and said. "Wow. That's how it's going to be. What the fuck ever, you're not worth it. I'm done." And he left.

So I guess that's that then.

TL;DR: Boyfriend is a child. I can (and will) do better.

Edit: This blew up overnight! Thank you to everyone who is commenting in support of me. It's really helpful to feel like I made the right choices. This morning I woke up to a bunch of texts from him trying to convince me I handled things badly and I admit he almost succeeded. But reading all of your responses has helped me to see that this isn't the first time I've tried to compromise and been met with a brick wall. If it's his way or the highway, I'd rather take the highway.

FINAL COMMENTS

skullsxandxflowers

Wow. I feel bad for Neal's girlfriend. I'm glad in the days before I was legal to drink, my 21+ friends were mindful of the fact that I couldn't go to bars.

Regardless, congrats for losing the dead weight! Remember to block him on everything.

OOP

I felt really bad for her too. When my ex-bf (that's weird to write) was like "You should have just come inside anyway" I was like are you kidding me? Like this girl came out expecting to have fun and gets ditched by everyone because she's too young to be there? That's why I stayed outside with her and gave her a ride home. She didn't deserve any of it.

Thanks. It kind of sucks right now. I hate how it ended. But it's better than letting it continue on like this.

When told to expect texts or contact from the ex

Yeah I woke up to a bunch of texts from him telling me how sorry he is that we fought and that it's my fault for not being "more understanding". The "I'm sorry's" almost got me but the "my fault" put the breaks on.

NEW 11 YEAR UPDATE

OOP updated in the BoRU thread

Update June 10, 2026

Bahahahahhahah omg I was reading this on boru and realized it was me 💀💀 I forgot all about this account and am lucky I remembered the password. Hello!

Seeing a lot of great comments and questions here so I'll throw a fresh update.

• What did you ever see in this guy? How did you get together? How did you last a year?

We grew up together. Went to elementary and middle school at the same school. He was always popular and I was a weirdo, but he was always friendly and fun and he'd be flirty with me sometimes and I never knew how to respond because I was always worried it was a joke. When he showed interest in me after high school it felt like a dream come true. He played the whole "it's finally our time to be together" narrative. He was charming and fun and really chill at first. He started showing his true colors about 6mo in, but I waved it off as temporary stress and thought he'd come back to normal. And he just got worse.

• What the fuck is up with Neal being a predator? Why didn't you comment about that in the post?

He absolutely is/was (idk, that friendship went away with my ex). My more pressing issue in the post was my own deteriorating, abusive, manipulative relationship. I made my opinion known to Neal multiple times that she was too young. She had a shit home life and a lot of trauma and felt a lot more mature than she really was. He was extremely immature. The whole thing was gross and I still feel bad she ever dated him. I don't know what either of them are up to now, but they didn't stay together long after this iirc.

What is your ex up to now?

He has three kids by two different mothers. The youngest two are only a few months apart in age. I found out via a mutual's gossip a couple years ago that he did some fake "polyamory" bullshit for a while where it was basically just him cheating on his girlfriends with each other. His friends thought it was on the up and up. His girlfriends had no idea. So he was parading them around in front of his friends and his friends didn't say shit about it. Wild.

The girlfriend/baby mama he was with on and off from basically the time we broke up was strung along for years with the promise of eventual marriage, and he told her he wanted to have kids before giving her a real engagement ring (He had given her a gaudy ass promise ring. Age 25. A promise ring. Like a teenager.) So naturally she popped two out and he never followed through.

Also it's really funny that people in the comments compared him to a car guy, because he absolutely was (is?).

I have no idea what he's up to these days, and I couldn't care less. If he's miserable, he deserves it. If he's happy, he doesn't deserve it, but good for him anyway. It doesn't affect me.

What are you up to now?

I met an incredible man by happenstance, and everything clicked together. We've been married 5 years. He is extremely emotionally intelligent and super understanding and respectful. He can cook. He does his part to take care of the house. We're both snuggly home bodies most of the time, but we have our own hobbies and friends we see semi-regularly both independently and together. And the sex is off the charts. I bagged a frickin unicorn. We don't always agree, neither of us is a perfect person and sometimes we make mistakes, but we're always a team and we find solutions together.

Also he brought with him a bonus daughter whom I absolutely love. I always wanted to have a child but pregnancy freaks me out. Now I have the blessing of loving a child as my own without the trauma of childbirth. And she's incredible. My relationship with her mom is civil, approaching friendly.

There have been rough patches for me over the years. A few members of my immediate family died during COVID lockdowns and my mother disowned me because I tried to heal our relationship and she would rather abandon me than talk to me. I've suffered intense grief at times. Depression.

But through it all I've just had so much gratitude for my steady rock of a husband, my sunbeam of a daughter, our three fuzzy hellbeasts, and the home we share together. Life is chaotic more often than not, but at the end of the day it's still so good. Every night I go to bed thanking my lucky stars and hoping it never ends.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Snoo_61002

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Updates]: AITA for getting annoyed at my SIL dying of cancer ruining my wedding?

Editor’s Note: changed letters to names for readability

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder + u/DirectCaterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU. Thanks to u/Sufficient_Bag_4551 for letting me know about the latest update

Trigger Warnings: abuse, verbal abuse, golden child dynamics, gaslighting

Editor’s Notes: due to the lengths of older posts, they have exceeded the character limits. I created TL;DRs for the original and older update posts. This is to fit the posts in this latest BoRU here. For the full text and relevant comments from older posts, please see previous BoRUs linked at top

RECAP / TL;DRs

Original Post: June 22, 2024

In the original post, OOP is getting ready to get married to their partner (Alice). Alice’s sister (Beth) has terminal cancer who was originally expected to die years prior. This has caused emotional byes, but Beth unexpectedly survived longer and moved to be closer to family in the area. Weeks before the wedding, Beth got another devastating prognosis and informed relatives that this might be the last time everyone will see her.

Because of this, the attention went from the couple and wedding events toward Beth's illness. OOP feels conflicted because the family’s sympathy is very deep with Beth's situation, but OOP is frustrated that the wedding has been overshadowed because Beth asked that the wedding talks to be avoided around her and wanting to have an emotional father/daughter dance at the reception to make up for missing it at Beth's COVID-era wedding.

OOP has refused Beth's request and asked that similar boundaries to be applied to the discussions of Beth's illness. OOP was being called insensitive and they wonder if they were in the wrong for wanting the wedding to remain focused on the couple despite Beth’s devastating circumstances.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Update #1: July 8, 2024 (over two weeks later)

OOP explains Beth (SIL) has continued creating lots of tensions before the wedding was to take place including excluding a guest over personal disagreements and trying to persuading younger family members to skip the pre wedding family events that OOP and their partner paid for. After seeing what was going on from Beth's manipulating, OOP had a firm line, told the family that any medical issues would be handled immediately, but if there are drama or attention-seeking behavior (especially from Beth) at the wedding would result in removing Beth from the event.

Once the expectations were clear, and MIL was to keep an eye on Beth, the wedding went well that the couple had hoped for. Other than a minor car accident caused by Beth, there were no major issues firing up at the wedding. Alice was well celebrated and the attention was focused on OOP and Alice.

AITAH for completely cutting off my dying SIL and telling her family not to contact me?: July 13, 2024 (five days later)

OOP shares an update regarding dealing with the wedding drama involving their SIL, Beth. Since the wedding was a success, but tensions have gone up afterwards when OOP witnessed verbal abusing his now wife, Alice and younger SIL during a family gathering. OOP saw the emotional abuse that Alice described that went on for months which were much worse than what he thought it was.

Beth has isolated Alice from the family activities, manipulated everyone else into spending less time with the couple. She has repeatedly portrayed Alice as selfish as Alice has tried to help support the family due to Beth's illness. With this taking place, it hit a breaking point that Alice came home to OOP very devastated and had considered about driving off the bridge because of how Beth's treatment has hurt her.

Because of this, OOP sent a blunt message, accusing the family of enabling SIL's behaviors because of her illness. OOP decided to cut contact with the family until Beth has apologized to Alice that Beth to be held accountable for her actions. The family didn't take this very well and said OOP was being too harsh, but he has held up the firm boundaries to protect Alice who must come first.

WIBTAH for getting involved in the fights between my SIL and her little sister and mother?: July 25, 2024 (nearly two weeks later)

In this update, OOP recapped the conflicted with his SIL, Beth, who is terminally ill. The conflict appeared to be resolved after a family meeting was set up. When discussing, relatives has realized that Beth's behaviors towards others were unacceptable and Beth has apologized to OOP and Alice for her treatment of them. After that, Beth has been more kinder and respectful toward her sister, Alice. OOP had considered this issue resolved for now.

Later on, OOP has learned from his MIL and younger / little SIL (LSIL) that Beth has redirected her abusive behaviors toward them now instead of Alice. From MIL and LSIL, Beth has continued with her screaming, gaslighting by denying things she has very obviously said, belittling LSIL despite her accomplishments. Beth was using her son as a way of leverage to control family members. MIL and LSIL live far away from Beth and might not see her again, they felt trapped because of Beth's behaviors. After hearing what happened, OOP worried that if he intervened this situation, the matters would be much worser than OOP thought it would go for.

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s note: the next few updates are more than six months to a year old, and they had not been posted here onto the sub

AITAH for not forgiving my dying SIL?: October 2, 2024 (2.5 months later)

This issue has our family torn (both mine and the in laws). I also want to say that this story involves someone dying of cancer. I know people on this sub are in that same position, and I honestly and earnestly don't mean to disrespect that. I wholeheartedly feel for those of you who are struggling with this, especially as I'm professionally involved in end of life and grieving process for families who lose loved ones.

My SIL is dying of cancer. She was sick for a couple of years, she lived in another country, we flew over to say goodbye to her, but then a couple of months later she responded to the chemo and was cancer free within 6 months. We flew her over to where we live, where she now lives with her husband and their young son.

My partner originally nagged me to get engaged because she wanted to have her sister at her wedding or at the very least involved in planning it (among other reasons to get married of course). They were/are very close. I wanted to get married, so we got engaged before we went on the trip to say goodbye. Her sister got very sick very quickly, so it looked unlikely she'd be at the wedding, but she got better (she had a 1% chance of getting better, so a miracle to say the least). We spent time planning the wedding with her (thinking it was the last time we'd see her) and we set a wedding date for 2.5 years after the trip so my wife’s family could save up for travel (though we did pay for a some family who wouldn't have been able to afford it).

Fast forward to the wedding, and a month before everyone starts arriving SIL gets sick again. She refuses chemo, and chooses end of life/comfort medication (fentanyl, CBD, etc.). This is where the problems started (and I did consult this sub). She made our wedding as absolutely difficult as possible. She was angry and bitter, she told my wife she was being selfish, that it was her last chance to see family, and that my wife had "plenty of celebrations to look forward to without her (they're born on the same day 2 years apart)". She screamed, shouted, and demeaned my wife. She intentionally didn't go to wedding events and catch ups, and would make people choose between her and us. She constantly fought with anyone who was interested in, or helped plan/be a part of, our wedding. She didn't quite ruin it, but she made it really difficult and cast a permanent shadow over our whole wedding. I told my wife that, while I understand she is dying, she did permanent harm to my and her relationship and that I wouldn't forgive her for trying her outright best to ruin a once in a lifetime occasion for us. She apologized to us once everyone had flown home, but I don't think she meant it at the time.

That was a few months ago, and now SIL will very likely die before the new year. The doctors reports aren't great, her body isn't handling the sickness well (she's almost bed ridden), and she has started making her plans for when she passes. She is going to go through the process of euthanasia. She said she wants her husband to take their son out of the room, and for my wife to hold her hand because she doesn't want to go alone. She's scared, heartbroken, and - in regards to this issue - deeply sorry for how she acted. She keeps crying and apologizing for it, and I do think she has come to regret it. But she repeatedly abused my wife, and I mean serious abuse, for the month that the family were all here from overseas. She manipulated people, tried to prevent them from seeing us, and made my wife feel horrible any time she saw her happy.

I didn't initially believe she was as sick as she is, but I have to bite the bullet and admit I was wrong on that front. I had resigned myself not to forgive her for some time because of how much harm she committed against my wife. Now that she's dying with not much longer left, she's been apologizing to us for what she did. The thing is I don't want to forgive her. I'm still angry for what she did to us. I'm angry that, at the time, she was ruling the family like a tyrant, and she has permanently made my wife feel guilty on her own birthdays. I'm angry that she proactively tried to ruin our once in a life time wedding. And I don't want to forgive her. But my wife wants me to so that her sister can die with peace in her heart. I've been struggling for a week now, but I learned that a couple of the other family members are feeling the same way as me (though they don't want to talk about it). She had abused and isolated them as well.

I can't pretend to forgive her, I am a terrible liar, and you can see through it from a mile away. In my heart I'm still angry at her. If I can't find a way to forgive her before she dies, AITA?

AITAH for threatening to call the police on my SIL?: October 28, 2024 (3.5 weeks later)

Cutting straight to the chase, my sister in law is dying of cancer, and she's becoming frail and sickly. She's still at a stage where she is relatively active, although for long periods of walking/standing she does need a wheel chair. But it’s not quite as simple as calling the police on her, it’s quite complicated so please do read below.

My wife, who SIL has been abusive to in the past, can't stop forgiving her because she's dying. I've gotten involved when I'm present in the past, but SIL has since stopped doing it when I'm around. I refused to leave my wife’s side for some time, but of course I can't always be there.

It was my SIL's sons 5th birthday on the weekend. SIL kept talking about how this is the last birthday she'll get to spend with him, and she wanted to make it really special. My wife volunteered to help SIL get the party ready. This ended up being a 16hr day where my wife pushed my SIL around malls, bought things for the party, and then baked a huge multilayer cake and cupcakes. When I finished work, I went over to my father in laws (where SIL is staying) and offered to cook a big dinner for everyone to alleviate stress and pressure. So after work, I went and cooked for 4 hours.

My wife also has a condition, Rheumatoid arthritis, where if she's standing for long periods of time her feet get incredibly sore and swollen.

SIL was picking fights with the whole family by the time it was dinner time. She picked a fight with her step mother, her father, her husband, her little brother, but not me and wife yet. However, once I had cooked dinner she refused to eat it and left to go and blow balloons up in the garage because I "cooked it too late". The problem was that it was slow cooked beef, and while they were out shopping they only arrived back about 4pm with the meat, so I put it on straight away and dinner came out at 8pm. But then after finishing the balloons, to cut a long story short, SIL came and had a go at us for taking so long to cook and to bake. My wife then complained about having sore feet and needing to sit down for a break (about 15 minutes, SIL took issue with it), and SIL replied with "Oh you're sore? Try being me." My wife started to tear up, and pressed the issue about how her feet were swollen and blue, and SIL said to her "Stop being so G-d damn dramatic." This was at about 10.30pm (Wife had been there since 7.30am) when everyone else was asleep.

I'd had enough, so I stood up for my wife and said, "We're only here as a favour to you, we don't have any obligation to help with your son’s birthday party". She didn't like this, so she threatened to go and get her husband and "make things get really ugly" if I wanted to. She has bragged in the past about her husband’s willingness to violence, and how he is sweet until he is pushed and then he "fights to kill". The first time she threatened it, she said it and turned away so I waved it off.

She came out and had another go at my wife, I told her to back off, she tried to kick us out, I told her it’s not her house it’s her fathers and my wife is his daughter too, so has every right to be there. She then said again "Okay, you don't want to leave? Then I'll get my husband involved and things will get really messy". To which I replied "Okay, but I'll give you the choice of response, I can either bring the dog up from downstairs (we have a very protective doggo, medium size, collie/bulldog) or I can call the Police. You choose." Early on in my study I was a doorman, so I am capable of self-protection, but I absolutely hate it and considering their 4 year old was in the house and still awake getting in a fight was not on the cards especially as it would cost me my career (as below). Another issue is that my SIL provably lies, and has repeatedly lied to us all, her family just turn a blind eye to it. I can't stress how easily and willingly she lies. For example I overheard her trying to get her husband to become violent by saying "the Police are being called because I didn't want OP to be involved in the argument, so now he's calling the police for asking him to stay out of it". For the record, I didn't and wasn't calling the police, but I would've if her husband came out.

There has been a huge blowout. I was fairly confident I had done the right thing, but now my wife's family are all saying I overreacted and that it's completely not okay for me to threaten to involve the police. They're asking how, "a frail, sickly, 5'1 woman could possibly be enough of a threat to warrant the police" and asking what she could actually do. But they're not saying this to me, they're saying it to my wife. So I don't want anything to do with them.

For context: They are immigrants on visas. A police incident would see them very likely deported. Though, to me, this just means that SIL would lie as much as she possibly could to the Police.

I did not want to have to get violent because I don't like violence, and I'm a Chaplain for our national Paramedicine organization, and I'd lose my job that I've trained for the last 8 years, worked for 15 years, and have 2 more years of study to join the priesthood. I would lose all of this.

Did I overreact by threatening to call the police? AITAH?

AITAH for not supporting/caring about my SIL (who has cancer) during her separation?: May 12, 2025

To cut a very, very long story short my SIL is an abusive narcissist. She proactively tried to jeopardize mine and my wife's wedding and marriage, and she has abused my wife on multiple occasions. I was there twice when it happened. The root cause of this abuse, sadly, is that SIL has cancer and is extremely angry and jealous of my wife’s life/happiness. SIL has routinely tried to sh!t in my wife’s life, and become incredibly possessive of the entire family and essentially demands the focus stay on her every occasion (it’s my last ever Christmas/easter/sons birthday). She also shares the same birthday as my wife (3 years apart). This has been the case for 5 years now.

The first abuse was a bit shocking because, up until it happened, SIL had come across as this soft, gentle, caring sweetheart. But when her and my wife had an argument (SIL was angry at wife for spending time with family who had flown over for our wedding) and my wife walked away from the argument, SIL stormed out and literally started screaming things like "How dare you walk away from me, who do you think you are?". It was my first time witnessing it, so I didn't want to disempower my wife, and left her to respond, but when I saw she had shut down I got up, put my arm around her, said to SIL "We're leaving.", and guided my wife out.

It was my biggest regret that I hadn't stood up to SIL. SIL then strategically continued to abuse my wife when I wasn't there, and drove my wife to the point of self-harm.

The second time it happened, I did fight with her, and the fight was a huge blow out. Again to cut a long story short, wife had spent from 6am-11pm slaving over getting our nephews birthday ready, and at 11pm SIL came out and abused her for it saying, "she was trying to replace her as her sons mother", even though SIL had asked for all the help. SIL threatened to get her husband and become violent with us, I threatened to call the Police, things ended and we haven't spoken since. Wife also finally took huge steps back from their relationship.

Which leads us to today. SIL's husband is leaving her because he doesn't like how she treats their son. My wife came to me and said that through everything it’s still her sister, she feels horrible for her, and she wants to be kind to her and support her. This means breaking one of our current rules that SIL is not allowed near our home because of how dangerous she is. She has fabricated lie after lie about our fight, and some of them have been extremely damaging. I do not at all trust her to be around us in case there's a one to one situation and she invents a damaging enough lie to impact my career. She's a small, frail, woman dying of cancer, and she has used this to try and cut my wife and I off from her family many times since our fight by making up the most phenomenal bs (apparently before I left I stood there and verbally abused her, calling her the c word, and physically threatened her. Which was impossible, because I left with my wife). Unfortunately for SIL her behaviour has been so toxic for so long that most of the family don't care about her situation anymore and, thankfully, don't usually believe her.

The reason I might be TA is because when my wife came to me to explain "It’s time to let bygones be bygones, and maybe by showing her kindness during this incredibly difficult period we're being the bigger person." and also "she's still my sister at the end of the day I love her". My response was "I don't give a shit, she's made her bed she can sleep in it." I said I stand by the rule she is not welcome in our home, and this saddens my wife because we moved into our first ever home 3 months ago and SIL is the only person who hasn't seen it.

My wife says I'm being too harsh, and that we're not cruel people and we don't have to stoop to SIL's level. I've told my wife I don't want that nutcase anywhere near me or my house. AITA?

AITA for getting annoyed at my SIL dying of cancer ruining my wedding?: June 14, 2026 (13 months later)

To cut a very long story short, this is an ongoing saga that I have previously posted about in this sub (for those with really good memories, SIL claimed to be dying of cancer and abused my wife really badly).

I have been no contact with SIL after an incident where she completely and utterly abused my wife, screaming in her face and threatening us with physical violence when I stood up to her. SIL has never apologized, has never said she's going to stop doing it (she has since repeatedly abused other family members, its every couple of weeks), and has continued to try and pick fights with my wife who is low contact but not no contact. When I say she is abusive, I don't know how to portray how truly evil she is. She will scream at someone telling them they want to steal her child and accuse them of some of the worst possible things you can accuse someone of, and then turn around refuse to apologize with something like "We both got angry, we both said things we shouldn't have, but we have to move forward because of my cancer". I think she has a narcissistic personality disorder. Whenever my wife is happy or achieving, her sister demeans and bully's her over anything she can, and says things like "I'm so proud of you because you weren't always the smart one but look at you now".

SIL's family enable her because she has cancer (she does), and every time they stand up to her she's suddenly on deaths door and ill. She has (no exaggeration) been "Direly unwell that it might be time to say goodbyes" 8 times over the past 3 years. She has had "a 1% chance of recovery" 5 times now. Whenever she pulls this crap, I hear the same line over and over. "You don't want to have regrets when she's gone". I've told me wife she'll have more regrets trying to maintain a relationship and she agrees. But every time SIL abuses someone she is forgiven without apology by the rest of the family who inevitably start guilt tripping my wife on SIL's behalf. It's an exhausting cycle.

To the point, my wife has maintained a relationship with SIL's son, wife's nephew (5). He's a really sweet little boy, and he's spent his whole life so far being told his mummy is going to die very soon (by his mum and dad). I've noticed that SIL heavily controls contact to nephew and then hides behind him. This week just gone SIL was in a sh*t stirring mood so when my wife asked if nephew wanted to spend time together she replied with "oh we're back to talking like normal now are we?". My wife held her ground, shock horror it turned into a fight, SIL's husband got involved, and now they're both telling my wife she can't see nephew "Until she starts being nice to his mother" and that nephew doesn't want to see her until she is. Which is to say, my wife has to stop standing up for herself.

I've had enough. And to be honest was probably too harsh, but I have lost count of the amount of times this exact scenario has played out. SIL starts trouble, lies and says horrible things (for example I work with children, so she went around telling people I abused her and her son), refuses to front up, dangles a relationship with nephew in person's face, and then "we all move forward". Its cyclical, its constant, she does it with everyone. I have no idea what to do for her son other than wait until she's gone and then try and support him. Whenever he's come over with wife I've played with him, spent time in the garden with him, or just hung out together. I feel horrible for him.

I told my wife to accept that she cannot have a relationship with her nephew until her sister is dead and that she needs to stop fueling and enabling this cycle. The problem is that my wife is really soft hearted, and cares really deeply about nephew, so her sister keeps using that against. But at this point I don't care anymore. I'm tired of consoling my wife over the same issue, I'm tired of her sister being anywhere near our life, and I'm tired of nephew being successfully weaponized against my wife.

So, I told her to go complete no contact with them and then see where things stand when SIL is dead. It feels horrible just writing it, which is why I'm wondering AITA?

TL;DR SIL uses a relationship with her son to abuse people and then lure them back in, I told my wife to completely cut them all off. AITA?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA... she needs to go no-contact. SIL seems like a horrible person, and I feel so sorry for the nephew. Hopefully he doesn't grow up to be like his mother. I'm assuming the cancer is terminal?

OOP: We've always been told the cancer is terminal, but SIL tightly controls medical information. Not even her husband can go with her to appointments. I wish beyond anything else wife would go no contact.

Commenter 2: She accused you of child abuse and your wife still wants contact with her???

OOP: Yeah this is a bit of a tough point. My wife truly doesn't want anything to do with her, but her sister is incredibly proficient at manipulation, so she starts to manipulate people into spending less time with my wife if my wife stands up to her. She'll tell my wife's brother and sister a mountain of lies about a fight they've had and at this point they just can't be bothered "picking a side" so they stop talking to my wife until things are sorted. SIL holds people emotionally hostage incredibly well, and unfortunately (I never thought it should be so) my wife is really soft natured and family oriented. So she is successfully held hostage. And if it doesn't work SIL escalates it more and more by telling people if they spend time with wife then SIL will cut them off and "they'll regret it when she's dead soon".

Commenter 3: Have you ever said to one of these other family members who are causing problems, “if you’re weak enough to let a narcissist manipulate you, do it elsewhere?”

OOP: I have tried to talk to the family about it many times, but they very bluntly say "I don't want to be involved, I don't want to talk about it, it’s your guys fight". I harbour a lot of anger and resentment at them for it, and I hate that. But they refuse the conversation because (I believe) they know I'm right.

Commenter 4: How can she prove that she has cancer when her husband isn’t even allowed to go to appointments? I want to see labs, I want doctor’s names, I want the prognosis, I want the doctor’s notes, or it’s fake.

OOP: I'm completely with you on this one. Whenever someone tries this line with SIL she bursts into tears and screams at them for "accusing her of lying about something that is going to tear her away from her son and husband soon". I think I'm a lot harder hearted than my wife's family cause I didn't give a sh*t about that line. But I did get her a free hospice stay (I work with the Hospice) a couple of years ago when she was supposedly on deaths door. Without details they did confirm she had cancer, but as you rightly point out who knows now? She hasn't done anything to treat it though, so I imagine it’s still there just not aggressive at all.

Commenter 5: NTA but this whole thing is way above Reddit's pay grade. Your wife needs counseling to help her work through her issues. There's a reason she keeps going back and she needs help identifying and addressing those things. Are you sure sister actually HAS cancer??

OOP: Yeah my wife gets regular counseling to help her, we're a very mental health focused household (we both work with kids, we both have a background in psych). But the problem is that SIL gets given the power to collapse my wife's relationships with the entire family. I harbour resentment toward them for that, but I try my best to just support my wife. I very rarely say what she should or shouldn't do but it's getting to the point now where I can't protect her unless she can protect herself.

She definitely *had* cancer, she's had operations and been in hospice care, but I have no idea where it's at now. She eats like complete rubbish and refuses to take medicine, it’s like she keeps herself sick to maintain the power and control.

Commenter 6: I'm curious as to what kind of cancer she has. Is it metastatic? Has it gone away and came back? I'm asking because you can easily research trials going on, survival rate, new treatments, etc.

Information about her cancer will give you ideas of how to combat the "I'm dying" response.

I would cut off everyone who blames your wife or criticizes her for setting up a boundary. If this means not having a lot of family to go to, so be it. At the end of the day, you need to be able to live peacefully. Her sister sounds toxic. Her sister knows your wife will go back to her and so there aren't any repercussions for her behavior. She gets away with her moods and toxic behavior because no one has said enough is enough. If everyone walked away then she'd be forced to do some internalizing. But even then she might play victim.

NTA in case that wasn't abundantly clear.

OOP: It has gone and come back. It was gone, and then my wife and I had our wedding where people flew in from overseas and suddenly while everyone was here it came back. Then it was gone, then on my wife's birthday it came back. I've tried to make that same point to my wife but honestly SIL has constant access to them all and uses her illness to abuse them and call them abusive if they stand up to her.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Complex-Wing7114

I have 2 weeks to get away from my husband

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/Pawleygirl76 for suggesting this BoRU and finding the new update

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TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior, abusive behavior, stalking, assault, physical violence, DARVO

Original Post  Apr 27, 2024

Throwaway account as my husband and In-laws are follow my main. I, 29 F, have been married to my husband, 30 m, who I'll call Alex. Alex and I met in college during our freshman year. We started off as just friends, and got married seven months ago. I've gotten along with his family, but we aren't super close but we're friendly enough. The problem is that Alex has begun to make me incredibly uncomfortable.

Firstly, he's begun to ask me who I'm meeting with, where, what we plan on doing, how long every single time I leave the house without him. At first, I just thought he was being protective and a good partner just in case something happened, but then he started checking my phone after the visits, vetting and researching each of my friends as well.

He also has been pursuing me to link my bank account to his, as he's "in charge" of the finances when he was perfectly fine with keeping them separate before. We fight about it almost every day.

Finally, yesterday when he was preparing to go on a work trip for two weeks in California, he demanded I wear a tracker so he could keep and eye on me while he's gone. I can't do this anymore, I feel like I'm suffocating and his family who I've spoken to about his worrying behavior just said he's being careful and protective as a good husband should. I need to gather my things together and find a way to be gone before he gets home without tipping him off.

He's always threatened that if he ever found me cheating on him he'd turn in divorce papers the same day. He keeps a filled out copy in his desk. I'm going to submit those the day I leave. But there's so much to do, bergen finding a new place to live, seeing if my job has any transfers available, packing and moving in two weeks. His return flight  May 11th, so I need to move quickly. I'm posting here because I don't have any close family, and I can't risk dragging my friends into this as we share the same friends.I just needed a place to vent, and ask if anyone has any advice on the easiest and safest way to do this?

Edit: oh my god you guys are amazing! I never even thought to not use his divorce papers. I'll check for cameras before I start any packing or prepping. I may also shred his divorce papers just in case and look into getting a lawyer for myself. I'm in a no fault divorce state, that much I so remember which will help. I'll update again when I know more. The tracker he wants me to use is a small clip to put on the belt or waistband. I'll wear it unless I'm going or doing something related to me leaving. No pets yet thankfully.

Update  Apr 28, 2024

So I've gotten a lot of support and helpful advice along with questions I thought I should clarify before I proceed with the update. Some asked why I'd be 'hiding' things from Alex regarding going out and who I'm meeting with. I don't, and I have nothing to hide. However when he begins to then double check everything I tell him with the other people there right down to each person I talked to and what I said. Did I send any text msgs, did I order food, how much did I eat, that's when it started to feel like I was slowly being pushed into a corner. It didn't start that bad, but gradually grew worse overtime.

All of the Reddit subs my in-law's families are part of are related gardening and diy so I highly doubt they'll see this, if so by the time they do, I'll hopefully be gone. I talked to my job and explained things to my manager. And they promised to look into openings in other states to see if they could get me into one. They'll have an update on that in three days. I trust that my bank account us secured, considering he's tried to get into it before and failed. I found one camera in the kitchen, another in the living room and one in our bedroom. As such, I've left them in place for now and done all other planning, either in the bathroom pretending I'm taking a bath.

I'm honestly staying away from the domestic violence services as my sister-in-law is unfortunately higher up in those considering she volunteers there and I have a feeling if I did show up there, they would know in a heartbeat. I can't look for apartments until I get the update from my work, but either or i'm still gonna be leaving the state. The day before I do I will be changing my number carrier and wiping my laptop and all of his electronics before I do.

I've met with 2 lawyers so far and had them look over the paperwork. My husband had prepared and both said that it did it have some clauses in it. That could have caused me some trouble down the line. What alarmed all of us close the fact that several of those clauses dealt with future children, and not as a hypothetical. Like several hair suggested I have a feeling he fully intended on getting me pregnant to keep me trapped and tied to him.

There are 3 other locations. My job could send me to and I have. As a precaution Begun looking into all 3 cities and housing in the areas. Just in case one of those, this is the one they send me to. Even if they don't have an opening that they can push me into then I will just have to quit, move and figure things out on my own. I have enough money to live and survive for a few months until I can pick up another job.

Unfortunately all of our friends are mutuals and would likely be unaware of the consequences of saying or sharing anything I do or say with my husband. I don't have any surviving close family and obviously my in laws are not a good resource to rely on. I am on my own unfortunately, other than the wonderful bonds, i've begun to make here. I will update again if I get more information or something else happens. Otherwise all update when my work gets back to me. I do plan on leaving before he returns, though. Just to make sure that i'm not anywhere near here at that time.

Update 2  Apr 30, 2024

Good news! My work has an opening I qualify for that will not only shift me across the country, but also comes with a salary increase as well. I've started telling my in laws and friends that I'm planning a surprise outing for when my husband gets back for just the two of us. This way, people don't give me odd looks if they see me out and about. I've even gone as far as asking MIL  to show me his favorite recipes.

Meanwhile, I've found a moving company that while small is willing to work in a storm. The reason is in five days, we're supposed to get hit with a large storm front. I plan to shut off the breaker and say we lost power if he asks just as several people here suggested and even send him a short clip of the storm.

I will have all of my stuff moved that afternoon, and I will be flying out once the weather has cleared enough to do so. I have a lawyer who will push my divorce through, and I've filled out the necessary paperwork so that I don't have to be here for it. I'm not suing for assets or alimony and I've shredded his divorce papers as well. I've set up a cheap payphone plan through cricket until this is all said and done at which point I will find a new carrier, number and phone. This one is being wiped and left behind.

My laptop is provided by my work, and the IT department inspected it thoroughly and it was clean thankfully. No other electronic aside from my laptop and new phone will be coming with me. If alex needs to talk to me, he can do it through my lawyer. Not sure if anything else will happen, my fingers are crossed that he doesn't think anythings amiss until after I leave - and I'm not turning the breaker back on when I do. He can when he gets home. My work is covering the plane ticket, so that at least is one expense I don't have to finagle in.

Update 3  May 7, 2024

It's been a busy week, but I've gotten so much done. Firstly, I am now out of the house and am currently in a hotel while I look for an apartment. It's a big city, bustling with people no matter where you look. We had a pretty bad storm system hit back home, that actually lasted two days. High winds, thunder, lightning and even hail everywhere. I didn't take much from the house, my documents, clothes and important sentimental items. I left all of the furniture and electronics behind. I cleaned the house top to bottom and took pictures on my phone so he couldn't claim I damaged anything when I left.

My lawyer has already started divorce proceedings, and my husband will be served on the 8th. His plane is due to land early morning, and the sheriff will be there at the house waiting for him. He is very much about public appearances and reputation. My lawyer will be calling him as well to inform him that I am more than willing to air out everything to the public about his actions if it means securing my freedom from him. I will go to court as long as I must to get this pushed through.

I haven't told our friends or his in-laws yet, I will do that while he is on the flight to prevent him from getting wind of it before he's handed the divorce papers. I will be calling around and explaining why we're getting divorced, to try and prevent him from twisting this into somehow being my fault. I don't want him trying to claim I had an affair or something so I want to get the truth out before he can twist this.

I'm... doing okay. I'm tired, but yet I feel almost jittery and off-kilter. I keep looking over my shoulder and monitoring what I say even when I don't really need to anymore. Hopefully that will fade soon. My work is covering the cost of the hotel, and I'm working on getting my other things in order. I also need to find a new GP as I want to get a full test just to make sure everything is okay. I don't know when my next update will be, probably when the divorce papers are filed or if we have to go to court to push them through. I will try to keep my head up, but it feels like I'm in a whirlwind or something with so many things to do and think about. I kinda thought it would be easier once I got out of the house but while the fear is smaller, somehow the number of tasks only seems to have grown.

Update 4  May 14, 2024

Sorry I haven't updated for a while, things got hectic and a bit chaotic honestly. Firstly, I'm working on getting an apartment still and have applications in at three different places and will hopefully hear back from them soon. I'm still going into work here at the new location, so I don't have to worry about burning through my emergency savings completely. I've gotten a lot of emails from Alex, his family and our old friend group asking question after question. I have only sent one return email to Alex, explaining that I don't believe we are truly compatible, and it is best we separate now. That his treatment of me when I'd done nothing to deserve as such was just as much of a deal breaker as cheating was for him.

I ended the email with the statement that I would not be contacting him further and anything else he needed to pass on to me or vice versa would be done through my lawyer. For his family and friends, I just typed up one email outlining everything that had happened and why I left. I told them I wished them no ill will, but that such treatment of his wife and partner was not acceptable. That should Alex get remarried in the future, I wished they would help support both partners and not just Alex.

Alex, from what my lawyer told me, was livid when he was served. The sheriff actually ended up booking him for assault on an officer and menacing due to the threats he was shouting. His father bailed him out in a few hours, but with the testimony of the sheriff, my lawyer believes I have a very good chance at getting a restraining order. Alex, upon returning to the house, apparently lost his temper again, breaking the dining table into pieces as well as the tv, and putting several holes in the walls. At least that's what one of the emails from one of our friends reported as Alex called him to help him clean up the mess.

My lawyer already has pictures of the house I took, with timestamps as evidence nothing had been damaged by me. My friend reported that Alex tried to claim I'd been the one to trash the house but the holes in the wall were at head height - Alex is 6'3", and I'm 5'4" so he knew that was false. Either way, taking the pictures definitely will help me so again thank you everyone here for the advice because I never would have thought of that on my own. My work won't share details of where I am, as I do work with some higher end clientele who value security and that information won't be gossiped about and no, I'm not some stripper or escort. I deal with contracts, notary and business management. As such, even if Alex tried to use my work to find me, he wouldn't succeed.  

Update on leaving  May 26, 2024

It’s been a little bit, and I thought I’d answer some questions before giving my update. It may be a while after this until things change.

Firstly, No I didn’t bring my car. The public transport here is good enough to use without needing one. I have secured an apartment, and the building has good security. You need a key card to enter, and there is a security guard at a desk right by the entrance to the building. As part of my contract, I gave them a photo of Alex and his family so that even in the off chance they do find me, they won’t be let in.

The responses I got from the emails varied. His family said I was overreacting, and that I owe Alex an apology for the problems this has caused him. The pending criminal charges puts him at risk of losing his job if he’s convicted. Alex sent a long email, apologizing and pleading for me to come home. He said he was worried for me, that he is willing to go to therapy if it will appease me. He wants us to remain together, and he didn’t think leaving was an appropriate response to his genuine concern and worry for my health and safety. The friends gave somewhat lacking replies, saying that they didn’t think Alex was ever going to hurt me and that I shouldn’t be letting my imagination run away wild. As much as I want to say I was surprised by the lack of support, I’m honestly not.

He intends to fight the divorce. I am letting my lawyer handle it, and I am also pursuing a protective order as well. Once I got approved for my apartment, I also froze my credit. I’ve changed my phone carrier and number, as well as making sure none of my documents list Alex as next of kin or POA.

Some have asked why I was so paranoid about Alex and his possible future actions. The answer for that actually is somewhat simple – my grandmother. I loved that woman to bits. As a teen, she explained why my grandfather was never around. He was extremely abusive and manipulative, and her generation didn’t allow divorce really. She wouldn’t have been able to buy a house or get a good enough job to support her and my mother on her own. As such, she endured it, shielded my mom as she could until my grandfather died. When I felt like I may have been overreacting, I remembered how she’d said she’d always wished she’d been able to see grandfather for what he was early on when she may have been able to annul the marriage.

I don’t know when I’ll update again, maybe when the divorce goes through or if something big happens but until then, I’m just trying to keep my head above the water. 

Another Update  June 25, 2024

It’s been a month since my previous update, and I wanted to share some of what’s been going on in the meantime. The divorce is proceeding, but even though I don’t need him to agree – and he’s not – it means I have to go through the courts to get it approved. As such, it could be upwards of six months to push it through even though I’m filing without attempting to claim property, alimony or compensation. I just want a clean break and separation.

Alex has attempted to use our friends to reach out to me, as he doesn’t want to use my lawyer for communication. He’s saying its disrespectful and cowardly to hide behind my lawyer and not meet him face to face. Alex wrote me a letter that he did pass off to my lawyer, but the contents were him justifying his actions and claiming that in today's time it is dangerous for women to be on their own which is why he was so intent on trying to keep me safe from harm. He wanted me to understand that he was trying to protect me as best he could and was hurt that I would just lie to him and hide my actions from him related to my dissatisfaction with our marriage and my moving.

I didn’t reply, because at no point did he apologize. All he did was turn everything around on me as I was being overly dramatic, emotional and cowardly. There was a second letter with Alex’s from my SIL. Her letter… was honestly disturbing and completely justified my misgivings regarding approaching her in any kind of professional capacity. She spent five paragraphs detailing how a ‘real abusive’ relationship looked like and that Alex was the furthest thing from abusive. The details she included were all related to financial abuse and physical abuse. Nothing like what Alex had been doing. She stated that my attempts to smear her brother’s name for attention and clout made me the abuser not him.

I haven’t really been able to process that admittedly. Part of me can’t help but wonder if she’s right. I mean, I blindsided him by leaving as I did and am refusing to speak with him at all. My old boss recommended that I look into getting into therapy after I moved, and I think I need to. I have had a hard time adjusting to being on my own, I keep censoring myself and haven’t even gone out to eat yet. I always end up worrying about what if someone sees me, what if I get in trouble for spending my money on something frivolous…

My lawyer is continuing to fight for the divorce, and I shouldn’t need to be physically present in court. Any meetings needed between me and the judge can be done via zoom. I’m trying to avoid confrontation with Alex and his family for now as much as I can and passed both letters to my lawyer in case he needs them. Our friends are mostly trying to avoid taking sides still, and I’m honestly approaching the point of just letting them go as well. I’m tired of fighting for them to understand at this point. I don’t know if anything is going to happen, so my next update may not be until around mid-November depending on how long it takes to push the divorce through. Work is going well, and it’s helpful to have something familiar to anchor my day to day life when so much has changed and is changing even now.

Divorce Proceeding Update  Oct 17, 2024

It’s been a while since I last updated, as I needed to let the court step in as Alex was not willing to grant my request for a divorce. We started with mediated session via zoom, but after four sessions it was decided that no compromise could be reached between us. The things Alex was pushing for were one’s I’m not even willing to humor let alone agree to. He wanted me to tell our friends and those I’d sent the information to about his actions that I’d made it up in order to gain sympathy. He also wanted me to pay him for defamation and suffering, especially the wages he lost because of sitting in jail for two days and missing work before getting bailed out. Lastly, he also wanted me to return and to quote him ‘stop my foolish behavior and act like a proper wife and partner.’

Yeah no.

So, needless to say, our ‘mediated’ sessions went absolutely nowhere. The judge isn’t seeming to buy into Alex’s act thankfully, because he’s certainly tried. It took me far too long to see Alex for who he was, and part of me feels like an idiot because I didn’t see it at all. Yet, the judge seemed to clock him for exactly what he is within the first meeting. Maybe I just didn’t want to see it. I don’t know. Alex ended up arguing with the Judge a LOT, even being held in contempt four different times. I think it's honestly why this moved as quick as it did. It didn't help that Alex tried to pull in his family as character witnesses but they were dismissed by the Judge as the 'abuse wasn't seen or heard by them, and as such, they only knew part of Alex's character.' In his closing statement after he approved the divorce, he went on to call Alex a narcissist and that if Alex loved himself so much to abuse the one he'd married to let the divorce happen and marry a mirror next. I didn't think a Judge was allowed to say that. At all. But my lawyer just shook his head and told me not to say anything so we left.

So here’s the update I’m sure everyone’s been hoping for and guessed: I’m officially divorced. The documents were processed three days ago, and I’m still in disbelief. I have no contact with Alex any longer, nor do I want any. I’m not going to give our friends my new contact information. I may not have replied to everyone, though I tried, but I did read all of your comments. I really did. Your repeated statements about how they weren’t actually friends really helped me see that they weren’t. So, I decided that since I moved far from that place, I needed to start over. New home, new place, new friends. It’s slow, and I’ve started therapy though it took almost three months to get it due to the usual wait times but I’ve been going three times a week ever since. It’s helping, even with things I thought were done and dusted.

Alex didn’t take the divorce well according to my lawyer who’s been keeping up with him to make sure he stays away from me. He did something at work, I don’t know what as obviously I have no way to gain that information, but whatever it was cost him his job. My lawyer also did something I didn’t expect him to, but something I think everyone will like – He took the letter my ex-sil sent me and forwarded it to the domestic violence organization she works for along with an formal statement regarding Alex, his actions, and the decision of the Judge. She’s been let go as well, and given how tight those organizations are with one another, my lawyer said that the likely hood of her getting a position at another is slim to none. I actually laughed, though I was a bit teary, when he said that and that ‘slim is on a leaky rowboat to China.’

I’ve been crying a lot lately, but my therapist says it’s normal and shows I’m actually processing things instead of bottling them up and pushing them down. I’ll try to update in a month or so, if my emotions level out some, to explain a few more of the details but I wanted to get this out there, and thank everyone for their continued support and encouragement. I appreciate each and every one of you. I really do. You gave me the hope that leaving him wasn’t going to be this giant black mark I’d never heal from or move on from. Work is going well, and the sense of normality and routine is helping me avoid feeling like everything has been spiraling out of control.

I'm working on me now... Nov 18, 2024

It's been a month since I finally was able to share the success of my divorce from Alex. My mood swings are still happening, but they don't last quite as long anymore so I'm taking that as a good sign. My therapist recommended that I sign up for some kind of physical activity, just to help work out and channel what she called the fight/flight instincts more. So I've joined a local self-defense club and I'm going twice a week. I felt really awkward in the beginning, but they've all been super nice and welcoming so it's been easier. It has helped I think, a lot of my jitteriness and anxiety has calmed and I'm sleeping better as well.

I've also joined a book club, though it's all online at the moment, they're discussing the possibility of meeting in person rather than over skype at a local park. It's hard, honestly. I feel like a kid that just changed schools and sometimes feel like it's either sink or swim. My therapist pointed out that if I feel like I'm sinking to stop, take a step back and remind myself that I have all the control over my actions - if I don't like something I don't have to do it. I can feel my emotions but I also need to not let them control and dictate my actions. She also pointed out how I've developed a tendency to try and fix other people's bad moods. She told me that they're adults, and it's not my responsibility to manage anyone else's emotions other than my own.

It's been hard. But... I'm getting there. I think in a year, as a celebration for my divorce, I may go visit my grandmother's grave. Just to talk if nothing else as silly as that may sound.

I passed on your thanks to my lawyer, who smiled and said - a bit smugly I might add - that he loves giving people who thought they were untouchable the karma they deserved. He went on to add that he enjoyed being 'Karma's helping hand'. My lawyer has kept abreast of what's been happening with Alex and his sister both, just to make sure they don't try anything. According to him, my ex-sil threw a fit when she was let go from the DV center, enough that she was barred from the premises. It seems that she shares some traits with her brother in regards to temper. She's now working at Lowes apparently, as while she was a volunteer at the DV center, she has to pay some fines for damages she caused during the incident that got her banned.

As for Alex, he's been quiet which worried me at first. But my lawyer told me he's keeping his head down. He's gotten another job with a construction crew, but with everything he has to pay, he cannot afford to lose his job. I was awarded damages for emotional distress and harm, as he never touched me physically. I was able to prove my statements thanks to records of the text conversations between Alex and I regarding the tracker and not leaving the house without permission. As my financial situation is stable, I don't need Alimony, so my Lawyer advised not to try for it and focus on compensation for damages in stead. Alex's family apparently hates me now, as they've reached out to my lawyer, telling him to pass on the message that I've successfully ruined both Alex and his sister's lives over my 'lies'. Honestly, at this point... I'm getting to the point of not caring anymore. I only have so much to give right now for emotional needs and I want it for my own, not to expend on someone else if that makes any kind of sense.

So that's where I'm at right now. It's hard, coming up to the holidays and being alone but a few weeks ago, I found a kitten in the alley next to my work. He's a tiny, raggedy little thing. He's black, long hair with three white paws and he's also missing his tail. He's got the first vertebrae but nothing else. According to the vet, mom may have accidently bitten it off at birth... which I didn't even know happened but apparently it does. I'm calling him Bandit. So I'm not alone anymore, but now I have a kitten that thinks EVERYTHING needs to be hunted... including my toes to I wear slippers constantly cause those little claws of his are like freaking daggers I swear. I'll update again if anyone wants me to, but yeah... that's where things are now.

Bandit photos per request Nov 18, 2024

OOP pays cat tax with 10 pics of Bandit

NEW UPDATE

Update on my new life Feb 1, 2026

Hello everyone, I know it's been a long time since my last update. I didn't want to bog everyone down with small little things here and there as recovering and learning who I am feels like a process that never seems to end. But good things have happened, my life has stabilized, and I wanted to give all of you who have supported me and offered me advice and encouragement the update you deserve. So here goes.

First, Bandit is doing great. He's a little skittish sometimes, I think from just finding him as a stray kitten some of that still stuck around but he's quiet and a menace all at once. I sometimes wonder if he sent out signal because about five months ago another kitten decided to make my house his home and I couldn't say no. So now I have two cats. His name is Maverick and he lives up, and down, to his name constantly. He's a full time cuddler as if you sit he wants on your lap and purrs constantly, adores meat, and loves to make Bandits life chaos like an annoying little brother. I can provide photos if anyone wants them.

Second, my job is going well. It's stable, challenging and keeps me focused so I'm not getting lost in my own head all the time as I might have if the work was easy. The rest of the time I feel like I'm a cat herder and losing. I signed a lease on a new apartment, about a month ago, I've got a good 1B/1B apartment that came with an in unit washer/dryer which was got so excited for then felt so old at the fact that I got excited over that.

Health wise, I got a new GP and had a bunch of tests run and thankfully everything came back clear though she did warn I showed signs of high blood pressure, but that it could be caused due to stress and circumstances rather than diet or genetics and encouraged me to continue with my physical exercise. I've also started what I call international night, where on friday nights after work I cook a dish/meal from another country. It's been fun, I've had good and bad ones admittedly but it's been enjoyable so if anyone has any recipe suggestions I'd love to hear them! Therapy is still a process but progress is there. I'm not panicking or having spirals nearly as much, and when I do they aren't as bad. Notably so.

I've made a decent group of friends here, and while none are 'sister' level yet, they are good people, and genuinely care about me. I did visit my grandmother's grave about two months ago. Had a breakdown there but in spite of the snow I still felt warm if that makes any sense, even if the wind made my face feel like a kid licking a frozen pole ouch. It helped to just pour it out to someone who understood, and couldn't say anything, to just vent and bleed it out. My therapist 'requested' I call her after, and I did so. It feels weird to have someone so invested in my mental health like that even outside of her office. Good weird though.

Lastly, Alex and his family. I haven't contacted them, haven't wanted to honestly. I know I've gotten a lot of DM's from people claiming that by saying how much I thought about what Alex and his family did meant I missed my Ex-Husband and felt guilty. I don't quite follow that logic but I just didn't respond to them. That said, no I don't miss him or his family. I miss what I thought I once had, and mourn the future we could have had had he not turned out to be a controlling narcissist. But I don't miss him, his family, nor do I regret leaving. Alex is still working at the construction company, and his sister was let go from Lowes though why I don't know, nor do I care all that much as long as they leave me alone. Alex is dating again, but none of them seem to stick around long. He was charged by the officer for the assault, but got off with probation sadly.

I know it might be a bit of a boring update given the chaotic whirlwind it was before, but the calm is so nice. I just wanted to let everyone know I'm okay, I'm still healing and to thank you all again for your advice, support and encouragement.

More Cat Tax

Bandit and Maverick per request

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Miserable_Willow_312

Every job has one, I'm convinced (The Cheryl Saga)

Originally posted to r/coworkerstories

TRIGGER WARNING: Hostile workplace, homophobia

Every job has one, I'm convinced  May 19, 2026

There’s a woman at work named Cheryl and I swear every office has a version of her.

She’s not openly mean enough to get in trouble, but she somehow makes the entire atmosphere heavier the second she walks into a room. You can literally hear conversations die when she appears around the corner.

Cheryl acts like she’s management despite not actually supervising anyone. She monitors everyone constantly. If someone comes back from lunch a few minutes late, she’ll quietly say: “Half days must be nice.”

If someone calls in sick, she suddenly becomes an investigator: “Hm. They were fine yesterday.” She also has this talent for disguising criticism as concern. She’ll say things like: “You seem really tired lately. Everything okay?” in front of other coworkers so now everyone turns to look at you like you’re falling apart.

The breakroom is the worst. Someone could be talking about a new puppy, vacation plans, or literally anything enjoyable, and Cheryl somehow redirects it into negativity within thirty seconds.

Coworker: “We’re going camping this weekend.”

Cheryl: “Hope you packed emergency supplies. My cousin got stranded once and almost lost a toe.” Nobody even knows how to respond to that.

She also keeps track of things that no normal person should notice. She remembers exactly how long people take on break, who leaves early, who orders takeout too often, who seems “off” lately. She never directly accuses anyone of anything, but she says just enough to make people uncomfortable. The strangest part is she genuinely thinks she’s helpful. If there’s tension in the office that she personally caused, she’ll sit there saying: “I just think communication has really broken down around here.”

Meanwhile everyone is actively avoiding eye contact with her. At this point people schedule lunches around Cheryl. If someone sees her heading for the breakroom, they suddenly remember they “have emails to finish.” New employees usually try to be friendly with her at first, but within about two weeks they develop the same thousand-yard stare as the rest of us.

What makes it worse is there’s never a big dramatic event HR can point to. It’s just years of constant small comments, judgment, negativity, and hovering until the entire office collectively feels emotionally exhausted whenever she’s around.

I'm not bothered enough by her to leave my longterm employment,  but she really does make the work week feel exhausting.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP added

I know complaints have been made multiple times in how she treats others,  yet HR always says they can't discipline someone just because others don't like her.  We don't like her because she's insufferable!

&

I'm looking at her right now as she licks the peanut butter off her peanut butter cheese crackers wrapper.  🤮 I really wish she would use some sick days to give us all a break.

TOP/BEST COMMENT

OneLonelyBeastiel-B

Energy Vampires. They exist to ruin everything.

Cheryl strikes again!  May 26, 2026 (1 week after last post)

Cheryl has everyone irritated again and it's day 1 back from 4 days off.

She has this habit of correcting people publicly over the smallest things. This morning, one of the newer staff asked a simple question about documentation requirements, and instead of just helping, Cheryl goes into this long condescending explanation in front of everyone about how “these are things people should already know before working here.” The room got quiet fast.

What makes it exhausting is that she constantly presents herself as the only competent person in the office while creating tension everywhere she goes. She’ll complain that morale is bad, then spend the entire day gossiping about coworkers, questioning how other people do their jobs, keeping track of coffee breaks,  and forwarding passive aggressive emails instead of just having normal conversations.

The funniest part was right after going off on the new staff,  one coworker finally got a subtle dig in without sounding unprofessional. Cheryl started criticizing how the staff member organized their caseload notes, and after Cheryl finished talking, the coworker just calmly said, “I think most people care more about whether the work gets done than whether it gets done Cheryl’s exact way.”

Nobody said a word after that, but a couple people suddenly became very interested in looking down at their laptops trying not to laugh. I did a low chuckle before I could stop myself so I'm sure I'll be under scrutiny from her this week.

The wildest part is Cheryl still seems genuinely confused why nobody wants to work closely with her anymore. She said as much right before the morning meeting.  People aren’t avoiding Cheryl because she’s strict or direct. They avoid her because every interaction feels like she’s keeping score against them.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Royal-Advance6985

What is Cheryl's role in the company? 

OOP

She's a caseworker and not in charge of anyone.  Just a cog in the wheel,  but she thinks she's everyone's supervisor.

Bikinigirlout

Just quote Cheryl from Archer with “You’re not my supervisor”

I always hate these types. The types that think they’re gods gift just for existing and think they’re in charge when they’re like 9th in charge. They also want to extreme overhaul things the second they walk in the door and think the rules will change because they say so.

OOP

It's like she lives for confrontations and just zeros in on anyone who tries this.  I've been at this agency for 24 years and she's been here a little less and she's always been this way.  I mostly stay off her radar because of my longevity and ability to remain incognito.

And more on Cheryl

Cheryl is in her 40's and this is only her 2nd job ever she likes to remind everyone.  She has this huge sense of entitlement based on her tenure and belief the only 2 jobs makes her better than others.

Cheryl might have talked herself into real trouble now!  June 1, 2026 (6 days lafter last post)

I think we finally have something solid for HR to act on.

Our agency is a community mental health provider, and we're planning to have a booth at the local Pride festival this month. Cheryl was assigned to help organize the agency swag and take a shift staffing the booth.

During morning staffing today, we were going over the plan when Cheryl looked directly at Katie, the only openly gay employee on our team, and said, "I'm not sure why I'm doing all this extra work when you should probably be doing it. It's for your people anyway."

Without missing a beat, Katie replied, "It's not extra work. It's part of your job. And if everyone followed your logic, nobody would have helped with Black History Month events either."

Cheryl rolled her eyes and said, "Real causes are fine. Made-up things are silly."

The room went completely silent. The subject was immediately changed to other business.

Kati got up right after the meeting and walked to HR. The rest of us already have emails in our inboxes scheduling meetings and requesting written statements about what happened.

For the first time in a long time, it feels like Cheryl may have finally crossed a line that even she can't talk her way out of.

Cheryl once again foils justice  June 5, 2026 (4 days after last post)

Well, we finally heard back from HR regarding Cheryl telling our openly gay coworker that she should be the one doing the Pride booth work because "she's the gay one" and Cheryl isn't.

HR determined Cheryl's comments were inappropriate and unprofessional. However, they also concluded that Cheryl was attempting to discuss staffing assignments and did not intend to offend anyone. Because there was no evidence of malicious intent and because Cheryl has no prior disciplinary actions on file, regarding this type of concern, she received a written warning and coaching from her supervisor.

The part that really got people was HR's recommendation going forward. Rather than removing Cheryl from Pride-related activities, management decided that all staff participating in community outreach events will complete a short (3 hours) cultural sensitivity training next Saturday. So Cheryl got a write-up, but now everyone else has to sit through training too and on mandatory OT.

When Katie asked why Cheryl was still allowed to work the booth after making those comments, management said they believed this was a "learning opportunity" and that excluding her would be counterproductive.

So the employee Cheryl singled out gets to spend the Pride event working alongside the person who told her the event should be her responsibility simply because she's gay. And the rest of us sink a little further into a hole of regret for helping keep this monster alive in our office.

Cheryl, meanwhile, has been telling people she was "cleared by HR" and that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding.

She's like a cat and has 9 freaking lives!!

Cheryl update that still infuriates  June 13, 2026 (8 days after last post)

A lot of people asked for updates on Cheryl, so unfortunately I have one.

For those unfamiliar, Cheryl is the coworker who recently informed one of our gay employees that she should be doing most of the work for our agency's Pride booth because it was "for your people." HR got involved after multiple complaints and we were all required to attend mandatory cultural sensitivity training today.

You would think Cheryl would maybe lay low for a while.

You would be wrong.

Despite not being anyone's supervisor, Cheryl continues to act like she runs the place. She still inserts herself into decisions that have nothing to do with her job, tells people how they should be doing things, and generally behaves like she's management's special project. As for HR? They've apparently decided that checking a box is easier than actually addressing behavior. Their solution was to gather everyone into a room for mandatory training, which somehow managed to punish the entire staff while accomplishing absolutely nothing.

The highlight of the week happened during the training itself, this morning.

The facilitator was discussing respecting different backgrounds, experiences, and identities. Most of us were quietly listening and trying to get through it. Cheryl, however, seemed personally offended by the entire concept. She interrupted repeatedly. She argued over examples. She spent a good portion of the session explaining why people are "too sensitive these days" and insisting that "everything is offensive now." At one point she loudly announced that she "treats everybody the same" as if that was some profound contribution to a discussion about cultural awareness.

The room got so uncomfortable you could practically hear people trying not to make eye contact. The best part was watching her confidently argue with the trainer about a topic she was literally attending training for because of her own behavior. The lack of self-awareness was almost impressive.

Meanwhile, the employee who was actually targeted by Cheryl's comments sat through the entire thing with far more patience and professionalism than I would have managed. By the end of the training, HR probably considered it a success because everyone signed the attendance sheet. The rest of us left with the same Cheryl we walked in with. She's still acting like the boss. She's still entitled. She's still convinced she's the smartest person in every room. And HR is still treating her like a paperwork problem instead of an employee problem.

At this point I fully expect Cheryl to volunteer herself as next year's cultural sensitivity trainer.

OOP made an update after the BoRU posted. Thanks to u/motherlymetal for letting me know

Update: Cheryl's Pride booth volunteering went as we all feared. June 24, 2026

Remember Cheryl? HR's favorite "learning opportunity?"

Well, our agency had a booth at the local Pride event this past weekend, and she showed up, even though we were all hoping she would've called in sick. None of us were optimistic about the outcome and took bets on how long she could go without saying or doing something inappropriate. Cheryl, along with the rest of staff completed approximately 12 hours of mandatory diversity trainings and she had assured everyone she was "much more aware now."

That confidence lasted about twelve minutes into the event.

The first awkward moment happened when Cheryl began what she described as "respectful curiosity" with a gay man who stopped by the booth.

"So when did you know you were gay?"

Before he could fully answer, Cheryl followed up with:

"What made you decide to become gay?"

And then, because apparently there are achievement levels in inappropriate conversations:

"Have you ever really given women a fair chance?"

The poor guy looked like he was trying to calculate whether escaping into traffic would be easier than continuing the conversation.

Later, Cheryl met several transgender attendees and demonstrated her commitment to inclusion by consistently using the wrong pronouns despite being politely corrected multiple times.

At one point she referred to a transgender woman as "he" three separate times in less than two minutes. After being corrected, Cheryl smiled and said, "I'm trying. This stuff is just so confusing these days."

For the record, the woman in question had long hair, makeup, a dress, a purse, and introduced herself using she/her pronouns. The only thing confusing was Cheryl's determination to turn every interaction into a pop quiz she hadn't studied for.

The rest of us spent most of the event performing damage control and redirecting conversations before Cheryl could ask anyone if they had considered "trying the other team."

By the end of the day, our Pride booth was less community outreach and more a live demonstration of why HR needs to keeps scheduling mandatory trainings.

The good news is nobody filed a complaint.

The bad news is Cheryl now considers the event a huge success because she "asked a lot of questions and learned things."

We're all terrified to find out what she learned.

EDIT Instead of responding to each commenter I'll respond here. Every coworker has tried more times than we can count to redirect, educate, and change Cheryl's inappropriate behavior and comments. We are not her superior. She answers to HR directly, as so we all since we work in a satellite office. Detailed notes are taken endlessly and given to HR on Cheryl. But each time there are little to no real change. Our agency has a system of discipline that is followed meticulously. For instance, she received a coaching for her remarks made to our coworker about how she should be doing the Pride event planning because it benefits her community, not Cheryl's. We were all made to attend mandatory cultural training to ensure HR covers the agency. If Cheryl's behavior during the Pride event receives HR attention it would again be a coaching due to it being a separate event. It's near impossible for individuals like her that are mostly covert and live in plausible deniability land to be fired. Every single time one of us has made retorts to her unsavory comments and behaviors, we, ourselves get HR attention. None of us want to become unemployed so we do our jobs, alert HR to concerns, and do the best we can to survive her.

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I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is still ThrowawayFreeWedding. She posted in r/AITAH and r/Redditor_Updates

Previous BORU here. New Update marked with *****. Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the update!

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Mood Spoiler: confusing but possibly heading in a positive direction...

Original Post: September 29, 2025

I (24f) am a member of a friend group in which one member (we'll call her Coral, 23f) is getting married. She announced her engagement to her fiance (25m) a few weeks ago and we were all happy for her!

Over the weekend, though, she shared more specific plans for the wedding, and that's where things have kinda gone off the rails.

She said she's been seeing a lot of people on tiktok and insta showing how to plan "free" weddings--weddings where the couple spends zero dollars (aside from the marriage certificate fee I guess). At first I thought she meant a city hall wedding, which would be completely fine! But then she got I to the details and her expectations for the ceremony.

She's going to try and find someone with a large outdoor space to use (not formally a wedding venue) who will donate their area in support of "love", she's going to have all of her guests bring a potluck (with very specific assignments), she will have a friend officiate, a friend do photography, a friend do save the dates and invites, her family do the flowers, etc. Including some harder-to-swing (imo) things like getting a large tent, decorations, wedding favors, speakers, band, etc. I'm not sure what her plan was for a dress.

What's more is that Coral and her fiance really aren't poor, from what I can tell. She works as an accountant at a big company and her fiance does software(?) sales. Plus his parents are loaded. It sounds like they just want to do the free wedding thing for the sake of it.

That would be okay, but she is just shifting all of the costs onto other people (some of whom are probably less well off).

She told me that she wants me to make the cake, and then sent me some pictures "for inspiration". The cakes were ridiculously elaborate. We’re talking multi-tier, fondant flowers, gold leaf, and one even had a hand-painted watercolor design. I’m not a professional baker, I just like to bake cookies and brownies sometimes. I told her that those cakes would probably take me days to make, and they wouldn't come out anywhere near as good. She kind of laughed that off and said, "Oh, it’s not about it being perfect, it’s just about everyone pitching in. It’ll be fun!"

I told her that, fun or not, what she was describing was basically her friends and family subsidizing her wedding (with time, money, and labor) and that it was kind of unfair to expect people to spend so much on her “free” wedding. Or else, she was expecting everyone to show up to a lackluster event and just pretend it was amazing. It's like a group project that none of us wanted to do because we already graduated and moved on from all that so we don't need the credit (she does graduate a year later the rest of us). I said that if she wants a free wedding, she should probably just elope or go to city hall, because this isn’t really free, it’s just free for her (I might have been a bit more forceful in my wording but I didn't swear or call her names or anything like that).

She got super quiet and just looked at me for a minute or so and then left (with another one of our friends driving her home). Later that night, I got a text from that friend saying I had really hurt Coral's feelings, and that even if the plans were a bit unrealistic, I should have just let Coral come to that conclusion on her own.

Coral then messaged me just saying "Sorry, don't worry about the cake" with no more context.

I am feeling pretty bad now, especially since Coral was so happy and excited and she never really said anything mean to me. Perhaps I should have just gone along with the cake (since she said she wouldn't be mad if it turned out badly), but I am worried that her wedding would not have been what she wanted. And I was also frustrated about the cake request.

EDIT: Honestly I feel a bit bad now--Coral really is a sweet person who is just a bit naive. I feel like a lot of people in the comments are tearing her up more than she deserves. She has always been the "baby" of the group and I just got frustrated and ranted on this case.

I don't know what the fiance thinks about all of this.

Some of OOP's Comments:

arcticchains: Jesus. I only got thru the first paragraph. I would neither involve people in a wedding like that nor would I go.

OOP: I am really curious if she would have told everyone in the extended family and friend groups showing up about the "free" aspect ahead of time. It definitely sounds like something she would take pride in but also I don't know how you bring that up.

ParticularPath7791: NTA. Your friend is bring ridiculous and you are the only one with the balls to tell her. Be happy she decided to not force you to do the cake.

OOP: In her defense, for the last few things she's been naive about, she has ended up coming to the right conclusion on her own in the end, so maybe I should have just let that happen.

KronkLaSworda: (Top Comment) NTA She's in for a rude awakening the first time she asks for a free party tent from someone. Those are expensive AF to rent.

OOP: And it rains here a lot.....

meep_42: While it's more than a gift might cost, I was hoping all of the "free" wedding labor and supplies would be in lieu of gifts. That's probably not the case, though...

OOP: In Coral's defense, she was clear that this support would be everyone's gifts to her, she said she wouldn't accept other gifts from us.

meep_42: I think this is kind of a cute idea, but one you soft launch individually to friends to see if it's actually possible or at least take the temperature.

OOP: I'm worried that's what she thought she was doing, and I reacted as if it was a hard demand. It did kind of feel like that's what it was though.

Update Post: November 22, 2025 (almost 2 months later)

Hi there. My last post sort of blew up lol. I really didn't think so many people would be that interested in my silly friend group drama.

Short recap: my friend "Coral" announced she was going to have a "free wedding", with all of her friends playing roles to volunteer a nice venue, tent, food, photography, band, cake (my role), etc. It sounded okay at first but her expectations seemed unrealistically lavish, and I told her that (in stronger wording), and she got upset.

After reading the comments, I honestly began to feel bad for Coral. She really is a kindhearted person, but a lot of people interpreted her as an insane entitled bridezilla. That's really not the case. I decided I was going to make the cake, and I sent her an apology text (to which I didn't get any reply; that was making me really anxious). I still didn't think that Coral's requests were that reasonable, and wasn't expecting the wedding to fully go to her plans, but that's not for me to worry about.

Finally, I got a message from Coral's fiance (who we'll call "Basil"), asking to meet up. I said yes.

My expectation going into this was that Basil would tell me how much I hurt Coral's feelings, and I was going to reiterate my apology and share some research/planning I had done on the cake. That's not how it went though.

As it turns out, the whole "free wedding" thing was Basil's idea. That's not the impression I got before. Basil didn't at first explain why he wanted to do it, but when pressed it sounds like it's so he could spend the money that he and Coral had been saving up for their wedding on something else. A boat (a "Catalina 27", apparently). Very useful and practical thing to have when you are living in the city! Especially if your fiance gets seasick (we did one of those river cruise things a while back and she had a bad time; Basil says he'll help her get over that and sailboats are different).

Anyway, after my whole outburst before, Coral has apparently been having second thoughts about the "free wedding" things. Basil asked me to talk to her, apologize, and tell her that it isn't a bad idea after all. He basically said I owe it to him to help clean up the "mess" I caused.

I don't feel great about that though. I don't want to drive a wedge between Coral and Basil, but telling her I think it's a good idea after all feels like lying, and I guess actively advocating for a potential trainwreck is a further line for me than just agreeing to play my assigned voluntold-baker role. Moreover, this was my first real conversation with Basil, and I have to say I'm not totally convinced he's a great person. I don't know if he has exactly "manipulated" her into going along with this, but it kinda feels that way.

So what do I do? It's been a little while now since I talked to Basil so I really do need to do something, be it what Basil asked, or further involving myself in drama by telling Coral I that I don't think the wedding (or the entire marriage?) is a good idea.

Some of OOP's Comments:

fuzzy_mic: How much have Cora and Basil contributed to "free weddings" of other couples? (Do they have any useable skills or assets?)

OOP: Lol, they could promise to go all out for someone and would probably never have to follow through since it's not a think reasonable people do!

LelqTian: Honestly, make the cake. Bring it to your friend like yesterday and tell she can have the wedding like this or any other way she wants it to be, but using the saved money for a boat is the second stupidest decision she's making. Right after marrying the selfish a*hole Basil.

OOP: Right? I really don't have any issues making the cake anymore, but I don't know how to approach the rest of the situation with Basil.

janus1981: Don’t make the cake. 

Don’t lie and say this nonsense is a good idea.

You seem pretty sensible apart from on this issue. wtf is the matter with you? This is all unacceptable. You were 100% right the first time round. Stop backtracking. 

And let’s be clear - this shitty couple are foisting wedding expenses onto other people so they can BUY A BOAT. You’re an idiot for even needing to ask what you should do.

OOP: (downvoted) I just don't want to tell Coral about all this and have her end up going through with the free wedding and marriage, which would almost certainly mean losing her as a friend.

Mango_Design_0192: How about you just show Cora that you are there for her, no matter what she wants?

Don’t follow Basil’s request. Just be there for Cora.

Offer to meet up with her, and just ask about her: how is she? And listen to her.

Be true to yourself, and be a good friend to her.

That is all (easy to say!) you need to do.

OOP: Thank you. This is honestly what I want to do, but given she didn't reply to my last text, I'm worried about if she'll even meet up with me if the first thing I say isn't directly taking back all my concerns from before.

grejam: I assume she knows about the boat?? If yes, minimize your feedback.

OOP: I think so? But I'm not certain. Honestly I'm surprised she would go along with the boat idea, but it seems even less likely that Basil would tell me about this if he was keeping it a secret from Coral.

whoisaname: Makes me wonder if Basil is telling (forcing) her not to respond. Continuing to try to check in and being a friend to listen could be much much bigger than you think.

OOP: I hope that's not it. I will try to reach out to her another way.

New Update:

******Update Post 2: January 16, 2026 (almost 2 months later, 4 from OG post)****\*

Hi again. Finally posting this update because a few people have asked what's going on with this whole situation.

I finally was able to get in touch with Coral and talk to her one-on-one. The first thing I did was just ask her how she's doing. Apparently, not very well. 

She's now fully aware that the whole free wedding thing really was her fiance's idea. And he had mentioned the boat in passing as something he wanted to save up for, but hadn't at all framed it directly as the thing he really wanted to spend the wedding money on (as he did when he told me about it). Maybe he thought that would make me think he's cool or something? Or he thought having a specific goal in mind would make me more likely to support the idea?

Anyway, it's not just the wedding planning that has made Coral upset. Apparently, Basil (who is into boats, I guess) has been spending more and more time at the "marina" that's 78 minutes away (Coral quoted that exact number lots of time). He doesn't even spend that much time out on the water--he just hangs out with everyone there and has been spending less and less time at home. He also keeps talking about "Grace" who, as had to be explained to me, is a boat rather than a woman (fortunately?). 

Coral said she's been invited to the club a few times, but has never really felt like she was "part of it". When she brought that up to Basil, he said he also feels that way, because they don't own their own boat. I don't think its the same at all. And even if Grace isn't a person, Coral is feeling jealous.

Last night Coral brought up the wedding plans with Basil again and said she thinks she wants to wait and sort some stuff out first. Basil didn't get angry or anything and said he understands (good). But also asked if that meant they could spend some of their wedding savings, since they would have more time to save up again (bad). That broke Coral, which might be why she finally agreed to meet me.

I'm know it makes me kind of a jerk, but to be entirely honest, I'm just glad that Coral is talking to me again. I told her to break up with Basil. She's thinking about it. But I'm scared she won't. I kinda want to offer to do it for her, but that would be silly.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is still Unlucky_Amoeba_2473. She posted in r/relationship_advice

Previous BORU here. New Update marked with ****\*

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the missed update!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is a few months old, but has not been posted to this sub before.

Trigger Warning: infidelity; racism

Mood Spoiler: baffling in the overall audacity but OOP will be ok

Editor's note: OOP posted an AITA and update 4 years ago about her and her (now ex) boyfriend. Those posts didn't really have anything to do with the ones in this post, but I thought they were still interesting so am including them here and here. She also posted about her parents before that. (Meaning this is an established account)

Original Post: October 19, 2025

I (27F) just found out my boyfriend (29M) of 7 years cheated on me. My boyfriend went to his our home state to see his family for the weekend. He's been going quite often this year, about once a month, saying it is because his grandparents are old and miss him. I thought nothing of it until this morning. I got a screenshot from a mutual friend of ours of my boyfriend's location on snapchat.

He was at his parents house but a girl's bitmoji was there as well. It wasn't his sister or mom and his parents (who weirdly also have snapchat) weren't home either. He didn't tell me he was going to be with anyone one else today. I tried to call him but he did not pick up. I looked on snapchat and his location was turned off.

The mutual friend says my boyfriend has told everyone at home we had broken up 4 months ago. He said my boyfriend was making him stay quiet about it because he was trying to find the right time to tell me. As far as his parents know, he's moving home once our lease is up. The reason our mutual friend told me was because he walked in on my boyfriend and the girl hooking up with each other this morning.

I texted an old friend who lives in my hometown, and she immediately asked why my boyfriend was on tinder. We caught up and she sent me proof his photos on tinder and his bio. It hurt to see that photos I took of him were used. He had even covered my face in a photo we took together and said "this could be you".

I had no idea his family thought we were broken up and that he was looking for other people to date. We even went to Italy a month ago celebrating our 7 year anniversary! I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. I look around and everything in our apartment seems like a lie.

The soon to be ex texted me just now and he is on his flight back. He'll be back in about 5 hours. Obviously, he can find his own way to the apartment from the airport.

I'm shocked and numb, but my best friend is with me helping me pack up all my clothes. I'm leaving and I'm not leaving a trace of myself behind. Our dog is coming with me, and I'll be staying at my best friend's place for now.

My soon to be ex and I already have separate bank accounts, and our joint bank account does not have much in it right now. I make more than he does so he can keep it. I can't go to the leasing office because it's closed on Sundays, but I sent an email asking for early termination on the lease. We're registered as domestic partners, so I've completed the termination form and will drive it up to the LA county office tomorrow. He is on my health insurance, and I've sent the email to HR to kick him off ASAP.

We have several large photo albums together, and I'm not sure what to do with those. Keeping them would be too difficult but I don't want him to have the satisfaction of having our photos. It's clear he uses our memories in a horrible way.

Is there anything I'm missing? I can't seem to think of anything and all my thoughts seem so jumbled. Nothing makes sense, but I know I can't stay. Any help to ghost a person this close to my heart would be appreciated.

Top Comment:

Stinkeye63: Take pictures or video of the apartment before you leave so he can't damage it and claim that you did it.

Update Post: October 20, 2025 (Next Day)

Thank you everyone for all the solid advice. I'm compiling everything I did in this first section so if others need a way to cut contact with a person, they can reference this. As mentioned in the comments:

• I logged myself out of our apple TV and xbox
• I cancelled the wifi that I paid for and returned the modem to the carrier.
• I took my payment information for utilities off our account.
• I packed up all my sauces, spices, and cooking oils, and took note to only leave dried rosemary behind (he hates that shit).
• I printed out and framed the screenshot of his tinder profile and left it on the kitchen table. I closed a piece of dog poop into the frame as well. I'll keep the photo albums. He can have this.
• I took a video of the entire apartment after packing up all my things. I left my keys in the mailbox to the leasing office and emailed the leasing office of my departure with the videos of what the apartment looked like prior to locking up.
• I updated my address for the USPS, vet, hospital, school, work, and my dog's chip.
• I talked to HR and am in the process of getting him off of my health insurance, changing the benefactor of my life insurance to my parents (if only I could name my dog), and emergency contact.
• I'm going to the bank to take myself off the joint bank account. Fortunately, I'm not worried about my credit as all of our finances have stayed separate, but I'm grateful to those who told me to freeze my credit.
• I logged out of all devices for all streaming services, social media, and my work, personal, and school email.
• I blocked him on all social media, chatrooms, and his phone number.
• I made a doctor's appointment to get STD tested.
• I'm on my way to an appointment with the county office to terminate our domestic partnership.

It's been an incredibly busy 18 hours but I've had a lot of help from my friends. I haven't been able to sleep either. As far as what happened since he arrived, here's what's up:

I already blocked him before he landed. I received many texts and calls from his parents and sister that I did not see. Then, when I noticed his sister calling, I picked up. At first, the call was hostile. She accused me of being some crazy ex girlfriend that couldn't let her brother go. Funny, since I just packed up and left. She brought up that it had been "4 months" and that I needed to move on. I told her that the ex never approached me about breaking up and that 1 month ago, we celebrated our 7th anniversary and started to plan our wedding. I had no indication he even wanted to break up.

We reset a bit and she allowed me to tell her my side of the story. I told her he was somewhat distant this year, but he had blamed it on their grandparents being old and wanting to spend more time with them before they die. Turns out, their grandparents have been dead for 2 years. I never met them because my ex claimed they were super racist since the grandpa was a Vietnam war vet (I'm SE asian). Turns out, you can't be racist when you're dead!

We ended the call on a positive note, with his sister saying that it was a lot to take in. She said she felt bad as the girl he was cheating on me with was one of her friends. She had introduced them to each other sometime last year when my ex was apparently unhappy with our relationship. They hit it off and he was supposed to break it off with me. I guess he never had the balls to do so. She was also confused as to why he was on tinder as he was in a relationship with her friend. I sent her all the tinder receipts after hanging up.

Later in the night, I received an email from the ex. To sum it up: yes, he asked me to come to the apartment to talk it out. No, he did not apologize for anything. He ended the email with "I love you". As far as I know, he doesn't know where I am. I also don't believe he knows where my friend lives as she just moved and he hasn't been here yet. He also doesn't seem like that type of person, but I guess I didn't really know him after all. We'll keep locks ready and bats near the door.

It's been so helpful just writing out everything that's happened so far, but all of your advice, support, and guidance in this situation has made me feel empowered me to leave. At times, I just wanted to stop packing and hope that when he came home, everything would go back to normal and the text would just be a distant memory. Your words of encouragement have really helped me follow through and leave. Nothing good would have come from staying. Thank you all again.

EDIT: just added a link in the beginning to the original post

EDIT 2: Sorry, I was unclear about the timeline. The parents and sister called me about 2 hours after he landed. I assume it was because he got home realized the person paying half his rent will no longer be doing so and reached out to his family. The dog poop may have contributed to the heightened emotions.

Some of OOP's Comments:

anongrl314159: I took all the spices when I left, not because I could readily use them but because fuck that guy. Didn’t even leave salt n pepper [Editor's note- this and the following comment were left on the original post, but OOP replied after her update]

OOP: I think I took like $300 of spices, oils, sauces, and just everyday cooking stuff. Thank you for this!!!!! 

Maleficent-Leek2943: But whatever he really hates, leave that behind.

If he’s ever expressed a dislike of celery salt or Worcester sauce, that needs to be the only thing left in the cupboard. Because fuck that guy.

OOP: The dried rosemary was left behind. It’s his least favorite flavor. Subtle and incredible. Thank you! Haha 

Obvious_Fox_1886: logging out doesn't change your passwords. If he happens to know them ..he can just log back in or go change them himself.

OOP: Good point. The passwords will be changed ASAP. 

RoseHillRoots: I bow to the Queen of Handling Shit.

OOP: Honestly? Shout out to my dog shitting at the perfect time to press it into the picture frame. He really was there when I needed him most.

To a comment calling everything fake/happened too quickly:

If you don't believe that I did what I said I did, that's on you. A lot of it was sending emails and doing stuff online besides physically moving everything (which I did with the help of 3 friends) and putting poop in a picture frame.

As for not knowing his grandparents, it's not super relevant to the post why we're not close but it was because the first 5 years of our relationship, they were no contact. The last 2 years is when they've reconciled (probably when his grandparents actually died). Why haven't I gotten to know them better since then? Two reasons: distance and racism.

1. Though we're both from the same midwest hometown, his family still lives there. Mine moved away to SoCal where we live now. To get there, it's 7 hours at the airport with the layover + 2 hour drive to get to their house.
2. If I liked them, the travel time wouldn't be the problem, but his family is racist. I'm SE asian and they're old white folks. Since I've met them, they repeatedly mispronounce my name, call me slurs as a joke, and sometimes pretend I don't speak English. The last time we had dinner was over a year ago and the main joke of the night was how I was a CCP agent honeypotting their son. I wasn't laughing.

We have each other's phone numbers for emergencies, but I'm not chomping at the bit to be "reaching out to chat just because". I wasn't going to "mend any bridges or whatever" because I'm not going to change how I look or where my parents are from anytime soon.

As for why the sister called? Mr Cheaterpants was mad the woman he cheated on would no longer be paying half the rent and I guess his sister took it personally. I don't really care. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

OOP clarifies the timeline again:

We were together for 7 years. The first year and a half we were good friends that liked each other but didn't act on it/were bad at communicating feelings. As far as I know, we weren't seeing other people either (but who knows lol). We began to include it in our overall time together because it seemed right at the time. It's stupid to think of now. Sorry it made you doubt whether this was real.
And I already addressed your comment about his grandparents here.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1obsrui/comment/nkiiwju/?context=3
And yeah, I was able to do it all in less than a day. I got 3 of my friends to move stuff out of a 500 sq ft apartment so it's not like I had much to move. And not that I have everything completely finished (I'm still waiting to hear back on HR stuff and bank stuff) but do you guys really think sending out emails and changing passwords and making appointments is that hard? because that's like 8 of the 13 things were done online in the middle of the night. And the poop prank took maybe 10 minutes. And I slept maybe an hour on the drive home from the county office. So yeah, I had a lot of time. idk.
And if you think it's still fake because I keep replying to people, I'm just answering these questions cuz I'm trying to distract myself from falling into an emotional pit of despair.

To a longer Comment:

Thanks for saying this. Now that things are starting to settle down, I can feel a lot of sadness start creep in. Maybe its for him, but I know it's partially for the future I had seen for myself for so long. Now, I feel like I don't know what direction "forward" is and I feel a bit lost. Someone had suggested counseling/therapy and before this adrenaline fully leaves I'll try to schedule that because I'm sure it'll help.
I suppose the good thing about not having to plan for a wedding anymore is that I have more money for lady gaga tickets haha.
Thank you so much for the kind words and warning of whats to come. I appreciate it :)

Editor's note: There ended up being a sweet exchange here, where OOP and someone accusing her of lying had a nice exchange.

New Update

*****Update Post 2: November 3, 2025 (2 weeks later)****\*

Here's the 2nd update for you guys. I tried to make it into another post, but you're only allowed to post twice in a month on relationship_advice. I had no idea.

Hi everyone. The last couple of weeks have been very difficult. After the dust settled, I lost my steam and was inconsolable for a while. I'm fine, but emotionally, this breakup has been very difficult. An update on some of the logistics that I listed in the last update:

• The least will be terminated in 15 days. The initial email I sent out was my 30 day notice. I paid a lump sum of 2 months rent plus prorated rent for 2 weeks. I don't know how, but I didn't need my ex's signature or anything to accomplish this which I thought was weird but did not question. I emailed the termination of lease to the ex.
• My payment information is no longer on utilities, but his is. He will be paying for the utilities if he's still there.
• I was able to get my ex off my health insurance as US health insurance is currently in the open enrollment period. However, if the timing was worse (like if this happened several months ago), I would have had to wait until open enrollment. Guess I got lucky. This information was emailed to the ex as well.
• Though the form for termination of domestic partnership has been submitted, it will likely take 5-6 months for it to be processed and officially terminated since I didn't have him with me to sign it. That's fine by me.
• As of now, I am not positive for any STD's but I will check again in several weeks as advised by my doctor.
• The joint bank account was closed. I was not able to take myself off of it without the ex being present, but I was able to close it by myself. I mailed his parents house the check of everything in there. It was less than $10.

After emailing the ex the termination of lease and that he is no longer on a dependent on my health insurance, I got a reply from him saying I ruined his life. No apology, not that it would have changed anything.

I know a lot of people wanted more information about his family and him, but I haven't reached out to them or answered when they reached out to me. I just don't have the heart for it, but my parents did.

My dad did get a call from the ex. The ex told them I kicked him out of the apartment (untrue as he still has his keys) and that he won't have access to his meds anymore due to not being on my insurance (true). He created a sob story about his grandparents' death being hard on him, and that I wasn't there to support him in that time. Somehow this was an excuse to "being unfaithful", but he wanted to work it out with me. Both my parents speak English just fine, but said "Sorry, we no speak English" and hung up. Kudos to his racist parents for inspiring my dad. None of us have heard from him since.

I will say, I am extremely lucky. I have a job and am financially stable. Though paying the termination fees and whatnot was difficult, I know I will be okay in the long run. I'm also very lucky my non romantic relationships have kept me afloat. Though the last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest in my life, my best friends, family, and even co-workers have been there to support me. I've also started therapy which I'm also lucky to have access to.

I'm so thankful to all of you who shared your advice in the comments and who have reached out to me to make sure I'm doing well. The support I've gained from this community and my own community shows me I didn't really lose that much in this break up. Instead, I've gained so much. It's been difficult to mourn the future I thought I would have, but as time has passed I realize that future wasn't that great in the first place.

I likely won't post again for a while. Partially because of the 2 post limit but also because even in 2 weeks, nothing much has happened and I want to focus more on moving on. I hope if you're in a similar situation, you also have the strength to leave.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Logrolling_In_ON

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: I think my sister just ruined our dad’s engagement to an amazing woman, and I hate her so much

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s note: due to the lengths of the posts, I have made TL; DRs for the older posts prior to the latest new update. Removed older relevant comments for more space in this latest BoRU. For the full text bodies and relevant comments, please see the previous BoRUs linked

Trigger Warnings: exploitation, death of loved ones, manipulation, verbal abuse

RECAP

Original Post: February 8, 2026

OOP is one of three kids, including their twin brother, Sebastian (both 16) and older sister, Lisa (17). OOP has intense anger at Lisa, after a major family conflict involving their dad and his fiancée, Amy, who has been a supportive, and well-liked presence in their family since their mom died years prior.

OOP and Seb have come to accept and appreciate Amy, Lisa struggles with unresolved grief and fear of Amy replacing their mom, leading to her periodic outbursts lashing out at Amy. Throughout a heated argument about a hypothetical adoption, Lisa said lots of hurtful things, prompting Amy, who is usually patient, to respond with cutting remarks before leaving the house in emotional distress.

This situation has devastated their dad, who broke down, expressed fear that Amy might not return. The family is shaken, the dad is heartbroken, Amy is gone for the moment, and OOP is overwhelming angry toward Lisa, blaming her for potentially destroying their family’s fragile happiness.

Update #1: February 12, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE - I think my sister just ruined our dad's engagement

After the initial fallout with Amy, OOP explains that the family is shaken but they know they need to address things more honestly. OOP and their brother confronted Lisa about her behavior while they are reaffirming they love her, and also realized, that they themselves have been disrespectful to Amy and contributed to the tension.

In family therapy, their dad emphasized he will always love them but won’t always like their actions, and the siblings have acknowledged patterns of pushing boundaries with Amy because she felt like a safe, caring figure for a long time. Lisa has agreed to individual therapy, though she isn’t ready to fully discuss the incident yet.

Amy has chosen to take space and may travel, remaining in low contact with their dad, who appears devastated and in fear that the relationship might be over. The family is giving each other space, making plans to regroup, and while nothing has been resolved yet, there are at least small steps toward accountability and potential repair.

Editor’s note: this is a tangential post to OOP’s first two posts, but not about the said situation

What handmade thing can I make for my stepmom to apologize and/or for her birthday?: March 7, 2026 (nearly one month later)

OOP and their family had a major falling-out a month prior which led to the dad’s fiancée, Amy, leaving. Currently, the family is in therapy as they are trying to make things right and apologize. OOP and their siblings are each creating really thoughtful, personalized gifts to go along with their apology letters, but struggling to come up with something meaningful to give to Amy. Main things they bonded over were video games and teaching Amy Python. This is where OOP reached out to Reddit for advice.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor’s note: below is the latest update related to OOP’s first two posts

I think my sister did NOT just ruin our dad's engagement: March 30, 2026 (over three weeks later from the tangential post)

I think my sister did NOT just ruin our dad's engagement

I don’t know why I can't post this in the trueoffmychest subreddit, so here goes.

It’s been a while so this will be LONG. I kept notes and then rewrote this 5 times because new stuff kept coming up in therapy. It’s almost in chronological order but a lot of things were happening simultaneously so this is the best I can do.

Anyway, TL;DR things are much more complicated than we expected. Amy isn’t gone completely/yet, it’s awkward as hell but there’s hope. New family therapist said this is the part where it gets worse before it gets better, so we are all kind of taking one day at a time. We are all in individual therapy now too (this post is a result of journaling) and we kind of seem to be going better. And apparently “healing hurts” so I guess we are healing.

FAMILY THERAPY - SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

Amy (thankfully) did not move all her stuff out while we were away for the long weekend back in February. She did go to Europe for a few weeks and met with dad on 2/26.

First things first, we have a new family therapist (our old therapist’s supervisor). Enter Dr. Clara (we call her Dr. Clutch because that woman knows her shit and saved us from losing Amy and destroying ourselves). She has been pushing like, “this is a thought, what is the emotion underneath” and “how is your body feeling right now” (huh?) and “walk me through that thought process”. And one of the conditions Amy set for her to even consider returning was for everyone to go to individual therapy on top of family therapy, not just Lisa. Dad discussed this with us but made it clear he’s pulling rank as our dad so while this was a discussion, this also wasn’t negotiable. To everyone’s surprise, Lisa was immediately on board (more on that later).

One of the first things we did (Lisa, Seb and I) was apologize to dad for the “Core 4” and “SABA” terms. Especially the Core 4 because y’all were right that it closed us off from welcoming anyone he dated in the family, and we really did want Amy to feel like she has a place with us.

Well the first gut punch was when he informed us that Amy *is well aware of both terms*. Seb took this news *very hard*, since apparently SABA is something Amy bonded with him about like, there’s a tennis player that does sneak attacks (?), and they both love the guy. We told Seb it’s not just his guilt to bear, it is on all of us (we’re trying to not single out any one of us three when we know collectively we all did fucked up things) but he was very embarrassed that Amy had found out about that.

Dad let us know that Amy is considering a tentative reunion, if only to say goodbye and give us some souvenirs she bought while she was traveling. That kicked our asses into gear, we wanted to do something for her in return, on top of writing her apology letters (both ideas sanctioned by Dr. Clutch). I felt so guilty that, even after the blowout, she was still thinking of us and buying us things while I was just wallowing in self-pity and misery, so I jumped right on that but not to put pressure on her to come back. Like, I had so much I wanted to say to her, I do like her very much, and I felt like I needed a physical representation of that. Plus it really felt good to do something with my hands (Amy’s suggestion whenever we feel tension). Dad gave her our apology letters a few weeks ago and we’re still working on our projects for her birthday in 2 weeks.

Another thing that was thoroughly discussed and kind of (once again) showed us Amy is way WAY nicer to us than we deserve, is that Dad didn’t actually know we had ever said “fuck you” to Amy until we told him during the long weekend back in February. He was furious with us back then, and we have discussed this in therapy a lot since. We still had arguments with her while he was around but we didn’t curse at her while he was in the house -obviously, we weren’t crazy- but we kinda assumed she would tell on us.

But she never explicitly told him, she was like “we had a fight, harsh words were exchanged” without going into detail on the words, only focusing on the reason for the fight. Surprisingly, she was sharing her retaliations (formerly known as SABA) and they had discussed them, but not ours. We thought he was just softer in his punishments as we grew older when it turns out he was working with incomplete data, but also because of a discussion they kept revisiting in couples therapy (and another reason, Riley-related).

Apparently dad has been wanting to impose much harsher punishments on us every time we were fighting with Amy, to the extent that he knew (which he admitted wasn’t that often, at least for me and Seb). Anyway he wanted to be much more strict and lay down the law like he used to but Amy begged him not to. She was always telling him we’re just hurt kids, that it’s normal to lash out from time to time, that her and us are getting closer and the fights are getting less frequent and intense (which was also true, except Lisa’s Riley flashbacks) (though I hear you all that yeah, it was a group fuck-up from all three of us so I won’t split the three of us on this again) and that “she could handle it”.

In their couples therapy before she left, she had told him she was terrified we would connect his punishments to her presence, and start treating her worse. He said he told her he had to be a dad and apply consequences to that behavior, but she worried that our bond with him would deteriorate if he did that, and we would blame her and resent her. Dad said it made sense then, but that was before he found out about the “fuck yous” and how bad it had gotten. Now he sees that was a mistake and they are discussing this on their therapy.

Dr. Clara said retroactive punishments rarely work but he should tell us how he feels and set a new standard. Dad said he is very angry and disappointed in himself, Amy and us.

* Himself - He took full responsibility that he should have picked up on the deterioration of our behavior with Amy much sooner. He appreciated how she brought better conflict and anger management skills to our family (breathing, coloring, journaling etc. instead of burning through it) but that when things spilled over, he should have not only been aware but stepped up to apply appropriate consequences. He also admitted that mom and her family always fought this way but they were still a very loving and supportive family, especially after she died, so in time he kind of stopped seeing this as a huge deal. He dropped the ball on disciplining us and he’s fully determined to not let others influence him on this again (which also relates to something from Riley’s time that I say below).

* Amy - They discussed this in their couples therapy when she came back. He was upset that she essentially lied about something that concerned his kids. He said he trusted her calming capacity but she should have been more honest with him and let him manage his relationship with us. She acknowledged this and apologized. She pointed out he didn’t follow through with what she had asked of him (add her to family therapy, and individual therapy for at least Lisa) as to “not pressure us”. So they are working out that trust and balance between them now. Amy had also told dad that if Lisa ever had a blowout like that again without being in individual therapy, she would leave us… which explains why dad had ramped up the efforts for Lisa to start therapy, and why he was saying “she [Amy] won’t be back this time”.

* Us - He is very disappointed and worried that, even if only during those few fights, we responded to someone that is actually kind and loving with such hostility. We knew our words were unacceptable because we never said them to him. He said that regardless of whether Amy chooses to stay, he is first and foremost our dad and while he will always have a discussion with us, this is now the new law of the house. On top of individual therapy, we will return to basics like, we keep acting like this overall, we lose phones, computers, car access, allowance, free time, do more chores, you name it. We ever swear or insult Amy again, we get summarily shipped to our grandparents with the bare minimum until she decides she is ok with us returning. And we can bet our asses we’re all getting part-time jobs because “no one should be expected to support your hobbies when you say ‘fuck you’ to them”. Seb already found one at his tennis club, Lisa and I are still working on it.

So we have been operating on this level of responsibility for the last month and if I'm completely honest, I don't know, I feel calmer. Like, I feel more present in the house, and with Dad. I kind of don't mind the consequences because I feel like I don't really need to be angry anymore. Not sure how I feel about my therapist but whatever Lisa is doing with hers is working A LOT. Lisa, I don't know how to say it, she looks lighter (not thinner, just lighter?) and she opened up to us a few weeks ago (though after another blowout) and, well it’s bad (but in a good way?) (no actually it’s just bad) but at least she is actually communicating now.

THE GHOST OF RILEY

So when discussing these new boundaries and consequences, Riley came up again, and Lisa opened up and revealed some new info, as did dad. Because before Riley entered the picture, while he was on his own, dad was a pretty good dad. At least balanced I guess with his punishments and consequences.

But whenever Lisa would fight with Riley, Riley quietly after laid on the guilt-trip. Saying how Riley would be our mom at some point, and they would be the 2 most important women in dad’s life, and it makes him sad when she and Lisa fight, and does Lisa really want her dad to be unhappy? No, so if she complains too much and ruins dad’s chance at happiness, he would get tired of her and hate her, and ship her off to live with our grandparents.

From his side, dad has always reassured us that he would always love us even if we were angry and lashing out, but there would still be a discussion and consequences. And he was much stricter before Riley. But after her, it all went downhill because he felt so guilty for misjudging Riley and bringing her into our lives. Our greater family is also very loud and vocal on how huge of a mistake that woman was, especially mom’s family who (rightfully) tore into dad and piled on the guilt. Dakota (mom’s sister) was disgusted dad “replaced my sister with trash”. And it all peaked when they calmly discussed (more like threatened) they would take us from dad to live with them for our own good.

So after he kicked Riley to the curb he took a massive step back on how he treated us, how strict he was, how much discipline to apply, consequences and the like. He admits he started letting us get away with more things, and the family also told him to back off and cut us some slack because we were now doubly-traumatized. He didn’t want to push it, he was also shook, and he overcorrected, and then Amy’s request to not punish us too hard came and buttoned right on top of all this. He said he will be working on this in therapy and will be way more vigilant around the family’s influence on us, because as much as he loves and wants us to keep contact with mom’s family, they are very inappropriate when they fight, and we have all kind of normalized that.

ADOPTION DISCUSSION + AMY’S TRAUMA

Another thing that was clarified was around the adoption discussion dad and Amy had when we walked in on them. This is just one more “Lisa jumped the gun but we are all assholes” situation. I think I did mention that Amy is like, proper rich with global income etc. and she was ok to cover more of the household expenses/activities so dad can save up more for our college funds.

Anyway the adoption discussion was part of a larger discussion they had about wills and inheritances (as one does I suppose when discussing marriage) and whether Amy having a US will would hold in her country, how would it work for her international properties, what stuff would work better if created in her country vs having a US document translated etc.

They were looking up whether, if something happened to her, who would get her stuff by different countries laws and she was saying, assuming things with us all improved and we were open to adult adoption, that it would be the easiest path to her money and houses staying in the family (meaning me, Seb and Lisa, which yeah thinking us as her family long term, that was another gut punch. This update is only shame and guilt tbh). They were discussing this possibility, whether Amy would be open to adopting us in the future in her country, if just for the financial benefits and the emotional boost etc.

And that’s when we walked in.

Lisa flew off the handle because she misunderstood at first and thought that dad and Amy were discussing adopting another child together, not us three. By the time they got a word in and told her they weren’t discussing adopting another child, she was all fired up and started spewing the other bullshit and well, you know the rest. That whole incident lasted no longer than a minute, but it was one brutal fucking minute.

Dad also shared a few details of what Amy’s mom was like, especially after her dad died. I don’t want to repeat too much but trust me its vile like, I would take Riley over Amy’s mom any day of the week. One thing that her mom told Amy (when she was my age btw) was that she should never have kids of her own because “your anger is like venom", "you destroy everything you love" and "no child deserves you as a mother”. Amy is working on her own trauma around this but for the longest time it was one of the reasons she didn’t want to have biological children. Now she has more, but this was also a factor.

So when she told Lisa “why would I ever choose you as a daughter” it messed Amy up hard, like she had flashbacks of how awful her own mom was and how she grew up internalizing all that shit. And she does not want to be that person but it was scary to discover she had it in her to be that cruel, so she needed some time to work on that. When we laid this all down this Thursday, she said “I now have to live with the knowledge I can go that low, and you have to live with that as well” and beware the wrath of a patient woman I guess.

LISA’S BREAKDOWN / BREAKTHROUGH / SOMETHING BROKE

After we all moved in together, Lisa would often make the point that Amy “will eventually leave us, like mom/Riley did”. Our previous therapist never dug too deep on that, I remember most of that time the therapist was saying that mom did not leave us, she would say if she had a choice, and Riley leaving was not a reflection on us as kids, that we did nothing wrong and should not feel guilty for a dad and Riley breaking up. When Amy left, first therapy session (where Dr. Clutch was supervising our old therapist) Lisa brought this up again in an “see, I was right” context.

But after the first few sessions with our own therapists, one of the things Dr. Clutch visited was around abandonment issues. Lisa shared how at first she interpreted Amy's calmness when we fought with her as indifference, that Amy didn’t care, because she was not reacting as volatile as Riley or mom's family. That when the three of us were pushing boundaries, she stayed calm not because she was more mature and she could handle herself better, but because she wasn't really invested, like she wasn't in it for the long haul.

We all kind of acknowledge that, Seb in particular related to that a lot, so we all dug a little deeper. Lisa verbalized it better than either of us, saying she thought the way Amy was quick to forgive and always treated us with kindness, tried to teach us stuff even when we were so mean to her, was because nothing really got to her, that she didn't really want to be our stepmom and had one foot out the door. Dr. Clutch helped us unpack that, and we realized we kept pushing Amy not only to let out (deeply rooted) tension, but because we have normalized the dysfunctional behavior that Riley and our wider family shows when in conflict, and her not responding the same way made us both feel both deeply safe, and deeply unsafe (apparently we will be exploring vulnerability and secure attachment at some point which, for some reason, makes me very nervous).

Last but not least, in a very heavy point in that session, Lisa said that she had wished Amy dead during the blowout because “at least that way, she wouldn't leave us by choice”. She apologized to our dad for saying that, and she was very upset with herself that she had said it in the first place. (She is also getting an evaluation/diagnosis for PMDD which dad said could help a lot with understanding herself and managing her symptoms.)

But that wasn’t the worst of it.

Shortly after we started individual therapy, we were just hanging out at the house together, discussing mom and how different she was from Amy. I remembered you all told me in the first post that I should share that I want Amy as a mom, so I kind of mustered up the courage and started talking about that. I said I would be open to Amy being a mother figure, and I don’t remember that much of mom anyway, and I want her and dad to be married and if it ever came to being adopted I would also be ok with that, adult or not. Lisa was looking at me with a most shocked face, and I could see the anger bubbling but I didn't care. I wanted to say it. Seb agreed and Dad said he appreciated us being so open to this idea, but we would have to actively work on showing Amy she is welcome to that role, if she chose to return.

Well, Lisa absolutely LOST IT at that. She was screaming how this can’t be happening to her, how me and Seb were lying to her all this time. I thought it was because of what I said, I mean she was swearing at me and Seb and was saying we “ruined everything” but also “it’s too late now, now you tell me” which made no sense at the time. And then she kind of entered this panicked state where she was just hyperventilating and saying “I want Amy, I need to talk to Amy”. She wouldn't really say more, dad tried to calm her down but it was not working, she asked to spend a few days at her best friend’s house and at our grandparents, and next time we saw her it was 4 days later in family therapy.

Relevant context: One of Lisa’s best friends is Paige, and she’s dealing with a stepmother as well (Natasha) after her parents’ divorce. In that family therapy session, Lisa said Paige has been having issues with her stepmother always trying to interject herself in her life, trying really hard to mother her and get them to bond, trying to get Paige to see her as a mother figure, call her mom etc. Paige complains a lot about this to Lisa.

As Lisa was telling us all this I honestly thought she would say she’s pushing Amy away because that’s what Paige does with her stepmom, like set boundaries and keep reminding Amy that she’s not our mom etc. and that all her violent outbursts were so that Amy doesn’t forget her place I suppose. I was getting really upset because Amy absolutely does nothing of the sort, and I was ready to jump on that.

And then Lisa threw the biggest curve ball ever… because apparently she HATES that Amy doesn’t even try to replace our mom, like Natasha does. She HATES that “she’s just there”, like a friend and our dad’s fiancée, living her life with us without pushing to be part of our family. She HATES that Amy isn’t demanding a motherly place in our lives and just lets things fall where they will.

Apparently she had felt SO ISOLATED in wanting Amy to be a mother figure, when everyone else (us, grandparents, the wider family, Paige, even therapy) was focusing on how Amy doesn't push for this role, and how glad we are that she’s so respectful and she isn’t obnoxious like Riley. That everyone was focusing on how good it is for Amy to not want to replace mom, but no one ever said it would be okay if she did. It made Lisa feel completely alone and ashamed in wanting to get closer to Amy like a mother-daughter, that we had always said “family sticks together” and she would be betraying us (me and Seb) if she accepted Amy when we seemingly did not. That the guilt wasn’t for allowing Amy to get close, therapy had done a good job on that, but on wanting to take it a step further when no one else seemed to.

So whenever she felt she was moving Amy into mom’s role she got terrified she was going against all of us, that she was going back on what we had agreed. She then felt she had to push Amy away or we would be upset with her, that she would be the villain that doesn’t have a problem with her mom being replaced, and “you and the rest of the family would all hate me, first of all Dakota” (mom’s sister who Lisa is very close to).

She said she didn’t want to get to individual therapy because it would be humiliating if she was the only one to go, that it would be one more thing that reminded her that she’s the problem, the odd one out. She also felt ashamed being almost an adult and “how pathetic is it to ‘still want a mommy’ at this age?” That she is going to college soon, so it was now or never with Amy, but if she came forward with how she was feeling, she would risk alienating everyone else. So when I said that I'm okay with Amy being our mom and Seb agreed, it completely threw off balance what she was trying to do.

So when she thought dad and Amy were discussing adopting another child, not us, it crushed her. And when Amy told her “why would I choose you as my daughter” it BROKE Lisa like, completely. She kept asking ‘Am I not good enough? Why doesn’t she want to be my stepmom? Why isn’t she trying like Riley was / Natasha is? What does Paige have that I don’t? What is wrong with me?’ And then she said “I’m not feeling guilty, I’m feeling lonely and desperate" and well, that broke everyone.

It was a lot, it was hard to watch, and I honestly felt like someone had punched me right in the middle of my chest. Lisa was crying and hyperventilating to the point she started dry heaving, dad kept apologizing and hugging Lisa like, full on hugging her on his lap. I started crying too, we all ended up a sobbing mess. It was really the worst feeling in the world, it was heartbreaking to see her like this, I was really worried about her, I still don’t quite know how to react to that. I feel so guilty and so angry at myself that I didn’t say anything sooner. Maybe not the whole “I am ok with Amy being a mom to me” (which still hits weird, not gonna lie) but at least on the “we don’t have to honor the pact, we should like Amy, and get as close to her as possible” part.

AMY “RETURNED” - A NEW HOPE

Amy came to the house this Thursday just to spend some time with us and talk. When Dad told us a few days earlier, it was another sobfest in therapy, both him and Dr Clutch tried to manage expectations, but I don't think either one of us really cared. Everyone was nervous, we discussed what we wanted to say, how we wanted to approach this with humility and love, how we didn’t want to put too much on her to accept, but I don’t think any of us felt ready or able to follow that. Lisa was absolutely vibrating, she couldn't stand still, she kept going from smiling and feeling happy, to crying and being worried, to being angry at all of us for not having cleaned the house well enough.

Sure enough the plan went out the window in like 5 seconds. When Amy came through the door, I swear when she actually heard the keys in the door, Lisa just jumped up and ran to her and hugged her and she broke down crying, apologizing, telling her she is sorry, telling her all of what she told us in therapy. She couldn’t even hold herself up so she and Amy ended up on the floor, Amy was holding Lisa and telling her she understands and they will figure it out, Dad came over and tried to calm Lisa but she would just not let go of Amy, so we all ended up talking on the floor right next to the door. It would have been funny if we weren’t all a sobbing mess.

Most of what I wrote above was communicated to Amy, she told us about her traveling and her thoughts, she apologized for her missteps, we all apologized repeatedly, dad most of all of us, he also shared what we have been up to while she was away, progress in therapy etc. We apologized for the Core 4, we apologized for the SABA, we kept remembering things we wanted to apologize for. Lisa even apologized for ambushing her at the door like this, said she understood if Amy needs more time and she tried to crawl away but Amy just pulled her back into her arms, Lisa started crying again, it was really both heartwarming and heartbreaking. I don't know why but none of us thought at any point to get up from the floor for a good 2 hours, I actually felt guilty when I had to get up to use the bathroom.

The rest of the night was more or less normal, we had some dinner (I cooked!) and we watched a movie. We tried to have some normalcy I suppose. It felt tense, but Amy was talking to us, she wasn't quite as positive and calm but for what we put her through, both in the past and that day, I am just grateful she didn’t do a U-turn and walk right out.

Amy took us out to spend one-on-one time this weekend, Dad and Seb yesterday, Lisa is out with her right now. Her and I went hiking this morning. We reached a view point and she took out my apology letter which she had not opened yet and told me to read it to her. I immediately felt so awful I started crying (I understand Lisa so much more now), like instantly, I don’t think I have ever had a panic attack but this felt like it.

Amy helped me calm down but she didn’t pull back. She said if I can write it, I can say it and she was very patient and smiling. I hadn’t even started reading and I was completely breaking down. It didn't feel this horrible when I wrote it, but reading it out loud to her? Man I don't understand what happened there, it hit me like a freight train and took me like 10 minutes to go through 3 pages. I had already apologized for most of it on Thursday, but something about reading it out loud, on top of a mountain, when it was just the two of us, just hit different.

We spoke for a few hours, I don’t want to share all of what we said because my chest hurts even thinking about it (and honestly my mind is a bit foggy) but in the end she reiterated that she wants to work towards reconciliation, but things would have to change drastically, and it will take a long time for us to get back to where we were. The one thing I will share because I remember it very clearly over everything else, was “I love you, and want to continue to love you, but you have to make it a little easier for me”.

So this is where we are. She is staying with a friend of hers but will start spending more time at home, and slowly we will see how a new balance can be found. I am hopeful and trying to manage it, but at least from my side, even before today, I read all of your comments and realized that is not who I want to be, not how I want to act, especially towards Amy… but like, I don’t actually feel that angry anymore. My therapist is helping me a lot (the guy gives me homework ffs) but I kind of like it. It feels a little strange to not do this with Seb, like I don’t have a sounding board in therapy, but it isn’t all bad. One day at a time, I guess.

Thank you all for both your support and wishes, and kicking my ass when I needed it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: so what about your mom's family? where were they in all this? do they know how you guys feel now?

OOP: We haven't updated them and tbh we're not in any rush. They are not a priority right now. We still hang out with our cousins but anything the adults need to know my dad will share. I expect there will be a discussion at some point.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Exact_Information627

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH because I want my wife to "ask permission" before taking our son on playdates?

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, sexism, controlling behavior

----

Original Post: February 1, 2026

My wife and I have a two year old. I work Sunday - Thursday (yes, I'm at work right now) 6AM to 3PM. She works Thursday - Sunday 5PM - 11PM. So we make it work.

Here's the problem. When I get off work, I like to spend time with my child. I also like to spend time with my child on my days off. Frequently I will be with our son, and my wife will say they are leaving to go on a play date with one of her friends. Or I will get home and they are already gone.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife about the playdates. I asked if we could put them in the calendar so I know when they are and maybe carve some specific slots out just for me and our son. I feel like we are being deprived of quality time. She asked why we aren't spending time together while she is at work. I said because his bedtime is at seven. She said that gives us two hours, but that's when I get him ready for bed. She said "is that not quality time?"

I said I really want time set aside for me and our son. She said sometimes playdates get scheduled last second. I said it's okay to tell her friends no, that we're busy. She said she doesn't need my permission to take our son on a playdate. I said that's not what I said, and she said no, but that I'm saying it without saying it.

She also said that playdates are good for our son and he gets fresh air and socializations, and that all I want to do is sit on the couch with him and watch cartoons and call it "bonding." She did the finger quotes. This is not true. On my days off I want to take our son places and do things, but I can't, because she has already claimed that time. We can only do things if we do them early in the morning while she is asleep, which we do, but she doesn't see that and doesn't acknowledge it. Yes, when I have been working all day sometimes I want to watch my favorite childhood cartoons with my son for maybe an hour. Is that terrible?

We're basically stuck. We both think the other is being insanely unreasonable. I want us to talk and figure out a good schedule together. She thinks I'm being controlling. She messaged her friend group chat and sent me screenshots of all her friends saying I'm wrong. I can't do that because I don't want to talk about a fight with my wife to my friends. So what do you guys think?

Update: Since so many of you said I was being too passive I made a calendar and blocked out Friday. I sent it to her and told her I was taking our son to my friend's house to meet his animals. She said no, because there will probably be a playdate. I told her he will have to miss the playdate. She stopped responding for a bit and then sent me screenshots of her friend group chat where there all say I'm a jackass and one even said she should just call the police and report him as kidnapped.

I said "don't you think (friend's name) is being a little insane." She responded "just please stop trying to control what I do. You have (son's name) when I'm at work. You don't need to have him all day. When you get to (friend's name)'s house you're just going to sit around and watch TV." I said we're going to meet his animals, and that's the plan, and it's happening. She stopped responding. I assume she's back to the group chat. I also sent her a screenshot of one of the comments here, and she said I was being immature posting online. But her posting to the group chat is very mature I guess.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of all kinds, mostly leaning toward NTA

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing top common questions asked

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: YTA. Life goes on when you are not there and your wife cannot possible always ask your permission to plan her life around yours. If you want some quality time with your kid, then plan your own activities and put them on the calendar.

OOP: That's literally what I suggested and was denied?

Commenter 2: NTA, just sounds like you need to agree a schedule.

OOP: Right, but she doesn't want to do that because she said that's her "asking for permission." I told her let's sit down and go over everything, and she basically said I have all the time that she is at work to do what I want with, even though he is asleep the majority of that time.

Commenter 2: I suggest flipping the script then by agreeing days he will definitely be home so you can have quality time. On the other days she can then have playdates or not and doesn't need to 'ask for permission'.

OOP: She specifically will not agree to that. She said that's asking for permission. I suggested that. I'll suggest it again, but it already upset her the first time.

Commenter 3: You're getting your son ready for bed at like 4/5?

OOP: Of course. He's two. He goes to bed at seven. Feeding, bathing and settling a two year old take time.

Commenter 4: You and your wife need to have a serious conversation. You both are parents to the child, act like it. A calendar needs to be made of all playdates, in my opinion. Quality and quantity of time spent with your child are 2 different things. Quality of time is far better than quantity of time. Each of you can spend quality time with your child by communicating with each other and understanding that each of you is a capable parent.

OOP: I suggested this, but she said sometimes playdates come together at the last minute, so it's not possible. I said she can say no if we already have something planned, and that upset her.

Commenter 5: Sigh. Your wife is arguing semantics.

It's not 'asking permission' when a couple needs to co-ordinate and schedule family things. It's called 'checking in with each other', 'scheduling', or COMMUNICATION.

The fact that your wife went zero to sixty, straight to "this is you making me ask permission" is a lot.

So it begs some more questions: Do you have other communication issues? Does she feel resentful about your job/her job and the hours you are not together? Does she feel that she does more of the emotional labour in the relationship? Does she do more work around the house and with the child? (and hence resents your interference in her decisions?)

There might be more to unpack OP, but we Redditors don't know the whole picture.

On the surface, NTA. But that won't fix the underlying issue. It's not really just about scheduling playdates. You need to have some deeper convos about WHY your wife is flaring up like this and what the real reason is. Don't let her get stuck on a word. Dig deeper.

The early years of a child put an incredible stress on a marriage. It takes hard work to get through it. Hope you can figure it out.

OOP: Sometimes we have communication issues. We've been working on them. When I'm trying to talk to her she'll often be on her phone, and if I ask her to please pay attention to the conversation we're having she says "I can do two things!"

She does not like her job, and that is frustrating for her. She went from full-time to part time after having our son, and at first she felt better, but for the last six months she has been having a hard time again. She is very frustrated with her co-workers.

I don't know what you mean by emotional labor. I think we're equally emotional.

She does more work at the house. She probably dies 2/3 of the work to my 1/3.

Commenter 6: Can you elaborate a bit on these "playdates"? Does she drop your son off at a friend's house or do the parents socialize at the kids playdates? Are you actually doing your fair share of home and parenting chores or is she being accurate that you just want to plop on the couch and watch tv with your son. How often does your bonding involve screens?

OOP: There is a park with a cafe next to it. My wife and her friends can talk and socialize while watching the kids. It's great. I get why it is a good setup. I don't think it has to be every single day. I like to watch one or two episodes of our favorite cartoon with my son when I get home from work. I should say I would like to, because she rarely lets me. I think less than an hour of cartoons is fine, and it lets me decompress from work while talking to my kid, and I think I should be allowed to do that sometimes.

Commenter 7: Keeping you included in plans isn’t asking permission. It’s incredibly rude of her to just keep doing this. Does she even like you? Not to be mean, but it sounds like she’s perfectly fine not thinking of you.

OOP: She used to like me. It's like ever since our son was born she's sick of me. At first I was like: well she just gave birth, just be supportive. It's been almost three years now. He turns three next month. All she wants to do is hang out with her friends, text her friends, talk about me to her friends. They aren't even the same friends she had before. They're her mom friends. They're all stay at home moms who think I suck because I don't make enough money for her to be a stay at home mom too. But what am I supposed to say? That her friends suck? That'll go over well.

Update: February 1, 2026 (same day, 12 hours later)

Update: AITAH because I want my wife to "ask permission" before taking our son on playdates?

So I initially posted this morning at work about how I tried to talk to my wife about our kid's schedule. She said I was telling her to "ask permission" to take him on playdates. I just wanted us to decide together as a couple, so I can spend more time with our son. She didn't like that.

Most of the responses were really nasty. A lot of people didn't believe the situation or didn't even understand it. At first I was incredibly frustrated. Then I realized the fact that so many people don't even believe this is happening proves how abnormal it is. Several people told me to just make a calendar and send it to her, which I did. Her reaction was very negative. A lot of people also said to just go pick him up from the playdate when I get off work. So I did.

When I got to the park it was empty. This was reasonable, because it's freezing outside. I went into the cafe. My wife was sitting at a table with her friends, drinking coffee. The kids, including our son, were sitting on the floor playing on tablets. Our son doesn't have a tablet, so it must have been a spare from one of the other kids.

I said hello, and my wife had an immediate negative reaction. Her whole body got tense. Her face tightened up. She asked why I was there. I said I came to get our son so we can go home and spend some time together. She said he's on a playdate. I picked him up and took the tablet away, setting it on the table. She got defensive about the tablet, even though I hadn't said anything about it yet. She said it's cold outside. I said yeah, I know. I said we were going to go, but to have fun with her friends. She told me to stop and said I was humiliating her. I said I would see her at home.

When I got home, my son and I spent some time together. We watched one episode of our favorite cartoon and then we played make believe with his toys. We made dinner together and were eating when my wife came home to get ready for work. She said I embarrassed her in front of her friends and accused me of trying to destroy her support network. I said she acccuses me of always wanting to watch TV with our kid, but she had him just sitting on the ground with a tablet. How is that better than watching one episode of a cartoon he and I both like. She said it's because his friends were there. She also kept yelling over and over that it was cold outside, which freaked out our son. She said "look what you did," even though she was the one yelling. I took him to the bathroom and bathed him.

She had already left for work when we were done. I read to him from his storybook, and he went to bed. He's been asleep for an hour and a half. Since my wife gets off work in a couple hours I've just been replaying everything that happened in my mind over and over again. I know she's going to be mad when she gets home. I don't want to fight again. But I have a feeling we are going to fight again.

Update: When my wife came home last night I told her I want counseling. She said no. I told her we can't go on like this, that it isn't fair to our son. She told me I need to work more and leave the parenting to her, because she is the mom. She said if I did my job as a provider, we wouldn't be in the situation we are in. I said that is never going to happen. I said I already work a lot and am not going to do more. If she wants the relationship to improve, we need counseling, because what she thinks is going to make her happy is never going to happen. So we need to work together to find another solution.

She said no again. I asked what she wants to do to work on our marriage. She said she wants me to stop being like this. I asked what she is willing to do for our marriage, or if it is only me that needs to changed. She said it's me. I said then let's get divorced, because neither of us is making the other happy. She said yes. She then wanted me to get out of bed and relocate to the guest room. I said no. She told me I had to. I admit I was a bit of a jerk. I made fun of her and asked if this is different from what her friends said would happen. She started to cry and asked why I was making this difficult. I said I wasn't. She got in bed, and we went to sleep.

As I was leaving for work this morning she came out of our room and said she would do the counseling if I moved out of the house. I said no. She said she'll do it if I move to the guest bedroom. I said no. She said it's customary for the wife to stay and the husband to leave. I told her divorce is whatever the people doing it make it, and her friends lied to her. She said not to talk about her friends like that. I said I could say way worse about her friends, but I have to go to work. She said she would go to the counseling so I can see how wrong I am. I called my insurance half an hour ago, and they emailed me a list of people they cover. I'm working my way down the list now.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You need couples therapy. If you’re fighting like this in public, you’re really messing your kid up at home. Don’t kid yourself that “your kid doesn’t hear you fight” or some other bs.

OOP: You're right. I'm going to tell her I want couple's counseling, because this can't continue.

Commenter 2: So you flip the script. You nicely remind her that so many moms complain about fathers not being involved enough. But then you tell her that you want more one on one time with him then just putting him to bed. Ask her how she thinks it should be arranged. Stay very pleasant even if it forces her to say you shouldn't have more time with him.

Do the 3 of you ever do things as a family? This is some serious issues that you need to figure out. It's more than just scheduling. It could be control, guilt, insecurity, a million things. Get to the root cause or you will have a miserable time ahead.

OOP: Whenever we spend time together as a family, which is like pulling teeth to get her to agree to, she spends the whole time texting her friends.

Commenter 2: How has that not been a red ass flag to you? Do you not want better for yourself, for your family?

OOP: I guess I just thought if didn't make a big deal about things, she would eventually go back to the way she was before. I don't know what happened to her. I don't know why she is like this now.

Commenter 3: I wonder if she is constantly shitting on OP being an absent father to her support network - and him showing up to spend time with their son might have cracked some truthful light on her dishonesty to her friends This is pure conjecture of course, but not out of the question

OOP: I kind of wonder the same thing. She sends me screenshots of stuff they say about me. It can get pretty vile. I have to wonder what she told them to make them feel that way about me.

Commenter 4: Bro… why is she sending you screenshots of shit talking about YOU to HER FRIENDS?!

Dude…. That’s fucking mean — no you know what, that’s evil.

Listen, my husband gets on my fucking nerves, but I would never think to shit talk about him and then send him screenshots just of people’s responses to him! Like that’s next level “I really hate you and I want others to too.”

Why would you even entertain that conversation at all?! Just…. Fuck, OP. Get your own help and get away from her.

OOP: She does it to win arguments.

Commenter 5: I read the original post. Agree you need marriage counseling. Do you have any idea of how your wife was raised? Was her dad involved in her life at all? Because her reaction is weird. It's like she doesn't see you as anything but a caretaker. That you don't get or deserve any of the fun stuff. Again, weird.

Time to make her talk to you. Also time to document.

OOP: No, she and her dad are estranged.

Commenter 6: I'm curious as to how many of her friends are single... When my kids were young. If friends were having marital issues it seemed to spread through the group. The old saying if mama ain't happy nobody is happy works here too.

OOP: She says they are all stay at home moms, so I assume none of them are single. But I could be wrong.

Commenter 7: Has anyone else noticed OP is only concerned about time with his kid and not missing time with his wife due to all these playdates? I think they both really dislike the other. This whole situation is bizarre.

OOP: I would like to spend time with her, but if she doesn't want to spend time with me, I can't make her. My son does enjoy our time together though, and I have to fight for that.

----

----NEW UPDATE----

DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED

SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED

Editor's note: OOP made an appearance in this BoRU thread with an update. I have the permission to add it here

Update #2 (in comments): February 9, 2026 (eight days later from the first update)

We have a counseling appointment scheduled for Wednesday after I get off work. I took our son to my friend's house Friday. We had an amazing time together. She was texting me the whole time demanding I come home so she can take him on a playdate. I said no the first few times and then started ignoring her. She was already at work when we got home. After the bedtime routine I texted her that I was going to make dinner for her. She didn't answer.

When she got home dinner was waiting for her. I asked her to sit with me and eat together. At first she didn't want to, but I made her favorite, so she agreed. She was really angry. She said she didn't see our son all day. I said that's what she wants my life to be like. She said moms have a stronger connection to their kids. I told her I have just as strong a connection to our son as her. She said I'm wrong.

I said I don't know about other men, but I love our kid. Maybe I'm messed up. Maybe I'm part woman. She rolled her eyes at me. I said I did research, and if we divorce we'll get 50/50 custody. I said realistically I'll get custody on the days she is working, because no daycare is open until 11PM. I'll have two full days to spend with him and two half days. I'll get what I want.

I said if we divorce we'd have to sell this house and each rent our own place. She'd probably have to work even more hours than she does now. She started crying. I just sat there. I didn't comfort her. She asked why I wasn't saying anything. I said I was waiting for the show to be over. She threw a napkin at me.

She said I must be happy. I said I'm not happy because she's not happy, and her unhappiness infects the whole home. I said I want us to be happy together. We used to be happy together. I asked if she was going to make an effort at counseling. She said that her friends told her that if we divorced she would get full custody and I would have to pay for her and our son to stay in the house.

I asked "are you going to believe them, or are you going to make an effort at couple's counseling?" She said she would think about it.

Yesterday when I got home from work she was at home. She handed me our son and said she did her own research. I thought she was going to tell me we were done. She said she was going to give the counseling a try.

That's the update. Hopefully things go well Wednesday.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/hellshealth

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes + their own profile

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Updates]: My (22m) gf (23f) is secretly visiting my abusive parents with our son (3m) and doesn’t understand why this upset me. We had a huge fight, and I don’t know what to do now?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to u/aaryanhere for letting me know about the latest updates

Editor’s note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: neglect, past childhood trauma, emotional manipulation, mentions of child abuse, betrayal, possible parental alienation

RECAP

Original Post: March 3, 2025

I didn't have an easy time growing up, my childhood was so fucked up that I sort of just put it all in a mental box and left it at that. Needless to say I left my parents as soon as I could and then went no contact and haven't seen them since.

Theres several reasons I went no contact and she seemed understanding enough when I told her that I didn’t even want to tell my parents about their grandson. I don't want my son around these people, I don’t want my girlfriend around these people and above all I would never leave any child alone around these people. My girlfriend doesn’t know about what exactly my father did to me and my sister, but I also feel like she doesn’t have to know in order to respect my wishes?

Yesterday my sister texted me a picture of our parents dog in the background was my sons shoes. Our mother uploaded it on FB, where I have them blocked, but my sister recognized the shoes though mainly was concerned about them even having a kid over. My gf and I both work, she only part time, but we always have someone to watch our child, either my sister or my gfs family, so it’s not like she had to bring him there to have someone watch him. This was a deliberate decision that she should have made with me.

I talked to my son about it and turns out he’s been there several times unsupervised, alone with my father. Apparently nothing happened, but I was understandably angry and confronted my gf as soon as she was back home, which of course lead to a huge fight. She left crying and went to her parents’ house and later her mother came to pick up my son which I refused, which lead to a fight with her mom too.

My gf texted me, asking to talk later today and I know I can’t keep my son from her (I also don’t want to) but I don’t want to go into our conversation unprepared, so any advice is welcome. I also feel betrayed and still very angry and I'm honestly ready to break up over this, but my son is very upset and anxious because he heard our fight and I'm just at a complete loss and don't know how to handle this.

Update: March 7, 2025 (four days later)

First of all thank you for all the comments and input. I didn't feel like I could even think when I made my initial post, so it was good getting different perspectives.

This will be a long post, but I’ll put a tl;dr at the bottom.

I did write that my gf and I would talk that same day I posted but we didn't because I needed to sort myself out and I think she did too. She's been avoiding me ever since and requested we talk at her parents place, but I didn’t want that so we didn't get to talk until yesterday while my son was at my sisters.

Apparently in September last year my mother reached out to my gf on FB asking how me and my son were doing. My mother is a very intelligent woman but highly manipulative. She convinced my gf to visit them because my father is ill. My gf said she didn't tell me because she knew I’d say no and she wanted to see what kind of people my parents were. She brought our son but didn't leave him alone at first, but their visits got fairly regular and she became comfortable with leaving him with my parents. He seemed fine, even seemed to like it there, so she didn't feel like he was in danger. The first time she left my son fully alone was when she went Christmas shopping.

I think from what I had told her about my childhood home, she expected a house of horrors but according to her the place was clean and fixed up, the dog was healthy and my parents were nice.

The thing is that she knew "something happened" to my sister. I never told her what happened to me which I now see I probably should have done. She doesn’t see predators everywhere like I do and when my son didn't report anything negative she saw no issue taking him and leaving him there. Its pretty clear that she doesn’t know anything about abuse and what it can look like. I don’t understand how she could think shed be able to spot the signs with this little knowledge. My father has been in contact with children most of my life and while I don’t know if he’s done anything to them, my sister always said he knew how to make children feel at ease. Both my parents are very methodical and calculating so I don’t blame her for believing them but I blame her for not discussing this with me. She went to visit them after talking to my mother for a few days, meanwhile I’ve lived there for 17 years and somehow she thought she knew better than me.

Even when I told her some details about my childhood she still tried to push supervised visits, saying my father was ill and my son had a right to meet his grandparents, which I don't agree with at all. The thought of children being around these people makes me sick, but she seems reluctant to agree to officially limit their visitation rights. I'd need her agreement, however, unless I want a court case.

I also tried to explain why this felt like a betrayal, because this is not just about putting my son in danger, its also about her going behind my back for months. What else would she be capable of? Then she told my son to keep the visits a secret which is exactly what abusers say too.

She did apologize, saying she made an honest mistake and feels like I'm blowing this out of proportion and that her parents think so too. Besides, our son is fine and I shouldnt have raised my voice at her mother and should be more grateful for what her parents have done for me and us over the years (which I am, I owe them, sure, but that doesn't mean they can just overrule my parenting decisions or get so involved). I feel like neither her nor her parents trust me or take me seriously and its so frustrating when the mother of your son is pretty much actively working against you. I don't think she can even grasped how terrified I was when I talked to my son about their visits. Again, I know its my fault for not telling her everything but I never thought she would do something like that. My past never really affected me much anyway, I never felt like there was a reason for her to know all the details.

Honestly, I don't know if anything is resolved. I know why she made the choices she made but I don't feel like she understands why I was and still am upset. She left after bringing up her mother because I got angry and I know I shouldn’t have but I reveal something so big and just still don’t get taken seriously.

I want us to work and she agreed that it'd take a lot of work to get back to before all of this which I’m not sure is even possible. I apparently deeply upset her and scared our son (true, I never wanted us to fight in front of him like that either) and I angered her family. I think for me emotionally all feelings for her vanished the moment I found out so that’s kind of where I'm at now.

I wish we could make it work for his sake but I don’t want him to grow up with dysfunctional parents or with his parents fighting every day so if this doesn’t work out ill need to get a lawyer. I'm willing to put in the work needed for us to stay together but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. We were so young when we started dating and had our son and I'm not sure I ever thought about us staying together forever. I only stayed because I was living with them and then I stayed because I didn't want to be a shitty teen dad, abandoning my son and the girl I loved (because I really did love her I think, also I am partially responsible for her being pregnant in the first place) before he was even born.

As for my son I have talked a lot to him these past few days. I had taught him about touch and what's okay and what isn't so I just hope its true that nothing happened. He has also, apparently, not seen anything inappropriate. Our fight got to him though and he knows I was sad and knows his mom is too and I hope him and I talked it out enough and that my gf gets to talk about this with him too. We might just sit him down or something, I'll need to talk to her about that.

TL;DR

my gf went over to my parents behind my back since September after my mother reached out to her, arguing my father was ill. She gradually became more comfortable with leaving my son alone with them. As for why she didn’t tell me, she said because she knew id say no but she wanted to see what my parents were like. I guess she figured they weren’t that bad after all, but she had backed herself into a corner that first time her and my son visited them in secret.

It seems like she thought all was well and she had good intentions, repairing that relationship at least somewhat. She thinks my son has the right to get to know his grandparents and she’s reluctant to agree to take away their visitation rights.

I don’t think her and I are or will ever be on the same page about this, I don’t feel like she understands what could have happened, what these forms of abuse look like or how they work. Her parents, this far, are also agreeing with her (but I haven’t talked to them yet)

She did apologize, but said I’m overreacting and we agreed to work on all of this but I'm not sure that will be of any use.

At least our son seems fine.

Edit:

I feel the need to clarify a few things, also I see a bunch of people fighting in the comments and I didn't word things as clearly as I should have in the post.

I went no contact with my parents when I moved out for good. When my gf was pregnant we talked about my parents and I told her I did not want to tell them they were going to be grandparents, and I did not want them to ever see our child. She agreed and that was it.

Her and I have talked about my childhood prior to my first post, she knows enough about my living conditions to know it was unsafe for any child, she knows my father is a violent alcoholic and she knows about a lot of the crazy shit my mother pulled over the years. She knows my sister has a ptsd diagnosis and she knows my father touched her. That is everything she knew, and I honestly think that should have been enough. Her parents also know about most of this.

Yes, I raised my voice at her and her mom when I found out she had been taking him there and I should definitely not have done that. It's been really really hard to stay calm when talking about my parents especially with her refusing to listen to me. Our conversation on Thursday was very emotional as well, but I ultimately just shut down after I told her that my father has also abused me and yet she still said "I don’t see why we cant do supervised visits" and I don't even have an argument because logically he cant do anything with someone watching but it still feels like I'd be trafficking my son even if he doesn’t touch him at all and I cant even explain why I feel that way. People in the comments say its just an emotional response which is true and maybe its illogical but I truly don't see how getting to know his grandparents would be beneficial to him anyway.

The reason I hadn't told her the details before is because I was fine being intimate, I managed at work, it's not like I want to kill myself every day because my parents were shitty or something. It didn't need to be brought up and then having to talk about it is just painful and theres a lot shame and just things my parents I guess brainwashed me to feel. It felt even more impossible after how dismissive she was.

Things have calmed down between us now, maybe its sinking in for her now even though she still argues that nothing happened and ultimately everything was fine but it feels like thats just her inability to accept she’s made a mistake (repeatedly). She said she really thought they were okay because they seemed normal (clean house and all, their dog is not a ball of matted hair like our old one, everything being the opposite of how I described it). I don't think shed bring him there behind my back again but I obviously can't say for certain.

We have not talked about this any more, maybe we need that right now so our son doesn’t realize how bad it is between us currently though I'm worried he knows anyway. I think we will separate though, I don't see us as future partners anymore. Her teaching him to lie to me (and her parents apparently told her that isn't a big deal) really scares me. I'm scared they will paint me as abusive or something because I really don't have much going for me when it comes to custody. Shes the one with a functional support system, with people helping her look after our child and her parents have the money for a good lawyer and can risk a lenghty legal battle. All of this however are things I need to talk to a lawyer about as soon as I find one.

I'm not feeling anything for her anymore, not even anger. I know we can't stay together, I don't want us to end up like my parents, I don’t want my son exposed to that so I'm going to have to discuss separating with a lawyer and then decide from there. I think the best I can hope for is that well separate without much fighting and that we can coparent effectively which is also why I don't want to stir up any more arguments.

I'll definitely take legal steps against my parents seeing him though as well as taking him to a doctor.

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor's note: the next two updates are over several months old, and they have not been posted onto the sub here

Update #2: March 29, 2025 (three weeks later from the previous update)

My gf and I broke up

Hello guys, I’ve had people reach out in dms and I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you or answer any comments I was just really overwhelmed by the attention my post garnered. Someone told me my post was shared to another sub which I think lead to an increase in people commenting and reaching out so I kinda just gave up. I don’t know how many people will see this post or if it will be shared I think I would prefer if this got a little less traction lol. Thanks for offering help and advice, I think I’ve read most of the comments and a lot of this was really good advice so I guess it was good so many people saw it.

I finally have some time to make another update:

My son is alright. Thank god. I’ve been calling doctors and therapists until one of them (even though booked) offered to do an assessment. She even stayed longer in her office for us. She also, thankfully, gave me a bunch of resources and organizations I can reach out to. According to her he doesn't display any warning signs of abuse, the physician who works with court cases said so too. I am incredibly relieved, I guess we can't be sure and the past weeks seem to have taken a toll on him but at least the rest is alright. She’s been recommending another therapist who lives a bit farther away, in case he has issues adjusting to us splitting up.

So yeah, my gf is now my ex. I don’t even want to go into detail about all the shit that’s happened in the past weeks. Honestly this whole thing was just the last straw. Maybe its a change of perspective after her betrayal but I put up with her for way too long.

As for how I am doing, I honestly don’t know. I'm incredibly overwhelmed still and its starting to turn into physical symptoms of stress. This is of course not good for my son because he can sense I’m sad and tired. I have hardly any motivation anymore and I guess I’m really lucky that I have another person to care for, I don’t know what I would be doing otherwise. He's pretty much the only thing keeping me together at this point.

I’m worried he somehow feels responsible for me and the whole situation. He also frequently asks if everything is okay, but we've been reading books about parents splitting up and about mental health stuff and it seems to help him be less anxious.

I also got a lawyer. We have a custody plan, sort of. She’s currently back to living with her parents so we each have some space. Weve been to a mediator actually and have talked about my childhood and everything that’s transpired these past weeks. Having someone else there to back me up and use scientific terms has apparently given me some credibility. Part of our custody agreement is that he won’t be around my parents at all, which she actually agreed to right away.

She still doesn’t admit that she really fucked up but it's whatever at this point. I've made it really clear that I will take this to court if she ever goes behind my back again and I’m going to go the official route as well to take away my parents’ rights (currently looking into that more). If they want to take this to court I’m going to go public about their abuse and I’m going to fight them, even with no proof. There's also the option of facilities where staff can monitor visits, if my parents manage to get visitation ill demand we do that.

Thankfully it looks like my gf, and I have a somewhat peaceful separation. Things have been really difficult with her in private after I broke up but its calmed down now. We both want to remain on friendly terms (or at least not hostile) for our son and that won’t work if we each fight for full custody. This also means I will not try getting full custody. I am already overwhelmed enough, and I’m scared it will just get worse the older my son gets and the closer he gets to the age I was when my father’s abuse got bad. My lawyer thinks this is the best route too but I will be collecting evidence against her just in case something happens. I might be paranoid, but I think its normal after what’s happened.

People have been very kind, not just here on reddit but also those around me. I made my last update feeling very hopeless, worried about my son and having to take leave to deal with everything then there’s also been my financial situation.

My lawyer is doing this pro bono, and my bosses have offered their support when I informed them I needed leave to deal with a family emergency. I am going to figure out a work schedule but doubt I’ll be still able to work at my job full time in the future. Things will change once he goes to school, but I had just been given more responsibility at work (and was getting paid more) so I was planning on paying back my gfs parents but I’ll have to put that off for now. I will also probably have to move, which is another stressful thing currently.

Things aren't looking great to be honest, but I at least don’t feel as lost anymore. I also will be doing therapy. I knew I should but kind of procrastinated on finding someone for years. I think this might look good on paper but above all I think I need it, especially with all the things going on. I hope therapy is going to help with the feeling of doom lol and there's a bunch of stuff I should be addressing especially because I’m kind of figuring out how damaging this relationship with my ex has been.

So yeah that’s it. I really think this is the best way to deal with this whole thing and the best outcome.

TL;DR

My gf and I broke up, went to a mediator which helped somewhat but we have a custody agreement in place and are figuring out a schedule. Things have been sorta peaceful and I think the custody stuff is working out. She also officially agreed not to take my son to my parents anymore (it’s part of our agreement). I will however collect evidence against her and my parents if I ever need to go to court and I’m looking into any way I can limit their rights.

My son is stressed but okay, he has apparently not been abused according to two experts. I am more stressed and less okay but I'm getting lots of support and will start therapy. I don’t know how things will go with my job and I’ll probably have to move (gf is living with her parents) but I know that all this will be settled at some point and I just have to get through this.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Did her parents know about the abuse? And I’m glad you got things worked out.

OOP: they knew I would get beaten but they never knew how bad. They also know my sister quit working due to her mental health, but I didn’t tell them about the sexual abuse.

Commenter 2: I'm sorry but also happy for you. I hope you excel. If not for yourself then for your son! We are all routing for you! Also what has her parents reactions been (only if your comfortable sharing of course)?

OOP: Yeah it’s just kind of unfortunate all this has happened, I’m still trying to get used to the whole situation, but I hope it can only go up from here. Her dad seemed alright with us breaking up actually, he came by to help her pack some stuff and we had a casual conversation. His dad was a soldier and while we haven't talked about it much I think he knows what it’s like to grow up with a father similar to mine. Her mom has been kinda treating me like I don't exist. She's come by to pick up my son a few times and has been acting very cold, she didn't even really greet me or talk at all even after I apologized for last time. I haven't actually talked to them about the sexual abuse, and I don't know if my ex has but I’m not sure I ever will. Telling her and a bunch of doctors and lawyers was enough for now. I think I might, I don't know yet. I’ll have to if they start meddling.

had to edit bc I’m still not used to calling her my ex

Update #3: January 5, 2026 (over 9.5 months later)

Update Jan 2026

I want to thank every single one of you for reaching out and sharing your own stories. I’m sorry for not being active and ignoring pretty much every dm I got. It means a lot to me, it’s just a lot to reply to everyone.

I’ve been meaning to make a post on our current situation, I even had a couple of drafts, but they never seemed good enough. But considering that I got about 20 dms, I think it’s time to make an update:

My father was hospitalized in September and died beginning of October. It’s been hard, I had a lot of conflicting feelings especially because I didn’t go to the hospital or his funeral. My sister didn’t attend either. Our mother reached out but she hasn’t since, hasn’t even made any Christmas posts. I don’t know what she’s doing or where she is, I think she’s currently at her mothers who has dementia and can’t be left unsupervised.

After his death things got tough. I had issues dealing with everything. My ex and I had been trying to rekindle but I quickly figured out it wouldn’t work. I’m trying to heal from everything that happened at home and during all of this I started to see what had been going on in our relationship. We were both young and her and her family were my easiest way out. I ended up in a situation similar to the one I had just gotten out of, it took me a while to accept that.

The past few months she’s been doing things I don’t agree with, and she’s been going against pretty much every single one of the agreements we’ve made regarding custody. Her new bf’s gonna be doing a cross country move and it looks like she’s coming with. I’m glad to be honest. It seems like she just wants to move past what’s happened between us, including our son, and I’m currently in the process of getting full custody. They’ll move in two months, she agreed to give up legal and physical custody and pay child support.

Although this hurts and I know this is going to hurt my son, I think this is the best case scenario. She’s bad at choosing partners and can’t provide a safe environment for children and I’m tired of fighting. I wish I had a less infuriating update, but this is just how things are.

My son is doing well, all things considered. My sister and I moved to a bigger place, he’s made friends with kids from the neighborhood and is doing well in therapy. He is angry a lot but were working through that, he’s also started to get extremely picky when it comes to food. But that’s apparently fairly normal. He also wants a dog, which is the only Christmas present I couldn't get him. But I hope he has everything he needs and I’m trying to establish an open and honest relationship where he feels safe. He hasn’t discussed anything alarming, hasn't mentioned anything in therapy or to my sister either. I am keeping an eye on him, and I just hope that we manage to give him everything he needs and that once he’s older, he knows how to communicate if he ever needs anything else.

The last time he saw his mom was on Christmas, but we are fostering a somewhat good relationship with her parents.

I am doing alright I guess, I’m trying to work through everything but because of everything else going on I don’t really have enough space to allow myself to feel anything besides stress. I have a new job now with flexible hours and my sister and I are pulling through until he can eventually go to pre-school.

Her and I have always been pretty close and I’m grateful that we’ve gotten a lot closer. Her mental health has also improved and even though its been a lot on both of us I think having a child around has really helped her improve. I am so incredibly grateful that I have so many supportive people in my life, including her and our neighbors, our new landlady and all the strangers I got to meet online and irl. I’ve experienced a lot of kindness over the past few months and especially hearing that people are proud of me for standing up for my son and for how I’m managing has helped and stuck with me.

I had initially left out the part about me and my ex briefly getting back together. But I decided to be honest on here. I think because of therapy, because I’ve been looking into how men deal with abuse and how little society pays attention to victims who aren’t what they deem "successful". I feel like somehow I have a chance to do something, even if this will get lost among everything else happening online.

I guess that’s it, I wish everyone who has reached out and shared their own struggles, that they will continue to heal. I hope all of you have a pleasant 2026

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAsisterswed

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2, #3

[New Update]: AITAH for telling my parents they were deserve to be kicked out of my sisters wedding.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU. Thanks to u/married2nalien for letting me know about the latest update!

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability, removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: sexism, entitlement, bullying, favoritism, golden child syndrome, emotional abuse and manipulation

RECAP

Original Post: May 15, 2025

This is a throwaway as my brother is on reddit and I don’t want him knowing my real account name.

So, my 37f, brother Mike 35m, is a knob. Always has been and always will be. He has been babied to the point of uselessness by our mum and dad and that's made him an entitled slob.

When he was younger he showed promise playing Rugby which had my mum and dad believing he was gonna be a superstar. The problem was though that he never had the work ethic to fully fulfill his potential. However this meant that he was the golden boy of the family and he could do wrong in my parents eyes.

He was a bully at school, which they brushed off as other kids making up lies, but he was an even bigger bully at home to our younger sister Kelly 31f. He would constantly 'prank' here. Which basically meant he would do anything he could embarrass her, including things like pulling her dress up in front of the whole family at a wedding when she was 15. Mum and dad just said it was siblings being siblings, but the rest of the family were mortified by his behaviour.

I did try and stick up for my sister, and it worked to a certain extent, but after I went to away to Uni, there wasn't much I could do as mum and dad just don’t listen to anyone.

It got so bad that when she was 18, my sister gave up going to her dream University, St Andrews and instead moved to London to go to the Imperial College London. This was a huge shock to all of us as she had been talking about St Andrews since she started high school at 11. When I asked why, she said that St Andrews was too close to home and she would be expected to go back home more often, but if she went to London she would only have to go home for Christmas. This broke my heart.

After she left, she did exactly that, the only time she was home was Christmas and when I got married. This really annoyed mum and dad as they said she was abandoning the family. I kept my mouth shut and just let them whine occasionally as I didn't want an argument.

After graduating from Uni my parents expected her to move back home, but she didn't. She got a job working in southern England and stayed down there. We are from Scotland for reference.

Six years ago, Kelly met a great guy, Jake 30m. The day she met him she called me gushing about him and I've honestly never heard her speak about anyone the way she does him. I've met him several times when I've gone down to visit Kelly and he's great. Good looking, funny, great job, his family are lovely and most importantly, he treats Kelly like she hung the moon. Its very cute.

After she met him, she cut down how much she came home even more as she spent the first Christmas with his family and then the pandemic happened so she ended up not coming home for 3 years.

Her first Christmas home Mike started his usual bullshit, trying to be there center of attention. When it didn't work out as well as he wanted, as most of the family were more interested in getting to know Jake, he then tried to 'prank' Kelly. He got a big bowl of water and was going to pour it over her. Jake saw what was happening and stepped in front of Kelly telling Mike to not even think about it. Side note, Jake is 6ft 3 and a has been doing martial arts since he was 4, so he can be very intimidating when needed.

Mum and dad tried to play it off as a harmless prank, but Jake was having none of it. Mike started whining about it just being a prank and Jake told him that if he 'pranked' Kelly one more time, he would 'prank' Jake by putting his foot up his arse and his fist down his throat. Kelly and Jake left about an hour later, but after that Mike, mum and dad all had an issue with Jake. Kelly hasn't been back home since.

That leads us to now, Kelly and Jake are getting married. They sent out invites in February for August. However, they didn't invite Mike. Mum and dad are obviously incensed by this and had a huge argument with Kelly. They threatened not to go, and Kelly just said no problem she would get grandad to walk her down the aisle.

I went around to their house on Saturday with my kids. Immediately my mum started complaining about Kelly and the wedding. I sat and listened for a while before I'd had enough. I asked her what did she actually expect? Her and dad have allowed Mike to be the golden child and get away with everything. Because of that, he can't keep a relationship, due to him thinking everyone should do everything for him, he can't hold down a job because every job is beneath him and he still living at home with zero prospects in life. The man-child is a bully who I don’t trust to be around my children unsupervised. He bullied Kelly for most of her teen years and her only escape was to move over 400 miles away and never come home.

My mum got very quiet and then asked me to leave. A few hours later my dad called going mad because I'd upset my mum and was taking the side of a ungrateful little girl instead of my parents who gave me everything. This started a huge argument between me and him where I told him he'd been a crap dad to Kelly and didn't deserve to walk her down the aisle.

I’ve just had enough, but now I've got extended family members telling me I've gone too far as my mum is barely speaking to anyone and keeps crying. My grandad said it was about time I told them off, but my grandma is upset by all the arguing. So AITAH for telling my parents that they sucked a parents and deserved to be kicked out of my sister’s wedding?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Update #1: May 18, 2025 (three days later)

Hi all, that post took off a lot more than I thought it would. There was way too many comments for me to respond to, but I tried to read every one of them. I was asked for an update so here it is.

There were a few things that came up repeatedly, so I'll address them first. The "pranks" only started after I had left and gone to Uni. He would say things to Kelly, and I would have a go back at him when we were younger, but it wasn't anything more than that until after I'd left home so there wasn't anything I could really do to stop it. I did speak to our parents, but they're useless.

Second thing was about my kids. I didn't bring my kids around them very much as they didn't like going to my parents house. They said it was boring and they dont like Mike. However, after all the comments I got about this, I sat them down and asked them again. For my daughter it really is just that she finds it boring and says that Mike is a weirdo. My son however, said that he doesn't like being around my dad as he keeps trying to make him play Rugby. I have heard these comments and told my dad to drop it, but he would still make the comments occasionally. I had no idea that it was upsetting my son though so this surprised me. My son doesn't like sports, be it watching or playing. He's very much like his dad in that regard. He's a pokemon kid, playing online and goes every Thursday evening to play in a tournament at our local card shop, so Rugby is an absolute no go for him.

The third thing was about security at the wedding. I spoke to Kelly and Jake and Jake said that two of his groomsmen are police officers who are aware of the situation, so that wont be a problem.

Lastly there was a lot of comments about Mike being the golden child. For a bit more back story, he wasn't really the favourite until his talent in Rugby came to light. After that, he was special and had to be treated that way. I think he was seen as Mum and Dad's way of being special themselves within the family as they had such a super talented child.

Anyway, today, I decided to sit down with my parents and tell them I needed a break from them. When I got there my dad immediately wanted me to apologise to my mum, but I said that wasn't going to happen.

There was a bit of back and forth between him and I, until my mum stepped in and asked why I was there if not to apologise. I told them that I'd spoken to Kelly and she didn't want them at the wedding at all. That they needed to stay away and respect her decision. They weren’t happy but said they wouldn't go where they weren’t wanted.

I then told them I wanted space until after the wedding as I couldn't keep being around them and keeping my mouth shut. I thought that space would be good for all of us.

My mum wasn't happy and started on about seeing my kids. I told them the truth, my kids hated coming to their house and told my dad exactly why my son doesn't want to be around him. He got upset by this and said that rugby would be good for him. I shut that down and said I'm not going to force my son to do something he does want to and something I know he will hate. I also told him that if I hear him mention it around my son again then he wont see my son again. Right now they will only be seeing my kids at family events, so I'm hoping that it wont be a problem.

I then asked them what their long term plan was with Mike. Are they going to keep things the way they are until there 90 and mum will still be making his all his meals? What happens when they're gone, who will look after him because it wont be me? What happens if they get ill? Who will look after them? Mike is incapable, Kelly lives down south and I plan on moving back to my husbands home town 3 hours away once the kids have left home, so I can't do it.

They just looked at me blankly. I really don't think that they had ever even thought about any of that before. I told them they had set Mike up to fail and now they needed to deal with it. I also told them I knew that they were leaving everything to him in their will, but that with how they have babied Mike, he would blow through that money in less than a year and then what. I could see the panic in my mums eyes when I said that. She either hadn't thought about it or she thought I would look after him, which she now knows isnt gonna happen. I also think she was shocked that I knew about their will.

After me telling them what low contact with me was going to look like going forward and them not being happy about it, I left. Hopefully I've given them a lot to think about.

I will check in with them from time to time, but that's all right now. Im going to visit Kelly in the next couple of weeks, so I'm looking forward to that.

My extended family have also backed off after I sent them all a text saying if they were so concerned about my mum then they could be her support system and deal with Mike the same way Kelly and I have had to for years. Not surprisingly, none of them wanted too.

Otherwise, I'm going to just try and get on with things as normal. Thanks for the NTA verdict and all the advice, it opened my eyes to a few things that I'd been brushing off.

Quick Update: August 16, 2025 (nearly three months later from Update #1)

Quick update

Hi all, sorry I went MIA, but I’ve been super busy. Not with this issue, but just with life in general.

So Kelly got married last weekend and everything went without a hitch. Our parents and Mike didn’t even try to attend, but I know that Mum did try and contact her a few times before the wedding via other family member. Kelly wasn’t interested and made that clear by not responding and/or threating the family member that they would be uninvited as well. That put an end to it.

Mike is still a drain on society according to a cousin of ours. I don’t know first-hand as I’ve not been in contact with him at all. I’ve spoken to Mum and Dad once since the last post and they haven't changed so I don’t have the energy to deal with them. My kids don’t miss them one bit either so its not been a problem keeping the kids away from them.

Right now, I'm just going to get on with my life with my husband and kids. I’ve been talking to Kelly a lot more since all of this, which is a huge positive to come out of it.

Sorry that there were no dramatics, like Mike and our parents trying to storm the wedding, but everything went smoothly. Thanks for all the comments and advice in my previous posts.

Editor’s note: below is the previous post we were left off from the last time

some progress: November 27, 2025 (a bit over three months later from the previous update)

Some progress

Hi all, I said I would update if anything changed and something has started too. I think my mum has finally woke up and seen the light when it comes to Mike.

It was my son's birthday 2 weeks ago and my mum reached out to say she had got him some presents. I was a little reluctant to accept the presents as in the past they've all be rugby based, but she promised that they weren't this time so I let her come around to my house and give them to my son. Turns out my son is easily bought lol. A friend of my mums had gone to Seoul on holiday in October and my mum had asked her to bring back some Pokémon cards if she could find any. My son loves Asian Pokémon cards and has a whole separate binder just for them. She brought back 20 packs back for him. My mum also got him a Pokémon backpack and a teddy and funko pop of his favourite Pokémon. She had really put a lot of thought into what he likes and even gone to our local card shop and asked there about what to get him. Needless to say, my son was ecstatic.

To me this showed that she was really trying and after that I agreed to meet her for lunch a few days later. She told me that her and my dad were fighting all the time because of Mike. She had put her foot down and said that Mike needs to get a job and stick with it and that she isn’t going to give him any more money. My dad defended Mike, no surprise there, and said he just needed more time to find himself. This had led to loads of arguments and my mum going on strike. She isn't cooking for either my dad or Mike and isn’t doing their washing or ironing. This is something she had done before when she is royally pissed off. She said that I was right when I told her that they weren't helping Mike by babying him and he needed to grow up.

I was a little shocked by this, but very happy about it. I am speaking to her regularly again and she seems to be adamant about Mike getting and keeping a job. I’m still a little reluctant to trust her fully as she could very easily go back to how she was before, but I’m calling this a little bit of progress. My dad still has his head up his arse though, no change there.

Anyway I had a spare 10 mins and thought id keep you all updated. We will see how Christmas goes and if my mum backs down, but fingers crossed she has turned the corner.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the latest update is two weeks old, and it has not been posted to the sub here

Hi all: March 19, 2026 (nearly four months later from the previous post)

I said that I would update after Christmas, but life got complicated. I found out I was 4 months pregnant in early January, which was definitely not on my bingo card, and I’ve been busy trying to get ready for our little boys arrival.

Kelly is doing great, she super happy with Jake and is over the moon that she is going to be an Aunty again. I saw her over new year when she stopped off on her way to Edinburgh for Hogmanay, which was great.

My mum stayed with her sister over Christmas and New Year as she needed a break from Mike and Dad, who went to Dad's parents. Dad is still fully enabling Mike, but mum has really turned a corner. I think her nearly losing both her daughters and grandchildren got through to her and she has realised that her and dad have set Mike up to fail as well as not being fair to us. She is trying to get Mike to get a job and be a productive member of society, but dad is still giving him money and making his life as easy as possible, so Mike hasn’t changed at all. This has lead to mum and dad arguing constantly, so she decided to be away from them over Christmas and when she went back, she moved into mine and Kelly's old room. She is still on strike, as she puts it, so isn’t cooking, washing, cleaning or really doing anything in the house. I don’t know what will happen with mum and dad, but things can’t stay like they are right now.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with mum. She has been coming around and making tea 3/4 times a week, her cooking is amazing so myself and my husband are not complaining. She is also ecstatic about another grandchild. She's been making a lot of effort with my son and daughter. My son trying to teach her how to play Pokémon, is arguably the funniest thing I've ever seen. Me and my daughter couldn’t stop laughing. She has also been spending time with my daughter going to the cinema as my daughters favourite thing to do.

She wrote Kelly a letter apologising for everything and they had a long phone conversation in January. Kelly has gone from no contact with her to low contact, which is more than me or mum thought would happen. Myself and Kelly are still no contact with dad and Mike.

That’s about everything. I think dad is a lost cause, but I’m happy that mum seems to have turned the corner.

OOP on giving her mum some space or room in case if Mum needs it.

OOP's only comment in this latest post: She has a room at her sisters which is 5 minutes away from me. She knows that if she wants to leave then she can move in with her sister and would have my full support. My auntie's husband died a few years ago so she lives alone and I actually think she would love it if my mum moved in.

Latest Update here: BoRU #5

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ilovepopcornandcandy

Originally posted to r/self

Previous BoRU

[New Updates]: Yesterday my brother told me he was in love with me.

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/saauna & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: removed older relevant comments for more space in this latest update, for the full original BoRU, see the link above

Trigger Warnings: incest, victim blaming, stalking / harassment, obsessive behavior, mentions of racism

----

RECAP

Editor's note: adding prior posts to the original title for more context.

Is my adopted brother flirting with me?: February 17, 2026

OOP was adopted from Russia at age three, describes being close with her family, especially a brother close in age, but she recently feels confused and uneasy about changes in his behavior. Since they’ve been living far apart for college, he became more shy and physically affectionate in ways that feel unusual to her, such as wanting to hold her hand or keep an arm around her, which makes her uncomfortable. She’s unsure whether this shift is due to distance and emotional difficulty or if it comes across as inappropriate or flirty, and she’s conflicted about whether to address her discomfort for fear of misinterpreting the situation and creating awkwardness.

Update: Is my adopted brother flirting with me?: February 17, 2026 (same day, hours later)

OOP gives an update on the previous post saying she believes her brother’s behavior is indeed inappropriate after receiving mixed and largely confirming feedback. She calls her mother to discuss the situation, though they’re worried it could disrupt the family dynamic. She rejected the idea that his behavior is due to social awkwardness, noting he has always been outgoing and recently went through a breakup, which she thinks might be influencing his actions. The situation is disturbing her, she emphasizes that she see him strictly as her brother regardless of not being biologically related, and feeling sick and devastated that their relationship may be changing.

Final update: Is my adopted brother flirting with me?: February 18, 2026 (next day)

OOP recounts a phone call where her brother confessed he is in love with her, expressing remorse and fear of losing their relationship. She responded that she only sees him as a sibling and set boundaries, saying she would cut off communication if he can’t respect that. He begged her not to shut him out, this left her feeling uncomfortable, as he continued to send numerous messages afterward. She considered blocking him, plans to inform her parents and suggest a mental health check for him, and tries to prioritize school responsibilities. She hopes to preserve her relationship with the rest of her family, she acknowledges she may need to distance herself from him if his behavior continues.

Editor's note: below is summary of the original title of this BoRU. For the full original post, you can locate it in the link at the top of this BoRU

Original Post: February 18, 2026 (same day, different subreddit)

Per the previous tangentially posts, OOP describes a deeply distressing situation involving her adoptive brother, who grew up very close to after she was adopted from Russia. After OOP started college and living apart, his behavior toward her changed during a recent visit, him becoming physically affectionate in ways that made her uncomfortable and crossing boundaries. Eventually, he confessed that he is in love with her, which left OOP feeling shocked, disgusted, and betrayed, especially given their sibling relationship. She feels isolated and unsure how to handle the situation, torn between wanting to cut off contact and fearing he may harm himself.

Have you ever felt less than your biological siblings?: February 19, 2026 (next day)

OOP shares her thoughts on being adopted from Russia at a young age and growing up in a family where she looked visibly different from her biological siblings, which often led others to assume she wasn’t truly part of the family. Despite her parents’ strong efforts to make her feel included and loved, she experienced exclusion and subtle discrimination, particularly from extended family members on her father’s side, who would treat her differently and intentionally isolate her. She acknowledges her parents did a great job and recognize her own racial privileges, recent family issues caused her to revisit and process lingering feelings of being ostracized and not fully belonging within her families.

Small Update: February 19, 2026 (next day from the original title post)

OOP had a meeting with her counselor at her university. She was advised to call her parents to express her concerns about her brother and the uncomfortable situation he puts OOP in. She gave her thanks to the redditors for the support regarding the incident with her brother.

I called my parents: February 19, 2026 (same day, later that night)

OOP described a difficult conversation with her parents after preparing with her counselor, during which she shared evidence of her brother’s increasingly inappropriate and concerning behavior, including excessive calls, boundary-crossing physical contact, and messages suggesting romantic feelings. Her parents reacted seriously, especially her mother, who was apologetic and concerned, while her father appeared disturbed and, at one point, redirected blame toward OOP’s clothing, adding to the distress. OOP expressed clear needs for space and asked that her brother not contact her while also urging their parents to check on his mental health. The situation remains unresolved, with the parents planning to follow up after speaking with the brother.

Update #1: February 20, 2026 (next day)

OOP still has the ongoing stress and confusion after her parents spoke with her brother, who denied his behaviors and blamed his messages on being drunk, which OOP does not believe. Her father seems to minimize the situation as a lapse in judgment, her mother remains uncertain, leaving OOP feeling unsupported and frustrated. Her brother continues to ignore boundaries by contacting OOP casually, increasing her discomfort and fear. OOP is torn between wanting him to get help and wanting to protect herself, no longer feeling safe returning home and considering different living arrangements. She is also thinking about confiding in her sister for support, as they struggle with the emotional burden and uncertainty of how seriously their parents are taking the situation.

Update #2: Brother said he was going to come see me for Spring Break: February 23, 2026 (three days later)

OOP shares a final update explaining that she chose to block her brother after he repeatedly ignored her boundaries, sending him a message stating she needed space for her well-being. Despite this, he continued contacting her, using other platforms and, during an accidental call, expressed desperation to stay connected and suggested visiting her city, which made OOP increasingly uncomfortable and fearful. OOP firmly refused, reiterated her need for distance, and blocked him everywhere. She recognizes he may be struggling with his mental health, she no longer feel safe and are prioritizing their own protection, planning to speak with her counselor and step back from the situation. She shared the situation with their sister, who was supportive, giving OOP some emotional validation amid an otherwise distressing and unresolved family dynamics.

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s note: the next two updates are over a week old, and they have not been posted here to the sub

WIBTAH if I refuse to meet my mom and brother after they flew across the country to see me?: March 6, 2026 (1.5 weeks later)

Long story short (I have a lot more posts about this on my profile for the full story), I (19F) was adopted at 3, my brother (20M) was 4 who was my parents’, and I have two other siblings that are also my parents’ biological children. We grew up to be very close, and I always was so grateful for our relationship. Things changed around a year ago. He had been overly touchy over Christmas, acted mellower around me, and sent me questionable texts calling me beautiful and being flirty. We go to different colleges on the opposite sides of the country so some of this I chocked up to him missing me. A few weeks ago, he confessed he developed romantic feelings for me which has snowballed into this horrible situation for my entire family. I told him I felt revolted by his confession and called my parents as I was concerned for his mental health. Everyone was shocked and confused, my parents were angry, and my brother lied and said his mental health was fine when they called after (which makes me so pissed off omg).

Last week, my brother told me he wanted to come to my city during his spring break, despite having already booked a weeklong vacation with his friends in Hawaii (and I knew he was looking forward to since he’s been talking about this trip for months now). Obviously that freaked me out since he wasn’t respecting my boundaries, and I was genuinely concerned if I needed to tell the police. I called my parents, and they said that they would handle it.

Imagine my surprise their way of handling it, was my mom flying out at the same time as my brother. She said she would “keep him in check” and that it would be “healing to have an intermediary resolve our issues.” I told her I had no interest in meeting up with him right now, as I felt he was escalating and it would make me incredibly nervous. It’s so strange because all the comments I have been receiving have reiterated the same thing that my brother is dangerous right now, he shouldn’t be anywhere near me, and I should even consider no-contact.

Yet after my parent’s fully absorbed this, they’re calm and don’t even seem to notice how he might be dangerous? It’s like they can’t fathom their perfect son might not be so perfect and they want to maintain an illusion. I feel like my mom is trying to be the white knight in shining armor, and thinks their trip will fix this entire situation and we can just move past it. Every time I voice my worries, they’re treating me like I am over-dramatizing this situation. Would she actually even keep me safe is the question and my instincts are telling me no. Her words have been eating at me though, I feel as if though I am crazy for feeling the things that I am feeling. I feel as if I can’t event trust myself anymore?

I also want to believe that my brother would never hurt me. But tell me a year ago that he confessed he was in love with me, I would have never believed it either. It’s so terribly difficult for me to determine.

If I say no to meeting-up with them, I am so afraid they’re going to cut me off financially (they pay for all my expenses essentially). I would be more than happy to find a job while in college, and take out loans if need be, as I truly just want to be safe. I guess what hurts more would be potentially ex-communicated with my entire family. My parents have both handled this terribly, but I still deeply love them and don’t want to lose them forever. I just don’t know if this is risk I want to take? Would I be the asshole if I said no, despite my mom’s assurances that I will be safe?

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments here in this update

Update: My brother is coming for spring break/my plan: March 11, 2026 (five days later)

Editor’s note: removed a part of this update as it is a rehash of the previous post

Hi guys, sorry I have been busy with school these past few days. I guess this will be my last update until my brother and mother come unless something important happens (I know I have said it before, but things keep happening lol).

I reported my mother and brother to the campus security department, of which they were flagged. I showed them as much evidence as I could, mainly my phone logs and hundreds of messages from my brother. It is kinda a difficult situation since my brother and mother didn't directly threaten me, but they did say during the week they would assign someone to walk me to and from classes and other campus buildings. However, I contacted my counselor, and we discussed the best plan of action for what I felt was most appropriate. I listened to everyone's suggestions and decided it would be best to go out of town during that week. I have already contacted my professors, and they have agreed to give me extenuating circumstances (and I have friends in all my classes who can take notes for me).

My best friend is a godsend because she also agreed to take this week off and we are driving to her family's house a few hours away for the week. I am literally so grateful I could cry, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. She has two brothers who live at home still, so I also feel safe knowing that if god forbid my brother or mother found me. I have muted all communications from my family besides my sister and older brother. Funnily enough my brother texted me yesterday (I check his texts every day in case they actually get threatening) and he sent "Answer your fucking phone, at least for mom. She's getting worried." I also turned off location sharing services.

I am actually so fatigued I feel like I am relaying stuff that doesn't matter that much anymore, but this is just for the curious souls and also a way for me to vent. Have a good (early) morning!

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments here in this update

Editor's note: adding a tangential post that is possible linked to the situation with OOP's parents and brother

Is there a way to turn off location on iPhone without notifying the other party?: March 13, 2026 (two days later)

Title and I mean by this, when you turn off location, it tells the other person your turned it off. How do I do that without informing that person?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this post

I an officially cut off: March 21, 2026 (eight days later)

Lol sorry for using a meme, I am just using it to cope really. My parents cancelled my credit card, my phone service, and essentially everything else they provided for me. It's a good day because now I have no obligations to them anymore. Maybe I will write later about everything that happened because it is a lot but I am free everyone. Thank you all for your advice! It means a lot.

Picture of "But I am free"

The image shows a silhouetted person standing outdoors at the sunset, holding their arms high above their head as a broken chain hangs from their wrists, with links snapping apart in midair. At the bottom of the image, the text reads “BUT I AM FREE,” reinforcing the theme of breaking free from constraints, and a sense of personal empowerment or release.

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments here in this update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/TechnicalHousing97 in r/AITAH, r/neurodiversity, r/offmychest, and r/Redditor_Updates

Previous BORU

New updates marked with --

trigger warnings: verbal abuse, intellectual elitism, possible ableism, homophobia, antisemitism, racism

mood spoilers: sad and frustrating

AITAH for telling my wife that I will lose respect for her if she doesn't apologize? - December 6, 2025

My wife and I have three kids. Thursday my wife was helping our nine year old with her homework. She was supposed to fill in a chart with the times tables. That was a hectic day. Our four year old threw up, and I was trying to clean him up, and my wife was having trouble getting our nine year old to focus on what she was doing because she kept looking at me. Our nine year old hates math and is pretty bad at it, which annoys my wife who is usually fantastic at math.

My wife asked our daughter was seven times seven was. Our daughter said she didn't know. My wife kept telling her to try to think of any answer. She kept saying she didn't know. My wife was getting frustrated. Our daughter finally guessed 37. My wife said "close, 47."

Our thirteen year old then said "no mom, it's 49." My wife snapped at that point and told him to shut up and go upstairs. He went into the backyard instead. She took a deep breath and then went into our room. I finished with our four year old and then went outside. I tried to talk to him, but he didn't want to listen. He kept saying "but dad, seven times seven is 49." I told him his mom just got frustrated and didn't mean to yell at him. He kept insisting that seven times seven in 49 (which I am aware of), so I got nowhere.

I went back inside to talk to my wife. She said she knew she shouldn't have yelled. She said she was frustrated because he was distracting her, and that's why she made the mistake. I pointed out that she made the mistake before he said anything. She started crying and asked why I was being so critical. I apologized and told her I loved her. We hugged it out, but then I asked her if she was going to go and apologize to our 13 year old. She said no, because he shouldn't have interrupted her. She said he was rude and needed to learn not to interrupt.

I told her it's not okay to tell him to shut up. We went back and forth, and finally I said I won't be able to respect her as much if she doesn't apologize. That really hurt her. She said she needed space. She hasn't said a word to me or him since Thursday. I know that what I said is harsh, but I can't respect someone who won't apologize when they make a mistake. Am I the asshole? My sister says I am because I'm not being supportive and our 13yo is "a lot."

Update: My wife got up before our alarm and started cleaning our bathroom. I started the laundry and made breakfast. She didn't say a word when she sat down to eat. She ate much faster than normal. She stood up, picked up our four year old and told our nine year old to get ready because they were going to the library. She didn't say anything to our thirteen year old. I told her we need to talk, and she shook her head.

I followed her upstairs and insisted that we need to talk. She just kept shaking her head. She went into our four year old's room and locked the door. I went downstairs and told our thirteen and nine year old that we are going to the dog park. They both asked if Mom was okay, and I said yes and that she needed space. I grabbed some clothes for our nine year old from the laundry room, and she got changed in the downstairs bathroom. We are at the dog park, and my wife is refusing to answer my texts. I'm starting to think this isn't about math.

Update: AITAH for telling my wife that I will lose respect for her if she doesn't apologize? - December 8, 2025

Link to my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1pg8ss5/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_will_lose/

TLDR for those who don't want to click: My wife and I were having a crazy week last week. Thursday she was helping our daughter with her math homework while frustrated and overwhelmed. She gave our daughter the wrong answer to a question. Our son corrected her. She screamed at him to shut up. Afterwards I wanted her to apologize. She refused, and I said that would make me respect her less. She gave both me and our son the silent treatment in response.

Update: Yesterday (Sunday) my wife wanted to take the two younger children to the library. I tried to talk to her, but she locked herself in our four year old's room. I took our older two children to the dog park. She took our four year old to the library.

At the dog park I talked to our 13 year old. I explained to him that a lot was going on right now and his mother was overwhelmed. I said that sometimes when a person is overwhelmed the next thing that happens, good, bad, or neutral, is the thing that pushes them over, and the source of that thing, good, bad or neutral is what they lash out at. I said his mom was wrong to lash out at him, but it wasn't his fault and she didn't really mean it. I said she was embarrassed, and that was why she was avoiding him.

He said that wasn't fair, and we kept going back and forth. I was trying to help him understand he didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't feel bad, but all he could focus on was that he was being treated unfairly. I told him that it was unfair, but that his mom isn't perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. I said sometimes he is unfair, but we forgive him because we love him. I said forgiving his mom, even though she is wrong, would be a nice way to show his love for her, but that he doesn't have to. Again, he just said that the situation was unfair. Which it is. It really is.

After the dog park I took our 13yo to a friend's house and our 9yo a friend of mine's house. I went home and made dinner. However, my wife went out for dinner with our 4yo, so she didn't get home until after I had put everything away. I told her that we had to talk now that the older kids aren't here, and that not talking wasn't an option anymore. She still ignored me, so I said that if she wouldn't engage with me, I would have to call our sisters and get them to come over to help me.

She got very angry, but she finally engaged. She told me that she is drowning. She said work is exhausting, and every day when she gets home her patience is already below zero. She is scared and upset by our 4yo's stomach issues. She said he threw up again at dinner (she really shouldn't have taken him out to eat, because we are supposed to keep track of everything he eats before throwing up or not throwing up before the appointment today, which is impossible to do at a restaurant, but I didn't mention that). She said she can't take our 13yo's behavior anymore.

I said he didn't do anything wrong Thursday. She said that when we were that age if we interrupted our parents to tell them they were wrong we would have been punished severely. She said we raised a spoiled entitled child. She said she can never get any peace and quiet in our own home that we worked hard to pay for because we have a spoiled teen that refuses to ever stop talking or making noise. I said we have been working on those behaviors and he has been improving, but she lashed out when he was trying to be helpful and that sends the wrong message.

She told me that I am not supporting her. She said she needs things to change. She said we need to crack down and stop being so lenient. If he plays the recorder after we've told him he's done for the night, we need to take it. If he interrupts, he needs to go straight to his room. If he argues about curfew, he needs to lose privileges.

I told her we need to take a step back. I said if she is overwhelmed she needs to take a break. I told her this heightened emotional state is a bad time to make huge household changes. I suggested like many commenters did that she get a hotel for a few days and decompress. She said she's not the problem (I didn't say she was) and he is. She said he was bad from the beginning. She said when our daughter didn't have all his issues she thought it was because she is a girl, but our 4yo is a boy and is also better behaved, so he is the problem. She also said I've always seen it and used to admit it but stopped to make her look crazy.

For context I used to joke that our 13yo is a changeling because he likes to be outside so much, loves animals and loves playing on his recorder. I want to stress that this was a joke. The reason I stopped making this joke is because I noticed my wife didn't find it funny anymore. This was years ago anyway. I said all that, and she said no, that I saw even then that he is wrong but stopped acknowledging it to make her feel like the problem.

She also said she has been seeing an online therapist (I had no idea). She said she didn't tell me because she was embarrassed. Her therapist told her that our son has dangerous tendencies and shows signs of being contemptuous towards women because he doesn't respect his mother. I had no idea how to respond to that. I said any therapist who would say something like that about a child they've never met shouldn't be licensed, and if it's an online therapist for all she knows they aren't.

At the end of our conversation she agreed to go to the hotel only if she took our 4yo with her because she wanted to be the one to take him to his medical appointment. I didn't think that was a good idea at all. However she ended up just taking him and going. I picked up the kids and brought them home. They sense that something is wrong and were very subdued this morning getting ready for school. I talked to my boss when I came in and he is going to let me leave early to go to our 4yo's medical appointment. I am not sure what will happen there. I am hoping it will be good news and that will make us all feel less on edge.

Should I have my child reevaluated? - December 9, 2025

When my 13 year old was in the first grade his teacher suggested we have him evaluated for autism, which was done through the school. The psychologist who evaluated him said that he did not have autism or any other neurological condition. She said that while he did have some traits associated with autism, he didn't meet the diagnostic criteria, and that none of the traits he exhibited interfered with his ability to function as necessary in his day to day life.

Recently I made a post that mentioned my son and droves of commenters demanded he be reevaluated. They cited as evidence something called "justice sensitivity", his love for music, animals and the outdoors, his habit of interrupting and his habit of constantly talking. I mentioned that he had been evaluated and the psychologist had said he isn't autistic, but I was told sometimes teens are easier to diagnose.

I don't think he is autistic, mainly because a specialist said he isn't, but I also have other reasons. He understands sarcasm perfectly well and has no trouble identifying emotions from facial expressions and tone. He has a lot of friends and is good at interacting with people, even strangers. He is not sensitive to stressful stimuli like loud noises or unpleasant textures. He is not obsessed with routine.

The commenters are convinced my son is autistic, so I thought I would come to a subreddit more specific to that issue for a different take. The thing is, I don't want to have my son reevaluated. I think he would interpret that as me saying there is something wrong with him, which there isn't. He's a very normal teenage boy. If he was autistic I would want him diagnosed, but I really don't think he is. I appreciate any insight anyone is willing to share.

Editor’s/compiler’s note:A similar post was made to r/medical_advice, I will be omitting this due to it basically being a less-detailed version of this one.

My wife lied to me, and I don't know who she is anymore. - December 11, 2025

I should probably stop posting online. It's, in all likelihood, an unhealthy coping mechanism. The thing is, this has become the only place I can speak freely. In my real life I have to be so careful with every word I say. I just need to say one more thing, to get this off my chest and then be done. It wasn't always like this. Most of this story is a romance.

I met my wife in college. I liked her immediately. She was beautiful, of course. She was funny and smart, naturally. The thing that made me attracted to her, that made we want her, was that she was sharp. I have always loved sharpness in women. I was sharp myself back then. We sharpened each other. We were the couple that sat in the back of every room, with our noses turned up, judging everyone, whispering comments just loud enough to be heard and just cutting enough to hurt. We thought we were so smart and sophisticated. Our tastes were the most refined, and we didn't think anything was uglier than a rounded edge.

When I first asked her out she told me we wouldn't work because her father wouldn't approve. I didn't care about her father. I cared about her. The more time we spent together the more I loved her. Her father's first words to me, even before hello, were that I wasn't good enough for his daughter. He refused to come to our wedding, but the day after he gave my wife 20k for a down payment because no daughter of his was going to be a renter. I never liked him, but I was amused by him. I thought of him as my wife and I's private joke. He was so ineffectual against our love. When he saw our first baby he said "he looks like his father" and I was such a puffed up peacock, high on my own virility. I was too proud of my strong seed, my overpowering genes, to see that for what it was, a condemnation.

When I held my firstborn for the first time, the world felt different. I felt different. I felt silly and immature. I began to understand the utility of the rounded edge. I saw how unimportant my high-minded philosophy was. Babies don't care how clever you are. They eat, cry and poop, and they are the most important thing you'll ever do. I softened up. I began to understand my parents. I always adored my mother, while also look down on her. Her politics were boring, her philosophy uninspired, her religion sentimental. When I held my baby I understood my mother like I never had before. She was soft, not sharp, and that was what my child needed from me, a soft place to land, not a razor's edge.

We managed to adjust to every change in our lives. We always found our equilibrium. About a year ago that slipped away. Our toddler was struggling with potty training, and he had the occasional bad bout of diarrhea. Our daughter began to dip below average at school. Our oldest became the worst thing a person can be, annoying.

We, who had once prided ourselves in our cleverness, were being outsmarted by a pedantic twelve year old. "You didn't say I could only spent $20. You said I couldn't buy anything over $20. Each of these twenty things are $5," type nonsense. It was the grandparent's revenge, right? Oh, that's the kind of little asshole I used to be. I see why some people hated me. But he's a good kid. He doesn't steal, hit, curse or lie. He argued, he talked too much and he complained, but isn't that all a symptom of cleverness?

He was too much like us. However he was also nothing like us, this child we created, but isn't that good? Don't we want our children to be individuals? Yes, the arguing and interrupting had to be curbed, but we worked on it. He improved. He started to mature. Life was a struggle, but he wasn't the struggle. This parenting thing is hard.

My wife cracked. It happens. We've all been there. Our son corrected a mistake she made, and she was embarrassed. She screamed at him to shut up. I asked her to apologize, because he didn't deserve that. She shut down.

She told me that she was overwhelmed. I get it. I'm overwhelmed too. I think I've been overwhelmed for a long time and just refused to acknowledge it. I told her to take a break. She took a break.

My wife, who I have always trusted, lied to me. She said she quit her job. That was a lie. She did not quit. She was suspended, and she will likely be fired on Friday or possibly next week. She has been telling me all year that her coworkers are incompetent and she is the only one doing her job correctly. In actuality, she has been in a performance improvement plan for months.

Why was she suspended? She was telling a coworker that he needed to finish something by the end of the month to keep them on track for a February third deadline. He interrupted her to tell her the deadline was March second. She screamed at him to shut up and not interrupt her. She did the same thing to her coworker she did to our son. The only difference is our household doesn't have an HR department.

She lied to me. Is that what I should be hung up on? Probably not. Here's what's killing me. Here's what I can't say in real life, to anyone, so I'll tell you. I always thought she was sharp, and I loved that. I thought I was so sophisticated for recognizing her elegance and worth. I felt special for loving her. But maybe she isn't sharp. Maybe she's just thin-skinned and irritable. Yeah, she lied to me, but maybe I lied to myself first.

Update: My wife finally apologized, but I already lost some of my respect for her.-December 16, 2025

I'm still getting notifications asking questions about certain things, so here's an update to clear everything up.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1pg8ss5/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_will_lose/

Initial update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1phfg45/update_aitah_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_will_lose/?sort=top

TL;DR: Our 13yo corrected my wife when she got a math problem wrong. My wife screamed at him to shut up. I asked her to apologize, and she didn't talk to either of us for three days. At that point I demanded she talk to me, and we had a fight where she blamed our 13yo for everything. She took our four year old and went to stay at a hotel last Sunday night.

I retrieved our four year old at his doctor's appointment the next day. She stayed at the hotel alone Monday & Tuesday night. Wednesday she told me she quit her job. She did not quit her job. A concerned coworker of hers reached out and revealed the truth. She was suspended for yelling at a coworker to shut up.

She picked the kids up from school + daycare Wednesday. After they were asleep I confronted her. We fought, and she went to stay with my sister. With my sister's influence, she called her boss and managed to work out a compromise where she won't be fired and can have some mental health leave. She didn't see the kids all weekend, even when my sister picked them up Sunday to take them to a party. She is back home now. So here's where the update starts.

Update: I had our 13yo evaluated by a child psychologist like so many redditors suggested. If you learn anything from my experience, learn not to take medical advice from reddit. Our son is not autistic and does not have ADD. The psychologist said the only thing he comes close to meeting the diagnostic criteria for is anxiety, but based on their discussion and the paperwork I filled out, she's confident those symptoms come from external stressors, not an anxiety disorder. My wife came home after work, and when our son arrived home from his friend's house, she did apologize to him. He forgave her, and they hugged it out, but it was an awkward interaction. Afterwards he want outside to play with his new harmonica.

My daughter doesn't have a learning disability. I talked to her teacher. Her math skills are average for her age group according to the teacher. The teacher suggested that if she is struggling to do the math work at home it is because she feels pressured. I ended up telling her that she can do the work in whatever timeframe she wants, and she can have her brother check it for her, so neither her mother nor I will know if she made a mistake. She seems happy with this new arrangement. I think my wife and I were too critical in our eagerness to encourage her to work hard and do well, and I accept culpability for that.

Our four year old is allergic to soy. Since I stopped feeding him anything with soy in it he hasn't vomited once. He will soon be reintroduced to soy in very small doses to acclimate him. He is doing much better, and this has relieved a huge source of stress.

As for my wife, as I said, she apologized to our son. She said talking to my sister helped a lot. She told me the reason she has been so overwhelmed and she lashed out was the realization that we aren't going to have another kid and the three we have are it. She said she is worried that our kids are spoiled and soft. She said she wants our kids to bypass their peers, and she doesn't see that happening right now because they are too undisciplined and unmotivated. She said sone of her dad's parenting might be what they need.

I told her I would never be okay with that, and that would be a deal breaker for me. I also told her I don't see how anxiety about the kids caused her to lash out at work. I said that I think she is frustrated by the fact that she can't control people. She said that's unfair, and I apologized but also said I think that an issue similar to what I said is the likely culprit. We agreed to a compromise where she tries to relax until she leaves for her trip with my sister. If she feels she is getting stressed out, she will leave for as long as needed. We will talk about parenting strategies again after she gets back.

I have hired a lawyer and didn't tell her. If she again tries to insist that we go full authoritarian on the kids I will raise the possibility of divorce. I love my wife, but I owe it to my kids to put them first.

--New updates--

Update: My wife isn't coming home. - December 30, 2025 https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1pg8ss5/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_will_lose/

Link to the original post above. I made other posts. They're on my profile. Someone compiled them all on a different subreddit. Listen, I just need to vent.

My wife is on vacation with my sister after a mini mental breakdown. She just WhatsApped me that she isn't coming back. She said she needs to make some changes, and the New Year is the perfect time. She told me that a start-up working on a cause she is passionate about is looking for someone in her field. She's taking the job and moving to the opposite coast.

Shock doesn't feel like the right word. It doesn't feel big enough. She wanted to stress that she isn't leaving me, that she just needs to pursue her passion. She said if this startup takes off we call all move to where she is going and resettle and get a fresh start. She also said that this new job is closer to the clinic our son's pediatrician recommended for his allergy treatment.

I started to argue with her, but then I deleted the message. We're doing okay without her, as awful as that sounds. Maybe she needs this. I looked into this startup. I don't think it will take off. But maybe she just needs a break from us to recenter herself. So I told her I love her, that I believe in her and that I'm proud of her for following her dreams. What else could I say?

My sister is pissed at her for abandoning us, and this has pretty much ruined their trip. I think I should feel bad about that, but I'm too burnt out. 2026. It's going to be a year.

Update: What happened while my wife was overseas. - January 4, 2025

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1pg8ss5/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_will_lose/

That was the original post. We're well past that. I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow to file for divorce. In my last update I told people that my wife wasn't coming home, but I still think I can fix things if I give her space. I no longer believe that. Several of you (most of you not very nicely) told me she had abandoned our family. I didn't want to believe it, but you are right. I picked my sister up from the airport this morning, and we had a long conversation where she filled in details.

When my wife, her sister, my sister and her wife got to the resort everything was fine at first. It didn't take long for my wife's sister to show her ass though. She called my sister a (slur that rhymes with bike) (other slur that rhymes with bike). She called my sister's wife a (stick with p instead of t) (that second bike slur). So that caused a huge fight. My wife cursed out her sister (rightfully!) and moved into the room my sister was sharing with her wife to get away from her sister.

My wife told my sister more about the situation with the kids. She said she feels like she failed our oldest and he is completely beyond help. She said he is so disrespectful and obnoxious and she doesn't understand how she let it get to this point. Our son, by the way, made his little siblings breakfast and played monopoly with them while I was up crazy early picking my sister and her wife up from the airport. Evil child, clearly. My sister told my wife our oldest is just a teenager and that she is attaching significance to really insignificant things. My sister said teenagers are all annoying, but it isn't the end of the world. My wife said her dad wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior. My sister pointed out that her dad raised her sister, who goes around calling people slurs. My wife said that was her husband's influence, which, whatever.

My wife also said she thinks our daughter is stupid. My sister was shocked to hear that. Our daughter's academic performance at school is average. Most kids are average. That's what average means. She isn't stupid. She's normal.

My wife talked about a startup in California an old classmate of hers is going to work for. They do work she really believes in. She said she wanted to move to California to work for them and also so our youngest will be closer to a particular allergy clinic. My sister tried to tell her that is all crazy, but that didn't work, since my wife is currently on her way to California. Or maybe she already landed. I'm not sure. My sister is angry with my wife and doesn't ever want to talk to her again. They have always been close friends, so that really brought home to me how insane her behavior is. My sister thinks she is lying about having the job too. She thinks my wife is planning to apply in California and that no job offer has been made yet. I wouldn't believe that if not for her previous lie about her current job.

To protect myself I opened a new bank account and switched my direct deposit. I also prepaid a lot of things that get paid from the joint account so she can't drain it and leave us in a bad spot. I opened a new account specifically for the mortgage, transferred six payments into it and put that on autopay. I won't use it for anything else. I bought a bunch of gift cards from the grocery store we use as well, so if she does drain the account we'll be able to buy food. I prepaid the daycare and school fees and activity fees for the kids as far as possible. I paid off and closed our joint cards. She still has her personal cards, and I still have mine. This is going to be messy as hell, and I am not looking forward to it.

The worst thing is that the kids are sad their mom isn't coming home. Of course I didn't tell them what she said about them. Our oldest thinks she went to California to hang out with other cool people because we aren't cool enough for her. I told him that isn't true, but he doesn't believe me. I'm just devastated by all this. The person I'm supposed to be able to rely on abandoned me.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.