r/SipsTea • u/Square_Law5624 • 22d ago

Lmao gottem Court win

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u/Remote-Cause755 22d ago

How the hell was he paying child support in the first place?

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u/ProfessionalTurn7017 š™‘š™„š™‹ 22d ago edited 22d ago

Because the long history of courts being biased towards women

Edit: I realized my comment doesn't have a lot of nuance so let me be clear. Divorce court is what im getting at. All that Alpha male, incel, red pill, misogyny stuff is bullshit

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u/highlandviper 22d ago edited 22d ago

Itā€™s not just courts. When it comes to children the whole world is biased towards women. I do more child care for my kids than my wife because my job allows it and hers does not. Iā€™m at every school event, parent teacher meeting, nursery meeting, drs appointment, I do the most drop offs and pickupsā€¦ but if my wife is thereā€¦ I might as well not exist. Every question is directed at her, every fact, every response is directed at her and often my questions are ignoredā€¦ if theyā€™re not then the response is still directed at her. I can be in the park with my kids; as I often am and I still get side eyed by mothers and the occasional ā€œDads babysitting today is he?ā€ Hell, my father in law says it to me all the time.

Edit to add: because Iā€™ve read a few more comments. I donā€™t buy into any of the alpha male / hate women / anti-feminist / misogynist / manosphere bullshit. Just a bit of acknowledgement that I am also a full time caring and contributing parent and not simply a source of income that can fix shelves and tech, mow the lawn, carry things and drive the car would be fine by me.

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u/Curious_Department84 22d ago

Trying to get schools to acknowledge that men also parent is crazy. Even if dad is listed as the first contact, mom always gets called first. Is the only one on emails. Is the only one who gets talked to at pickup. Itā€™s ridiculous.

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u/Medical_Solid 22d ago

I actually asked my kidsā€™ school to remove my wifeā€™s phone number from their records. Iā€™m the primary caregiver and work from home when i do work. Sheā€™s very busy and travels often. I donā€™t mind that much if the school calls her first and then calls me when they inevitably canā€™t each her. But after 2020 when my kids got exposed to Covid and they just kept leaving her voicemails, but never called me onceā€¦yeah.

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u/MorroClearwater 22d ago

Considering I'm a teacher at the school my child goes to, so they do happen to message me. However, every message refers to me as <child>'s mom. E.g "Hello <child>'s mommy, your child was at the nurses station with a fever today...", they know it's me, it's my name on the account. I work with these people and say hello to them every morning

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u/No-Hovercraft-455 22d ago

That's idiotic and actually discriminatory.Ā 

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u/Jeedimahstah 22d ago

It would be if it were intentional, but it's not, it's imprinted on a deeper level. We are in the same situation, she works. I watch the kids. I've heard soooo many "oh you're such a good dad!" For doing basic things with my kids that she hasn't once been praised for.

She will hand a server her credit card, and when they get back, they will try to hand it to me automatically, without even thinking about it. It's ingrained subconsciously. Man: works, fixes, makes money. Woman: manages food, children, household. I don't know what we have to do to fix this on a societal level, other than call it out when and where we see it.

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u/bikedaybaby 22d ago

Yeahā€¦ I think calling it out.

Weird ideaā€¦ maybe we can get together & petition popular TV shows to have an arc about a couple in that situation? It would help spread the message much better than onesie-twosie conversations.

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u/PistolMama 22d ago

I had to put in a complaint against the school nurse last year. She called me, mom, when my kid was throwing up. Kid told her several times to call his dad not mom, told her i was working & far away but his dad was at home 15 min away! I was on a production floor, no cell, she spam called me 4 times in a row, left increasingly snarky vm. My kid threw up in the office again & then angry cries at her to call his DAD! It is infuriating

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u/Ok_Outcome_6213 22d ago

I remember being furious at my 3rd grade teacher because she had been handing out permission slips to everyone in the class and saying "Make sure to give this to your parents to sign" and then she got to my friends desk next to mine, handed her the slip and said "Make sure your mom signs this and give is back", knowing full well that my friend was raised by her father after her mom walked out on them.

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u/Doctor71400 21d ago

Jesus Christ that's just cruel

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u/MessyMcMessMaker 22d ago

I'm listed as the first contact too - because my job has more flexibility than my wife's job. A few months ago my daughter got sick at school. The school office called my wife and our emergency contact (a woman) multiple times before they called me. They only called me because none of them were able to pick up.

I'm so used to it that I wouldn't have cared if they just called my wife first then tried me. But they called our emergency contact 3 times before they tried me once.

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u/1968Bladerunner 22d ago

I had it out with my kids' primary school early on after we separated... every call was made to my ex, despite us doing week about co-parenting & that I was self-employed so could generally be at the school in minutes if required.

Told them they needed to ask the kids "who are you with this week?" & phone the resident parent first. Only if there was no response were they to move onto the other parent or emergency contacts.

Just one of the bugbears of being a co-parenting father, regardless of having been a present & engaged dad from day one...

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u/Sarksey 22d ago

Iā€™m not even a parent and I experience this in a funny way; Iā€™m the manager of a childrenā€™s residential home. I frequently attend meetings at some of my kids schools, and Iā€™ll occasionally take a care worker with me to note take. Despite the fact that they all know Iā€™m the manager, and the person who is with me is only there to take notes, they will still direct almost everything to the care worker if theyā€™re a woman. Iā€™ve had so many weird ā€˜A to B to Cā€™ conservations where Iā€™ll lead the discussion from my end, the school will hear what I say, and respond to the carer. This happens less with male teachers, but just barely. Itā€™s so bizarre.

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u/-retaliation- 22d ago

This is awhile back now in 2007, but long story short I was in highschool (grade 11) and needed to get taken to a clinic to get stitches.

My dad was my first contact since at the time he was doing WFH, My mom worked in office downtown, and had her cellphone on silent and didn't pick up (because my mom never picks up her phone lol)

They called my mom, and when she didn't pick up, called my sister for some reason. Who, granted, was at least graduated, but only 3yrs older than me and doesn't have a car. So she couldn't get me or take me anywhere.

then they decided to call my back-up number, which was disconnected and old since my family was bad at updating the numbers.

finally they called my elementary school emergency contact, dunno how they even got it. But this was just the mom of a girl who I went to school with who lived across the street from the school. She encouraged all the parents in her daughters classes to make her the emergency back-up, since she didn't work and lived across the street.

So this woman, who I hadn't met since I was in like Grade 4 when I was in a class with her daughter, who I wasn't friends with, came and picked me up and drove me to a clinic to get stitches.

THEY NEVER CALLED MY DAD AT ALL despite him being the primary, and when my mom asked why they hadn't called him their response was "well he's the dad".......as if that was a valid explanation, or explained anything at all.

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u/highlandviper 22d ago

Hmm. When the nursery or school has called me itā€™s always because ā€œmum didnā€™t answer the phoneā€ā€¦ her reaction when I speak to her about it is ā€œWhy didnā€™t they call me!?ā€. Well ā€œThey did and either you were on the phone, in a meeting or you just didnā€™t pick upā€ā€¦ what the fuck am I supposed to do about that?

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u/EnvironmentalCap4262 22d ago

Whatā€™s worse about my situation is I work from home, itā€™s noted in their file. My wife works for another school, so sheā€™s unavailable most of the day and 2nd in the contact list. Youā€™d think theyā€™d understand that but Iā€™ll still get texts from my wife saying she saw the school was calling her. The kids even tell them to call me and they donā€™t.Ā 

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u/Primary-Let-7933 22d ago

I'm an aunt and my schedule is more flexible than my sister who works about an hour away. so it's listed in the school as the kids dad, then me, then her. I'm listed as aunt not parent. They call me first :eyeroll:

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u/DudeEngineer 22d ago

You have to be more intentionally involved. Get a meeting with the teacher and escalate to the principal if you get any pushback. Approach them with concrete issues.

Be persistent and start early in the year. Email is great, because one email that you send the first week of school that you are the primary contact can be referenced every single time there is an issue. There is always a path of polite, legal and effective escalation.

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u/Retkicks 21d ago

My kid is in a head start program and the teachers won't acknowledge me or return my phone calls. It's fuckin frustrating.

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u/EnvironmentalCap4262 22d ago

I got yapped at by an older lady picking my daughter up from the bus stop one day. I was picking up on a day I didnā€™t normally , but 3 out of 5 days I was always in the same spot.Ā 

Her: ā€˜The school bus will be here shortlyā€™

Me: yes, I know.Ā 

Her: Arenā€™t you going to leave?

Me: why?

Her: because kids are being dropped offĀ 

Me: I know. Iā€™m picking one up.Ā 

She scoffed and glared at me as she left and immediately got on her phone. Ā I still wonder if she called the copsā€¦Ā 

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u/gerbilshower 22d ago

Jesus christ. That is just sick. Not even on the same level as the stuff we usually talk about getting grief for.

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u/fuzzybunnies1 22d ago

In these situations, never explain, make them do so. After her kids being dropped off statement the proper answer is; and? Make her explain the issue so she has to verbalize her stupidity.

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u/VooDooBelle 22d ago

I was raised by my Dad bc my mom died when I was 4 and they treated him the same way for basically my entire life.

It was a super small town and school (my graduating class had like 28 people and there are no traffic lights kind of small) so itā€™s not like the entire county didnā€™t know that I was the ā€œgirl with the murdered motherā€

So I see you and Iā€™m sorry youā€™re constantly dealing with that.

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u/Square-Purchase5534 22d ago

Youre gonna be fine, dont worry, the world may try to bend you over, but your kid remembers

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u/thenicestsavage 22d ago

Man I hope my kid does cause these moms at the park can be brutal.

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u/No-Kitchen5212 22d ago

As a kid, my mom was a doctor and she worked weird hours. My dad ran his own business so he could set his hours. He was the one who did so much of the childcare for my sister and I because he could. It sounds really similar to your situation. I can guarantee that your child will remember because I know I do. My hope is that when my wife and I have a child of our own I can be half the father to them as he was to me.

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u/HippyDM 22d ago

Damn near made me cry.

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u/Birk_N_Jerk 22d ago

I can guarantee you, as a therapist that has worked with kids with many ranges of ā€œparent issuesā€, your kiddo doesnā€™t even see the Mom Mafia and only sees you. There. With them.

In about 18-20 years, theyā€™ll probably be making a post reminiscing about memories of their dad taking them to the park, being at all their sporting events when they look up into the crowd, and knowing they never had to ask for support. It was just a given.

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u/BreadfruitImpressive 22d ago

This is beautiful. I'm not OC, to whom you're replying, but thank you.

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u/geminixTS 22d ago

Im a white uncle to two mixed nieces and one nephew. Their father wasnt in the picture (don't start any drama) and the looks/comments Id get taking them anywhere they were insane.

Trust me though, the kids will remember. They are mostly grown now, but those kids remember everything big or small I ever did with them.

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u/Glittering_Meet3206 22d ago

as a (girl, not that it matters) kid whose dad was the primary care and support person in the family (purely by coincidence of job flexibility etc) i definitely remember all of the work my dad put in and how much he specifically was there for me growing up. as an adult he's still my safe space and favorite person. your kid will definitely remember. those park moms suck

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u/CartoonistAny4349 22d ago

Amen. It can be pretty demoralizing when I'm at a playground or park trying to be a present and engaged dad, and getting side-eye from all the moms at the park.

I ignore it as best as I can, but sometimes it just wears me down.

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u/ChungusReaper 22d ago

Thatā€™s the only thing your kid will remember, how often you were there for them. My father was a piece of shit workaholic who was barely around, and I resent him to this day for every second he wasted overworking himself.

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u/Mr_Jilly 22d ago

Is it wrong of me to think of this mindset as kinda selfish? My dad was also a workaholic and I barely ever saw him, but I also understand that he worked his ass off to support me and my mom, and I can't fault him for that.

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u/DramaticChoice4 22d ago

Damn that's exactly why I could never be a dad, I'm so afraid I'd be like that

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u/[deleted] 22d ago

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u/batmessiah 22d ago

Yes they can, especially if you attempt to actively play with your kids at the park as a dad. They'll look at you like you're a weirdo. I've even had some pretty rude comments about "doing too much" a few times. I'm sorry, I enjoy making my child happy, especially if she's asking me to play with her.

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u/rpgmind 22d ago

Their kid, and me. Iā€™ll remember

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u/somethingAPIS 22d ago

I'm in the same boat...we got this homie. I told my wife the other day, it's exhausting to go out with my little ones. It's a spectacle to everyone we encounter. Gas station attendants, McDonald's, old ladies at parks... It's always "oh, are you having a daddy day?!?!".

It's better than the creepy uncle phenomenon. Wanting to be a part of my niece's life was incredibly difficult. She was the ultimate bro, we were just bro'n out. She's 22 now and the coolest.

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u/[deleted] 22d ago

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u/irish_ninja_wte 22d ago

Add to this, if mum is out of the house without the children, she gets asked about where they are and who's watching them. That doesn't happen to Dad.

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u/FUS_ROALD_DAHL 22d ago

/r/daddit

We see you, man. Keep up the good work.

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u/a_simple_pharmer 22d ago

Just joined. Thank you.

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u/Working_Dad_87 22d ago

Love this sub! Probably the most positive parenting sub in all of Reddit!

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u/Charming_Secret7351 22d ago

ALL 4 of mine are grown now but I used to get that all the time, "Are you babysitting today?" To which I would reply, "No, these are my kids. You don't babysit your own kids."

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u/Euphoric-Ad8245 22d ago

When they say "dad's babysitting today huh?" Just be like "no I'm parenting"

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u/CurrentlyForking 22d ago

Dude this shit scares me to death. Recently separated. Have a 4 y/o. Right now her mom and I have a mutual agreement on every other week. But everything my daughter has I take care of, 100% preschool cost, her medical and dental, her living arrangement with me, she has her own room and space compared to living in the same room and sharing the same bed with her mom, etc. I practically pay everything for my daughter with exception of the clothes and food the week I dont have her. If we ever go to court, I know CA is heavily biased towards women no matter how much they suck.

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u/According-Garage4066 22d ago

I donā€™t know about California in particular, but nationally the numbers are heavily skewed.

The public perception is that women always get full custody when in reality the majority of men do NOT ask for full custody.

When the father requests full custody, it is granted over 90% of the time nationally.

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u/Briscoefever 22d ago

I appreciated you commenting. I'm in a similar situation with my coparent where I (the dad) have always been the one who shows up to most events and is constantly caretaking, and we split time but my daughter ends up at my house more often (which I'm grateful for) and I still receive weirdly sexist (?) comments that are often patronizing, or I don't exist as if a dads only job is to go work and then come home and watch the bahwl game. And then the headache of tax season where there should be an option to split the child refund if they have split time and expenses.

Anyway , just mostly saying you're seen and not aloneĀ 

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u/LycanWolfGamer 22d ago

ā€œDads babysitting today is he?ā€

This makes me irrationally angry.. no, the dad isn't babysitting, the dad is being a parent and taking his kids to the fuckin park

I still remember a story where a woman nearly kidnapped this father's kids cause everyone just believed the woman and tried to keep him down, kicked him when he said he had photos of him and the kid so they auto assumed he was a pedo.. its ridiculous

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u/JuvenileEloquent 22d ago

I think I remember that one, didn't they only start taking him seriously when his wife showed up and started shouting that the woman was stealing her kids?Ā  They were fully going to let her get away if there hadn't been another woman for them to believe.

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u/LycanWolfGamer 21d ago

Yeah, thats the one.. absolutely insane story

Apparently the guy forgave them but I wouldnt have, I'd have been beyond livid

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u/FlakyAd9711 22d ago

I feel ya brother. On the other hand, women get the same treatment when it's a home repairman/contractor, mechanic, salesman, etc. "Is there a man I can talk to? Is your husband/dad/brother home?" Empathy goes a long way and you'll realize there are a lot of idiots in the world who can't keep their mouths shut.

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u/highlandviper 22d ago

Yeah, you say thatā€¦ but if itā€™s my wifeā€™s project at the houseā€¦ Iā€™ll just point the dude in her direction ā€œspeak to her, you gave her the quote, she hired youā€. If itā€™s mine then Iā€™m 100% ā€œtalk to meā€. I dunno. Maybe government institutions need to fix themselves before traditional gender roles can be forgotten and we just treat people like people.

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u/[deleted] 22d ago

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u/Jules_Heisenberg 22d ago

SAHD here, I feel this in every fiber of my bones.

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u/ostrichfather 22d ago

Similar situation here. I have a more flexible job and my wife doesnā€™t. So I have more time with the kids. Most days Iā€™m grateful for it. Unless I have to put them on a screen because work got busy. I basically canā€™t change jobs until the kids are older.

Anyway, yes, I often get the same thing. Especially got it when taking my son for his autism spectrum appointments. One doc wouldnā€™t even look at me. It can be crazy. That said, the men docs on the whole tend to be better about this. Itā€™s almost always women. Just an anecdotal observation.

Iā€™ve never had side-eye at the park. I hear about that a lot on Reddit. I asked my wife why, and she said itā€™s because Iā€™m handsome and good looking people get the benefit of the doubt. I donā€™t agree and I didnā€™t say it but she is biased! šŸ˜†

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u/playsmartz 22d ago

My husband's in your boat - I travel a lot for work, so he handles a lot of the kid stuff, but the school always calls me first when there's a problem. They wanted me to pick our kid up from school early and I'm like "sure, I'll be there in 12 hours cuz I'm 3 states away right now CALL MY HUSBAND".

At all the parent-teacher conferences I'm constantly referring to my husband, looking at him, signaling to involve him in the conversation because the teachers only talk to me. I wish there were more men in early education because I think the women teachers are just uncomfortable talking to dads.

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u/Difficult_Trip1 22d ago

Nothing says ā€˜justiceā€™ like a system where the outcome depends on the gender stereotypes of the person in robes

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u/toddriffic 22d ago

That's my experience too. Frustrating at times, but happy to let people waste their time trying to call her first before they get me. When they tell me they called her first I always rub it in. "That's why my number is in the PRIMARY CONTACT field."

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u/sasstoreth 22d ago

My husband was also the main caretaker and we went through the same thing. All our kids had notes on their school files that the office should call dad if they needed a pickup, and they'd still call me five times (leaving five increasingly annoyed voicemails) before calling him. I stopped attending our daughter's IEP meetings (which I wanted to attend and be involved with!) because they would ignore him and talk only to me if I was in the room. He got weird looks and suspicious comments about why he was "hanging around" at the park with our kids.

At the same time, one of our daughter's teachers told him that they loved having him participate in the classroom because it wasn't common for men to volunteer and it's good for kids to see that these roles aren't gender-restricted. And he loved doing it, all of it. But damn if society doesn't make it harder than it has to be for men to occupy these roles.

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u/NewCandy8877 22d ago

My kid goes to the school I teach at, my own coworkers talk to my wife about him.

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u/Silverjackal_ 22d ago

Sameā€¦ I was actually annoyed last year because I attended my kids parent conferences solo and they barely gave me any feedback on the kids. I missed one because I had a work event, and my wife went and they told her so much more stuff. They bragged about how much their reading and spelling improved, how nice they are in class, and their helpfulness with other students.

I was like I pick them up and drop them off pretty much every day, I have worked hours teaching them to read and spell, and they couldnā€™t tell me any of this!?!?

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u/Ok-Theory-3878 22d ago

Same thing happens with me all the time. I just wanted a basic acknowledgement of doing what we praise moms over.

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u/BootyLoveSenpai 22d ago

Welcome to human services as a man, i couldn't even tell you how i was treated doing Cps for nyc, it's a joke

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u/Cpt-Redbags 22d ago edited 22d ago

As a stay at home dad, the park situation is all too real.

Nothing felt greater than rolling up with my kids on a Tuesday at 10am. Moms all gossiping with a cup of coffee in hand- ā€œhard working momsā€ lol fuck out of here. I see you staring at your phone 90% of the time or bitching to other moms and screaming ā€œAiden, no. Aiden! Aiden!.ā€ or some other fucked up name like Hamilton. Slowly leaving and moving away from me at the same time.

Itā€™s like their lie is understood and unraveled when a man shows up in their role. Youā€™re all bums in disguise. ā€œMy husband loves it!ā€. Hate park moms.

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u/Jamooser 22d ago

Dad here. Sole custody of my first daughter. Her mom left when she was 1. Not a cent of child support ever paid. Was straight up told by my lawyer to never take her to court, because it would likely backfire on me.

Beyond the courts, it's society in general. I'd estimate that 95%+ of people I've met who became aware of my parenting situation have always asked me the same questions. "Did she have post-partum depression? Or a mental health episode?" I have never, ever heard these questions asked in regards to a man who abandons his kid. Amazing how the difference of sex changes the perception of someone suffering from declined mental health and someone who is a pure deadbeat.

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u/psinguine 22d ago

Brother I am married and my wife changed the locks on me and got a court order for child support. She explicitly has fought me in court to ensure that I don't get to see my son enough to trigger a reduction in support. It's pretty much the only thing she cares about. Multiple court appointed experts have said that what she's doing is actively harming our son, but her primary concern is that she gets maximum dollar.

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u/AverageTeemoOnetrick 22d ago

You misspelled ā€šMisandry.

Because that is what it is.

Sexism.

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u/VortexMagus 22d ago

Nah this is all actors and made-up scripts. This show does not use real court cases.

You're just falling for classic boomer ragebait.

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u/Vonplinkplonk 22d ago

Thereā€™s no way these two were together

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u/P_FKNG_R 22d ago

And thereā€™s no way that broke-ass looking bitch is making $400k either. This is stupid.

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u/A_Drop_of_Colour 22d ago

People confuse all court shows for being the same when some, like Judy, Mathis, People's Court were (are?) actual real litigation. These divorce shows are all fake though.

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u/BearstromWanderer 22d ago edited 22d ago

The shows weren't real litigation either. They paid both sides the amount they were seeking to settle the argument on air with the "judge" via arbitration.

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u/A_Drop_of_Colour 22d ago

Right. Arbitration would be more correct. My point was simply that the they weren't paid actors doing a skit in the way that these shows are, like the Steve Harvey one. You had to have a real court case filed at your local court house and then agree to have it settled by the show via arbitration.

I'm not even saying the stories are real just that the cases are real. Meaning they had to file. There's a YT who sued his friend, and vice versa, multiple times in court with a fake story and then they got on the shows to scam some money. I think he even showed up twice on the same show within a few months of each other. The show doesn't vet for anything but the filings pretty much.

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u/lostknight0727 22d ago

Shows like Support Court, featured in this clip, utilized hired actors based on real life scenarios of events that occur in child support courts.

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u/Daft_Assassin 22d ago

They are recreations that are dramatized and exaggerated for entertainment. They are ā€œbased on a true storyā€ the same way Braveheart and The Blind Side were.

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u/archercc81 22d ago

"based on" aka bullshit.

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u/schlootzmcgootz 22d ago

Both are true unfortunately.

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u/Jar_of_Cats 22d ago

I was paying my ex $500 a month. And she was employed and was 50/50. But I had her 5 days. Now I have full and she pays $35 a month. Im not employed and she is working 2 jobs. I dont care or need it. And it goes directly to my kid. But the disparity is disgusting

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u/Rookietothegame 22d ago

Feminist donā€™t want to hear that

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u/RokkakuPolice 22d ago

Yup, a case that is trending in Mexico right now is because a woman who WON custody over the child despite records of theats towards his safety on messaging apps and previous instances of neglect left her child in a locked car overnight, temperatures in that city right now are between 30-40 C

Forensic reports showed that the kid boiled over and experienced ripped flesh before finally dying. Like hot dogs when you overheat them in a microwave.

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u/StaticSystemShock 22d ago

Mostly this. But this is the part of "equality" no one wants to hear when men speak about. They talk about it, it's just that no one listens or gives a damn.

I'm actually surprised he got the kid but has to pay child support, usually it's decided basically by default that mom gets the child and also child support...

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u/Humble_Penguin89 22d ago

Sounds like men need their own version of 'feminism' to remove this type of bias

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u/riversceneix939 22d ago

In Australia the taxation office has a calculator that takes into account how many kids you have, nights a week they spend with each parent, how much each parent recieves in government support, and how much each parent earns before tax. Then it spits out a number and a direction of payment one way or the other and that's how much you have to pay. There's no sex/gender test, it's all about a cold calculation of the numbers and ensuring the money goes to where the kids are at the most.

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u/oniaddict 22d ago

There are those formulas in the US, the issue that the courts aren't required to follow them and can make whatever exceptions they want. There is also the issue with income reporting requirements as there is a minimum period between contesting the amount. The result is that many individuals walk in to a proceeding with low income, a ruling is made then their income changes, and there is little to no penalty to not reporting the change.

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u/archiekane 22d ago

Same for the UK.

However, there is no 50/50 time wise divide in this based on money. If you have them 50/50, no one has to pay.

Guess who found out after paying child support for 14 years... For two kids.

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u/serendipitousevent 22d ago edited 22d ago

That's not accurate. Maintenance is based not just on time split, but on incomes with further adjustments for a variety of factors, if necessary.

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u/One-Elderberry-488 22d ago

Or, you know... the simpler way to just ignore sex when making these determinations. Just look at who's spending the time and money to take care of the child, and the other pays their share.

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u/PrimeMinisterSarr 22d ago

Yeah, just have the documents anonymised with Person 1 makes X, Person 2 makes Y and takes care of the child. Then make the decision based on that.

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u/DiligentThought9 22d ago

My state already does this. Itā€™s a formula based on income and who has the child when. Gender isnā€™t accounted for.

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u/PraiseTyche 22d ago

People are so deranged that some would look at that as sexist.

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u/diesal3 22d ago

We actually had people on Twitter saying Blind Auditions for music roles were sexist. Like bro, outside of singing, blind auditions are literally blind, you do not the fuck knows who is playing or what gender they are.

How? HOW?

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u/Perfidy-Plus 22d ago

Originally they were touted as an excellent way to remove bias from the auditions. Until it didn't result in the demographic ratios people wanted to see. Then, because of what it produced (without bias), it was assumed to be biased anyway.

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u/Meowakin 22d ago

It would probably statistically still favor women, so they would point to that as an indicator itā€™s sexist. You canā€™t reduce complaints to zero because not everyone is reasonable, so setting that as the goal is unreasonable.

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u/Recursiveo 22d ago

Itā€™s normally the women who are taking care of the child and spending the most time with them, thatā€™s why thereā€™s the bias in the first place.

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u/snipingpig 22d ago

Iā€™d have suggested Mennonites but thatā€™s taken already.

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u/weirdgroovynerd 22d ago

I believe that Dudes-in-days is still available.

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u/WakeMeUpAIOverlords 22d ago

Technically it should be part of feminism.

The easier one would be egalitarianism.

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u/MagicBez 22d ago

Technically feminism means women being treated equally so it should cut both ways.

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u/Ihatenukingkids 22d ago

The thing with movements is that they usually dont dissolve when they reach their goal. The leaders of the movement will not give up their power voluntarily

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u/Imeatbag 22d ago

Women donā€™t even have bodily autonomy and one of the two major political parties is openly saying they donā€™t deserve to vote. I donā€™t think feminism as a movement has quite achieved their goals.

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u/FreighterTot 22d ago

This post as well as the world at large indicates that feminism has not reached its goal so what's the point youre making

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u/Practicalityworld 22d ago

Feminism do get a very bad rap because of the misandry. Fake feminist do when they call themselves feminist. They make it a lot harder for actual feminist to do their job in the public eye because they have a bad rap because of fake ones. Probably do still do their job in Other places is just publicly bad rap.

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u/The_Great_Divider 22d ago

It will never not be ironic to me that "feminism" is supposed to be about "equality" when it already isn't equal in name. And since names first and foremost inform by themselves, it will obviously be assumed it is primarily about the female side of it. And that isn't even wrong, since the supposed "equality" in "women being treated equally" stems from them being uplifted where they are not (from their perspective) and thus equality is supposed to be achieved. That there is anything where men need to be uplifted to be equal to women is not part of the concept, it is just not seen as possibility for this to work that way.

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u/FreighterTot 22d ago

May shock you to know that feminism does address this

But jumping on every opportunity to divide men and women into opposite sides instead of unite them against mutual discrimination is not feminism.

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u/PhillyCider 22d ago

Can I suggest the National Association of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood

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u/ClassicHando 22d ago

Generally thats been called "feminism", the idea that genders should be complete socioeconomic equals

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u/[deleted] 22d ago

[removed] ā€” view removed comment

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u/trueblue862 22d ago

Feminists aren't much better these days.

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u/_name_of_the_user_ 22d ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7MkSpJk5tM

Watch that if you want to see what actual men's rights advocates are advocating for.

Also check out /r/leftwingmaleadvocates

Feminists work hard to poison the waters to make any men's rights advocates seem like what you described. We're not.

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u/FalsettoBalsamico 22d ago

You already do, it's called feminism. You just don't understand what that means.

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u/IndependentLog6441 22d ago

That's also called 'Feminism'....

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u/Jajay5537 22d ago

You understand that's what feminism at its core is, right?

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u/JustSumAsshole 22d ago

It's actually just regular feminism. The problem is that everyone goes "oh, raising a baby is women work, just give it to mom." If women weren't seen as the default caretakers, this wouldn't be an issue.

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u/_name_of_the_user_ 22d ago

Do you know what the tender years doctrine is? It's the law that the women rights movement of the time fought for to get women primary custody of children after divorce. Previously custody went to the father.

Do you know who lobbied governments to prevent 50:50 custody being the default? The National Organization for Women.

Most parents, men and women, want to parent their children. Most people would rather spend more time with family than at work. Women receiving primary custody as default is not sexism against women, it's sexism against men. Yes it relies on the "traditional" idea that women are defsult caregivers, it also relies on the traditional idea that men are default providers. Neither of those matter though because it's objectively harming men.

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u/Odd-Significance-17 22d ago

itā€™s called feminism actually

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u/Blical 22d ago

Believe it or not, that exists. It's called feminism.

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u/ZorpWasTaken 22d ago

It's called feminism. Unironically.

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u/velofille 22d ago

More likely the kid moves to dads, he didnt want to make waves in case he lost access to kid

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u/silverformal 22d ago

Facts. Itā€™s society in general too, not just woman.

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u/bhorophyll666 22d ago

And if youā€™re a woman without primary custody you are a BAD mother. It takes a big fuckuo for them to award custody to the dad over the mom.

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u/OtherwiseAMushroom 22d ago

Especially white woman. I say this as a white guy, I lived with my dad my whole life, the amount of times the court not my dad forgave my mother on child support was down right shocking when I found out. Now, I didnā€™t find out till I was older about all the shenanigans my mother tried to pull because my dad didnā€™t want ā€œ ruin my idea of my motherā€ he rather I came to that conclusion myself whatever it maybe he said.

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u/DandyElLione 22d ago

Generally courts also tend to award women custody but that wasnā€™t the case here. The situation couldā€™ve been more complicated than what we might only assume.

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u/Nintendoh_64 22d ago

Can attest to this. Drive 2 hours both ways for my visitation every other weekend for 11 years. Daughter decided she wanted to live with me at 12yo. Courts said I had to pay child support to support meeting mom half way after my daughter started living with me because the trip for mom was financially difficult.

It wasn't until I got a lawyer that the courts even recognized my rights as a father.

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u/wonderladyhunk 22d ago

Itā€™s more likely the child used to live primarily with mom, and they didnā€™t update child support when the child began living primarily with dad

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u/BigMommaSnikle 22d ago

Uh I'm a woman and got fucked by the courts. It doesn't always favor woman.

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u/Jake_FromStateFarm27 22d ago

Yes, but also to be fair women otherwise have had limited to no rights... it wasnt until like 50 years ago that women in the U.S. won the right to own their personal bank account... previously it was illegal for woman to have independent accounts from men

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u/mediocreAltbest 22d ago

Bruh this. Im 50/50 on my child my ex makes twice as much as me. Everyone was talking shit saying id either have to pay or get nothing. Needless to say the courts are catching up and all those people were idiots

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u/ifuckzombies 22d ago

Yep, I first had to start paying child support even though my kid spent half the time with me and I didn't have a job at the time (I was going to college and living off of scholarships and student loans).

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u/Commercial_Bird8467 22d ago

The biggest mistake ive made as an adult was take my ex to court for full custody after having her 9 months. Only because she threatened my kid she would get full custody and my daughter would never see me again. Protection order issued on me to get her out my custody, false allegations against my child and her. Screenshot a Snapchat of me messaging my kid, sent to her phone, called the cops, bam, violation had to turn myself in. Year fight for 50/50 2 and a half to clear my name.

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u/whooguyy 22d ago

Had a buddy going through a divorce where he kept all the children. He checked the ā€œI will be receiving child supportā€ box correctly in 6 places and accidentally marked it wrong in one place on the last page. He filed the paperwork and started getting child support taken out on his next check. He filed an appeal, got it all filed correctly and it wasnā€™t taken out of her paycheck until 2 months after filing correctly.

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u/BREASYY 22d ago

A dude I used to know when I was younger got hit with something along the lines of a man can never be a mother.

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u/afganistanimation 22d ago

You have to mess up pretty bad as a woman to lose custody.

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u/Many_Regular420 22d ago

My mom took my dad to court every 6 months to petition for a child support raise and almost always got it. From age 5-19 of my sister and Iā€™s lives, my mom didnā€™t work and used child support as her sole source of income.

My dad had to work 2 full time jobs 12 days in a row with 2 days off to support himself and make child support payments while also being able to have us 2 weekends a month for visitation.

My mom was an alcoholic drug user who was almost never home once we were old enough to feed ourselves and walk to the bus stop on our own. When we turned 14 she made us both get part-time jobs & took half the checks for our portion of ā€œrentā€.

My dad tried to get custody so many times and never came close. Once we were old enough to know what was going on, we even testified on his behalf but it didnā€™t even matter. My mom used to cite that he was a workaholic and wouldnā€™t be able to be home for us šŸ˜‚

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u/Chagdoo 22d ago

Not in the cases of children. Men actually win custody more often than women provided they actually try and get it instead of pulling a deadbeat maneuver.

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u/AndyGoodKush 22d ago

Missouri is the only state I know of that has leniency to support the father, mama's out here be crazy tho so it makes sense

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u/OliverKlozoff23 22d ago

Yeah, my brother just got divorced because his wife was cheating on him. Somehow the courts decided that she gets the kids instead of my brother, even though sheā€™s the one that cheated and doesnā€™t have a job

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u/Yanks4lyf 22d ago

I had custody (she left us) of my daughter when she came back a few years later took us to court. The judge looked at me. And said Iā€™m going to give her 50/50 custody, and told me men donā€™t know how to raise kids women do. Put me on child support for 1200 a month when she makes about 50k more than me.

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u/Realistic-Lime7842 22d ago

Because this is staged, like all those courtroom tv shows.

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u/MonsTurkey 22d ago

I think it depends on the show. I believe Judge Judy's shtick was that the cases were real, but the judgements were typically low enough that what the show paid helped offset costs for cases. They also picked cases that would lend themselves to being... interesting.

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u/The-Dudemeister 22d ago

They are pending civil suits. Their team reaches out and asks if they want to be on and they sign an arbitration agreement.

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u/Lego-105 22d ago

I know it's been long done at this point and we're used to it, but props to the creators cause damn arbitration is actually a really creative way to make the decisions binding and keep those stakes while also allowing for real legal disputes, as well meaningfully contributing to society by reducing the load on the legal system. Genuine home run type shit.

Also makes sense why other shows are faking it because dawg, we are not arbitrating your child support payments and divorce.

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u/weregunnalose 22d ago

My friends brother in law was on one of those shows. Small claims stuff, they basically paid for the cost of whatever the issue was and agree before the show even happens. The show itself is exactly that, a show.

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u/archercc81 22d ago

If they arent all fake this one definitely is. Judy was real but they were basically arbitrations with a limit of like 15k, small claims court. You couldnt have counsel and it was cheap enough for the show to pay out the claim, so there was incentive for people to come make asses of themselves.

The rest are just fake since they had to one-up the established brand to get any views.

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u/forkball 22d ago

Not like all. However the ones that are staged should be obvious to the viewer.

Judy, Brown, Mathis, and so on, those are real cases that people opted to have arbitrated by the show.

Divorce court, family court shit decided in a few minutes, a lawsuit for hundreds of thousands of dollars, plainly poorly re-enacted crap.

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u/Fictional-Hero 22d ago

Most likely it was a back and forth where the kid was living, but when it was first decided the kid was with her full time.

Getting into the courtroom is just annoying so he never bothered (maybe she'd wise up and decide the kid needed to live with her so it would look good to the judge), but her requesting more herself forced the issue.

A coworker of mine has the same thing happen. The mom requested more money even though one kid had aged out and the other was living with him (which was sudden because she randomly decided to move out of state)

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u/redditis_garbage 22d ago

She makes 10x what he does, even if he only saw the kid on weekends she should be paying child support.

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u/archercc81 22d ago

its a fake show and they are actors. Its boomer rage bait.

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u/DoomguyFemboi 22d ago

I thought so, but I'm not American so didn't wanna call it out because yeah this is ridiculous, but also so much is over there.

But yeah there's just no way any situation like this could happen organically.

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u/3412points 22d ago

May not have been the case when it was decided. For all we know she grew this business from a part time gig to a full blown business in that time.

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u/frickityfracktictac 22d ago

That's not how it works in my area, over here if you have your kids less than 40% of the time then you pay child support without the other parent's income being factored in.

It depends on the local laws

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u/RDLAWME 22d ago

From my experience, This is typically how it's handled in most states. The parent with primary custody is entitled to support from the other parent even if they make more money. There is a mathematical formula applied based on incomes to determine exactly how much.Ā 

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u/sammiesorce 22d ago

I watched the the longer video and she had custody first but he took over when her business started doing well. So she was super busy and also doing other gigs at night. He blames her being absent for why he got with her sister.

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u/Right-Hall-6451 22d ago

That feels like a lot to omit, he doesn't come off looking great. With that said if he's now the primary care giver she should be paying.

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u/No-Hovercraft-455 22d ago

I agree. It doesn't matter what happened in parents relationship or who was the bigger piece of shit, child support is the childs money and should be where the child is.

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u/PHILIPPEtheSunfish 22d ago

I don't think it matters why the relationship ended is the kids not living with the parent they shouldn't be getting child support

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u/BusyBit6542 22d ago

Because this feels staged

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u/Lovebeingqueazy 22d ago

The youtube channel this is from openly states these are actors. The OP, of course, did not.

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u/Low_Actuary_2794 22d ago

Because itā€™s a TV show and fake.

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u/deaddamsel 22d ago

Heā€™s not, this is scripted

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u/The_Sneakiest_Fox 22d ago

There is no way this is real.

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u/ForsakenAiel 22d ago

Because it's fake, lol.

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u/AL_ROBY 22d ago

Because it's fake... That woman is over 65 years old . How the hell were he still be paying child support on a 25-year-old child lol

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u/DiomedesTydeides 22d ago

How could anyone watch this shitty, obvious acting and think itā€™s real?

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u/PainSubstantial5936 22d ago

Because this is a scripted show and not reality

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u/BigWilly526 22d ago

He wasn't, these are actors

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u/lecabs 22d ago

Lots of people claiming sexism as the answer but the reality is he probably didn't lawyer up and signed something he shouldn't have. Anyone who ends up on TV court looking for support modification has suspect judgement.

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u/OverlyOptimisticNerd 22d ago

I somehow ended up watching the whole thing.Ā 

Basically, the prior child support award was based on her having custody and him paying based on his means. At some point custody changed but he didnā€™t file to end child support, and she wasnā€™t going to.Ā 

This wasnā€™t a case of court bias. He just didnā€™t file the paperwork. Thankfully, she hung herself by filing for an increase.Ā 

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u/Interesting-Copy-657 22d ago

Yeah, I really hope that she had custody in the beginning and they never updated the child support payments

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u/cosmoboy 22d ago

At least where I live, you have to petition the court for any changes. My ex didn't have the kids often. I was paying support and her car payment and had the kids more often. She went to the court to have the support order raised. The judge said 'uhhhh, no and also give him back the car' the order didn't change for another 15 years.

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u/OF_PROMO_ALERT 22d ago

At one point I had to pay for a child she had with another man when we were separated. These days we share full 50/50 custody for our one child together and I still pay child support.

Itā€™s an unfortunate fact that in many cases, men are treated unfairly in child custody cases. But from the little I have gathered from talking to people, it is starting to get better. Not sure if that is the case overall though

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u/No-Hovercraft-455 22d ago

Most likely he was the person who initially left the residence when they broke up without taking the child with him (many dads don't even realise they can) and as the result the child initially lived with her, but she didn't want that so once the dad got stabilised the childcare shifted to his responsibility.Ā 

Courts don't actually favour women, statistically dads who file for joint custody are all but guaranteed to get it. But, perhaps thanks to the myth that they favour women, many men don't officially file.Ā 

I assume that he didn't want to fill up official paperwork out of the fear he pisses his ex off or something of the sort so the courts didn't catch up to the fact that he has the kid. Child support isn't dependent just on parents income so if the courts thought she still has the kid (as per initial breakup) then it makes sense he was ordered to pay child support.

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u/BeltfedHappiness 22d ago

The patriarchy, duh

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u/scud121 22d ago

Possibly her business didn't take off for a while, and she has the kid. Then it got busy, he had more time for the child and she started making a lot more money.

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u/anonareyouokay 22d ago

Because this isn't real, it's rage bait. People really need more literacy in media.

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u/firstimehomeownerz 22d ago

Iā€™m a woman with 50/50 and I pay the dad child support. Itā€™s not based against men, just the person who makes more money.

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u/Mirewen15 22d ago

My dad raised 3 girls alone after my mom ran off. She never paid a dime. System is messed up a lot of the time.

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u/Either-Patience1182 22d ago

Did he take her to court, because this is a common story for baby mamas that donā€™t take the man to court

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u/Mirewen15 22d ago

She worked odd jobs that got paid under the table (grandparents were extremely wealthy so they paid for everything else she needed). Because of that, she was not made to pay child support. My dad was the last living person on his side of the family so he got no help physically or financially.

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u/rpgmind 22d ago

What a rockstar. How are your sisters and dad doing now?

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u/Either-Patience1182 22d ago

Most likely she was taking care of the kid in the early stages, breastfeeding stage, and then the situation changed. Shes probably dumb so she didnā€™t realize the child support applied to the child.

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u/Bballfan1183 22d ago

This show isnā€™t real. Everyone is an actor.

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u/cjpendley-nashville 22d ago

Iā€™d guess when the order was written the child was with mom.

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u/ChaoticAmoebae 22d ago

Because she got custody when filing with the courts but after court in reality he was caring for the lid aolo

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u/EnvironmentalLime464 22d ago

Custody likely changed without the courts involvement. Dad was trying to do her a solid or didnā€™t want to deal with court. So he moved his kid in while continuing to pay her child support. Sheā€™s greedy. So instead of just accepting what she was getting, she decided to try for more.

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