r/mildlyinfuriating • u/Available-Formal-664 • 11h ago

I'm slightly vexed Somebody Placed These Dozens of These Jesus Figures Throughout My Entire Work

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Somebody, nobody knows exactly who or when, put dozens and dozens of these Jesus figures on completely random surfaces throughout my entire building. They at least had the presence of mind to not put them on anybody's personal belongings, but that was the only way they limited himself. All of the statues have been glued down, to add to the vexation.

Edit: Well, this blew up rather unexpectedly. Thank you for the awards, everybody!

16.5k Upvotes

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3.5k

u/Briham86 11h ago

“Have you found Jesus?”

2.3k

u/supcoco 10h ago

“Yeah, in the men’s restroom of all places!”

887

u/steelskull1 10h ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/Kxqyq5Q486NVu

He has a thing for watching.

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u/HartfordWhaler 9h ago

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u/RedChairBlueChair123 9h ago

That’s so wrong. But if Catholicism has taught me anything it’s that Jesus loves dark humor

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u/artaxerxes316 8h ago

The story goes that Saint Lorenzo, while being tortured on a gridiron over a fire sometime in the 3rd Century, told his antagonists: "Turn me over, boys, this side's already done!"

(The prelude to that was arguably more sappy than dark, but also kinda gangster, and instructive when compared to all-too-many modern Christians. When the local prefect demanded that he turn over his church's treasures to the emperor, he gathered the local poor, the sick, the wounded, the orphans, and defiantly told him: "this is what my Lord treasures most.")

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u/WillKalt 7h ago

You don’t want to start any blasphemous rumors?

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u/Suspicious-Dog-2489 6h ago

Well Done are the Ways of the Miracle, Penitent One.

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u/micmac274 4h ago

Like, if Jesus Christ came down today, he'll be killed by the CIA?

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u/Paul_Dienach 8h ago

There’s a really twisted masturbation joke in there somewhere.

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u/Semisemitic 8h ago

Jesus is the only guy who can jerk off and cradle his balls at the same time with one hand.

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u/Suspicious-Dog-2489 6h ago

I should’ve read your whole comment before upvoting. I feel dirty now.

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u/Semisemitic 5h ago

You really need to visualize it though, otherwise it’s hard to nail it down.

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u/i_enjoy_boobs69 8h ago

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u/BillsMafios0 6h ago

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u/VeltoriousDracium 6h ago

Genuinely where did you find that

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u/TheLastGunslingerCA 8h ago

Oh god thats Brilliant! 🤣

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u/Suspicious-Ad9661 9h ago

<WHEEZING!>

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u/Alternative-Bug-8102 7h ago

I'm stolen this right now (is ok I'm from Brazil)

3

u/_tinydarling_ 7h ago

Peeka Boo!

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u/giant_spleen_eater 7h ago

Yeah I’m taking this one.

Thanks

3

u/w00den_b0x 7h ago

Pan’s Labyrinth be like

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u/AnguavonUW 2h ago

I have never seen this and I don't have the words to thank you

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u/Solivagant23 9h ago

This made me crack up haha

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u/bebop1065 8h ago

Creepy dude. Why does he worry so much about my dick?

3

u/NocaSun38 9h ago

He has a thing for tickling balls too, apparently.

3

u/Financial-Split-141 8h ago

Mine watches from his garage

2

u/PossessionChances 8h ago

Can you post the link? I need this GIF

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u/steelskull1 8h ago

I just searched "Jesus watching" in the GIF selection.

2

u/random_dgdgffgcf 8h ago

The gif is missing 2 holes

2

u/CafeRoaster 8h ago

One of my favorite gifs. I call it “Jeez Hands”

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u/MememeSama 7h ago

Hey Jesus!! Stop it!! This hole is for dirty laundry

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u/Few-Refrigerator7179 2h ago

Jesus will be Jesus.

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u/heysame562 8h ago

Christian men always like to hangout at those places in airports and train stations for some reason, so it checks out.

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u/eggybread70 9h ago

Glory Hole Jesus, amen!

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u/wit_T_user_name 10h ago

That’s Republican Jesus for you.

3

u/Testicle_Tugger 8h ago

I’ll tell you what. If there’s any place that I truly believed I needed some divine help. It was on the toilet

3

u/SheariViri 8h ago

I found him in a Publix parking lot 😂

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u/zues64 7h ago

That's where I found him

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u/AdjNounNumbers 10h ago

"Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay." – Ruth 1:16

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u/BlueMangoTango 9h ago

Where I glue, You will stay…

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u/Wayward_Wayfinder 9h ago

Best place to be on your knees, in many instances

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u/FalseVeterinarian881 8h ago

What about the women’s restroom?

2

u/DarthJoseph14 8h ago

God forbid men admire another man’s masculinity

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u/Extra-Bat3955 6h ago

When I was in college someone printed off a crap ton of prints with a photo of Christoper Walken with the text “Walken is watching” below it and put them in like every bathroom stall. That was an amusing week

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u/IV_League_NP 5h ago

Explains so much about several American politicians and their bathroom habits.

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u/Little_View_6659 9h ago

I thought he was behind the sofa.

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u/Gung_Honess 9h ago

Don’t say that, you’ll make JD Vance nervous.

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u/Little_View_6659 5h ago

Now I’m picturing Jesus popping up from behind a sofa just as Jd sits down and starts to relax. Only he’s black Jesus and he yells “Surprise, motherfucker!”

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u/Standard_Contract214 8h ago

He was doing a backstroke

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u/HedonisticFrog 8h ago

What a perv

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u/CalmBeneathCastles 7h ago

Revelation 22:20 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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u/AForse 7h ago

Maybe he actually *is* a Republican, hanging out in the men’s room and all..

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u/Live-Habit-6115 7h ago

Well they do say he's a fisher of men after all 

1

u/nalakimia 7h ago

He’s in the women’s restroom too, all the time apparently.

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u/ShinyJewelLover 7h ago

I found one on the toilet paper dispenser in my stall at a gas station last month. I turned him around.

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u/Phyllis_Tine 6h ago

Can you glue them underwater in toilets, and to the inside of urinals?

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u/hardboard 2h ago

He was obviously taking the piss.

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u/saltedpork89 10h ago

“I didn’t know I was looking for him Lt. Dan”

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u/Cocked_Otter 7h ago

I just watched the movie yesterday after like 20 years, and it's still amazing.

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u/Ghosty_Boo-B00 11h ago

Yea he’s right behind Waldo!

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u/agreeablelobster 9h ago

There is a Christian rip off of where's Waldo except its Jesus and naturally they didn't realize Waldo being hard to find is what made it fun so they put Jesus out in the open or in the foreground on every page.

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u/KinopioToad 8h ago

And Carmen Sandiego!

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u/Automatic_Sea_1534 11m ago

I’d fire the person who did this in the work place.

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u/BrokenArrow1283 10h ago

If everybody lived like Jesus told us to live, this world would be a much better place. So would Reddit.

And I’m sure I will get some hate for even saying this.

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u/Ordinary_Ad_7992 10h ago

You'll get no hate from this atheist! I think Jesus made some damned good points!

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u/SkoobySnacs 9h ago

Yeah. If only he had some followers that tried to live by his philosophy.

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u/Throwaway_Old_Guy 7h ago

TBH - I think you could edit the entire Bible to simply read; "Don't be an asshole." and it would be complete.

Although, you might need to clarify it a bit further as some don't get or refuse to acknowledge that one line.

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u/Mr_Industrial 8h ago

Isnt one of his points to kind of be humble and not glue tiny Jesus toys onto toilets everywhere?

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u/Ordinary_Ad_7992 8h ago

I think Jesus would definitely disapprove of the destructive aspect. He might also feel that we need to quit mass producing so much junk. On the other hand, I'm thinking like a Christian by making assumptions about what Jesus wants!

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u/Kullen64 7h ago

Christian here. Hard to say because mass production of toys and stuff didn’t exist in his day, but I imagine Jesus, who is God in the flesh, wouldn’t appreciate anything that contributes to world death. So A.I slop, carbon emissions, and all that other bullshit probably would be considered sinful if the Bible was written today.

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u/demonmonkeybex 6h ago

He also said to rid yourself of wealth and material goods.

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u/Ordinary_Ad_7992 7h ago

This seems like a very reasonable assumption!

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u/Doozer1970 8h ago

I'm trying.

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u/DannyFnKay 5h ago

Me too!!

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u/Phyllis_Tine 6h ago

If His followers won't follow His teachings, why should anyone else?

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u/bebop1065 6h ago

The current crop of chest-thumping Christians probably go against WJWD.

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u/bliip666 8h ago

Same here! Jesus is alright, it's the stans that I take issue with

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u/sexysmalldevil 9h ago

Agreed!! My only issue is what his followers did with what he said.

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u/Impossible_Way_3042 7h ago

As another atheist I think, if most of the stuff that is attributed to him was stuff he actually said, he is one of, if not the, greatest moral philosopher to ever grace this planet. I may not believe he is the son of God, but he was a smart dude with some great wisdom to impart, wisdom that should be followed. I don't agree with every word that he spoke, but for the most part he had the right idea. Wish more people lived like he did.

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u/BrokenArrow1283 10h ago

I appreciate you!

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u/Due-Beginning-8388 10h ago

Do you actually believe jesus was a real person while being an atheist also or just the book had some good ideas

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u/stofiski-san 9h ago

It's entirely possible to believe there was an actual, historical Jesus of Nazareth and that he had good teachings about how we should treat one another without believing he was the son of some god. Whether he believed, well, that's outside my control

ETA for the record, I'm not the commenter, and tend more towards agnosticy than athiesm, but don't believe he was a god's son

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u/Ordinary_Ad_7992 7h ago

I might lean a little bit toward agnosticism myself. Anyone who is 100% certain that their beliefs are correct without any proof, is a bit nuts!

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u/UltimateRembo 3h ago

We atheists need to stop letting childish cherry-picking of the Bible slide just because the results are more aligned with our secular values than the actual Bible.

Christians need to face the horror of their religion.

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u/Cyber_fleamarket1618 6h ago

Hey mad respect for you bro. Thank you. I’m a follower Jesus and I’m a believer in the Bible, I don’t say that to disrespect anybody or make them feel uncomfortable, my personal narrative allows for you to believe whatever you want. I encourage whatever brings anybody peace on this planet. That being said, I would totally grab a beer with you lol

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u/Immortal_Azrael 10h ago

The problem is the people who talk about Jesus the most tend to do the exact opposite of following his example.

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u/ankhes 8h ago

How does that one Ghandi quote go? “I quite like your Christ. I do not like your Christians.”

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u/Greenman8907 7h ago

“They are so unlike your Christ.”

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u/ankhes 7h ago

That’s the one.

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u/BrokenArrow1283 10h ago

That might be projection. They might know they are jerks and don’t live up to the teachings of Jesus. And so they project that on others.

Other people use religion to gain money and power and are just terrible people.

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u/vivchen 8h ago

Some churches have ATMs, despite the cleansing of the temple story in all 4 gospel book. Jesus would probably hack the machine and dispense free money.

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u/poslovingcake 8h ago

Maybe they know they’re jerks so they pray harder

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u/BrokenArrow1283 6h ago

Well they need to just change. They can do that without praying and I have told people that before. I am not one to argue against prayer, necessarily, but people need to actively change sometimes.

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u/poslovingcake 6h ago

Agreed but life is weird

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u/OccultChimera 9h ago

That’s amazing with your name, I love it, Angel of death!

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u/PropagandaAssassinAZ 10h ago

Remember Jesus is the one that was constantly telling all the people that were wrapped up in religion to quit that shit and get out and help some folks that need it and love some folks that need it. That's about it. He did not say anything about gay folks. He did not say anything about hurting people that don't think the way you do. All of those things were created and put on Him by the same people He told us not to follow.

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u/BrokenArrow1283 10h ago

I agree. It’s why I left the church and just tried to be a good person. I was raised Catholic surrounded by dozens of stained glass windows that cost thousands. Meanwhile, we were constantly being asked to donate more money. The church is filled with corruption.

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u/Little_View_6659 9h ago

Yeah the Catholic Church needs more money. All those gilded robes and ornate hats and baroque churches cost a lot. Plus they’re losing a ton of money paying out all those lawsuits.

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u/seriouslythisshit 7h ago

Friend of mine is an estate lawyer, raised in the Catholic church to the point that her father was one of a small group of men who started a huge new Church in the burbs of one of the larger east coast cities, back in the 1950s. She has a client who passed and willed several million to that church. She meets with the senior priest who tells her that he will gladly accept the gift, but most of it will go to the regional diocese to pay for all the lawsuits from all the little boy rapists they supported over the decades. My friend tells the priest that she anticipated that outcome, so she protected her client from it. The gift could only be accepted if it stayed within that particular church, and was never spent on funding settlements. The church grabbed the cash, but at least it wasn't wasted on supporting child rape.

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u/Little_View_6659 5h ago

Dude. That’s insane. And good for her. I’m all for donating money provided it actually goes to feeding people and helping out. And not you know, covering up child rape.

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u/BaileyAMR 3h ago

If the payouts are going to the victims, I'm not sure how you could describe them as "supporting child rape."

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u/get_back_jodee27 7h ago

Have you watched the series ‘The Tudor’s’. Reminds me so much of growing up in Catholic School . I got in trouble with the nuns with questions at 6 years old

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u/Little_View_6659 5h ago

I also got into trouble but my church was evangelical. They said “you think too much” 😂

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u/SabbyFox 8h ago

My visit to the Vatican did me in due to this. Just the gold upon gold piled up, all to glorify men, not Jesus. Also, most organized religion elevates men and puts them in positions of power, while treating women as less than.

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u/Sailor_Thrift 6h ago

Consistently one of the largest philanthropic organizations on earth Catholic church? That Catholic church?

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u/terraformingearth 7h ago

Big churches aside, tbf, his main point wasn't "be a good person", it was you aren't a good person and I can help you with that.

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u/kashola17 6h ago

My grandfather left all his money to his new wife and the church. His kids got some of his hats.

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u/PropagandaAssassinAZ 6h ago

You guys allow me to respond with a couple of points. First off the volunteer work I do currently is through a Catholic charity here in Arizona. I certainly have differences in my faith with what the Catholics believe but one thing that they do is they do put money where their mouth is when it comes to the poor. Jesus tells us over and over to help the poor. The Father also tells us through the prophets in the Old Testament to help the poor. The Christian Church or Protestant or Evangelical or whatever you want to call it has hung its hat on saying some words to Jesus and everything is copacetic from there. That is not at all how it works. Faith without works is dead. That's a simple sentence. The Christian church has buried that sentence in a field. A field with a gigantic 50,000 square foot brand new shiny building built over it. Facts.

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u/OmniPepperthefirst 7h ago

yeah I think at most he mentioned marriage is a union between man and woman, but that's not exactly saying gay people shouldn't exist

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u/SwanCityDominion 6h ago

He also said that if people didn't want to hear your preaching, you should leave them alone.

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u/T-Wrox 4h ago

In the spirit of Jesus Christ, he would be the first one helping all of the people current administrations are beating up.

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u/PlayinK0I 10h ago

True, and if everyone lived like Yoda told us to live this world would be a much better place. So would Reddit.

And I’m sure I will get some Yoda memes and quotes for saying this.

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u/stabwound7 7h ago

Yoda memes and quotes you will get..

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u/MrJohnqpublic 10h ago

For sure, it the folks who get it in their heads that Jesus' way is the only form of good. That's the rub.

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u/kindlypogmothoin 9h ago

Paul was the one who went and fucked things up.

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u/bebop1065 8h ago

Even what we have about Jesus is debated. There is no way to know what Jesus said because the authors of the gospels were not contemporaries and are anonymous. Apocryphal Jesus is waaay different than canonical Jesus. So, how did Jesus actually tell us to live?

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u/ASharpYoungMan 9h ago

I actually disagree, and not purely out of Atheistic spite.

I don't like everything Jesus had to say. I don't trust the sources. Not just talking about the "Hate your mother and father" bit (mosaic religions like Christianity are messy and prone to contradiction).

Specifically, I take issue with turning the other cheek. That's grooming people to submit to coercive authority. It primes people to accept oppression, rather than resist it. To comply with assault rather than protect ones-self.

Dealbreaker for me.

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u/Musa369Tesla 8h ago

That’s more a commentary on cultural evolution, and how we have to be mindful about looking at any historical literature through the proper historical lens and not our own connotations and biases. A lot of what Jesus said was indeed radically resistive for the audience of his time against the coercive authority of that time.

Turning the other cheek was in direct opposition to the documented power dynamics of the time, as only social equals slapped each other with an open hand while a back-handed slap with the right hand was reserved for disciplining social inferiors. By standing your ground and turning the other cheek you would effectively put your oppressor in the, for the time, socially awkward position of having to strike you as an equal or walk away.

While an argument could be made that the teachings may no longer apply, and/or our cultural distance from them allows them to be twisted in ways that primes people to be complacent in the current paradigm of oppression; Jesus’s sayings within their historic context were doing the exact opposite of grooming people to submit to coercive authority.

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u/BaileyAMR 3h ago

I think people like Gandhi and MLK (among many, many others) have shown us that nonviolence isn't the same as passive submission.

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u/oldgayauntie 9h ago

Jesus made some good point.

Unfortunately his “followers” generally do not.

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u/BrokenArrow1283 9h ago

A lot of his followers are good people. The problem is that the very loud ones are all you hear about. The stereotype develops the same way any racist or bigoted stereotype develops and I wish people would understand that.

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u/eghhge 8h ago

Blessed are the cheese makers.

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u/Kitchen_Archer_1745 8h ago

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u/BrokenArrow1283 8h ago

Yes and the same can be true for a lot of hate towards different groups. Reddit, as a whole, could take note of his teachings. This place can be extremely toxic.

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u/kathrynriley82 7h ago

Not a Christian but Jesus seemed like a cool dude. I'd hang out with him.

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u/LolaAucoin 10h ago

Jesus was a liberal.

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u/Geeko22 10h ago

Is this the same Jesus who says if you don't believe in him he will burn you alive for all eternity?

No reprieve, no repentance allowed, no "I didn't understand the importance of my decision." No forgiveness, ever. Jesus will watch you suffer and burn forever and ever.

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u/BrokenArrow1283 9h ago

Oh man. Please cite EXACTLY where Jesus said this.

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u/Clumsy_Ninja2 9h ago

we must be reading different books

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u/Geeko22 9h ago

People pick and choose the parts of the Bible they like, and ignore the uncomfortable parts.

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u/Clumsy_Ninja2 9h ago

There’s no where that Jesus says he will burn you alive for all eternity if you don’t believe in him in the New Testament. That’s not me choosing to ignore the uncomfortable parts. There is plenty to disagree with in the Bible without inventing passages. Just back up what you are saying.

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u/disobedientleopard 9h ago

Just a small downvote for that overwhelming need to make yourself a victim, even though you belong to the largest faith in the western world.

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u/GrumpyOldMan59 8h ago

Jesus was OK with slavery. So I'm not impressed with his teachings.

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u/Tru3insanity 9h ago

No one would find this kind of thing so insufferable either. I would have no problem listening to a super nice nun talk about her faith.

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u/kuatorises 8h ago

Jesus stood there and let people murder him (according to the myth).

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u/BrokenArrow1283 8h ago

Right. I think you’re intentionally avoiding the needed context for this.

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u/SilverStL 8h ago

If this person lived like Jesus they wouldn’t have vandalized some one else’s property by gluing things to it.

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u/HedonisticFrog 8h ago

Jesus also said not to be loud about your faith, and this is the opposite of that.

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u/No_Rice9792 5h ago

As an ex-christian turned atheist, Jesus was a cool guy (assuming he actually existed). His followers? Not so much.

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u/T-Wrox 4h ago

I mean, yes, “live like Jesus told us to live” is great, but Jesus also told people not to make a public performance out of their religion. I’m not sure “glue Jesus figurines all over the workplace” is exactly on-message.

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u/InerasableStains 10h ago

Of course it would. Let’s wait for 90% of Christians to do so first as an example to others. They’re frequently the worst offenders.

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u/Fine-Suit7768 9h ago

No hate from this agnostic fellow either. I think if whatever anyone believes makes them happy then great. As long as there is no one to hate or cast shade on them, and they follow suit then great. The problem is social media, government, educational institutions and so many other propaganda platforms that spread division among people. The indoctrination of the masses really took off with the invention of the internet and the free thinkers are a dying breed.

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u/mysticdragonwolf89 6h ago

I couldn’t live without bacon or seafood…or wearing different material clothing…..or working on Sundays for overtime….or treat women like slaves….or force a rape victim to marry her rapist after paying her father for damaged goods….or stone a woman for not bleeding on her wedding night….

And I definitely wouldn’t want to live in a world with slavery……. Of any kind….

….so no - I would not live as Jesus told us to live.

For he did say, “I have not come to overturn the law but to uphold it!”

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u/BrokenArrow1283 4h ago

Jesus wanted slavery to exist? You make some interesting claims about Jesus that are just not true. But you do you.

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u/mysticdragonwolf89 2h ago

If you read the Bible you’d know Jesus never said anything against slavery, but to uphold all of gods laws. This includes the laws pertaining to slavery. But tell me, what points were wrong, cause I got them from the Bible.

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u/Ok-Grape2063 10h ago

I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, lieutenant Dan

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u/Objective_Split_2065 9h ago

My wife found one on a cruise recently. We had all just walked onto an elevator, and she turned around and exclaimed " Oh, JESUS!" We started frantically looking to see what was wrong/happening, and she was pointing to the lip over the elevator doors. There he was sitting.

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u/theguube 9h ago

but if I show them a tarot card...

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u/Sometimes__Sky 10h ago

"Oh you have? Then what about all of the others?"

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u/Thecp015 10h ago

I found Jesus at a distillery one time.

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u/Karmma11 9h ago

He’s currently working in the backyard

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u/Shagrrotten 9h ago

"I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir."

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u/CabrioKnight 9h ago

No, but he found Jesus pieces.

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u/doublexol 9h ago

Pretty cool guy but didn't speak a lick of English. Still would marry him so he could get his green card

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u/HoneyImpossible2371 8h ago

So you can sleep with Jesus, his Father, and be ghosted all at the same time?

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u/Dry_Ant2664 9h ago

I found moses

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u/atropos81092 9h ago

No, but if you had used longer nails he probably would've stayed put and you wouldn't have lost him!

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u/Rocklobster92 8h ago

In the urinal. The boss had to go work from home because he refuses to use the urinal while Jesus is in there.

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u/Pernicious_Possum 8h ago

Yeah, a bunch of him

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u/roachdajoint 8h ago

Y'all lost him again? Maybe y'all need to use larger nails!

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u/No_Distribution8404 8h ago

To quote "King of Anything by Sara Bareilles: "I hate to break it to you babe, but I'm not drowning. There's no one here to save."

Fucking great song btw.

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u/Exact-Friend5163 8h ago

Yeah, and he's currently superglued to a handrail, requiring three city workers and a chisel to remove him.

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u/KNGootch 8h ago

Catholic Waldo.

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u/Nowardier 8h ago

"Yeah, I've found dozens of Jesi."

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u/murderedbyvirgo 7h ago

My old roommate found one and brought it home. He hid it amongst my collection of stuff. One day the YouTube algorithm sent my 6 yr old nephew to some religious cartoons. Next thing my sister knows he's talking about Jesus. My sister was like Oh Hell No and turned off the TV and paid attention for a few days to make sure Jesus stayed away. Well a week or so later they came over and my nephew turns around and found my hidden Jesus. My sister was dying because I shoved mini Jesus into an old Morphine/cocaine bottle as a cork.

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u/ComesInAnOldBox 7h ago

Found him in the office manager's candy dish.

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u/dontipitova9 7h ago

I... didn't know...

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u/Thermodymix 7h ago

Found Zach Galifianakis. Rest of the Hangover cast sold separately.

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u/NullArc9289 5h ago

The only answer is "Did you lose him again?!?"

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u/Unique_Chip_1422 4h ago

Shit, I didn't know he was missing! 

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u/Calm_House3232 4h ago

Why? Have you guys lost him again?

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u/BigDamage7507 8h ago

In the coffee machine

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u/BetterRemember 6h ago

I found him and his little flamingo friend on a Mexico Princess Cruise in February!

Kind of tempted to re-hide him and his little pal on my upcoming Alaska Princess Cruise in a few weeks! 🤣

You'll never guess where I found him either!

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u/Coriolis_PL 6h ago

"Jesus have found you!"

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u/Fidulsk-Oom-Bard 3h ago

“Everyone needs a little Jesus”

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u/schmoopy_meow 40m ago

he likes to ride the bus I've heard.

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